Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

Two men, John and Mark are going through the desert when they see a mosque.

John says, "They might give us food, water, and shelter!"

Mark says, "Yeah, but it will help if we are Muslim, so when we are there, I am Mohammed."

John replied, "Okay then Mohammed, let us go to the mosque then, but I am not changing my name."

They arrive at the mosque and are...

Girls, if a guy...

* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends

This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

This woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at...

The doctor said "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconson University?"

The girl says "Why do ask?"

The doc says "I'm not just a doctor- I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazo...

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A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark ...

When using Waze as GPS, if you drive by an accident where someone died, do you mark that down as an 'accident', or as 'roadkill'?

I know, too dark...

A man walks into his bedroom

His wife is lying on the bed naked.

He: What are you doing here

She: I couldn’t find anything nice to wear

He: I don’t trust you ~walks to the closet~
See there’s a blue dress, a red dress, oh hi mark and a green dress

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. [TRUE STORY]

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of these F\*\*\*ers behind me, three f\*\*\*ers to...

My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home. I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!

She laughed. I laughed. Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

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There was a guy named Nobody, a guy named Mark and a girl named Stupid.

Stupid and Mark were dating. Nobody fell from the window while cleaning it so Mark called 911 and said: "Nobody fell out of the window!".

Operator: "Are you fucking Stupid?".

Mark: "No I fucked her yesterday".

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

You look like a trillion German marks in 1929.

Huge but also worthless

Q: Why do we write a question mark at the end of a question?

A: So we don't have to write Q: at the front.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

A Kid says to Mark Zuckerberg...

Kid:. My Dad says Facebook knows everything and that your spying on people.

Mark: He's not your Dad...

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Mark and John were in a movie teather when one of them see a bald guy.

- Hey john. - Mark said - what do you give me if i go to that bald guy and slap his head?



- You won't do that. I dare you, i'll give you a 100 bucks.



So Mark walks up from his chair to the bald guy and give him a big fat loud slap on the back of his head and say: HEY M...

What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

My son's teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.

At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.

"You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style."

"Oh, wow, that's—"

"And I have a Master's from Cornell."

"Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—"...

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

X marks the end of the alphabet...

...very badly

What’s a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

A period, it marks the end of a sentence

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

Why did Marvel fire Mark Ruffalo?

They don't need him. After all, hulk is just a big banner.

To the prick who stole my glasses... mark my words...

I have contacts.

What is mark zuckerbergs favorite videogame

Detroit become human

Doctor: Relax, Mark. It's just a small surgery, don't panic.

Patient: But doctor, may name is not Mark.

Doctor: I know. I'm Mark.

Should we replace the exclamation mark (!) with the sign for resistance (Ω)?

Coz oh-me-gaaaa wd.

What kind of dog leaves a permanent mark?

A Shar Pei

Mark donated 100 chairs to the community center.

It was a very charitable act.

A pastor is finishing up his sermon on sunday morning...

"In preparation for my sermon next week, I want you all to read Mark chapter 17. You are dismissed." So next week everybody comes back to church. After singing a few hymns, the pastor comes to the pulpit.

"How many read Mark chapter 17 like I said last week?" Everyone raised their hand. The ...

Two friends Mark and Jack walk into the woods

Once inside, they find a lamp and rub it. Out comes a genie,"If you show me something that I've never seen before, I'll fulfil your every wish, but if that's not the case, I'll stick it up your ass."

All of them go searching. A few hours later, Mark shows up with a branch from a rare tree. Th...

Growing up my grandma loved reading me Mark Twain. It combined her to favorite activities,

Spending time with her grandson and using the N word.

A student receives a bad grade on his exam

And he goes to talk to the teacher, convinced that he's been graded unfairly.

He says to the teacher "I think I deserve some points on these questions, even if my answers weren't entirely correct!"

The teacher sighs and says "ok, I'll take another look at your exam".

The student...

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I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss I asked, “What are those marks all down your penis”

He said, “They’re from my wife’s teeth chattering".

Never bring Mark Ruffalo into the dairy Aisle

He'll spoil everything

How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

Today marks 10 years...

...since I didn't forward that mail chain that got me bad luck. It's on now

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Physics Student

Some time ago, I received a call from a colleague who asked if I would be the referee on the grading of an
examination question. He was about to give a student a zero for her answer to a physics question, while the student
claimed she should be given a perfect score and would, if the system we...

