UPJOKE
disksaucerrecordplatterfloppycassettevinylalbumsoundtrack78lpaudiodiscuscdpuck

Sadly that shop didn’t have any small shiny discs either.

“Sorry”, said the cashier, “we don’t have any in stock.”

A lady went into an embroidery shop to buy some fancy beads for her dress.

So she tried another shop down the road.

Like this joke, the shops were all out of sequins.

Your mum is so fat

Before she was buried the earth was a disc.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got my dick stuck in a DVD disc the other day.

I fucked **Up**.

I taught my young daugther to switch out the discs in my PS4 for me.

It was a real game changer.

If you play a Windows Vista disc backwards, you can hear satanic chanting...

...what's worse, if you play it forwards, it installs Vista.

I made a vinyl disc with grooves in 2 minutes.

I think that’s a record.

A bee decided to become a disc jockey. They called it a BJ.

It really sucks though.

Jesus and floppy discs are very similar

They both died to become the image of saving

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

what do you call a pansexual person named nick who works at a disc company?

Pan nick at the disc co

A company in my town manufactures tile discs...

but their machine can only make them so fast before it starts wrecking them. I found a function that solves the problem simply by improving the machine’s code, but they laughed when I told them I had a wrecked tile disc function.

Two guys are playing disc golf...

The first guy throws his putt, it bounces off the basket and rolls back right past him. In exasperation he exclaims "I swear to God!" as the disc goes by. When the second player throws his putt, it goes wide but gets a lucky bounce off a nearby tree and ricochets back into the basket. In a fit of jo...

Why are the brake discs of Miley Cyrus' car shaped like a human organ?

'cause nothing brakes like a heart.

over the weekend I've trained my wife to swap discs for me in my PS4....

what a game changer

Have you heard about the device that automatically swaps out Xbox discs for you?

It's a game changer.

My friend invented a machine that can take a disc out of a console, then put a new one in

It's a game changer

Why did the movie critic give the movie he received on a burned disc a 3.14/5?

Because it was pi-rated.

what did they call the disc jockey who kept playing the same songs again and again?

DJ Vu

What do you call a dj-ing kangaroo?

Disc joey

Kids don't know how good they have it

When I hear all the people complaining about the Nanochip that is implanted with the Covid vaccine I think about when I was young and had to swallow a whole floppy disc for the Polio vaccine

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Ultimate frisbee guys only want one thing...

And it’s fucking disc chucking

A young doctor an an old doctor were standing in a hospital, trying to out-diagnose each other.

The competition was heating up, and the next correct diagnosis would be the winner.

Just then an old man hobbles by, walking carefully with short, shuffling steps. He has an IV tower with him and appears to be leaning on it for support.

The young doctor snaps his fingers and says “I g...

I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.



"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

Why was Oedipus the most emo Greek king?

He panicked at the disc-throw.

Do you know how flat-earthers call 2020?

Panic! At The Disc

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I got a new porno the other day

I turned on my tv, popped the disc in and the first thing I saw was some fat guy staring at me holding his dick. Then I realized the tv didn't turn on.

How do computers form intimate relations?

They insert the floppy into the disc drive.

Did you hear about the 70s style record company that burned down?

Yeah, it was a disc co. Inferno!

What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?

E-Reptile Disc Function

So I purchased a DVD called “Fyre Festival: Behind the Scenes”

It cost $100 and there was no disc in the case

A kid has a pear-shaped head

The poor kid is feeling down because everyone at school teases him about his pear-shaped head. One day he can no longer take the teasing and says to the kids teasing him, "I can't help having a pear-shaped head, my mom ate a pear when she was pregnant with me."
"That's not how it works," one of t...

I had a dream last night...

In my dream I was watching a band play. Buddha was playing guitar, Jesus was playing bass, Mohammed was singing, and Zeus was playing the drums. After the show, Zeus came down and gave me a large metal disc. I think it was a cymbal from god.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was this 80 year old virgin...

There was this 80 year old virgin that started getting itchy... down there....

So, she goes to the gynecologist. The dr does the examination and reports "ma'am, i'm sorry to tell you, but it appears you've contracted an STD. We'll need to do further testing to confirm." The lady is outraged! ...

Red Neck Computer Dictionary

* LOG ON: Makin’ a woodstove hot.
* LOG OFF: Don’t add no more wood.
* MONITOR: Keepin’ an eye on the wood stove.
* DOWNLOAD: Gittin’ the farwood off the truck.
* MEGA HERTZ: When you’re not keerfull gittin’ the farwood.
* FLOPPY DISC: Whutcha git from trying to tote too much far...

When my grandfather passed away, we were surprised

. . . to discover a small locked box in his closet. No one in the family had ever seen it before and no one could provide any guess as to what it might contain. Curiosity eventually overtook us and we brought the box to a locksmith to be opened. Inside were some trophies, many small discs and a c...

My 7 year old niece didn't realize she made a joke while playing Star Wars with me.

Me (Darth Vader): What have you done with those plans?!?
Her (Leia): It's over there in that little box.
Me: How can a disc fit in that little box?
Her: It was a floppy disc.

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