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Book Jokes

I went to the bookstore and asked the employee, “Do you have any books written by Shakespeare?”

He said, “Of course. Which one?”

I said, “William.”

I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

I was forced to read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

I hated it at first, but now I love it.

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I asked the person at the bookstore if they have that new book for men who have a very small penis. She said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I said, "Yeah, that's the one."

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A list of books I've read this year

● Taming Wild Cats by Claude Face.


● Making Weatherproof Clothes by Ranier Day.


● All Aboard! by Abel Seamann.


● One Hundred Metres to the Bus Stop, by Willy Makit, illustrated by Betty Wont.


● The Greatest Detective Stories Ever Told by Watts E. Dunn.
...

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I took my girlfriend to the library to show her that my penis was in the Guinness Book of Records.

But the librarian told me to take it out!

What do u call a book club that has been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?"

"Is it a pdf file?"



"Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"

A man walks into a library and asks where he can find books on paranoia.

The librarian whispers, "They're right behind you!"

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Guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide.

She responds "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

"A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrödinger's cat."

"The librarian says, 'It rings a bell but I'm not sure if it's here or not!'"

I ordered a book online called "How to Scam an Idiot."

It's been 4 months and I still haven't received it.

I found a book at the bookstore which said "How to solve 50% of your problems"

So I bought 2

Concerned that his son was spending too much time on video games, a dad told him, “When Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace.”

“Oh yeah?” the son retorts. “Well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was President of the United States.”

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If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

Police were called in to investigate a dead librarian found crushed under a ton of books

Despite initial suspicion of foul play, the officers analyzed the poor construction of the room and determined that the librarian had only his shelf to blame.

Book Title: Fifty Yard Dash to the Outhouse

Written by: Wilie Makeit

Illustrated by: Betty Wont

Other books in the series:

Yellow River by I.P. Freely

Rusty Bedsprings by I.P. Nightly

I've memorized every number in the phone book

I just don't know who they belong to.

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

It’s a step by step guide.

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had too many problems.

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I'm so tired of all these "historically" based movies and books that change the characters' skin color to pander to the masses

Like, what's up with this Jesus being white bullshit.

Why do the algebra books always ask you to "solve for X"?

I wish they'd just teach the X to move on and solve it's own problems.

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I accidentally sent my nudes to everyone in my address book

It was so embarrassing and it cost me a fortune in stamps!

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
...

I was reading a book about an immortal dog.

It was impossible to put down.

Did you hear about the book/movie about two terminally ill teenaged Indian classical musicians?

It's called 'The Fault In Our Sitars'.


(Came up with this a few months ago. You read it here first.)

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

The Russian government renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called *Special Military Operation and Peace*

A book fell on my head today

I only have my shelf to blame

Why did the book join the police?

He wanted to go undercover

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

After years I finally finished my book on herbology!

It was about thyme!

I finally managed to finish one of Stephen Hawkings’ books yesterday.

It was about Time.

Did you hear about the writer who wrote too many books?

They got author-itis.

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

Why was the Geology book Thick.

Because it was sedimentary.

Someone stole my book bag today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

I recently read a book on 'Stockholm Syndrome'

I hated it as first, but by the end, I really loved it

Bought the book: Tiger Woods best 18 holes.

I was incredibly disappointed when I found out it was about golf.

The dyslexic book club is reading Nietzsche.

They just got to the part where the dog dies.

A Book Series Never Written…

“The Assignment Chronicles”

* Book 1 written by Ken U. Duitt

* Book 2 written by Noah Kent

* Book 3 written by Nora Cannai

* Book 4 written by May Neether

* Book 5 written by Al Trayet

* Book 6 written by Cole Laktiv-Raleif

I finally got around to reading Stephen Hawkins’s last book.

It was about time.

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't buy it.

I'm reading a horror book in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can just feel it.

A dirty book

is rarely dusty.

Why did the surfer bring a book to the beach?

