I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things

I wrote down a list of everyone I hate on a piece of paper and my roommate use it to roll his joint....

He's now high on the list of people I never want to see again

My dad has a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

He calls it my birth certificate.

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

Pink Panther's to do list

To do

To do

To do, to do, to do, to do, to doooooo

All my friends have really expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

Guest lists...

They tick me off.

I completed my bucket list yesterday

I finally bought a bucket

The top 10 puns wouldn't make it onto a list of top 10 jokes.

No pun in ten did.

Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let ...

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

I searched a list of ten puns to find one that made me laugh.

No pun in ten did.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.



I can't read a fucking word now.

I was in Area 51 last week. Here is a list of everything I saw

[Redacted]

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

My wife and I made lists of people we're allowed to sleep with

She chose Ryan Gosling, and I chose the babysitter, and I *won*, and now she's mad at me.

&nbsp;
&nbsp;
&nbsp;





Side note: I originally heard this joke on Dr. Katz, but cannot remember who the comedian was. Anybody happen to know? It's bugging me.

A man's fence is broken and he needs to hire someone to fix it

So he goes online to find someone to fix his fence for him but he is unsatisfied with their prices, that is until he finds a Buddhist monk who will do it for free.

He is initially surprised by this and assumes it might be a fake listing, but since it's free he feels like he has nothing to los...

List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

A tourist visiting Ireland went out for dinner when it came to deserts he was surprised to see “Brexit” listed on the menu so he asked a waitress what it was

She replied oh that’s an “Eton Mess”

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

Pink Panther’s to do list

- To do
- To do
- To do, to do, to do, to do, to do, to dooooo

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

Heard about Cuban Santa?

He's makin' a list... chicken and rice...

I asked Princess Leia for a list of her favorite bands...

It's Alderaan Duran

Teacher: "Children, please list ten animals who live in Africa."

Children: "An elephant and nine giraffes."

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

IT security experts have published a list of the 20 most secure passwords.

Reportedly, the first companies are already enforcing their use.

My wife told me to add ketchup to the shopping list before I went to the store

I don't know why since now I can't read what it says

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lemon, a potato, and a pea all had a tough week working at the grocery store...

...so they decided to let off some steam with a bar crawl at the weekend.

They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and refluxy; the potato, being a big st...

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

0000

0001

0002

0003

0004

0005

...

My stoned friend used my daily planner to roll a joint.

Now he’s high on my list of priorities.

There are only 3 things I hate:

1. Irony
2. Unfinished lists
3.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Stop using naughty words or else!

In order to prevent the unacceptable proliferation of swear words in this sub, I have developed a virus, which should have infected all your computers by now. It scans the words you type in, and if it detects that a naughty word has been used, it will instantly cause your computer to crash.

H...

What do you call an inventory list of to-be-shredded media?

A shredsheet

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What doesn't belong in this list: meat, eggs, wife, blowjob?

Blowjob.

You can beat your meat, eggs, or wife, but you can't beat a blowjob.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

Whenever I go out on dates, I don't take my girlfriend to my list of very special places.

I reserve those to my friends and my wife.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus.

A mafioso's son sits at his desk writing a Christmas list to Jesus. He first writes, "Dear baby Jesus, I have been a good boy the whole year, so I want a new..." He looks at it, then crumples it up into a ball and throws it away.

He gets out a new piece of paper and writes again, "Dear baby J...

Showerthought: Jesus made a list of sins that would keep you out of heaven and started it with "fornication." The apostles decided to put this list into the book of Corinthians.

6:9

A Priest and a Taxi Driver Were Waiting in Line for Judgment at the Pearly Gates

The taxi driver was first. He went to St. Peter and said," I am Brandon Wilson. Taxi driver in New York for fifteen years." Saint Peter looked at his list and smiled. "Welcome Mr. Wilson. Take this silken robe and this golden staff and enter the gates of Heaven." The taxi driver walked through the ...

To make a better Internet, I compiled a list of scams and manipulation techniques in order to raise awareness in the most gullible users.

Number 27 will make you cringe

What did the paint do after he got bullied at school?

Oh, he just brushed it off.

Sorry for making a bad paint joke, it's been at the top of my bucket list for a while now.

Everyone says that as a nice guy/gentleman, I'm a dying breed and that I should be on the endanger species list.

