Today, my son asked "Can I have a book mark?" and I burst into tears.

11 years old and he still doesn't know my name is Brian.

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Long but gold, Couldn’t find it posted before. Marked NSFW for swearing. But how on earth this man gunna get broccoli??

There’s a grocery store, with a giant sign first thing in the doors that says “no broccoli”.

A man walks into this grocery store, walks up to the counter and says “hey man, you got any broccoli?”
The cashier looks at him and says “nah man we have no broccoli, sign out front says no brocco...

My husband asked me why I speak so softly in the house; I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.

He laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

Very early on the first day of the week, just after sunrise, they were on their way to the tomb and they asked each other, “Who will roll the stone away?” –Mark 16:2-3

And when they roll the stone away, if Jesus sees his shadow and retreats, we have 6 more weeks of winter.

A woman goes to the doctor's to have a strange mark on her tummy looked at. The doctor said, "Do you by any chance have a boyfriend who attends Wisconsin University?"

Confused, the girl asks, "Why do ask?"

The doc chuckles, "I'm not just a doctor, I'm also an amateur detective. It looks like your lover likes to wear a sweater with the initial letter of their university emblazoned on the front. It's mildly abrasive quality has been rubbing on your skin."...

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Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town...

Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a "mail order" bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.

Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-o...

Why is Mark Zuckerberg‘s face red after talking to a woman?

From the mace

I wanna marry a guy named Mark.

As that would make me Marksman :)

What’s the differences between your wife and Mark Zuckerberg?

Mark Zuckerberg knows more about you.

Mark is a gynecologist

but he is out of work, having messed up one too many times, so he decides he will do what his father did and become a mechanic, he applies to a technical school, gets accepted, and attends all his classes. He seems to be incredible at it as well, just as his father had said he would be. His final in...

Kobe Bryant's death was an important and historic occasion.

It marked the first time he's passed in years.

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There was a guy named Nobody, a guy named Mark and a girl named Stupid.

Stupid and Mark were dating. Nobody fell from the window while cleaning it so Mark called 911 and said: "Nobody fell out of the window!".

Operator: "Are you fucking Stupid?".

Mark: "No I fucked her yesterday".

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Men vs gorilla

Married couple at a Zoo walks past a gorilla enclosure.

Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'
r&...

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Boy asks, "Granny, have u seen my pills, they're marked LSD"

Granny replies, "Fuck the pills, have u seen the dragon in the kitchen?!"

I was in the middle of a heated conversation when I said "Mark my words!!"

It's nice to have a guy called Mark bringing my dictionary to me whenever I need it.

Two men, John and Mark are going through the desert when they see a mosque.

John says, "They might give us food, water, and shelter!"

Mark says, "Yeah, but it will help if we are Muslim, so when we are there, I am Mohammed."

John replied, "Okay then Mohammed, let us go to the mosque then, but I am not changing my name."

They arrive at the mosque and are...

If Mark Twain were alive today, what would be his favorite chain restaurant?

Langhorne Steakhouse

This week in DC, Mark Zuckerberg is currently doing the hardest thing imaginable.

He’s explaining Facebook to old people.

When using Waze as GPS, if you drive by an accident where someone died, do you mark that down as an 'accident', or as 'roadkill'?

I know, too dark...

I wrote an essay on whales once, but I got a bad mark.

Didn't have the proper cetaceans.

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A student goes to talk to his professor about his grade.

The student comes up to the professor, "What is this, why did you grade me an 80?"

The professor looks at the exam again, "Yep, an 80 is what you deserve"

The student takes the exam back, and asks "If I'll bite my own eye, will you give me an 85?"
The professor is surprised, but st...

Eve eating the apple marked..

.. the first time when Artificial Intelligence got out of its creator's control.

Hameed the good lad

Once upon a time, a small boy named Hameed lived in a tiny Moroccan village. All his classmates hated him for his stupidity especially his teacher who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Hameed!!!" One day, his mother went to check out how he is doing at school and the teacher told h...

A man and his wife go into the delivery room to give birth. The doctor says, “we have this new machine, where by the flip of a switch, the father can bear some of the pain to ease the mother. Want to try?” The every supportive husband says “sure.”

So, the doctor sets it to 10% and asks the husband how he feels.

“Fine. You can turn it up.”

Surprised, the doctor goes to 20%.

