UPJOKE
recordfileregistryshowenrollenterregistrationentryinscribeenrolmusicrecruitinventoryaccumulatormemory device

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A young soldier was sent to the personnel office and assigned the task of registering recruits for life insurance.

Because of the cost, most soldiers didn't buy the life insurance, but after only 1 month on the job he had sold a record number of policies.

His captain noticed but thought it was a fluke. However, the following month, he doubled sales. A month later, when he set the army record for policies ...

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A man is in a long line at the grocery store

A man is in a long line at the grocery store. As he got to the register he realized he had forgotten to get condoms. So he asked the checkout girl if she could have some condoms brought up to the register. She asked, "What size condoms?" The customer replied that he didn't know. She asked him to dro...

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A man raced up to my cash register.

He put a gun to my head and shouted, "Don't do anything smart."

"O-o-ok." I stuttered.

He said, "Open the cash register!"

I said, "I don't know how to."

He said, "Don't be stupid."

I said, "Fucking hell, make your mind up."

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

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A job I was interviewing at I was asked, “are you a registered sex offender?”

I told them offendedly and sternly, “no I’m not registered!”

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“What’s your name, son?” a principal asked his student. The kid replied, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” asked the principal. The student answered, “No sir, but my dad has a stutter and the guy who registered my name was a real jerk.”

Elon Musk new plan for Mars colonization will include only registered Republicans.

He is going to make it the true red planet.

"Hello I'd like to register for mime classes"

"Ah, say no more"

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini.
He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now...

6 was afraid of 7 because 789. But why did 7 eat 9?

Because he needed 3² meals a day.

Why is 6 afraid of 7?

Because 7 is a registered six offender

A German in a Bar

A German walks into a bar and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him : "20 euros!"

The German is shocked - "20 euros? yesterday it was only 3 euros !"

"Well, today it is 20 euros."

\- "But why 20, damn it?"

Bar tender : "I'll explain it,

\-3 euros is beer,...

Unusable name

A man comes to the birth registration office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

 The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says th...

Trees don't register,

They *log* in.

A man went to the register with only a box of condoms.

The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'

He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

When you register on your birthday, so at least somebody congratulates you.

It's not going well.

Why is a broken cash register like a pirate?

There was no quarter given.

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My piss just registered 14 on the pH scale

No wonder I'm so based.

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A guy finishes shopping at the supermarket and goes to the register.

As he checks out, the girl takes notice of the items he is buying: cat food, a TV dinner for one, and a bottle of cheap wine.

The girl asks the man, "I bet you're single, aren't you?"

The man, sensing a possible flirt, asks, "Why yes I am, how could you tell?"

The girl looks him...

A couple is waiting in line with other guests to register at a busy hotel, and eventually are told that the only available room has twin beds.

The husband looks disappointed and says, "We've been sharing a bed for 44 years. I don't know about that."

The wife says, "Can we at least put the beds close together?"

The other guests in line smile, and one even quips, "How sweet!"

The wife then explains, "It's just that if...

Brazilian Hell

A man dies and goes to hell...

There, he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He is told: "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another...

A blonde went to city hall to register to vote. The clerk asked her, "When s your birthday?" She replied, 'June 10."

The clerk asked, "What year?"
The blonde said, "Every year."

What is the only job you have to register for?

Being a cashier.

What do you call a cash register?

"A Jewish piano."

Disclaimer: This joke came from a friend, who was told this joke by his Jewish boss. Please don't shoot the messenger.

Upon Arriving Home, A Husband Was Met At The Door By His Sobbing Wife Tearfully she explained, "It's the pharmacist. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."

Immediately the husband drove downtown to confront the pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a few words, the druggist told him,

"Now, just a minute, please listen to my side of it...
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went withou...

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A minister registers at a hotel and says, "I hope the porn in my room is disabled."

The clerk looks up and responds, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

It’s sad how my friend was struck from the medical register for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

Candy at the cash register?

I’ll buy some if it’s a Payday.

My dad has suggested that I register for a donor card

\-He's a man after my own heart

Why did Donald Trump bring his wig to the cash register?

Toupee.

Credit: my wife made this up while we were in bed falling asleep last night.

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in
her cart:

* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, ...

Why did T-rex have to register with police?

He was a small arms dealer.

I'm very sorry, I'll show myself out.

