After he became deaf, many people told Beethoven that his career as a composer was over.

But did he listen?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was an American wrestler from Texas named John, who throughout his high school career had never lost a match. As he went on into college he continued undefeated. He became a national icon and symbol of American strength.

News began to circulate of a Russian wrestler who was fierce and unstoppable. As each wrestlers legends grew, a match was set up between the two, America versus Russia. The match would be held in Texas.

John began training immediately. Every day his coach would tell him, “This Russ ...

A lawyer was working in his office when Satan appeared. "I can make it so you win every case in your career and make huge piles of money. In exchange you will give me your soul, your wife's soul, your children's souls, your parent's souls, your grandparent's souls and the souls of all your friends!"

The lawyer thought it over for a moment and then asked, "What's the catch?"

I’m thinking of a career where I estimate crowd sizes at different outdoor events.

I wonder how many people are in that field.

A boy goes to his School Career Advisor to talk about what he should do after school.

The Advisor says to him, do you have any particular interests or talents? The boy says, I really love stamps, studying them, collecting them, everything about them. The Career Advisor shakes his head and says, I'm sorry to tell you this, but philately will get you nowhere.

What ruined Tiger Woods’ golf career?

His driving game.

My career as a street fighter didn't last very long...

I broke my hand punching a curb.

During a business meeting yesterday, someone asked me about my background. So I told him about my education, career, family, hopes and dreams.

Turns out he was asking about what was behind me on our Zoom call.

What was pavlov's least favorite moment in his career?

Winning the No-bell prize.

I recently took up a career installing worktops in kitchen, little did I know I would be arrested.

Turns out counter fitting is illegal!

When Kermit the Frogs entertainment career came to an end, he enrolled in seminary school where he was ordained

Now he's a Pastor of Muppets

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I did my Jamaican stepfather proud by making a successful career in pornography

He always said I would amount to nuttin'...

Did you hear Harry has moved to America to start a painting career?

He's now the artist formerly known as prince

Why will Jeff Bezos' career in standup comedy be a success?

He's already mastered delivery

For the first time in his professional career Tiger Woods failed to make the cut at the Arnold Palmer invitational

People are saying he just rolled over.

A doctor is retiring, he mostly performed circumcisions his whole career...

...and he collected the remainders in a large glass jar. He brings the jar to a leather tanner and explains that it’s all he has to remember 50 years of service to his community - please make something, anything, nice from it.

The leather tanner says no problem; to come back in a week.
...

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I've made up my mind. I'm choosing a career path as an electrician.

I just found out they get to work with dikes and strippers.

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It's Career Week in the parochial school...

(OK, real old one but=)

It's Career Week in the parochial school. One day, when all the parents who've come to explain their jobs have done their presentations and gone, Sister Mary Domino has some time to kill, so she has the children stand up, one at a time, and say what THEY want to be wh...

In my career as a lumberjack, I cut down exactly 82,546 trees.

I know, because I kept a log.

Men get paid more than women because they choose high paying careers like doctor, engineer, and CEO

Women pick low paying careers like woman doctor, woman engineer, or woman CEO

Name one career where on-the-job training is not ideal.

Skydiving instructor

So a politician dies...

And ends up standing in front of the pearly gates. Saint Peter looks at him for a second, flicks through his book, and finds his name.

‟So, you’re a politician...”
‟Well, yes, is that a problem?”
‟Oh no, no problem. But we have recently adopted a new system for people in your line of wo...

Throughout my career, I have delivered many babies.

I have always enjoyed parents's look when they see their kids returned to them safely and unharmed after they pay me the ransom I asked.

I quit my career as a professional poker player, and I decided to open a grocery store.

For the first couple weeks, I didn’t earn much money. Then, I decided to rearrange the meat and the snacks in my store. I started earning lots of money. I knew that I would succeed when the chips were down and the steaks were high.

Change of career, I'm now an aspiring cameraman...

For onlyfans.

