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Best Jokes

My wife was upset that the dog was considered man's best friend. She maintains that a spouse should be considered my best friend.

So I locked them both in the trunk of my car and drove around for twenty minutes. Guess which one was happiest to see me when I let them out?

Best knock knock joke ever..

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and...

The best beginner pet is a Hamster.

They live for 5 days and don’t require any food or water.

What is the best name for an abortion clinic?

Don’t Kid Yourself.

Why do depressed people give the best head?

Because they don’t care about breathing anymore.

What’s the best Chuck Norris joke you’ve ever heard?

My personal favorite is: Chuck Norris was once bitten by a cobra snake. After 3 long days of suffering, the snake died

What’s the best thing about transphobia?

It finally got people interested in women’s sports.

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams, "You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month! Why the fuck did you bring him home? The husband replies "Because he is thinking of getting married...

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Her best feature.... NSFW

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

A dentist goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Bugatti Chiron

It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $1.5M. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there,...

What is the best “safe word”?

Meatloaf, because I would do anything for love, but I won’t do that.

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Justice is best served cold.

Because if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

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The World's Best Ethnic Joke.

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Turk, a German, an Indian, an American, an Argentinean, a Dane, am Australian, a Slovakian, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Moroccan, a Frenchman, a New Zealander, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Guatemalan, a Columbian, a Pakistani, a Malaysian, a Croatian, a Pole, a L...

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What's the best drug to have sex on?

Birth control

What is the best male contraceptive?

An empty wallet.

6:30 is the best time on a clock

Hands down.

Where's the best place to hide after committing murder?

Behind a badge.

Why is girlfriend one word but best friend is two words?

Because your best friend gives you space when you need it.

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Best pick up line to impress the ladies

“Damn, are you a car alarm? Because you’re really fucking loud and annoying”

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A man approaches his best friend's wife one day

when her husband is at the office. "Will you have sex with me?" he asks.


"No. My husband wouldn't approve."


"O.K. What if I give you $1000?"


"Well, for a $1000 I think I will. Come back tomorrow afternoon when my husband is at work."


So the man sh...

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NSFW. I walked in on my wife having sex with my best friend.

So I did what any husband would do.

Took a rolled up newspaper and smacked him on the nose saying, "Bad dog! Very Bad dog!"

Why are Ukrainian women the best women to date?

No matter how many times you come over, she keeps Putin out.

What is the best or funniest insult you have ever heard or said to someone?

A buddy told a horse-faced girl at the bar after she wouldn't stop trying to pick him up: "you look like you want to nuzzle a sugarcube out of my hand"

Zelensky is the best comedian

He turned the whole Russia into joke

The best part about being an abortionist..? [NSFW]

I haven't had to buy dog food in a long, long time.

I got my best friend a fridge for her birthday.

I can't wait to see her face light up when she opens it.

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"You fancy my best friend, don't you?" asked my wife.

"If given the choice..." I replied, "I'd rather have sex with you then her."

"You mean 'than'."

"No."

My ex-wife cheated on me with her deaf best friend!

Honestly, I should have seen the signs.

Here is the best one liner from the legend, Mitch Hedberg

“My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.”

My best friend passed away recently, and grieving before his grave I said,

"Bro, I really miss you. My wife has been pregnant for 8 months now. How about you reincarnate as my child?"

A month later, my wife gave birth to a big boy. As my child grew older each day, I realized he looks a lot like my best friend.

I'm really happy that my prayer worked.

I had the best Dad moment last night... *actual conversation with my 8 year old*

Son: Dad... how many kidneys do I have?

Me: Two. You have two, son.

Son: Nope... I have four. *point to belly* Two kidneys here... *points to legs* ...and two kid knees here!



The student has become the teacher.

The best part about being Russian, is getting to vote in American elections.

Which is nice, because we never get to vote in our own.

A guy catches his best friend smelling his sister's panties and gets really mad.

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

It made the rest of the funeral very awkward.

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What's the best time for sex?

8:54 because it's 6 to 9.

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Best Salesman Ever!

A young guy from North Dakota moves to Florida and goes to a big "everything under one roof" store looking for a job.

The Manager says, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The young guy says "Yeah. I was a vacuum salesman back in North Dakota."

