Shakespeare is visiting his friend who lives in an apartment building. He remembers that he said they were on the second floor in room B. He walks up the stairs and finds the room, but upon reaching to knock, he hesitates and wonders if his friend said he was on the second floor or third floor:

He thinks too himself “2B or not 2B?”
That is the question!

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I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

A little girl was sitting on her granddad's lap while he read her a story. She kept taking her eyes of the book and reaching up and touching his old, wrinkled face.

After a few times doing this, she finally asked, "Grandpa, were you made by God?"

"Yes, dear." he replied. "I was made by God a long time ago."

The little girl paused for a moment and then asked, "And did God make me?"

"Of course, dear." replied her grandfather. "God made you no...

I'm reaching out on behalf of a friend of mine who needs some help!

His wife told him to go out and get some of those pills that would help him get an erection.

When he came back he handed her some diet pills.

Anyway, he's looking for a place to live. Can you help him?

If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal,

then she's a keeper.

Reaching the end of a job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

Nearly 200,000 Californians evacuated due to Oroville Dam reaching a likely catastrophic failure. You may think this isn't the time to bring up politics however this is Trump's fault.

No man made structure was built to hold so many liberal tears.

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A young married couple decides to join a church...

They attend a few introductory classes and meet with the pastor, who will decide whether they'll be approved for membership.

The pastor says, "Well, as you may have heard, we take fasting pretty seriously here. And Lent is just around the corner. I'd like to ask you to do something that may s...

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A doctor rushes out of the hospital to sign a contract at his lawyer's office. Reaching into his jacket pocket he pulls out a rectal thermometer...

"Dammit, some asshole's got my pen again!"

A preacher is reaching....

...the end of his sermon. He tells the congregation "Now for next week, I need everyone to read Leviticus chapter 28. It ties into my sermon" A week passes. The preacher reached the pulpit and asked "How many of you read Leviticus chapter 28?" Everyone raised their hands. The preacher looked and sai...

George R R Martin, dead after reaching peak popularity

Just like one of his characters.

(If this trash of a post hit the front page, the title could really mess with some GoT fans, I'm just saying)

How do the blind know when they're reaching the ground on a parachute jump?

The leash goes slack

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A man dies at a young age and goes to heaven.

His only problem with the life he had was that he wasn't successful. Upon reaching the pearly gates, he was met by a beautiful young woman.

"You and I can have a great time in there, or you can climb the ladder to success." The man simply couldn't let the offer pass by. He placed a rock on hi...

Wendy was dared by her male classmate to climb to the top of the school’s flagpole

She bets him an ice cream that she can and he agrees. She climbs all the way to the top and gets ice cream.
Upon reaching home, she bragged to her mom, feeling proud about what she did.
“Oh, Wendy. You do know that he just wanted you to climb the pole so he could see your underwear.” She say...

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So I was reaching for the Viagra...

But I picked up the tipp-ex by mistake. I woke up with a massive correction.

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A father and his young son go to a restaurant and to keep him occupied, he gives the boy three pennies to play with. Suddenly, the boy starts choking and his face starts turning blue! The father realizes the boy has swallowed the pennies and starts slapping him on the back...

The boy coughs up two of the pennies, but keeps choking.

Looking at his son, panicking, the father starts shouting for help.

A well dressed, serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a nearby table reading from her laptop and sipping a cup of coffee.

At the so...

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The Octopus Joke Retold

So this guy walks into a bar with an Octopus. He is named the Amazing Octodad, seriously it's on his T-shirt. He heads to the bar, gets a beer and waits for the music to stop. A cute blonde gives a weird wtf look when a tentacle starts wriggling over to tickle her leg but Octodad just winks and says...

So this farmer named Juan wants to run for city council.

He notices his small town is going downhill and wants to make a difference. He asks his wife what his slogan should be and she says: "Well you don't beat me, the kids, or your cow, so use that."

So Juan runs for city council using the slogan: "I don't beat my wife, I don't beat my kids, I don...

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Police officers stops car towing, no idea for better title

first time poster, not sure if its re-post sorry if it is, translated as im not from english speaking countrie

Driver of old Yugo (old shitty car) had stopped on highway because of engine problem and started to stop cars for towing to nearest exit, there happened to Ferrari driver to stop and...

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There once lived a great detective...

There once lived a great detective named Stewart. He was the best detective of his time. But he was no ordinary detective. He could solve every case he encountered with the help of the magical powers bestowed to him by a fairy.

The fairy gave him the power to gain insight on any case by think...

What did the spice say when it was reaching climax?

I'm Cumin!

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Golfing with a hitman

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a guy carrying a golf bag called out to them.


"Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn't turn up".

Sure, they said, you’re welcome.

So they started playing and enjoyed the game ...