TIL Out of boredom and to create more band chemistry early in their careers, the Ramones used to go on single's cruises together around New York harbour looking to pick up chicks.

They wanted to be sea dated.

At work I put my desk in the elevator

This should take my career to a whole new level

An old priest died and arrived at the Gates of Heaven

Next to him was a young Uber driver who died seconds ago from his reckless driving.

The priest was called first, and St Peter said, "For your life long career working for the church, we will give you a small studio where you can stay at for the rest of eternity."

Then St Peter turns to...

It's Career day tommorow and your allowed to dress up as anyone you looked up towards.

Kyle wanted to dress up as his dad.

He said he'll go to the store for a bit and buy what he needs.

The next day he never came back.

I will never have the audacity to choose a career path for my children,

it’s their responsibility to choose whatever medical school they’ll graduate from.

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Four girls sign up for to take the latest career aptitude test.

The examiner tells them there is only one question - just unscramble the letters in a word. So they looked at the word and after a moment one girl said "I know what that says! It says SPINE!"

"Congratulations!" said the examiner. "You will be a doctor."

The other three girls examine ...

Im thinking about getting a second career as a reverse truck driver.

You know as a backup job.

A surgeon, a farmer, an engineer, and a lawyer are arguing over whose career is the best.

"I think surgery is the best career because it's the oldest!" said the surgeon.

"What makes you say that?" asked the farmer.

"Well," said the surgeon, "God removed a rib from Adam and turned it into Eve."

"You are forgetting one thing," said the farmer. "Before God even created ...

My career’s in ruins!

A man walks into a bar and finds its patrons raucously celebrating with a young man standing on the bar shouting for more drinks, on him.

He walks up to the bar and shouts to the young man, “What’s the occasion?”

“My career’s in ruins!” the lad cackles.

The man, shocked, replies...

Gynecologist Career Change

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and paperwork so he decided to give up practicing medicine.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classe...

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Autopsy class

An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class. 'There are two things you need to make a career in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear.' Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpse's anus and licked ...

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida

One day, a family from mexico moves up from Mexico city all the way to Jacksonville Florida. They settle in a small little house. The neighbors are a little skeptical, being their race and all, so they keep an eye out on their plot for a few days. To his suprise, he sees that the family is one of th...

My tennis career has taught me that I can be the best basketball player ever

Nothing but net

I recently pursued my dream career of becoming a very successful plagiarizer.

I tried, but I didn't make it.

The american spy

Once upon a time, an american spy who was in Russia, after a long career and for unknown reasons he decided he wants to surrender. He goes to the police, in the front office and he says

-Hello, I'm an american spy and I would like to surrender

-Well sir, do you have a gun?

-yes...

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The Navy decides its time to help its enlisted transition to careers after their experience serving.

They decided to put an Occupational Counselor on every ship, including submarines. The Hephaestus was one of the best submarines in the fleet and their Occupational Counselor was no exception. He was incredible. There was no resume he couldn’t perfect. No college and company he didn’t have contacts ...

My career as a professional rock climber is going great, but I'm also taking a course in mattress-making.

Just so I've got something to fall back on.

My asian parents are actually very supportive of my career path

They let me pick which medical school I'm going to

If my current career doesn’t work out I’m going try my hand as a honey farmer.

It’s my plan bee.

Jared ended his subway career the same way he started it

Trying to get into smaller pants.

During my boxing career, I was the 2nd best boxer in my country.

I fought in over 100 fights, and came 2nd every single time.

I don't know why my painting career never took off

Doctors always told me I was on the artistic spectrum.

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

An arm with no body crawls into a military recruiting station.

The sergeant looks on in amazement as the arm hops onto his desk, grabs a pen and writes;

“I’m here to enlist!”

“You can’t enlist, you’re just an arm!”

The arm quickly wraps itself around the sergeant’s neck and puts him into a submission hold; letting him go just before he pas...

The 40 year old health care worker who cares for newborns started questioning her career choices, then flipped out and left town

I guess she was having a midwife crisis

My friend is an archaeologist...

