A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

What is it called when you need to get a hold of someone's private messages for incriminating evidence?

Carpe DM

Did you hear that Judas turned state’s evidence against the lord?

He had to go into the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

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My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being good in bed.

After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

What do you call love without evidence?

Stalking

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

why is DNA evidence not permissible in Alabama court?

because its all the same anyway

You’d think the Catholic Church would be more supportive of condom use...

Less DNA evidence.

Did you here about the anti-vaxer with legit scientific evidence?

Yeah, me neither

Raymond starts work at a zoo.

His first job is to clean out a tank of rare fish. However Raymond slips on a wet patch, smashes the fish tank and watches in horror as the fish flip-flop around on the floor. There are no other tanks nearby, so Raymond flings the dying fish into the lion enclosure, where a hungry lion soon snaps th...

A Canadian cop is watching the bar after last call (Long)

Recently, during a routine patrol, an RCMP patrolman parked down the street, outside a Legion Hall just off the main Street at Dauphin, Manitoba.

After last call, the officer observed a man leaving the Legion Hall. The gentleman was so intoxicated that he could barely walk. He then stumbled a...

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My dad was driving a tourist bus filled with Japanese tourists in the 1990s.

A robber came in and stole my dads cash register at one stop. Luckily the police got 500+ photos of the robber as an evidence.

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

A particularly open-minded flat-earther started out on a journey, and decided he wouldn't stop traveling until he found evidence to convince him to change his worldview.

And eventually he came around.

No evidence is good enough for a Creationist...

But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence

Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

A man is in peril, he’s just robbed a cheese shop...

And the police are closing in. From his pockets, he dumps all the Gruyere, all of the Cotswald, all of the Petit Basque. As he flees, chunks of Manchego and Ossau Iraty fly from his pockets... he flings the Roquefort, but it breaks up in his pocket and is sticky... he can’t get it out. He is stuck, ...

There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

At a border checkpoint...

A man gets to a border checkpoint, and is stopped. The officer asks him some standard questions, looks at his ID, and then requests to take a quick look in his car.

The officer is extremely confused when he finds sawdust in the trunk, and thinks he must be hiding something in the sawdust. He...

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

One day, a man stole a copy of the Bible.

The rightful owner filed a police report, but there was no evidence left behind nor any leads on who might've stolen it, so the case fell to the wayside. As there was nothing particularly special about this Bible compared to other copies, the rightful owner bought a new copy and forgot about the ord...

How do you drive President Trump crazy?

Tell him you placed evidence of voter fraud in the corner of his office.

A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

When a flat-earther finds conclusive evidence against their beliefs...

...it’s important for them to know that it’s not the end of the world.

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

I've just uncovered damning evidence that Hillary Clinton knew about the 30,000 emails she deleted as well as what really happened in Benghazi

I'm sharing it because the American people deserve to know the tr

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

Five gangsters walk past a local diner

The owner runs out the door and up to them saying, "Excuse me, I've got a problem and you're the only ones who can solve it!"

The gangsters look at each other confused and ask, "What, why us man?"

"I'll explain later, just come with me!" The owner replies. The curious gangsters follow ...

The beaver says "I didn't build that, Your Honor."

The judge points at the picture of the pile of logs in the river and says "we have damming evidence against you"

I'll see myself out

Missed my Cake Day but here's a terrible joke (I think) I came up with.

The whole world was in shock last year when Will Smith was found dead. The police suspected foul play but closed the case due to lack of DNA evidence. We're hearing now though that the investigation is being reopened due to the discovery of fresh prints.








I'm sorry...

My grandad predicted that the Titanic would sink

He went to great pains to try and alert everyone. Sadly no one would listen. He told people in authority, middle-management and even the every-day punters who bought tickets. He was silenced from every corner in spite of all the evidence he put forward. Eventually he was forcibly removed from the ci...

What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?

Probable Cosby.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

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I have this theory about my sex life lately

Actually, it’s more of a hypothesis since I have no physical evidence to suggest it even exists.

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

Did you hear that Rand McNally is trying to increase product sales by hiding evidence of a flat Earth?

Yes. It’s a global conspiracy.

I have evidence that the mods on r/jokes are censoring posts they dont like! More info in post!

[removed]

Why did Rudy Giuliani fart at the hearing

Since he didn't have clear evidence for fraudulence, he decided to provide a clear evidence of flatulence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

Did you hear the one about the whistle-blower for the Church of Scientology?

###

Nobody did. He was swiftly killed and any evidence surrounding his existence was erased from history and censored from the internet.

Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer

...her autopsy results revealed.

Someone threw part of a brick through my front window. The police couldn’t do anything though

They said there wasn’t enough concrete evidence

The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

I hate these double standards

if you burn a body at a crematorium you’re "doing a good job" if you do it at home you’re “destroying evidence”

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An Italian man is looking wistfully out at his fields...

It's spring, and for decades and decades now, he's always planted tomatoes, a tradition he brought over all the way from the old country to his adopted home in the US.

Unfortunately, he's getting old, and the work of turning the soil over to prepare for planting the tomatoes is beyond his bod...

What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence?

Fresh prints.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

The CIA found evidence that Osama Bin Laden had downloaded a lot of videos about how to crochet

Turns out he was trying to replace all those lost afghans

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A comprehensive observation about common religions and religious practices.

Jainism: You must not disturb shit

Bhuddism: You must become one with the shit.

Taoism: Shit happens

Shintoism: Our ancestors thought of this shit.

Hinduism: Eating meat makes you a shit person.

Paganism: Here's some shit that represents other shit.

Reform J...

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

A man committed a murder, and he made the mistake of dragging the body across a freshly-paved sidewalk.

He was easily convicted. There was concrete evidence

I saw the clearest evidence in not supporting trump in the paper today

He eats his steak well done. With ketchup.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

Always plead idiocy, if you can provide evidence.

It's foolproof!

The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."

Turned out to be a red herring.

A judge was trying a man on the charge of shoplifting shirts and pants by wearing them out of the store.

The judge saw the evidence and declared, "Guilty! Case Clothed!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An electrical engineer is wrongly accused of a crime.

His name is Myto and he swears he did not kill anybody. However, all the evidence points to him. Of course, he gets 25 years in prison.

When he gets to prison, he meets his bunkmate, Big Joel. Now, contrary to what you may think, Big Joel was not a rapist. In fact, he was the nicest man Myto...

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder.

Prior to his incarceration, he worked on a farm helping his father dig and prepare the land for plants.

His father wrote to him:” Oh, how I miss when you were here to help me prepare the fields. Now I must do everything alone.”
...

Whats the evidence that Gaston is the best guy ever?

He won the no Belle prize

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

A man is on trial for murdering his wife, although a body has not been found. [long]

His lawyer says there is not enough evidence. "The ex-wife is not even dead, I am going to prove it to you, she is going to walk through the door in about one minute."

All eyes are focused on the door. A minute passes. Another minute passes. And another.

The prosecution says: "she didn...

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