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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them

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50 fun things to do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "...

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What is green and gets red when you push a button?

A frog in the blender

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I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."

But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

We told the youth at our church that every time they curse they have to do 10 push-ups

So our church is a gym now

Why did the Mexican dude push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila!

I covered my shirt with push pins...

I thought I would look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.

I keep trying to push the envelope...

But it just stays stationary.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

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How many police officers did it take to push the black man down the stairs?

Zero. He fell.

Why did the bank teller push the old lady over?

Because she asked to check her balance.

What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

When you open them they are half empty.

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day... Push a man out of a plane...

And he'll fly for the rest of his life.

How do you push the high costs of living out of your way?

You just got to budge it!

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I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?...

A Little Push...



Late in the night, a couple wake up to the insistent sound of the doorbell. The owner of the house gets up and, through the window, asks:

\- What do you want?

\- Hello. I know it's late. But I need someone to push me. Your house is the only one in this region. Can you help me?<...

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

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What do you call a Kia with push button start?

Nokia

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

A drunk guy rings at my door, it’s 3am...

So a drunk guy rings at my door and it is 3am. I go at the door, open it and ask, a bit irritated:

« What is this about ? »
The guy replies: « I am stuck there, you have to push me »

I: « Dude, you stand here drunk at my door, I don’t know you and it is 3am, do you really think I am...

A recruit is told to do push ups

A recruit is in formation when the drill sergeant tells everyone to do push-ups.

The recruit raises his arm and says " Sir, I can't do push-ups, Sir!"

The drill sergeant responds "AND WHY THE HELL NOT RECRUIT?"

The recruit responds "Sir, I have no hands, Sir!"

The drill s...

Push a man from 5 meters tall and he goes Bam! Arrrghhhhh..

Push a man from 50 meters tall and he goes aaarrrRGGGHHHHHH BAM!

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

Late night push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags hi...

Warning - Never push the number 8 over;

The ramifications can go on forever

Three disabled stranded men

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, bu...

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

what do you call it when you push gran down the stairs and laugh when she can't get up

stand up comedy

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry...

but graphing is where I draw the line!

What do you get when you push a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

When push comes to shove.....

You're delivering the baby wrong.

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We were asleep when there was a knock at the door at 3am!

I thought who the fuck would be there at this time. It was raining hard outside.

Anyway, answered the door and this guy was standing there, soaked and asked "Any chance for a push?"

I said no and slammed the door and went back to bed. The wife asked who was it. After explaining to her,...

How Far Can One Push The Envelope?

They Can't. Envelopes are stationary.

Stoners everywhere are uniting to push for legalization of marijuana

It is a joint effort

A blonde gives the final push while giving birth in a hospital.

The doctor tells her the gender and is about to lay the baby in her arms. The blonde says, “Can you please do a DNA test before I get too attached? My boyfriend’s been cheating and I want to make sure it’s mine.”

What's the first ingredient in a push up bra?

Start with two cups of lies.

How many deputies did it take to push the inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

I work as a Detention Deputy, and that's one of my favorite jokes to tell the inmates.

I bought a push up bra today...

It didn't work, I can still only do 2...

My wife is always complaining about me talking behind her back and how I always push her to do things...

It’s not my fault she’s in a wheelchair.

Why do Democrats push for more gun control?

Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.

A good nickname for Donald Trump would be "Slinky"

He serves no real purpose but it would make me smile to push him down some stairs.

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

Why can't t-rexs do push ups?

Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.

What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

You just push it aside and keep on eating!

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