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Magic

Steven was Andrew and Sasha’s third child. He had always been peculiar. For instance, by the time he
was barely two, he could hold a proper thirty minute conversation with any adult. And he loved to talk. Well at first, at least. However, as years passed, it started becoming a problem when he sta...

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

A drugs squad officer stopped at a farm

...near Bradford, and talked with an old farmer.

He told the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for illegally grown drugs."

The farmer said, "Okay, but don't go in that field over there...", as he pointed out the location.

The drugs squad officer verbally exploded saying, "Mis...

An atheist goes for a walk in the woods.

“What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly charge towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked ...

An American politician invites an Indian minister to his home.

The AP shows the Indian minister his Rolls Royce.

"Beautiful isn't it?" He asks the minister.

"Hmm, Yes it is"

"Wanna know how I could afford to buy it?"
*the AP points in a direction*
"You see that bridge over there? 5% of its building funds went into my pockets"
<...

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For his birthday a man decides to hold a costume party

To put a twist on things, he declares in his invitations that the theme of the party will be feelings and emotions.

On the night in question, the host is putting the final touches on the decorations when the doorbell chimes.

The host opens the door to his first guest, a man with his fa...

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The devil was feeling generous one day

So he decided to give three guys a chance to leave hell and make it to heaven.

"See that ladder over there?" he asked them, pointing to an ornate golden ladder reaching up out of the flames and into white fluffy clouds beyond.

"If you can make it to the top without laughing, I'll let h...

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The Challenge [NSFW]

A man walks into a bar, reaching the counter a sign hangs above the bar stating, “Complete The Challenge and Win Free Alcohol for Life!” Intrigued by this the man asks the bartender what exactly is the challenge. “Well first off you have to drink a gallon of apple cider vinegar, second we keep a gat...

A rich mother in law has 3 daughters who are married off to 3 men....

She wanted to test whether her sons in law really cared about her or not. So she devised a plan. She invites her first SIL for a run and after reaching a river she purposefully slips into the river's current.
Without any hesitation first SIL jumps into the river and saves her. The very next day h...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

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World-wide known John

One day, one big company's boss decided to visit his employees. There was one man who was greeted cheerfully by everyone. Like really everyone. His name was John. Boss stopped him for a while and asked him a question 'John, how is it possible that our accountant, manager, supplier and even our new c...

How can you scare people with your impression of an elephant?

Turn both of your pants pockets inside out, and say, “hey, you ever seen my impression of an elephant?” while reaching for your zipper.

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The artist and the museum (long)

An artist is approached by a man who says he's to be the curator of a new museum dedicated to General George Custer and he wanted to hire the artist to paint a mural that was to be the centerpiece of the largest display.

The artist agrees and asks the curator if he had any particular subject...

The Computer Nerd and His Apprentice

So, I have a story about a wise old computing nerd and his new technological apprentice. He wanted to tell his young child some core life morals, as well as teach about old technology.

The wise man first showed the kid a polaroid camera. The kid quickly took it, and snapped a photo, but was v...

A blonde, a brunette and a red head were stranded on a desert island....

The brunette was a very intelligent woman and was able to figure out using her years of mathematical know-how, that it was 20 miles to the nearest shore and she thought she could swim it.

So off she went and made it out 5 miles and got exhausted and drowned.

After a few days the redhea...

A man walks into a bar

with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what’s in the bag.

The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, of about 12 inches height, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setti...

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

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Another stutterer

A guy with a terrible stutter goes to the doctor. Doctor examines him, and says, "I'm afraid the problem is your large penis. It requires such an enormous blood supply, not enough blood is reaching the speech center in your brain."

"W-w-well, what c-c-can I d-d-do?" asks the guy.

"We c...

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An ok dude dies and goes to heaven

Reaching the Pearly Gates, he sees Saint Peter, who stops him immediately. Saint Peter then says :

"Hey you, where do you think you're going ?"

"Inside", says the guy.

"Inside?" The Saint wonders. "Let me check my books for a while."

So, a couple minutes pass and he fina...

An Indian scientist was collaborating with an American called Robert

Both of them being genetic researchers, they had reached a breakthrough in rice where a gene introduced would help it grow in the most adverse of conditions. They called it Victory gene, or V gene for short.

But Robert decided to steal the credit for himself, so he stole the v gene, and escap...

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Billy has had bad luck with women in general but to top it off, he also has this obscure fetish where he likes to piss in his s/o’s mouth. So he decides to give tinder a go.

Luckily for Billy, he got a few matches.

His matches didn’t initially know about his fetish, he wanted to disclose that information as things got more frisky.

One by one Billy took his matches on a date which eventually led to them going to his bed. Upon reaching his bed, he’d ask th...

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A kid walks up to his grandpa and asks him for a cigarette

The grandpa asks, Can your dick touch your asshole? Kid says no so grandpa tells him to ask again when it can.

