This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey, orders a drink and while he’s drinking it, the monkey jumps around all over, grabs some olives off the bar, eats them, grabs some sliced limes, eats them, jumps up on the pool table, grabs a cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, “Did you see what your monkey just did?”

The guy says, “No, what?”

“He just ate the cue ball off my pool table, whole!” says the bartender.

“Yeah, that doesn’t surprise me.” replied the patron. “He eats everything in sight. I’ll pay for the cue ...

I had my first parachute jump today and was so terrified! This guy strapped himself to me, we jumped out of the plane and as we plummeted, he said...

"So, how long have you been an instructor?"

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off a tall building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

One day I was walking across a bridge when I saw a man about to jump off. I immediately shouted to him, "Stop! Don't do it!"

"Why not?" he said.

I said, "Well, there's so much to live for!"

"Like what?"

"Well... are you religious or not?"

"I am!"

"Me too! Are you Christian or Jewish?"

"Christian."

"Me too! Are you Catholic or Protestant?"

"Protestant."

"Me too...

Why can't a fish play jump rope?

It keeps getting caught on the line.

What are the chances that a gorilla would jump on a lion?

Anyways I lost my job at the zoo today.

A man is standing on a cliff and says to his wife “I bet I can make it to the bottom faster than you!”. She agrees to the bet and they both jump off at the same time. Who wins?

Charles Darwin

I could tell you my jokes about failed parachute jumps

But they don't seem to land

Young goats shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.

That's how you get kidnapped.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story office building.

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

The Trump Family is flying from New York to DC

Donald-"I think I'll throw a $1000 bill out the window and make some American happy"
Melania- "Why don't you throw ten $100 bills and make ten Americans happy?
Ivanka- "It will be even better if you throw one hundred $10 dollar bills and make one hundred people happy?
The pilot hears the co...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump

I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"


He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said...

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

How long does it take a cross dresser to get to the ground if they jump out of a plane?

Depends on the drag coefficient

Both of the airplane's jet engines caught on fire. It's a disaster. You pick the last parachute, jump out. The parachute doesn't deploy. It's terrifying.

Oh come on, what's with all the drama?! You have the rest of your life to fix it!

Pharaoh, surrounded by family and advisors, tells everyone that he can jump in the river and not get wet at all

They say that they would love to see his godly powers, and encourage him to do it.

He then jumps into the river and, as you would expect, gets soaked.

Despite this, he stands up and shouts "look everyone! I am completely dry!"

And it was clear to everyone around him that he was...

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop.

A tough looking group of hairy bikers are riding when they see a girl about to jump off a bridge, so they stop. The leader, a big burly man, gets off his bike and says, "What are you doing?" "I'm going to commit suicide," she says. While he doesn’t want to appear insensitive, he also doesn’t want to...

A paratrooper was scared to jump..

His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, 'Buddha oh Buddha!', and you will be saved." The paratrooper jumped, and he got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha!" and a hand came out of the sky and saved him.


He then sighed and said, "T...

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A suicidal man is about to jump off a building..

when he sees an armless man happily dancing & jumping on the street and he thinks: "Here I am with a complete set of limbs & miserable while an armless man is happy with his life. I better go down to him and ask him what's his secret to his happiness.."

So, he comes down the building ...

People who say white people can’t jump,

Have never seen 9/11 footage

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student...

...and shouts "your money or your life!"

The student keeps walking, and says "Sorry mate, I'm a Computer Science student. I don't have either".

Have you heard about the man who dreamt he was packing his parachute in preparation for a jump?

His wife had to be rushed to the hospital with half of the bedsheets stuffed up her ass.

The Pope, Donald Trump, Lionel Messi, and a 14 year old boy are flying on a plane together.

Halfway into the flight, the pilots announce that the plane is going down, and that there are only three parachutes on board.

Lionel Messi grabs a parachute and says “Well guys, I’m the best football player in the world. My fans and millions of people worldwide need me!”, and jumps out of th...

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station...

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

What does a physicist say when they see somebody jump off a cliff

They shake their head and say “So much wasted potential”

Donald Trump, Vladimir Putin, Xi Jinping and Jean-Claude Juncker all jump from a plane without a parachute, in what order do they hit the ground?

Doesn't matter.

Can a kangaroo jump higher than a house?

Of course; houses don't jump

Who can jump higher than a Pyramid?

Everyone. Because a Pyramid can't jump.

If you love skydiving, don’t wear a parachute on your next jump

Then you can skydive for the rest of your life!

Why did the lemmings jump from the dock?

Too much pier pressure

A man jumps into a river in paris.

His friend is shocked and asks "What are you doing?". The man says "I'm in Seine!"

A physics teacher is about to jump off a high bridge

When a friend stops him saying, "Don't do it, you have so much potential."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A horror with jump scares is a cheap trick...

...but a whore with jump scares is an expensive trick.

A man jumps out of a plane while skydiving.

This joke works better in person.

