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Career Jokes

Jared from Subway ended his career the same way he began it

Trying to get into smaller pants

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

My alcoholism is really screwing up my law career.

Every time I try to pass the bar...

I just go in.

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

My career as a street fighter didn't last very long...

I broke my hand punching a curb.

Why did the cross dressing pilots career never take off?

Too much drag

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

proctology can be a rewarding career, but...

You have to start at the bottom

A vampire decided to use his immortality to research the best career

He tried every type of job there was, from innovation to construction to civil service, and he landed on the job of mirror cleaner.

In his book on the subject, he said that the tai chi like motions of the arms were very relaxing, and the mirror will certainly get dirty again leading to job s...

a change of careers

A gynecologist was bored with his job and decided he wanted a new career. He went back to college and decided to become a mechanic. After aching most of his courses, he found himself at the final exam. For his final exam, he has to rebuild an engine and reinstall it in the car. He completed the task...

I considered a career in fortune telling.

But, I couldn't see a future in it.

A man working a 9-5 office job starts feeling worthless and decides to make a career change into the adult film industry

He starts off with vanilla stuff and builds up his self-esteem. He then decides to go for the more fetishized stuff and gets cast making incest films as the role of step-dad.

He wakes up one day and realizes how happy he's become since he started coming into his own.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

An out-of-work plumber decides a good career move would be to move to the Netherlands.

He heard that everyone has so many clogs.

Me to HR: Your careers page says the company offers "competitive salary". What does that mean exactly?

HR: That means your salary will be competing with your bills.

My cousin just started a new career as a bounty hunter…

…Apparently, she makes a killing.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

I don't know why my painting career never took off

Doctors always told me I was on the artistic spectrum.

During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.

I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.

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How is the porn industry different from every other career?

It's the only job where you have to stay late if you come early.

When asked how I got into olympic diving as a career I always reply:

Just sort of fell into it, really.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

A Gynaecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skilful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynaecologist ...

Mid life career change

A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. "So what do you do?" the bartender chats him up. "Well I used to work in food service, but I just got a new job in IT," the guy says. "How was it changing careers?" the bartender asks. "Well, you know, a job is a job. I guess the biggest difference is that t...

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

Have you ever considered a career in shipbuilding?

I heard it's riveting.

Little Timmy is burned out working retail, so he goes to a career fair to consult a counsellor...

Timmy says "Hey Mr. Counsellor, I'm burned out, I don't like my current job and I want a career change, what do you recommend for me?"


Counsellor: "Well tell me about yourself, and what you look for in a job?"


Timmy: "I'm an introvert, I don't like to socialize, I hate it ...

Drugs don’t ruin your career

Drug tests do

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An American businessman goes to Japan for the meeting of his career.

He arrives a day early to prepare for the meeting, he tries some sushi and sake at a local restaurant. Feeling tempted to try more "local cuisine" he hires an escort for the evening. Night falls and he takes his escort up to his hotel room for some fun, he gives her all he's got and he knows she's l...

My dad left his job

He wanted to pursue archeology. His career is now in ruins.

A proctologist changed careers to become a mathematician...

Specializing in polypnomials.

A doctor changes Careers.

A Gynecologist is tired of dealing with Insurance companies and decides to become an auto mechanic. He studies hard, and for the final, he needs to diagnose and rebuild an engine. He need an 80 to pass an become a certified Mechanic.

He takes test, and waits for his score.

He g...

Teaching as a career

A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so worn out," he complains to the bartender. "The entire American school system is horribly disorganized and poorly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."

What's the difference between a Syrian kindergarten and an ISIS hospital?

I wouldn't know, I'm just the drone operator.

Time to change careers. This cat burglar thing isn't working out.

Too many friggin' scratches.

I've decided I want to start a career in Mirror Cleaning

It's just something I can see myself doing.

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Covid pandemic now is like Nicolas Cage career

It continues, but nobody gives a shit

My 6th grade teacher, Miss Parkman, told me I'd never make it as a writer and said to find a career that wasn't so challenging. Well, 30 years later, after being turned down by almost every publisher on the planet, I'm thrilled to be able to announce that ...

... I heard Miss Parkman died.

