Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

What do you call it when Spider-Man jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour.

A man jumps off a cliff with faith that God will save him

The man hits the ground full force and is left barely alive and bleeding out. A doctor passing by notices the struggling man and says, "Sir, I'm a doctor, please let me help you!" To which the man replies, "Get away from me! I have faith that God will heal me!" And the doctor walks away. Another doc...

Why don't blind people Bungy jump?

the dog doesn't like it

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

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My wife is doing a sponsored parachute jump tomorrow and I am genuinely terrified that the chute won't open.

Last time something that big hit the earth, the fucking dinosaurs got wiped out.

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

A young man decides to jump on the streetcar without paying.

A few stops later he’s caught.

As the transit enforcement officer is writing him the ticket, the young man says, “This isn’t fair.”

“You’re right,” said the officer, “This isn’t fare.”

What does a janitor say when he jumps out of a closet?

Supplies!

What do you call it when a thousand rabbits jump backwards?

A receding hare line

Once I saw a man on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What denomination?" He said, "...

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A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

TIL: It's possible to bungee jump without a rope.

But just once.

I’ve been performing a scientific study on toddlers. When they trip and smash their heads they sometimes cry; but other times they jump right back up laughing. I can’t figure out a pattern that explains the difference in behaviour. Maybe my sample size is too small for accurate results.

I’ll trip another 100 and report back

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A fish was watching a fly and thought ‘if that fly drops 6 inches, I’ll jump out of this river, catch it, and have a really nice meal’.

What the fish didn’t know was that there was a bear watching from a distance. The bear thought to himself ‘if that fly drops six inches and that fish jumps out to get it, I’ll catch the fish and have a really nice meal.’

What the bear didn’t know was that there was a hunter eating a sandwich ...

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3 kids climb to the roof of a building when they see a genie who says: when you jump off this building, whatever you say will appear below you

The kids are skeptical, until one of the boys jumps off one side of the roof and screams “1000 PILLOWS”.

Sure enough when the kid falls, 1000 pillows appear below him to cushion his fall

The second kid excited to try it jumps off another side of the roof and screams “1000 pounds of fe...

Why didn't the penguin jump off of the iceberg?

He got cold feet.

They say white people can't jump.

Well, I just got jumped by 3 of them, so I beg to differ.

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When the DJ at a club played "Jump," we all jumped.

When he played "Come On Eileen," we all ended up with a court date for sexual assault.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course. Houses dont jump.

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If I saw a man in a suit, jump into a phone booth and then Superman jump out. I’d be like “Holy shit!”

A fucking phone booth!

Two planes jump in a trampoline

Boeing

A stunnigly attractive Woman is standing on a bridge...

...obviously ready to jump and ending her life. A young man driving past with his bike thinking "wow" and asks loudly: "hey there beautiful, you think I can come up and we make out?"
The woman disgusted by the young man's proposal screams: "Eeew no way!!!"
The young man with a winner's smile ...

What do you call a person who jumps off a bridge in paris?

In seine

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"A teenager jumps into the bus and exclaims 'I've lost my virginity!'"

An old man says "Super! Sit down and tell us about it all."

The boy replies "Nah, my ass is still sore!"

what time is it when an elephant jumps off your diving board?

time to get a new diving board.

A recently discovered type of kangaroo can jump higher than the empire state building...

... because Empire State building cannot jump at all.

I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

I wasn't allowed to speak at a university conference about jump mechanics in video games..

..due to no platforming.

Why did the cow jump up and down

To make a milkshake

Congratulations everyone!

Researchers have proven that we can jump in a pool of volcano.

but only once.

A duck walks into a bar, jumps on the stool and asks for a beer and a sandwich

The bartender is shocked.
You are a duck says the bartender. Yes replies the duck. You talk! Says the bartender. Yes! Says the duck and how about that beer and sandwich he says. The bartender still in shock brings him his sandwich and beer. The duck drinks his beer and finishes his sandwich and l...

A pirate told me to jump off his ship

I told him I'd sea myself out.

