A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time." Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?" ...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

Book Jokes.

I read a thriller in Braille.
You can really feel the suspense.

I’m reading a book about Anti-Gravity.
It’s impossible to put down.

I read a book about submarine construction.
It’s riveting.

I’m reading a book about adhesives.
It has me glued to my seat .

I...

Dad, why is that book so thick?

"It's a long story"

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

I was really excited when I picked up a book titled “69 Mating positions”.

Turns out it was about chess.

My friend was recently crushed to death under a huge pile of books.

He's got only his shelf to blame

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.

It’s impossible to put down.

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

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My penis was in The Guinness Book of World Records

That's when i was asked to leave the library.

What is the thinnest book in the world?

20 centuries of German humor.

A man walks into a library and asks if there’s any books about turtles...

Librarian: hardback?

Man: Yea with little heads

So I asked my girlfriend what she would want for her birthday next week

She said: "Well, I dreamt of a golden ring with lots of small diamonds."

I asked her: "What do you think it means?"

She smiled and said: "I don't know..."

Flash forward to her birthday, with all our family members at the table, I gave her my present.

I still don't know w...

I have written a book on Penguins

In hindsight, paper would have been better.

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A man walks into a library and asks for a book on suicide...

“Fuck off” the librarian replied. “You won’t bring it back”

My older brother always tore the last pages of my comic books, and never told me why.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

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My book on herbal erotica finally arrived today.

It’s about fucking thyme.

A monk joins an abbey ready to dedicate his life to copying ancient books by hand

After the first day though, he reports to the head priest. He's concerned that all the monks have been copying from copies made from still more copies.

"If someone makes a mistake" he points out "It would be impossible to detect. Even worse, the error would continue to be made"

A bit s...

Today I launched a book aimed at 9-12 year olds...

And I’m proud to say that I managed to hit one of the little brats!

A book fell on my head the other day.

I only have my shelf to blame though.

Im just so overwhelmed with the difficulty of writing my own book

There are no words

Guy gets sent to prison. 1st night, someone yells 39, whole prison laughs. Next night, someone yells 2, prison again erupts in laughter. Guy asks lifer what gives. Lifer explains there’s a joke book, been passed around for years. Dudes memorize # & corresponding joke. Guy gets book & memorizes a few

That night he yells, 24!!! Nothing...

Next night, 9!! Crickets

He asks the lifer the next day what’s happening...

Lifer says: some people just can’t tell jokes

More people would read books if publishers just added the phrase "In My Pants" to the end of every title.

War of the Worlds in My Pants

The Two Towers in My Pants

Great Expectations in My Pants

To Kill a Mockingbird in My Pants

Rising Strong in My Pants

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

A Church.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog with him.

A guy sits down in a movie theater and notices that the man in front of him has brought his dog and it's sitting in the seat next to him.

He thinks it's unusual, but he likes dogs so he decides that as long as it's not a distraction he won't mention it.

The movie starts and pretty soo...

My Friend: How did you get hit on the head by a book?

Me: I only have myshelf to blame

Book titles and authors: Don’t fall off the cliff

By Ilene Dover

A woman is reading a book in bed when her husband enters with a sheep under his arm

The husband holds the sheep up to the woman and exclaims: "This is the pig I'm cheating on you with."

The woman, confused by the notion, replies: "But... that's a sheep."

To which the husband shakes his head and says: "I wasn't talking to you."

The saying “never lend your books, you’ll never get them back” is true

I know this because my library is full of books that other folks have lent me

I bought a book about the dangers of deforestation.

The first page says, “You’re not helping!”

Why are math books always so stressed?

They have a limitless amount of problems that need to be solved.

What did they rename the Norse god of lightning after he turned into gold and began writing books?

Author

I asked the librarian where the books on paranoia were?

"They're right behind you," she replied.

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Confucius say, man who fall over book case...

...gets the sore arse.

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A group of kindergarteners were trying to become accustomed to the first grade.

The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on no baby talk.

“You need to use ‘big people’ words,” she’d always remind them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend.

“I went to visit my Nana.”

“No, you went to visit your Grandmother. Use big people word...

What’s a Mexican drinking worm’s favorite book?

