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Tape Jokes

Cassette tapes have side A and side B…

… so it’s only logical their successor would be the CD.

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The young couple next door to me recently made a sex tape

I mean they do not know it yet.

A blind man walks into a library and asks, "Do you have any books on tape?"

The librarian says, "Yes, yes we do, but it's not a very interesting subject."

Do you know why women can't read a tape measure?

Because they've been told 6" inches is 8" all their lives.

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

Strong tape is integral to a thriving workplace

some say that it is indispensable!

Kid: Waahhh! Dad, my toy is broken! Dad: Nothing that a duct tape can’t fix.

Kid: mmmph.. mmrr...

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PornHub removed my sex tape

They told me to try Vine

I always keep a tape measure in my panic room.

Because desperate times call for desperate measures.

I paid a lot of money expecting to be taped to a wall for at least an hour...

It wasn't until 30 minutes in when I realized those guys ripped me off.

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A little boy walks past an old man sitting on his porch carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man call out to the boy and says, "whatcha doin with that roll of duct tape?"

The little boy says, "I am going to catch me some ducks."

Old man, "you can't catch ducks with duct tape!"

20 minutes later the little boy comes walking buy with a bunch of ducks.

The ne...

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The military is cutting staff and decide to get rid of three generals. One from the Army, the Airforce, and the Marines.

All of them are old, grizzled men who had seen their fair share of war, so the Pentagon comes up with a unique bonus system for their service. They can choose two points of their bodies and for every inch between them they would get 10k.

First up was the Army general. He chose to measure betw...

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Old man Sitting on his front porch. (Long)

One afternoon he see a kid ride past on his bike with a roll of chicken wire. The old guy asks: "Where are you heading with that chicken wire son?"

"I'm gonna catch me some chickens down at the park".

"You don't catch chickens with chicken wire"

The old feller shakes his head ...

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Tip: when making a sex tape, play Disney music in the background.

That way, if it ever gets leaked online, Disney attorneys will have them all taken down.

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I tried to make a sex tape

I came early, so now it's a GIF.

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I finally persuaded my frigid wife to make a sex-tape last month, and now she thinks we could make a living as porn stars.

Although so far, we've had no pre-orders for Disinterested Blowjobs 2.

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Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape...

Old man is sitting on his porch when he sees little johnny walking down the street with a wagon full of tape. He thinks and then screams out, "HEY KID!!! WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT DUCT TAPE?!!!".

Johnny responds back, "I'm going to go catch some ducks"

The man, puzzled says, "You c...

Last night I played a blank tape at full volume.

The mime next door went nuts.

The Inventor of the Cassette Tape Died This Week...

But his memory will never be erased.

It will get a bit fuzzy over time though.

So my neighbor taped some clocks and watches on his belt

Guess you might call that a Waist of Time

I came home from work to see a note from my girlfriend taped to the refrigerator. It said, "You're too literal. This isn't working, so I'm leaving you."

I don't understand. The light came on when I opened the door, and all the food was still cold.

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Due to this unfortunate times, me and my wife decided to make a sex tape to raise money

Our neighbour paid a huge money so that we won't release it online...

"Honey, I bought you a new Weight Loss Tape!"

"How the hell are we gonna play a tape?!"



"No silly, it goes over your mouth"

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John was walking by the old man's house with some duck tape

"Whattaya doin' with that duck tape?" The old man asked.

"Gonna catch me some ducks!" John replied.

The old man was skeptical, but 20 minutes later, John walked by with 5 ducks attached to the tape.

The next day, John walked past the house with some chicken wire.

"Whattay...

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We all remember that famous quote from the Arnold Schwarzenegger sex tape.

"Live with me if you want to come."

So, these two engineers are trying to determine the height of a flagpole...

...A blonde woman wearing a tool belt and hardhat comes walking by, notices the engineers with their problem and goes over to help. She loosens the bolts at the base of the pole, lays it down on its side, then takes her tape measure and runs it down the side of the pole.

"26 feet 6 inches" S...

What's the best thing about a roll of duct tape?

It turns "no no no!" into "Mmm, mmm, mmmm"

Why are so many people interested in scotch tape?

Its fasten-aiding.

Why is duct tape similar to The Force?

It has a dark side, a light side, and it binds the galaxy together

What"s the best thing about duct tape?

It makes them go from "NO, NO, NO!" To "Mmmmmm, Mmmmm, Mmmmm" -Super Dave Osborn

Underwear is like a cassette tape.

There's Side A & Side B

A Pole-ish joke

Two engineers…….

Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said one, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, ...

