I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”...

I was quite surprised that “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.

As a Nevadan, I'm tired of people insinuating that we can't count. We are a great state filled with intelligent people. In fact, I can list off 20 ways we are better than our neighboring states.

Just let me take my shoes and socks off first.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife and i made a list of people we would have sex if we got the opportunity

She chose Channing Tatum,David Beckham,Brad Pitt,Chris Hemsworth and Bradley Cooper.I chose her sister,her cousin that was at our wedding,neighbours wife,girl that works as a clerk in Walmart and our son’s biology teacher

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

Now I can’t read any of it.

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

I wrote down the names of all the people I hate, but my roommate used the paper to roll up his joint.

Now he’s high on the list of people I never want to see again.

To To List for Today

1. Bless the rains down in Africa
2. Take the time to do the things we never have
3. Enable spell check
4. Do what's right

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

We found a list of negative numbers at the crime scene

It doesn't add up

Why can’t frogs ever complete their bucket lists?

They croak before they even get started.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

"I can't find the shopping list."

He said listlessly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife insisted that I list every woman I’d ever been with...

so I started with the woman I lost my virginity to, all the way up to her. And that is where I should have stopped.

~Jimmy Carr

I like to keep a list of all the girls I've slept with

Its called my marriage license

Crossing things off my to-do list

I didn't do them, I just don't want them on my list anymore

I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you

My to-do list has gotten so long

I don't know what to do

From the FBIs Most Wanted List....

Two men have become the most dangerous in America!

Dunning and Krueger!

To-do list of the pink panther

To-do
To-do
Todo todo todo todo todooooootododo

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap

He was high on my list of priorities

Trump made an effort to list certain areas as "no-fly" zones.

Looks like he missed Pence's head.

Trump dies and goes to hell..

... where the Devil is waiting for him.

"I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go,...

Did you hear about the ancient mesopotamian tablets they discovered recently that just list information about flatulence?

They're fartifacts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I made a list of all the prostitutes and criminals in my area

It’s my pros and cons list

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

Why was the dog put on the No Fly list?

It had ties to suspected terrier organizations

Nurse: Doctor, I have organized the list of donor's hearts, livers, kidneys in alphabetical order

Doctor: Wow, its very *organ-ized*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Well, I accidentally sent a nude photo of me to everyone in my contacts list

It cost me a small fortune in stamps.

A man dies and goes to hell.

As he approaches the gates he is stopped by the gatekeeper who asks for his name. "Joe." he replies. "Well, joe, I've found your name on the list. There are seven levels in hell, but since your only sin was cheating on a science test in the third grade, you will only be in the first level." "Oh, it ...

Here's a list of jokes I came up with, sorry if they've already been made

\- I would make a divorce joke, but I can't commit to it.
\- I would make a sticker joke, but it'd probably wear off.
\- I would make a rocket joke, but I'm not sure if it would land.
\- I would make a yoga joke, but that's a bit of a stretch.
\- I would make a joke about philoso...

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW It's Christmas time and the local mailman is doing his rounds...

As he approaches one of the houses on his route the door opens and a beautiful woman is standing there with nothing on but an open button down shirt. She grabs the mailman by the hand and takes him upstairs. After a vigorous session of sex, she gives him a $5 bill and offers to make him breakfast. H...

Did you hear about the author who writes using invisible ink?

Here's a list of his books:

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

Murphy and O'Neill were looking at jobs listings at the Labour Office in Dublin

Murphy saw an advert from Park Services looking for tree planters.

He turns to O'Neill and says "This sounds like a great opportunity. Too bad there's only two of us."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a list of puns!

Here's a list of puns I've been collecting:

How do you throw a space party? You planet.

How was Rome split in two? With a pair of Ceasars.

Nope. Unintended.

The shovel was a ground breaking invention, but everyone was blow away by the leaf blower.

A scarecrow says,...

The Pink Panther's To Do list

\- Todo

\- Todo

\- Todo todo todo todo todooooooo tododododo

Why are so many people getting on the Trump train?

Because they’re on a no fly list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his Deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.

IRS AUDITOR: “I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".


Boat Owner: “Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and d...

My mother is on the FBI most wanted list

Apparently giving birth to me was a "crime against humanity" and i am "evil incarcerated"...

What does a cannibal say to a waiter on a cruise ship?

Please bring me the passenger list.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about.

A boy is about to go on his first date, and is nervous about what to talk about. He asks his father for advice. The father replies: "My son, there are three subjects that always work. These are food, family, and philosophy."