As he is falling he realizes that his parachute doesn't work. So he decides to pray to Allah saying "Oh Allah please save me." Nothing happens. He then prays to God saying "Oh God please save me!" Nothing happens this time too. Finally he prays to Buddha and ...

A man jumps into a lion's cage to save a 5 year old boy by punching the lion in the nose

Soon, reporters are on the scene.

"Why don't you tell us a bit more about yourself"

"Well, I'm currently a stockbroker, but I got out of the Army only two years ago"

"What do you do for fun"

"I'm an avid fisherman, and I teach rifle safety classes for the NRA"

"Who...

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Two nuns are driving along a dark country road when a vampire jumps on the car

"Quick, Sister Mary, show him your cross!"

Sister Mary leans out of the window and shouts:

"GET OFF THE FUCKING CAR YOU CUNT"

If a naked guy jumps on your back...

Would you beat him off?..

Two nuns are walking down a dark alley one night.

Two men suddenly jump out of the shadows and start to rape them. The first nun looks up toward heaven and says, "Forgive them, Father, for they know not what they are doing."

The second nun looks up and says, "This one does!"

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Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

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An ex-businessman, now bankrupt, is preparing to jump off a bridge...

As he's about to step into the void, a hand grabs him from behind.

He turns back annoyed and sees that the hand belongs to an old bearded overweight guy.

"Why did you stop me you old fool?"

"Have you gone mad my son? You were about to kill yourself!" The old man exclaims with a ...

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85

Last week, a group of Hells Angels bikers were riding South on I-85 in North Carolina country when they saw a girl about to jump off the Catawba River Bridge.
They stopped.
George, the top biker was a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the Stat...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

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A plane full of paratrooper recruits are doing their first jump.

The drill instructor throws everyone that doesn't jump on their own out of the aircraft personally. The second to last puts up a real fight, but the instructor manages to push him out. The last recruit nearly looses his shit laughing. The instructor turns around and asks: "Do you think this kind of ...

A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road

He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is the Easter Bunny, and he is DEAD.
The driver ...

Can you jump 6 times your own body height? Cats can

Can you take an x-ray of the inside of your own body? Catscan

Why do divers jump backwards when they jump off a boat?

Because if they jumped forward they'd still be in the boat.

I’m a roofer and earlier today my coworker asked me how I’m gonna get down from the roof of the house. I said I could jump or I could climb down.

I chose the latter

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Why don't blind people bunji jump?

Because it scares the fuck out of the dogs!

A study shows that jump scares are becoming less and less popular.

Well, I'm not surprised.

A blonde and a brunette jump off a cliff at the exact same time. Who hits the ground first?

The brunette. The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

"I swear to god, if you get any closer I'm going to jump!"

Said the man to the jump rope.

Vladimir Putin and Kim Jong Un are discussing their countries, and decide to have a contest to see whose soldiers are more obedient.

They are in a hotel at the top of a mountain near a cliff.

Vladimir Putin instructs a soldier to run and jump off the cliff. The soldier says "Please Putin, I have a wife and children!" Putin lets him go.

Kim Jong Un instructs a soldier to jump. The soldier runs to jump off the cliff. ...

A man offers Descartes $100 to jump in a lake.

Without thinking, Descartes ceases to exist.

I met an old Air Force guy

I met an old Air Force guy. He said the first time he was gonna jump out of a plane he was scared. He said the Captain told him to jump, or he'd stick his d**k where the "sun don't shine". I go, "Did you jump?" He said, "A little."

“If your friends jumped off a bridge would you”

Was probably not the best way to break the ice in group therapy

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jump?

A young man joined the Army and signed up with the paratroopers. He went though the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures, and finally went to take his first jump from an airplane. The next day, he called home to his father to tell him the news.

"So...

Hear the one about the suicidal physicist who didn't jump off a roof?

He realized he had so much potential.

What's long and hard and makes mom jump into bed?

Her day.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking over a bridge and he sees a beautiful woman about to jump...

He tries to talk her down, but she's too distraught. Finally, he says to her, "Well, if you're gonna kill yourself anyway, why not give me a nice blowjob first?"

She replies, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway. I guess I might as well make *somebody* happy before I die."

So she climbs do...

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Homeless man sees a woman about to jump off a bridge

A homeless man is walking along a road, and comes across a bridge. On the bridge is a woman standing on the railing, clearly about to jump. He approaches the woman.

"Hey lady, are you about to jump?"

"Back off! If you come any closer, I'll do it!" she replies.

"Well, that's fine...

Studies have shown that a deer can jump higher than an average house.

This is because deer are agile animals and also due to the fact that a house cannot jump.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sly fox jumps over a impulsive lioness

Once there lived a sly fox in a vast jungle. He knew every nook and corner of the jungle. One day he went to the lion's den and started calling out the lion for a fight.

The fox said,"Come out, you coward lion. I'm gonna carve out your inside with my bare hands". But the lion didn't move an i...

