How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it you realize it's half empty.

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door, where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance!" screams the husband. "It's three o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push." he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not! It's three in the morning and it's pouring out!"

"Well, you have a short memory." says his wife....

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

It took my wife six hours to push out our first child.

He’s old enough to live by himself now.

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

He wanted tequila.

A man walking sees a farming trying to push his pig up in a tree

He shakes his head at the strange sight and continues his walk to town and finishes his errands and begins his walk home.
On his way back he spots the same farmer still struggling to get that same pig up a tree.

After watching this strange behavior for a few minutes, he calls out to the fa...

The instructions on my stick deodorant said push-up bottom.

It felt weird but now my farts smell amazing.

While I was walking down the street I saw someone pushing a shopping trolley

The shopping trolley was fully of horseshoes, four leaf clovers and rabbits feet. I asked them what they were doing. They told me they were pushing their luck.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them.

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife..

But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

A priest is walking down the street when a man pushes him into an alleyway and points a gun at him.

"Give me all your money or I'll shoot you."

The priest opens his jacket to grab his wallet and the man sees his collar.

"Oh, I'm sorry Father, I wouldn't have robbed you if I knew you were a priest."

The priest then asks, "I'm sorry, I don't have any money, but may I offer you a...

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math

But science and math pushed back

I pushed that soup ladle as hard as I could...

...caused quite a stir.

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Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups

Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

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A child crashes his bike in front of a church

The priest see's this and bring the boy inside to treat him. The boy having a concussion stays the night in the church. In the middle of the night he hears a blood curling scream. The next morning he asks the priest what the sound was and says "I am sorry my child I cannot tell you for you are not a...

I was just in the queue at Tesco when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

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As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please."

As a butcher is shooing a dog from his shop,he sees a $10 and a note in his mouth, reading: "5 lamb chops, please." Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag of chops in the dog's mouth,and quickly closes the shop. He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green light, look both ways, and trot acro...

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Bloke is in bed with his wife having sexy time when there's a knock at the front door...

It's 2am and bloke isn't impressed but the knock is persistent so he goes downstairs. Opening the front door he sees it's blowing a gale and raining sideways and there's a man standing there, bedraggled and soaked.

"Excuse me can I have a push?" the man gasps.

"Fuck off!" says bloke, s...

I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook groups

because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet.

A guy is drinking real hard at the bar one night...

even though he promised his wife he won’t because he always gets too drunk. After many drinks he decided it’s time to go. He pays his tab and pushes himself off of the bar stool. He lands face first on the floor. So he pulled himself back up onto the bar stool. After a few minutes and a cup of coffe...

Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall?

To see her crack.

I was on a date with this girl I found on tinder

I reached the cafe early. She came a little later. Like a gentleman, I helped her sit by pulling her stool. When she seemed comfortable I asked, "Can I push your stool in ?"

She : "Let's see how this date goes first"

One night four college students were out partying late

One night four college students were out partying late night and didn’t study for the test which was scheduled for the next day.

In the morning, they thought of a plan. They made themselves look dirty with grease and dirt. Then they went to the teacher and said they had gone out to a weddi...

As a gentleman, I asked my date if I could push in her stool...

She said “let’s see how the date goes first”

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What do you call someone that likes getting high and having their buttons pushed?

...an elevator.

Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE?

She wanted the Task Manager.

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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With a seductive voice...

With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband,

"Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a s...

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump.

I said, "Don't do it!"

He said, "Nobody loves me."

"God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

"Yes."

"Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

"A Christian."

"Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

"Protestant."

"Me, too! What franchise?"

"Baptist."
...

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One of the first steps toward becoming a man...

One day, the father of a young boy decides that it's time to teach his son how to pee standing up.

"Alright, son, this is one thing that will help you become a man. It's a privilege we have that women do not, so it's important to take advantage of it. All you have to do is follow these nine s...

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Sysiphus is rolling his stone up a hill when Oedipus passes him by teasing him: "Pushing it, I see?"

Sysiphus replies: "You motherfucker".

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A visit to my grandmother

A grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson, who is coming to visit with his wife:


"You come to the front door of the apartment complex. I am in apartment 14T.
There is a big panel at the door. With your elbow push button 14T.
I will buzz you in. Come inside, th...

