UPJOKE
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I ordered a book called "How to scam people"

Its been 6 months and I still haven't received it.

I wrote a book on how to fall down the stairs.

It’s a step by step guide.

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

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A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

I found the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be quite lighthearted.

But the fifth one—-dead Sirius.

My son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered this for a moment and replied: “When Abe Lincoln was your age he was The President of the United States.”

I’ve just finished writing a book on snakes.

It would have been much easier if I’d just written in on paper…

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

There was this guy who found an ancient book.

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.


Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see i...

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records,

then the librarian asked me to take it out

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A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

Why is the book so thick?

Long story

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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book..

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of…cross referencing.

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I have a friend who has sex three or four times a week, exercises for an hour everyday, reads several books a week, and his "wife" does whatever he tells her to...

... and all he does is complain about prison

Uvalde citizen gets pulled over

A very cute blonde was pulled over for speeding by an Uvalde motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book, she said, "I bet you're going to sell me a ticket to the policeman's Ball."

The cop replied, "No, ma'am. You're thinking of the Border Patrol , the Uval...

A blonde walks into a library and says to the librarian, "The book I borrowed last week was just awful. It had absolutely no plot, and the vocabulary was too complex!"

The librarian calls into the back room, "Hey, we found the lady who took our dictionary!"

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It started off badly but by the end I really liked it.

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I’m writing a book where I document and rate all my poops

It’s called my log log

A dirty joke from the 1400s...

In Florence, a young woman, somewhat of a simpleton, was on the point of delivering a baby. She had long been enduring acute pain, and the midwife, candle in hand, inspected her secret area, in order to ascertain if the child was coming. “Look also on the other side,” said the poor creature, “my hus...

I tried reading a parenting book once...

... But my kid colored all over it

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A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doin'?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "Hes on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if hed like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.
<...

You ordered a book "How to scam people" online. After how many days it will arrive to your location?

Never

Jimmy Carr says this is the oldest joke he found for a book on humor

A man sits down in the barbers chair, the barber says "how would you like your hair cut?" the man says "in silence"

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I’m writing a book on losing your virginity

It’s important to put it in the first person

A little boy was diligently reading his book when he suddenly asked, "Mum, how do rabbits bark?"

His mother looks up in surprise. "Rabbits don't bark, dear", she says.

"That's odd", says the boy, "Here it is written that rabbits eat carrots and bark."

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.

I’ll call it my oughtabiography.

Good book is like a good puppy

A good book is like a good puppy, easy to pick up but hard to put down

I bought a book on "How to Stop Procrastinating".

I'll read it later.

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A man goes into a library and asks the librarian for a book on suicide…

The librarian responds, “Fuck off! You won’t bring it back.”

The author of the book " How to murder your husband" is on trial for murdering her husband

I'm now writing a book " how to be a billionaire"

Mr. Johnson boarded a plane to New York City. He was about to sit down in the aisle seat he had booked when he saw a blonde woman sitting in his seat.

"Wh-what are you doing?!" sputtered Mr. Johnson. "I specifically booked this seat! Why aren't you sitting in your seat?!"

The blonde woman replied, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, and I'm sitting in this aisle seat until this plane lands in New York City."

Angrily, Mr. Johnson snatched the blo...

Why was the band named "Books"

So no one would judge them by their covers

A woman goes to the library and whispers to the librarian, "Where can I find a book about restarting your love life after having kids?"

The librarian points to an aisle and whispers back, "Non-Friction."

I tried to read a book about machines that drill large holes in the ground.

It was boring.

A man was reading a book

at 3 am, when suddenly all electric devices in the building stopped working. In darkness he was unable to read, but he wasn't mad...
He was de-lighted.

I think it's smart for Texans to remove books from libraries...

They're going to need more fuel for the fires after the Power Grid fails again

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

Why did the math book look so sad?

Because it has many problems.

A man goes to the dentist to ask how much it would be to pull a tooth.

“$100,” said the dentist.

“Oh, that’s expensive,” said the main. “Do you have anything cheaper?”

“That’s the normal price for an extraction,” said the dentist.

The man thinks about it, “what about if you don’t use the anesthetic?”

“Well, that would be unusual, but we ...

For everyone saying he has risen

How about using spoiler alert. Some of us haven’t read the book yet.