Well, the boss was unsure, but he...

What's the best thing about fingering a gypsy on her period

You get your palm red for free

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

Why is Empire Strikes Back the best Star Wars movie?

It's a perfect 5/7.

My woman asked me “which one do you like best, my beautiful face or my gorgeous body?

To which I replied: “your self-confidence”

What's the best way to break up with your girlfriend?

On the front page of reddit.

A priest, a minister and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job.

So they each go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it. Later they get together. The priest begins:

“When I found the bear, I read to him from the Catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his First Communion.”

“I found a bear by the stream,” says the mi...

The best armor for sneaking is leather armor.

Because it's made of hide

What's the best joke on /r/jokes?

"Reposts will be removed at our discretion."

Why is Juneteenth (June 19th) the best day to have the Neighborhood BarBQ?

Because everyone is free that day!

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

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The best chicken joke ever!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is
smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.


The egg is frowning and looking a bit pissed off.


The egg mutters to no one in particular,
"Well, I guess we answered THAT question!"

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

My best friend got mad at me because he caught me sniffing his sister's panties

It didn't help that she was still wearing them.

Or that his whole family was there.

That made the rest of his sister's funeral kind of awkward.

And who thought you could make the funeral for such a small child more awkward than it already was..

Let’s hear your best lawyer joke. I’ll go first.

Why do lawyers wear neckties?

To hold the foreskin back.

Russian army was thought to be the second best army in the world...

... It turns out it's only the second best army in Ukraine.

My wife ran off with my best friend Mike yesterday

Friend asks “Since when has Mike been your best friend?”

“Since yesterday.”

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Delivering The Best Toast

A contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast.

Murphy won the contest for the best toast of the night, which was: "Here's to the best years o' me life, spent between the legs o' me wife."

When he got home, his wife asked him how the Toastmasters meeting went. "I won the co...

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Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.

Five surgeons are discussing who makes the best patients on the operating table.
The first surgeon says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."
The second responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything ins...

10 years ago today, I married my best friend

My wife’s still really angry about it but Dave and I were drunk and thought it was a great idea

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What are the 3 best things you can say during sex and a soccer match?

"Has to be the quickest finish ever."

"He pulled it out at the last moment! What a save!"

"I think the grass is a little bit too long."

I told a Saudi friend my best joke and he didn't get the reference.

It's like he's living under Iraq.

The best years of my life were spent in the arms of another man's wife

Thanks, Mom! Happy Mothers' Day!

The best part about being married is not having to worry whether or not about I’m getting laid tonight

I already know it’s not gonna happen!

The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals.

The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations ...

Why are 9/11 victims the best readers?

They can go through 94 stories in seconds!

Two old men had been best friends for years...

...and they both live to their early 90's, when one of them suddenly falls deathly ill. His friend comes to visit him on his deathbed, and they're reminiscing about their long friendship, when the dying man's friend asks, "Listen, when you die, do me a favor. I want to know if there's baseball in he...

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

What's the best way to get a perverts attention?

Put an nsfw tag on your post.

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Best Costume (nsfw)

A woman at a costume party sees a man wearing a glass jar over his pecker.

She asks him what he is dressed as.

He says, "a firefighter. Break the glass, pull the knob, and I'll come as fast as I can."

North Koreans believe they live in the best country in the world because they’re brainwashed by their government and the media.

But I know that can't possibly be true. Because every American knows that America is the best country in the world.

What's the best part about being 111 years old?

There's no peer pressure.

Communists make the best snipers

They're natural Marx men.

What’s the best job for someone with a humiliation kink?

Customer service.

What type of joke is the best joke?

A Communist joke, because everyone gets it.

I think think my best friend is having an affair with my wife.

He's been miserable lately.

I'm not sure churches are the best places for PokèStops...

a priest just asked me in and offered me a Slowpoke

What's the best part about summer in the U.S.?

3 months of no school shootings.

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff?

It's where the students have the most potential.

I told my brother, "My wife ran off yesterday with my best friend Joe."

My brother looked at me funny for a minute then said. "Since when is Joe your best friend?"

I looked back and replied "Since yesterday."

This is probably the best joke that I -a dad- have ever come up with

I bought my 19 year old daughter a new bed for when she goes off to university. She was undecided about whether she wanted to keep it.