Later the kid asks his grandpa for a beer and his grandpa asks again if his dick can touch his asshole, again kid says no and grandpa tells him to come back when it can.

Later...

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A black man, an Irish guy, a Jew and a Greek guy die and go to heaven.

When they get to heaven, St. Peter says “All of you will go through a test of temptation, if you pass the test, you can come back to life”. The four men agree and begin their test.

It involves them walking down a street with multiple forms of temptation on the sides.

As they’re walki...

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed...

A priest, a drunk, and a engineer are about to be executed in France during the French Revolution. The priest is first in line and the executor asks him if he wants to be looking up or down as the guillotine blade falls on him. The priest replies "I want to look up at the heavens before I die." As a...

Going to Heaven

A man comes home to find his daughter crying at the front door. She sobs, “I think kitty is dead, she’s on her back and not moving”. Sure enough the girls kitten is on the ground paws in the air. Trying to come up with a reasonable story, the man tells his daughter that Kitty is reaching up as God ...

So there was this society where everybody was born really weak.

The more wealth you had, either through actual money or possessions, the more you would reach your maximum power percentage. Most people had around a 50% power percentage, parents would give some of their belongings to their kids at birth so they would be strong enough to walk, but people who went a...

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One of my drill sergeants favorite stories

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

A woman is on her way to church

Wearing a tight leather skirt, she realizes she can’t reach her leg up to the first step of her church’s shuttle bus. Reaching behind her, she pulls the zipper down a little bit then tries again.

She attempts to take a step up, can’t reach, and reaches behind her again to pull down the zippe...

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Shipwreck Hell NSFW

During a bad storm a ship overturns in the middle of the ocean, three men survive and float on debris for days before reaching a island. The men wake to find themselfs tied up in a small hut.

A tribal leader enters
"you may choose death, or you may choose punga!"

The men look at eac...

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A police officer catches Dave duck-hunting, checks to make sure he has the right license.

So Dave went hunting in the woods, one day, and ***BAM!***, shot a duck.

A bored, nearby trooper waiting in his patrol car near the highway hears the gunshot, gets out, and runs into the woods to find Dave holding the duck.

The trooper yells, pointing at Dave, "You stop right there! L...

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A young newlywed couple wanted to join a church

The pastor told them, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."
The couple agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.
The pastor asked them, "Well, were you able to get through the two weeks without being intimate?"
"Pastor, I'm ...

A long blonde joke

A Ventriloquist Tours Norway

A young ventriloquist is touring Norway and puts on a show in a small fishing town.

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting:...

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What's the best part about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

Locked My Keys In The Car

A devout lady was feeling drowsy while driving home on a quiet highway, so she pulled over, and got out for a walk and some fresh air. When she returned to her car, she was horrified to discover that she had locked her keys inside. She searched her pockets but found nothing to help; no keys; no ph...

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Death awaits

4 friends are hanging out at an abandon hospital. Their names are Eric, David, Stacy, and Mohammad. Eric is an outgoing guy who will often spend his weekends stunt driving. David just got out of basic training, Stacy is a professional swimmer, and Mohammad makes coffins for a living, and in his free...

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A wife comes home and finds her husband in bed with a young woman.

As she is reaching for the phone to call her lawyer, he says, "Wait a minute! I can explain everything!
"I was at the mall and I saw this young lady sitting with a sign saying 'Will work for food', and you know the yard has needed a good clean-up, so I told her if she was willing to come and cl...

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A ship crashes leaving 3 survivors... one French , one Canadian , and one American

They swim to the nearest island... as soon as they get there they are confronted by armed islanders
After explaining to the islanders how they ended up there ... the islanders tell them that in order to live they each have to complete a task.
The task is simple. Each one of them must go into t...

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.
At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.
He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.
When the offerin...

Hell is now open to tourists.

They first visit the Hall of the greatest criminals. The criminals are standing in blood.

Hitler is waist-deep in blood, his gaze angry, his mouth shouting something that tourists do not hear.

Stalin stands to Hitler’s left, silent, with a sardonic smile on his lips, blood reaching to ...

A man visits a chicken farm.

A man visits a chicken farm to buy some eggs. He knocks on the farmhouse door, the farmer opens it and invites him in. After picking out a box of a dozen eggs, the man caught a glimpse of a golden shine coming through a slightly opened door to his left. The man asks the farmer about the light and is...

A joke my grandfather told me

As you may know, many small churches in England have bell towers. Well, the bellringer for one such church, upon reaching retirement age, quit his position, leaving a job opening. Unfortunately, the demand for such a job was low and the bellringer position remained empty for several weeks. Eventuall...

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DOOM

The police officer approaches me slowly, his hand on his pistol. “Sir, can you please come down from that tree?”

“Not a chance!”