I pushed a fan over

It blew up

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A bus full of nuns crashes and they all die and go to the pearly gates.

There they are met by St Peter. St Peter asks the first nun:

"Sister, have you ever touched a penis?"
The Sister replies:
"Yes, with the tip of my finger"

"OK, dip the tip of your finger in the Holy water and in you go"

The next sister approached St Peter and He made the s...

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A guy walks into a bar with two black eyes after a church service.

His friend ask "Dale, what the hell happened to your face?"

"When the lady sitting in front of me stood up to sing the hymns, I noticed her dress was clutched between her butt cheeks, so, being poIite I pulled it out, she turned around and punched me in the eye."

"Well, how did you get...

What should we do with flat earthers?

Just push them off the edge!

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Had to shit

Just over halfway through the flight, all the coffee in my stomach feels like it's percolating its way down into my lower intestine. I hunker down and try and focus on other things. What feels like an hour, but probably isn't more than twenty minutes, passes. We then enter what turns out to be prett...

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How to catch a fish

Another joke that i heard in Hindi many years ago. Trying to translate in English.

On a sunny day, a man was sitting by a river with his fishing hook in the water hoping to catch a fish. He was unsuccessful, so he goes the next day and the day after and continuously for several days with no ...

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Little Red Riding Hood walks alone through the dark forest.

Suddenly she hears a rustling behind a thick bush.

She pushes the branches and bushes aside and suddenly the big bad wolf is sitting in front of her.

"Oh, bad wolf. Why do you have such big red eyes?"

"Get out of here. I'm pooping!"

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Dad approaches Timmy, "Son, did you push the outhouse over?".

Timmy: "No dad! It wasn't me!".

Dad: "Let me tell you a story. Years ago George Washington's dad asked him if he cut down the cherry tree. George Washington said, 'I cannot tell a lie', and admitted to cutting down the tree. His father was proud of him and didn't punish him."

Timmy: "O...

Ninety-Nine had been trying to defeat Hundred, but failed each time. Finally, he pushed the limit for one last time. And on his cake day...

Ninety-Nine defeated Hundred-And-One.

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A woman decides to have a facelift for her 50th birthday. She spends $15,000 and feels pretty good about the results.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, "I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?" "About 32," is the reply. "Nope! I’m exactly 50," the woman says happily.

A little while later she goes into McDonald’s and ...

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A pothead, a math teacher, and a gym teacher all go to heaven.

God tells them that heaven is full and they will have to trick the devil to be let in. God calls the devil and the devil comes in and introduces himself. The math teacher tries first and gives him a hard equation. The devil solves it in 10 seconds and the teacher is sent to hell. The gym teacher ask...

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[Long NSFW] Oxford professor

An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and resear...

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

Stupid people are like Slinkies.

They don't have much purpose, but it's fun to push them down the stairs.

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Unexpectedly, an artist's wife started having sex with him every day.

Though quite unusual, he didn't question his luck, deciding to just enjoy the ride.

One day, his wife approached him. "Honey? Can you sketch a picture for me?"

"Of course!" he replied. "What should I draw?"

"What you think our baby will look like."

He stared back at her,...

I lost my job at the bank

Turns out you're not supposed to push customers if they ask you to check their balance.

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What is the definition of torque?

When you have to piss with morning wood, you push your dick down so hard that your feet fly out from under you. That's torque.

A little girl asks her mom; "Can I take the dog for a walk around the block?"

The mom replies "No, because she is on heat."
Unsure, the child asks "What does that mean?"
"Go and ask your father. He's in the garage." replies the mother.
The little girl goes and finds her father and says "Mom won't let me take the dog for a walk because she is on heat. What does ...

Those push-up bras aren't very good, are they?

I wore my wife's to the gym this morning and I still couldn't manage more than six.

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What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button?

A frog in a blender

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day.

Push a man out of a plane, and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

I'm tired of people pushing me around and talking behind my back.

But that's just how things go when you are in a wheelchair, I guess.

Why did the kid in the wheelchair get bullied?

He was easy to push around

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Three men walk into a bar

An Englishman, a Scot and an Irishman walk into a bar. They each order a beer. As the bartender places the three pints down, three flies land in them, one in each beer.