“More. This is easy”

Soon enough, the doctor goes to 30%, then 40, 50, 60, all the way to 100%. “I’ve never gone past the 25% mark” says the d...

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. [TRUE STORY]

Today marks the 35th anniversary of the death of Sir Douglas Bader and I couldn't let it pass without this story of the RAF hero. He was giving a talk at an upmarket girl's school about his time as a pilot in the Second World War. "So there were two of these F\*\*\*ers behind me, three f\*\*\*ers to...

What's the difference between Mark Zuckerberg and Jean Luc Picard?

Picard didn't sell Data

Everyone in the senior class of ninja school was marked absent today.

They all got an A+

28 consonants, 3 vowels, a question mark and 1 comma went to court.

They're awaiting their sentence.

A kid asks her crush out to the prom and she says yes. So he really wants to impress

He wants to buy her some nice flowers, rent a tuxedo, and a limo.

So he goes to the flower store and there's a really long flower line. He waits for hours and finally gets to the desk and buys the flowers

He then goes to the tuxedo store and, again, there's a really long tuxedo line. H...

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Young naive couple

A young naïve newlywed couple from rural China decided to move to America to start a new life with nothing but big dreams and the love for each other. They arrived at their new home in rural Minnesota, and although they were happy and still in love, the first couple of months were difficult. They ...

Future Employer: How good are your Microsoft Office Skills?

Me: Mark my word, I excel in it. Just give me access to it and I'll show you all the powerpoints.





(pls don't bully if it is a dumb joke, first post here)

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

What was Mark Zuckerberg's favourite game to play as a child?

iSpy.

Two friends were going camping...

Pete told Mark not to bring any booze for safety reasons.
When they met, Mark had two bags with him, at first glance, Pete noticed one bag full of vodka.
"I told you not to bring booze"
"It's just in case we get bitten by a snake, that will work as an anesthesia"
"Oh, ok, but whats in th...

There was once the case of a licensed physician who was known for his harsh attitude on the job but he became markedly softer off of it.

It was also known as the curious case of Dr. Heckle and Mr. Chide.

Dr. Johnson is approached by Ted, a new vampire.

“I just got turned,” Ted tells him. “You gotta help me out. I need blood, and I don’t want to kill anyone.”

Dr. Johnson agrees to help, providing Ted with the blood bags he needs. He refers Ted to counseling to deal with the psychological effects of the change. He even lets Ted crash on his c...

The misuse of users' Facebook data has caused Mark Zuckerberg significant emotional distress.

He asks that you respect his privacy during this challenging time.

I'm still upset they marked me wrong on my 7th grade history test on the question "what did they set up during the French Revolution?"

I maintain that "lots and lots of guillotines" is technically correct...

A young Law student, having failed his Law exam, goes up to his crusty old professor, who is renowned for his razor-sharp legal mind.

Student, "Sir, do you really know everything about this subject?"

Professor, "Actually, I probably do. Otherwise I wouldn't be a professor, would I?"

Student, "OK. So I'd like to ask you a question. If you can give me the correct answer, I will accept my marks as it is. If you can't gi...

Q: Why do we write a question mark at the end of a question?

A: So we don't have to write Q: at the front.

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Did you lose your virginity?

Mark: Actually, yes.

Chad: Really? With who?

Mark: You know that girl I dated last month? That curly long hair, green eyes, soft skin, amazing body?

Chad: Yeah, good jo...

Mark: Well, I fucked your sister.

"When I started my job, they handed me three envelopes."

"*These three envelopes were left to you by the previous employee who was recently let go. He said to open them in order if you ever got into a jam.*"

The job didn't seem so tough, and after all, why would I want to take advice from the guy who was just fired? I threw the envelopes into a dra...

Mark donated 100 chairs to the community center.

It was a very charitable act.

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Mark and John were in a movie teather when one of them see a bald guy.

- Hey john. - Mark said - what do you give me if i go to that bald guy and slap his head?



- You won't do that. I dare you, i'll give you a 100 bucks.



So Mark walks up from his chair to the bald guy and give him a big fat loud slap on the back of his head and say: HEY M...

Temple of Eternal Light

Three couples are meeting with the Grand Guru of the Temple of Eternal Light, hoping to increase their sense of meaning and connectedness with the world. After listening to his sermon in rapture they ask how to join the Temple of Eternal Light.

"You must first demonstrate your commitment to t...