I wonder if there is a breeding program for my kind.

Note: First time posting on r/Jokes

Out Shopping

I told one of the associates that I would like to buy a few things. She said do you have a list?

I said no, I always stand like this.

If there were lists of the best dad joke tellers...

...would they be called the Pop Charts?

I went for a walk through Memory Lane today.

I found some boxes in my closet. In it were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw. There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital, and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

The...

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

The Retired Husband

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target.

Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday my dear wife received the following...

I just read a list of "the 100 things to do before you die".

I'm pretty surprised "yell for help" wasn't one of them...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If I had to choose my favourite type of star, it has to be a white dwarf.

Peter Dinklage is by far #1 in that list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

1. Cockadoodle 2. Yabba Dabba 3. Voo 4. Sea 5. Didgeri

My to doo list

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A list of puns

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

I once wrote down a list of puns.

There was a gathering of friends I was supposed to attend but before I went I wrote down a list of about 10 puns. The intentions of this list were try to get some old friends to laugh. When we all got together I started saying all of my puns hoping one of them would make someone someone laugh.
B...

The NHS has just revealed a list of long-term side effects of vaccines!

- Old age
- Grey hair
- General decrease of diseases

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How much penance is there for a blow job?

A man is in confessional when the priest says "Hey, I've got really bad diarrhea, could I get you to take over for a bit?" The man says "I don't know what penance to ask for sins.", to which the priest replies "I have a list..." and opens the divider to show the man the list on the wall. "You just l...

A woman goes to the senior center to visit their father who has Alzheimer’s

She sees him sitting at a table by himself, staring vacantly out of a window. She approaches him, hoping longingly that maybe this time he’ll remember her.

She sits down across from him and asks “How are you today?”

His face lights up and he says “Actually I’m feeling great! How are y...

A dead ethopian left behind an unfinished bucket list

1. Eat

How does Whitney Houston List the Vowels?

A

E

O

U

And IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

On the bright side, I got to scratch something off my bucket list today ...

N̶o̶t̶r̶e̶ ̶D̶a̶m̶e̶

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three marriage criteria

There was a woman, whose relationship is always a disaster.

Frustrated, she decided to put up a notice in search of one special partner. She specify three criteria. Any man who want her, must met all of the criteria.

However, her criteria seems ridiculous since there’s no one respond...

Black list joke

A little boy walks into his parents room to see his mom on top of his dad bouncing up and down. The mom sees her son and quickly dismounts, worried about what her son has seen. She dresses quickly and goes to find him. The son sees his mom and asks, "What were you and Dad doing?" The mother ...

Death has a list

Whoever is in top of the list gets visited by death and killed. One day, he knocks on a man's door and tells him, 'I've come to kill you .' The man was scared, but thinking quickly, said, ' At least come in ,have dinner, and a good night's sleep before killing me.' Death accepted, but unbeknownst...

What did the construction worker say about his list of construction jokes?

Sorry I'm still working on it.

Cursed Re-union

*What is Reunion..? Reunion is when you get up in the morning and tell your wife you're going to Work.. Instead you go to your neighbour's Wife to make love to her. Her husband comes back unexpectedly, knocks on the door and you have no choice but to crawl under the bed... The Husband enters the bed...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

(NSFW) Sheila and Barry...

Sheila and her husband Barry went for counselling after 37 years of marriage.

When asked what the problem was, Sheila went into a passionate, painful tirade, listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married. She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, e...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom is setting up a chore-list for her kids...

She gets halfway through the month and realizes she has just one sticky note left. With plenty of time before she has to pick up the kids from school she decides to head over to office depot.
She arrives and is greeted by the doorman, Tom. Very polite local who she went to school with, tom is a ...

What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walks into an ice cream shop

And orders a chocolate ice cream. The young man assisting her kindly informs her they are a unique ice cream shop and only sell two flavors, Vanilla and Strawberry.

She replies rudely, “Well this is news to me so I’ll obviously need more time to decide.”

She’s staring at the menu with...

The MLB is renaming the “disabled list” to the “injured list”.

I’m surprised by how easily it was for the Cleveland Indians to embrace using politically correct terminology.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The official list of emojis for 2019 has been updated to include a drop of blood, which is meant to symbolize menstruation. Although, if tech companies really wanted to accurately portray the suffering caused by periods...

