And the lord said unto John, "Come forth and you will receive eternal life"

John came fifth and won a blender

Why was one-fifth so nervous?

It was too tense.

"Doctor, I feel like a fifth of the man I used to be."

"Just relax a bit. You're two tenths."

Those who have a fifth on the fourth

May not go forth on the fifth

Why does bourbon come in fifths?

Because you need it when you're too tense.

I told my wife I want to give our fifth child a Chinese name, she asked "why?"

I said "because one in five kids are Chinese".

Why should you never bully a fifth grader gypsy?

Because his father is in the eleventh grade.

I was walking down Fifth Avenue today and I found a wallet

I was gonna keep it rather than return it.

But I thought: "Well, if I lost a hundred and fifty dollars, how would I feel?"

And I realized I would want to be taught a lesson.













PS:- This was a joke cracked by Emo Philips way back in t...

I'd like to move to the fifth most populated city in France.

I've heard it's nice.

A man applies for driving licence for the fifth time.

This man has already failed driving test 4 times. When he applied for the 5th time the examiner asked him the same old question you all read in the joke posted on this sub previously.

Examiner asked, "if you are going at the speed of 80 kmph and there is a mountain on one side of the road and...

Tommy Cooper gag

A classic Tommy Cooper gag ''I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?'' He said, ''How flexible are you?'' I said, ''I can't make Tuesdays'', was fifth.

Study reveals a fifth of parents regret how they named their children.

Then Study goes directly to bed because I'm raising him to be an early riser.

The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories. There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that she had missed Janie.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My...

There is a fifth, forgotten Horseman of the Apocalypse that nobody cares about.

His name is Ignorance.

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My fifth grade teacher taught me how to smoke pot and kiss.

Best hire I’ve ever made as a school principal.

A man falls down on a street from fifth floor, but seems to be relatively unharmed and manages to stand up.

People run up to him and ask: “Are you all right?! What happened?!”

The man answers: “I don’t know, I just got here myself”.

I'm writing my book in fifth person.

Every sentence starts with: "I heard from this guy who told somebody.."

The Investigation into Elon Musk's False Advertising Scandal Enters the Fifth Week.

Elongate is really drawn out.

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A man is walking down Fifth Avenue in New York City.

He sees a long line of people who all appear to be anxiously waiting for something. Intrigued, he asks a woman in the line what she's waiting for.

"Apparently the President is in town raising money for his family's legal bills," she responds.

"Huh. That's got to be a lot of money. I'm ...

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If you're allergic to milk, don't tell your fifth grade class

I was known as "the kid who's allergic to titties". The worst part is I believed it, so I thought for sure I was gay. But I second guessed myself, after remembering I was also allergic to nuts.


Later I found out I'm just dumb.

What do you call a Muslim man's fifth wife?

Harambae

I've never had a real girlfriend, besides that one in fifth grade...

Didn't really work out with me being a sophomore though.

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Hearts, diamonds, clubs, spades... oh? Looks like this house of cards has a fifth suit.

Sexual harassment suit.

This will be the fifth year in a row that my in-laws will come over for Christmas...

I think this time, we should let them in...

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Once in fifth grade this kid called me a homo.

I thought it meant homeless, I was so confused and I said: “Jeremy you’ve been to my house!”

I'm an attorney working on my fifth freelance project.

That guy really needs to stop getting arrested.

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The teacher walked into the classroom

and gave her fifth grade class a challenge to spell any 12 letter word. One kid raised his hand and the teacher called on him. "M-A-S-T-U-R-B-A-T-I-O-N," he spelt. The whole class laughed and the teacher was quite taken aback, but nevertheless congratulated him as it was a 12 letter word and he did ...

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A husband suspects his wife is having an affair.

But he fails to gather the adequate proof necessary to blame her.
One day after coming home he sees her wife in bed, stark naked.
"So my suspicion was right! Where is that bastard?" he shouts in anger and swiftly rushes to look for him.
He doesn't find anyone but right when he was about to ...

My 4 year old tells me that he saw the fifth leg of a horse

I was teaching my 4 year old about animal and their lifestyle. When I said "horses have 4 legs and a tail".

He straightaway replied "but dad I saw a horse with 5 legs and a tail standing with an aunty on your pc the other day".

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

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A man with a pill box was sitting in a fifth floor bar

When another man walks in, sits near him, and orders a drink. Not long after he notices his pill box only contained three pills, so he asked the first man “what’s with the pills?” He looks up from his drink and says that after taking one pill you should be able to fly for a few minutes, but quickly ...

Why did the one-fifth go to the masseuse?

Because he was two-tenths

I found the first four Harry Potter books to be quite light hearted and funny.