I told her to sleep on it.

I asked the gym trainer what type of machine i should use to get the best looking women

He said the ATM outside

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

what is the best thing about dead baby jokes?

they never get old

The Best Son.

Three brothers are waiting for their mother at the airport. One says I'm the best son because I got her a new car! The second one says I'm the best son because I got her a new TV!. The third one says I'm the best son because she's lonely so I got her a parrot to talk to.

The mother gets off...

"The best way to a mans heart is through his stomach."

The surgeon was fired later that day.

Best son ever

5 year old son after reading a story of a king

Son : mom, I also want 3 wives, one will bathe , one will cook and one will sing

Mom : which one will put you to sleep?

Son: no mom, I will still sleep with you. Mom's eyes filled up with tears... God bless you son

Mom : who...

Whomever said laughter is the best medicine...

clearly hasn't tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

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So there's a farm. On this farm, there's a cow, a chicken, and a horse, and the three of them are best friends.

They do just about everything together. And one day, they're sitting at the window of the house, and the farmer's kid is watching MTV, and they're watching it, and they hear the music, and the horse says "you know what? I'm gonna learn how to do that."

So the horse calls up Guitar Center, and...

The Fremen just concluded a longterm study on the best ways to walk without rhythm.

The results were staggering!

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Everybody Knows Dave, The best joke on my cake day

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."
So Da...

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Jenny was not the best student in Sunday School.

Usually she slept through the class.

One day the teacher called on her while she was having a nap:

"Tell me, Jenny, who created the universe?"

She didn't stir, so Mike, a boy in the chair behind her, quickly took a pencil

and jabbed her in the rear.

"GOD ALMIGHTY!"...

My father always told me "If you are not the best, then you are piece of sh*t!"

I made up the first part of the phrase so it would not hurt me that much.

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I'm divorcing my wife. First it was the poolboy, then the mailman, her ex-boyfriend, and my best friend. It's pretty clear...

I just really love dick.

What do you call the best Runescape player in the world?

The 'Scape GOAT

La La Land wins Oscar in Best Picture

But Moonlight won the popular vote

Best Husband Ever!

The Perfect Husband:
Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: “Hello”

WOMAN: “Honey, it’s me. Are you at the club?”

...

My best friend is mad at me, because I sniffed on his sisters underwear..

Don't know if he is mad because she was still wearing it or because her parents were present.

Whatever, it was a strange funeral.

Americans are the best at solving Rubik’s Cube

They have a long history of sorting and separating colours

What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

What is your best Chuck Norris joke(I’ll start)

Chuck Norris doesn’t pay attention, attention pays Chuck Norris

What's the best dating service in India?

Connect the dots.

(I'll see my self out.)

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

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I recently fucked my best friend after my girlfriend dumped me.

I don’t know wtf I was doing fucking a guy but I obviously wasn’t thinking straight

And the award for best neckwear goes to...

huh, well would you look at that. It was a tie

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I buried my best porn in a time capsule.

For the generations to come.

Why do females make the best archaeologists?

Because they absolutely love digging up everything that has happened in the past.

When is the best time to commit suicide?

Ate a glock in the morning.

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My best friend called me and said "An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don't know what to do!"

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he's just a big fucking lyre.

Dogs are the best. I have a lab.

It's a meth lab. But I guard it with pit bulls.

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The best pickup line to get pussy.

Pspspspspspspspspsp

Why does Michael J. Fox make the best milkshakes?

Because he uses only the highest-quality ingredients.

Whats the best part about dating a homeless chick ?

U can drop her off anywhere

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One night a guy goes to get a room in a hotel. "Hello, I want a single room for the night please." "Fine, sir, here's one of our best rooms. Room 13," says the concierge and hands him the key

The guy goes upstairs, takes a shower and gets straight into bed. At about 2 0'clock in the morning, two gorgeous naked women come in and slide under the covers. When he realizes what is going on, he starts screwing both of them. He can't believe what's happening. Next morning, still surprised by la...

An American, a Frenchman, a Turk and a Scotsman are arguing about whose nation is the best

(sorry for bad English, it's not my native language)

The American says: We have our intelligence agencies, like CIA. They are the best in the world, and they know everything!

