The 105+ Best Mark Jokes

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

My friend Mark works in a library

He is a bookmark.

Today my son asked, "Can you lend me a book mark?"

I immediately burst into tears.

12 years old and he doesn't know my name is Brian

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

Mark and his wife were driving along a country road.

They weren't speaking to each other due to an earlier argument. As they passed a particularly rural stretch, they spotted a couple of monkeys in the treetops. "Relatives of yours?", asked Mark sarcastically.

"Yes," she replied. "My in-laws."

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

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I once dated a German girl that used to give me marks out of ten for sex...

she particularly liked anal, every time I put it in she screamed nein! nein! nein!

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After an amazing 69 with his girlfriend, Mark remembered he had a dentist appointment.

He was afraid that the dentist would smell pussy on his breath so he brushed his teeth 7 times and on top of that 2 liters of mouthwash.
As he arrived at the dentist he chewed 5 strong mints too.
The dentist told him to take a seat. Feeling confident & relaxed he opened his mouth wide....

I keep slightly messing up my attempts at wordplay, I hope my eleventh attempt hits the mark......

....no pun in ten has.

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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.

"That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read." She scolded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"

"Just two words, miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."

I'm shit at maths, too.

I want to know what the fear of question marks is called...

But I'm afraid to ask.

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Why did the skid mark lose the election?

It ran a smear campaign

Credit - Amazon Alexa (seriously, I asked my Alexa to tell me a poop joke and this is what she said)

Mark Zuckerberg writes poetry about writing poetry

He calls it Meta verse.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

Mark Twain at a dinner at the Author's Club, said:

Speaking of fresh eggs, I am reminded of the town of Squash. I my early lecturing days I went to Squash to lecture in Temperance Hall, arriving in the afternoon. The town seemed poorly billed. I thought I'd find out if the knew anything at all about what was in store for them.

'Good aftern...

What did Elon Musk say to Mark Zuckerberg?

Hold my beer!

Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid.

If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.

How do budtenders mark which strain is which?

Hashtags

A Man And A Woman Get Into An Argument About Infidelity

The man is suspicious of his wife so he starts interrogating her asking her question after question.

The wife answers every question truthfully and even calls her friends or coworkers so that they can confirm too.

But this wasn't enough for her husband so he keeps on arguing and askin...

In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.

If the mark of a great performance is always leave them wishing there was more

Then I’m great in bed

what do you call Mark Zuckerberg fighting a crocodile?

Alien VS Predator!

Matthew, Mark, Luke, and John walk into a Jewish bar

Bartender says, "Well this is New"

Why couldn't Cleopatra accept Mark Anthony's death?

She was the queen of denial

Mark Zuckerberg’s car hit someone’s car

Guy: *angry* Do you know who I am?!

Mark: Yes, your name is Andrew Smith, you have 122 friends out of which 30 are females, and your wife has 652 friends and 600 of them are males. Last year she messaged with a guy named Michael…

Guy: OKAY. Enough! The accident was my fault, just leave...

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A girl goes to the doctor’s complaining of a strange mark on her chest.

When she shows it to the doctor, he sees a letter C imprinted on her breasts.

“How did you get this?” he enquires.

“It’s my boyfriend. He wears a medallion around his neck which has a C on the end of it, representing the university he goes to – Cambridge. And when we make love, it pres...

Woman: "Doctor...I have 2 green marks on the inside of my thigh!!"

"Does your husband have pierced ears?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Tell him, his earrings aren't gold."

In 7th grade we had a quiz where we were asked "what did France set up during the French Revolution." They marked me wrong and I'm still a little upset about it.

I still maintain "tons and tons of guillotines" is a correct answer

Pontius Pilate: “As a gesture of goodwill to mark the beginning of Passover, we will release one prisoner.”

Crowd:

PP: “It’s part of my new Pilate program.”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO

If 666 is the mark of the beast...

... and the beast is pure evil wouldn't 25.8069758011278803 technically be the root of all evil?

Barry Bonds and Mark McGwire were finally able to get into the Baseball Hall of Fame by using a Jedi mind trick...

"These are not the 'roids you're looking for ..."

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

Why would Mark Zuckerberg be a very good taxi driver?

You get in the car and he already knows your name and where you live

gonna mark this for reposting :) (jk it's original)

What is a redditor's most hated fencing move?

The repost.

A man dies and his three best friends, Matthew, Mark and James are looking at his body in the coffin.

Matthew says "He was such a good friend. I don't want him to go to his maker empty handed" and he throws $200 in cash into the coffin. Mark says he agrees and also throws in $200 in cash.

James says "You cheap-skates! I'm ashamed of you and I'm going to give him $1,000." He then writes out a ...

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What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and my neighbour Steve?

Steve's not a cunt.

Teacher: Mark, tell me the chemical formula of water

Mark: It's H-I-J-K-L-M-N-O

Teacher: That's not correct. How did you think of that?