The fifth was dead Sirius.

The fifth season will start in a few days

Nuclear Winter

a joke from fifth grade

A woman staying in a hotel was taking a shower after a long days work when she heard a knock on her door. She went to the door, looked through the door-hole and saw it was her friend Steve. She wrapped a towel around her and opened the door.

"I finally got my racing licence!" exclaimed Steve...

I was walking down the road today and saw my Afghani neighbor, Abdul, standing on his fifth floor apartment balcony shaking a carpet.

I shouted up to him, “What’s up Abdul, won’t it start?”

A new survey shows that a fifth of British men have no idea how to turn on the washing machine.

I find chocolates or flowers usually do the trick.

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My old man sent me this gem! Had a good laugh

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
<...

In the ancient village of Gennemill, there lived the Trids...

The Trids were a happy folk, mostly due to their vast riches. They weren't known for being warriors, or for being artists, or for their architecture, but simply because they had the most gold, an entire mountain of it infact. But one day the powerful dragon, Sorial, swooped down on Gennemill and ove...

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard.

A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music comin...

Six reasons not to play russian roulette.

The fifth one will blow your mind!

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An ion walks into a bar...

A waitress comes over and the ion orders a whiskey. Time passes and people come and go. The ion is now on his fifth drink and is becoming increasingly erratic. The waitress brings over another round, but this time the ion tries to slap her on the ass as she leaves.

That's it for you, hon,...

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

C, E-flat, and G go into a bar.

The bartender says, "Sorry, but we don't serve minors." So E-flat leaves, and C and G have an open fifth between them. After a few drinks, the fifth is diminished, and G is out flat. F comes in and tries to augment the situation, but is not sharp enough. D comes in and heads for the bathroom, saying...

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[NSFW] At a family gathering, a father is drunkenly talking about his wild younger days with a cousin, while his son listens in.

Cousin: Did you ever do any coke back in the day?

Father: Oh yeah I did lots of cocaine back then. One time I took so much on a night out that my face went completely numb. I did about 6 lines in the space of 10 mins and then I went straight for the bar. I got a vodka at the bar but when I t...

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A guy was recruited for the first settlement on another planet....

The Settlement Chief met him on the landing site.

"This place is going to take some getting used to. It's like a mirror version of Earth. The elements which are rare on Earth are the most abundant here while the common elements are extremely rare."

"So why are we here then," the guy a...

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A man and his wife go for an evening walk around the neighborhood

As they walk, they stop in front of a tree and the man says, "Look at this tree. Remember when we planted it?"

"Of course I remember", the wife answers. "So many beautiful memories we have together."

"Indeed", says the man. "What great day that was!"

They keep walking and see an...

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

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WHY PEOPLE HATE SCHOOL RE-UNIONS

Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school.

They rediscover each other via a reunion website and arrange to meet for lunch in a wine bar.

Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace. She orders a bottle of Pinot Grigio.

Sue arrives shortly afterward, in grey...

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Five monkeys - an experiment

Start with a cage containing five monkeys. In the cage, hang a banana on a string and put stairs under it. Before long, a monkey will go to the stairs and start to climb towards the banana.

As soon as he touches the stairs, spray all of the monkeys with cold water. After a while, another monk...

A man walks into a bar and says "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

A man walks into a bar and says, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

He drinks the beer and then orders another saying, "Give me a beer before the problems start!"

The bartender looks confused. This goes on for a while, and after the fifth beer the bartender is totally confused...

A man is driving to work when he notices the flash of a traffic camera.

He figures that his picture had been taken for exceeding the limit, even though he knows that he wasn’t speeding. Just to be sure, he circles the block and passes the exact same spot, driving even slower this time through. Again, the camera flashes. He thinks it is hilarious, since he was obviously ...

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Six Letters of the Alphabet

Billy was a boy in kindergarten. At the end of the school day, the teacher gave the class a simple task.

“Ok class, I want you to go home tonight and learn the first six letters of the alphabet.”

So Billy left school determined to learn what the teacher had asked. When he got home, he ...

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So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village...

So during the WW2 german army occupied one ukrainian village. German officer said to make one line formed with all ukrainian men that living in the village. Then officer makes next order:

"Every woman that will recognize his husband by only sucking penises with closed eyes will save both hers...

Classic walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskies. He lines them up in a row and knocks back the first, third, and fifth glasses. Then he gets up to leave. " Don't you want the others?" asks the barman."You've only had three of your whiskies." "Best not" replies the man, "My doctor said it was only oka...

So a chicken walks into a library and says , “bock”. Sounding like “book” the librarian hands him a book. He takes it and goes happily on his way. Then the next day...

