I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

Can you show me a book on how to commit Suicide?

"No" - Librarian "Why?" - Man "You won't bring it back" - Librarian

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

I just can't put it down.

Why don't libraries offer books on suicide?

Because they're never returned

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My penis was in guinness book of world records...

..but then the librarian told me to remove it

The other day in a book store I saw one that was called “How to live with 5$”

It costed 8.50$

Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems

I bought two

My Favorite Dr. Seuss Book:

One Wife, Two Wife, Dead Wife, New Wife

I’m thinking of killing off the main character in my new book.

It will really spice up this autobiography.

Did you know my pp used to be in the Guinness book of world records?

Well it was, until I got kicked out of the library

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A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

Went to the library and picked up a book on adhesives.

Just can’t put it down.

A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

My book is coming out soon

But don't worry, it's my fault, I shouldn't have eaten it.

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I have the sex appeal of a math book.

Ive never seen anyone open a math book and didn't say "fuck me".

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I’m reading a horror book in Braille.

Something terrible’s about to happen. I can feel it

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

I just made a book out of duct tape!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it

This book, “The Procrastination Cure: 21 Proven Tactics For Conquering Your Inner Procrastinator”

I have had it in my Amazon shopping cart for six months, I will probably order it tomorrow.

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

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Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

I just started a short book on the history of luminance.

It's a little light reading.

Why do people support book burnings?

They think lit lit is lit.

A new monk arrived at the monastery. He was assigned to help the other monks in copying a series of old texts by hand. He noticed, however, that they were copying copies, not the original books. The new monk went to the head monk to ask him about this. He pointed out that if there were an error in t

The head monk said: “We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son.”

The head monk went down into the cellar with one of the copies to check it against the original. Hours later, nobody had seen him, so one of the monks went downstairs to look for him. ...

I got caught up far too late in a great book last night.

I was up coloring til after 2am.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

I've been holding off on reading this book about clocks

But I think it's about time

What is #2’s favorite book to read?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology

Don't read it.

Why was the math book sad?

Because it had so many problems.

What did the Frog say after being recommended a book he had already finished?

Reddit, reddit.

I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly but In the end I really liked it.

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'

So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

Why does the minecraft enderdragon never reads a book?

Because he always starts at the end

Ponyboy at one point in the book

Really did have a long face.

I'm starting to get worried about the hotel I booked

I have my reservations.

The bible is one of the best-selling books in the world.

It's very prophetable.

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Did you ever hear about Hitler’s children’s book?

Mein Summer Kampf

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A deeply Christian couple book into a hotel and say to the clerk....

"We hope the porn in the room is disabled?"

clerk replies "No it's just regular porn you sick bastards"

What did the mathbook say to the other books?

I have a problem

Hey baby, are you a library book?

Because the authorities are telling me to return you.

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Just booked a table for me and the missus for Valentines Day knowing this is going to end in tears....

She’s shit at snooker

What is Jose Cuervo's favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird


I'm sorry.

What is your dog's least favorite book in the Bible?

Neuteronomy

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Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

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I accidentally send everyone in my address book a picture of my penis

Not only was it embarrassing, but it cost a fortune in stamps

My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your terrible word play jokes?

Me: That’s ......a novel idea.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

I asked my girlfriend what sort of books she's interested in

She said cheque books.

I don't understand why books are rare in Fahrenheit 451...

I would expect them to be well done

Went to the book store for the Christmas sale “1/3 off all titles”

I got a lovely copy of “The Lion, The Witch”

I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

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Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

I deleted all of my German friends from my phone book

It’s now Hans free

Beat your kids with a phone book.

They won’t even know what hit them!

Did you hear about the self-help book written by a turtle?

It was a New York Times' Best Sheller!

A man walks into the library and asks "where are your books on BDSM?"

The librarian replies "they're still being bound."

This Just in! Over $20,000 dollars in college text books stolen!

Local Police say they have a lead and hope to recover both books.

I’m writing a book about the advantages and disadvantages of being both an author and a scammer.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Title of my new book about how I used to abuse my wife.

The Hits and the Mrs.