I was having trouble leaving the building as the ways out were not clearly marked.

It was a true exit stencil crisis.

The gynecologist who became a mechanic:

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out. Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and l...

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I had just finished my grocery shopping

When I came outside and saw the parking agent writing a ticket.

I said, - what are you writing that for? The car is within the lines.

-Too close to the fire hydrant.

-But it is within the lines, why can't you dumb parking monkeys mark the lot properly?

Slightly annoyed, t...

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A Frenchman and an American are drinking on vacation and get into an argument over who is a better lover...

...so they agree to settle the debate with a contest: who can make love more times that night with their significant other.

The American and his girlfriend make their way back to their hotel room, he immediately proceeds to rip off his gf's clothes and have sex with her - and tallies a mark ...

To the prick who stole my glasses... mark my words...

I have contacts.

Mark Zuckerberg is really upset that Facebook is about to be fined $5 billion by the FTC for misusing users’ personal data.

Please respect his privacy at this challenging time.

My son's teacher has been giving him poor marks for grammar.

At a parent-teacher conference, she was really lording it over me.

"You know, I consulted on the latest version of the Chicago Manual of Style."

"Oh, wow, that's—"

"And I have a Master's from Cornell."

"Yes, I saw the degree when I walked in, but my son really needs—"...

Girls, if a guy...

* Remembers your birthday
* Knows what you enjoy
* Saves your pictures
* Understands your family & friends

This guy is not your man, this guy is Mark Zuckerberg.

What is mark zuckerbergs favorite videogame

Detroit become human

What’s a prisoners favorite punctuation mark?

A period, it marks the end of a sentence

A Kid says to Mark Zuckerberg...

Kid:. My Dad says Facebook knows everything and that your spying on people.

Mark: He's not your Dad...

X marks the end of the alphabet...

...very badly

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A guy named John Asshole goes to the courthouse change his name

The judge asks him: "What's your name?"

John was a ashamed of saying it out loud so he wrote his name down and passed it to the judge

The judge holds his laugh and asks him "Well, obviously your name must be changed. What name do you prefer to be called from now on, sir?"

"Mark ...

Ole and Sven go out squirrel hunting one afternoon.

Ole needs to toss a whizz so he steps behind a tree to take care of business. All the sudden Sven hears a bone chilling cry. He checks on his best friend Ole and there he is, lying on the ground.

"Sven, a rattlesnake just bit me in the pecker! Please go get the doctor; I don't want to di...

Two engineering students are waiting to give their oral viva test.

The first student's turn comes, and he goes inside


External :- Suppose you are travelling by a train, and suddenly it gets hot, what will you do?


Student :- I will open the window.


External :- Great, now suppose that the area of the window is 1.5 sq.m and the ...

It's great when battery positive terminals are marked.

When it comes to helping identification, it's a big plus.

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Two friends Mark and Jack walk into the woods

Once inside, they find a lamp and rub it. Out comes a genie,"If you show me something that I've never seen before, I'll fulfil your every wish, but if that's not the case, I'll stick it up your ass."

All of them go searching. A few hours later, Mark shows up with a branch from a rare tree. Th...

Doctor: Relax, Mark. It's just a small surgery, don't panic.

Patient: But doctor, may name is not Mark.

Doctor: I know. I'm Mark.

Why did Marvel fire Mark Ruffalo?

They don't need him. After all, hulk is just a big banner.

Mark Zuckerberg says he wears a grey t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things that don't matter.

He runs Facebook.

What kind of dog leaves a permanent mark?

A Shar Pei

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A teacher and her class of kindergarteners learn about grown-up words

A teacher is teaching her class of kindergarteners how to use grown-up expressions.

She points to little Sally and asks, "Sally, what did you do this weekend."

Sally tilted her head and said, "I went on a choo choo!"

"Marvelous, dear," said the teacher, "But next time, try 'I ro...

What movie features Mark Hamil, Carrie Fisher and Han Solo surrounded by garbage?

The Force Awakens

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was standing next to an Eskimo having a piss I asked, “What are those marks all down your penis”

He said, “They’re from my wife’s teeth chattering".

Me: Yesterday my wife ran away with my best friend Mark.

Another friend: Since when was Mark your best friend?

Me: Since yesterday.

Mark Zuckerberg published “a privacy-focused vision” for Facebook today.

Oh wait, it’s not April 1.