The Englishman pushes his pint away, saying "I will **not**
be drinking that."

The Scot says "I'll drink it, but I...

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A woman was sick and tired of hearing her husband fart all night long and repeatedly told him that he'd shit his guts out one day.

He kept doing it, so she bought an entire sack of pigs intestines from the butcher and put them in the man's underwear when he was asleep. When she awoke the next morning, he said, "You were right honey, I DID shit my guts out! But with the grace of God and these two fingers, I was able to push th...

I got a new stick of deodorant today. The instructions say remove cap and push up bottom.

I can barely walk, but when I fart, the room smells lovely.

Flynn was reminiscing about the first time he took his son Paddy out for a drink

They went to the local pub, which is only two blocks from their home. Flynn got him a Guinness. Paddy didn't like it - so Flynn drank it. Then Flynn got him a Smithwick's, Paddy didn't like it either, so Flynn drank it. It was the same with the Harp and the Murphy's. By the time they got through the...

A soldier, airman, marine, and a sailor walk into a bar...

The soldier boasts, "Our camouflage is so good, we put 50 men in the desert and only 20 were found."

The airman retorts, "That's nothing. Our camouflage is so effective, we put 50 jets in the sky, and only 15 were found!"

The marine says, with a big grin, "Amateurs, our camouflage is s...

The travelling salesman [Long]

A travelling salesman knocked on a lady's door. When she opened the door and saw all the boxes the man was carting around, she said, "Whatever it is you're selling, I don't want it. I'm broke."

"Ma'am, what I have with me is the greatest vacuum cleaner in the world. I would love to demonstrat...

Why did the dyslexic kid push his brother out of the window?

He wanted to see Tim fly.

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A traveler got stranded on a highway on a dark, stormy night

No taxi in sight, he began walking around the road to find some help.

He came upon an empty car standing a distance away, and, finding it unlocked, he decided to rest awhile there.

Suddenly, the car jerked forward, and began inching forwards into the dark night. Too scared to do anythi...

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A daughter takes her old father to a retirement home

A daughter takes her old father in a wheelchair to a retirement home for the first time. The nurse, expecting their arrival, greets them with, "Welcome to the Johnson family retirement home! We think you'll feel quite at home here! Please follow me and I'll show you around." The nurse pushes the...

What is about 6 inches long, hard, hairy at the base and is pushed into a moist opening where it is quickly moved back and forth?

A toothbrush

The Three Kingdoms of Int

In a faraway land called Int there lay three kingdoms: the Smaller, the Taller, and the Medium. An adventurer by the name of Jawn came to the three kingdoms, looking for the fabled elixir of Blue Milk. Jawn knew that this fabled elixir lay in one of the kingdoms of Int so he went to each kingdom. Ho...

A lion stands upon his rock and lets out a large roar

Immediately, every animal goes up to the lion and crowds around him.

"I have heard rumors from one of you," begins the lion. "I have heard rumors that one of you is trying to take the throne from me, the king of the savannah. As king, I suggest I have a fight with anyone who wants to take i...

What did one lab rat say to the other?

*"I've got my scientist so well trained that every time I push the buzzer, he brings me a snack."*

A lady is giving birth. After she pushes and pushes,

the baby is born.
Doctor: "Mam, I have good news and bad news.
Lady: Give me the bad news first.
Doctor: your baby has red hair.
Lady: Thank goodness! What's the good news!
Doctor: It's stillborn

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. T...

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Happy Endings...

There's a middle aged guy - getting a bit fat and bald now, got a gimpy leg so he's walking with a cane - his wife just gave up trying to get horny and sent him out to find his fun somewhere else.

So he arrives at a brothel he'd heard about - pretty tall, a townhouse, very plain looking outsi...

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Why, what, who?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard when he lives in the jungle without a razor?
Why do we press harder on a remote control when we know the batteries are flat?
Why do banks charge a fee on 'insufficient funds' when they know there is not enough?
Why do Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
Why does...

What do you get when you push a female mathematician into a swamp?

Algae bra

If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom?

The rest of your life.

To make it stand, you wet it.

To make it wet, you suck it.

To make it stiff, you lick it.

To get it in, you push it!

Damn! Threading a needle at any age is no joke.

