UPJOKE
accomplishmentperformancefeateffortsuccessadvancementmilestoneattainmentrecordreachingaccomplishmentsexcellencemasterpieceachievedcontribution

What was the greatest achievement of the Spanish royal family?

They managed to turn their family tree into a circle

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Austria’s greatest achievement?

Convincing everyone Hitler was German

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, ...

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

Me after death with god in the heaven:- what's your greatest achievement?

I managed the people to forget about the 4/20 month and also made the extroverts to sit at their home.

The USA’s greatest achievement wasn’t putting a man on the moon

It was putting a man on the moon and doing all the calculations in imperial units

What is an American school kid's biggest achievement?

Walking out of school alive.

I didn’t think it was any big achievement, but...

This doctors note says I haven’t used my muscles in so long, I’m getting a trophy!

"What's your proudest achievement?" asked the job interviewer.

I said, "Getting here on time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant is walking through the jungle

She steps over a fallen tree and gets a splinter in between her toes. She tries and tries to get it out but just ends up wedging it in deeper, driving her to tears.

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my fo...

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

I hate people who think discovering Nirvana is some kind of an achievement.

Dumbass Buddhists...

Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.


Apparently a rol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two kids talking about their dads achievements

Kid1: have you heard of panama canal?


Kid2: yes.


Kid1: you know my dad dug it.


Kid2: ok, thats it. Have you heard about the dead sea?


Kid1: yes


Kid2: My dad killed it.

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The German doctor snorts and says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take out a bit of man's brain, pu...

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

What does Gen Z have in common with the Greatest Generation?

They consider it a great achievement if they survive childhood without getting shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

Saw a little girl walk into my store today wearing a shirt that said FINISHER 2019...

I said sweetie, that's a basic achievement, FINISHER 2020 is the real achievement.

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

After boasting to her mother about how great she is at doing head stands, Susan was advised not to practice it in her new school since her underwear is usually exposed.

Susan was proud at her achievement after her first day and was eager to tell Mum about the great audience of boys she attracted at school when showing off her skills.


Mother reminded her about exposing her panties of which Susan replied, "No Mum they were not seeing my panties."
...

My mom always said I'd never accomplish anything other than being born.

To be fair to her, that was my crowning achievement.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.