Tally Jokes - 41 Hilarious Tally Jokes

Why can't you keep score in Afghanistan?

Because of the tally-ban

An admiral is touring a submarine

The Captain is with him, showing him the functions and rooms of the submarine. Near the end of the tour when they’re in the operations room, the admiral notices a monitor with “Up 0, Down 0” displayed on it. Perplexed, he asks the captain “What is this monitor’s function?”

“Oh, that’s the tal...

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Sex contest (mildly NSFW)

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englisman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.

"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can ...

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Australia is doing phenomenally on the Olympic medal tally considering our population

#1. USA: 318.9 million
#2. China: 1.357 billion
#3. Japan: 173.3 million
#4. Australia: 48 as of last census

What does an English pimp do, after having tea and crumpets?

Tally Hoes.

I used to keep a tally of how many times I would read about unrest in the Middle East...

But only stopped because of the Taliban.

A burly man walks into a tattoo parlor and asks for another tally mark tattoo

The tattoo artist, a bit worried, asks what all the growing number of tally marks is keeping a record of. The burly man gruffs:

"The number of tattoos I've gotten"

Tally-whacker

Bill Clinton after playing a round of golf with Supporters, notices
Donald trump standing in an adjacent urinal.

Suddenly Bill looks down and notices that Donald was quite well endowed.

"Damn, Donald," Bill said, "How did that thing ever get so big?"

"It's like this, Eve...

A man went to a tattooist and requested a tally mark on his back

Every couple of weeks, the same customer came in, always requesting the same tattoo: an additional tally mark on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks. One day, the tattooist decides to ask: "What are you counting?"

The man says: "The number of tattoos i've gotten"

In Afghanistan, they've made it illegal to count the votes cast in any election.

It's the Tally Ban.

I went to a costume party last night and a guy dressed as Robin Hood said to me "Tally-Ho!"

I looked around and said "Seven, but I think most are just costumes".

What does a pimp exclaim while counting his money?

Tally-hoes!

They can no longer count animals in Afghanistan

Because there is a tally-ban

Have you heard they’ve banned accounting in Afghanistan??

Apparently there’s a Tally Ban.

Why can't the Afghani girl tell everyone the amount of guys she's slept with?

Because there's a Tally ban keeping her from doing so.

What did the Afghans get when too many of them were counting?

The tally ban.

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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What's the traditional greeting among prostitute-accountants?

Tally ho!

I hear they’re having trouble keeping track of people in Afghanistan

Now that there’s a tally ban

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

They have had to cancel this years Census in Afghanistan

This is directly due to the tally-ban

Back in 1996, Afghanistan was very different.

You see, the only numerical system that Afghanistan used was the tally mark system. That meant that Afghans only counted things in tally marks. This was quite problematic because many people didn't know how to use tally marks correctly. Many mistakes were made and there was generally a lot of confus...

What do you call a girl who likes to count the number of guys she’s slept with?

Tally ho!

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One Marine (long)

Out in the middle of the Afghan desert, a whole camp of Taliban soldiers doing whatever Talibans do on their slow days.

Suddenly, the company commander hears this voice yell out "one Marine is better than one-hunert Talibans!". It seems to be coming from behind a rock formation off in the dis...

A guy visits a tattoo parlor

and asks for a tally mark.

He comes in every couple of weeks ans always asks for another tally until the tattoo artist asks him what's he counting.

"Oh nothing, just how many tattoos I've got."

Somethings afoot

My wife asked if she could count the digits on my feet..

Toe-tally , I replied

What did the English pimp say to his accountant hooker?

'TALLY, HO!'

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

You haven't lived until you develop a foot Fetish...

Its toe-tally life changing.

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I am always so nervous about posting on Reddit because I don’t want to rack-up bad karma. I just have to remind myself to use the KISS method before submitting the post.

Keep it simple stupid, most entries tally hundreds of downvotes but every forum on Reddit empowers sour users. Be mindful in that the individual, not group, trolls horribly. Every poster offers sincere titties.

There is a new terrorist religion that hates addition

The Tally Ban

It says "Employees Must Wash Hands" in the bathroom.

I must have stood in there for forty god damned minutes and nobody came in to wash my hands.

Why can't schools in Afghanistan teach kids to count by drawn lines?

Because of the tally ban

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Recently I've been counting the amount of times I've slept with Prostitutes.

Tally-Ho!

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I've been keeping a count of the prostitutes I've been sleeping with.

Tally ho!

Oldie but goodie.

My buddy and I were out hunting one afternoon. He decided he had to take a dump, so he dripped his pants and squatted down. while he was taking care of business a rattlesnake slithered up behind him and bit him on the head of his tally wacker.
He jumbed up with both hands wrapped around it and ...

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With age, you gain wisdom.

A young man shopping in a supermarket noticed a little old lady following him around.

If he stopped, she stopped. She even kept staring at him.

She finally overtook him at the check out and she turned to him and said, "I hope I haven't made you feel ill at ease. It's just that you look...

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This actually happened to me.

A few years ago I was working in a call center that promoted the use of "Pizzazz Greetings." Such examples ranged from "Thank you for calling XYZ! My name is Kandy with a K! What can I do to make your day as awesome as mine!?" To "Thank you for flying with XYZ, my name is Josh and I'll be your capt...

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The King of the Jungle [long] [nsfw]

The lion, the king of the jungle, once summoned all the animals to celebrate his new born child. Sure enough all the animals showed up and gazed with awe upon the famous lion's rock.

The lion roared fiercly and all animals awaited silently the big announcement of their king. After a brief mom...

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Tick Marks

The afternoon before the wedding, the groom Josh and his dad Dave are sharing a drink among the guests. Dave makes a bet with his son… …
…
“$500, even money, that I can shag your mother tonight more times than you fuck the brains out of your new filly,” dad says. …
…
It sounds like a sur...

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Captain Loony Doubloon

At the last port-of-call before a long voyage, lonely Captain Loony Doubloon decides it's time he needs another parrot. He heads to the port's birdkeep, and finds the perfect talkative parrot perched on its swing within. The keeper discloses, however, that the bird was born with no legs, among anoth...

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