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My penis is in the Guinness Book of World Records.

At least it was until the police dragged me out of the library.

The year is 2540, a student notices something odd about his history book

“How come these textbooks skip the years 1990 through 1999?” He asks

The teacher puts down his marker, lowers his head and sighs.

“Because...” he lifts his head, a single tear rolls down his cheek, “...only 90’s kids remember the 90’s”

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books...

One day, a zookeeper noticed a chimpanzee reading two books--The Bible and Darwin's Origin of the Species. Astonished, he asked the ape, "Not only can you read, you're reading two books at once!?"

"Well," said the chimp, "I'm trying to figure out if I'm my brother's keeper, or my keeper's bro...

What do you call a book club thats been stuck on one book for years?

The church

I went into a book store today and asked if they had any books about turtles.

The cashier said : “hardback?”

I said: “yeah and little heads”

I just finished reading a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't care for it much at first, but after a while i could 't put it down.

I launched a book aimed for 9-12 year olds

And I’m proud to say I hit one of them

I was reading a book on cocaine addiction the other day

After the first few lines I was hooked.

I've just seen the most confusing book.

Ventriloquism for Dummies

Idk if this one’s been said but here you go. A man goes to the library and askes for a book about the best way to commit suicide

The librarian says “frick off I know your not gonna return it.”

I've got a book coming out soon

Shouldn't have eaten it really

DnD books:$20

Gas to go the store:$15

Realizing you have nothing to roll:diceless

Whats the difference between a Mexican and a book?

The book has papers.

I went to the library and asked the librarian if she knew where books on paranoia were.

She said "They're right behind you".

A chicken walks into a library and says “book book book”

So the librarian gives him a book and he walks out. But the librarian thinks this is kinda weird so she follows him home. On the way home the chicken meets a frog. When the chicken sees the frog he shows him his book and says “book book book.” The frog replies “Reddit Reddit Reddit.”

Did you hear hear about the guys who wrote the book about eating all you can at buffets?

They weren’t hungry Et Al.

Today in math class I had to fart. I thought if I dropped my book and farted at the same time, no one would hear it.

I dropped my book and everyone looked at me. Then I farted. Loudly.

I'm killing off the main character in my book.

It's an autobiography.

This book I found

This book I found in my closet says treat your spouse as you would on the first date, so I split the bill and dropped her off at her parents

What do you call books written for cats?

Kitty Litter-ature.

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Just finished my book about having sex with clocks

It’s about fucking time

What’s a cars favorite book?

An auto-biography

I don't know why people say Donald Trump doesn't read books...

He always gets to chapter 11.

I've just bought a book about Feng Shui,

but I can't decide where to put it.

Hey, want a book full of jokes?

Here's a copy of my diary!

There's a guy who wrote a book about a pencil.

There's no point to it.

I orderd a book from IKEA

Got a book with a blank pages and a pen

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I finally finished my book on making love to herbs

It's about fucking thyme.

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A book never written: "When Your Dick Gets Almost Completely Severed"

Author: Peter Hanginoff

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome

It started off badly, but towards the end I really liked it

I'm currently reading this really captivating book called "How To Improve Your Sense of Direction".

It's so good that I can't put it up.

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

What's a good book to read on a short trip?

*Italian Military Victories*

One of my friends is writing a book about the speech patterns of prison and the criminals inside

In other words, the prose and cons of jail

why do people go to Starbucks to write books?

because white noise helps them concentrate!

Michael Cohen's new book ends the same way as Trump's stories.

At chapter 11.

Ive been writing a book specifically for the blind.

My wife asked me how it was going and I said, " I think I brailed it."

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

I finished writing a book about clocks 5 years ago but only just managed to publish it last week.

It's about time.

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from an old book

Two Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at tue bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow, I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes." The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets th...

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I wish my sex appeal was like a math book.

Because I've never met someone that didnt open it up, and say "fuck me."

Did you hear about the new anti-vaxxer relationship counseling book?

Men are from Mars, Autism is from Mercury.

Writing books is like prostitution!

First you do it for love, and then for a few close friends, and then for money.








Moliere

What’s the most violent book Helen Keller ever read?

A cheese grater

Have you read that new book on anti-gravity?

It's hard to put down.

Trump's nothing like Hitler.

There's no way he could write a book.

I thought my son was spending too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

My friend said they'd finally read Stephen Hawking's book.

I said, "It's about time."

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

Why are the books always better than the movies?

Because, like communism, some things just worked out better on paper

There was once a man who read no books

He roamed around as the most popular guy in the town. One day, his friend told recommended him a book, telling him that he "must read it!!" So he did. A while later, he went back to his friend, telling him that he had read it. Suddenly, a bunch of his friends dropped out of his life, like magic. Cur...

They said we need to take part in World Book Day at school

So I’m dressing up as the Invisible Boy

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The editor rejected my book, he said my metaphores are incomprehensible...

I'm sad as a coconut.



Due to popular demand, **EDIT**: metaphors*... Freakin' grammar nazis... On a second thought, maybe grammar also played a role in my rejection, who knows...

What's the difference between the Game of Thrones books and a Chinese newspaper?

To understand everything in a Chinese newspaper you only need to know about 3,000 characters.

