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Evidence Jokes

Where did Frodo find evidence that the elves were Scientologists?

In Elrond’s Cupboard

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

Scientists have just discovered evidence of cavemen using frogs as condoms

Ribbit for her pleasure

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Little Johnny and his Ranch

Little Johnny was a rancher. He owned cattle, horses, and things all of the sort. One day, a black SUV had pulled up. An FBI agent got out of the car.

"Are you little Johnny?"

"Yessir."

"I'm here to investigate a murder. Someone was killed down the road, you mind if I take a pee...

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Not mine but worth it

My wife put on a sexy cop outfit and arrested me on suspicion of being good in bed.

After a quick trial I was released due to lack of evidence.

No evidence...

Last night my girlfriend dressed up as a police women and said I was under arrest on suspicion of being great in bed...

Two minutes later she told me all the charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

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Faith in humanity

After shopping for most of the day, a couple returns to find their car has been stolen. They go to the police station to make a full report. Then, a detective drives them back to the parking lot to see if any evidence can be found at the scene of the crime. To their amazement, the car has been retur...

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A fierce jungle tribe always built their houses in the trees

The wood made the floors and the supports, but the houses themselves were made out of thatched grass. The tribe honored those who built the best grass houses.

One day the tribe went to war with a nearby tribe. The warriors fought well and they sacked the tribe's village, taking the rival tr...

Police patrol in the Outback

Recently a routine police patrol was parked outside a bar in the Outback.

After last call, the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so apparently intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.
...

No evidence is good enough for a Creationist...

But no evidence is good enough for a Creationist.

A trial for murder is being held and all the evidences indicate that the defendant is guilty But the body has never been found

Just before the sentence is concluded his astute lawyer stands up and says: "ladies and gentlement, the deceased will enter the room in a few minutes".

There is a sudden commotion after these things were said. A few minutes pass then some more and no one has entered the room.

After a...

When one illusionist accuses another one of stealing one of his tricks...

It's up to the accuser to provide evidence before the magician's counsil that he came up with the illusion first.
It's called the burden of poof.

Police arrested a bank robber

To conceal evidence of his crime, the robber had swallowed over ten thousand dollars in unmarked bills.

Doctors are monitoring him closely but right now no change is expected.

Definition of Verified

1. To demonstrate the truth or accuracy of, as by the presentation of evidence: experiments that verified the hypothesis. See Synonyms at confirm.
2. Law
1. To attest to the truth of (something) formally or under oath.
2. To make a for
3. Twitter
1. Their $8 charge was succe...

An attorney asks an engineer to gather some evidence at a newly laid construction site.

He examines everything he can - looking for any evidence in the steel beams, the pipes, the equipment around, even the rebar where the foundation will be set in hopes to find anything to use in the case.

With his findings in hand, he returns to the attorney’s office. “Well, I’ve got some good...

The Irish Smuggler

There was a man who would cycle across the border between Northern Ireland and the Republic of Ireland every single day without fail carrying nothing but the clothes on his back.
The border guards stopped him every day, patted him down, searched his bike, deep thorough searches and never found ...

I hate double standards. Burn a body at a crematorium, you're "being a respectful friend."

Do it at home and you're "destroying evidence."

Someone fell into wet cement

Currently there is no concrete evidence of who fell

I've always suspected my wife was cheating. Yesterday I found the evidence I was looking for...

She kept the monopoly money hidden in the cushion of the couch.

Will Smith tied to recent murders to stand trial after damning evidence.

He left fresh prints everywhere

What is it called when you need to get a hold of someone's private messages for incriminating evidence?

Carpe DM

Cars are getting very expensive now a days. I was finally able to afford to buy the new Kia that I always wanted.

Brought it home last night and parked it out front. It looked so nice and beautiful. Woke up this morning and the car is gone. Sadly, It was stolen at some point last night, but the suspect dropped a phone as an evidence. It was a very old looking phone that I had never seen before.