The chicken says "bock bock", and the librarian hands him two books. Away he went. The third day, chicken says "bock bock bock", and the librarian hands him three books. And so on until the fifth day, when the chicken says "bock bock bock bock bock", the librarian hands him five books and follows hi...

An old man was explaining to his grandson about major things that happened in his life.

“Now most people associate salsa as a Mexican condiment”, he said. “But actually we loved mayonnaise”. “Wow!”, said the boy. “Most people don’t know that in 1912 after docking in New York, the titanic’s next stop was the eastern shores of Mexico. And below the deck was 15 tons of mayo. As we all kno...

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So Ms. Delinsky is trying to get her 4th-graders to settle down for a quiz.

She's been having real problems with her newest year of students, who as always seem way rowdier than the year before them. She blames smart phones and internet memes for this. However, Ms. Delinsky a clever lady, and she thinks she has a plan. She's going to start a 'meme' in her class: Quiz Positi...

A Scotsman, Englishman and an Irishman were drinking at a bar

"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs
back home. In Glasgow , there's a wee place called McTavish's. The
landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks,
he'll buy the fifth drink."

"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my...

The man with a hammer...

In a small town in the countryside lived an old man all alone. He worked as a demolisher and all he had was a hammer.

One day he was called in to take down a small cabin by the river. It was just a room and he divided his work into five days. The first day he took down the roof. Second day h...

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

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Little Johnny, an altar boy, went into the confessional box because he has been seeing a girl

"Bless me father for I have sinned against the Lord."

The priest asks, "Little Johnny, is that you?"

"Indeed. It is I father"

"Let me guess, you came here to confess about seeing a girl?"

"My lips ar- wait, how did you know father?"

"BECAUSE THIS IS THE FIFTH TIME ...

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A man walks into a bar and takes a seat on one of the stools

The bartender looks at him and asks him what he'd like to drink. The man orders four shots of whiskey for himself. The bartender looks at the man and says "Four shots for yourself? What's the special occasion?" to which the man replies "First blowjob." The bartender puts on a congratulatory smile an...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

How did the Russian mathematician celebrate 4/20?

He drank a fifth of vodka.

A young Naval Officer has just boarded a ship that he will serve on for the next year.

He meets with the captain who gives him a tour, and tells him the way things are done on this ship. After the tour the young officer asks his captain “Sir we’re going to be on this boat for the next year, how do you guys last that long without the company of a woman?”. The captain ushers the young o...

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3 dudes stranded in an island

3 dudes stranded in an island. They are trying to survive together, unfortunately, there is a cult around there and the cult captures them right away. More for their despair, the cult leader is a human eater dude who loves sick stuff.

The leader gives 3 dudes a challenge. They will let them...

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”



The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it i...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a whisky neat....

He pins it in one go...

He orders another... pins that too..

After about 4 whiskys, the barman asks him "whats up?"

"Im after having my first blo job" says the guy..

"Ah good man..", says the barman.."here, have this whisky on the house..congratulations!!"

The guy ...

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Classic Joke for your taste

The first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what's your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"

Ms. ...

A man sells a dog.

The buyer asks, “Is he healthy?”

“My dog is very healthy,” the seller answers.

“Is he smart?”

“My dog is very smart.”

“Is he loyal?”

“Yes, my dog is extremely loyal! I’m selling him for the fifth time already.”

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

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[Long] A man was arrested for hunting without a license...

The judge said, "I see this is your third offense. You never learn. I'm going to give you a punishment you'll remember. I hereby sentence you to wear a deer costume and wait on all fours for a hunter to come by. You'll have a ball gag in your mouth, so you'll understand how the deer feel, as you won...

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5 surgeons discussing who makes the best patients to operate on

The first surgeon, says, "I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered." The second, responds, "Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded."

The third surgeon, says, "No, I really think librarian...

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf

A young guy gets paired with an elderly stranger for a round of golf. They're on the fifth green, the old guy is lining up a putt, when they notice a funeral procession passing by the course.

The man backs away from the putt, removes his cap, bows his head for a quick prayer, crosses himself...

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The Advice

In the province of Punjab, lived Joe- the most desirable man in the entire world. The prettiest women all around the world desired to have him, and Joe, who co-incidentally happened to be a big fan of The Office, was aware of the effect he had on women.

Joe was very clear that he wouldn’t le...

A Pig Walks Into A Bar...

He takes a seat and orders a beer.

After he drinks it, he asks the bartender where the restroom is. "Down the hall to the right," the bartender replies.

The pig uses the restroom and leaves.



A few minutes later another pig comes into the bar and orders two beers.

...

California Census

When California was determining its census rules, a law similar to the three fifths compromise was considered, under which two Asian Americans would be counted the same as one caucasian.