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A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

(-my brother)

You wanna know why a cat can jump so high?

because they have good PAW-sture

A man jumps on a bed

A man jumps on a bed expecting it to be soft and fluffy...

\*Wham!\*
Instead he experienced a very firm landing.
\*Owww!\*
I think this memory foam has amnesia!

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What do a bungee jump and a hooker have in common?

They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're pretty much fucked.

Why did the pig jump into the pot of stew?

Because it was stew-pig

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Three men were about to cliff jump from this magical cliff

The first man told the other two about why it's a magical cliff " they say when you jump off if you yell what you want it will magically appear at the bottom of this cliff, replacing the water."

So the first man jumps off and yells "GOLD!" All of the water turned into gold coins, and the man ...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

There’s a kid about to jump off a cliff.

His dad walks up and asks why he’s going to jump. The kid says, “I’m depressed and I hate your dad jokes.” “Hi depressed...”

A Russian Scientist Teaches frogs to Jump on Command

Altogether he has four frogs. He says, "Jump, froggies, jump."

Interestingly enough they all jump at the same time.

He cuts off their front right legs to see if they jump differently. Indeed, they do. They jump on his verbal command once again.

He keeps amputating their limbs on...

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too...

Why did the black pirates jump overboard

Because they heard the Sirens

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?"
"I'm going to commit suicide," she says.
While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to miss an opportunity, so he asks, "Well, before you jump, why don't you give me a kiss?"
She does, an...

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

Confucius say: Man who jump off bridge in Paris

is in-Seine.

I could tell you my jokes about failed parachute jumps

But they don't seem to land

What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion?

Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today.

How long does it take a cross dresser to get to the ground if they jump out of a plane?

Depends on the drag coefficient

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

I have the ability to jump out of an aeroplane, mid-air and without a parachute.

Once.

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

People who say white people can’t jump,

Have never seen 9/11 footage

Young goats shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.

That's how you get kidnapped.

A paratrooper was scared to jump..

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, 'Buddha oh Buddha!', and you will be saved." The paratrooper jumped, and he got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha!" and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.


He then sighed and said, "T...

If you love skydiving, don’t wear a parachute on your next jump

Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!

The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.

Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of th...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

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The paratrooper

A guy joins the paratroopers, like his father before him, and his father\`s father before him.

The day of the first jump, the guy comes home. His dad says, "Well, son, how\`d it go?"

His son says, "Well, we were up there, and I was the last one to jump. But when I got to the door I ju...

Have you heard about the man who dreamt he was packing his parachute in preparation for a jump?

His wife had to be rushed to the hospital with half of the bedsheets stuffed up her ass.

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge

When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

A man declares that he will be the first person to jump out of a plane without a parachute

The man jumps out and dies on impact with the ground.

He didn’t understand the gravity of the situation.

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the co...

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

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A suicidal man is about to jump off a building..

when he sees an armless man happily dancing & jumping on the street and he thinks: "Here I am with a complete set of limbs & miserable while an armless man is happy with his life. I better go down to him and ask him what's his secret to his happiness.."

So, he comes down the building ...

What does a physicist say when they see somebody jump off a cliff

They shake their head and say “So much wasted potential”

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver ...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

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Two nuns are driving along a dark country road when a vampire jumps on the car

"Quick, Sister Mary, show him your cross!"

Sister Mary leans out of the window and shouts:

"GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR YOU CUNT"

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

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A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

If a naked guy jumps on your back...

Would you beat him off?..

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A plane full of paratrooper recruits are doing their first jump.

The drill instructor throws everyone that doesn't jump on their own out of the aircraft personally. The second to last puts up a real fight, but the instructor manages to push him out. The last recruit nearly looses his shit laughing. The instructor turns around and asks: "Do you think this kind of ...

A man jumps out of a plane while skydiving.

This joke works better in person.

As he is falling he realizes that his parachute doesn't work. So he decides to pray to Allah saying "Oh Allah please save me." Nothing happens. He then prays to God saying "Oh God please save me!" Nothing happens this time too. Finally he prays to Buddha and ...

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

A man offers Descartes $100 to jump in a lake.

Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.

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