This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How many police officers did it take to push the black man down the stairs?

Zero. He fell.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" says the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

Why did the bank teller push the old lady over?

Because she asked to check her balance.

What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

No matter how much you push the envelope...

It’s stationary.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a farmer who had two sons

tldr :

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They ...

Why did the mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day... Push a man out of a plane...

And he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I was just talking to this chick, i said “I can do 80 push ups.”

She said “Get out of here.” I said “Yep, do you want me to show you?” She said “No, I mean, get out of the women’s toilets!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

A Little Push...

​

Late in the night, a couple wake up to the insistent sound of the doorbell. The owner of the house gets up and, through the window, asks:

\- What do you want?

\- Hello. I know it's late. But I need someone to push me. Your house is the only one in this region. Can y...

How do you push the high costs of living out of your way?

You just got to budge it!

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?...

"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a Kia with push button start?

Nokia

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

A recruit is told to do push ups

A recruit is in formation when the drill sergeant tells everyone to do push-ups.

The recruit raises his arm and says " Sir, I can't do push-ups, Sir!"

The drill sergeant responds "AND WHY THE HELL NOT RECRUIT?"

The recruit responds "Sir, I have no hands, Sir!"

The drill s...

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

Late night push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags hi...

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

Warning - Never push the number 8 over;

The ramifications can go on forever

what do you call it when you push gran down the stairs and laugh when she can't get up

stand up comedy

My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road.

My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,” I replied “probably the ladder.”

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

We were asleep when there was a knock at the door at 3am!

I thought who the fuck would be there at this time. It was raining hard outside.

Anyway, answered the door and this guy was standing there, soaked and asked "Any chance for a push?"

I said no and slammed the door and went back to bed. The wife asked who was it. After explaining to her,...

How many Push-Ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

What do you get when you push a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry...

but graphing is where I draw the line!

Stoners everywhere are uniting to push for legalization of marijuana

It is a joint effort

A magician stops a woman on a street....

“Pick a card, any card” he says. She grabs one at random.
“Now, look away and memorize that card. Don’t show me.”
She turns away, memorizes it, and turns back to see that the man was gone.
She lived her life as any other. She got a job, fell in love, got married, and got pregnant with her f...

When push comes to shove.....

You're delivering the baby wrong.

A blonde gives the final push while giving birth in a hospital.

The doctor tells her the gender and is about to lay the baby in her arms. The blonde says, “Can you please do a DNA test before I get too attached? My boyfriend’s been cheating and I want to make sure it’s mine.”

What's the first ingredient in a push up bra?

Start with two cups of lies.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three sports fans leave a bar...

(Insert teams A, B and C as you like. This is how I know it.)

Three baseball fans walk out of a bar. They turn a corner and see a pair of legs sticking out from behind a bush. They push the bush aside and find a woman dead and completely naked. They call the police and as they wait, they deci...

How many deputies did it take to push the inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

I work as a Detention Deputy, and that's one of my favorite jokes to tell the inmates.

My wife is always complaining about me talking behind her back and how I always push her to do things...

It’s not my fault she’s in a wheelchair.

I bought a push up bra today...

It didn't work, I can still only do 2...

Why do Democrats push for more gun control?

Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.

What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

You just push it aside and keep on eating!

Despite Trump's recent push to bring manufacturing jobs to the U,S., where are most of his Signature Series ties made?

Tieland

After finally turning old enough, a life long train lover finally becomes a train conductor

He was so excited on his first day, he was ready to do the best he could. As he was conducting however, he accidentally got distracted and somehow made the train crash into an office and killed 7 people.

He had to go to court of course and the jury declared him as guilty and the judge gave h...

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

My new personal trainer encouraged me to do do fifteen push-ups every commercial break on TV

Man... I love Netflix!

Why can't t-rexs do push ups?

Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is lying on a sun lounger drinking a beer while his wife struggles mowing the lawn with a push mower.

When their neighbour sticks his head over the fence and starts shouting at the man. "Look at you, sitting on your backside while your wife works her arse off! You should be bloody well hung!"

The man sets down his beer, looks his neighbour straight in the eye, and replies.

"I am. That'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It took my wife six hours to push out our first child.

The fat bastard can live elsewhere now.

Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?

They pushed two twins together to make a king.