Tequila Mockingbird

My life is like a choose your own adventure book

its just that every option is a bad one and the pages aren't numbered

i made a book about disabled people going on a journey

i called it veggietales

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[NSFW] I went to the library and asked the librarian if they had the new book about small penises.

She said “I don’t think it’s in yet.”

I replied “Yeah, that’s the one.”

I was at the library the other day when I found a book called "The Power of Positive Thinking."

I thought "What good could that do?" so I put it back.

A friend recommended I read the book Bartleby the Scrivener

I would prefer not to.

I Just read a book on Stockholm syndrome

I didn't like it at first, but towards the end I loved it

Son: why did you cut that book in half?

The dad was like: “long story short”

KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old jewish man reading a book...

"What are you reading, old man?" he asks.

"I'm learning hebrew, comrade." replies the old jew.

KGB agent doesn't understand: "What are you learning hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one."

"I'm learning hebrew...

What is the thickest book in the world?

A Belgium joke book, it contains one joke, the rest is explanation.

Why is the math book always sad?

Cuz its filled with problems.

My life is like a book.

Like a big book. A book in Greek.

I do not understand any Greek.

I will sleep a little bit more....

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

My dad threw every social studies book away except one

It was history...

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How can you tell the difference between a Protestant and a Catholic? Ask them to name the books of the bible.

If you listen carefully, you'll notice that the protestant answer excludes the duetrocanonical texts, such as Tobit and Judith, while the catholic answer will be "How the fuck should I know? There's like 50 of them. Piss off."

Who was the dad’s favorite comic book hero?

The Pun-isher.

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I heard about a new genre of book that gives tips on how to please a woman.

However, I couldn't find the cliterature.

When I read a comic book I tear the last page off

I like to draw my own conclusions

In the midst of the pandemic, passengers flying with United Airlines are shocked to see that the middle seats on their flights are booked.

Meanwhile, passengers flying with Frontier Airlines are shocked to see that any seats on their flights are booked.

Why did the psychic enjoy reading their book in the snow?

To improve their cold reading.

My buddy Frank is a HUGE fan of diarrhea. I was thinking of writing a book about him, but it looks like the title is already taken.

"The Diary of Anne Frank"

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I didn't like the book "It" from Stephen King.

There were to many fucking kids in it.

What’s the oldest joke in the book?

The one on the first page.

Due to the quarantine I have finished 3 books.

Yes, I know, that’s a LOT of coloring.

A friend told me that he started but couldn't complete a book called "the subtle art of not giving a f**k"

I replied - "but I think you got the point regardless!"

My co-worker was reading a book on her tea break.

I asked her what it was and she said "It's *The Exorcist*. It's the most evil book I've ever read, it's really getting to me."

At the start of her lunch break she said "Right, I'm getting rid of this horrible thing!". I watched out of the window as she walked by the river and threw the book i...

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I wrote down on a piece of paper several books I wanted to read about substances that speed up chemical reactions, and told my kitten to go out and get them for me.



I gave my catalyst.

I accidentally sent everyone in my address book a nude photo of myself

Not only was it embarrassing but it cost me a fortune in stamps

How do you borrow a book in Prague?

You Czech it out

Why don't libraries offer books on suicide?

Because they're never returned

Hey dad, wanna see my new book?

Yeah son, so long as it's not the novel coronavirus.

Just finished a great book about a transvestite who has a speech impediment.

The title is "Man or Myth."

Two spies got caught using a book code to communicate

Clearly they weren't on the same page.

Saw a book on how to resolve 50% of your problems

I bought two

The other day in a book store I saw one that was called “How to live with 5$”

It costed 8.50$

After I ran out of toilet paper, a friend suggested using pages from an old book

That worked OK I guess, but now I'm looking for suggestions to clean a Kindle.

I found that the first four books of the Harry Potter series to be light hearted.

The fifth one ——dead Sirius.

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

My Favorite Dr. Seuss Book:

One Wife, Two Wife, Dead Wife, New Wife

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three third graders, a Jewish kid, an Italian kid and a Hillbilly kid are on the playground at recess.

The Jewish kid suggests that they play a new game "Lets see who has the largest penis," he says. "Okay." They all agree. The Jewish kid pulls down his zipper and whips it out. "That's nothing," says the Italian kid. He whips his out. His is a couple of inches longer. Now not to be outdone, the Hillb...