Mark Zuckerberg

Mark : we need 1000s of people's image so that we can fetch the data for the AI but we are running short on money this time. Any inputs?

Consultant 1: get the info from Apple's AI

Consultant 2: XoXo rofl! let's create a #10yearchallenge

Mark :

consultant :

Mark ...

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning

He’s remarkable

When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

When I was in school every classroom had a chalkboard. Now every classroom has a whiteboard.

They are remarkable.

THE SIN OF LYING

A minister told his congregation, “Next week, I plan to
preach about the sin of lying. To help you understand my
sermon, I want you to read Mark 17.”
The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon,
the minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know
how many had...

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

I did an essay on The Room.

For school, I had to write an essay based on a film, so I decided to do it on "The Room". I think I did well, because I got a hi mark.

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

People are always so confused when I say Mark Zuckerberg is a small business owner.

I just don't understand it. I mean, look at the guy; he's 5'7!

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

What did the robot pirate say to Mark Zuckerberg?

A.i Captain

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Sex competition

An Englishman and a Spaniard are in a bar in Amsterdam at midnight when they start bragging to each other about their sexual escapades. After several minutes of back and forth, the Englishman challenges the Spaniard to a contest.
"We'll go to the nearest brothel and see how many times we can shag...

What is Mark Ronson's favorite baking ingredient?

Dough dough dough, dough dough dough, dough dough

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

There were a few marks in the road.

So I told them to get out of the way.

If 666 is the mark of the beast...

... and the beast is pure evil wouldn't 25.8069758011278803 technically be the root of all evil?

When will mark zuckerberg die?

January 19 2038 of course

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

A man went to a tattooist and requested a tally mark on his back

Every couple of weeks, the same customer came in, always requesting the same tattoo: an additional tally mark on an ever-growing cluster of tally marks. One day, the tattooist decides to ask: "What are you counting?"

The man says: "The number of tattoos i've gotten"

Mark zuckerberg and i were in a band once. We gave him a choice to play the melody, the harmony, or display our newsfeed in chronological order.

But no matter how much we didn't want him to, he kept insisting, "I'll go rhythms. "

Why did Mark Zuckerberg only need a sip of water?

Zucculents are excellent at storing water and can thrive in arid climates.

What’s Mark Zuckerberg’s favourite recreational sport?

Fishing

I’ve been sleeping with this other guy’s wife, he found out and sent me a text the other day that said, “You go near my wife again and ill kill you. Mark my words!”

I replied, “8 out of 10. I’ll needs an apostrophe and a capital ‘I'”.

In a recent interview, Mark Zuckerburg's wife stated she wasn't bothered at all about being married to a lizard person.

But rather, she only took issue when Mark would drink heavily and behave erratically, calling it a reptile dysfunction.

Donald Trump, the Pope, Mark Zuckerberg, and a schoolboy are on a plane...

Suddenly, they hit turbulence. The pilot, telling them that the plane is going to crash, grabs a parachute and jumps out of the plane. There are only 3 parachutes left, so Mark Zuckerberg says, "I am worth over 50 billion dollars," and jumps out of the plane. Trump says "I am the smartest man in the...

I walked into a library and asked the librarian, "do you have a bookmark?"

He replied, "Of course I have a book, this is a library!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One baaaaaaad mistake

One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....

"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call...

A man visit the doctor with terrible burn marks on his ears

A man visits the doctor to look at the burn marks on his ears.

“How did you manage to get these burns?” the doctor asks.

“I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang, and in my haste I put the iron up to my ear.” the man replies.

“But you burnt both of them!” the doctor says con...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Not tonight dear, I have a headache

A Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
...

Mark Zuckerberg is cracking down on Facebook bots.

I wasn’t expecting him to turn against his own kind.

John and Mark were high school friends

They meet on the street after not seeing each other for a few years.
John: Mark, my buddy! How have you been??
Mark: Not too stellar, but nevermind that, you look glowing! What happened?
John: (excitedly) I bought an elephant!
Mark: And what's so great about an elephant?
Joh...

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What did the skid mark say to the toilet bowl?

I'm gonna get pissed off in a minute.

I took all the punctuation marks off of the judge's keyboard.

I expect a long sentence.

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