This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two girls are working on the cash registers at the grocery store

“You know, I can always tell the single men from the men in relationships.”

“How can you do that?”

“Watch. I’ll show you on the next customer.”

A man approaches the register with his shopping. A single tomato, a single pork chop, a single potato, a single tin of beans and a sing...

We call the offices to register Births, Marriages and Death's in our town....

Hatch em, Match em and Dispatch em.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman checking out at the register of the grocery store puts bacon, milk, frozen peas, butter, and a can of soup on the conveyor belt. The man behind her in line see all this and says: “You must be single.” “Why, yes, I am, how did you know?” she asks.

“Cause you’re the ugliest woman I’ve ever seen in my entire life,” he says.

What do you call a girl who did not register in time for the beauty contest?

Miss Deadline.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student visits the principal's office

The principal asks: "What is your name, son?"

The student replies: "D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir."

Then the principal asks: "Oh, do you have a stutter?"

Student answers: "No sir, my dad has a stutter but the guy who registered my name was an asshole."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was on shift at Popeye's when a woman approached my cash register and whispered in a very sexy raspy voice,"I want you to choke me."

I was locked in her lustful gaze and I replied...

"biscuits with no drink then?"

A Communist Party Bureaucrat drives down to a collective farm to register a potato harvest

"Comrade farmer, how has the harvest been this year?" the official asks.

"Oh, by the grace of God we have had mountains of potatoes", answers the farmer.

"But there is no God" counters the official.

"Huh", says the farmer, "And there are no mountains of potatoes either"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A minister registers at a hotel and says, "I hope the porn in my room is disabled."

The clerk looks up and responds, "It's just regular porn, you sick fuck!"

My dad suggested I register for a donor card

He's a man after my own heart

Why did T-rex have to register with police?

He was a small arms dealer.

I'm very sorry, I'll show myself out.

A man went to the register with only a box of condoms.

The cashier asked 'Sir, do you want a bag?'

He replied 'No thanks, she's not that ugly'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My uncle just got struck off the medical register for having sex with his patients.

It's a real shame cause he's a really good vet.

A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying…..

"I must have taken Leif off my census."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

I went down to the patent office trying to register some of my inventions earlier today and walked up to the main desk to sign in when the lady pulled out a form to fill out. She asked for my personal info, wrote it down and then asked me what I had invented...

I said, 'A folding bottle.'

She said, 'Okay. What do you call it?'

'A fottle.'

'What else do you have there?'

'A folding carton.'

'OK, what do you call it?'

'A farton.'

She chuckled and said, 'Those are silly names for products and one of them sounds ...

A gorilla walks into a bar

A gorilla goes into a bar and orders a martini. This totally amazes the bartender, but he thinks, "What the heck, I guess I might as well make the drink." So he mixes the martini. He then walks back over to the give it to the gorilla, and the animal is holding out a twenty-dollar bill. Well, now the...

There wasn't a price on the bottle of water, so I took it up to the cash register.

"Could you tell me how much this is?" I asked. She said, "That's 500 millilitres, sir."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The New New Math....

I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I was digging for my change when I pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tel...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend has been struck off the medical register

After many years of training and hard work to get to where he was, working two shitty jobs in order to pay the bills to get through school, he'd only been in the profession what, a year? And he's paid for it all with one minor indiscretion: He slept with one of his patients. He swears he knew it was...

*at cash register*

ME: Do I swipe the whole card or...

*[seductively inserts chip]*

Just the tip?

CASHIER: *[into mic]* Security

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man came up to my cash register.

He put a gun to my head and shouted, "Don't do anything smart."

"O-o-ok." I stuttered.

He said, "Open the cash register!"

I said, "I don't know how to."

He said, "Don't be stupid."

I said, "Fucking hell, make your mind up."

A man is sitting at a bar when he notices a turtle near the register. It is covered with bandages ....

and not moving. "So uh, what's the deal with the dead turtle?" he asks.
The barkeep perks up, "Dead? you say? I'll have you know that this is the fastest turtle on Earth!" "In fact, I have fifty dollars that say **this** turtle can beat **you** to the other side of the room!"

