What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I decided to kill off a few characters in the book I'm writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography a little.

why don’t libraries have books about suicide?

They don’t get returned.

A lady walks into the library, asking for books on paranoia

The librarian whispers, "*they're right behind you*".

I just finished writing a book on cats

It would have been a lot easier if I had written it on paper though

Don’t judge a book by its cover. Why?

My maths textbook had a picture of someone having fun on the front.

Went to the library and asked for a book on Pavlov’s dog and Schrodinger’s cat.

The librarian said it rang a bell but she didn’t know if it was there or not.

A man and his wife are sitting in the livingroom one evening. He was tapping away on his phone while she was curled up reading a book when suddenly they heard her phone ping from the kitchen.

She went to the kitchen to read the text message from her husband "Could you bring me a beer from the fridge while you're there?"

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I read a book about the digestive system.

The ending was shit.

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My dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records...

...until the librarian kicked me out.

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A man went to the local library and asked the librarian for a book on how to commit suicide.

The librarian told him to fuck off because he won’t bring it back.

I went to the bookstore and found a book entitled “How to solve 50% of your problems”

So I bought two.

What’s it called when multiple bookshelves of books falls on you?

A title wave

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I'm writing a book, but I think it's gay.

It's coming out soon.

I asked the librarian if she had any books on paranoia

she leaned in close and whispered ‘they’re behind you’

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

A man died today when a pile of books fell on him.

He only had his shelf to blame.

I bought a book about photons the other day

It was for a bit of light reading

I bought a book about tiny doorways

I couldn’t get into it.

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Someone wrote a book on clock fetishes.

It's about fucking time.

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

This was in a children’s animal joke book in my school library

“Why did the bird fall out of the tree?”
“Because it’s dead”

It's ok to turn one good book into three bad movies every once in a while...

Just don't make a Hobbit of it.

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

I read a book about gravity...

It really brought me down.

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Trump is nothing like Hitler

There’s no way he could write a book.

What do you get when you cross Mexico with an anti-racism book?

Tequila Mockingbird.

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"Do you have a book on small penis"



Librarian: "It's hard to find"

"Yes, that's the one"

The worst part of buying a feng shui book...

is trying to figure out where to put it.

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I’ve started calling the book sack I carry for work my professional colostomy bag...

...I can’t go anywhere without this shit.

Did you hear that the director to Pulp Fiction is making a movie based off of a Belgian comic book where the main character gets deathly ill with an incredibly infectious disease and therefore has to cut off all contact with the outside world?

It's "Quentin Tarantino's *Tintin's Quarantino*".

What is a praying mantis's favourite book?

Pray, Love, Eat.

If you added a single F-word to a Jeeves book

Would that make it PG-13 Wodehouse?

A Book Never Written

Do These Pickles Smell Funny?

By: Fardhina Jarr

Has anyone ever read the book "My Overactive Bladder"?

It was written by I.P. Offton

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

I just finished a book on how WD-40 came about.

It’s non friction.

All the comic books I inherited from my brother had the last page missing.

I had to draw my own conclusions.

I’m reading a book about anti gravity

It’s impossible to put it down

I have written a book about the benefits of suicide.

No reviews yet.

Hopefully, I've got a book coming out soon.

I shouldn't have eaten it really.

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A Man walks into a Mexican book store

A man walks into a Mexican book store

The Mexican owner asks " Is there anything I can help you find?

The man says " do you have the new book by Donald Trump?"

The owner says " Fuck off. Get out and stay out!!"

The man says " yes, that's the book I need"

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

New book out. It's called"Nude Beach" by

Sandy R. S. Hole

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Unless it’s a spy book, then it better have a good one.

To make extra cash, my professor forces all his students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.

It’s textbook Economics.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

I can't put it down.

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I've written a book about a young girl

who takes drugs and encounters all kinds of strange creatures talking in almost incomprehensible dialect. It ends up with her getting pregnant and becoming a single mother, living on a shitty estate and surviving off benefits.

It's called "Alice in Sunderland".

My wife: Why don’t you write a book instead of your stupid word play jokes?

Me: That’s .....a novel idea.

I went to the library and asked for Trump's book about deporting illegal immigrants. She told me, "Get the F*ck out of my country and don't come back."

Me: Yes that's the one.

Sean Connery was arranging the books in his personal library when the wooden plank gave away and all the books fell on him..

His maid rushed to the scene and asked " are you alright, sir ?"

Sean : "it'sh ok..I only have my shelf to blame ."

I'm writing a book on Impostor Syndrome!

Actually, wait a minute. Whatever made me think *I* was qualified to do that?

\*trudges off disconsolately\*

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A man walks into a bookstore and asks "Hi, have you got that new book about tiny penises?"

The lady behind the counter says "I don't think it's in yet"

The man says "yep, that's the one".

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

Two guys are talking when one says, “Hey I finally finished that book I was writing about the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole.”

And the other guy says to him, “It’s about time.”

