UPJOKE
authortextnovelbiblefictionpaperbackpaperliteratureencyclopediaparchmentmagazinetextbookhardcovervolumeledger

Book Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is walking through his local mall and notices a Mexican book store. He decides to go in, because he has never seen one before.

He browses through the store and finally asks the clerk, "Do you have the book on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The clerk replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one."

I asked a librarian if she had a book about Pavlov's Dog and Schrodinger's Cat

She said it rang a bell but wasn't sure if it was there or not.

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

Years ago, my Mother-in-law began reading, "The Exorcist". She said it was the most evil book she ever read. So evil in fact, she couldn't finish it, took it to the ocean and threw it off the pier.

I went out, but another copy, ran it under the faucet, and left it beside her bed.

A soviet joke about censorship that I found in my school book

An American tells a Russian that people in USA have the freedom of speech and that he even could go to the White House and shout:"Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

The russian answers:"Oh, we also have freedom of speech. I, too, can go to Kremlin and shout:" Go to hell, Ronald Reagan!"

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

A chicken goes into the library, walks up to the librarian, and says, “Book.”

The librarian says, “You want a book?”

“Book.”

“Any book?”

“Book.”

So the librarian gives the chicken a novel and off it goes. An hour later the chicken comes back and says, “Bookbook.”

The librarian says, “Now you want two books?”

“Book-book.”

So she...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I accidentally sent a dick pic to everyone in my address book.

Not only was it embarrassing, but it also cost me a fortune in stamps.

So I was sitting on the bus just reading a book when somebody tapped me on the shoulder.

I turned around and saw an old lady. She said to me, "Sonny, would you like some nuts? I've got a couple hazelnuts and almonds if you'd like."

"Sure.", I replied. Then she gave me a handful of nuts and went back to sit with her friends.

"What a nice lady", I thought, while happ...

My parents read the book I was writing. They said the main character wasn't likeable.

It was an autobiography...

I just finished writing my book on penguins.

My publisher said it would've been better if I'd written it on paper.

I was reading a book when my 5yo cousin asked "why is that book so thick?"

Then i told him "its a long story"

A KGB agent goes to a library and sees an old Jewish man reading a book.

“What are you reading, old man?” he asks.

“I’m learning Hebrew, comrade,” replies the old Jew.

The KGB agent asks, “What are you learning Hebrew for? You know it takes years to get a permission to travel to Israel? You will die before you get one.”

“I’m learning Hebrew for when ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on the same book for years?

Church

Call me a nutter, a conspiracy theorist or as mad as a hatter, but did you know that if you take the first two letters from the title of every Harry Potter book, it spells out a secret message?!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a library and says to the librarian, "Do you have that book for men with small penises?"

The librarian looks on her computer and says, "I don’t know if it's in yet."

"Yeah, that's the one!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Guy walks into a library and asks the librarian for a book on committing suicide

She responds "fuck off, you won't bring it back"

I decided to kill off some characters in the book I am writing

It would definitely spice up my autobiography.

I'm writing a book on how tornados and hurricanes develop....

At the moment it's just a draft.

I just finished the book “101 mating positions”, and I was really disappointed.

Turns out—-it’s a book about chess.

A girl came into my bookstore and asked "What are the chances you have a book on curing eating disorders with religion?"

Slim to Nun?

I'm writing a book called 'Stop Overreacting.'

If no one buys it I'm going to kill myself.

"I've a downloaded copy of Prince Harry's book 'Spare'. Do you wish to read it?"

"Is it a pdf file?"



"Nope, thats his uncle. A totally different Prince"

They say Kim Jong Un has read every single book

That must be why everyone calls him the supreme reader

A man walks into a library, goes to the librarian, and says "I'm looking for a book called 'Pavlov's Dog and Schrödinger's Cat".

The librarian says "That rings a bell, but I'm not sure if it's there or not".

I bought a book titled “How to Solve Half Your Problems.”

I read it twice, now I’m problem free.

Another joke from a really old book, updated somewhat...

A college girl really wants to buy a monkey, but she knows her dad will not send the money for such a pet. So she emails her dad and asks for money to buy a bicycle.

He sends the money, and she buys the cute little monkey. After about a week, she notices that clumps of hair are falling out of...

I wrote a book about falling down the stairs

It’s a step-by-step guide

I’m reading a book on Stockholm Syndrome

I didn’t like it at first, but it’s growing on me.

These exchanges were recorded verbatim by court reporters and published in the book, "Disorder in the American Courts".

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget..

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

WITNESS: How would I know?
___...