Hey, does anybody remember that famous multi-personality patient who was the subject of the book Sybil that came out in the '70s? well, I went to high school with her!

A lot of the other kids kind of avoided her, but I thought she was good people.

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I once read a book with details on sex and the many various pleasurable techniques…

It turned out to be a work of friction!

I was reading this book about an “immortal” dog

it was impossible to put down

I bought a book on the sunk cost fallacy.

It's not very good but I'm halfway through, so I thought I might as well finish it.

I recently read a book called 100 Things to Do Before You Die.

I was really surprised that yelling for help was not one of them.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happily mu...

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"<...

What does the drunk professor say when he realizes he just urinated all over his books ?

Epist-em-ology

I found a book on how to avoid procrastination...

I think I'll read it tomorrow

-My wife read the book "Twins" and she gave birth to twins

\-Mine read the book "Three little girls" and she gave birth to triplets

\-Oh my god! I left my wife reading "Ali baba and the forty thieves"

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A guy turned to his wife who was reading her book and asked

How's your book? Interesting read?

She replied: well, the only way I could describe it, is that it's a bit like our sex life

How so? Replied the guy

Well it's short, boring and a bit predictable.

Yesterday, I accidentally sent a naked picture of myself to everyone in my address book. Not only was it embarrassing...

,,,it cost me a fortune in stamps.

Buy my new book: How to become a Millionaire $1 at a time

On sale now for only $1

I asked the librarian if they had any books on Pavlov.

She said she’d have to check to be sure, but that the name rang a bell.

I got booked to perform on a roast

It was ok, but I got gravy on my shoes.

I'm reading a book on antigravity and....

I can't put it down. For some reason.

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Did you know that Sean Connery wrote an entire book on the toilet?

Aye, he wrote it in one shitting

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Life is all about perspective. Take my friend for example...

...The guy has sex at least twice a week. He works out like everyday. He reads a book at least every few days... but the guy is constantly complaining to me about hiw bad prison is.

I just wrote a review of a book that argues that math charts should use bolder lines.

My review: "The plot thickens"

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Ray Bradbury wrote a book about Mitch McConnell having sex...

"Something Wicked This Way Comes".

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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

I just finished an amazing book highlighting the similarities of John F. Kennedy and Abraham Lincoln...

it was mind blowing!

Friends, just a reminder to those who received a book from me at Christmas...

They are due back in the library on the 29th.

I recently wrote a book about poltergeists

I'm pleased to say it's really been flying off the shelves.

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A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

"How'd the book burning go last night?"

"It was all Reich"

A Politician Dies And Has To Spend Just ONE Day In Hell

A politician dies and ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..."

"Well, yes, is that a problem?"

"Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for p...

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

A man walks into a library and asks the librarian for books about paranoia.

She whispers, "They're right behind you!"

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing.

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

The Pope dies and stands in front of the gates of heaven.

St. Peter looks at him confused:" Who are you? I don't know you." The Pope says" I'm the Pope, the holy father". Peter scrolls through his holy book " Pope, Pope, holy father..... nope, not in here". Now the Pope is confused "But I'm God's representative on earth." Peter says " Pease wait a minute" ...

They say the people burning books are just a vocal minority

But I don't see the police harassing them?

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.

Policeman: “Name, please?”

Woman: “Freda.”

Policeman: “Surname?”

Woman: “Gonow.”

Policeman: “So you are Freda Gonow.”

Woman: “Thanks very much”, and she takes off!

Russia should be in the Book of World Records.

They are in the biggest game of

"I'm not touching you"

What do you call a book with a twist ending

A Hook

I bought a book today about how to attach permanent metal fasteners.

It’s riveting.

A blonde stormed up to the front desk of the library and screamed, "I have a complaint."

The Librarian looked up at her and asked, "How can I help you?"

The blonde answers, "I borrowed a book last week and it was horrible."

The Librarian in a puzzled tone, asks, "What was wrong with it?"

To that, the blonde replies, "It had way too many characters and there was no...

I went to the library to ask for a book on Tortoises.

The clerk asked, "Hardback?"
"Yes" I said "and leathery legs and a stumpy tail".

Because I try to be honest with myself, for Christmas I got my mom a book called "But, I'm Still Your Mom: How to Deal With Your Disappointing Grown Children"

Amazon says it should be here by the 29th.

