Hey girl, are you a broken compass?

Because I’m not really sure where I’m going with this

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I recently lost my compass.

Uh.. I forgot where I was going with this joke.

My compass broke on a hiking trip.

It went south very quickly.

Why did East Germany have a drafting compass on their flag?

So that you could draw the direction the country was going.

Two people are putting together a compass

One of them says, "Okay, I got the North part here, South here, and East right here". Then the other guy says, "where's the West of it?"

There's no need for maps and compasses when the world is flat

out gorgeous and every inch deserves to be explored and discovered in it's natural beauty.

Breaking news: A teacher was arrested for carrying a protractor, a compass and a divider.

The cited reason for the arrest was: " He was carrying weapons of math instruction".

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

What do you call a fruit that’s very sympathetic?

A compassion fruit

Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.

A man is canoeing in the everglades

After spending the day exploring, things look differently then he remembers finding his way back, and realizes he’s lost.

To make matters worse, a large reptilian appears to be swimming under and around his boat as the sun is starting to drop.

At his wits end, he yells “goddammit im l...

What do you call a crocodile with a map and compass ?

A navigator.

What's it called when someone smashes a compass?

Breaking NEWS.

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Where do grammar Nazis fall on the political compass?

Alt-Write

Recently I was lost in the jungle but luckily I had a compass with me...

So I could draw perfect circles with a pencil...

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My dad said he unscrambled a word out of the directions on his compass.

That's news.

Female compassion.

Barry returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife, Carolyn that
the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live.

Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him.

Of course she agreed and they made passionate love.

Six hours later, Barry went to her again, ...

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When I was lost in the woods

A couple of years ago, I was walking through the woods when I became lost. I had no compass, no map and wandered for hours, then days trying to find my way back. As I made my way through the muck and mud, I became hungry, more hungry than I had ever been, and found a few berries to satiate me for a ...

A frenchman, an englishman, and a new yorker go on an expedition and find an uncharted island.

It turns out it is run by cannibals.
They are ambushed, their weapons stolen, and they are apprehended by the chief of the tribe, who says "You are forbidden from setting foot on this island. We are going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. However, we are not without compassion. We w...

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

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Lebron's life is like one big compass...

He went South, His hairline went North, his dad went East and his mom went Delonte West.

What's the most effective way to make it to Russia from Alaska?

Boat a compass and keeping your berings strait.

At Heathrow Airport today...

An individual claiming to be a school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a compass, a protractor, and a graphical calculator.

Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra crime syndicate and charged him with carrying weapons of math destructio...

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Did you hear about the mushroom hunter who was terrible at finding edible mushrooms, so would resort to stealing them from the baskets of other hunters?

He had no morel compass.

An American, a Frenchman, and a Canadian go on vacation to Saudi Arabia

...and once there, they are caught drinking smuggled alcohol. They are arrested, and each sentenced to 100 lashes by the whip as punishment.

Now the officer assigned to do the whipping says "It is my favorite wife's birthday, and she asked that I show a little compassion as I work today. I wi...

The Tates Watch Company

Back in the 1800s the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for watches, they used them to produce compasses.



The new compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. ...

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2 brothers are lost in the woods

Without a map or any food they wander the woods in hopes of finding something!
After a few hours they spot a small hut, with smoke coming from a chimney.
Ecstatic, they run right to the door and begin pounding.
An old overweight woman answers the door.
"My what striking young men you are...

An elderly German man visits his priest for confession...

An elderly man in Germany walks into a confessional box after feeling the urge that he needed to confess.

Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned. During the great war I hid a Jewish refugee in my attic.

Priest: Well, that's not a sin my son, but rather a heroic act of great compassi...

A man is waiting for his wife to give birth...

The doctor comes in and informs him that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. Your son is just a head!

But the father loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and
compassion. After 21 years, the son is old enough for his first drink. Dad
takes him to the bar an...

Breaking News: Al-Gebra Operative Arrested

A man was arrested today at John F. Kennedy International airport , New York, as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator. At a morning press conference, Attorney General Jeff Sessions said he believes the man is a member o...

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A legend of the Native Americans

While many people know of Sequoya, the Native American genius who developed the Cherokee alphabet, fewer have heard of another visionary – yet he made a discovery no less groundbreaking, owing nothing to the white man’s knowledge.

It fell out like this: In the early 1800s, a certain chief, ...

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a texan, a frenchman, and a new yorker get kidnapped by cannabals

the cannabal chief says:
"We're going to eat you and use your skins to build a canoe. But we are not without compassion, we will let you choose how you die."


"I would like a knife" said the texan

the texan got the knife and slit his throat.
"remember the alamo" he said before...

The Wisdom of an Older Man

An older man approached an attractive younger woman at a shopping mall.
''Excuse me; I can't seem to find my wife. Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?''
The woman, feeling a bit of compassion for the old fellow, said, ''Of course, sir. Do you know where your wife might be?''
''I hav...

Vatican to elevate pope Francis to sainthood-report

Reports are emerging from the vatican that the current pope will be recommended for sainthood due to his compassion for his fellow man. When asked about the holy father's reaction, a vatican official said, 'In keeping with modern times, the pontiff would like to be the patron saint of email, St.Fran...

A man excitedly goes to a Catholic convention upon hearing that the Pope is in town and will be there.

In addition to being a devout Christian, he's always been a huge fan of the Pope and dreamed of meeting him and couldn't pass up the opportunity.

He spent days and hours prior trying to find his best outfit and suit, trying many different getups trying to find the most appropriate and respect...

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely..

..so God asked Adam, “What is bothering you?”

Adam said, “Lord, I don’t have anyone to talk to.”