The man look...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Goes into a gas station and asks the lady at the register for a KitKat Chunky

The lady then goes back to the freezer and gets him a KitKat Chunky.

The man says "No, I wanted a regular Kit Kat you fat bitch"

A Glasgow girl goes to the Civic Center to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the civil servant?

"10" replies the girl.

"10???" says the civil servant.. "What are their names?"

"Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec, Alec and.....eh...Alec

"Doesn't that get confusing?" "

Naw..." says the girl "its great bec...

I tried to register under the username "v1rg1nity"...

...but it's already taken.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:

* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Johnny's penis starts to itch while his mom registers him for summer camp...

...so he scratches the itch. The counselor and his mother both see this, and his mom chastises him.

"It's not appropriate to do that to yourself in public or private, honey. I don't wanna see you ever scratching yourself in public again."

"Okay mom." Johnny says.

Later, Little ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there’s this lady, shopping in a grocery store.

She walks over to the produce section and picks out a nice sized cumber, some large carrots, and a decently sized eggplant. As she continues shopping, she picks up a Barry Manilow cd from the $5 discount bin and a few pumpkin spice scented candles. As she heads to the register she grabs her last ite...

There once was a man...

...who worked at a shop where everything was $2.80. He said the same thing to customers; '2.80', ' the best', and 'if you don't someone else will'. This usually works well for him.

A customer comes up and asks, " how much is this?"
$2.80"
"how's the quality?"
"the best"
Should I...

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

John asks Crystal to prom

Crystal says she would love to go to prom with him. So John starts to get everything.

The first thing he wants to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the local shop and notices the line to get one is extremely long. But, being the kind and loyal man he is he waits and gets his tuxedo

John also...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Milking the situation.

So I'm just sitting there at the register and I see a customer approaching, before I can say hi, he runs past me with a gallon of milk in his hand.

Seeing the situation my manager says "that bastard just stole some milk"

And I respond "huh, how dairy"

And that's how I lost my j...

An old man is lying on his deathbed.

Slipping peacefully away, he is half-aware of one sense after another fading, his sight growing dim, a blessed silence falling... and then something half-forgotten teases at his nose and he twitches as it registers. It's a delicious savoury scent wafting up the stairs - his wife's wonderful cheese s...

The Pharmacist and a Thermometer

Upon arriving home a husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully, she explained, "It's the druggist.. He insulted me terribly this morning on the phone. I had to call multiple times before he would even answer the phone."
Immediately, the husband drove downtown to confront the drug...

A Latino was standing in line for a long time

While waiting for a Super-Deluxe Juicinator 9000TM, A Latin man was casually strumming a small ukulele to pass the time for the sale.

After a couple of hours, the man is at the counter with 3 other people nearby; one has AirPods, the second is uncomfortably close to the counter, while the th...

Something for that cough

The pharmacist needed a short break from the register so he left his son in charge: “just put on the coat and act like you know what you are doing. Ring up the sales as listed. What ever you do, DO NOT give anyone advice. I’ll be back soon”

After a few minutes, a man approached the “pharmac...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young woman goes to the supermarket, picks all her groceries, [offensive to some]

goes to the register and gives all her wares to the guy in the counter who scans it all. It’s one bread, one toothbrush, one toothpaste, one pack of salami, one apple, one banana, one bottle of milk and one small cheese. The guy behind the counter goes: «Let me guess: You’re single?» The woman sarca...

Drug store advice

A guy goes into a drug store to buy condoms.
"What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.


T...

A woman was at the supermarket

A woman was at the supermarket with her kid and was about to check out. When she got to the cash register, all she had was a backpack. The clerk asked her why she wanted the backpack since her kid was still very young. She responded, "I'm going to stuff my kid in the backpack and carry him around." ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bar, he goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

A man walks into a bar...

He goes up to the bartender and asks him if he likes to gamble.

The bartender says, "Sure, I'll take a bet. What's your action?"