The Frenchman says: We have beautiful women. Despite being so attractive, they are not easy to be seduced.
<...

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My best Catholic joke (as told by my priest)

A town decided to form a clergy group to have Catholics, Jews, Protestants and Muslims gather to talk about various issues facing their places of worship. The Rabbi went first and said they were having a terrible issue with squirrels. He said they were hanging around outside of church and aggressive...

I think today is the best day this year.

I give it 10/10.

What's the best part about having a hooker die on you?

The second hour is free.

What do you call two guy best friends who love math?

Algebros

What's the best thing about corn?

It's the only food that if you really wanted to you could eat twice

A young boy at school notices his best friend has a new watch!

The boy asks his friend "How did you get a new watch? How did you get your parents to buy it for you"?

His friend says "what you need to do is sneak home at a time when you are not expected and catch your father in bed with the next door neighbour and when you do he will buy you what you want...

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The best engine in the world

The best engine in the world is the vagina, it takes any size piston, is self lubricating, starts with 1 finger, and every 4 weeks it does it's own oil change.

It's just a pity the management system is so fucking temperamental.

Cowboys are the best navigators.

Cowboys used to put a lantern on their saddles at night to find

the trail when they were far from home.


This was the start of "Saddle Light Navigation."

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The costume party (Sorry if this is a repost. Best joke I know.)

A man, lets call him jim, goes to his buddys costume party wearing nothing but a pair of pants.
Jim's friend walks over to him and says "hey, jim... uh what are you supposed to be?"
Jim smiles and says "well im a premature ejaculation."
His friend looks puzzled and asks "okay, well why a...

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What is the best way to piss off a Redditor?

[removed]

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Please tell me your best animal sound joke!

My kid loves animal sound jokes, whats the best you got?

His favourite is: What do cows do on Saturday night? They go to the mooooovies!

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The best salesman in the world

The boy went into the mall to get a job. He told the management that he was the world's best salesman. They gave him a job as a seller, but expected profits from day one.

On Saturday evening the manager came down and asked how many customers he had served today. The boy said he had helped one...

Whoever said 'laughter is the best medicine'...

...clearly never suffered from erectile dysfunction.

Which band is in the best shape?

The Proclaimers, because they walked 500 miles, than 500 more!

I tried to argue Skyrim was the best game

..but I was down voted to oblivion.

My best Cowboy Joke

A cowboy is hitching his horse in front of the saloon when a man storms out with a pistol. The cowboy walks into the bar, past a barfly with a half-empty drink, orders a beer and asks the barfly

“Who’s the guy who just stormed out looking for trouble?”

The barfly responds “Oh him? That...

It's best to whisper!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library.

He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied, in a loud voice, "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply e...

What are some of you best thanksgiving jokes?

What do sweet potatoes wear to bed?

Yammies!

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They say makeup sex is the best sex

But I can’t even get my dick in the mascara bottle

What’s the best name for a sheep?

Baaahby

Which country has the best dancers?

Poland.

did you know cyan is the best colour?

it's cyantifically proven.

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What's the best part about dating a black girl?

You don't have to meet her father.

I slept with my best mate's wife last night and now I feel terrible.

She must have given me a cold or something.

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Three guys are talking about the best bars ever.

First guys says, I know a bar where you order a drink and the next one's free.
Second guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and next two are free.
Third guy says, I know a bar where you order a drink and they take you out back and fuck your brains out. One guy asks, Where is this ba...

Did I mention my recliner is my best friend?

We go way back.

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I don't understand why dogs are called "Man's best friend."

Even my worst enemy wouldn't take a shit in my yard while staring me in the eye.

Dad jokes are the best

Wife: I have to tell you something. I'm pregnant.

Husband: Hi Pregnant, I'm Dad

Wife: No you're not.

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I was walking into Best Buy...

When I saw a dwarf walking out carrying a flat screen TV. I asked him, "Are you going to be able to carry that TV by yourself?" He screams back, " Fuck you! It's an iPad!"

Did you guys know that the Soviet Union made the best bread in history?

People would wait days in line for a single piece!

These two guys had just gotten divorces and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again.

They got up there and went into a trader’s store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year."
The trader got the gear together and on top of each one’s supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.
The guys said "What’s that board for?"
The tr...

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