He was complaining about not having any money. Dunno what he's talking about, though. He is an archaeologist and he's surprised that his career lies in ruins?

Possibly the greatest dad joke of my dad’s whole career

Preface: I’ve been sick in bed for 10 days with infectious mononucleosis or ‘mono’


So, Mom brought home some pie and she gave me a slice. I only had like half of it because it was making me nauseous so she decided to save it for me. But I guess Dad didn’t know that so he ate the rest of ...

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Hulk Hogan: Doc, I had to struggle through manic-depression all my career!

Therapist: Are you saying you had to wrestle mania?

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Poor Dyslexic James (long, original)

James was dyslexic. Because of this, he always struggled in school. He was embarrassed by his dyslexia and never let on or got help for his problems, so his grades suffered. His teachers and guidance counsellors told him he’d never amount to anything. All his life, James just wanted to prove them wr...

The lady who birthed babies started questioning her career choice.

I think she was going through a midwife crisis.
...

I had to give up my tap-dancing career.....

I kept slipping and landing in the sink.

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Theee doctors are discussing their careers...

The dentist says, “I’ve worked on some of the nastiest mouths in my career, some people who didn’t brush their teeth for years, so disgusting it made me feel sick working on them.”

The podiatrist chimes in, “You think that’s bad? I’ve worked on people who never took care of their feet and ha...

I thought I'd finally bagged my dream career making thermometers.

Turns out it was just a temp job.

What sort of drugs did Daffy Duck do during his career?

Quack cocaine.

I know a guy who spent half his career driving a train and now he drives an 18 wheel truck.

He’s a semi-conductor.

Once upon a time on a dig in Egypt...

A few years ago I was in Egypt, on a dig site, not far from the banks of the Nile but out of the way of the Pyramids and Statues you'd associate with the usual "big finds" of the late 19th/early 20th century.

We were looking for a tomb, a new paper had raised interesting questions about a po...

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Fishing stopped me from perusing a career as a porn star.

Now I'm just a hooker.

A proctologist gets sick of his medical career and decides it's time for a change. He does a bit of research and settles on trying his hand at being a mechanic. He attends mechanic school diligently and pays attention in the hopes of being the best mechanic in town.

After taking his final exam, he notices a mistake with the grade on the test and asks the teacher.

"Sir, you have me 150% out of a possible 100% on the practical exam. This must be a mistake!"

The teacher replies, "It's no mistake. 50% of the grade is for perfect disassembly of the en...

Medium

A model (I guess we'll call... Anna?), quite successful in her career, one day tragically loses a close relative, her father. The sense of emptiness left is so great eventually she decides to seek the help of a seer, someone who can speak to the dead.

She quickly finds one in her area, she de...

The U2 spy plane took many pictures during its military career.

But it still hasn’t found what it’s looking for.

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Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help.

After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. "The good news is I can cure your headaches; the bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your s...

It's January 2nd and the First Officer on a cruiser is looking at the Captain's Log from the previous day.

He sees "January 1st: First Officer Simpkins arrived on the bridge drunk today" and he says to the captain, "Sir, I feel this log entry is a little unfair. True, I did see the New Year in with an extra tot, but nothing out of the ordinary for the occasion, and I was well capable of carrying out my d...

Singapore’s education system be like

Memo to all students : In order to assure the highest levels
of quality work and productivity from students, it will be
our policy to keep all students well taught through our
program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.). We are
trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any...

An Irish lad just graduating school embarks on his career in business.

Found employment in a nice village. Being a bit of an introvert, took him a few months to venture into the local pub. Asked the bartender for 3 pints, and he took them back into a dark corner table, drank the 3 and left. After a few days, when he ordered his usual 3, the barkeep said "Ya know lad, I...

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A group of four lifelong hunters decided to end their careers in the best way possible.

They'd taken down the most dangerous game to be found, all over the world. From saltwater gators, to bull elephants. They were renowned worldwide for having bagged a giant squid some few years back, but they were getting on in age and knew that they'd be unable to keep up with the youngsters before ...