I did a ...

New evidence has been found outside the Pistorius home that completely acquits him of his girlfriend's murder.

Footprints

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

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NASA found evidence of a parallel universe where time runs backwards.

But we already knew about West Virginia.

What do you call a family member who doesn't support their arguments with evidence?

Just cuz.

(I came up with this just now and I'm so proud of it and I haven't slept in 3 days)

Did you here about the anti-vaxer with legit scientific evidence?

Yeah, me neither

What do you call love without evidence?

Stalking

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Sherlock Holmes is looking for evidence at a crime scene with another officer.

Sherlock: I heard the suspect fed the victim an excessive amount of laxatives. Tell me if you find any feces in the area.

*30 minutes later, the office comes back empty handed *

Sherlock: So you didn’t find any?

Officer: No shit, Sherlock.

When the police caution you that whatever you say can be taken in as evidence

Your next words must be: please don’t hit me again officer

A particularly open-minded flat-earther started out on a journey, and decided he wouldn't stop traveling until he found evidence to convince him to change his worldview.

And eventually he came around.

Apparently they found evidence of life on Venus

It's all the girls that went their because they're a genius

My wife sued for divorce because she said I couldn't get an erection.

I had hard evidence to the contrary, but it wouldn't stand up in court.

A large corporation hires a Tribe of cannibals...

And they tell them: "You have full rights as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody."

Things go well for several weeks and then the CEO calls the Tribe into his office. The CEO says:

"Somebody has been reported missing. Did you eat them?"

The chief of the Tribe checks ...

A normie and an anime watcher were having a debate if humans have souls.

Normie: People don't have souls.

Anime watcher: No they do.

Normie: Oh really? Then let's make a bet. We research whether or not people have souls and come back in a year to show our evidence.

Anime watcher: ok.

Normie: I bet $10,000, how about you?

Anime watcher: ...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

There is more evidence of my existence than of any of the gods.

Yet nobody believes in me.

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A married couple are arguing

After many hours of talking, shouting, pulling evidence and each trying to convince the other why they're right. The wife starts to realise she's losing so she says "If you don't admit I'm right, no sex for you tonight". He replies "Honey, no need to punish yourself twice today".

What happened to the Herb Farmer when evidence was found that he'd been stealing from his company?

He was convicted on counts of Embasilment.

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Sherlock Holmes is searching for a criminal.

The criminal assaulted several people, then spent the night at a hotel. He and Watson spent several hours searching the room top and bottom for DNA evidence left behind by the staff. Then, Watson had an idea.
The idea was to look in the room’s sewage, for urine, waste, and dead skin cells. They a...

A murderer wants to get rid of the evidence

by throwing it into the local sea. However, there's a catch - the town's richest man owns a lot of property, including the sea and all its beaches. The rich man is somewhat paranoid of people trespassing on his property, so he has a private police force. The police are split into 4 teams, named Poli...

I have evidence that the mods on r/jokes are censoring posts they dont like! More info in post!

[removed]

The state of public toilets is scientific evidence that doing something 10 000 times doesn't make you good at it.

It's even peer reviewed.

There was once a forest man named Imm...

Imm always wanted to have a child and would always talk about it to his best friend Epp. One day when they were in their early twenties, Epp met a girl and quickly fell in love. Not long after, Epp and his girlfriend got married and had a baby girl they named Goo. Imm was happy for Epp at first, but...

I've just uncovered damning evidence that Hillary Clinton knew about the 30,000 emails she deleted as well as what really happened in Benghazi

I'm sharing it because the American people deserve to know the tr

The Trump Travel ban was refused due to lack of evidence..

Apparently "I know it, you know it, everybody knows it" wasn't enough

What is Will Smith's favorite type of forensic evidence?

Fresh prints.

What do you call a preponderance of evidence that your drink has been laced?

Probable Cosby.

