I know someone who’s an introvert and he ALMOST broke a world record.

He was just shy.

I broke the world record.

Yes. I passed Usain Bolt and finished it in 9.7 seconds. But why isn't my wife happy?

World record neighbour

My neighbour has proudly informed me that he has made the world record books.. for having the most concussions ever recorded... 147.

I was happy for him, after all he is a close neighbour, only living a stones throw away...

How did the speed runner beat the world record on hair stylist simulator?

He took a shortcut.

The world record for a drum solo is 10 hours and 17 minutes.

It’s held by the kid who sat behind me on American Airlines flight 86 from DFW to Paris.

A crazy man put a gun to my head and told me if I don't break the world record for the tallest filet mignon tower he would kill me and my family.

The steaks have never been higher.

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My girlfriend doesn’t think I can break the masturbating world record

I think I could pull it off

I told my wife I was going to cut my hair after breaking the world record for hair length.

But it really grew on me.

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Internet speed world record broken in Japan with 319Tb/s data transer speed

But still the contents will be blurry

The other day, I set a world record for the fastest Shake Weight reps..

.. on a side note, my doctor said I need to start taking my epilepsy medication regularly, but it slows me down.

My neighbour holds the Guinness world record for most concussions.

He lives very close, just a stone's throw away

A Guinness world record judge was fired for obsessing over pun world records

He would go on to describe the firing as the worlds biggest mistake

The current world record for longest joke...

The current world record for longest joke is 49 minutes. The next world record will be set at the end of Trumps Presidency

My friend told me that he wasn't sure if he would be able to set the world record for the quickest time to get undressed from a t shirt

I replied 'don't worry, I'm sure you can pull it off!'

I invented worlds hottest chilipowder to put in the Guinness World records book.

Just really tired to kick people out of my library.

I’m going for the Guinness world record for wasting other people’s time.

Thanks for helping.

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My penis made it into the Guinness Book of World Records!

Librarian told me to take it out though

[Long]A man who owned a clock shop wanted to set a world record.

He found one: Most battery powered devices he’d at once. He decided to use his clocks. As he was holding more and more, a crowd started to gather. However the man hadn’t been paying his taxes on time. An IRS guy saw him on his way to collect the mans taxes. He asked the man to pay his taxes. The man...

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My friend currently holds the world record for the smallest penis.

I’m guessing it would be really hard to beat.

How do you break the world record for the fastest time down a mountain?

Climb the smallest mountain.

A powerlifter recently set the world record for bench press after losing it a year ago. When asked how he felt after regaining his title, he said

“It’s a huge weight off my chest.”

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Tom: Did I tell you my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records?

Mike: I doubt it.

Tom: Its true!
But I got banned from the library.

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Did you hear about the guy who tried to break the world record for number of times masturbating in one day?

He almost pulled it off!

In 1939, an unusual farm animal named Gertrude became the first cow to climb to the peak of Everest carrying gear for the climbers, setting a world record that still stands unbroken.

Since then, the steaks have never been higher.

I think i got on the guiness book of world records for most octupus caught in a day

Sadly im not allowed back at the aquarium any more

Of all the Guinness world records my Dad held...

He told me the one where he ate a grandfather clock was the most time consuming.

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After years of failure Jerry finally broke the world record for the longest ejaculation. (18 feet and 9 inches)

He did what no man could that came before him

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My friend thinks I can set the masturbation world record.

Honestly, I don't think I can pull it off.

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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

I’m trying to set the world record for counting from 0 to 1 in the fastest time. I will never give up, even if I can’t ever see and end in sight.

Currently on 0.876278134

Do you know who holds the world record for time spent in a cave?

It turns out it's actually a Thai

A man broke the Guinness World Record by playing the same piano key 1,000 times in 1 minute

He then went home and broke the world record for most satisfied girlfriend.

What do you get when you break the world record for “not moving for the longest amount of time”?

A certificate and atrophy.

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Three guys walk into a bar and try to get Guinness World Records.

Guy 1: So I’ve been thinking: my head is pretty small. So I’m thinking, maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest head.

Guy 2: Actually, now that you mention it, my arm is pretty small. Maybe I could get the Guinness World Record for smallest arm.

Guy 3: Well, I don’t li...

Did you hear about the Irishman who bought a copy of "Guinness World Records"??

He thought it was an L.P of Irish drinking songs

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I recently attempted the world record for masturbation.