Mark: You said it was H to O.

As the teacher marked my quiz answers, she said, "This is wrong."

"Question 2 ?" I asked.

"No, the way your hand is resting between my thighs."

A teacher's letter to a parent: "Dear Parent, Mark, your son, doesn't smell nice in school. Kindly encourage him to take his bath."

Parent replies: "Dear Teacher, Mark is not a rose flower. Don't smell him, just teach him! Thank you."

Whats a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

Period.

Because it marks the end of a sentence.

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I've got a joke about poo with teeth marks on it.

It's a bit shit.

A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so ...

Mark is 5 feet, 6 inches tall

Mark likes dating taller women.

So, Mark was so excited to find a girl on a dating site who's bio said that she is 5 feet, 10 inches tall.

He was even more excited to see that her bio said that she likes dating shorter guys.

Mark chats with this girl for a while, and they eventu...

Mummy, what are those scratch marks all over your body?

Santa claws, darling.

My Grandfather saw the Titanic. He shouted loudly to all within earshot "that ship is going to sink!". He was ignored. But he kept it up "Mark my words. That ship will sink on her maiden voyage!"

Eventually the ushers threw him out of the theater.

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Mike and Mark

Mike and Mark are identical twin brothers.

Mike is a really good guy. Helps his friends in need, visits their mother regularly and is a pillar of their community.

Mark is a real ass. Self-centered, steals from his friends ignores their mother and is an all around douche bag.

...

Why cant gandalf mark tests?

Because he always tells the students ‘YOU…SHALL NOT PASS!’

What do you call Mark Zuckerberg getting therapy?

Tech support

Yo momma is so fat…

…her car has stretch marks.

My wife asked why I talked so quietly today, I told her I was afraid mark zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed, I laughed, Siri laughed and Alexa laughed!

-James Franco

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Today marks 5 weeks of isolation...

I'm walking 2 miles a day, no meat, dairy or flour. Eating fresh vegetables and home cooked meals every day. The change has been fantastic! I feel great!

Zero alcohol, a healthy diet, gluten free, caffeine free, sugar free and a 1 hour home workout each day! Lost 20 lbs and gained muscle mas...

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

A girl goes into the doctor's office for a checkup.

As she takes off her blouse, the doctor notices a red 'H' on her chest.

"How did you get that mark on your chest?" asks the doctor.

"Oh, my boyfriend went to Harvard and he's so proud of it he never takes off his Harvard sweatshirt, even when we make love," she replies.

A couple...

A boy walks up to Mark Zuckerberg

The boy says: “My daddy said you were stealing out information”

Mark Zuckerberg replies: “He isn’t your dad”

It’s no longer legal to use hash marks to count in Afghanistan

This is because of the new tally ban rule.

Ryan Reynolds, Randall Park, Birdy, Daisy Ridley, Arnold Schwarzenegger, Chris Evans, Margot Robbie, Mark Ruffalo, Taylor Swift, and Donald Trump are playing Among Us.

They start by picking a color.

Trump declares he is Orange: “ I will be Orange because that’s my skin color!”

Daisy then adds, “If you wanna ridicule yourself then fine, I’ll pick blue.

Taylor Swift: “Cyan for the sky.”

Mark Ruffalo: “Hulk green, Hulk pick GREEEEEEN!”
...

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"I just don't feel sexy after the pregnancy," complained my wife. "My stretch marks are the worst. You can't tell me those are attractive."

"Nonsense," I replied. "I've always wanted a partner with washboard abs!"
[OC]

"Why have you got those marks on your knees?"

her friend asked.

"Oh, it's making love, doggie style."

"Well, why don't you change positions?"

"I'm willing, but the dog isn't."

It's Important To Know When To Use A Period And When To Use A Question Mark

Otherwise you might tell someone "your daughter is having their first question mark."

Two men, Mark and Steve and a woman were having a threesome

And suddenly they hear the woman's husband pulling into drive way. Startled, men could not find proper places to hide. Mark goes into cupboard and Steve climbs into attic, hoping that husband wouldn't notice.

Husband enters the bedroom, sees his wife lying naked and goes into bed with her. Fe...

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

The convicted Australian criminal Mark "Chopper" Reid, who had his ears cut off in prison, wrote a book called No Tears for a Tough Guy.

Maybe it should've been called No Ears for a Tough Guy.

I'm not yet sure which one of these iceboxes to mark as defective.

But I'll cross that fridge when I come to it.

What do you call a mark hamil when he weighs 2000 pounds?

Hamilton

An Englishman, an Irishman, a Scotsman and a Welshman all get caught by the Iraqis. Sounds painful, but the head captor tells them "You are all to be shot- but it is tradition and a mark of honour to grant the first four prisoners of war whatsoever they wish before they are executed."...

