I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records

Then I got kicked out of the library.

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide

The librarian says "Fuck off! You won't bring it back!"

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.

It was an autobiography...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally sent a dick pick to my entire address book

not only was it embarrassing, but the stamps were damn expensive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What would you call a book about redditors having sex

Karma Sutra

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

Asked the librarian for a book on suicide and she said she couldn’t help me.....

....because i wouldn’t return the book.

I went to the library, and I asked the librarian if they carried a book called “How To Deal With Rejection.”

She told me no, so I started shaking and weeping uncontrollably.

I wrote a book.

It's called *Preparing Your Pets for the Apocalypse, and Other Fun Recipies*

Recently a book fell into my head

And I blame myshelf for that

What do you call a book club that has been stuck on one book for years?

Church

a man is walking through is local mall and noticed a mexican book store.

the man goes in as he has never seen a mexican book store before. he browses for a while and then approaches the clerk and asks:

'do you have the book on trumps foreign policies with mexico?'

the clerk reply's: 'f*ck you!! get out and stay out!!!'

the man reply's: 'yep that's th...

Did you know that a dog wrote a book about his adventures in space?

*I, Shih Tzu-Naut*

Librarian: “You have outstanding overdue book fees of $6,752.35 in total”

Me: “Why thank you!”

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted.

The fifth one was dead Sirius.

What’s a mexican’s favorite book?

Tequila mockingbird

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books,

but he’s only got his shelf to blame.

I've been reading a book about the shape of the mathematical functions of sine and cosine...

It has its ups and downs...

I’m currently reading a great book about Lubricants.

It’s non-friction

Can you name the villain from The Jungle Book?

...because I Shere Khan!

Don’t you just hate it when you go somewhere and some idiot decides to spoil a book you are reading.

Like seriously Carol I didn’t need to know jesus died for my sins. I haven’t gotten to that part yet.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

I read the Book of Genesis yesterday.

And it was good.

My wife just told me, “I’m sick of your word play jokes. Why don’t you write a book instead?”

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

What do you carry your books in?

Zack: A backpack

Zach: A bachpach

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

I've been reading this book about how people have a hard time euthanizing their pets

I just cant put it down

Will someone please make a picture book out of the Mueller Report

So Trump supporters can finally read it

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

Whats the difference between a Mexican and a book?

The book has papers.

I'm getting ny first book published

I'm an ex stunt man getting my first book published about the best way to fall down stairs

It's a step-by-step guide

What is an alcoholic's favourite book?

Tequila Mocking Bird


(credit to my sister)

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

I wrote a book about a papyrus plant

It's a good reed

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a baby wrote a book, what would they name it?

A Tell of Two Titties

I launched a book aimed for 9-12 year olds

And I’m proud to say I hit one of them

What Dr Seuss book do they read every morning in Canada?

Tim Hortons hears a Who

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't care for it much at first, but after a while i could 't put it down.

Why wasn’t the director allowed to use a sword as a prop in his film adaption of a artillery book?

It wasn’t cannon

I've written my first book, 5 words to success.

"That's true, you're absolutely right. "

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

I've just seen the most confusing book.

Ventriloquism for Dummies

A chicken walks into a library and says “book book book”

So the librarian gives him a book and he walks out. But the librarian thinks this is kinda weird so she follows him home. On the way home the chicken meets a frog. When the chicken sees the frog he shows him his book and says “book book book.” The frog replies “Reddit Reddit Reddit.”

DnD books:$20

Gas to go the store:$15

Realizing you have nothing to roll:diceless

I've got a book coming out soon

Shouldn't have eaten it really

I’m reading a really good book about vacuums

I’m just so sucked into it!

I got a book in my bathroom that I write my feelings and personal thoughts into while on the toilet

I call it my diarrhea

I've just bought a book about Feng Shui,

but I can't decide where to put it.

Today in math class I had to fart. I thought if I dropped my book and farted at the same time, no one would hear it.

I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I farted. Loudly.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Just finished my book about having sex with clocks

It’s about fucking time

Did you hear hear about the guys who wrote the book about eating all you can at buffets?

They weren’t hungry Et Al.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I finally finished my book on making love to herbs

It's about fucking thyme.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why do characters in books and movies always prefer walking or running down hills?

Because Rowling makes them gay.

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

I don't know why people say Donald Trump doesn't read books...

He always gets to chapter 11.

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

why do people go to Starbucks to write books?

because white noise helps them concentrate!

This book I found

This book I found in my closet says treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

If Toys R Us had a book,

Chapter 11 would be named "bankruptcy"

I orderd a book from IKEA

Got a book with a blank pages and a pen

There's a guy who wrote a book about a pencil.

There's no point to it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

Hey, want a book full of jokes?

Here's a copy of my diary!

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

What's a good book to read on a short trip?

*Italian Military Victories*

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The cl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

from an old book

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at tue bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets th...

There was once a man who read no books

He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Cur...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wish my sex appeal was like a math book.

Because I've never met someone that didnt open it up, and say "fuck me."

What’s the most violent book Helen Keller ever read?

A cheese grater

Why are the books always better than the movies?

Because, like communism, some things just worked out better on paper

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

What's the difference between the Game of Thrones books and a Chinese newspaper?

To understand everything in a Chinese newspaper you only need to know about 3,000 characters.

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

Writing books is like prostitution!

First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.








Moliere

Trump's nothing like Hitler.

There's no way he could write a book.

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

Michael Cohen's new book ends the same way as Trump's stories.

At chapter 11.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.

​

“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

Today my son asked me "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name's Brian?!

(Found this one in an old joke book) What did the police officer say to the firefly?

Who glows there?

I just read a book about clocks...

It was almost all second hand information.