A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

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What doesn't belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Blowjob.

You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

List of top 10.....

Natural numbers
1. 1
2. 2
3. 3
4. 4
5. 5
6. 6
7. 7
8. 8
9. 9
10. 10

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

0000

0001

0002

0003

0004

0005

...

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

Pink Panther’s to do list

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

After my retirement at the company I worked at for 50 years, I looked forward to some relaxation time and putting my feet up, but my wife had other ideas...

... she insisted I take her to the local shopping centre every day.

Like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and out.

She's like most women - loves to browse & leaves me with endless time to fulfill.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following let...

Whenever I go out on dates, I don't take my girlfriend to my list of very special places.

I reserve those to my friends and my wife.

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

My friend used my to-do-list as a wrap for his blunt

He was high on my list of priorities

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

I once wrote down a list of puns.

There was a gathering of friends I was supposed to attend but before I went I wrote down a list of about 10 puns. The intentions of this list were try to get some old friends to laugh. When we all got together I started saying all of my puns hoping one of them would make someone someone laugh.
B...

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

A dead ethopian left behind an unfinished bucket list

1. Eat

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, and my roommate used it to roll his joint.

He is now high on my list of people I never wanna see again.

On the bright side, I got to scratch something off my bucket list today ...

N̶o̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶D̶a̶m̶e̶

Black list joke

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother ...

I just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die".

I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them...

I wrote down my bucket list on a piece of paper, and my crush decided to use it to roll up her joint.

She is now high on the list of things I want to do before I die.

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day, he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner, and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted, but unbeknownst...

The MLB is renaming the “disabled list” to the “injured list”.

I’m surprised by how easily it was for the Cleveland Indians to embrace using politically correct terminology.

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The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

When someone says, "You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt!" there are two things to consider...

They already have a list and you are on it...

I made a comprehensive list of the things that Homie the Clown don't play.

1. That

What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

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I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Actually looking forward to Christmas this year for once.

I usually get terrible presents for the Mrs that she don’t actually want, but this year found her Christmas list and I've got everything on it;

Eggs

Milk

Bread

Butter

Bacon

Sugar

Toilet roll

She's going to be well impressed

Nice List

I was good all year. I washed behind my ears, did all my homework and chores, even helped grandpa with the yard.

When I opened my gift, all I got was coal and a note!

"Timmy, thanks for being such a good boy this year. Have this coal - it's very legal, and very cool."

Looks lik...

I wrote the names of everyone I've de-friended onto a piece of paper. But my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint...

Now he's high on my list of people I never want to see again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

I just finished all 18 things on my bucket list

Edit: beer bucket.

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

Joke my 9 year old daughter, Emma made up: What kind of list does Emma have a hard time with?

List-ening!

(She has ADHD)

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

To do list-

(1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for reaction.

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.

The hostess said my name wasn’t on the list

but I had my reservations

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.

A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen
mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears and
gives him a partial sponge bath.

"Nurse,"' he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't k...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Accidents can happen. I once accidentally sent a dick pic to every person in my contact list.

The stamps costed me a fortune.

In the list of groundbreaking inventions

No one ever mentions shovels.

I am a psyicician specializing in growth hormone deficiencies. I had planned to present an exhaustive list of the conditions and syndromes that I treat but I couldn't wait to post this...

I have little patients.

There are 2 types of lists that bother me

1) Self-referential lists

B. Inconsistently formatted lists

Master list of dad jokes

Why shouldn’t you give Elsa a balloon? Because she’ll “Let It Go”!

What do you call cheese that’s not yours? Nacho cheese!

How do you make a tissue dance? Put a little boogie in it

What do you get when a witch goes to the beach? A sand-witch!

Where do cows go on Friday ni...

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Was Hitler on Santa's Naughty or Nice list?

Both. He was on the "Naughtcy" list.

Most lists are general and ordinary

But there are a couple specialists.

At work, they ask us to prepare for projects using an A through Z list. This week, my boss called me into his office.

He told me that he was irritated by preparations A through G. However, he felt as though Preparation H felt good on the hole.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dad! You can strike out the mountain bike on my wish list for christmas!

Just found a brand new one in the basement!!!

Not to brag, but I’m on the “World’s Richest People” list.

Somewhere around 6,700,000,000th.

Billy is writing a list of the hottest girls in his school.

His mom walks in and questions what he's writing.

"It's my to-do list," he explains.

Donald Trump To Do list: 2. Drain Swamp

1. Build Swamp

Did you hear about the man who was taken off the organ transplant list?

He was so disheartened

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