He surveys the destruction all around us. “What happened here?”

I stare at the smoking remains of my house and mutter, “Doom.”

The Police offic...

A man walks into a bar

Upon realising that bar jokes often end in humiliation, loss or death, he smashes a beer bottle to use as an impromptu weapon to defend himself.

This attracts the attention of the bouncer, who attempts to evict him. Terrified that the outside world is where he meets his fate, he stabs the man...

A blonde was determined to prove people wrong

So she speaks to her husband about this after reading dozens of blond jokes.

“I’m fed up with this, I’ve never done something so stupid! I can do something to prove everyone wrong about blondes and what a better opportunity since we just moved into this house.”

Husband replies with a c...

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A man walks into a public restroom

... and finds another man staring down into the urinal trough. The first man steps up for a look and sees a $1 bill laying piss-soaked in the bottom of the urinal.

The two men lock eyes for a moment of mutual understanding. Then the first man reaches into his pocket, pulls out a $20 bill and...

They lifted their blades in one last final assualt...

The battle was long, perilous, and gruesome. The twins made it through nearly three quarters of the enemy battalion before reaching the final lines of the fray. Wielding naught but rags and broken tools after their endless nightmare, they saw the end stretching over the thin horizon.

One last...

How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "Lawyer", and the party of

the second part, also known as "Light Bulb", do hereby and forthwith agree

to a transaction wherein the party of the second part shall be removed from

the current position as a result of failure to p...

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[NSFW/Slightly Offensive] What is the best thing about having sex with a Transvestite?

Reaching around and pretending it went all the way through.

*This is my first post here, and I hope I didn't offend anyone too much. I heard this joke in a pub in central Australia and found it way to funny.*

Did the band Earth, Wind, & Fire even know...

...how close they were to reaching the Avatar state?

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A CIA superspy assasin retires...

... So the agency posts an ad on Craigslist to fill the position. After a while, the field is narrowed down to just three well qualified applicants. They're flown to Langley to interview.

The first candidate is Major Ron L Lubbold: Army Ranger, a 15 year veteran of 6 combat deployments and ov...

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A businessman is going out of town for 3 weeks...

His wife is a total nympho and he knows that she will never be able to remain faithful for that long. In an attempt to quell her sexual appetite, he goes to a sex shop on the outskirts of town. He spends several minutes pouring over dozens of dildos, dongs, vibrators, and other toys. However, he kno...

Three men were sentenced to death.

The day of their execution arrives, the first man was hanged but fortunately the rope loosens and he fells into the water below the platform. The same happens with the second man. It was now the turn of the third man, but before reaching to the pole he requests the person in charge, "You better tigh...

A man takes a shortcut home through a graveyard at night.

Whistling loudly to steel himself against the cold fingers of fear, he strides quickly towards his destination.

As his eyes adjust to the dark, he notices an uncovered grave left by a lazy gravedigger. Feeling an uneasy chill, he averts his eyes from the coffin laid inside, missing the spade...

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A man walks into a bar, and sits with a group of men.

After a short while, he goes over to the bartender. He buys a drink, and then buys another. He drinks both, orders a third, and then looks over to the bartender. ‘Hey, listen, I’ve got a bet for you.’

The bartender was intrigued, so he encouraged the drunken man. ‘Go on, shoot’ he says.
<...

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'What is 2+2?'

The teacher asked Billy. He shakes his head as the teacher told him to ask his family. When he reached home, Billy asked his dad who replied 'Are you stupid?'. Billy then asked his sister who was on the phone with her boyfriend. She said to her boyfriend 'Let's go baby'. Then, Billy went to ask his...

Chicken joke

Farmer wants to go to the movies, but they won't let him bring in his pet chicken. He goes around the corner, stuffs the chicken down his pants,goes in and sits down next to two old ladies, Ethel and Ruth.

After the movie starts, Ruth leans over to Ethel and says,"this man next to me just un...

How many existentialists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two. One to screw it in and one to observe how the lightbulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.

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Three couples want to join a church

Three couples want to join a church, an elderly couple, a middle aged couple, and newlyweds. They’re in a meeting with the pastor and he tells them that if they want to join, they need to abstain from sex for 2 weeks to prove their devotion to the church.

Two weeks go by, and the couples mee...

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The bankers wager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After a lengthy discussions the president of the Bank asked ...

Three men approach the pearly gates in heaven.

One day, in heaven, three men approached the big pearly gates and were greeted by God.

"Hello, are you the young men from the car crash just now?" He says.

"Yes, and we assume this is heaven?" Answered the first man

"Of course. Now, if you would follow me, we have some busines...

A man was riding on his Harley...

A man on his Harley was riding along a California beach when suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, God said, "Because you have tried to be faithful to me in all ways, I will grant you one wish."
The biker pulled over and said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can ride ove...

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