...The Welshman says "Well then. It'd be bladdy magic to hear an 'undred members of the Welsh male voice choir all singing 'Land of my Fathers'. Smashin'. Yaki Da!."

The Scotsman says "Wehw, Ah wanna hund'ed bag-pipers aw playin' 'Flower of Scotland'."

Then the Irishman says "Oi tink O...

Communist puns are great and all, but too many of them are just replacing the word "marks" with "Marx."

If you want to be original, you should really approach them from some different Engels.

Why did Lenin mark the names of traitors with ? at the end

Because they question Marx

So Mark Zuckerberg and The Pope walk into a bar...

They sit down when suddenly Mark spills his drink on The Popes' robes. They get into a fight. A film crew recorded them duking it out and made a film out of it...

Alien vs Predator

Two drunk guys were about to get into a fight, when one draws a line in the dirt and slurs, "If you cross this mark, I'll hit you in the face."

That was the punchline.

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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

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What did the skid mark say to the toilet bowl?

I'm gonna get pissed off in a minute.

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The Italian math challenge

An Italian workman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here's your first question,' the foreman said. 'Without using numbers, represent the number 9.'

'Withouta numbers?' the Italian says, 'Datsa easy.' and he proceeds to draw three trees.

'...

What is Mark Zuckerberg's favorite VR game?

Monopoly

Do you know why “Chicken Run” was as an marked explicit movie?

It has fowl language

It's my cake day, so I wanna share my favorite joke :-)

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

What's the difference between Elon Musk and Mark Zuckerberg?

One's a human trying to conquer Mars and the other is an alien trying to conquer Earth.

Note: This joke isn't mine, I heard it somewhere but I forgot where, if it's already been posted send me the link and I'll remove it.

The troubles of foreigners in Canada

A patron in a Montreal restaurant turned on a tap in the washroom and got scalded.

"This is an outrage," he complained. "The faucet marked 'C' gave me boiling water."

"But, Monsieur, 'C' stands for chaud – French for hot. You should know that if you live in Montreal."

"Wait a...

What do you call somebody who hates pencil marks because they're black?

Erasist.

It would be cool meeting Mark Zuckerberg

He knows everything about you, your interests, etc.

I was really angry at my friend Mark for stealing my dictionary.

I told him, "Mark, my words!"

Teacher: What's the most important punctuation mark?

Little Johnny: The period?

Teacher: Correct. Can you tell me why?

Little Johnny: I'm not sure, but when my sister missed hers, my mom fainted, my dad had a heart attack , and the next door neighbor shot himself.

One of my favorite actors is Mark Ruffalo, but I’ve always wondered...

How many buffalo could Mark Ruffalo buffalo, if Mark Ruffalo could buffalo buffalo?

The cast of Star Wars VII just finished their first read through (spoilers)

Mark Hamill pulled JJ Abrams to the side and said "Can I have a word?"

My sister just had a baby boy. They have decided to call it Mark, but with a C....

Cark.

Two billionaires, Bill and Mark are talking:

Bill: "Do you know how to become a millionaire?"

Mark: "How?"

Bill: "Get married."

I never understood why Mark Zuckerberg bought Instagram for $1 billion dollars.

What an idiot. He could’ve just gotten it for free on the App Store.

I will never forget a quote by Mark Zuckerberg that is often misattributed to Voltaire:

“While I disapprove of what you say, I will defend to the death my right to make money off of it”

What has four legs and says MARK! MARK!?

A dog with a hairlip

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Mark and Bubba, two army buddies are on leave and decide to go to Bubba's house and get drunk.

Lo and behold they run out of beer so Bubba says that he will go for more. As he is leaving he tells his wife Linda-Lou to show Mark her best southern hospitality which she agrees to do.

Bubba comes back with the beer and finds Mark and Linda-Lou fucking right on the kitchen floor. Bubba yell...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Mark was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage

as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him.

In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place.

All he kept saying wa...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic.

He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could. When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepa...

What do you call a punctuation mark that's got a girlfriend?

..accommodating.

I wanna marry a guy named Mark.

As that would make me Marksman :)

I make more money than Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerburg combined

And all I do is work at the U.S. Mint

What was Mark Hamill's reaction when he finished reading The Force Awakens script?

Speechless

I'm worried that my grandma is starting to lolse her marbles. Yesterday when I went to visit she'd been marking herself all over with her bingo pen.

She's completely dotty.

Sometime in the future, robots are going to cancel Mark Zuckerburg

Because he tried to make fun of humans by wearing white face.

What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

What mouse leaves blue marks everywhere?

A bluetooth mouse

To the prick who stole my glasses... mark my words...

I have contacts.

Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away?” –Mark 16:2-3

And when they roll the stone away, if Jesus sees his shadow and retreats, we have 6 more weeks of winter.

What’s the similarity between skid marks and my uncle?

you can find both in my boxers

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