I'm in prison and decided to start my career here as a standup comic

It helps to have a captive audience

Steve Winwood began his solo career in 1977.

He would have started sooner, but he was stuck in traffic.

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

A FtM trans man gets asked what career path he wants to pursue.

He laughs and replies: “a mailman”

(A trans man made this)

Before Darryl Hall's music career took off he was an over the road driver for Quaker Products.

He was literally haul'n oats.

Men naturally choose high paying careers, like doctor, engineer, or CEO. Women naturally gravitate toward lower paying careers ...

... like female doctor, female engineer, or female CEO.

Not every member of Al Capone's family had a criminal career..

His brother Mas sold cheese .

Why did the banker switch career ?

Because she lost interest

So I go to for some careers advice...

"What do you want to do?" asked the advisor.

"I want to work in a record store", I replied.

"Is that your vinyl answer?"

As I get older and remember all the people I've lost along the way, I think to myself...

maybe a career as a tour guide wasn't for me.

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The Energizer Bunny is starting a career in porn...

They put his batteries in backwards and he keeps coming and coming and coming.

After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

My girlfriend says it's either her, or my career as a news reporter

I had some breaking news for her.

A media star's career will remain stable as long as they haven't done anything horrible. The star's career will collapse if at any point the weight of all the horrible things they have done overcomes the support of the public's positive perception of them and their importance as a cultural icon.

This is known as "Ellen Degeneracy pressure."

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

A hockey player was asked, 'How many accidents have you had in your career?'

The player responded, 'None for sure. I've had two concussions, lost all my front teeth, have had my nose broken four times, but they weren't accidents. The opponents did it on purpose'.

Being a musician is great for travelling and meeting new people. Throughout my career I have met amazing humans.

Once I met this Italian opera singer, amazing gal. Some other time an irish theremine player. But the other day I met a polish sound engineer. And a czech one too. And a czech one too. And a czech one too.

I had many career paths to choose from - lawyer, prison guard, veterinarian

but none of them satisfied my desire to work with animals quite like being a teacher

The second career

Tom was in his early 50's, retired and started a second career.

However, he just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day, 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it. Finally, one day he called him into the off...

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It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

I had a prior career as a night time sniper

Every mission was a shot in the dark.

Quentin Tarantino has said his filmmaking career is over

Because now it's more than thirty years old, Leonardo DiCaprio isn't interested any more.

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

What was pavlov's least favorite moment in his career?

Winning the No-bell prize.

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The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

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My ex wife is an esthetician w/ various skills but she mainly does massages for various men with various careers.

You could say she's a "jack off all trades"

What's blue and doesn't weigh much?

Light blue.

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it’s their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they’ll graduate from.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

Why did Logan Paul go to the suicide forest?

To kill his career.

Change of career, I'm now an aspiring cameraman...

For onlyfans.

I've decided to change my career path and become a window cleaner

It's really something I can see myself getting into.

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

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Lock & Stock were a famous pro wrestling tag team. They had a long, successful career, won many titles, had a wonderful retirement match and were inducted into the Hall of Fame of every company they wrestled in.

One day, chilling on the porch and reflecting on the many blessings of their career, Lock asked Stock "You know, I've always wondered; is there pro wrestling in heaven?"

"I've always wondered that myself," Stock replied.

So the two agreed, "Whichever of us gets there first needs to fin...

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

A gynecologist decides to find a new career

A gynecologist was tired of his career, and decided to go into an entirely new field. So, he signs up for a course in auto mechanics.

He does well in the course, and is confident that he did well on the final exam: A complete engine rebuild.

When he gets his test score back, he is surp...

Thinking about a career in Comedy.

All I have to do is look at someone and they start laughing.

A mohel collected all the foreskins in a jar, for the duration of his thirty year career.

Upon his retirement, he brought them to a local leather shop and requested a custom piece.

"What should I make?" asked the leathersmith.

"Surprise me," said the mohel.

A week later he returned to find the result. A wallet.

"There were hundreds of foreskins there, and all ...

Name one career where on-the-job training is not ideal.

Skydiving instructor

A man is deciding whether to become a novelist or a career criminal

You could say he's weighing the prose and cons

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Theee doctors are discussing their careers...

