A Vicar was preaching on the Demon Drink, saying whiskey can kill but water can’t.

To prove it he had a glass of each. He dropped a worm into the water and it wiggled about. He dropped a worm into the whiskey.

Stone dead.

A person at the back jumped up shouting, "I’ll have the whiskey Vicar! I’ve been having trouble with worms all my life”

If anyone says you have to work 365 days in 2020 in order to succeed, they don’t have your best interests in mind and is preaching toxic hustle culture

You need to work 366 days cause it’s a leap year

A weird plant knocked on my door, preaching at me to ditch my current moisturiser.

I slammed the door in its face. Damn jojoba’s witnesses.

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Preaching the truth.

Guy talking to stranger: Bisexuality isn't hard to understand. Guys are cute girls are cute. What more do you want from me.

*stranger cocking gun* : Your wallet.

I was wearing my most kawaii outfit the other day and this guy, who was no where near as kawaii as me, started saying how I should dress up in kawaii stuff. I was like, mate. I'm more kawaii than you...

You're preaching to the kawaii-er.

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A christian mother thought to herself since my husband has been working so hard preaching maybe i should cook him a nice dinner...

He loves ham so i'll get him some ham. She went to the grocery store and asked mr. Brown the deli manager "Do you have some fresh ham?" He said "no all I have is some damham" She said "I'm a christian how dare you say that to me?" He said "No thats the brand see?" "Oh!" she said, it has a beaver and...

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A man of the cloth was touring the country preaching.

He stopped at an unfamiliar hotel chain for the night and asked for a room. He took his room key and told the young woman working behind the front desk, "There better be bibles in the nightstand and the porn channels disabled."

She looked shocked and responded "No! They're normal you pervert!...

Have you seen the entitled philosopher preaching outside the women’s dorm today?

What a Kant.

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Father O’Mally has been preaching

at his church in Ireland for so long, that he decides to take a vacation. He has never been married and he is curious as to what an American endures in everyday life. So, he decides to go to the States before it is too late. He hops on the plane bound for Nevada. He arrives in the Airport in Las Veg...

Preaching to a bear

A Catholic priest, an Orthodox priest and a rabbi argue who of them is the best preacher of their faith. The decide to settle the matter by going deep into the woods and trying to convert a bear. When they meet one week later, the Catholic and Orthodox priests are beaming with smug satisfaction, whi...

Two boys were walking home from church after hearing a strong preaching on the devil...

One said to the other, "What do you think about all this Satan stuff?"
The other boy replied, "Well, you know how Santa Claus turned out. It's probably just your dad"

Preaching to a bear.

A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a Rabbi all served as Chaplains to the students of Northern Michigan University at Marquette in the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.

One day, someone made the comment that pre...

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On a fine Sunday the church was full...

The father was preaching while suddenly a very hot lady with big tits screams "Patrick you Bastard"
In about 20 mins she screams again "Patrick you Bastard"
This goes on through out the whole session and as people were leaving, father approaches the lady and asks her calmly to tell him what wa...

Two pastors

Early one evening two pastors run into each other at the local church,

“Good evening, Brother Andrew, how are you tonight?”

“Oh, Brother George, not too well, somebody stole my bicycle.”

“That’s too terrible, Brother Andrew, but if you’re preaching about the 10 commandments late...

A preacher was told by his doctor that he had only a few weeks left to live.

He went home feeling very sad, and when his wife heard the sad news she said to him, "Honey, if there's anything I can do to make you happy, tell me."

The preacher answered, "You know, dear, there's that box in the kitchen cabinet with what you always called "your little secret" in it and you...

An American missionary visits a small farming village in Africa...

He's giving his fire and brimstone speech, preaching to all the locals, and they are INTO IT. "He is the light and the way," he says, "without whom we would all be damned to eternal hellfire!"

"Hazunga!" Yell the natives.

"Accept Christ as your lord and savior, or be cast down!"
...

A bus driver and a priest died and went to heaven

St. Peter greeted them both and led them to their new homes in heaven. They went to the bus driver's home first, and saw a large mansion. When the priest saw this, he was very excited because he was sure that he'd get a grander house, because clearly, he had done me good in his life than the bus dri...

