The 26+ Best Achievement Jokes

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

What was the greatest achievement of the Spanish royal family?

They managed to turn their family tree into a circle

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, ...

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is Austria’s greatest achievement?

Convincing everyone Hitler was German

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elephant is walking through the jungle

She steps over a fallen tree and gets a splinter in between her toes. She tries and tries to get it out but just ends up wedging it in deeper, driving her to tears.

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my fo...

The USA’s greatest achievement wasn’t putting a man on the moon

It was putting a man on the moon and doing all the calculations in imperial units

Why is an achievement in Mathematics greater than an achievement in any of the other sciences?

Because for an achievement in math, you receive Abel whereas for science, you receive Nobel.

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

I received a medal for achievement in psychiatry. I wear it proudly.

It’s ornamental.

I hate people who think discovering Nirvana is some kind of an achievement.

Dumbass Buddhists...

I didn’t think it was any big achievement, but...

This doctors note says I haven’t used my muscles in so long, I’m getting a trophy!

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The German doctor snorts and says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take out a bit of man's brain, pu...

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.

Apparently a rol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two kids talking about their dads achievements

Kid1: have you heard of panama canal?

Kid2: yes.

Kid1: you know my dad dug it.

Kid2: ok, thats it. Have you heard about the dead sea?

Kid1: yes

Kid2: My dad killed it.

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

Did you ever hear of Juan the Magnificent?

Juan was just a young man growing up in rural Mexico. He felt he had little chance to grow up and do anything of importance or recognition. He'd grow up and work the land. The same as his father and his grandfather before him.

Until the day he saw the great magician Harry Houdini.

...

Deep in the arctic, a fortress sits. This is Legion Prison, where all Supervillains are jailed.

And the Warden is having a very difficult time. In the beginning, it wasn’t so hard. A handful of villains can’t get up to too much trouble without their tools and weapon.

But as the prison filled up, things began to get more difficult.

MechaSlayer kept trying to fight Robo-Con.
...

What does Gen Z have in common with the Greatest Generation?

They consider it a great achievement if they survive childhood without getting shot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

The Chinese Premier, along with the South Korean and Indonesia President Went to See God

In 1975, Zhou Enlai, Park Chung-hee, and Suharto came before God to ask a question.

Zhou Enlai went first: "God, when will my country become prosperous?"

God replied: "30 more years".

Zhou Enlai wept because he knew he will never see it in his lifetime. Indeed, he would pass awa...

Job application...

This is an actual job application someone submitted at a McDonald's fast food establishment.
Not sure if they hired him....

NAME - Greg Bulmash

DESIRED POSITION - Reclining. Ha ha. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soviet joke: A regional Communist Party meeting is held to celebrate the anniversary of the Great October Socialist Revolution.

The Chairman gives a speech: “Dear comrades! Let’s look at the amazing achievements of our Party after the revolution.

For example, Maria here, who was she before the revolution? An illiterate peasant; she had but one dress and no shoes.

And now? She is an exemplary milkmaid known thr...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.