The dentist says, “I’ve worked on some of the nastiest mouths in my career, some people who didn’t brush their teeth for years, so disgusting it made me feel sick working on them.”

The podiatrist chimes in, “You think that’s bad? I’ve worked on people who never took care of their feet and ha...

An 80 year old lady was marrying for the 4th time.

A newspaper asked if she wouldn't mind talking about her first 3 husbands and what they did for a living.

She smiled and said, "My first husband was a banker, then I married a circus ringmaster, next was a preacher and now in my 80's, a funeral director."

When asked why the...

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Career Day

I had just finished serving a wedding liturgy, when one of the groomsmen told the priest a joke I thought I'd share.

There's a Catholic grade school in Ireland, and Sister Mary Agnes teaches the first grade students. One day, she asks what they'd all like to be when they grow up. Little Eliza...

I had to give up my tap-dancing career.....

I kept slipping and landing in the sink.

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I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician.

I just found out they get to work with dikes and strippers.

TIL Leo Tolstoy funded his writing career by selling used toupees

His shop was named “Worn Piece”

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

Four college girls went to take a career placement exam...

The examiner told them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!" "Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor." The other three girls examine the word some mor...

A Trashy Career

“Has your son decided what he wants to be when he grows up?” I asked my friend.

“He wants to be a garbageman,” he replied.

“That’s an unusual ambition to have at such a young age.”

“Not really. He thinks that garbage men work only on Tuesdays.”

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I did my Jamaican stepfather proud by making a successful career in pornography

He always said I would amount to nuttin'...

What happened to Dido's career?

It diedo

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Career day

A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Mary raises her hand first and says, "My dad's a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail." Jack puts his hand up next and says, "My dad's a doctor. He makes sick people better." Eventually, all the kids take thei...

A boy goes to his School Career Advisor to talk about what he should do after school.

The Advisor says to him, do you have any particular interests or talents? The boy says, I really love stamps, studying them, collecting them, everything about them. The Career Advisor shakes his head and says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but philately will get you nowhere.

Im thinking about getting a second career as a reverse truck driver.

You know as a backup job.

Why did Kevin spacey quit his music career?

He didnt know th difference between minor and a minor

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Fishing stopped me from perusing a career as a porn star.

Now I'm just a hooker.

R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

Someone asked me about my background and I gave a detailed reply, telling him about my education, career, relatives, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he just wanted to know what was behind me on our Zoom call.

I recently pursued my dream career of becoming a very successful plagiarizer.

I tried, but I didn't make it.

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Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

You work for a dick and you can’t retire until after 69.

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

Why did the CPA change careers?

....lost interest...

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Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

What do you call a couple who decided on a career together in retail after both having earned their Doctorates?

A Paradox!

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

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Why did the centaur never get a singing career?

He was a bit hoarse.

Being a gardener must be a very sobering career...

Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.

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There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever

Nothing but net

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Anna Kournikova is approached by her agent with one last career option.

He explains that with her youthful looks behind her, her best option is to take a training shoe endorsement she has been offered. She'll only need to model the footwear from the legs down, and give them use of her name.

She's reluctant because years of top level tennis gave her leg muscles wh...

I am starting a new career as a “redneck rapper”.

Call me Lil Nas-car!

One day, I showed my art teacher an artwork of mine and asked her, “Do you think I can have a career in art?”

She looked at my artwork for a few minutes. To my delight, she told me, “Well… You have potential as a drawer.”

What do you call an alcoholics drug dealing career?

Whiskey business

Obstetrician career change

An Obstetrician decides that he's sick of his job and opts to become a car mechanic. For the next several months he attends night classes at his local technical college to gain his certification. A few months before the end of the curriculum, the entire class is informed that there will be a final i...

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A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them...

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

Who had The Rock never beaten in his career?

Paper

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

Why did the sailor quit his acting career?

Because he wasn’t landing any good roles.

I've never lost a single case in my career

I'm the best baggage handler at LAX.

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best-and was amazed to find he scored 150%. ...

I changed my career as an English teacher to beekeeping

Got sick and tired of explaning the difference between am is are was were etc. But man, there's still too many bees.

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