He wanted to catch up on his current reading.

In George Orwell's book 1984, why were e-girls outlawed?

Because it was a thotcrime.

A young woman was pulled over for speeding.

An Oregon state trooper walked over to her car window while flipping open his ticket book.

The young woman said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers Ball."

He replied, "Oregon StateTroopers don't have balls."

There was a moment of silence.

And t...

I went to the library today and asked where I could find books on greases, oils and lubricants.

The librarian suggested I try the non-friction section.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

What is a pirate's favorite comic book company?

You may've thought it was Marrrrrvel, but his first love is always DC.

I popped into Waterstones yesterday and asked for a book on Turtles.

'Hardback?'

'Yes, with little legs and a head'.

The library books…

There once was a woman who usually took her young son to the library, and helped him pick out books. One week she was busy, so she dropped him off, and said he could pick some books while she shopped. After running her errands, she returned to the library and picked him up. On the way home, the woma...

Most characters in the Harry Potter series were represented well in their transition from book to movie;

But Nearly Headless Nick was poorly executed.

I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

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Book of the Year

I just read a book about amazing basements


It was a best cellar

I went to the library to check out a medical book on abdominal pain

but when I got it home, I found that someone had ripped out the appendix.

If anybody received a book from me at Christmas

They'll be due back at the library in the next few days.

I just finished a book in braille that said communism was the best political system

I mean it didn’t say it directly, but I could feel between the lines.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly, the woman gathers courage to go ask him out. She walks over, takes a seat next to him, turns and says...

"Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure...but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were...

When i have my first child I’m going to make him read all the Harry Potter books and convince him he is also a wizard.

On his 11th birthday he will receive his hogwarts letter (written by me) and i will then take him to kings cross station and say nothing as he runs at the wall between platform 9 and 10.

A man is in court today charged with tippexing all the fullstops in books at his local library

He's expecting a long sentence.

In a fantasy book, a woman stares awkwardly at her date

As her date munched on a cookie his size, she asked, “why didn’t you tell me you were a pixie online?”

The date said, “I literally told you I was ten inches.”

I wanted to read The Book Thief...

…but someone stole my copy.

Rammy the Ram got his first book published

He rushed down to his local library to see if they would stock it.

Unfortunately they wouldn’t. Their rules were quite clear on that matter.
The librarian told him directly: “We are sorry, but we can’t allow rampages in our library.”

Look, I'm all for coloring books...

but connect-the-dots? That's where I draw the line.

Booked a table for 2 for the valentine's day

Hope my girlfriend likes snooker

Why did the psychic carry a book to the top of a tree on the beach?

To practice palm reading.

Inspired by Obama, Trump will soon be releasing his favorite books of 2022

along with the crayons that go with them.

Snoopy writes a Batman comic book.

"He is the Dark and Stormy Knight..."

Did you hear about Marie Kondo’s latest book on organizing closets?

It’s called Hanger Management

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater for his birthday

He said it was the most violent book he’s ever read

My wife brought home the new Prince Harry book

I prefer Cushelle or Andrex personally but times are hard I suppose

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover

The real proof that one shouldn't judge a book by it's cover is that math text books have pictures of kids having fun on the front.

I bought a book called 2,023 Lighthouses

Huge ripoff— there were only 12 in there.

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A nun is praying in her convent in rural Ireland when there is a sudden bang and a cloud of green smoke

When the smoke clears she sees two honest to goodness leprechauns standing in front of her, looking just like the legends said they looked. Fine green clothes, top hats, red mutton chops and standing about two feet tall. One stares at his feet sheepishly. The more confident one speaks

"Top ...

What do a Choose-Your-Own-Adventure book reader and someome good at pleasing women have in common?

They are both willing to keep as many fingers inside until they get to a good ending.

Why shouldn't you write a book on penguins?

Because writing on paper is much easier.

Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...