God said, “Then I will give you a companion, and she will be called a ‘woman’. This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She...

R.I.P Bob

Bob was a bus conductor-cum-driver. He had been going through rough times, with his wife leaving him for his best friend. One day on the job, he saw a young woman, probably in her early 20's signalling for the bus. Bob couldn't hold his rage in anymore and vented his frustration on the pedal, killin...

A blind tourist asks for directions...

A blind tourist asks a fella for directions.

He says, "Where can I find my way to Seattle?"

The fella looks at him, up and down, he hands the blind tourist a compass and said "Just follow the needle. "

The blind tourist replies sarcasticly, "oh haha, thaat's hilarious." and wal...

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Man gets lost in the desert.

He has no compass and he has lost his sense of direction.

Suddenly he sees a caravan on the horizon. He jumps, shouts and waves his arms to get their attention, and, oh joy, they notice him and move in his direction.

But his happiness is short lived, as the travelers turn out to be m...

Two soldiers are held captive by the Taliban

They are told that they are going to be executed the next day. "We are not without compassion" says one of the captors. "We will allow you each one last wish." The first soldier says he has always been the biggest fan of Bryan Adams, and he would like to hear the song 'Everything I do I do it for yo...

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon an ancient village.

One day, a man exploring a jungle stumbles upon a legendary ancient village. The villagers, who to the man's surprise are still alive and well, lavish him with praise. They think he must be a god! But he must first be tested, just to be sure.

So the chief of the village takes him to a row of ...

The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

The year is 13,000 BC. The first human migrants to America are about to cross the land bridge between Eastern Russia and Alaska. The navigator seems a bit lost.

"You alright?" They ask him, waiting eagerly at the shore with a distant view of the new lands that awaited them.

"Yeah, I th...

A man is strolling past the mental hospital

and suddenly remembers an important meeting.

Unfortunately, his watch has stopped, and he cannot tell if he is late or not. Then, he notices a patient similarly strolling about within the hospital fence.

Calling out to the patient, the man says, "Pardon me, sir, but do you have the tim...

An American, An Englishman, and a German are walking down a country road...

...When they see storm clouds on the horizon. Not wanting to spend the night out in the cold rain, they run for the nearest shelter they can make out: A farmhouse. They ask the farmer if they can stay the night, and he replies, "Well, I DID have three beds, but one of them got infected with bedbugs....

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The long-distance eyesight competition

A world championship eyesight competition is taking place in Japan. After several days, the 3 final runner-ups have to prove to the world, the audience and the judges who has the world's best long-distance eyesight.

The first guy steps up into the podium. He looks toward the West and squints ...

Adam felt sad and lonely in the Garden of Eden

"What is wrong, my child?" asked God.

"Lord, I am lonely," relplied Adam, "I wish I had a companion."

"Well, I've got just the one for you," said God. "She's perfect! She is lithe and youthful, and shall always remain so. She utters beauty when she speaks, and she listens with attentio...

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A man walks into a Cabelas...

He walks up to the counter and asks the teller "Where do you keep your compass'?" The teller says, "They're over on the southeast wall." in which the man replies, "Fuck you, Guy"

He did nut see that coming

A bus driver is on his daily routine, when an elderly woman gets on the bus and sits right behind him. After a minute she hands him a peanut.

"Thank you ma'am" says the bus driver.

A few seconds later she hands him another peanut.

"I appreciate your kindness ma'am, thank you" sa...

An American, a German, and a Chinese man were all arguing over their drinks about whose country was the best.

An American, a German, and a Chinese man were all arguing over their drinks about whose country was the best.

The American started things off. "America invented the atomic bomb, discovered DNA, made the Internet, and went to the Moon. Without us, none of those things would have happened."
...

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An anthropologist is completing his lifelong study of world dance...

And he's celebrating. Celebrating his tail off.

See, he'd spent the last 25 years cataloging every single dance performed by every group in the world. Polish Bogarodzicas. Sioux Buckskin dances to Seminole Green Corn dances. Inuit dances to the whales, Ghanaian Kpanlongo, Finnish step-dance. ...

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Three religious leaders are golfing.

After the fourth hole, they are told that they need to wait to continue in order to accommodate a group of blind golfers. [One religious leader] opines, "To see people overcoming their disabilities to do something they love truly demonstrates the compassion of [diety]." "It's wonderful to see that t...

A farmer and his wife

A farmer and his wife are traveling in their one-horse wagon down the road.

The horse falters and causes the wagon to jolt. The farmer says, "That's one."

The horse falters again and the farmer says, "That's two."

The horse falters a third time and the farmer stops the wagon, ge...

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Captain's log

31.08.1883
We sailed to the West,we hope to find a new continent.Crew is in good mood, food is excellent, 5 girls from the harbor are with us and they are very happy.

31.10.1883
Compass died, we are navigating using the stars and the suns (when it's not cloudy,fu*king clouds)
Crew is...

The Good Natured Hunter

Two old fellows are out hunting. The one with the gun sees a buck, broadside, and glistening in the sunlight. Just as he is about to take the shot they see a funeral procession going along a road in the distance. The fellow lowers his gun and tips his hat at the procession - and the deer runs off in...

A priest dies...

And goes to heaven. There's a small queue to get in, and when he gets to be second in line, he overhears St. Peter asking some basic questions to the man in front of him, like what's your name/ occupation, and where are you from? They guy in front of the priest is wearing tight fitting, torn black c...

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hangs his head in disappointment and shame, knowing he's contracted an STD,

A old man who's been in a nursing home for many years starts bugging the administrator to let him have a weekend pass, to 'sow his last wild oats', he says, before he finally passes on. Every week he asks the same question and every week he's turned down.
Months later there's a change of staff, w...

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