What kind of book authors should never kill off any of their characters for drama?

Biographers.

Why did the two book lovers break up?

They weren't quite on the same page.

I'm a big fan of Karl Marx's books, and if that makes me a communist;

Then So vie It

What do you get from the Book of Scientology?

False Profit

One day, I decided to visit my local comic book store...

It ended up having issues.

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Good dick... Or a good book?

Depends on which is longer.

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So Hitler wrote a book about his favorite piece of furniture

Mine kampfy couch

Hey girl, are you a book?

Because you’re pretty useless to me.

Original joke from r/antijokes bu u/BedsheetCover

Which Harry Potter book is the darkest?

Order of the Phoenix, because that’s when it starts getting Dead Sirius.

I'm writing a book called "Fair In Height, For 5'1""

It's about a short guy that gets too heated at a bagel store.

I wrote a book about Nemo and his rage towards plastic. In the end he dies

The books called Nemo 3: The last straw

What did the frog say when he returned the book to the library?

Reddit

What do you call a book that was thrown on the floor?

Litter-ature

I read a suspenseful book about suicide

It really left you hanging

Finally got my book on wrist watches.

It's about time.

Did you read the book about the man made of uranium?

In the end, they reveal it was U all along!

I thought my son was spending way too much time playing computer games, so I stopped him and said, "Son, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was studying books by the light of the fireplace."

He considered that for a moment before replying, "Yeah, well, when Abe Lincoln was your age, he was The President of the United States."

I told my teenage niece to go get me a phone book...

She laughed at me, and said

"Oh uncle you're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

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I wedged a philosophy book between my butt cheeks

Now I have a wisecrack in any situation

I just bought a book about combatting stress-eating.

It was delicious.

What happens when you cross alcoholism and books of literary merit?

Tequila Mockingbird

Back in my day, I could go to the store with a dollar and come back with a bag of chips and a comic book.

Now, they've got cameras

"Today I'm planning to read a book on how to avoid information overload"

"But before I start reading, I need to catch up on my latest tv shows, games, news and reddit, and-"

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store.

He decides to go in because he has never seen a Mexican book store before. He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "F*ck you, get out, stay out!" The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

Why don't people sympathize when your books fall onto the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame.

I was reading this thriller book the other day in Braille

Must admit... I didn't see that coming

I wrote a book on reverse psychology.

Don't buy it!

What was the title of the book written by the lobotomist?

Veggie tales

I asked the librarian if she had any books on turtles..

"Hard back?" she inquired..

"Yes..." I replied. "And little heads"

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die.

It is not economically friendly to throw joke books in the trash.

You should always recycle them.

Plot devices have Mary Sues, comic books have Gary Stus...

Hollywood has Terry Crews.

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likable.

It was an autobiography...

After years of waiting, they finally published a book on how clocks work.

It's about time.

What do you call a book club that's has been stuck on one book for years?

The church!

I'm thinking about writing a book about light bulbs.

I think it's a pretty bright idea

So, after reading a bunch of “self-help” books, I’ve FINALLY found the secret to financial success!!

I think I’m going to write a self-help book!

I recently read Donald Trump’s book...

Unfortunately, I didn’t get past Chapter 11.

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3 little people were gathered around a Guinness World Record book, and they all wanted in.

The first looked at his hands and said "I have small hands! I bet I can get in with these guys!"

The second looked at her feet saying "hey, I have small feet! I bet I can get in for the smallest feet!"

The third looked at (you probably guessed it) his penis, saying "okay... I'm a shoe-...

Why are some books so pretentious

Because they all feel entitled

Last night, I had a dream that I wrote the Lord of the Rings books.

My wife said I was Tolkien in my sleep.

Did you hear about the guy who stole $10,000 worth of textbooks from the University book store?

They made him return both of them.

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I accidentally sent a dick pick to my entire address book

not only was it embarrassing, but the stamps were damn expensive.

My friend has been up in court for defacing library books

He was discovered tippexing all the full stops out, the judge said he should expect a long sentence.

A frog reads a book

A man goes to the library and sees a frog there, who takes out 10 books.

The next day, the man goes back to the library and sees the frog return the ten books, and check out another 16 books! The man is very curious to how the frog reads these books so quickly so he decides to follow him home...

I phoned up my local yoga centre to book a lesson. They said, “how flexible are you?”

I said, “I can’t make Thursdays.”

After years of research and exploration, an Archaeologist discovered an ancient book...

The book was said to answer any question asked of it. Being a professional, the archaeologist took the book back to his prestigious university, which was home to several leaders of certain fields. To research the book's power in a controlled manner, the archaeologist rounds up three of the universit...

A chicken walks into a library

A chicken walks into a library, turns to the librarian.
The librarian asks the chicken 'what can I do for you?'
Chicken replies with 'booook.'
The librarian gives the chicken a book and it walks away and leaves the library. The chicken comes back 5 minutes later with the book and gives it...

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