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The Nun

A man was walking into a bar when a nun shouted at him “drinking is a sin” the man replied “have you ever actually tied alcohol before?” The nun says no. The man looks at her and says “then how about I go in and get you a glass of whiskey, if you don’t like it then continue preaching” “ok,” says th...

A priest and a permanently drunken bus driver from the same village come to the pearly gates and request entry to heaven.

St. Peter says to the priest " You wait two years," and to the bus driver, " You go straight in."

The priest protests, " How come? I have been preaching every Sunday for so many years - and he is nothing but a drunken bus driver."

St. Peter replies, "Listen, when you preached, they all...

A pastor and and an airline pilot meet St Nick at the Gates to Heaven. The airline pilot is first to approach the saint

Peter: Name and profession please

Pilot: John Williams, Ryanair pilot.

Peter: *riffles through a massive book* John Williams...John Williams... umm... ah yes!

Peter: clicks his fingers and a beautiful silk robe and ornate golden staff appear out of thin air.

Peter: please...

Easter Joke

A Buddhist, Hindu, and atheist die and go to heaven. St. Peter greets them and says, "Well I have good news and bad news. The bad news is you backed the wrong horse. Christianity is the true faith, but the good news is you can still get into heaven if you can correctly answer a question."

He...

A young seminary graduate was delivering his first sermon...

When the young seminary graduate arrived at the small country Church to preach his first official sermon, he noticed it had snowed about three feet deep just hours before Church was scheduled to begin. Due to the snow, An elderly, white bearded farmer was the only person to show up for the service.<...

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A preacher in the Wild West, ...

... beloved by his congregation, was famous for never preaching about the same subject twice.

One day he says to his wife, "I've got an idea for my next sermon. I think I'll talk about horseback riding and how it helped America expand west of the Mississippi." His wife says, "If you do, I'm ...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

A missionary goes to an African tribe

There was once a missionary preaching in a small African tribe. The people there loved him and every day more were converted. But one day, a white baby was born to one of the women in the the tribe. The chief immediately sent for the missionary, and demanded to know why he had broken the commandment...

Three women - two from Eastern Europe, and one from America - walk into a bar.

The three of them all sit at the bar.

Suddenly, one of the women, originally from Czechoslovakia, starts ranting about her ex.

"I'm just so fed up!" she cries. "Twenty years ago, my husband left me, and I still can't get over how he used me just for my looks!"

The American wo...

Side effects of sleeping in church.

A lady dozed off while the pastor was preaching. When she woke up, she heard the pastor saying, “Stand up!”. To look attentive, she stood up and the pastor said, “Thank you young lady and God bless you! Please remain standing.” The pastor continued, “Anyone else who has been unfaithful to her husban...

The Irish brothel

Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel over the road.
The local Methodist pastor appears and quickly goes inside.
"Would you look at that!" says the first Irishman, "Didn't I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?"
No sooner are...

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A Priest dies & is waiting in line at heavens gate...

Ahead of him is a guy, fashionably dressed, in dark sun glasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket & jeans.

God to the guy : Who are you ?

Guy: I am an NYC cab driver.

God : Take this gold robe & enter kingdom of heaven.

God to the Priest : Who are you ?

Priest ...

An old Turkish joke

In a muslim village people were praying in a mosque when suddenly a man with a knife in his hand rushes in and says "i need a muslim man" People were looking at each other and an old man gets up and leaves with the man.

They go to his home and the man says "im going to sacrifice this sheep b...

A priest, a minister and a rabbi wanted to see who was best at their job...

So they went into the forest with the task of converting a bear.
Couple of days later, they meet. The priest says, "I found a bear in the woods and sprinkled him with holy water. The bear was is having his first communion next week."
The minister says, "I found one by the mountains and starte...

A priest and a bus driver are standing in Purgatory...

There is an angel guarding two doors: one for Hell, the other for Heaven. Both of them approach the celestial being and it says, looking at a really long list:

"Alright, Mr... Stanford, the bus driver? You are going to Heaven, congratulations!"

The bus driver happily opens the correspo...

A priest, a minister, and a rabbi are all drinking together at a bar.

The priest says, "Okay, guys, I don't mean to brag, but this year alone, I've gotten over a hundred people signed up for RCIA, which is a new record for our parish."

The minister shakes his head. "Are you kidding me? That's nothing. I've saved over three hundred people in the past year and a ...

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