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Mafia man

Gino and Maria were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary. Gino was a very successful mafia man and was very wealthy and influential. Gino wanted to give something special to his wife for the anniversary.

Gino says to Maria “Maria, I am very successful and wealthy, and to thank you for a...

I think fights between career boxers and famous criminals would be entertaining. We could even make it fair, with different weight classes and everything.

We just need to weigh the Pros and Cons.

I heard there’s gonna be a new compilation CD celebrating Bill Withers’ career

It’s going to be titled No Longer Withers

New Pope

There were two Roman Catholic boys, Timothy Murphy and Antonio Secola whose lives paralleled each other in amazing ways. In the same year Timothy was born in Ireland, Antonio was born in Italy. Faithfully, they attended parochial school from kindergarten through their senior year in High School.
...

What's the most successful career

Mountain climbing. You'll reach your peak many times.

Leave a comment if you cringed reading this.

R. Kelly certainly released some major bangers throughout his career

Its the minor banging that was the issue.

Trump quits US actors' union

Makes sense, why stay with a union after quitting your career in showbusiness?

Drugs don't ruin careers

Drug Tests do.

A son says to his father: "Dad, I'm thinking about a career in organized crime."

Father: "Government or private sector?"

Thinking about a career in Comedy.

All I have to do is look at someone and they start laughing.

Keeping Up With The Kardashians is ending

Kim Kardashians professional career is behind her

Career Choices

As a child, I thought about being a musician, but all my efforts fell flat.

In High School, my teachers seemed to be pushing a career as an astronaut, but then I realized they had something else in mind when they said I was “a real space cadet.”


My first job was working in an ora...

An OBGYN got tired of her career and decided to train to become a mechanic.

Her final exam was taking apart a car engine and putting it back together. When she finished, the instructor announced that she scored a 150 on the exam even though it was only out of 100. When she asked how she scored so high, the instructor explained that she got the full 100 points for her work o...

My dad gave up his job of being a late night radio DJ.

He took up a new job as a railway construction worker. Talk about a career change, but I guess he just couldn’t give up his love for laying tracks.

A boy says to his dad 'I'm considering a career in organised crime'

His dad responds with 'Government or private sector?'

My girlfriend just told me that I had to choose between her and my career as a reporter.

Well, I have some breaking news for her.

Why didn’t Peter Pan’s career in stand-up take off?

Because his jokes Neverland.

-Mr. Johnson this looks great. Your educational is just spot on. You have decent career for this job. And you values seem to alike with our corporation. Lastly i wanna ask, what are some of you weaknesses?

-I am hard boiled liar.

I considered a career in fortune telling.

But, I couldn't see a future in it.

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Now that Harvey Weinstein's career in Hollywood is over, he should move to Houston.

Houston is used to getting fucked by Harvey.

I was thinking of trying out a career in tracing things.

Or something along those lines.

A gynecologist was getting tired of his job and decided to switch careers.

He'd always enjoyed tinkering with engines, so he enrolled in a school for car mechanics. When the class ended, the students were given their final exam: strip a car engine completely and reassemble it in perfect working order.
The gynecologist did his best-and was amazed to find he scored 150%. ...

A bumblebee suddenly wakes up in a cold sweat, realizing he has overslept and is about to miss his connecting flight home after a successful overseas business trip.

He makes a mad rush to the airport, suitcase in one hand, passport and airline ticket in the other. His tie flaps loose in the breeze, his shirt wrinkled and untucked, with his face covered in bushy bumblebee beard stubble.

He recklessly flies into the main entrance, nearly knocking over a fa...

A rabbi had worked for many years as a mohel performing circumcisions...

He collected all the foreskins he had cut over his career and brought them to a leather maker after he retired.

He brings the foreskins to the best leather maker in town and says “Make me whatever you can with these.” Surprised but undaunted, the leather maker says “Okay, come back in a week ...