There was this guy who found an ancient book. In that book he read that dolphins live forever if you feed them the meat of an eagle.

Some time later he came across a very sick eagle and thought: It's gonna die soon anyway, might as well take it to the dolphins at the local zoo to see if what's in the book is actually true. At night he climbed over a wall to get into the zoo – and found himself right in the lion enclosure! He mana...

Found in my Physics text book.

A man lives in a foreign country, and his job is to operate the train that connects one town to another. He is not very good at his job, and he is also very greedy. Since his income does not meet his expenses, he decides to steal from his passengers' fares. At first he steals only a little. However,...

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, I mean, Its hard, and I got a lot to do...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

I asked my kid for a phone book. They rolled their eyes and said "OK boomer, we don't use those anymore" and handed me their phone.

Now their phone is smashed and they are furious, but I got that spider!

A chicken goes into a library. He stands at the librarians desk and says, "Buk", so she gives him a book. A couple minutes later the chicken returns. "Buk", he says, and she hands him another book. This goes on and on.

Finally it is the librarian's break time. She goes out back to get some fresh air by the pond. That is when she sees the chicken and a frog on a lilypad. "Buk" says the chicken as he tosses a book to the frog. "Reddit" replies the frog...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Joke from a Ford automobile joke book published by the Standard Thermometer Company sometime in the 1920s

Boob: They tell me that all Ford cars will be painted red next year.
Simp: How's that?
Boob: The State laws insist that any tin can made to carry gasoline must be painted red.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

A court joke from a joke book published in 1904:

Judge—' 'What's the charge agin' this man?"
Officer— "Stealing nine bottles of beer, your honor."
Judge—' 'Discharged. I can't make a case out of nine bottles."

Don't judge a book by it's cover.

A teenager brings her new boyfriend home to meet her parents. They’re appalled by his haircut, his tattoos and his piercings.

Later, the girl’s mom says, “Dear, he doesn’t seem to be a very nice boy.”

“Oh, please, Mom!” says the daughter. “If he wasn’t nice, would he be doi...

A book fell on my head today

I only have my shelf to blame

I have two copies of the book “The Myth of Sisyphus.”

That way, once I finish one, I can just start the other.

A man walked into a bookshop and said: I'd like to buy a book by Shakespeare

'Of course' replied the sales assistant 'Any particular one?'

'William, of course' replies the man.

I've been reading a book on euthanasia...

It's so good I can't put it down.

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome, but I managed to finish it.

I probably should have taken some advice from friends and family which would have made this process much easier and write it on paper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A deeply religious man is trying to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled. To which she replies, "No. We just have regular pornography, you sick fuck."

What do you call a book club that's been stuck on one book for years?

Church

I'm writing a book on reverse psychology.

Please don't read it.

I’m writing a new book.

It’s called *“How to be concise and get straight the point using the minimum of dimunitive words necessary to convey your meaning as clearly as possible without overly long descriptions and explanations”*

A POLICEMAN pulls over a speeding car and takes out his little book.

The driver lowers her window.

Policeman: “Name, please?”

Woman: “Freda.”

Policeman: “Surname?”

Woman: “Gonow.”

Policeman: “So you are Freda Gonow.”

Woman: “Thanks very much”, and she takes off!

The following is a joke from 'Harry Hills Whopping Great Joke Book' and I really don't get it. Could anyone enlighten me?

My wife is a stickler for tidiness. I just bought her a cuckoo clock and she's started putting paper under it.

I have just written a book on how to fall down a staircase.

It's a step by step guide.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Damn girl are you a math book?

Because you have a lot of fucking problems I don't want to deal with.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the librarian if she had the new book about short penises....

She said, "It's not in yet".
I replied, "YES, That's The Book!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you have the time, here is Norm Macdonald's moth joke as presented in his book, "Based on a True Story".

A moth goes into a podiatrist's office, the podiatrist says. What's the problem?

The moth says, where do I begin with my problems? Every day I go to work for Gregory Vasilovich, and all day long I toil. But what is my work? I am a bureaucrat, and so every day I joylessly move papers from one ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I bought my wife a dildo and a book for her birthday..

If she doesn't like the book she can go fuck herself.

I am writing a book about the things I should be doing in life.

It’s an oughttobiography.

Someone stole my book bag today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

I asked my wife to go get me a phone book.

She laughed at me, and said "You're so old. Just use my phone."

So I slammed her phone against the wall to kill a spider.

The Chinese President has decided to make a red book of quotes, like Mao Zedong did.

He's calling it "That's what Xi said"

What does the MacBook have in common with Donald Trump?

I would tell you....