Kathy's New Job

After a long stint in prison, Kathy managed to secure herself a job at a candy shop

She arrived on the first day wearing a proper yet practical dress. However, her first day was set to be retrieving candy at the front register

The first customer came, looked at the candy, and asked for...

Last week I registered for a course ‘Dealing with dissapointments’

It got cancelled again...

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Why was Ash Ketchum on a registered sex offenders list?

Because he was caught having a Pikachu.

I went to the Patent Office trying to register some of my inventions

I went to the main desk to sign in and the lady at the desk had a form that had to be filled out. She wrote down my personal info and then asked me what I had invented.

I said, "A folding bottle."

She said, "Okay. What do you call it?"

"A Fottle."

"What else do you have?"...

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at r...

I registered to a website for constipation sufferers.

It won't let me logout.

I heard Walmart stores were so busy on Friday that they opened a second register!

Sounds like a picnic compared to O'hare Airport yesterday!

[Long] I was working the register of a pharmacy when a woman came up to me asking for breath mints.

I pointed her to the candy aisle and told her they were about halfway down on the left.

She said that she'd been down there already, and that all of the mints had loads of sugar in them, and if she them they'd make her hyper and overly excited.

I had never heard of anyone getting too e...

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A visit to the library

A man went to the library and asked the librarian if she had the new book about having a small penis?
The librarian looks on her computer for a good minute and can't seem to find it registered in the system anywhere, before she finally says "I don't know if it's in yet".


The man re...

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull...

I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.
Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some p...

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My friend has been struck off the medical register

After many years of training and hard work to get to where he was, working two shitty jobs in order to pay the bills to get through school, he'd only been in the profession what, a year? And he's paid for it all with one minor indiscretion: He slept with one of his patients. He swears he knew it was...

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

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Two girls are working on the cash registers at the grocery store

“You know, I can always tell the single men from the men in relationships.”

“How can you do that?”

“Watch. I’ll show you on the next customer.”

A man approaches the register with his shopping. A single tomato, a single pork chop, a single potato, a single tin of beans and a sing...

I tried to register under the username "v1rg1nity"...

...but it's already taken.

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A farmer spends $7,000 on a young registered Black Angus bull to mate with his cows.

He puts the bull out with the herd, but the animal just eats grass. He won’t even look at the cows. The farmer feels cheated, so he brings in the local vet to check out the bull. The bull is very healthy, the vet explains, but possibly just a little young. So he gives the farmer pills to feed the bu...

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What's the best part about being a registered sex offender?

Everyone on your block knows you get pussy

Took awhile for the Trump administration to finally register and patent the cure for COVID-19 under...

ISO-LATE

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Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.

"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.

"But there is no God" counters the official.

"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

I tried to register slimshady.com, and it turns out the US government forcibly took it over.

They cited Eminem domain.

I was shocked when the registered pharmacist was arrested for prostitution.

She also knew me very well since I have been a customer for years!

But I NEVER knew she was a pharmacist!

Did you hear about the malfunctioning register at the liquor store?

Everything's coming up rosé's

Cardio B's attempt to register "Okurrr" as a trademark has been denied by the U.S. Patent Office.

Luckily, she has a backup plan: "Mediocrrre".

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man look...

A registered organ donor passed away. His body was sent to Amazon Prime...

Because they de-liver for free.

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My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients.

It's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

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When i meet someone who says 'im a registered sex offended'

...I think 'ha you got caught'


/s

A Viking explorer came home to find his name removed from the town register. When his wife complained, the chief apologized and said,

“I must have taken Lief off my census.”

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A woman at the grocery store goes to the register to check out her stuff..

She gets there and the cashier proceeds to scan her items.. One apple, one bottle of water, one yogurt, one banana etc.. One of everything....
So the cashier tells her:
- Ha! You must be single!
- Huh?, What makes you say that?
- Well you're fucking ugly

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TIFU by hiring a registered sex offender as a replacement teacher

Oops wrong sub.

Did you hear about the man who assaulted someone with a woodwind instrument?

He's a registered Sax offender

Found this in my timeline...

I was fed up with being burgled every other day in my neighbourhood. So, I tore out my alarm system & de-registered from our local Neighbourhood Watch.
I've planted a Pakistani flag in each corner of my front garden and a large Black Flag of ISIL in its centre.
Now,the Yorkshire police, th...

