UPJOKE
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I’ve decided to name my son Mark.

That way, when I die, at least I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

what do you call Mark Zuckerberg fighting a crocodile?

Alien VS Predator!

Woman: "Doctor...I have 2 green marks on the inside of my thigh!!"

"Does your husband have pierced ears?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Tell him, his earrings aren't gold."

Pontius Pilate: “As a gesture of goodwill to mark the beginning of Passover, we will release one prisoner.”

Crowd:

PP: “It’s part of my new Pilate program.”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO

Mark Zuckerberg’s car hit someone’s car

Guy: *angry* Do you know who I am?!

Mark: Yes, your name is Andrew Smith, you have 122 friends out of which 30 are females, and your wife has 652 friends and 600 of them are males. Last year she messaged with a guy named Michael…

Guy: OKAY. Enough! The accident was my fault, just leave...

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire were finally able to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame by using a Jedi mind trick...

"These are not the 'roids you're looking for ..."

Mummy, what are those scratch marks all over your body?

Santa claws, darling.

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I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John walk into a Jewish bar

Bartender says, "Well this is New"

Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?

She was the queen of denial

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A young man decided it was time to come out to his family.

He was worried most about his grandmother, so he approached her in the kitchen.

"Grandma, I, uh, have to tell you something."

"Yes, sweety?"

"I, uh, I'm gay."

"Gay?" His heart stopped. "Does that mean you put men's things in your mouth?"

"Grandma!!!!"

"Wel...

I'm aware of the Mark Twain Prize for American Humor.

But an award specific to pun-craft rings nobel.

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

Why cant gandalf mark tests?

Because he always tells the students ‘YOU…SHALL NOT PASS!’

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A very old joke from a very old book (80's book) in Hebrew I remember to this day (Translated) - insane people in an airplane.

I rephrased it a bit so you could understand it better:
A commercial plane filled with insane people is flying from one place to another.


All of a sudden, the flying crew (Captain & Co-pilot) hears a really big noise from the cabin, and the plane feels like it's shaking.
<...

My buddy Mark stole my dictionary once

As he was running away I yelled “Mark my words!”

What do you call a candy cane with graduated markings?

A measure-mint device.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?" Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."

"Not bad doc!" she says. "Not bad at all!...

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

James and Rob went fishing

James and Rob went fishing. They caught a lot of fish and returned to the shore.

**James:** I hope you remember the spot where we caught all these fish.

**Rob:** Yes, I marked X on the side of the boat to mark the spot.

**James:** You idiot! How do we know we will get the sam...

Girls going to do a checkup

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

\- "How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

\- "Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard ...

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I've got a joke about poo with teeth marks on it.

It's a bit shit.

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A professional gambler dies and goes to Heaven.

A gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder.....

Einstein, Heisenberg, Pascal and Newton are playing hide and seek

Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting. While Heisenberg and Pascal run off and hide, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground, then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ground, he yells, "Ha, I've found you, ...

gonna mark this for reposting :) (jk it's original)

What is a redditor's most hated fencing move?

The repost.

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Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide.The dentist ...

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid...

If they had used a "G", nobody would ever have found their treasure.

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

The trainee competition judge arrived at the village fair

He meets his mentor at the entrance.

"Nice to meet, nice to meet, nice to meet you," stammers the mentor. "Forgive my, forgive my, forgive my speech impediment."

"Please, don't worry about it," says the trainee.

They head off to judge the villagers' chilli peppers. They come to...

Don't read this, it's too long and not at all funny.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out. So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to...

"Why have you got those marks on your knees?"

her friend asked.

"Oh, it's making love, doggie style."

"Well, why don't you change positions?"

"I'm willing, but the dog isn't."

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

My son came to me & said: 'Can I have a book mark?'

14 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Jeff

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

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What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?

Steve's not a cunt.

Why would Mark Zuckerberg be a very good taxi driver?

You get in the car and he already knows your name and where you live

To the English teacher that stole my calendar...

Your days are numbered. Mark my words.

My mum said to me, "can you please pass me a book mark?"

Absolutely broken. 25 years old and she doesn't know my name is Scott.

This got me

A preacher says to his congregation “Next week I will talk about the sin of lying. To help you understand, I’d like all of you to read Mark 17.”

The next Sunday, the preacher asks who’d read it, with every hand going up. He smiles and says “Mark only has 16 chapters. I will now proceed with m...

My Son asked me to explain how Government work

So I told him. They measure with a micrometer, mark with chalk and cut with Axe.

All-Natural

When my wife and I had our first child we were very much into natural childbirth, a midwife, and all of the "back to nature" stuff we could find. In our researches we found out that olive oil can be used to help eliminate stretch marks and any tearing "down below" due to helping the skins natural ab...

What do you call Mark Zuckerberg getting therapy?

Tech support

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A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.

When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it pres...

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

"I do not tolerate tardiness," a professor tells his class at the beginning on the semester.

Looking out at the sea of stricken faces in the large lecture hall he continues. "There are 300 of you, and only one of me. I will not allow you to waste my time. If you are late to class, I will count you as absent for the day. If you hand in an assignment late, it will not count towards your grade...

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(An old joke I heard. So sorry if I mess up with the wording.) A dead body was found floating in the river.

..The police recovered it, and found a wallet with the body. They found out that the wallet belonged to Mr. Smith. But they still weren't sure if the dead body was of Mr. Smith or not.