A man walked into a bar with a sandwich taped to his head

The bartender said, "Why the hell do you have a sandwich taped to your head?"
The man said, "My family always wears a sandwich hat on Wednesdays."
The bartender said, "It's Tuesday."
The man hung his head in shame and said, "Gosh, I must look pretty silly right now, then."

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NSFF: Secretly taped me and my wife having sex...

It was kinda hot seeing her disappointed face from another angle.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods.

An engineer and an anti-vaxxer were walking through the woods when they came upon a bridge across a crocodile infested river.

The anti-vaxxer asked the engineer "What are the odds of us making it across that bridge safely?" The engineer took out his calculator and his tape measure, did a s...

I was going through my old CDs and casset tapes.

I was on a journey of self-discography.

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A young man is walking down the road carrying chicken wire

He passes by this old man’s house and the old man says, “Hey son, what are you doing with that chicken wire?” The young man says, “I’m going to catch me some chickens.” The old man laughs and says, “You can’t catch chickens with chicken wire.” So the young man keeps walking. But sure enough, later t...

So a guy walks into a bar and sees three steaks taped to the ceiling....

He then asks the bartender “why are there three steaks taped to the ceiling?” The bartender says “well you get one shot, if you jump up and touch one of the steaks then you get free drinks for the rest of the day, however if you miss, you must buy everyone else’s drinks for the next hour.” The guy p...

A guy was screaming at the TV “Run idiot, run!”

His wife walked in and asked “Are you watching a horror movie?”. He said “No. It’s our wedding tape”

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Scarlett Johansson and some guy were the only survivors of a shipwreck.

They didn't know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasn't anybody els...

A new leaked government tape shows that a Mars rover saw some sort of feline life form on Mars.

However, before they could get any more info, Curiosity killed the cat.

As I taped a piranha to my boomerang, I thought,

"This will come back to bite me."

Why do guys keep a tape measure under their bed?

To measure how long they sleep!

Yoda and Luke are walking through the swamp. Part of their usual training course involves shimmying along a cliff ledge, but today, there’s a long break in the ledge they can’t cross. “Something for this I have.” Yoda says.

He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.

He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.

When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a ...

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An old man sitting on his porch sees a boy walking down the street with several rolls of duck tape. The old man says "BOY! WHATCHU DOING WITH ALL THAT DUCK TAPE"

The boy says "well old man I'm gonna catch me some ducks."
The old man says: "Boy you ain't gonna catch no ducks with no duck tape!"
The boy keeps walking and says "yeah we will see old man"
Later the boy walks by again with a bundle of ducks wrapped up in the tape and the old man says "B...

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My wife and I decided to make a sex tape.

If anyone wants to watch it im uploading the full gif later today.

What do you get when you cross scissors and Flex Tape?

Something that’s fun to make, disappointing to watch, and dangerous to keep.

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A king suspected that his queen was being unfaithful

So he secretly taped a tiny razor blade to her vagina. Three days later, he ordered his knights to drop their pants. They all had bandaged penises, except for one. The king said to him, "I always knew you were my most loyal knight!"

He replied, "It wath nothing, your magethy"

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

I'm laying in bed reading a book, when my dad walks in with a tape measure...

About five feet away from me he stops and starts pushing the tape out to me.

It gets closer and closer until it eventually pushes against my cheek.

I ask him "What are you doing?"

"I'm measuring your patience."

I bought a new book yesterday. It's the Biography of Jimmy Scotch, the inventor of "Scotch Tape"

Unfortunately I couldn't find the beginning.

The Police put crime tape around the York Peppermint Patty plant

Now it's factory sealed and in mint condition

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[NSFW] [Long] A man is sitting on his front porch when he notices two guys walking down the street holding duct tape.

He calls out to the men, "Hey what are you doing with that duct tape?" They respond, "Catching ducks." The old man rolls his eyes thinking there is no way they will catch anything. Later that afternoon the two men come by again with a couple of ducks.

The next day the old man sees the two guy...

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A couple are about to have sex, when the man reaches for some lube...

Opening a new bottle, he notices the protective tape on the cap has already been torn off, suggesting the bottle may have tampered with.

That's weird, he thinks to himself.

"Do not use if seal is missing" it reads on the bottle.

The man thinks for a second, but not wanting to ru...

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

I figured out why Trump's Russian pee tape never surfaced...

It was streaming service only.

What do you call a man covered in blue paint with a wrench taped to his hand?

Confused.

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#173: A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house carrying a roll of duct tape.

The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?”

The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!”

The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?”

The little boy just smiles, waves, an...

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A man notices his wife’s butt is getting big...

“I bet your butt is as big as my grill.”

His wife rolls her eyes, but he gets a tape measure, measures her bottom, measures the grill, and teases her that they’re about the same size.

