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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

Why is Mark Zuckerberg‘s face red after talking to a woman?

From the mace

What’s the differences between your wife and Mark Zuckerberg?

Mark Zuckerberg knows more about you.

My wife asked me why I was whispering at home, I said that I was worried that Mark Zuckerberg was listening

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, Siri laughed... we all laughed.

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

It's a good thing X marks the spot

People would have trouble finding the G spot

In school, work determines your marks

In Soviet Russia, Marx determines your work!

When using Waze as GPS, if you drive by an accident where someone died, do you mark that down as an 'accident', or as 'roadkill'?

I know, too dark...

Eve eating the apple marked..

.. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.

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There was a guy named Nobody, a guy named Mark and a girl named Stupid.

Stupid and Mark were dating. Nobody fell from the window while cleaning it so Mark called 911 and said: "Nobody fell out of the window!".

Operator: "Are you fucking Stupid?".

Mark: "No I fucked her yesterday".

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. [TRUE STORY]

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of these F\*\*\*ers behind me, three f\*\*\*ers to...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

Everyone in the senior class of ninja school was marked absent today.

They all got an A+

If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

Two men, John and Mark are going through the desert when they see a mosque.

John says, "They might give us food, water, and shelter!"

Mark says, "Yeah, but it will help if we are Muslim, so when we are there, I am Mohammed."

John replied, "Okay then Mohammed, let us go to the mosque then, but I am not changing my name."

They arrive at the mosque and are...

There was once the case of a licensed physician who was known for his harsh attitude on the job but he became markedly softer off of it.

It was also known as the curious case of Dr. Heckle and Mr. Chide.

You look like a trillion German marks in 1929.

Huge but also worthless

Girls, if a guy...

* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends

This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

Q: Why do we write a question mark at the end of a question?

A: So we don't have to write Q: at the front.

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

I was having trouble leaving the building as the ways out were not clearly marked.

It was a true exit stencil crisis.

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A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark ...

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A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl no...

My sister always said she’d go down in history. But I didn't believe her.

Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

Mark donated 100 chairs to the community center.

It was a very charitable act.

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Mark and John were in a movie teather when one of them see a bald guy.

- Hey john. - Mark said - what do you give me if i go to that bald guy and slap his head?



- You won't do that. I dare you, i'll give you a 100 bucks.



So Mark walks up from his chair to the bald guy and give him a big fat loud slap on the back of his head and say: HEY M...

What is mark zuckerbergs favorite videogame

Detroit become human

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

A Kid says to Mark Zuckerberg...

Kid:. My Dad says Facebook knows everything and that your spying on people.

Mark: He's not your Dad...

It's great when battery positive terminals are marked.

When it comes to helping identification, it's a big plus.

To the prick who stole my glasses... mark my words...

I have contacts.

X marks the end of the alphabet...

...very badly

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Two friends Mark and Jack walk into the woods

Once inside, they find a lamp and rub it. Out comes a genie,"If you show me something that I've never seen before, I'll fulfil your every wish, but if that's not the case, I'll stick it up your ass."

All of them go searching. A few hours later, Mark shows up with a branch from a rare tree. Th...

A man walks into his bedroom

His wife is lying on the bed naked.

He: What are you doing here

She: I couldn’t find anything nice to wear

He: I don’t trust you ~walks to the closet~
See there’s a blue dress, a red dress, oh hi mark and a green dress

What’s a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

A period, it marks the end of a sentence

Why did Marvel fire Mark Ruffalo?

They don't need him. After all, hulk is just a big banner.

Doctor: Relax, Mark. It's just a small surgery, don't panic.

Patient: But doctor, may name is not Mark.

Doctor: I know. I'm Mark.

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

What is the difference between a dead dog and lawyer lying in the road?

The dog has skid marks leading up to it.

Knock! Knock!

"Who's there?"

"Mark"

"oh, hi Mark!"

What kind of dog leaves a permanent mark?

A Shar Pei

Should we replace the exclamation mark (!) with the sign for resistance (Ω)?

Coz oh-me-gaaaa wd.

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Two dyslexic bank robbers walk into a bank

“Get your hands up mother stickers this is a fuck up”

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, ...

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

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I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss I asked, “What are those marks all down your penis”

He said, “They’re from my wife’s teeth chattering".

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside

Professor - Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?

Student- I will open the window.

Professor - Great, now suppose that the area of the window is1.5 sq.m and the volume of the compart...

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

What movie features Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo surrounded by garbage?

The Force Awakens

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits at the bar and orders a shot of whisky. While his drink is being poured, the man spots a jar of ten dollar bills sitting by the peanuts labeled, “bar challenge”.
Curious, the man asked the bartender what was up with that.
“That there is the current jackpot for this months bar challen...

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There is a new teacher of foreign language in Pepes class

The teacher writes sentences in foreign language on blackboard. Then she calls up the students one by one and asks them for translation until its Pepes turn. Before he can respond they can hear loud knocking.

It is a headmaster. As the teacher is new to her job and freshly graduated the head...

How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

Today marks 10 years...

...since I didn't forward that mail chain that got me bad luck. It's on now

Einstein, Newton and Pascal are playing hide & seek...

Einstein covers his eyes and begins counting.

