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World Record Jokes

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

I broke the world record.

Yes. I passed Usain Bolt and finished it in 9.7 seconds. But why isn't my wife happy?

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Guinness world record attempt !

Three roommates were hanging out in the living room one day, when one of them opened an email on their phone.

"Hey guys, the Guinness book of world records is coming to town! We should go get into it somehow!"

The shortest roommate, who was only 3 feet tall says "I'm going to go see if...

My neighbour is in the the GUINNESS WORLD RECORDS.

He's had 44 concussions. He lives very close to me. A stone's throw away, in fact.

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I attempted to break the world record for masturbating.

I nearly pulled it off.

Good News! I've just become the leap frog world record holder

On the downside I'm now banned from ever entering any mosque again!

This year's World Cup in Qatar has already broken a world record

The World Cup with the least amount of DUI's.

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There’s these three guys, and they’re sitting around a table.

The first guy says “You know what, I’m fast.
I think I’m so fast, I might be the fastest guy in the world”
So his buddies time him, take a picture, and send it to the Guinness book of world records.

The second guy says “You know what, I’m tall.
I think I’m so tall, I might be the...

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Chris Pratt, Jesus, and Hitler are sitting in a bar...

Jesus, Chris Pratt, and Hitler are sitting at a bar drinkin' a few brews.

Jesus says, "Hey we should all try and get in the Guinness Book of World Records!"

To which Chris Pratt replies, "Yeah, I bet I could get in it for most loved person in history."

Jesus then says, "and I be...

I just read that the world record for shoe size is 37...

That's no small feet!

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

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The best joke to tell at parties

3 guys find out that they have 3 weeks to live. They realize that they have nothing to show for in their lives, so they each decide to try getting into the Guinness Book of World Records. The first guys says, "I have pretty long arms, maybe I have the longest arms in the world!" The second guy says,...

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

John Clark has just won the world record for jumping over the most nuns in a military tank.

The last record was 10.5 nuns.

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

Wedding night world record

A young man returns to work after his honeymoon. His mates are all quizzing him about the wedding night.
"So Barry, how many times did you do it on the wedding night?"
Barry replies, "Seven times"
His mates are amazed. "Seven times! How did ya manage that ya legend?!"
Barry says, "Easy. ...

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

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The smallest penis

*John: insert name of person you tell the joke to.

So three guys sits at a bar.

First one goes - “I have the smallest feet in the world!” The other guys take a look at his feet and acknowledges his statement - “sure your feet must be the smallest in the world!”

Second guy then...

I’m going for the Guinness world record for wasting other people’s time.

Thanks for helping.

Of all the Guinness world records my Dad held...

He told me the one where he ate a grandfather clock was the most time consuming.

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

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Guinness Book of World Records

Recently I took a stroll through the forest when I met three dwarves. They started bragging:
"I bet I have the worlds smallest hands" said the first dwarf, the second dwarf said "I have the world smallest feet" and the last one claimed that he had the smallest dick on the planet.
I told them t...

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

How do you make a bimbo break the world record for holding her breath?

You put a mirror on the bottom of the pool

How do you break the world record for the fastest time down a mountain?

Climb the smallest mountain.

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The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

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Guinness Book of World Records

One day Tom, John, and Bill are sitting around and decide that they should try to make it into their favorite book, the Guinness Book of World Records.

Tom says, "hey I'm pretty tall, I think I could make the Guinness Book of World Records for the tallest man."

John says, "hey I'm pret...

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My dick was in the Guinness's book of world records

Up until the employee of the book store threw me out.

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Credit to some Israeli guy for the joke.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

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3 little people were gathered around a Guinness World Record book, and they all wanted in.

The first looked at his hands and said "I have small hands! I bet I can get in with these guys!"

The second looked at her feet saying "hey, I have small feet! I bet I can get in for the smallest feet!"

The third looked at (you probably guessed it) his penis, saying "okay... I'm a shoe-...

I told my wife I was going to cut my hair after breaking the world record for hair length.

But it really grew on me.

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[NSFW] The world record for the longest cumshot is 14 Feet.

"Was it a local dude?"

"No, he came from afar."

Credits to u/Moontoya

I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums

I broke a lot of records

*ba dum tis*

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

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Three guys walk into a bar and try to get Guinness World Records.

Guy 1: So I’ve been thinking: my head is pretty small. So I’m thinking, maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest head.

Guy 2: Actually, now that you mention it, my arm is pretty small. Maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest arm.

Guy 3: Well, I don’t li...

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

My friend told me he holds a world record in quilt making

I suspect his whole story is fabricated.

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Told by my friend years ago in high school [long] [nsfw]

Okay so let me start out by saying when telling this joke, you insert the name of the person you are telling it too. For this joke I will use the name John Johnson as it is the most generic name I can think of. Now for the joke.


Three men were standing in a bar, making small talk. The fir...

I Once Tried to Break the World Record for Most Records Broken

Suffice to say, the employees at Village Music World were not happy with me.

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

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I managed to get my dick into the Guinness book of world records...

But then they kicked me out of the library and threatened to call the police next time I showed face there ever again.

Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a copy of "Guinness World Records"??

He thought it was an L.P of Irish drinking songs

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

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Why is the man with the world record largest penis so depressed?

He just didn't fit in.

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My penis was in the Guinness Book of World Records, once.

That was the last time I was in charge of 'role-play' night with my wife.

Did you hear about the native American who tried to beat the world record for drinking the most tea?

The next day he was found dead in his tea pee

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