That night, he tries to see if he can get lucky. “Not tonight,” says his wife.

He asks her why ...

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An old man was sitting on his front porch watching the sun rise. He sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm

He yells out "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"  Boy yells back "Roll of chicken wire."  Old man says "What you gonna do with that?"  Boy says "Gonna catch some chickens."  Old man yells "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"  Boy just laughs and keeps walking.  That evening at suns...

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A CNN reporter, a BBC reporter, and an Israeli commando are captured by ISIS in Syria.

The leader of the terrorists told them that he would grant them each one last request before they were beheaded.

The CNN Reporter said, "Well, I’m an American, so I’d like one last hamburger with French fries.”

The leader nodded to an underling who left and returned with the burger &am...

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Jeff walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar....

He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "you know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Jeff with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally plucked up the courage to ask her out, and sh...

A roll of duct tape walks into a bar. Bartender, polishing up a glass, asks politely: “What can I get you?”

The duct tape looks around, thinks for a moment and says, “I think I’ll just stick to my usual.”

"What's with that fruit taped to your mouth?" the doctor asked. "Covid-19 prevention," the patient replied.

"You need a bandana, not a banana!"

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The British Army found they had too many officers and decided to offer an early retirement bonus

They promised any officer who volunteered for retirement a bonus of £1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. The officer got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head...

The CEO of a hardware company calls in his top ad man and tells him, "We need a new TV spot for our B&Q Nails line."

A week later, the ad man comes back with a videotape and pops it into the VCR in the CEO's office. The commercial starts and the CEO sees Jesus being nailed to the cross while a voice over says, "B&Q nails: they get the job done." The CEO is irritated and says, "That is completely unacceptable! ...

Two Council workers, Jim and Dave, are staring up at the flagpole outside the council offices

A young lady walks past and is intrigued by them, just standing there, staring.

she walks over to them and says "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice you, staring at the flagpole. Is there anything wrong?"

"The boss told us we got to measure the height of this flagpole," Said Jim. "He...

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(Best read in an Irish accent) So an old man is on his porch..

A young lad is walking up the hill with a roll of chicken wire rolled up under his arm. "What ya doin wi' the chicken wire, laddie?" asks the man. "Oh sir, I'm gonna catch me some chickens!" replies the boy. The man says, "you fool, you don't catch chickens with chicken wire!" An hour later, though,...

Two goats chew on a VHS tape.

The first goat says "*This film is pretty good"* and the other one replies: "*Yeah, it's OK but the book was better."*

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Old man sees a little boy walk by with duct tape in his hand...

An old man sitting on his porch sees a little boy walk by with duct (duck) tape in his hand. He says to the little boy "Where are you going with that duct tape?"
Little boy responds "I'm going to catch me some duck"
Old man says "no no no, that's not how it works"
Later on he sees the littl...

I was watching a horror movie and was screaming at the main character to not go through the door

My wife asks me from the kitchen what movie am I watching.

She wasn't thrilled when I told her it's our wedding tape.

Is the Super Bowl on tape delay?

No, it’s LIV.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

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I heard Bill Cosby made a sex tape....

Twice as strong as duct tape.

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If that Presidential piss tape ever gets released -

It will be the most streaming leaked video of all time!

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

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Me and the wife decided to make our own sex tape but she got pissed off

when I started to hold auditions for her part.

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Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duck tape

Old timer sitting on his porch and saw a kid pass by carrying a duct tape. Old timer asked the kid "hey son what are you going to do with that duct tape?" The boy said " im going to catch some ducks with it". Old timer said " you cant catch ducks with that". The boy said "watch me old man".

L...

Why is packing tape better than regular tape?

Well.. it's unclear

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Phil Swift doesnt make sex tapes

He makes flex tapes

How many pain killers does it take to heal a Tape?

5 Per Cassette.

I rewinded my wedding tape today

it was wonderful, my wife was taking her ring off, leaving with her family...

A strict submarine captain is reassigned to a new submarine...

... after a few days of laying down new rules, enforcing them strictly, and allowing the crewmen nary a minute off, he saw derogatory posters about him taped around the craft.

Calling for his first officer, he said:
"First Officer, I demand that the submarine be scoured, and every one of t...

[NSFW] A mother and father are snooping around in their son's bedroom.

Being a bit nosy, they search around the room to see if their son is hiding anything "naughty." The father checks under the bed and, in shock, sees tons of BDSM and bondage tapes, DVDs, and magazines.
The mother couldn't breathe. It took her a while to say "Oh my god! What should we do about this...

If a person who reads lots of books is a bookworm, what do you call a person who listens to lots of tapes?

Old

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