I just read the “100 things to do before you die” list….

I’m surprised that 'Call 911' didn’t make the cut.

A spine surgeon's to-do list

1. Get back to work.

I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

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I was disgusted when my buddy told me he had masturbated to the Holocaust movie, Schindler’s List, so I asked him how in the hell he could possibly have felt okay doing that.

He looked at me curiously and said, “What do you mean? There was that one shower scene.”

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

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I looked up a list of finger combinations used for masturbation.

Numbers 1 3 & 4 will shock you.

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh...

No pun in ten did.

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

I wrote the names of everyone I’ve unfriended onto a piece of paper; but my roommate took it and rolled it into a joint.

##

Now he’s high on my list of people I never want to see again.

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable – an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

<...

Yesterday I asked a girl out, but she told me she had a boyfriend

I responded with "I have a math test tommorow"

She looked a bit confused so I said "I thought we were listing things we could cheat on."

My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things

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A Father Jim has to drop a deuce during confessional...

...he pops his head of the curtain and calls over one of the alter boys - Timmy. I need you to cover for me.

Timmy walks over. I don’t know what to do.

The priest points to a list on the wall. One side has the offense and the other has the consequence.

Just lower your voice a...

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Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

April and June were dating...

The couple had been together many years, and, as far as one could tell from the outside were very happy together. But June had always felt as though there was something between them, something holding them back- something that April was keeping a secret.

As time went by, June got the impressi...

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

Pink Panther's to do list

To do

To do

To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooooo

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

All my friends have really expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Guest lists...

They tick me off.

The top 10 puns wouldn't make it onto a list of top 10 jokes.

No pun in ten did.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

I completed my bucket list yesterday

I finally bought a bucket

Everything you need to know about Australia

I REALLY hope these are true


These were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a great sense of humour (not to mention a low tolerance threshold for stupid questions!)


\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\...

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

Pink Panther’s to do list

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

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His cat died......

I heard this joke during a Bob Newhart concert....
One day this feller gets a call from his brother "Bill" (a metrosexual) who asked him to take care of his cat while he went on a business trip. The brother "Larry" (a Marine) agreed and Bill came over and dropped off the cat and a very long list ...

List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

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I'm a big fan of the Beatles, in particular Paul McCartney.

I made an account on the official Beatles website and made my profile picture an album of Paul McCartney throughout the years. However an admin told me I was going to be banned, I asked why and was shown the list of rules and the first was "Users are not allowed multipaul accounts."

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

Two women approach the front door to a dads-only bar

The younger of the two asks "Mom, what the hell are we even doing?"

Mom responds "I know, it's dumb, but thanks for agreeing to come with me. My dad was very specific in his will about how his ashes would be spread. This place is number 1 on the list. He'd been coming here for the longest tim...

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

An American is in Italian prison

"How'd you get here?" his cellmate asks.

"Well," he replies, "I went to go visit that famous leaning tower and then decided to get a slice of fresh pizza. I sit down and the server comes to take my order. I asked what's good and the server went down the list. Neapolitan, Giuseppe, Pugliese, N...

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

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The penis requested a wage raise from his company one day

He presented the following arguments to justify his request:

"Dear Board, I, as the penis, request a raise due to following reasons:

1. I work hard physically.
2. I always use my head in every job I do.
3. I work in both deep and superficial environments.
4. My working environ...

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

0000

0001

0002

0003

0004

0005

...

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

What do a book listing all Vietnamese generals and a list of all the problems with my wifi have in common?

'Hi Ping' is probably there somewhere.

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A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

What do you call an inventory list of to-be-shredded media?

A shredsheet

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A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

Mr. Waetherman's tips to combating boredom.

Mr. and Mrs. Weatherman are retired. Mrs. Weatherman insists that Mr. Weatherman go with her to Wal-Mart. He gets bored with all the shopping. He prefers to get in and get out, but Mrs. Weatherman loves to browse. Here's a letter sent to her from the store:


Dear Mrs. Weatherman, Ov...

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

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What doesn't belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Blowjob.

You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

When I was in the military we used to have comedy night, where everyone would sit and take turns telling jokes.

We didn't know many jokes however, so we made a list of all the jokes we knew, each joke had a number. For example, the "Everyone knows Dave" joke was number 10, the "Two priests in a bathtub" joke was number 15, and so on.

We always told the same jokes so we eventually memorized the whole li...

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Showerthought: Jesus made a list of sins that would keep you out of heaven and started it with "fornication." The apostles decided to put this list into the book of Corinthians.

6:9

Whenever I go out on dates, I don't take my girlfriend to my list of very special places.

I reserve those to my friends and my wife.

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

What did the shoelace get for Christmas?

Coal. He was on the knotty list.

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

As the world’s population swelled over the past few decades, Santa’s sleigh got heavier and heavier, requiring more reindeer to pull it.

Santa hired two new reindeer as crew, Lee and Franklin.

As part of their new hire training both Lee and Franklin go through a lot of physical training, navigational training, as well as a list of things that is to be packed on the sleigh.

Franklin is going through the list of banned it...

Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day, he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner, and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted, but unbeknownst...

Heard about Cuban Santa?

He's makin' a list... chicken and rice...

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A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

I once wrote down a list of puns.

There was a gathering of friends I was supposed to attend but before I went I wrote down a list of about 10 puns. The intentions of this list were try to get some old friends to laugh. When we all got together I started saying all of my puns hoping one of them would make someone someone laugh.
B...

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1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

A dead ethopian left behind an unfinished bucket list

1. Eat

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Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

On the bright side, I got to scratch something off my bucket list today ...

N̶o̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶D̶a̶m̶e̶

My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

Black list joke

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother ...

What did the construction worker say about his list of construction jokes?

Sorry I'm still working on it.

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

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A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

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I wrote a book about basements

I am hoping it makes the best cellars list

I'm not going to murder anyone this year.

I'm just trying to keep my new year's resolution list easy to fulfil.

I've been using up the ink in all the pens and all the lead in our pencils.

Makes my daughter's Christmas wish list much shorter.

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

Joke my 9 year old daughter, Emma made up: What kind of list does Emma have a hard time with?

List-ening!

(She has ADHD)

To do list-

(1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for reaction.

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I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

What did the paint do after he got bullied at school?

Oh, he just brushed it off.

Sorry for making a bad paint joke, it's been at the top of my bucket list for a while now.

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

When someone says, "You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt!" there are two things to consider...

They already have a list and you are on it...

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

The MLB is renaming the “disabled list” to the “injured list”.

I’m surprised by how easily it was for the Cleveland Indians to embrace using politically correct terminology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

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New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

So for Christmas I asked my brother to switch our names and lifestyles for a week....

Little did he know I was waay up on Santa's naughty list

I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had to choose my favourite type of star, it has to be a white dwarf.

Peter Dinklage is by far #1 in that list.

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