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A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian said: "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

I asked the librarian for a book on Pavlov's dog and Schrodinger's cat.

She said it rang a bell but didn't know if it was there or not.

A man died when a pile of books fell on him

He only had his shelf to blame

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book im writing.

It's really gonna spice up the autobiography.

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My penis was in the Guinness book of world records

Then the librarian told me to take it out.

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the 'supreme reader'.

Just read a book about Stockholm syndrome

It started off badly, but by the end I really liked it.

What's a Mexicans favorite book?

Tequila mocking bird

I’m reading a book that compares the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out, there is a lot of cross referencing.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

Boomers: kids these days don't know what books are.

**Gen Z:** We're literally using the same textbooks you had. My math book references West Germany.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure," I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady," I thought, while happily munch...

A Person walks into a bookstore and says "Can I have a book by Shakespeare?" The bookkeeper replies, "Of Course sir, which one?"

William.

So I thought about writing a book about a good zombie that comes back from the dead. Turns out it’s already a thing.

It’s called the Bible.

Can anyone recommend me a book that made you cry?

\- Problems in General Physics. I read that in high school, and it still gives me the creeps.

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why?

My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.

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Me: Do you have that new book about living with a small penis?

Librarian: I’m sorry, I don’t think it’s in yet.

Me: Yeah, that’s the one.

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

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A man sees a friend reading a book

Man: Hey Carl whatchu reading there

Carl: Sherlock holmes, he's a detective who uses logical deduction to solve crimes.

Carl sees the confusion on his friends face and explains.

Carl: Do you have any pets?

Man: yea, I have two goldfish

Carl: From there I deduce tha...

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

I read this book called the anticlimax...

It starts off good...

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology

DON'T READ IT !

Finally got round to booking my laser eye surgery for the 1st January

Can't wait to have 2020 vision.

I lost an eye as a child when a large book fell from a shelf onto my face as I slept.

I hold no remorse though. Ironically the book that blinded me taught me the very path to justice that soothed my anger.

Good old bble.

A woman walks into a library and asks where books about paranoia are.

The librarian says "They're right behind you!"

In the Harry Potter books, Sirius Black is in his early 30's,

... but in the movies, he look like an Oldman.

I was on the phone with a United rep booking my flight.

They asked, "Window or aisle?"

After a moment, I replied, "Or you'll what?"

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

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I asked my daughter for the phone book

She called me old-fashioned, a dinosaur, etc. and handed me her phone.



So now the phone’s broken, the spider’s dead and my daughter’s pissed.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

I accidentally booked myself onto an escapology course...

I'm really struggling to get out of it

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity

It's impossible to put down

Me and my dad read a book to understand each other better.

but we were never on the same page

Books I’d recommend

‘Excel in Maths’ by Cal Q. Luss

’Marine Giants’ by Meg LeDonne

‘DIY Automotive Repair’ by Carly King

‘Orchestral Percussion’ by Tim Penny

‘I Got Away With a Minor Crime’ by Jay Walker

‘Nordic Vodka’ by Finn Landia

I bought my girlfriend a book called 'Cheap and Easy Vegan Cooking'.

It's ideal for her because not only is she vegan...

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A vicar books into a hotel and says to the hotel clerk "I hope the porn channel is my room is disabled?"

She says "No sir, it's just regular porn. You sick bastard."

As I walked into my library, a book fell on my head.

I only blame my shelf.

There is a new book required for Swat Teams to read

Its called "How to quickly open doors" by Bree Ching

I'm reading a book about metal fasteners.

Riveting stuff.

Why can't Donald Trump finish a book?

He can never make it past Chapter 11.

I wondered why all the books about vampires were set in Europe or America but never Africa.

Then I remembered vampires are killed by holy water and they bless the rains down in Africa.

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

What did the math book say to the English book?

I’m jealous, your so full of stories and I’m just full of problems

I just signed up to a movie-to-book club. I think they're clowning around, but they told me the new guy always has to-

read It and weep.

