What’s the difference between wrapping paper with tape, and what’s wrapped inside it?

One is some present supplies and the other is a pleasant surprise.

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

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My neighbors made a sex tape the other night.

Of course they don't know that yet.

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Him: We should make a sex tape.

Me: For what? You nut so fast, it'll only be a gif.

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Due to this unfortunate times, me and my wife decided to make a sex tape to raise money

Our neighbour paid a huge money so that we won't release it online...

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"



"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

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John was walking by the old man's house with some duck tape

"Whattaya doin' with that duck tape?" The old man asked.

"Gonna catch me some ducks!" John replied.

The old man was skeptical, but 20 minutes later, John walked by with 5 ducks attached to the tape.

The next day, John walked past the house with some chicken wire.

"Whattay...

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

The Inventor of the Cassette Tape Died This Week...

But his memory will never be erased.

It will get a bit fuzzy over time though.

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NSFF: Secretly taped me and my wife having sex...

It was kinda hot seeing her disappointed face from another angle.

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

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Military is cutting staff (repost most likely)

The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points ...

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Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

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We all remember that famous quote from the Arnold Schwarzenegger sex tape.

"Live with me if you want to come."

Why are so many people interested in scotch tape?

Its fasten-aiding.

Soon after I had taped my friend's wrist watch to the ceiling, he came to ask where he had left it.

I replied with "Time's up."

Why is duct tape similar to The Force?

It has a dark side, a light side, and it binds the galaxy together

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Old man

is sitting on his porch. He see’s a boy called Little Billy walking on his way over a hill with a spool of chickenwire. Walking by his house the old man yells at Little Billy,”Where ya going there with that chickenwire?” Billy replied “ Ima get me some chickens!” Billy walked by and went along over ...

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An old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walking down the street with several rolls of duck tape. The old man says "BOY! WHATCHU DOING WITH ALL THAT DUCK TAPE"

The boy says "well old man I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man says: "Boy you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duck tape!"
The boy keeps walking and says "yeah we will see old man"
Later the boy walks by again with a bundle of ducks wrapped up in the tape and the old man says "B...

I was going through my old CDs and casset tapes.

I was on a journey of self-discography.

What"s the best thing about duct tape?

It makes them go from "NO, NO, NO!" To "Mmmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm" -Super Dave Osborn

What do you call a flex tape malfunction?

A STICKY SITUATION!

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Amazing Apples

A man and his wife are walking through the state fair, when he notices something that clearly has to be a mistake. Taped to a table full of big beautiful apples is a sign that reads, 'Amazing Apples $10 each'. So the man tells the proprietor, "Excuse me sir but I think you made a mistake" pointing ...

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I tried uploading my sex tape to PornHub.

They otld me to try Vine.

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

Underwear is like a cassette tape.

There's Side A & Side B

I think the vaccine is making me magnetic!

When I put a piece of tape on my skin it stuck to me!

Two engineering students were standing at the base of a flagpole looking up

*Two engineering students* were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up.

A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said one, "But we don't have a ladder."

The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox...

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,

"This will come back to bite me."

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The young couple next door have made a sex tape

They don't know it yet but i have nearly finished the editing.

Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

I try my best to not tear others down.

Unless they're taped to a wall. Then I kinda have to.

A high-school girls soccer team hires a new coach, Coach Bill. When Coach Bill is hired the girls are in last place.

Coach Bill starts a whole new regimen for practices, including new workouts, new drills and after 2 weeks of this he introduces a new herbal supplement he asks the girls to start taking daily.

A week later the girls win their first game of the season. Then another one, and another one... In f...

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My dad yelled this to me from the bathroom the other day: “Why does your poop taper?”

“So your asshole doesn’t slam shut.”

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there's a long break in the ledge they can't cross.

"Something for this, I have." Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape. He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda's hovel, t...

What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand?

Confused.

What do you get when you cross scissors and Flex Tape?

Something that’s fun to make, disappointing to watch, and dangerous to keep.

I figured out why Trump's Russian pee tape never surfaced...

It was streaming service only.

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "Hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " I'm going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " You can't catch ducks with that". The boy said "Watch me old man".
...

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

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Genius Kid

An old man is sitting out on his deck one day when he sees a young boy walking down the road with a roll of duct tape under his arm.


"Where are you going?" asks the old man

"To catch some ducks" says the kid

"You can't catch ducks with duct tape" replies the old man.
...

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Charlie was visiting an old friend and his wife for dinner....

When the time came to leave, his car wouldn't start, and it was too late to call the local service station.