A group of scientists conducted an interesting experiment on frogs.

They wanted to see how cutting off the legs of frogs would affect them.

In one of the experiments, a scientist told the frog to jump. It didn't.

The scientists concluded that cutting off the legs of frogs would make them deaf.

So i just saw a bank robber jump down some stairs while yelling about how terrible the cops were

guess you could say he was condescending

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A priest and a nun are driving down the road when the devil jumps on their windshield

"Turn the wipers on!" says the nun. He does and the devil stays clinging to the car.

"Slam the breaks!" says the nun. He does and the devil still holds on.

"Show him you're cross!" says the nun. "Get the FUCK off my car!" says the priest.

Why did HD TV jump from 2K straight to 4k?

Because 3k was considered too racist.

What does a janitor yell when he jumps out of the closet?

Supplies!

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Paddy was telling Mick about his first parachute jump

When I got to the door I couldn't do it, but the instructor, 6 ft 7 mountain man, unzipped his fly and whipped out 14 inches and said "If you don't jump this bad boy is going up your arse."

"Did you jump?" asked Mick.

"A bit ..." replied Paddy, " ... when it first went in."

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Lady jumps out of the shower and door bell rings...

\- "Who is it?" she yells, trying to find her robe.

\- "It's the blind man"

The lady goes to the door topless and opens it.

\- "Nice tits lady! Now, where do you want your blinds installed?"

What do you call a cow that can’t jump a barbed wire fence?

Utter destruction

Smartest President

An airplane was about to crash. There were 4 passengers on board, but only 3 parachutes. The 1st passenger said, "I am Cristiano Ronaldo, the best Football player. Real Madrid and my millions of fans need me, and I can't afford to die." So he took the 1st pack and left the plane. The 2nd passenger, ...

When the zookeepers come in the morning, they find a kangaroo wandering the zoo...

They put it back in its environment, and add barbed wire to the top of the fencing to keep it from jumping out. Yet the next morning once more the kangaroo is found out and about, relaxing near the arctic exhibit.

Perplexed but not perturbed, they return it to its enclosure and call in the c...

Two hunters are in a forest when, all of sudden, a venomous snake jumps and bites one of them in the groin.

His friend, desperate, calls 911.

"Help me! My friend got bitten by a snake!"

"Calm down, sir! First of all, you must find the location of the bite and suck the poison out. Can you do that?"

"Gotcha."

The bitten friend asks: "So? What did they say?"

"They said you'...

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A distressed but attractive woman stands at the edge of a cliff, trying to get up the nerve to jump.

A passing hobo stops and says,"Since
you're about to kill yourself anyway,
would you mind if we had sex first?"

The woman replies,"Get away from
me, you sicko!"

The bum turns to leave and mutters,
"Fine, I'll just go wait at the bottom."

My son is such a prick. I bought him a trampoline and he won't even jump on it.

He just sits in his wheelchair and cries.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People always jump to ridiculous conclusions.

Like thinking, for some reason, that my dads are gay.

4 people are on a crashing plane, but there are only 3 parachutes.

The first person the grab a parachute is Brad Pitt and as he reachs for the door he says, "My family and my fans need me surely you will understand.", off he goes.

The next person to grab one is Donald Trump:
"Im the most intellegent president this nation ever saw i will do great things...

Never in my life will I ever bunjee jump

Came into this world because of broken rubber and you'll be damn sure as hell I ain't leaving because of one either.

My friend was about to jump off of the balcony of my sixth floor apartment. I yelled “Don’t do it!...

... You have too much potential.”

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces

"If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman." She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?" A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman jumps down a hole..

..and breaks his legs at the bottom.

His friend shouts down "Why the fuck didn't you use the ladder?"
The irishman shouts back "I thought they were for going up!"

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3 guys having lunch on a high rise construction site.

As they open their lunchboxes

1st guy says. Bologna sandwich again! If my wife packs me another bologna sandwich tomorrow I'm jumping off this high rise and killing myself.

2nd guy opens his lunch up. Ham and cheese again! If my wife packs me this lunch again I'll jump with ya!
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the condom jump out the window?

It was pissed off

Why did the rock jump of the cliff?

It wanted to be boulder

World's most incapable man jumps from a plane.

And misses earth.

Did ya hear the one about the three brothers “Hop, Skip and Jump” ?

They were very close

What do you call a medic who jumps out of a plane?

A paramedic.

How do the blind know when they're reaching the ground on a parachute jump?

The leash goes slack

An Indian woman jumps up mid flight and shouts 'is there a doctor on the plane?'

A nice, serious guy approaches quickly and says 'i'm a doctor, what's the problem?'

She replies 'Would you like to meet my daughter?'

Farmer - the other day I saw a baby cow jump over the fence

Me - you know, it’s all in the calves.

A well known politician is walking down when the street when a mugger jumps out and says "give me all of your money."

The politician says, "Do you know who I am? I'm a well known politician."

So the mugger says, "Fine, give me all of my money."