The man offers a $50 bet that he can bite his own eyeball. The bartender, thinking it's easy money, accepts his bet, and is ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Freudian Slip (possibly NSFW)

Two friends were chatting it up, as friends often do, when one brings up Freudian Slips. He says, ”The craziest thing happened to me the other day. I was going to the big game with my son, and we finally got up to the ticket window. You would not believe the size of the tits on the lady working the ...

Sharing...

An elderly couple stands at the counter at the local burger joint. The man orders a deluxe burger, large fries, and a cup of decaf. The counter clerk turns to the woman and asks her what she would like.

“Oh, nothing for me, deary. My husband and I share everything.'”

The clerk hits a k...

On their way to get married a couple has a fatal car accident.

The couple are sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter turn up to register them. While waiting they wonder if they could possibly get married in Heaven. St. Peter finally shows up and they ask him.


St. Peter says, "I don’t know, this is the first time anyone ever asked...

A man dies and goes to hell

There he finds that there is a different hell for each country.

He goes to the German hell and asks,

"What do they do there?"

He told, "First they put you in an electric chair♨ for an hour.

Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour.

Then the German devil...

The date is January 31, 1990, and the Soviet Union has opened its first McDonalds...

A KGB agent walks up to order and says, “One vodka, please.”

The woman at the register looks and says, “Comrade, this is a McDonalds. We don’t serve vodka.”

The KGB agent looks surprised and says, “Excuse my mistake, comrade. One *McVodka*, please.”

I used to work at a sporting goods store...

And while I was there, the store had a policy that, in the absence of change in the register, we could hand customers their change in trading cards, which were worth about 25 cents apiece.

Now, on a particularly busy day, we'd run out of change in the registers, and this guy comes up with a f...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hand Jobs $20 (nsfw)

A man walks into a sandwich shop and looks at the menu board. It reads

Grilled Cheese - $3
Ham and Cheese $5
Roast Beef - $6
Hand jobs -$20

A beautiful blond with huge tits comes to the register and says "what will you have handsome?"

"Are you the one that gives the han...

I was having trouble dating but a girl finally asked me if I wanted to get coffee today.

Sure she was wearing an apron and standing behind a register but still. My dating life is spicing up.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The $50 Honesty Test

Three women were going for a job in a bank.
They were all asked the same question in their interview -
If you found $50 on the floor of the bank, what would you do with it?
The first woman says - "I would hand it straight into the management, it would be wrong of me to do anything else."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Skilled Frog

A woman walked into a pet store one day to get some supplies. She went up to the cash register to pay for them and she saw a sign next to a small fish tank that said, "Pussy eating frogs - $50. So not to be embarrassed she whispered to the cashier, "I'll take one of those." The cashier said, "Ok, no...

An old man walks into a coffee shop

He approaches the counter and notices a young teen playing on his phone. Without looking, the teen says:

"How can I help you?"

Old man: "I'll take a small coffee please"

Teen without looking:

"That'll be $0.75 cents please.

The old man annoyed at the teen digs into...

Just found out I will be in a children’s book...

Well it’s more of a register

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"I'd like some lettuce on my burger."

Cashier: Sir, can you spell the "tom" in tomatoes? Customer: T O M.
Cashier: OK Can you spell the "fuck" in lettuce?
Customer: There is no fuck in lettuce!
Cashier: exactly, we are out of lettuce.

An older gentleman came into work today when we were out of lettuce and told my friend...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

First time sex

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over ‪Friday night‬ to meet, and have a dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time. 
 
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex ...

[Long] Trying to find a date had been really difficult for me recently

I’d been having some mental health issues lately and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.

My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every da...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm never going grocery shopping again!

I was at the grocery store yesterday picking up some ingredients to make breakfast for the week. I already had a few essentials picked out like milk, eggs, and bacon. Yes, bacon is an essential. I moved to the cereal aisle but got stuck deciding between Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Fruity Pebbles, whic...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there's this duck...