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Yes, empirical evidence is the foundation of science. Yes, blind faith is the death of reason.

No, this does not mean that I am obligated to show you my breasts to prove their existence

A cannibal is on trial, and with insurmountable evidence against him he stands and delivers his final argument.

Your honour, I’m not a cannibal, I’m a humanitarian!

When a flat-earther finds conclusive evidence against their beliefs...

...it’s important for them to know that it’s not the end of the world.

Follow the rules

A large corporation with expansive grounds interviewed a tribe of reformed cannibals for the outdoor maintenance positions. During the interview process, they were told, "You'll receive full benefits as employees, but you're not allowed to eat anybody, which would result in immediate dismissal and c...

The CIA found evidence that Osama Bin Laden had downloaded a lot of videos about how to crochet

Turns out he was trying to replace all those lost afghans

I saw the clearest evidence in not supporting trump in the paper today

He eats his steak well done. With ketchup.

Good news; Ruth Bader Ginsburg shows no evidence of cancer

...her autopsy results revealed.

Somebody once argued to me "that which is asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence."

I replied "no it can't."

The detective said, "Something's fishy about this evidence..."

Turned out to be a red herring.

A teenage boy had just passed his driving test ...

... and asked his father as to when they could discuss his use of the car.

His father said he'd make a deal with his son, "You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little and get your hair cut. Then we'll talk about the car" The boy thought about that for a moment,...

Always plead idiocy, if you can provide evidence.

It's foolproof!

A scientist recently said that the “perfect earthquake” was going to strike the West Coast soon.

The evidence to support his claim was shaky at best.

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A man looking to find evidence of ghosts holds a seminar......

First thing he asks the group "Has anyone ever seen a ghost" a few people raise their hands, excited about the results he continues.... "Has anyone ever touched a ghost?" a couple people raise their hands. Now he's really excited so he goes for it....."Has anyone ever had sex with a ghost?" 1 East I...

Whats the evidence that Gaston is the best guy ever?

He won the no Belle prize

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Comedian Jeff Dunham has been accused of sexual assault

After allegations from his coworkers saying that he's been fisting them for decades.

Just look up his Youtube channel if you want to see evidence of this abuse. Millions have just sat by and watched while these poor souls suffered through tremendous pain right in-front of them.

I got arrested for indecent exposure.

They let me off with a lack of evidence.

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Mickey Mouse and Minnie go to see a marriage guidance counsellor.

He talks to them both briefly and then starts one to one sessions. He talks to Minnie first in private. He comes out and approaches Mickey and says "I cannot see any evidence of your wifes insanity" to which Mickey replies "I didn't say she was insane, I said she was fucking Goofy"

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Bill Cosby found guilty for all sexual assault charges due to irrefutable evidence.

The proof was in his pudding.

There is no solid evidence of global warming...

...it all melted.

A very attractive young woman takes a vacation to Scotland

While she is there, she sees a local in traditional Scottish attire. She walks up to him as says "excuse me, I don't want to be rude, but there is something I have always wondered: is it true that Scotsmen don't wear anything beneath their kilts?"

"Well, lassie" says the Scotsman "why don't y...

What does Dr. Oz do when you throw scientific evidence at his head?

Ducks like a quack.

A white baby was born in a black tribe from the jungle

The news travelled fast around the tribe and soon after, the confusion led to anger. Upon his return from the jungle, the white British zoologist who was living with the tribe for the past 3 years, was quickly apprehended and brought to the tribe's chief to be urgently judged.

At first, the t...

Cigar

A young lawyer was defending a wealthy businessman in a complicated lawsuit. Unfortunately, the evidence was against his client, and he feared the worst. So the lawyer asked the senior partner of the law firm if it would be appropriate to send the judge a box of Havana cigars.
The partner was ho...

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What do you get when you cross the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon with the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I don't know man, but lately I just keep seeing the signs and evidence everywhere I turn. *I'm fucking brilliant.*

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