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A butler comes up to his lord reading a book to tell him something urgent.

"Milord?" says the butler.

"Yes, Alfred? What do you need?" answers his lord.

"I am sorry for this interuption but I've found some monkey that is up on one of the palm trees we have planted in our garden recently, milord." explained himself Alfred.

Lord sighs, closes his book an...

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Trump book

Today I was at the bookstore; as I was wandering around, the clerk stopped me and offered to help me.

I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientele, so I asked, "Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The cl...

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

(Found this one in an old joke book) What did the police officer say to the firefly?

Who glows there?

My friend recently got crushed by a pile of books...

But he’s only got his shelf to blame.

I read a book about ants falling in love in Rome.

It was full of Rome Ants.

A Frenchmen goes to a library for a book he wants about warfare.

He asks the librarian at the front desk for a book about warfare. The librarian simply responds, “You’ll just lose it.”

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I wrote some good books about music. What pisses me off is that...

...nobody wants to rhythm.

Recently got an antigravity book

I just can’t put it down

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A recently widowed Jewish lady named Sarah, was sitting on a beach towel. She looked up and noticed that a man her age had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand nearby and began reading a book...

Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "Hello, sir, how are you?"

"Fine, thank you." he responded, and turned back to his book.

"I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked.

"First time since my wife passed away last year." he replied and again tur...

A bunch of books fell on my head last night

I was pretty mad but I guess I've only got my shelf to blame.

I just went into my local bookstore and asked if they had any books on turtles...

“Hardback?”, asked the clerk.

​

“Yes, with cute little legs.” I said.

After years of avoiding social commitments, I finally attended my book club meeting.

Turns out I hadn't missed out on much, they were still stuck on the same book- The Bible

To all those who received a book from me for Christmas

They're due back at the library today

I just read a book that rubbed me the wrong way

It was science friction

A married couple are lying in bed one night...

A married couple is lying in bed one night.

The wife is curled up, ready to go to sleep, and the husband turns his bed lamp on to read a book. As he's reading, he periodically reaches over to his wife and fondles her special bits. He does this a few times, but only for a very short interval b...

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I asked the bookstore clerk if he had Trump’s new book on border security.

He said “Fuck you! Get out and stay out!” I replied, “ Yes- that’s the one. Do you have it in paperback?”

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Book never written

"Treating diarrhea while in Mexico" by Willy Makeit and narrated by Betty Don't

My local library refuses to stock how-to books about suicide.

They used to, but the decent ones were never returned.

I just read a book about clocks...

It was almost all second hand information.

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A guy walks into a library and asks the librarian, "do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don't know if it's in yet."

The man replies, "Yeah that's the one."

Today my son asked me "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name's Brian?!

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A man visits a Mexican book store

He decides to go in. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

A book just fell on Sean Connery's head. He said...

"I've only myshelf to blame"

I got scammed! Purchased Tiger Woods book “18 of my favorite holes”...

and it was about golf.

I read this joke in a book of Jewish humor some years ago.

An elderly Jewish woman was about to board an El Al flight from JFK to Tel Aviv, carrying her little lap dog in a cage, covered by a blanket. The gate agent informed her that there was no way she could carry the dog aboard the plane, but assured her the dog would be perfectly safe in the luggage co...

Outside of a dog, books are a man's best friend

Inside of a dog, its too dark to read.

Trump’s Least Favorite Picture Book

Where’s Wall Dough?

I borrowed a book from the library the other day..

..it was all about surgery.

It wasn't until I got home that I realised someone had taken the appendix out.

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You know how there is book for potty training called "Everybody Poops"

There should be a book on dealing with people called "Everybodys Full of Shit"

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3 Men were looking to get in the world record book

So they look at each other, trying to find some notable qualities that will get them in the guiness book of world records. After some inspection, the first guy says

“Wow, I have some really long arm hair”

so he decides to go for the record. The second guy says

“Wow, I have som...

Musicians writing books

I want to write a book about Musicians that write books about their music, I will call it Simon & Schuster and Garfunkel.

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I asked the librarian in my local bookshop if they had the self help book for men with small penises.

She said, “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

“Yeah that’s the one” I said!

I want to open up a discount book store

I’ll call it Food 4 Thought 4 Less

I saw a book for sale titled "How to solve 50% of your problems" in the library

I went there and bought two copies of it.

My friend was bleeding profusely and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away he was going to die.

I gave my mom a sad book for Christmas

I told her to read it and weep

I woke up this morning to find my books scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only my shelf to blame.

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian, 'Excuse me Miss, dee ye hev any books on suicide?'

To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says, 'Fook off, ye'll no bring it back!

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I got a new book about Japanese sex toy vending machines.

It's by Dick D. Spencer

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography…

I'm like a comic book store

I got so many issues...

I read a book on the International Space Station.

I couldn’t put it down.

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A man is at a mall and sees a Mexican book store.

Curious, he walks in to see the selection, and wonders if they have the book he's looking for. So he goes up to the shop owner and asks "do you have the latest book by Donald Trump?"

The shop owner states at him in confusion for a second and yells "Fuck you, get out and stay out!"

Man ...

Have you heard of the book “Living in Polygamy”?

By Sharon Peters