While Pascal runs off and hides, Newton takes out some chalk and marks a square on the ground with a side length of exactly one meter, and then sits down inside the square.

When Einstein is finished counting and sees Newton sitting on the ...

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

A teacher was taking attendance

She noticed one student was missing and marked him absent. She continues on with her lesson until, about a half hour in, the student walks in. She says to him, “You’re late.” He says nothing and instead pulls out a clock, “No,” he says and proceeds to sit on the clock, “I’m right on time.”

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

Fishing is all location location location

Me and a buddy rented a boat and went fishing on a lake we had never been to before. For several hours we tried everything we could think of and just could not catch anything. We moved to a spot at the far end of the lake and on the first cast and every cast after, we caught fish. Daylight was runn...

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

A tortoise beat up a snail pretty bad.

The snails two friends wanted revenge and so they asked him "do you recollect anything. His name, build, marks etc?"

The snail said "No I don't. It happened so fast:-("

Adam knew he studied hard for his test, but couldn’t figure out where he went wrong.

He had spent almost 2 weeks preparing for this test. If he didn’t get 100%, he would fail chemistry and have to take summer school.

Knowing this, he panicked and furiously scanned the test to find out where he went wrong. Finally he saw the final question marked with an X. “Draw an atom”.
...

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

3 blondes want to join the police force...

They all go to the police station for an interview to become policewomen. The policeman conducting the interview tells them for this part of the interview I’ll hold up a mug shot of a man for 5 seconds and then ask you to tell me a distinctive feature you remember. He shows the first blonde the mug ...

Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning

He’s remarkable

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A woman was arrested for murder. It was easy to find her because she left her bra at the scene and she had two different sized breasts. The bra was marked Exhibit “A”

Her tits were marked Exhibits “B” and “C”

Albert Einstein, Blaise Pascal, and Isaac Newton decided to play a game of hide and seek.

Einstein covers his eyes and starts counting.


Pascal runs off to hide but Newton takes a chalk and marks a 1m×1m square on the floor and stands in it.


"Ready or not, here I come!" Einstein exclaims while he opens his eyes. He sees Newton standing out in the open and says "Haha,...

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Three guys die and go to hell [LONG]

Satan meets them for orientation. He asks the first one "What was your favorite sin in life?" He replies "It would have to be booze, I stayed drunk all the time." So Satan leads him to a door and opens it to reveal a giant room containing acres of every type of alcoholic drink imaginable; beers, ...

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

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A man wants to kill his wife

So he makes some discreet enquiries, and learns of a hitman who goes only by the name of Arthur. He contacts him, and they agree on a price of £1, which is paid up front. The man tells Arthur that his wife shops at Tesco on Saturday mornings.
That Saturday, Arthur goes to the Tesco, sees his mar...

A man walked into a bar and sees Julius Caesar and Mark Antony...

A man walked into a bar and sees Julius Caesar and Mark Antony sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they’re doing. Caesar says "We're going over plans to expand the Republic." The man asks what their plans are. Caesar says “we’re going to kill 2 million Gauls and a Jew.” The man ask...

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A guy dies and goes to hell. The devil says he can choose his punishment.

Before him are three doors, leading to the different areas of hell where punishments are handed out. In the first room, the floor is covered with smoldering embers. A few dozen people are in the room, all in terrible agony from being forced to walk around barefoot on the hot coals. "Nah, too hot"...

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Ever-so-slightly

A fellow gets a job in a sex shop. His new boss shows him around. "Everything's marked. We've got a simple register. There's only two things to remember." He points behind the counter. "Deluxe white dildos are $100 and the Deluxe black ones are $150."

"White $100, black $150. Got it."<...

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A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm.

When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on the shoulder...

"Want to make a bet while we wait?"...

10 best one-liners from the 2019 Edinburgh fringe

**"I keep randomly shouting out 'Broccoli' and 'Cauliflower' - I think I might have Florets".**

The gag won 41% of the vote.

## Best of the rest

Ten jokes made the 2019 shortlist. Here are the next nine:

* "Someone stole my antidepressants. Whoever they are, I hope they'r...

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

People are always so confused when I say Mark Zuckerberg is a small business owner.

I just don't understand it. I mean, look at the guy; he's 5'7!

If 666 is the mark of the beast...

... and the beast is pure evil wouldn't 25.8069758011278803 technically be the root of all evil?

Why was Tommy Wiseau upset about the reviews of The Room?

He did not receive a hi Mark

What did the robot pirate say to Mark Zuckerberg?

A.i Captain

How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?

Squid marks.

I think I can say, and say with pride,

that we have some legislatures that bring higher prices than any in the world!

Mark Twain

What is Mark Ronson's favorite baking ingredient?

Dough dough dough, dough dough dough, dough dough

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Loot Boxes

It’s only a matter of time before grocery stores and fast food chains implement the Loot Box strategy for food.

Mark my words one day you’ll be standing in front of a machine all like, “Shit this is my last dollar I really hope I get some bread. come on Bread.”

“Ahhh fuck. . . Cabbage!...

A young rancher was showing his girlfriend around his ranch.

They walked up a hill that had two trees at its top.

The girl thought this was odd and asked, "Why are there two trees planted at the top of this hill?"

"Well," said the young rancher, "That tree over there marks the spot where I first made love."

"Oh, that's sweet," said the g...

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