The husband urged Charlie to stay over. There was no spare bed in the house; there wasn't even a sofa. So Charlie would have to sleep with the husband and wife. No sooner had the husban...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

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A lot can happen in just 60 seconds

Thats the title of my sextape

I just made a book out of duct tape!

That’s my story, and I’m sticking to it

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

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My wife and I decided to make a sex tape.

If anyone wants to watch it im uploading the full gif later today.

A group of managers were given the assignment to measure the height of a flagpole.

So they go out to the flagpole with ladders and tape measures, and they're falling off the ladders, dropping the tape measures - the whole thing is just a mess.

An engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures...

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Phil Swift doesnt make sex tapes

He makes flex tapes

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

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#173: A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?”

The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!”

The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?”

The little boy just smiles, waves, an...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

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A man notices his wife's butt is getting big

I bet your butt is as big as my grill."

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure,
measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases
her that they're about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. "Not
tonight," says his wife.

He asks ...

Is the Super Bowl on tape delay?

No, it’s LIV.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

I was so sad the other day

I watched my wedding VHS tape backwards and I could see my friends rescuing me out of that church

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If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender “why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling?” The bartender says “well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else’s drinks for the next hour.” The guy p...

Why is packing tape better than regular tape?

Well.. it's unclear

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

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Virgin Learns How to Have Sex - Dime, Dime, Quarter, Dollar...

A young virgin goes to a priest and confess that he's never had sex and is nervous about his wedding night. The priest reassures the man and tells him that he should go home and tape a dime to his left hip and practice moving his body to the side each time saying the word "Dime". So, the young man g...

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

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The nun and the blind man.

A nun is taking a bath and hears a knock on the door. The nun asks, “Who is it?”
A man replies, “It’s the blind man!”
Thinking, oh he’s blind what harm could it do she then responds “Come in.”
A man comes through the door with a utility belt around his waist and tape measure in hand. He loo...

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How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong.

“Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl who I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?"

“Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh.

“Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally built up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed."

“That's great!" sa...

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Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape but she got pissed off

when I started to hold auditions for her part.

How many pain killers does it take to heal a Tape?

5 Per Cassette.

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Three American colonels are in the US about to retire and they are offered an economic compensation...

..which consists of multiplying 100,000 dollars by the distance in inches they have between two parts of their body that they choose.

Colonel McDowell chooses this distance to be from his toe to the edge of his longest hair on his head and the result is 72 inches, so that means he gets $7,20...

I rewinded my wedding tape today

it was wonderful, my wife was taking her ring off, leaving with her family...

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

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I taped cigarettes to my feet

Now I have Camel toes

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My wife and I are a perfect match....I've got a 9-inch penis.....

And she doesn't know which end of the tape measure to hold.

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The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

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German Naval Captain got transferred to a U-Boat

His crew (all English defectors), did not like his German methods of leadership. After a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen barely a minute off, he saw several derogatory posters about him taped around the craft. Calling for his first officer, he sai...

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A few years ago I was on a tourist trip to New York City and got free tickets to attend a taping of "Beat Bobby Flay"

They tape early as hell so I drag my ass out of bed, wake up the kids, get my tickets, am in line with my family, we all have our baseball bats... only to find out it's a damned cooking show.

I was watching the Ted Bundy tapes on Netflix

When he was first arrested, the police departments from the different states got together in a hotel to have a conference and share knowledge with each other.


It was the world’s first Ted Talk.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project.

When NASA was preparing, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the ...

Taped 4 pictures of Matthew Broderick to each of my rims.

Now I have Ferris Wheels.

Netflix tried to get the Jeffrey Dahmer tapes...

...but it was going to cost them an arm *and* a leg.

Duct tape;

turning "no-no-no" into "mm-mm-mm" since 1942.

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I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape....

Twice as strong as duct tape.

I got a job designing tape, but I'm grossly underqualified.

I'm basically just throwing stuff at the wall and seeing what sticks.

What do you call Mick Jagger and Keith Richards both found dead with their eyes taped open in front of the TV?

Killing two Stones with one Birdbox.



*I'll show myself out...*

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How to get rid of a tape worm

This guy went to the doctor and complained of having a tape worm. The doctor said, "I'm going to put you on a strict diet of 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for every meal. Come back in a week."

So that night the guy had 2 hard boiled eggs and a lemon cookie for dinner. The next day for...

Today, I found myself thinking about the one that got away...

Never buy cheap duck tape.

My friend told me he uses off-brand flex tape

Weird flex but ok

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