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

A man had to attend a large convention in Chicago. For this particular trip, he decided to bring his wife. When they arrived at their hotel and were shown to their room, the man said: “You rest here while I register – I’ll be back within an hour.”

So, his wife lies down on the bed…and just then, an elevated train passes by very close to the window and shakes the room so hard she’s thrown out of the bed. Thinking this must be a freak occurrence, she lies down once more. Again a train shakes the room so violently, she’s pitched to the floor....

Since we're at it: Dating in your 30s is like registering a domain name...

The good ones are all taken. But you can always get one from an exotic country...

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I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

Did you hear about the registered donor who had a car crash on the Golden Gate Bridge?

He left his heart in San Francisco.

A little boy sees a cowboy

A woman stops at a rural gas station so her little boy can use the bathroom. When he comes out, his mom is standing in line at the register and behind her is a cowboy!

The boy is really excited. He goes up to the man and asks, "Excuse me, mister. Are you a real cowboy?"

The cowboy sa...

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George and Harriet decided to celebrate their 25th Wedding Anniversary with a trip to Las Vegas

When they entered the hotel/casino and registered, a sweet young woman dressed in a very short skirt became very friendly. George brushed her off. Harriet objected, "George, that young woman was nice, and you were so rude."

"Harriet, she's a prostitute."

"I don't believe you. That swee...

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A Man Goes into a gas station and asks the lady at the register for a KitKat Chunky

The lady then goes back to the freezer and gets him a KitKat Chunky.

The man says "No, I wanted a regular Kit Kat you fat bitch"

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

A man needed to prepare for a date so he went to a local pharmacy

After finding the condom section, he selected a box and went to the register.

The cashier scanned the box and stated "OK, that'll be $7.68 including tax."

At this, the man blinked and said "Tax? I thought these things stayed on by themselves!"

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A man went into a tobacco store

to buy a large cigar. After buying it, he immediately started smoking it inside the store, which annoyed the store owner.

-Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to step outside if you're going to smoke that.

-Isn't this a tobacco store that sells cigars?

-Yes, but...

-Then I ...

In the Soviet Union there was a 10 year wait list

On cars. You had to collect the money and register 10 years in advance. A guy goes to register, makes the payment and the sales person asks him to get back after 10 years for the car. The guy asks "morning or afternoon?"

The sales person asks how does it matter -you're already waiting 10 year...

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Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a...

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My Grocery Store Experience

5-7min read. Based on a true story.

---

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like Milk, Eggs, & Bacon. Yes, Bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck decidin...

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A bartender was getting ready to close for the night

when a robber with a ski mask bursts in and pulls a gun. He yells to the bartender, "This is a stick-up! Put all your money in this bag!"

The frightened bartender pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!" The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!" The bartender says, "O...

Trucker stops at a diner to get some coffee...

Trucker stops at a diner to get some coffee. Looking around, he sees the only open seat was at the far end of the counter. He goes over and starts a conversation with the Farmhand next to him.

After a while, Farmhand gets up to leave saying "Ya know what, yer something else. I'm gonna go up ...

At one point, playboy tried to capitalize on the MILF craze but was wildly unsuccessful.

It turns out nobody wants to ask the person running the register if they got the *Mommy Issues.*

The inventor of the umbrella was going to call it the brella,

but when he went to register the patent , he hesitated.

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Pavlov walks into a bar

Pavlov walks into a bar. He hears the cash register ring and he says:

"Shit, I forgot to feed my dogs."

[NSFW] A teenager walks to a pharmacy one evening...

...and picks out a box of condoms to buy. Taking it to the register, the man behind the counter asked the teenager, "For what occasion?"

"I'm finally gonna bang my girlfriend tonight." The teenager said.

The man behind the register asked no more questions then bagged up the box of cond...

Fishing

A woman goes into Wal-Mart to buy a rod and reel.

She doesn't know which one to get so she just grabs one and goes over to the register.

There is a Wal-Mart "associate" standing there with dark shades on.

She says, "Excuse me sir...can you tell me anything about this rod and ...

Covid restrictions...

I'm down with social distancing, but I think my local grocery store has gone too far.

They've put a big X on the floor to show where to stand in line at the register.

I've seen enough Roadrunner cartoons, I'm not falling for that.

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