Does anybody know where I can find a good family cooking book?

It's not easy shopping when you're a cannibal.

I’m making a comic book about a superhero toilet.

Billionaire bidet, crime fighter by night.

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

Venus Williams and Bruno Mars were sitting at a bar talking about where they were from.



The bartender said, "Hey - you two should write a book!"

Two newfies are robbing a house

Two newfies (guys from Newfoundland) are robbing a house.

One of them is upstairs, and after dropping a big lamp, he hears the home's owner get up to investigate the noise. As he gets close, the robber goes "Miiaaowwww" imitating a cat, then he hears the guy grubling "God damn it, stupid cat"...

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I bought my new bride some cookery books for her birthday to help her in the kitchen.

She bought me some sex education books on my birthday.

did you hear about stephen king's book about a killer clown?

he made it.

What did the math book say to the literature book?

I envy you, you’re so full of stories and I’ll I’ve got is problems

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Sportsman's Callenge

(25/M) I was at the bar the other night. Early. I could read my book, and drink my bourbon without distraction. I'm reading, drinking, enjoying my time.

About an hour in, a very good looking older woman walks in. She sits right next to me and orders a Bulleit bourbon, light rocks. As that's w...

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

I’m currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.

It’s an autobiography.

I couldn’t go to the library today

i was totally booked……

My local tennis club doesn't allow courts to be pre-booked.

It works on a first come, first serve basis.

A politician dies

So a politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.


"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people...

Before you go around posting “He has risen”

Remember to add spoiler alert.

Some of us haven’t read the book yet.

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I'm going to write a book about a man who makes love to a clock

It's about fucking time

Which chemical element could be someones comic book fetish?

Manganese.

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I want to write a children's book

It's called "Only You Poop and it's Wrong"

A collector of rare books ran into a friend who told him he had just thrown out an old Bible that he had found in a dusty old box.

The collector's friend mentioned that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed the Bible.

"You don't mean Gutenberg?" gasped the collector.

"Yes, that was it!"

"You fool! You've thrown out one of the first books ever printed! A copy was recently auctioned off for hundreds of thousand...

I've just finished writing my book on penguins...

My wife thinks it would be better on paper.

I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

I started a book club in prison

It's called prose and cons.

One of my books just had a four-star review!

The reviewer said "This book is \*\*\*\*"

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

A little boy asked his dad, "why is the book so thick?"

"It's a long story son."

Why do russian oligarchs only buy MacBooks?

Because they fear windows

Have you heard the story of the two skunks named In and Out?

They lived in the forest with their mother skunk. And whenever In was in, Out was out. And whenever In was out, Out was in.

One day, when In was out and Out was in, mother skunk said to Out, "Out, I need you to go out and bring In in."

So Out went out and immediately brought In in. <...

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

I'm compiling a book of poems by felons.

I'm going to call it "Prose and Cons".

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LPT: If You're unhappy with your life, remember it's a question of perspective, my friend has sex 2-3 times a day, exercises daily, reads two books weekly, but he's still complaining about his life

...in prison

I just published my first book on Poltergeists....

Copies were flying off the shelves.....

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Cassey.

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Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

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A horse is sitting in his stable one day when he hears music coming from the farmhouse. He waits patiently for the farmer to go out before making his way across to the farmhouse to see what's going on. As he peers through the window he can see MTV is on the television.

Horse goes into the house and sees a rock band on the screen. He is instantly taken by the guitar and decides there and then he wants to play. He uses the telephone and calls the local music shop. He explains that he has seen the band on TV, that he is a horse and that he wants to play guitar, The m...

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

How does a duck carry his school books?

Bwack pwack

Mike Tyson has written a book on Ethics in Massachusetts

If it's a success, he's going to write books on the other counties.

I got a great deal and paid only $6 for a book titled “100 Truly Disgusting Jokes.”

If you break it down per joke, I only paid for the author’s 6 cents of humor.

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

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