...they should use an emoji of a husband quietly masturbating in the bathroom.

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

When someone says, "You are the last person on my list I would want to hurt!" there are two things to consider...

They already have a list and you are on it...

I visited the UK recently and saw a hotel listing for 2000 pounds.

That's a ton of money

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of my favorite anti-jokes. The first 10 are great but the last one is fucking gold.

01) great

02) great

03) great

04) great

05) great

06) great

07) great

08) great

09) great

10) great

11) fucking gold

To do list-

(1). Go to pet store. (2). Buy bird seeds. (3). Ask how long it will take for the birds to grow. (4). Wait for reaction.

Joke my 9 year old daughter, Emma made up: What kind of list does Emma have a hard time with?

List-ening!

(She has ADHD)

How does Max Payne organize his list?

**BULLETS.**

I got booted off the plane today and put on the no-fly list.

All I did was greet my friend Jack.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New nurse at an elderly care centre: "Hey, I was checking though Bills medication list and got curious, why would a 90 year old man need viagra while staying here alone?"

Nurse 2: "It stops him rolling out of bed."

Joe goes to prom

Joe has had a crush on Ashley since fourth grade but never said anything. Prom is coming up and she recently broke up with her boyfriend that she'd been dating since freshman year. Joe decided that if he was going to make a move it was now or never. He worked up the courage to go up to Ashley and as...

Someone should make a phone app that connects to your bank account and only lists restaurant you can afford

Could call it Welp

I put together a list of 288 dead baby jokes to post.

I decided not to post them because it would be two gross.

A young girl is praying before bed on Christmas Eve...

"Dear God, please help me with my dyslexia, Mom and Dad had to help me with my list to santa. I almost asked Satan for my first bar. I was so embarrassed. Also, please be with those poorer and less fortunate than us. Amen"

And God said to the little girl, "Woof!"

Eggs have recently been added to the endangered species list

Due to excessive poaching.

What does Match.com and the FBI's Top Ten list have in common?

I'm not wanted on either. :/

how time flys

A group of 15 year old boys discussed where they should meet for dinner. It was agreed they would meet at the McDonald’s next to Captain Jack’s Seafood Grille because they only had six dollars among them, they could ride their bikes there, and Jennie Webster, that cute girl in Social Studies, lives ...

That’s one amazing chimpanzee..

A widow walks into a pet store and approaches one of the sales reps, “My husband died recently and I’ve been feeling really lonely. Do you have any recommendations for a pet to keep me company?”

The sales rep says “What about a dog?”

“No no no, I’ve already had a dog and they’re a lot ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I started my fairly new job at Starbucks a couple month ago...

When this smoking hot girl comes in I mean an absolute babe! Luscious blonde hair, green eyes, perfect lashes, long legs with the shortest skirt I have seen, a belly button piercing with a stomach you could crack a walnut on and a push up bra that was holding the world up, I was in shock and speechl...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Special High Intensity Training: It is now and always has been the policy of this company to assure all employees are well trained.

Through our Special High Intensity Training program (SHIT), we have given our employees more SHIT than any other company in the area. If any employee feels that he or she could advance to another position by taking more SHIT, please see your supervisor. Our management specialists are trained to as...

Death comes to collect a man’s soul.

When he gets to the man’s home, he sees the man and his family are in the middle of party. Death tells the man why he has come.

The man begs death to spare him but death insists that he must start at the top of his list and his name is first.

The man sadly agrees but asks death if he...

I just finished all 18 things on my bucket list

Edit: beer bucket.

I want to have a cheese salad roll with bacon and olives before I die..

It's on my baguette list....

I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.

Now I'm Hanns free.

A man and his wife were driving along a road...

(reposted due to an error in the title hahah)

The wife says "I know we've been married for five years, but I want a divorce."

The man speeds up slowly.

The wife opens her mouth again. "I don't want you to try to talk me out of it, I've been having an affair with your best friend...

Martin Love was a very successful fitness coach.

He was incredibly strict and his long list of 100 rules was infamous, but you couldn't argue with the results. People always reached their target weight within a month. But this required absolute obedience to the rules, and commitment to Martin Love's regime. To make sure people knew exactly what th...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.