...and one day he's walkin down the street when he gets a huge craving for some donuts. So he goes to the bakery and walks in and says to the baker "hey man can i get a dozen donuts, half glazed and half boston creme?" And the baker's like "No, you can't. We don't serve ducks here." And the duck's a...

Christopher Walken really wanted new shoes so he went to the shoe store.

He browsed the whole store until he came across a pair of boots. They were nicely made with gray leather and he really liked them but he preferred black boots. He asked the store manager if they sold them in black but unfortunately they did not. Christopher was disappointed and was going to leave th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man Walks into a Barbershop with a Big "Help Wanted" Sign

A Man Walks into a Barbershop with a Big "Help Wanted" Sign. He is quickly greeted by an eccentric and very talkative barber.

"Ah! Hello friend! Welcome to my barber shop. Let me sit you down and we can discuss the work at hand."

The barber sits him down in a worn leather chair and qui...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man walks into a bar...

He orders a beer, the bartender charges him $3.50, takes the $3 and puts it in the register, and puts the $0.50 in a large jar on the counter.

The guy finishes his beer and orders another. Again, he pays $3.50, $3 goes in the register, and the change into the jar.

Now it's a friday nig...

There are two music shops in town...

There are two music shops in town, Smiths' and Bakers'. Joe wanted a new instrument, so he went to Smiths' to pick one out.

After browsing for a long while, Joe decided that a lute was the one for him. He asked the salesman for the finest lute available. The salesman hungrily replied "No prob...

[NSFW] A teenager walks to a pharmacy one evening...

...and picks out a box of condoms to buy. Taking it to the register, the man behind the counter asked the teenager, "For what occasion?"

"I'm finally gonna bang my girlfriend tonight." The teenager said.

The man behind the register asked no more questions then bagged up the box of cond...

A girl walks into a supermarket

A girl walks into a supermarket. She picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then walks up to the cash register to pay.

The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, "I can tell you're single."

She smiles and responds, "How do you know that?"

He say...

A friend of mine told me this joke many years ago

An Indian man gets a job at a gas station in the middle of nowhere. On his first day, after the manager teaches him how to use the register, he tells the newcomer that he is going to be in the back to restock, and if the Indian guy needed any help, he should go to the back and ask him.

A cust...

A man goes to the store to buy some condoms

So he goes up to the register and quietly puts a pack of them on the counter.
The cashier looks at them and says "You know, we have a special on ribbed condoms if you're interested."
The guy says "They work the same?"
"I hear they work better"
"Well alright, what the hell" and he buys ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Pharmacy

Two spinster sisters own a pharmacy. One night when they are in the back room busily filling prescriptions a man approaches the cash register area dressed in a trench coat. Unknown to the sisters he took too many Viagras and has had an erection for the last 6 hours. As one of the sisters approaches ...

A pirate walks into McDonalds.

This pirate has a steering wheel between his legs, but doesn't seem to notice. As he places his order, the employee at the register keeps glancing at it awkwardly. Finally, as the pirate finishes ordering, the employee says "Sir, are you aware there's a steering wheel between your legs?" The pirate ...

My wife found out that our dog could hardly hear...

My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog’s ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from re...

Beware Dangerous Dog!

On the door of the general store, a customer noticed the sign DANGER! BEWARE OF DOG! He carefully entered the store, but once inside all he saw was a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register. He asked the store manager, “Is THAT the dog folks are supposed to beware of?”...

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math.

A father who is very much concerned about his son's bad grades in math decides to register him at a catholic school. After his first term there, the son brings home his report card: He's getting "A"s in math. The father is, of course, pleased, but wants to know: "Why are your math grades suddenly so...

First day at school

It's the first day of a new school year, and the class have been told there's a new kid who will be joining them.

A kid walks in late, and the teacher asks him "Why are you late?"

"I was throwing Rocks in the river, Sir", he replies.

The teacher grumbles, and registers him. The...

A man walks into a music store.

A man walks into a music store to buy a record for his father. As he approaches the counter with his record he notices that the clerk has put out Nickelback CDs next to the register with a tag thats reads "CD special, $0.05 no returns."