The boy picks up his date and they go to a soda fountain. Ice cream ...

I thought Schindler's list was an adult film.

Because I heard there is a shower scene.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

The boy and the shopping list

Once upon a time There was a boy the mother of the boy gave him a shopping list. The mother said “everything you need to do is on the shopping list also take your sister with you”. a few hours past and the boy was back but her sister was missing. The mother shock “where is she where where is your si...

All my friends know my second favorite activity is making bad jokes.

My favorite activity is making lists that start at two.

Moses comes back down from the mountain

Got good and bad news, folks. The good news: I got him down to 10. The bad news: Adultery is still on the list.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

Why can’t flies ever travel in an airplane?

They are always in the No Fly List !

A List of Forts.

A Fort.

B Fort.

C Fort.

D Fort.

E Fort.

G Fort.

H Fort.

I Fort.

J Fort.

K Fort.

L Fort.

M Fort.

N Fort.

O Fort.

P Fort.

Q Fort.

R Fort.

S Fort.

T Fort.

U Fort.

...

What's a zombie's favorite movie?

Shambler's list.

(Really not proud of this one.)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a person who keeps list of all his sexual encounters

Anal-yst

My list of jokes

I told my sister not to stand near the trees in our back yard. I don’t know what it is they just seem shady.

How do you have a party in space, you planet.

Why can’t Ewoks shout in the house. They have to use their Endor voices.

Why can’t you give Elsa a balloon. Because she’ll ...

I'm getting pretty old and I can feel myself slowing down, so I made a bucket list:

1) Change the "b" to an "f"

(-Jerry Seinfeld, sort of)

A man calls the National Security Agency...

Man: Hello, I heard you record all our phone conversations, is that correct?

Agent: No sir, we don't do that

Man: Oh shoot. I was just talking to my wife and she gave me a list of things to do and I can't remember! I thought I would check with you rather than call her back and let her ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got arrested and put on a watch-list at an air port.

All i did was yell "This shit is the bomb!" after trying a Snickers bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling.

When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness,...

I searched a list of 10 puns to make me laugh.

No pun in ten did

A list of jokes [Long]

1. There are a hundred bricks on an airplane. One falls out. How many are left?

Answer: 99.

2. How many steps does it take to put a giraffe in your refrigerator?

Answer: Three--open the door, put the giraffe in, close the door.

3. How many steps does it take to put an e...

I hired an odd-job man and gave him a list of ten things to do.

He only did 1,3,5,7, and 9.

My wife and I have a list of people we get a free pass to sleep with. Her list has Josh Duhamel, Henry Cavill, and Chris Evans.

My list has our neighbor, her sister, and our kid's teacher.

What did Santa say at the strip club?

Ho! Ho! Ho!

You’re all on my naughty list!

My wife rolled a blunt using my to-do list!

She is high on my list of priorities!



Credit to : The Chive

I believe in stereotypes.

Phillips, Sony, Samsung, the list goes on and on!

I'm making a list of the worst places to get unexpected diarrhea

Number 2 may surprise you

A guy and his wife made a list of people they are allowed to sleep with if they ever get the opportunity..

She picks Brad Pitt, Chris Hemsworth, David Beckham, Channing Tatum and Bradley Cooper.

He picks her sister, her cousin, her best friend, their next door neighbor and there son's third grade teacher.

Men are simple like that.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was disgusted when my buddy told me he had masturbated to the Holocaust movie, Schindler’s List, so I asked him how in the hell he could possibly have felt okay doing that.

He looked at me curiously and said, “What do you mean? There was that one shower scene.”

I made a list of things I needed to do today

My crush then proceeded to roll a joint out of the paper I wrote it on.

Now she's high on my to-do list

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Man goes to a doctor...

A husband is convinced by his wife to go to the doctor after he starts having performance issues in the bedroom. The wife drops the husband off at the doctor's office since they were informed that the tests would take awhile to receive back the results. After the battery of questions and tests, th...

My girlfriend gave me a list of things she'd like to do for her 32nd birthday...

I told her there's no way we could do all that in 30 seconds.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

an actual oc joke i wrote out like a week ago

One day, a father is enjoying a walk alone, getting his sweet fresh air away from the nagging children and wife. However, enjoying the walk too much, he shuts his eyes. Turning a corner is a very wealthy man in a hurry, who ends up bumping into the father.

Both get up, and the father speaks u...

God has a meeting with the board of Archangels. He turns to Archangel Joe.

G : "So where are you at with the punishment list for the 2020s??"

