Why did the Mexican push his wife off the cliff?

Tequila

Why does Beyonce' not wear a push up bra?

She already has the biggest hits.

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!" He slams the
door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3:00 in the morning and it is p...

Why did Trump push for Congress to change the national bird after seeing one get sick in a zoo?

He hates ill eagles.

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There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

No matter how hard you push the envelope

it will always remain stationery.

What do you get if you push a piano down a mine shaft?

A flat miner

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What is yellow and turns red when you push the button?

Duckling in a blender.

How many push-ups can Chuck Norris do?

All of them

I covered my shirt with push pins...

I thought I would look sharp, but everyone said it was tacky.

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I was driving to work the other day when I saw a little boy riding a brand new push bike.

As I got closer I started to worry and thought to myself "Hey, that looks exactly like the one I bought online last week."

But then I took a deep breath and calmed down when I remembered that mine was still chained up at home. And there's NO Way that little shit could possibly escape.

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

When you open them they are half empty.

We told the youth at our church that every time they curse they have to do 10 push-ups

So our church is a gym now

I did twelve push-ups today.

I could've done more, but that's how many came in the box.

How many mobsters do you need to push a man off a cliff?

None. He slipped and fell by himself.

Why did the bank teller push the old lady over?

Because she asked to check her balance.

What does a push up bra and a bag of chip have in common?

Once open, you realise they are half-empty

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day... Push a man out of a plane...

And he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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How many police officers did it take to push the black man down the stairs?

Zero. He fell.

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

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There was a farmer who had two sons

tldr :

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They ...

How do you push the high costs of living out of your way?

You just got to budge it!

Dad’s first drink with his son

I took my son out for his first pint.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from the cottage.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Then I got him a Kilkenny's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Finally, I thought he might like some Harp Lager?...

"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

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I sit here and realize I’m wiped from each side’s argument. It doesn’t even matter which way I roll; I still get shit. I refuse to push it any harder.

I really don’t care which way the toilet paper faces.

A Little Push...



Late in the night, a couple wake up to the insistent sound of the doorbell. The owner of the house gets up and, through the window, asks:

\- What do you want?

\- Hello. I know it's late. But I need someone to push me. Your house is the only one in this region. Can you help me?<...

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What do you call a Kia with push button start?

Nokia

A cat walks into a bar.

The bartender says, "what'll you have?"
The cat says, "A shot of rum."
The bartender pours the cat his drink.
The cat slowly pushes the shot off the table.
"Another."

When I was in school, the other kids used to push me around and call me lazy...

...I loved that wheelchair.

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

saw my wife lying at the bottom of the stairs I thought to myself,

“She was right, I am pushy"

I saw a lonely little boy sitting all by himself on a swing, so I went over and gave him a push…

He still wouldn't get off, so I punched him.

I bought a new stick of deodorant today and the instructions say to remove the top and push up bottom

I can barely walk now but when I fart the room smells lovely

A recruit is told to do push ups

A recruit is in formation when the drill sergeant tells everyone to do push-ups.

The recruit raises his arm and says " Sir, I can't do push-ups, Sir!"

The drill sergeant responds "AND WHY THE HELL NOT RECRUIT?"

The recruit responds "Sir, I have no hands, Sir!"

The drill s...

Late night push

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a knock at the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3:30 in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time," he thinks, and rolls over.
Then a louder knock follows. "Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife. So he drags hi...

Warning - Never push the number 8 over;

The ramifications can go on forever

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With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband…

“Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?”

“No,” said her husband.

She gave him a sexy little smile, unbuttoned the top 3 buttons of her blouse, slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He...

My wife and I were watching a man push a shopping cart with a ladder in it down the road.

My wife said to me “do you think he asked to borrow the cart or did he just steal it,” I replied “probably the ladder.”

To make it stand, I have to wet it; to make it wet, I have to suck it; to make it stiff, I have lick it; and to get it in, I have to push it...

... Threading a needle isn't easy

A drunk guy rings at my door, it’s 3am...

So a drunk guy rings at my door and it is 3am. I go at the door, open it and ask, a bit irritated:

« What is this about ? »
The guy replies: « I am stuck there, you have to push me »

I: « Dude, you stand here drunk at my door, I don’t know you and it is 3am, do you really think I am...

I'll do algebra, I'll put up with calculus, I'll even push through trigonometry...

but graphing is where I draw the line!

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I was having a conversation with a scammer the other day.

Me: “Hello.”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Hello. This is Bob Bobson from Microsoft Support. We are seeing a lot of virus activity from your device.”

Me: “Oh no. My device? Are you sure?”

NOT-Microsoft support: “Oh yes, we have many reports.”

Me: “Oh jeez. How can I fix it?”...

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We were asleep when there was a knock at the door at 3am!

I thought who the fuck would be there at this time. It was raining hard outside.

Anyway, answered the door and this guy was standing there, soaked and asked "Any chance for a push?"

I said no and slammed the door and went back to bed. The wife asked who was it. After explaining to her,...

When push comes to shove.....

You're delivering the baby wrong.

What's the first ingredient in a push up bra?

Start with two cups of lies.

Stoners everywhere are uniting to push for legalization of marijuana

It is a joint effort

I bought a push up bra today...

It didn't work, I can still only do 2...

How many deputies did it take to push the inmate down the stairs?

None, he fell.

I work as a Detention Deputy, and that's one of my favorite jokes to tell the inmates.

My wife is always complaining about me talking behind her back and how I always push her to do things...

It’s not my fault she’s in a wheelchair.

Why do Democrats push for more gun control?

Because they can't stop shooting themselves in the foot.

What does a push up bra and a dictatorship have in common?

They both oppress those on the inside. They both lie to those on the outside. And they both raise monuments to the fallen.

Why can't t-rexs do push ups?

Because they have been extinct for 65 million years.

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