I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

A wife says to her husband “put ketchup on the shopping list”. He reluctantly agrees.

“I can’t read it anymore” he replies

My to-do list has gotten so long

I don't know what to do

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

To-do list of the pink panther

To-do
To-do
Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

Trump made an effort to list certain areas as "no-fly" zones.

Looks like he missed Pence's head.

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I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

Trump ends up in hell...

Trump dies from the virus. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as...

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

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Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

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The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".


Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and d...

Here's a list of jokes I came up with, sorry if they've already been made

\- I would make a divorce joke, but I can't commit to it.
\- I would make a sticker joke, but it'd probably wear off.
\- I would make a rocket joke, but I'm not sure if it would land.
\- I would make a yoga joke, but that's a bit of a stretch.
\- I would make a joke about philoso...

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

Murphy and O'Neill were looking at jobs listings at the Labour Office in Dublin

Murphy saw an advert from Park Services looking for tree planters.

He turns to O'Neill and says "This sounds like a great opportunity. Too bad there's only two of us."

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After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,...

The Pink Panther's To Do list

\- Todo

\- Todo

\- Todo todo todo todo todooooooo tododododo

My mother is on the FBI most wanted list

Apparently giving birth to me was a "crime against humanity" and i am "evil incarcerated"...

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

The boy and the shopping list

Once upon a time There was a boy the mother of the boy gave him a shopping list. The mother said “everything you need to do is on the shopping list also take your sister with you”. a few hours past and the boy was back but her sister was missing. The mother shock “where is she where where is your si...

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

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a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

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What do you call a person who keeps list of all his sexual encounters

Anal-yst

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Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, th...

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The Golf Pro

A golf pro is going over his morning instruction list and sees the usual: a lawyer, a CEO, etc… Looking down the list, he sees someone who listed prostitute. Finally, someone different!

He meets her out on the putting green and introduces himself. “I would like to start your lessons by seeing...

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I got arrested and put on a watch-list at an air port.

All i did was yell "This shit is the bomb!" after trying a Snickers bar.

I'm getting pretty old and I can feel myself slowing down, so I made a bucket list:

1) Change the "b" to an "f"

(-Jerry Seinfeld, sort of)

I wrote down the names of everyone I dislike on a piece of paper, and my roommate used that to roll his joint.

He is now high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

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Ricky Gervais dies and is met by God at the Pearly Gates

Ricky: Holy Shit! -- Oops. Sorry. Just can't believe heaven is real.

God: It is Ricky but I'm sad to say you won't be entering.

Ricky: What? Alright so I didn't believe and pray and all that jazz, but I was a pretty decent person. I did some good stuff.

God: You did, unfortunate...

God has a meeting with the board of Archangels. He turns to Archangel Joe.

G : "So where are you at with the punishment list for the 2020s??"

J : "All done"

G : "What?"

J : "Yeah, all the punishments for 2020 have been passed"

G : *facepalms* "That was supposed to be for the whole decade not one year you idiot."

A list of jokes [Long]

1. There are a hundred bricks on an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

Answer: 99.

2. How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in your refrigerator?

Answer: Three--open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

3. How many steps does it take to put an e...

A blind man goes to the same.restaurant every night for dinner

Each night he asks the waiter "what's the next special on the list and he orders that except if it's fish he says no
After months of this the waiter asks,
"you never order fish how come?".
"I cant eat fish says the man it's see food"..

I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh.

No pun in ten did

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An all boys high school teacher was doing the attendance roll call one morning

She went through the list of names and each student replied, “Yes miss” as their name was called.

“James?”

“Yes miss,” replied James.

“Is Robert here?”

“Yes miss,” replied Robert.

“Jack?”

After about 5 seconds of silence, Jack hadn’t replied.

The teac...

I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

My wife rolled a blunt using my to-do list!

She is high on my list of priorities!



Credit to : The Chive

What do you call a delay to order dumbbells?

A weight list.

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

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My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

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I was disgusted when my buddy told me he had masturbated to the Holocaust movie, Schindler’s List, so I asked him how in the hell he could possibly have felt okay doing that.

He looked at me curiously and said, “What do you mean? There was that one shower scene.”