After my breakup I moved into a new place and bought a dalmatian. Every day I took that dog for a walk past our old place and, day after day, I trained him to pee in her flowerbed and take a dump on her lawn. . .

It was a classic case of Spot Marks the Ex!

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[nsfw] A girl visits the doctor with a large H shaped mark on her breasts

The doctor was surprised and asked her how it happened. She replied "My boyfriend got into Harvard and was so excited he made love to me in his sweater". The doctor gave her a cream and told her to apply for a few days and the mark will disappear.

The next day, another girl came in with a Y ...

Ned and Fred Go Fishing

Ned and Fred rent a row boat to go fishing. It costs $20 for five hours to rent the boat. For the first four hours, they row around the lake but find no fish. Finally, at the last hour, they find the prefect spot and catch a lot of fish. Fred tells Ned "Mark this spot so that next time we don't...

How does the Prague mafia mark its territory?

With a Czech mark

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young couple were making passionate love in the guy's van when suddenly the girl, yells out "Oh big boy, whip me, whip me!"

The guy, not wanting to pass up this unique opportunity, obviously did not have any whips to hand, but in a flash of inspiration, he opens the window, snaps the aerial off the van and proceeds to whip the girl until they bothcollapse in sadomasochistic ecstasy.

About a week later, the girl no...

Today marks 10 years...

...since I didn't forward that mail chain that got me bad luck. It's on now

A wise old pirate captain has captured a group of merchant sailors, but he tells them that he will spare their lives if they can answer a question: What is a pirate's favorite letter?

The first sailor, with a smug look on his face, haughtily walks up to the captain and says "Obviously it's RRRRRRR!". The captain slowly shakes his head and says "RRRRRR you kidding me?" before throwing the sailor overboard to the sharks. The second sailor, a little wary now but still feeling confid...

What sort of grades did Tommy Wiseau receive in school?

Oh, high marks.

A man walks into his bedroom

His wife is lying on the bed naked.

He: What are you doing here

She: I couldn’t find anything nice to wear

He: I don’t trust you ~walks to the closet~
See there’s a blue dress, a red dress, oh hi mark and a green dress

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

A cyber joke

One day, I started to whisper , so my wife told me why I was whispering. I told her I didn't want Mark Zuckerberg to hear us.

I laughed.

My wife laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

Facebook is set to release its own webmail client...

...emails will be flagged as "Mark has read"

How many chargers does Mark Zuckerberg carry when he travels?

Three. One for his laptop, one for his phone and one for himself.

What would Mark Zuckerberg add to the game, if he created MineCraft?

Data.

So he can mine it.

My sister always said she’d go down in history. But I didn't believe her.

Looking back, that’s probably why she got such good marks.

Mark has several qualities that make him an ideal candidate for cloning

He’s remarkable

Ray Kroc, Mark Zuckerberg and Bill Gates walk into a bar.

The owner turns his back for a second and lost his bar.

If 666 is the mark of the beast...

... and the beast is pure evil wouldn't 25.8069758011278803 technically be the root of all evil?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman was arrested for murder. It was easy to find her because she left her bra at the scene and she had two different sized breasts. The bra was marked Exhibit “A”

Her tits were marked Exhibits “B” and “C”

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My grandfather was responsible for 49 downed German planes.

Still to this day, he holds the record for worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.

Fuck word to hide the post since I cant mark it as spoiler on mobile

When I was young my English teacher said to me "you'll never amount to anything in life". I said "mark my words"

"...that's your job."

What is the difference between a dead dog and lawyer lying in the road?

The dog has skid marks leading up to it.

Mark Twain- “A plan for the improvement of the English language”

For example, in Year 1 that useless letter "c" would be dropped to be replased either by "k" or "s", and likewise "x" would no longer be part of the alphabet.

The only kase in which "c" would be retained would be the "ch" formation, which will be dealt with later.

Year 2 might reform...

Knock! Knock!

"Who's there?"

"Mark"

"oh, hi Mark!"

A man walked into a bar and sees Julius Caesar and Mark Antony...

A man walked into a bar and sees Julius Caesar and Mark Antony sitting at a table. He walks up to them and asks what they’re doing. Caesar says "We're going over plans to expand the Republic." The man asks what their plans are. Caesar says “we’re going to kill 2 million Gauls and a Jew.” The man ask...

What did the robot pirate say to Mark Zuckerberg?

A.i Captain

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