The man looks at the clerk and says " $0.05 for a Nickel...

A middle aged man needs to buy condoms, but he doesn't know what size he needs...

So he asks the cashier at the checkout line. She reaches over the counter, grabs his crotch, and calls out over the intercom, "Medium condoms needed at register 3!"

An older gentleman has the same problem later that day, so the woman grabs his crotch and calls out, "Large condoms needed at r...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into..

A man walks into a smoke shop, and notices a jar of loosies on the counter. “My god!” He says, “I didn’t know they still sold them like that. How much are they?”

The cashier hesitates a moment, and then tells the customer that he doesn’t know. It’s his first day on the job, see, and the mana...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Mr Lion goes down to the river to drink...

...and as he lowers his head to the water, Mr Chimp leaps down out of the trees, scampers up behind Mr Lion, yanks his tail to one side, and visits an unspeakable outrage upon the King of the Beasts!

He then scampers away, leaving Mr Lion crestfallen and vowing to revenge himself on the imp...

A Boy Asked His Crush Out To Prom...

A boy asked his crush to prom. His crush agreed, so the boy went to get a suit. There was a long line at the register, but the boy got the suit.

Then he went for a bouquet of flowers, there was another long line at the store, but he purchased the flowers.

Finally, he had to buy tickets...

A dinosaur goes to a supermarket

A dinosaur goes to the supermarket to do some grocery shopping. He gets to the register and the worker scans all his items. When all the scanning is done, and the dinosaur has to pay, the worker asks:

'So how are you paying today?'

The dinosaur replies:

'With tyrannosaurus check...

A Russian family gets pulled over...

A man is driving with his wife and small child. A militiaman pulls them over and makes the man take a breathalyzer test. “See,” the militiaman says, “you’re drunk.” The man protests that the breathalyzer must be broken and invites the cop to test his wife. She also registers as drunk. Exasperated, t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Passwords

"Sorry, your password has been in use for 90 days and has expired - you must register a new one."

roses

"Sorry, too few characters."

pretty roses

"Sorry, you must use at least one numerical character."

1 pretty rose

"Sorry, you cannot use blank spaces." ...

Why was six afraid of seven?

Because seven was on the Six Offender's Register.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Boy from Toronto

A boy stopped by a deli one early morning in Brooklyn hoping to get a job.

* "How are you with people, kid?" The owner inquired.

* *"Great," said the boy. "My previous job at a grocery store had me working cash registers and facing clients all day."*

* "Perfect," replied the...

A guy rushes into a pharmacy run by prudes...

Goes straight to the register and says in a loud voice "Gimme one condom."
The cashier lady is outraged. "Young man! You mind that tongue of yours!"
"Right. Gimme two condoms, then."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Did you hear about the man that sexually assaulted a Wal-Mart cashier?

He is a register 6 offender.

George's son

George goes to the Birth Registration Office to register his newborn son.

The man behind the counter asks the name he wants to give to
the boy, and the father replies: "Euro."

The man says that such a name is not acceptable, because it's a currency.

Says George: "What? There ...

A father and son walk into a gas station...

After grabbing a few snacks they walk up to the register to pay for everything.

The cashier says "sorry sir, but you have to swipe your card again."

Son: "dad, don't."

Father: *sweats profusely*

Cashier: "sir?"

Father: "but I'm not wearing a cardigan!"

Dad joke [OC]

*My dad with a coffee at the gas station cash register:*

Cashier: any gas with that?

Dad: no thanks, I drink mine black

It was almost prom season...

So it was almost prom season, and this guy was thinking about asking a girl to be his date. First he went to the craft store, because nowadays you have to be crazy and extravagant to ask someone to prom, just asking is too lame. Once he finally gets all of his stuff together, he goes to pay, and the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was getting ready to close his bar for the night when a robber with a ski mask burst in and pulls a gun.

He yells to him, "This is a stick-up! Put all your dough in this bag!"