If Ice Cream Required a Prescription

Each scoop would cost $300 negotiated down to a mere $50.

It would only be available at the pharmacy across town.

You would have to buy 200 pounds at a shot and store it on your own.

There would only be one flavor, black licorice.

It'll take 20 years for a generic ice...

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis

A young city biker walks into a seedy tavern in Sturgis, SD. Sturgis! He finally made it. He had several items on his must-do list, and this tavern was one of them. The chili, he'd been told, was world famous.

As he sits down at the bar, he notices a grizzled old biker with his arms folded, s...

A Chinese man is looking for a bank and sees a sign for one.

he notices there are some odd instructions to follow in order to visit the bank listed in the title. He frowns, but thinks, "Oh well, these are some weird procedures, but they are probably safety standards." With this, he goes back home and into the bathroom.



He comes out 2 minutes la...

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

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The Bricklayer's Accident Report

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.
Dear Sir:


I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put "Poor Planning" as...

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An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

I started blogging by writing about all the best this about cats.

It was my cat-A-list.

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

There are 2 types of people in this world

1. those who can finish lists

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

Omg it took an hour for my friend and I to realize that our Uber driver was a celebrity!!

He’s even ranked top ten in the list of most desired people in the world by the FBI!

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

10 things I hate

1. Lists
2. Repeating myself
3. Irony
4. Lists
5. Never
6. Gonna
7. Give
8. You
9. Up
10. Trickery

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An elderly lady walks into an ice cream parlor.

She says to the man behind the counter, "what flavors of ice cream do you have?"

"They're listed on the sign. We have chocolate and vanilla," he answers.

"I'll have a scoop of the strawberry," she says.

"We don't have strawberry," answers the man.

"Well, then, I'll have s...

At the crime scene we found a long list of negative numbers

It doesn't add up

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Jimmy’s wife is tired of him never buying her presents for anything

So she creates a plan to get some nice jewelry and some action for herself. She approaches her husband with a piece of paper, written on it is a list of gifts and rewards. She says, If you start spoiling me I’ll give you something extra each night, a nice dinner gets you a sexy outfit, a necklace ge...

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

Guest lists...

They tick me off.

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A male band member’s manager learns that a local tabloid is looking for something scandalous to write a story about.

Trying to get ahead of whatever is coming, they go ahead and write out a list of rules for their client to follow to try and avoid catching the press’s attention. They emailed the list to the celebrity and told them to follow the instructions very closely.

A few days later, one of the manage...

All my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The blowjob confession.

A Catholic man is waiting in a practically empty church to give confession when the priest jumps out of the booth and tells him he has to go to the bathroom and asks him if he can take over.

There is a cheat sheet on Hail Marys and Our Fathers for each of the sins and all he has to do is rea...

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

My wife just yelled at me, "You haven't listened to a single word I've said"

I thought that was a pretty odd way to start a conversation

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

&nbsp;

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

Adam and Terry woke up on the Oregon Trail with supplies for a month.

On the last week of the month, Adam fell ill. Terry on the other hand, was fine.

On the last day, Adam started to uncontrollably pester Terry because he thought Terry had poisoned him.

Terry was patient at first, but soon his patience wore thin. It didnt help that they had run out of...

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

A comedian takes her friend to a joke-tellers' convention...

The comedian shows her friend the sign-up list for performers, then they grab their seats. The first performer walks out onto the stage, and says:

"16!"

He gets a few chuckles.

"5679!"

The crowd starts to laugh

"227!"

The crowd is in uproar, practically dryi...

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

My wife and I played that game where you write down 5 people we're allowed to sleep with

Ourside of our marriage

She gave me her list and I scoffed at the predictability

Celebrities, athletes, she didn't stand a chance!

However as she read mine a look of complete horror swept over her face

And I was grabbing my coat when she screamed "where the hell are you g...

Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day, he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner, and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted, but unbeknownst...

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

He gazed listlessly at the grocery store shelves..

..because he had forgot the list at home.

Joke my 9 year old daughter, Emma made up: What kind of list does Emma have a hard time with?

List-ening!

(She has ADHD)

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

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