J : "All done"

G : "What?"

J : "Yeah, all the punishments for 2020 have been passed"

G : *facepalms* "That was supposed to be for the whole decade not one year you idiot."

I was offered a list of available escorts and my curiosity was taken by a girl named Jaws.

When I asked why she was called that I was told because her body was obviously fake and you could always hear her coming.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ricky Gervais dies and is met by God at the Pearly Gates

Ricky: Holy Shit! -- Oops. Sorry. Just can't believe heaven is real.

God: It is Ricky but I'm sad to say you won't be entering.

Ricky: What? Alright so I didn't believe and pray and all that jazz, but I was a pretty decent person. I did some good stuff.

God: You did, unfortunate...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

The dying chemist tells his assistant..

To check the following numbers in the periodic table. Confused, but still wishing to follow his directions, he listens carefully and the chemist lists down the numbers, 10, 23, 47, 8, 7, 47, 53, 23, 63, 92, 15. After listung them down, the assistant tells the chemist he did it, and with a smile, the...

Please select a secret question from the list to help us confirm your identity.

What was your mother's maiden voyage?

What city did you throw up in?

What was the make and model of your first jar?

What was your favorite high school bleacher?

What is your favorite shorts seam?

What street did you jive on when you were 9?

What was your fir...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Golf Pro

A golf pro is going over his morning instruction list and sees the usual: a lawyer, a CEO, etc… Looking down the list, he sees someone who listed prostitute. Finally, someone different!

He meets her out on the putting green and introduces himself. “I would like to start your lessons by seeing...

On my Bucket list:

1. Pail
2. Mop Bucket
3. Ice Bucket
4. Car Washing Bucket
5. Climb Mt. Everest
6. Livestock Bucket

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An all boys high school teacher was doing the attendance roll call one morning

She went through the list of names and each student replied, “Yes miss” as their name was called.

“James?”

“Yes miss,” replied James.

“Is Robert here?”

“Yes miss,” replied Robert.

“Jack?”

After about 5 seconds of silence, Jack hadn’t replied.

The teac...

Got a list for y'all

1. (OC) Where do ghosts go to get their teeth worked on?

>!The Orthohauntist!!<



2. Two muffins are in the oven, one says to the other: Ya think it's getting hot in here?

the other one says: >!AHH!! A TALKING MUFFIN!!<



3. One guy says to his fri...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The new Royal Baby has already done three of the things on my bucket list/

1. Become a billionaire
2. Meet the Queen
3. Suck Meghan's tits

A blind man goes to the same.restaurant every night for dinner

Each night he asks the waiter "what's the next special on the list and he orders that except if it's fish he says no
After months of this the waiter asks,
"you never order fish how come?".
"I cant eat fish says the man it's see food"..

My wife made a list of all my flaws.

1. I don’t listen
2. Some other things

My dad carries around a piece of paper where he keeps a list of all his mistakes.

It is my birth certificate.

A woman answered her front doo

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Ma'am," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper so I can earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging...

Two great musicians hated each other

And after years of always being compared to one another, they finally decided to have a duet of guitars to see which was the better player. They carefully selected an audience of musical experts, and with that they played.

After a fifteen minutes duet, the vote was cast. Amazingly, the result...

List all odd integers from 1 to 20

1, 3, 5, 7, George Bush, 13, 15, 17, 19.

What do you call the list of most grossly obese people in the world?

Four-chin 500

What do you call a delay to order dumbbells?

A weight list.

First thing on my to-do list: Find a republic.

Czech.

Guest lists...

They tick me off.

All my friends have such expansive bucket lists.

Mine is just a little pail in comparison.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An American spy is drinking in a Soviet bar.

He is hoping for a politician to come and get drunk, so that he can steal secret Soviet intel.

All of a sudden, a Russian man walks up to him and says: "You! It is clear that you are a Western spy!"

The spy keeps his cool, he was trained for this. He speaks to the man in perfect Russia...

A minister dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who’s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this guy, "Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?" The guy replies, "I’m Joe Cohen, taxi driver, of Noo Yawk City." St. Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the taxi driver, "Take this silken robe and golden staff and ent...

Bernie Sanders joins list of 2020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

Err sorry, typo. That should be:
Bernie Sanders joins list of 2,020 Democratic Presidential candidates.

I watched Schindler's List last night and only used a couple of tissues

If it wasn't for that shower scene I wouldn't of needed any

I hacked everybody and I have collected all PIN codes! Here's the list

&nbsp;

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.