I nearly pulled it off

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

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The Guinness Book of World Records mislabeled the world record for the world’s largest penis.

They claimed the record holder was ‘Donald J Trump’, who then tweeted out the error, claiming his thing was big, but not that big.

GWR corrected themselves with a reprint two days later, instead saying he isn’t the record holder, but instead, he is the record,

A sprinter is training one day when he beats the world record.

After this he wakes up in the hospital with a concussion and a completely shattered foot.
"I'm afraid this happens sometimes in jokes," says the doctor, "and frankly you got off lightly. You reached the limit of what the laws of physics allow for and hit the fourth wall."

"Does this mean I...

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I managed to get my dick into the Guinness book of world records...

But then they kicked me out of the library and threatened to call the police next time I showed face there ever again.

A man who breaks the world record for longest survived coma is rewarded with

atrophy

What is the world record for the most Chinese food eaten in one sitting?

Roughly wonton.

I tried getting into Guinness World record by smashing up music albums

I broke a lot of records

*ba dum tis*

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[NSFW] The world record for the longest cumshot is 14 Feet.

"Was it a local dude?"

"No, he came from afar."

Credits to u/Moontoya

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My dick was in the Guinness's book of world records

Up until the employee of the book store threw me out.

--------------------------------------------------------
Credit to some Israeli guy for the joke.

Stephen Fry broke a world record when he read the entire Harry Potter series live on BBC Radio 4.

Listeners were disappointed that he didn't read it out loud...

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Guinness Book of World Records

Recently I took a stroll through the forest when I met three dwarves. They started bragging:
"I bet I have the worlds smallest hands" said the first dwarf, the second dwarf said "I have the world smallest feet" and the last one claimed that he had the smallest dick on the planet.
I told them t...

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Guinness Book of World Records

One day Tom, John, and Bill are sitting around and decide that they should try to make it into their favorite book, the Guinness Book of World Records.

Tom says, "hey I'm pretty tall, I think I could make the Guinness Book of World Records for the tallest man."

John says, "hey I'm pret...

Did you hear about the native American who tried to beat the world record for drinking the most tea?

The next day he was found dead in his tea pee

My friend told me he holds a world record in quilt making

I suspect his whole story is fabricated.

I hold the world record for procrastination.

I can show you later if you want.

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3 men walk into a The Guinness Book of world records HQ.

the first man claims he has the worlds smallest arm.

the second man claims he has the worlds smallest foot.

the third man claims he has the worlds smallest penis.

after being tested? by the Guinness Book of Records, the first man said "wow, i really have the worlds smallest arm!...

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Why is the man with the world record largest penis so depressed?

He just didn't fit in.

Did you hear about the guy who broke 17 world records while sitting on a pastry?

He's on a roll!

I Once Tried to Break the World Record for Most Records Broken

Suffice to say, the employees at Village Music World were not happy with me.

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Ya know, my dick was in the Guinness Book of World Records once...

Wasn't for very long though. Librarian told me to put the book down and get the fuck out before she called the cops.

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Farmer Greg

A seasoned farmer named Greg had finally mastered his craft. He toiled day and night to understand every detail to growing the perfect crop. After 30 years he had made enough money to retire, but Greg wanted more. He wanted local recognition and fame.


So he decided to grow the state’s ...

Being Asian at the Olympics

Child: Wins Bronze

Parent: Could have won silver


Child: Wins Silver

Parent: Could have won gold


Child: Wins Gold

Parent: Could have broken the World Record (WR)


Child: Broke WR

Parent: Could have been a Doctor

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3 men get drunk at a bar...

The first guy goes: "You know what? My arm is really small, like, really really small. I reckon it's legitimately the smallest arm in the world"

The second guy goes: "Come to think of it, my head is tiny, I think I have the smallest head in the world"

Third guy goes: "I've never told...

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Three dwarves are sitting around having a few drinks

Dwarf #1 says:

Sometimes I get bummed out being a dwarf. But at least it is good for something. The other day I was flipping through the Guinness Book of World Records, and I found out that I have the shortest arms in the world.

The other two dwarves don't believe him. So they get a co...

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3 guys walk into a bar...

3 guys walk into the bar, and soon begin a competition.

The first man says, "I have small arms, I bet I have the smallest arms in the world!"

The second man carries on, "I have tiny feet, I bet I have the smallest feet in the world!"

The third man stands up proudly, and announce...

Did you hear about the Irishman who drank 30 beers in 30 minutes?

It was a Guinness world record.

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