For 30 years I’ve made tools employing a chamber with a colored liquid and an air bubble, used to determine if a surface is perfectly horizontal. My wife says that’s not a career and that I’m a joke.

Yeah, well this joke has worked on so many levels.

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My father always told me, “marry a girl who is passionate about her career”

I think my prostitute will do just fine

4 Husbands

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time. The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation.

"He's a funeral director,"...

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A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them...

Being a gardener must be a very sobering career...

Every day you have to wake up and smell the roses.

A farmer’s career criminal son was supposed to be helping him with the chores but when he looked behind the barn, he was asleep on the hay.

He was out on bale.

Did you hear what happened to the big game taxidermist who fell behind on his debt?

His deer rear career is in arrears

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the centaur never get a singing career?

He was a bit hoarse.

After a decades long career, the parking guy suddenly disappears. A worried customer goes to inquire.

"What happened to the guy at the entrance who collected all the parking fees and even told us where free spots are? Did he retire?"
The employee is somewhat confused.
"Sir, parking has been free ever since we opened."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

Retiring Dr.

A doctor who delivered thousands of babies over his career is finally retiring. He had an odd habit but whenever he circumcised a baby boy he would throw the foreskin in a large gallon jar of formaldehyde. As he is cleaning out his office there sits this large Jar and he begins to think "What can I...

Elton John has changed career and decided to be a stand up comic

His new gig is just a little bit funny

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Being a porn actress is a horrible career choice.

You work for a dick and you can’t retire until after 69.

I thought of writing a letter to my Grandma to tell her that I’m quitting University to pursue a career in Magic

But and just couldn’t pick up the Penn and Teller.

My friend got caught stealing a car. I told him he should change careers.

He didn’t know how to take it.

I am starting a new career as a “redneck rapper”.

Call me Lil Nas-car!

A young actor calls his agent from the set of his first film. He is playing the lead role for the first time in his career.

“How’s it going?” the agent asks.

“It’s amazing!” the actor gushes. “The director told me that my performance is making him consider making two films with me.”

“Two?” the agent replies.

“Yeah,” the actor says, “my first and my last.”

It’s hard to move up with a career in the church

The man at the top never retires.

After a long and distinguished career, my French teacher finally retired.

Adios, amigo.

When Joe Louis was asked who had hit him the hardest during his boxing career, he replied,

“That’s easy—Uncle Sam!”

Dermatologist here. I can't decide whether to specialise in psoriasis, or dermatitis. This indecision has put my career back 10 years.

I can't make a rash decision.

Steve Winwood started his solo career in 1977.

It would have happened sooner, but he was stuck in Traffic.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Anna Kournikova is approached by her agent with one last career option.

He explains that with her youthful looks behind her, her best option is to take a training shoe endorsement she has been offered. She'll only need to model the footwear from the legs down, and give them use of her name.

She's reluctant because years of top level tennis gave her leg muscles wh...

What do you call someone that had great potential in highschool, but now has no friends, no career aspirations, and is satisfied with a menial job?

Idk what others would say, but I know my dad is refusing to call me "son"

I changed my career as an English teacher to beekeeping

Got sick and tired of explaning the difference between am is are was were etc. But man, there's still too many bees.

In what career do you become more incompetent with more years experience?

Suicide bomber

A gynecologist decides to find a new career

A gynecologist was tired of his career, and decided to go into an entirely new field. So, he signs up for a course in auto mechanics.

He does well in the course, and is confident that he did well on the final exam: A complete engine rebuild.

When he gets his test score back, he is surp...

My career is in ruins.

It’s great being an archaeologist.

I've never lost a single case in my career

I'm the best baggage handler at LAX.

My career is absolutely on fire at the moment.

Only problem is that my career is accident and disaster prevention.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How I picked my career.

I was driving down the street, when I was cut off by someone. I honked frantically, applied the brakes masterfully and dodged a sure accident. At the next set of lights, I pulled up beside the perpetrators and it was a car with 4 black men in it. I gave them the finger, and they became hostile towar...

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