My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

I was banned from the Chex cereal factory for yelling oddly specific, and degrading comments at the cereal machines. I am now on a list that bars me from entering any General Mills facility for the rest of my life.

That's right.


I'm a registered Chex offender.

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

I completed my bucket list yesterday

I finally bought a bucket

Guest lists...

They tick me off.

The top 10 puns wouldn't make it onto a list of top 10 jokes.

No pun in ten did.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

Pink Panther's to do list

To do

To do

To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooooo

All my friends have really expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

I was in Area 51 last week. Here is a list of everything I saw

[Redacted]

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

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Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

I recently got a rulebook written by an artist I ordered on Amazon. The way they numerically list the rules is weird:

...,30, 31, 32, 33, 33A, 35, 36,...

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

Boy: Hey wanna see a movie with me tonight?

Girl: I have a boyfriend.

Boy: I have a math test tomorrow.

Girl: What does that have to do with anything?

Boy: I thought we were listing things we were going to cheat on.

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

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The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

Pink Panther’s to do list

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

0000

0001

0002

0003

0004

0005

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What doesn't belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Blowjob.

You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

What do you call an inventory list of to-be-shredded media?

A shredsheet

Whenever I go out on dates, I don't take my girlfriend to my list of very special places.

I reserve those to my friends and my wife.

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

Showerthought: Jesus made a list of sins that would keep you out of heaven and started it with "fornication." The apostles decided to put this list into the book of Corinthians.

6:9

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A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

Written on bathroom wall

Three things I hate:

1. Vandalism
2. Lists
3. Sarcasm

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

My friend used my to-do-list as a wrap for his blunt

He was high on my list of priorities

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How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

A woman goes to the senior center to visit their father who has Alzheimer’s

She sees him sitting at a table by himself, staring vacantly out of a window. She approaches him, hoping longingly that maybe this time he’ll remember her.

She sits down across from him and asks “How are you today?”

His face lights up and he says “Actually I’m feeling great! How are y...

I just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die".

I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them...

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Three marriage criteria

There was a woman, whose relationship is always a disaster.

Frustrated, she decided to put up a notice in search of one special partner. She specify three criteria. Any man who want her, must met all of the criteria.

However, her criteria seems ridiculous since there’s no one respond...

I once wrote down a list of puns.

There was a gathering of friends I was supposed to attend but before I went I wrote down a list of about 10 puns. The intentions of this list were try to get some old friends to laugh. When we all got together I started saying all of my puns hoping one of them would make someone someone laugh.
B...

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

Cursed Re-union

*What is Reunion..? Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you're going to Work.. Instead you go to your neighbour's Wife to make love to her. Her husband comes back unexpectedly, knocks on the door and you have no choice but to crawl under the bed... The Husband enters the bed...

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

A dead ethopian left behind an unfinished bucket list

1. Eat

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

On the bright side, I got to scratch something off my bucket list today ...

N̶o̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶D̶a̶m̶e̶

Black list joke

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother ...

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A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Sheila and Barry...

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, e...

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

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Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

Joe goes to prom

Joe has had a crush on Ashley since fourth grade but never said anything. Prom is coming up and she recently broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been dating since freshman year. Joe decided that if he was going to make a move it was now or never. He worked up the courage to go up to Ashley and as...

Whaddya use to decide whether to host a Star Trek poetry event?

A list of prose in Khans.

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

A man dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter is there with his book and asks for his name.

The man says "Gordon Jones."

St. Peter finds his name and says "Okay. Let's review your life to see if you can enter Heaven."

St. Peter is reviewing Gordon's life and sees that he was a loving father, faithful husband and ...

That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot ...

A young girl is praying before bed on Christmas Eve...

"Dear God, please help me with my dyslexia, Mom and Dad had to help me with my list to santa. I almost asked Satan for my first bar. I was so embarrassed. Also, please be with those poorer and less fortunate than us. Amen"

And God said to the little girl, "Woof!"

A college student calls the admissions office

'Hi, my last name is Sweady, but on my acceptance letter, its listed as Cyirwu, is there a way to fix it?'

'Sorry about that, could you spell it for me? I'll try and update your file.'

'Sure, S as in sea, W as in why, E as in eye, A as in are, D as in 'double-u', and Y as in you.

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

Popcorn, ice, sand, water

is my bucket list. What's yours?

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer.

"I've finally realized that I should never have given Timex my real email address when I filled out my warranty card," he complains to the bartender. "Now it looks like I'm on some sort of a watch list."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[Long] Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, inherit their family's ranch.

In order to stay out of bankruptcy, they need to buy a bull to replace one who recently died. So the brunette goes online and finds a bull for sale in the city stockyards, about three hours away. The price of the bull is listed as $5,000.

Sadly, their inheritance wasn't much beyond the ranch,...

Putin just wants to make his people happy

A list of people is attached

Why thanos don't like selfies ?

Because everytime he makes a snap, half of his friend list disappear.

My doctor took one look at my gut and refused to believe that I work out.

So I listed the exercises I do every day: jump to conclusions, climb the walls, drag my heels, push my luck, make mountains out of molehills, bend over backward, run around in circles, put my foot in my mouth, go over the edge, and beat around the bush.

Why do kids in the Czech Republic get twice as many Christmas presents?

Because Santa Clause made a list and he Czeched it twice.

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Emergency supplies.

Three friends decide to go on a luxury cruise around the world. On the third night, the ship suffer's catastrophic damage in a storm and begins to sink. The three jump overboard and cling to debris to stay afloat. The next morning, they awake to find themselves washed up on a nearby small island. Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When I heard someone had found a cure for dyslexia.....

...it was like music to my arse. I got down on my knees and thanked dog. Then I removed it from this years Satan list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is the difference between a toilet bowl and a waiter?

The toilet bowl serves only one asshole at a time.

-

And yes, I know it is the joke number 9723442 in the list. However, after eating tonight very good food in a proper Italian restaurant next to a family group that would probably be excellent in performing the duelling banjos, I just ...

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