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Sex on the beach!

A widowed Jewish woman, mid 50′s, went to a Tel Aviv beach for the first time since her husband passed. She was still attractive and looked good in her bathing suit. On the same beach was an attractive man, mid 50’s, getting some sun and reading a book. She put her blanket down next to his and ...

Why doesn't Trump read books?

He only reads MAGAzines

A man dies and shows up in heaven

When he gets there, he sees an angel sitting down at a desk with a book. "What's your name, and how did you die?" The angel asks. "Rick Thomson, and I fell down my stairs." the man replies.

The angel flips through the book and then looks back up to Rick. "It looks like it isn't your time to d...

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My therapist said I could book 10 sessions in advance for £5000.

She must think I'm crazy!!

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Three men are trying to get in the World Record Book

One man says, "hey, I have tiny hands, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Hands." Another man says, "hey, I have tiny feet, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Feet." The remaining man says, "hey, I have tiny testicles, maybe I could get in for World's Smallest Balls."

The three ...

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

why don't people care when your books fall on the floor?

Because you only got your shelf to blame

A couple celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by staying at a hotel.

The couple walk up to the front desk to check-in.
Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you?
The husband holding his wife's hand: I would like your most beautiful room please.
Receptionist: Sure! For how long would you like to stay?
The Husband: 1 night please.
Receptionist: One whole n...

Man crushed by pile of old books

His wife said he only had his shelf to blame

The Possessed Book

It was a dark, rainy night, far out in the country side, among hills when a family was traveling in their car. They were surprised to see a man selling books in the rain. He hailed the car and asked if they wanted to buy any books.

One of the boys in the family was interested in haunted myste...

I tell all my dates I'm an open book.

The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, fifth edition.

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know wh...

A man walks into a library. “Where are your books on BDSM?”

The librarian does not look up from her reference book. “I’m sorry sir, they are still being bound.”

I was perfectly sane when I still had a comic book collection

It’s tough when you lose your Marvels….

What Book Has Four Chapter 11’s?

Trump: The Art of the Deal

Jesus was walking outside the gates of heaven and he sees an old man sitting on a bench..

He approaches the old man and asks.. "good sir, why have you not entered heaven yet?" The old man replies "I'm waiting for my son, he should be along soon." Jesus thinks for a second and asks "will you tell me of your son? Maybe I know of him." The old man sighs and says "Sadly, we lost touch when...

Stephen King

I still think it's weird his most popular book is about Information Technology.

Amazon needs a new app

An audio book app with sign language. We’ll call it *inAudible*.

I started writing a book about apathy once …

I couldn’t be bothered finishing it!

I spent all my money on self-help books.

I just couldn't help myself.

A little three year old boy is sitting on the toilet.

His mother thinks he has been in there too long, so she goes in to see what's up.

The little boy is sitting on the toilet reading a book. But about every ten seconds or so he puts the book down, grips onto to the toilet seat with his left hand and hits himself on top of the head with his r...

Library Line

In the public library, a man with his new library card questioned the pretty librarian.

“Do you mean to say,” he asked, “that with this card I may take out any book I want?”

“Yes,” she answered.

“And may I take out record albums, too?”

“Yes, you may.”

“May I take y...

A man went to the doctor...

He said, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like this before, how long has...

A woman was nervously waiting at the airport for her husband to return from his skydiving lesson.

The pilot approached her: "I'm sorry, but there's been an accident. I have some bad news, some good news, some more bad news, and some more good news.

The bad news is your husband fell out of the plane.
The good news is he had his parachute on.
The bad news is he hit the ground befo...

I started a new job and was handed a book

"What's this?" I asked.

"This is our work bible" replied the manager

"why call it a Bible?"

"because it's written by man and it's full of errors"

There once was a man named Mr. Evans who pursued a law degree, even though his passion was music. All through law school, he yearned to drop out and play in a cover band, singing Beatles songs all night to a crowd of fans. Eventually, though the man became a lawyer instead.

Through the years, he became a highly esteemed practicioner of law. He rose in his practice of jurisprudence until one day he even became a county judge. He came home and told his wife that he still wasn’t satisfied. Despite everything, singing the Beatles was still his dream. She told her next door...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

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