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal:

- Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million.
No one dared to move for awhile, and then suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being chased by all the crocodiles.
With enormous luck came, taking everyone's admiration a...

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis are debating...

The cucumber says, "Life sucks. I've got it the worst. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they eat me".
.
.
The pickle says, "What? That's nothing. People grow me up to be big and strong, then they shove me in a small jar of salty water for a long time and then they eat me".
.<...

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

A politically-appointed medical research director had been busy pushing recruitment for round after round of hydroxychloroquine tests. After another poor result, a White House aide walked in. "Doctor, the President has demanded another HCQ test. Can you do it?"

The director sighs, rubs his temples, and sits back in his chair. "No. Quite frankly, I don't have the patients."

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A woman grants her mother's unusual dying wish.

She specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, she realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman travels to Rhode Is...

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I once pushed a stripper down a hill.

And that's how the cinnamon roll was born.

I was U2's bass player in their early days

One night I shoved Bono into our guitar player while he was doing a solo, and after tumbling over him, he got up and stabbed me with his pocketknife.

I thought that was a bit extreme, but guess I shouldn't have pushed him over The Edge.

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A man is driving down the road when his car breaks down beside a monastery

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before.
...

"When drums stop...very bad."

An English explorer was trekking through a remote jungle with a local wise man he had hired as a guide. Two days into their journey, far from civilization, they began to hear the faint, slow beating of drums in the distance.

*Dum. Dum. Dum. Dum.*

The Englishman said to the wise man, “I...

The new Ford F-150 comes with a heated tailgate.

That way you can keep your hands warm when you're pushing it home in the winter.

Dave was doing push up in a garden noticed a man intently observing him...

Dave raised questioning eyebrows, the man said sorry to break it to you buddy but woman under you have long gone.

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A gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. A nurse noticed his predicament.

Sir, she said "You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed t...

My personal trainer said she wanted me to do a push workout.

I've since been arrested for trying to pull her jogging bottoms down.

Saw A Homeless person pushing a trolley full of horse shoes and rabbit feet

I thought to myself he's really pushing his luck

The worst job I ever had was at the canvas factory, pushing a large needle through 50 layers of cloth over and over and over...

Sew boring!

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I had a call from a scammer the other day

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”>...

Jesus is on the cross and he yells “PETER” Peter try’s to get to Jesus but he gets beat baldy and the guards push him back.

The next day Jesus yells “PETER”
Peter try’s to get there and he almost does but once again he gets beat baldy and gets pushed back by the guards.

Then the next day Jesus yells “PETER” and he fights his way through the guards again and he gets through to Jesus.

He says “yes Jesus” a...

I pushed a Chinese man down the stairs...

It was Wong on many levels

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She sexily unbuttons her shirt, removes her bra, pushes him down and placed his hand on her bare chest.

"$100. Just $100 and I'll do anything you want."
His eyes glow bright: "Anything?"
"Anything." She whispers into his ears.
Excited, he springs up, pulls out his wallet, gives her 5 brand new $20 bills and says: "Here is $100! Now give me $500!"

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A school bus full of Catholic girls drives off a cliff and they all die.

A bus filled with 18 year old sheltered Catholic school girls drove off a cliff and they all died. So they all form a single file line in front of the gates of heaven and saint Peter says to the first girl "have you ever touched a man's penis?" And the girl says "yes but just with the tip of my fing...

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A daughter wanted to walk the dog...

So she went to ask her mother. Her mom was hesitant because the dog was in heat. She told her daughter to ask her father. The girl went up to her dad and said "I wanna walk the dog but mom says she's in heat." The dad goes, "you'll be fine. I'll put gasoline on her butt" and sends his daughter with ...

Shame a girl for her breast size and I’ll push you into traffic.

Who’s flat now?

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[long] So this guy is working at his jewelry store when a little guy walks in with a stunning, beautiful girl

The jeweler helps the odd couple and keeps showing them all kinds of jewelry. It's the first time he sees this guy, so he pushes the typical, "most affordable" stuff, but the guy doesn't seem to concerned about the prices so he continues showing them even more expensive stuff.

After almost a...