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A woman decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says,

“Hey, Dave! How ya doin’?”

His wife is puzzled and asks if he’s been to this club before.

“Oh no,” says Dave. “He’s on my bowling team.”

When they are seated…

A waitress asks Dave if he’d like his usual and brings over ...

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I once stole a pornographic book that was printed in braille.

I used to rub the dirty parts.

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

What did the librarian say when the books were in a mess?

We ought to be ashamed of ourshelves.

What book can be enjoyed by even the colourblind people?

Fifty Shades of Grey.

I just bought a book on spotting scams.

I paid $999 for it, so it must be good.

A woman in the maternity ward was paging through a phone book for hours

A nurse noticed this and asked if she needed some help finding a business.
The woman replied "Oh, no! I'm just looking for a name for my baby!"
The nurse explains "But we have books full of first names for babies and what they mean."
The woman says "No, I already have a first name for...

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Twenty Dollats

On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for her virginity. In his highly aroused state, Her husband readily agreed.This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was aCute way for her to afford ne...

I found an amazing book yesterday, it was so great that I stood up until 3am...

Colouring it

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why?

My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

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Gorilla removal service.

This guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in a tree near his house. He looks in the phone book for a gorilla removal service until he finds one.

"Is it a boy or girl Gorilla?" the service guy asks.

"Boy," is the man's response.

"Oh yeah, I can do it. I'll be right there", ...

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I wrote a book about basements

I am hoping it makes the best cellars list

I recently finished my long overdue book on my favourite herb....

It’s about thyme

Why don't you see a lot of bars in comic books?

Because they look sketchy

I found this in an Indonesian book, and could not find it anywhere else: The man, the pastor, and the chicken

A man came to the church and met the Pastor. "Pastor, I confess," he says.

"At last!" exclaims the Pastor. "Finally you repent too!"

"Listen, Pastor, I have stolen a chicken from someone's field"

"My my, that definitely is a sin."

"If I gave away the chicken to the church...

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

Boomers: kids these days don't know what books are.

**Gen Z:** We're literally using the same textbooks you had. My math book references West Germany.

What's a Mexicans favorite book?

Tequila mocking bird

Outside of a Dog, a book is Man's best friend.

Inside of a Dog, it's far too dark to read.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

If you smoke weed, you get High. If you read books, you get Educated.

If you do both, you get Highly Educated.

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what did the librarian say after the suicidal kid tried to borrow a book on how to commit suicide

"Fuck no I know you're not going to return it"

I bought a book to guide me to climb a ladder

The STEPS were clearly mentioned

Hope it's not repost

My friend has been reading a book about glue a lot

I guess it’s hard to put down

I finished a big book the other day. 421 pages.

That's a lot of coloring when you think about it.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

A friend of mine wrote a book in prison about ratings systems

It was titled "Prose and Cons"

I bought my blind friend a cheese grater

About a week later he told me it was the most violent book he’d ever read

How do you know you're reading one of Donald Trumps books?

It starts on Chapter 11

What did one math book say to the other?

I’ve got problems.

My 8 year old told me this one today.

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I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

I finally published my book on Mediterranean herbs

It's about thyme

I went to the library to get a medical book on abdominal pain.

Somebody had ripped the appendix out.

How come Chinese people don't have phone books?

They have so many Wing's and Wong's, they're afraid somebody might Wing the Wong number.

Sorry if it's a repost. I heard it on the Disney channel roughly 20 years ago. I'll never forget that one!

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

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The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

Coming to Theaters: The thrilling tale of a man who cooked biographical books like turkey on Thanksgiving.

*Baste on a True Story.*

When I was a kid, my dad and I went to the zoo to see the birds.

I loved birds as a kid, and really wanted one as a pet. I would spend hours looking through picture books about birds, studying their plumage, learning all that I could. So when the day came that my dad took me to the zoo to see the bird enclosure, I was really excited.

I had read about the...

I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.

Good old bble.

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Paddy phones Ryanair to book a flight:

Operator asks, "How many people are flying with you?

Paddy replies, "How the fuck do I know?, It's your plane!

I have a book of Mongolian poetry.

It has its prose and Khans.

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

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