But I don't compare apples to oranges.

I just read a book about Stockholm Syndrome.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end, I liked it.

I'm reading a horror book written in braille.

Something bad is going to happen. I can feel it.

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked the person at the bookstore if they have that new book for men who have a very small penis. She said, "I'm not sure if it's in yet".

I said, "Yeah, that's the one."

A blonde came up to the librarian and yelled, "This book sucks! There's way too many characters and the story makes no sense!"

The librarian said, "So you're the one who took our phone book."

What’s an Indian person’s favorite type of book?

Naan-fiction.

How Does a Book About Tree Lovers Start?

With a Pro-Log.

This book I've been reading about brown bears spends way too long describing them.

It includes all of the grizzly details.

Why are there so many Johnsons in the phone book?

They all have phones!

I once bought a best-selling book on time management.

But I never had time to read it.

Reading a great book at the moment called 'The History of Glue'

I just cant put it down.

I just read a book that compares the different versions of The Bible.

There was a lot of…cross referencing.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man books a Doctor's appointment for his huge penis.

He books the appointment with the doctor and goes into to see him and explains,

"D-d-d-d-docter I have a really bad s-s-s-stutter caused by all the b-b-b-b-blood going to my huge p-p-p-p-penis"

The doctor takes a look and can see that is the case. They come to an agreement that the man...

I ordered a book of jokes online 2 years ago

I finally got it

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

An old man has been standing in line at the pearly gates for so long, when he gets to the front, he can't remember his name for St. Peter to look up in the Big Book...

Peter doesn't know what to do, so he gets Jesus to help him figure it out.

Jesus says "Tell us about your life, maybe that will jog your memory."

The old man says "Well, I only had one child, a son."

Jesus smiles and says "Heh, I was an only child too. Go on."

The man say...

Why was the book freezing cold?

It lost its jacket!

My dad asked me, “Do you know what I love about the book War and Peace?”

Me: Not really.

Dad: Well, it’s a long story.

I just read a book called "how to survive falling down a staircase"

Yeah it's a step by step guide

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Book Report

The world’s cleverest student does the world’s funniest book report:-

Students at a local school were assigned to read 2 books, ‘Titanic’ and ‘My Life’ by Bill Clinton.
One student turned in the following book report, with the proposition that they were nearly identical stories!

*...

What's the difference between a math book and a chemistry book?

One has problems, and the other has solutions.

I went to the bookstore to buy a book about turtles.

I asked for some help to find one at the service desk, and she said "hard back?", and I said "Yes, with little heads."

Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called "Special Military Operation and Peace"

My book on clocks finally arrived.

It's about time.

Recently I read a book called the anticlimax.

The second part was disappointing

New joke from my 3rd grader: How many books can you put in an empty book bag?

Just one: then it’s not empty any more!

Why hasn't Donald Trump ever finished a book?

Because he keeps repeating Chapter 11.

Finally they named the book about the Titan Submarine.

20,000 Leaks Under the Sea

"I'd like this book on revenge please"

Cashier: "You'll pay for that."

I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?

Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.

I wrote a quick preparation recipes book called "wait less meals."

You add two scoops of ice cream and a coke to every meal and it's afloat!

"Do you want to borrow my book of recycled jokes?"

No thanks, I've already Reddit.

What does Senator Lindsey Graham, Upcoming Game of Thrones Book "Dream of Spring" and Video Game Star Citizen have in common?

None of them are ever coming out!





You're welcome

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi everyone, I’m selling my new book on reverse psychology.

It’s fucking terrible.

My life is like an over produced comic book series

It's just one issue after another, and the plot doesn't seem to be going anywhere.

I wrote a book and titled it "Julius, quick grab the girl before she gets away"

My editor decided to shorten it to "Julius Seize her!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Book launch

Yesterday I launched a book aimed at 7 - 12 years Olds.

I can proudly say, I hit one of the little shits.

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

I've memorized every number in the phone book

I just don't know who they belong to.

My neighbour just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man, a Scottish man, and an Irish man all make plans to book into the same hotel but on 3 different nights

When the English man arrives at the hotel, the manager tells him that there is one room available, it already has a female guest, and there's only one double bed, the English man isn't bothered by this and walks up to his room, he opens the door and there's a woman lay on the bed...she opens her leg...

I’m writing a book

On how to increase the military population in our armed forces.

So far, all I’ve got is the draft.

I found a book at the bookstore which said "How to solve 50% of your problems"

So I bought 2

The book 'I, Robot' is about sentient robots, but did you know it has a sequel about sentient submarines?

It's called 'U, boat'

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.