I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Until I got kicked out of the library.

A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.

"They're right behind you!"

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

Why did the two book lovers break up?

They weren't quite on the same page.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bookstore and asks "Hi, have you got that new book about tiny penises?"

The lady behind the counter says "I don't think it's in yet"

The man says "yep, that's the one".

I read a suspenseful book about suicide

It really left you hanging

I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic. In the end he dies

The books called Nemo 3: The last straw

A book fell on my head

I get I've got my shelf to blame

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Good dick... Or a good book?

Depends on which is longer.

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

I wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Don't buy it!

Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.

My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Today my son asked me "can I have a book mark?"

I'm so sad that he still doesn't know my name is brian

All the comic books I inherited from my brothers had the last pages missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Did you hear about the ANTI-GRAVITY book ?

.. apparently it's hard to put down!

Why don't people sympathize when your books fall onto the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame.

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs.

I think it's a pretty bright idea

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 little people were gathered around a Guinness World Record book, and they all wanted in.

The first looked at his hands and said "I have small hands! I bet I can get in with these guys!"

The second looked at her feet saying "hey, I have small feet! I bet I can get in for the smallest feet!"

The third looked at (you probably guessed it) his penis, saying "okay... I'm a shoe-...

I recently read Donald Trump’s book...

Unfortunately, I didn’t get past Chapter 11.

My friend has been up in court for defacing library books

He was discovered tippexing all the full stops out, the judge said he should expect a long sentence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I went into a library to get a book on suicide

after searching for a while with no success I asked the librarian if I could take out a book on suicide. She told me "fuck off you wont bring it back "

Why are some books so pretentious

Because they all feel entitled

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

What do you call a book club that's has been stuck on one book for years?

The church!

A frog reads a book

A man goes to the library and sees a frog there, who takes out 10 books.

The next day, the man goes back to the library and sees the frog return the ten books, and check out another 16 books! The man is very curious to how the frog reads these books so quickly so he decides to follow him home...

How does Paul Ryan expect to sell books

without a Spine?

My first book

I was working on a book. Once I finished it, I asked my parents to read it, so that they can let me know how it is. Once they finished the book I asked for the review. They said they hope the main character dies. The irony is, It was an autobiography.

Why don't libraries carry books about suicide?

Because they never get returned.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

Did you hear about the guy who stole $10,000 worth of textbooks from the University book store?

They made him return both of them.

After years of waiting, they finally published a book on how clocks work.

It's about time.

[OC] I am thinking of writing a book, where a rich cat owns a slave who freely makes honey for her, and the slave's tragic tale.

It is called 'The Great Cat's bee'.

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages.

That’s a lot of coloring when you think about it (Adam Sandler)

A book never written.

Equality
By: Sibil Wrights.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new monk shows up at a monastery where the monks spend their time making copies of ancient books.

The new monk goes to the basement of the monastery saying he wants to make copies of the originals rather than of others' copies so as to avoid duplicating errors they might have made.
Several hours later the monks, wondering where their new friend is, find him crying in the basement.
They a...

A kid walk into a library and asks the librarian for a book on turtles.

Librarian replies, "Hard back?"

The kid, Yea, with little heads.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally sent a dick pick to my entire address book

not only was it embarrassing, but the stamps were damn expensive.

I want to be a puppeteer so I bought this book for beginners.

It’s called: Ventriloquism for Dummies!

What’s a Russians favorite book store?

Barnes & Chernobyl

Today I Picked Up A New Book On Anti-Gravity

I can't seem to put it down.

I bought a book about black holes

As soon as I opened it, I was immediately sucked in.

My friend surprised me for my birthday with a book called ‘Road-Kill Recipes’.

I did find some road-kill the other day, so I cooked it according to one recipe and it was delicious. I’m just not sure what I should do with the bicycle.

I made a book about helicopters

It really took off

Apple just released a joke book, and here's is an extract...

LICENCE NOT FOUND


Please Pay $999 To View Joke

I bought a do it yourself book on Amazon.

I only received paper, pen, bindings and glue.

Asked the librarian for a book on suicide and she said she couldn’t help me.....

....because i wouldn’t return the book.

I heard China's president, Xi Jinping, is having a little red book made of his quotes like Mao Zedong had.

I hope it will be called "That's What Xi Said"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I read a book about the digestive system..

The ending was shit.

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

Why was the math book so shy?

Because it has word problems

Now that Game of Thrones is ending, you know who my dad thinks should write pirate books?

George "Arrre Arrre" Martin

I'm sorry.

Did you know that a dog wrote a book about his adventures in space?

*I, Shih Tzu-Naut*

Today, I picked up a book about travelling back to the past.

It was about time.

I just read a book on how they join two boat panels together.

It was riveting!

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

A blonde goes to the library to get a book.

A few days later, she comes back and says to librarian at the counter, "This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so I would like to return it."

The librarian says to her coworkers, "So here's the person who took our phone book!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

I wrote a book.

It's called *Preparing Your Pets for the Apocalypse, and Other Fun Recipies*

All my books fell down last night

I’m going to kill my shelf

Fed up with God's creations, Lucifer decides to lead an army to destroy humanity...

The war had been raging for many years, and humanity was slowly losing. Lucifer could raise a never ending stream of demons, and until he was contained, the fighting would never end.

In order to stop him, God gives the humans a ritual that would seal away Satan forever. The Pope was recruited...

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

There’s a puzzle book which says 5-6 years.

But I solved it under six months!

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

Will someone please make a picture book out of the Mueller Report

So Trump supporters can finally read it

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

Whats the difference between a Mexican and a book?

The book has papers.

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

What do you carry your books in?

Zack: A backpack

Zach: A bachpach

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

I read the Book of Genesis yesterday.

And it was good.

My wife just told me, “I’m sick of your word play jokes. Why don’t you write a book instead?”

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

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