I started writing a book about punctuation,

but what's the point?

A good book is a lot like a cute puppy.

Easy to pick up, hard to put down.

Breaking news: Sean Connery had a bunch of books fall on him.

When asked what happened, he said, "I'm ok, I only have my shelf to blame."

I went to the bookstore the other day and asked the lady at the front if she had any books on turtles

She was like "hardback?"
And I'm like "yeah and little heads"

Did you know my pp used to be in the Guinness book of world records?

Well it was, until I got kicked out of the library

Teaching the farm animals to read was going well until the chickens read a book on democracy

Then they staged a Coop d'etat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Jewish boy loved reading books

After he read each book in his house he started going to the local library. He went there every day until he has read every book.
One day he visited a nearby book store and asked the owner if they had any books he hadn't read before.
The old owner picked up a book named "Death" from underneath...

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

I have a book on how to keep things organised in your home

Unfortunately I don't know where I stored it

My buddies and I were playing poker with children’s story books and I got a good hand.

Read em and sleep boys

So, I'm reading this book written in Braille...

I just know something terrible’s about to happen... I can feel it.

I came home and found my books all over the floor

There's nobody to blame but my shelf.

A book of dad jokes saved my marriage.

Was finally able to make my wife moan.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A married couple were lying in bed one night. The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he would pause and reached over to his wife and fondle her pussy. He would do this only for a very short while. Then he would stop, and resume reading his book. A few minutes later, he would repeat the action.

The wife gradually became aroused with this. Thinking that her h...

Chicken walking down the road with a book under her wing

Walks past a frog saying: “Book, book, book, book, book”

Frog responds: “Reddit”

I honestly believe there is nothing like going to bed with a good book...

Or a friend who's read one.

have you read the book "A long way from the bathroom"

By Willie Maykit

Co-authored by Betty Wont

Illustrated by Andy Didnt

My wife accused me of being unsympathetic and not listening, so I bought her a GI Joe coloring book.

Now she'll always have a soldier to crayon.

My book is coming out soon

But don't worry, it's my fault, I shouldn't have eaten it.

Have you read the book Fifty Yards to the Outhouse by...

Willie Makit,published by Betty Don't,and illustrated by Doris Lock?

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology

Don't read it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I have the sex appeal of a math book.

Ive never seen anyone open a math book and didn't say "fuck me".

I went to Borders and asked the blonde for a book about turtles

She said 'hardback?'

So I replied, 'yeah, with 4 legs and little heads'

If you ever publish a book, make sure it's a hard cover.

Otherwise, it will be tearable.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little girl was visiting her grandfather and asked him to read her a book, as she was bored

“Alright I suppose I will....”, gave in her grandfather, “...but you are going to have to get me my glasses”, he said.

The girl replied, “why do you need glasses?”

“Well, since I’m getting old, I can’t see very well without them!”, he exclaimed.

The girl took the grandfather out...

There have been countless people criticizing Donald Trump for his delayed reaction to the Novel Coronavirus

Probably could have gotten things going a lot quicker with a picturebook Coronavirus

A woman was walking along the cliff side enjoying a good book...

Just as she's about to reach the ending, a gust of wind blows the book out of her hands, down to the crashing waves beneath. Desperate to finish, she leaps after it, falling to her death.


Moral of the story: Don't jump to conclusions

My girlfriend spends all my money on Harry Potter books and merchandize

How do i tell her it's not hermoine

Hi, I would like to book a doctors appointment please....

Receptionist: Sure thing, How about 11 tomorrow?

Man: No thanks, just one will be fine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I recently read a book about someone driving down a shitty road

Had a lot of plot holes

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

A man goes to a doctor

A man goes to a doctor and says, "Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something's wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you'll hear it!"

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man's thigh only to hear, "Gimme 20 bucks, I really need 20 bucks."

"I've never seen or heard anything like t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just finished reading a book entitled improve your constructive criticism

It was absolute shit

I just made a book out of duct tape!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it

What is #2’s favorite book to read?

The diarrhea of Anne Frank

Why do people support book burnings?

They think lit lit is lit.

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