The scared man pleads, "Don't shoot, please! I'll do as you say!"

The robber yells, "Shut up and empty the cash register!"

He says, "Okay, okay! Just don't shoot, I have a wife and kids! I'll do whatever y...

PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 13

A lady was picking up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the register, she learned that one of her items had no price tag.

Imagine her embarrassment when the cashier got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear: "PRICE CHECK ON AISLE 13,TAMPAX, SUPE...

What do you call a Jewish piano?

A cash register.

I was doing some shopping at the supermarket...

...and had a cart full of groceries and a lovely bouquet of flowers. Coincidentally, my wife walked in just as I was checking out.

She noticed the flowers I was buying and jokingly said "Those had better be for me!"

The teenager at the register turned and said "Even if they weren't, t...

Al Sharpton goes to Best Buy

Al Sharpton heads into best buy and is browsing the appliance section. He calls over a young white male employee.

Al: Hey young man, I'd like to register a complaint.
Best Buy Guy: What seems to be the issue sir?
Al: Well you see son, all of these washers are white! This is outrageous...

Today I went to the convenience store

to pick up some condoms. When I walked to the register with the condoms the clerk asked "Would you like a bag?" I replied "No, she's not that ugly"

A man walks into a grocery store

After getting all his food he brings it to the cash register to ring it up. The cashier says "that'll be $49.95", The man hands him a $100 bill and the cashier asks "do you have anything smaller? We've been having a rash of counterfeit bills lately"; the man reaches in his pockets and hands him a $5...

The Orange Cashier [Long]

A recent U.S. immigrant who spoke no English decided to get a job at the local supermarket.
On the first day of the job, a customer approaches him with a cart full of oranges and asks, "Are these oranges fresh?"

The cashier remains silent, so the customer leaves without purchasing the ora...

A man goes along to the Patent Office...

A man goes along to the Patent Office with some of his new designs.

He says to the clerk, "I'd like to register my new invention. It's a folding bottle."

"OK," says the clerk. "What do you call it?"

"A fottle, replies the inventor."

"A fottle? That's silly! Can't you thin...

A penguin is driving through Arizona...

A penguin is driving through Arizona in the middle of summer when smoke starts to emanate from the hood of his car. He pulls off the highway into a small town and luckily finds a mechanic. The mechanic tells the penguin it'll take him an hour to figure out what's wrong with his car and that if he's ...

A gorilla walks into a bar and orders a banana martini

Holding out a crisp twenty he says, "Bartender, bring me a banana martini."

The bartender is stunned: in all his years of bartending, he has never seen a gorilla patron. Or heard a talking gorilla. Or mixed a banana martini. Or seen a gorilla who knew how to count money. This gave him an ide...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The big date

Johnny's parents were sitting at the kitchen table when Johnny came rushing in the back door door, whizzing past and said, "Hi Mom, hi Dad" as he headed upstairs in an apparent rush. The mom looked at the dad and said, "Wonder what he's up to? You'd better check". With that the father headed upstai...

Sweet Old couple

A little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds one cold winter evening. They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who h...

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Password reset

A man was was unable to log into his online banking account and he pulled up the online chat support.

"I put in my password and I cannot access my account"

"Sorry that password has expired- you must register a new one."

"Did anyone discover that password and hack my computer?"...

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Excited About Marriage

Jacob, age 79, and Rebecca, age 76, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:

'Are you the owner?' The pharmacist answers yes. <...

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A guy goes to the supermarket..

He shops around for a while getting some items then proceeds to the register.

Cashier: "ok sir, six pack of beer, frozen lasagna, Doritos, hot pockets, and peanut butter. So how's single life?"

Guy "wow, you can tell I'm single because of the items I'm buying?"

Cashier: "no, it...

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A little old lady went to the grocery store...

A little old lady went to the grocery store to buy cat food. She picked up three cans and took them to the check out
counter.
The girl at the cash register said, "I'm sorry, but we cannot sell you cat food without proof that you have a cat. A lot of old people buy cat food to eat, and the man...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...