So they did some investigation and found out about the twin brothers Mark and Harry, who were very close fri...

A minister told his congregation:

"Next week I plan to preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I want you all to read Mark 17."

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many had read Mark 17. Nearly every hand went up. <...

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

Air Force weatherman

So, my uncle Mark was a weatherman for the air force and one day during a briefing, the Colonel said, "I think we should all thank Mark here for the wonderful weather that we've been having for our bombing runs."
So my uncle says, "I'm in prediction, not production. I think we need to thank the ...

Why do female prisoners never stay in jail for longer than 3 weeks?

Periods always mark the end of a sentence.

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

Little Johnny brought home his history test result, it was 90.

His father was so happy with it. However, his mother, Karen, just couldn't believe her son got 90 in history.

After taking a closer look at the marks, she found that the handwriting style of the 9 and the 0 are different.

"Johnny, you are so busted. Tell me, did you add the 0 to yo...

Whats the difference between a dead dog on the side of the road, and a dead politician on the side of the road?

The skid marks infront of the dog.

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A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

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An Italian wants a job [read in an accent]

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'W...

It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark

Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."

Do you know why “Chicken Run” was as an marked explicit movie?

It has fowl language

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

A boy walks up to Mark Zuckerberg

The boy says: “My daddy said you were stealing out information”

Mark Zuckerberg replies: “He isn’t your dad”

A Sunday school teacher was giving her class the assignment for the next week.

"Next Sunday," she said, "we are going to talk about liars, and in preparation for our lesson I want you all to read the seventeenth chapter of Mark."

The following week, at the beginning of the class meeting, the teacher said, "Now then, all of you who have prepared for the lesson by reading...

Teacher: Mark, tell me the chemical formula of water

Mark: It's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Teacher: That's not correct. How did you think of that?

Mark: You said it was H to O.

I'm not yet sure which one of these iceboxes to mark as defective.

But I'll cross that fridge when I come to it.

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A man is driving his car in the countryside

When suddenly the car stops.

The man gets out and opens the Hood to check what is wrong ,he spends around 5 minutes but cannot find where is the problem.

Suddenly he hears a voice saying :" It' s the distributor ".

He turns around but cannot see anyone ,there is nothing but tre...

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

Two men, Mark and Steve and a woman were having a threesome

And suddenly they hear the woman's husband pulling into drive way. Startled, men could not find proper places to hide. Mark goes into cupboard and Steve climbs into attic, hoping that husband wouldn't notice.

Husband enters the bedroom, sees his wife lying naked and goes into bed with her. Fe...

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A guy walks into a pharmacy

and says to the pharmacist, "Listen, I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had three girls at once. I need something to keep me ready and keep me potent."
The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label \*...

What is Mark Zuckerberg's favorite VR game?

Monopoly

The Marriage,,,

Paula, a mother was anxiously awaiting her daughter
Janet's plane to land. Janet had just come back from abroad trying to find
adventure during her gap year. As Janet was exiting the plane, Paula
noticed a man directly behind her daughter dressed in feathers with exotic
marking...

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

Why did Lenin mark the names of traitors with ? at the end

Because they question Marx

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

Girls, if a guy remembers your birthday, saves your pictures knows what you enjoy and understands your family and friends,

This guy is not your man.
This guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

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Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mas...

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, "If you cross this mark, I'll hit you in the face."

That was the punchline.

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The Facebook company has changed its name to Meta

This reminds me of the time I was at a function with Mark Zuckerberg.

I Meta morally corrupt, reptile looking asshole.

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A joke my dad told me...

A young American man went to Scotland to see the sights, he travelled from village to village, admiring the architecture and stonework, all the rustic buildings and cozy homes.

So he decides in one of the villages to stop at a sleepy little pub. There's an old man sitting at the bar alone, no...

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A small boy

named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"
One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother hone...

What do you call a mark hamil when he weighs 2000 pounds?

Hamilton

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

Ol' Jed

Ol' Jed was sitting on his porch when his youngest grandson walked up to him.

"Granpa, how did you get to live so to be so old?"

"What, I'm only 85!" he exclaimed before snorting. "Well, let me tell you something. Every morning I sprinkle just a little gunpowder into my oatmeal. It'...

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There was a guy named Nobody, a guy named Mark and a girl named Stupid.

Stupid and Mark were dating. Nobody fell from the window while cleaning it so Mark called 911 and said: "Nobody fell out of the window!".

Operator: "Are you fucking Stupid?".

Mark: "No I fucked her yesterday".

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

It would be cool meeting Mark Zuckerberg

He knows everything about you, your interests, etc.

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

An Arab walks into a bra store owned by Jewish guy.

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 100." The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop ...

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

She's completely dotty.

Cannibals

Recently, a large corporation hired several cannibals to increase their diversity. "You are all part of our team now," said the Human Resources rep during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any employees....

My wife uses fabric softener. I never knew what that stuff was for. Then I noticed women coming up to me, sniffing, then saying under their breath,

"Married!" and walking away. Fabric Softeners are how our wives mark their territory. We can take off the ring, but it's hard to get that April fresh scent out of your clothes.

Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

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I was at a party once. I was like, “Aahh, that Caitlyn Jenner...

...she’s kind of weird looking.“

Some girl goes, “Hey, she’s beautiful.“

And I was like, “Well, you kinda look like her.“

And she was like, “Fuck you.“

*thanks, Mark Normand*

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

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