Don't Open The Door

The doorbell rings at Pete's place. When he opens the door, there's a large beetle standing in front of him.
The beetle pushes Peter so hard he falls and hits his head, requiring a trip to the hospital.
When Peter explains what happened to the Doctor, she says, "Ah, I'm not surprised, you'r...

My wife said she was going to put on a slinky dress

I can't wait to push her down the stairs

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Sherlock Holmes and Watson are called to investigate a murder at a quarry one day...

When they arrive at the scene of the crime, it's already been taped off and other investigators are there. Holmes and Watson push their way to the front as they typically do and start going to work.

"Holmes, look at this, what is it?" Watson asked.

"Why that's the butt end of a cigar o...

Hollywood marriages

TV interviewer: You were married four times: to a banker, to an actor, to a minister, and to an undertaker. Can you tell me why?

Legendary actress: Well, it was One for the money, Two for the show, Three to get ready, and Four to go!



(I'll see myself out, no need to push...)

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My friend is in a wheelchair and was tired of people "trying"to help him by pushing his chair for him.

So to stop this he put 2 dildos on the handles.

heh , true story...

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A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.

A horny old cougar is getting help with her groceries by a strapping young bagboy.
As he's pushing the cart through the parking lot, she rubs up against him and says
"I've got an itchy pussy..."
The guy doesn't say anything and just keeps pushing the cart.
She rubs up on him again and r...

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

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Tom did like he always does....

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into
bed and falling asleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with
an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of
his bed.


"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are
you?" he asked. ...

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Charles the Banana

Charles was a banana at the local Safeway, where he sat on the shelf with all the other bananas. Charles waited every day to be picked when, finally, a man picks up Charles in his bunch and buys him.

When Charles got home, the man put Charles on the counter. "Oh boy," he thought, "I'll final...

Woman is standing on the balcony rails

She is ready to jump as her husband is standing next to her. She says
-Im a sick of this world and you
The kids are horrible and do not let me sleep
I live in a horrible flat and everything is broken
I don't have any money for myself
And God dammit stop pushing me Carl!

(I agai...

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My favourite long joke

Pete and Dave are on the first tee. Pete slices an enormous shot into the middle of a dense wood. ‘Oh no he says (insert appropriate profanity), I’ll never find that; that makes a whole box of golf balls I’ve lost this month. ‘

Dave says ‘you should try one of these,’ producing a ball from hi...

When you pull a push door by accident and someone says "you have to push"

Thanks for that, because my next plan was to start lifting from the bottom.

A gorilla in a zoo was depressed.

The veterinarian tells the zookeeper "She is in heat and she really needs to be bred".

The zookeeper says "we don't have a male gorilla. I'm not sure...."

About that time a janitor walks by pushing a broom so the zookeeper pulls the elderly man to the side.

"Sir, would you mate ...

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Long, but hopefully worth it.

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping...

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

I once pushed a guy off his bike

I've since been banned from that gym

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Long ago, a king issued a challenge to see who can first cross a crocodile-infested river.

On the day of the challenge, the participants were shocked to see how dangerous the river actually was. Crocodile backs were visible nearly every part of the river and the width of the river seemed to stretch miles away to the other bank.

The king, eager to see some violent gory entertainment...

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A man's car breaks down in Tibet..

A man's car breaks down in Tibet, and wouldn't you know it? His phone gets no service. So he walks up a long windy road to a huge monastery at the top of the hill. He knocks at the reinforced double doors and a Tibetan monk after some minutes finally opens.

"My car broke down. Do you...

I was driving my wife to work this morning when she suddenly pushed my hand from the gear lever

"What are you doing?" I asked
"Well," she said, "I've kept quiet for too long and I'm sick of you not concentrating on your driving - you do the steering and I'll stir the petrol."

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A billionaire was having a party at his house

And in his back yard he had a huge pool with great white sharks in it.
He announced to everyone at the party that whoever could swim across the pool without getting attacked could either have all his money, his wife, or his house.
So when everyone got back to talking all of a sudden a guy is ...

What did the optimist say when he was pushed off a storey building?

so far so goo...

An old man was eating in a truck stop

when three rough-looking bikers walked in. As they passed the old man, the first biker pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, then laughed and took a seat at the counter. The second biker picked up the old man's milk and spit into it. The third biker turned over the old man's plate before join...

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