I went to the bookstore and found a book entitled “How to solve 50% of your problems”

So I bought two.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

Why was the math book so sad?

It had a lot of problems.

When i was growing up, we weren't allowed to read the book "Ivanhoe" in catholic schools

Apparently there was too much saxon violence

I went to the library and they wouldn't let me check out a book because they thought I would bend the spine.

I should have never told them I had scoliosis

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I read a book about the digestive system.

The ending was shit.

Every book is a coloring book if you hate librarians.

Credit: Mitch Hedberg (R.I.P)

My friend finally asked what book I’m reading

Well it’s about time

Everytime you think you've mentioned a book or article that nobody on this website have heard about...

It turns out that they've already Reddit.

A man walks through his local mall and sees a Mexican book store

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.

Baste on a true story.

The Pope dies and arrives in Heaven

St. Peter awaits him. St. Peter asks who he is.

The Pope: "I am the pope."

St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."

The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."

St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."

The Pope: "But I am t...

I bought a book about photons the other day

It was for a bit of light reading

I bought a book about tiny doorways

I couldn’t get into it.

I inherited a bunch of comic books from my brother, but all of them had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

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My butt hair is so long, it made it to the Guinness Book of Records.

Not for long though. They threw me out of the library pretty quickly.

I just read my first cooking book!

It's about thyme.

What’s it called when multiple bookshelves of books falls on you?

A title wave

What did the boy say after finding a book of maps?

'Yes! Atlas!'

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A man walks into the library looking for a book...

After looking around, he walks up to the front desk and asks"Hey, I am looking for a book about micropenises but can't seem to find it."The librarian responds"I am sorry, I don't think it's in yet""That's the one!"

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A crowded United Airlines flight was cancelled. A single agent was re booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said “I have to be on this flight and it has to be first class.”

The agent replied, “I am sorry, sir. I’ll be happy to try to help you, but I’ve got to help these folks first, and I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out.”

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, “Do you have any idea who I am?”

Without hesitating, the agent smiled and gr...

A math teacher went to a kids birthday party and gave him a math book

The kid was eager to open the present, so he opened it in front of his teacher, when he opened the present the kid looked confused and asked “why did you give me a math book?” The teacher answered “It’s the thought that counts”

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Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

What is the best thing to do if you buy books on immigration but don't enjoy reading them?

You send them back.

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"Do you have a book on small penis"



Librarian: "It's hard to find"

"Yes, that's the one"

What do you get when you cross Mexico with an anti-racism book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

I just purchased a cook book, not available on Amazon

It teaches how to cook books.

Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.

I shouldn't have eaten it really.

A politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

"So, you're a politician..." "Well, yes, is that a problem?" "Oh no, no problem. But we've recently adopted a new system for people in your line of work, and ...

The worst part of buying a feng shui book...

is trying to figure out where to put it.

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

What is a praying mantis's favourite book?

Pray, Love, Eat.

If you added a single F-word to a Jeeves book

Would that make it PG-13 Wodehouse?

I just finished a book on how WD-40 came about.

It’s non friction.

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

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A man walks into a bookstore and asks "Hi, have you got that new book about tiny penises?"

The lady behind the counter says "I don't think it's in yet"

The man says "yep, that's the one".

To make extra cash, my professor forces all his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

A Book Never Written

Do These Pickles Smell Funny?

By: Fardhina Jarr

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

Why did the two book lovers break up?

They weren't quite on the same page.

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

New book out. It's called"Nude Beach" by

Sandy R. S. Hole

I’m reading this hot new book on the power of super glue.

I just can’t make myself put it away now, I'm too stuck on it.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Unless it’s a spy book, then it better have a good one.

I'm writing a book on Impostor Syndrome!

Actually, wait a minute. Whatever made me think *I* was qualified to do that?

\*trudges off disconsolately\*

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Good dick... Or a good book?

Depends on which is longer.

My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

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I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

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