The law was rejected, because the lawmakers all agreed that two Wongs don't make a white.

My friend went to the bar and ordered 6 drinks

He took the first drink and drank it.

He took the second drink and tipped it on the floor.

He took the third drink and drank it.

He took the forth drink and tipped it on the floor.

He took the fifth drink and drank it.

He took the sixth drink and tipped it on the ...

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Two guys and a girl become shipwrecked on a deserted island...

but fortunately there is plenty of food and fresh water. Over the next few months, they build a little community: all three craft little huts out of sticks and leaves, and they fairly split up all the tasks and chores essential to their survival. They even build a little church where they go to pray...

A boy and girl are sitting in religious studies class

The teacher asks the girl, "Who is the all knowing and all powerful?" The boy sees that the girl has fallen a sleep and pokes her in the back. The girl shouts "God Almighty!" The teacher says "Very good" and the girl falls back asleep. Later in the class, the teacher asks the girl who their saviour ...

The stair joke

There was once a competition between 5 friends to walk up a flight of ten stairs, the first to get to the top wins. The catch? Every stair has a joke on it and if you were to laugh on any stair you were eliminated.

The first friend goes and makes it to the second stair before laughing at the...

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Anal Bug

So this guy, James, had an anal bug and he was reluctant to go to a real doctor, because of embarrassment.

After 3 days of agonizing itch, he called his English friend, Oliver, who agreed to help. Oliver came over and asked for Tea and Cookies, James got him some and was pretty pissed off at ...

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John is invited to meet the Pope.

John is very anxious about the meeting. He spends hours picking the right suit and making sure his hair looks just right. After what seems like an eternity, John is satisfied with his appearance.

When John arrives to meet the Pope there are about 50 other people in line ahead of him, so John ...

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Tax inspector marries a woman who was already married 6 times. First wedding night...

"Dear, please be careful, I'm a virgin!"

- No way! There were six spouses now?

"I'll explain everything to you.

My first husband was a psychiatrist. He was just talking about sex. Theoretically. Never did it in practice.

My second husband was a gynaecologist. He was just...

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A Texan is getting drunk in a bar in Alaska, and he starts to brag about how great Texas is.

An Alaskan hunter comes up to him and says, "Listen, buddy. Here in Alaska,
you ain't shit until you've done three things: Drink a fifth of Alaskan
whiskey, shoot a polar bear, and make love to an Eskimo woman."

The Texan accepts the challenge and starts by grabbing a bottle of whisky f...

A guy passes a store selling cheap trinkets from around the world

A small figurine in the window catches his eye. It's a little rabbit with a mallet getting ready to hit some mochi. The man recognises this as the rabbit in the moon from the story and decides he really likes it. He goes inside and asks the sales clerk about the price.

Upon hearing the price,...

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Olaf Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Queensland, took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground. As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor...

He said, "How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my fiancee, Lena, is still a virgin -- in every vay!"

The doctor told him, "Olaf, I'll have to put your willy in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week, but leave it on dere as long as you ...

An expecting father

John was always a loving husband. For years he was constantly on beck and call. He never strayed from his wife Marla and Marla adored John. For years and years John and Marla attempted to have children. They went to fertility clinics, they sought guidance from multiple specialists, and even tried al...

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Two nuns go into a liquor store

And ask for a fifth of Jack Daniels.

The clerk looks stun and says, "It is unusual to see nuns buying liquor."

The nuns say, "It is for Mother Superiors constipation." The clerk seems OK with it so he sells them the fifth of liquor. Several hours later he closes the store and after w...

Joe and the Train

Joe has been driving trains for years now and he was certainly not he best. He would leave late, overshoot stops and close the door on people frequently. This all came to head when one day, not paying attention, he drives into a herd of cows.

Police show up and Joe is questioned, but is ove...

Whenever you see four Catholics congregating,

You'll always see a fifth.

Three old women sneak some Jack Daniels into a baseball game, taking shots after each half inning. What inning is it now?

It's the bottom of the fifth, and the bags are loaded.

Monty Smith

Monty has five letters in his first name...
He has 5 letters in his second name...

He has lived his entire life at 555 West 55th Street
In NYC

And worked his entire career at Saks 5 Avenue

He met his wife in Fifth Grade..

He has 5 kids and owns 5 cars...

Nee...

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...

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There once was a man who’s lucky number was 5.

John was born on the 5th of May in 1955, at precisely 5:55 am, when his parents were both 55 years old. He lived on the fifth floor of an apartment, 5 hours away from his school.

As he grew up, the number five cropped up in his life in weird and wonderful ways. He was five minutes late to eve...

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