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I had a fun childhood, my dad used to push me down the hill in old tires

They were Goodyears

How is a push-up bra like a bag of chips?

As soon as you open it, you realize it’s half empty.

What's the difference between a man who pushes a moving car and a man who pushes a stationary one?

Nothing. They're both exhausted.

"Girl I know you're a push door..."

Because imma try to pull you and then look stupid

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My husband said that tonight he'd treat me like an elevator and push my buttons.

Unfortunately it was "door close" which didn't do anything.

Why did Penny push Sheldon onto the grease fire?

She was trying to put out the fire with a wet blanket

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An angry passenger pushed his way to the desk

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travelers.

Suddenly, an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS."

The ...

As he pushed in the rectal thermometer, I felt myself getting a painfully hard and obvious erection

"Maybe you should wait outside while I examine your dog," the vet said

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Took my son out for his first Pint today.

I got him a Fosters, he didn't like it, I drank it. Then I got him a Budweiser, he didn't like that either, I drank it. It was the same with the Guinness and the Cider. By the time we got down to the Whisky,

I could hardly push the fucking pram. (Stroller for Americans.)

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

How are a push-up-bra and a bag of chips alike?

It is only when you open them, that you realise they are halfway empty.




*PS: i work in a chips factory and i know the reason why the bags contain so much air*

There’s a guy going around pushing Parisians into their river. People really aren’t happy about him,

He’s making them go inseine.

Being the gentleman I am. I asked my date on the way to the table if I could push her stool in.

She said to wait and let’s see how dinner goes first.

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A women decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday

She spends $15,000 and looks sensational. On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

’About 32,’ is the reply.’

‘Nope! I’m exactly 50,’ the woman says happily.<...

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy...

As a butcher is shooing away a dog from his shop, he sees a $10 bill and a note in his mouth, reading: “5 lamb chops, please.”

Amazed, he takes the money, puts a bag
of chops in the dog’s mouth, and quickly closes the shop.

He follows the dog and watches him wait for a green
light, look both ways, and trot across the road to a bus-
stop. The dog checks the timetable and sits on the bench.
When a bus arriv...

I need a push

I was sound asleep one night, it was about 3am when we heard a knock on the door. My wife asked me if I was going to go see who was at the door. I told her “it’s 3am, I don’t care who’s at the door, they can go to hell!”
“Well” my wife says “what if someone really needs help and we are the on...

I told my wife, “You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”

She said, “What do you expect — you’re in a wheelchair!”

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How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs?

None, reports say he fell

How do you stop a russian tank from advancing?

Shoot the soldier pushing it.

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A lawyer boards a plane and takes his seat in business class.

A few moments later, two more men wander in and sit next to him. They get to chatting and he discovers they are doctors.

After a few moments, one of the doctors comments that he needs a drink.

"It's ok, I'll get it for you," says the lawyer, and gets up. The doctors notice he has take...

I was in the Post Office queue yesterday when Diana Ross tried to push in.

I said “You can't hurry love, you'll just have to wait...”

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A bus full of nuns drives off a cliff and they get killed...

They get to the pearly gates and St. Peter says to them “Sisters, welcome to Heaven. In a moment I will let you all though the pearly gates, but before I may do that, I must ask each of you a question. ”

St. Peter turns to the first Nun and asks: “Sister, have you ever touched a penis?” The s...

Today I unfortunately got fired from my job at the bank

An elderly lady came in and asked me to check her balance, so i pushed her over.

The Test

This joke was told to me 20 years ago by a friend of my Dad’s.

The President of the USA decides to run an exercise to test the effectiveness of the CIA, the FBI and the LAPD with a simple task - a bunny rabbit will be let loose in a designated forest and he will send in one agency at a time ...

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

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A guy drank too much on a party and passed out...

He finds himself in front of the heaven's door. He's asking, "What's happening?". And a voice from above is saying "Don't you see? You drank too much. You drank so much that you're dead now! But you won't be passed into the heaven because you were a sinner." The guy replies "I see... I'm ready to be...

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

How many push-ups can chuck norris do?

All of them

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With a seductive voice... With a very seductive voice the woman asked her husband, "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"

"No," said her husband. She gave him a sexy little smile,
unbuttoned the top 3 or 4 buttons of her blouse, and slowly reached down into the cleavage created by a soft, silky push-up bra, and pulled out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.

He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and smil...

It took my wife six hours to push out our first child.

He’s old enough to live by himself now.

I bought a new deodorant yesterday. The instructions said "Remove cap and push up bottom"

It hurt like hell, but my farts smell great.

Sometimes when my girlfriend is on her period, I'll push on her stomach

And I'll say: "who's my little ketchup packet?"

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me."

I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southe...

The Smiths had no children and decided to use a proxy father to start their family....

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon."
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"O...

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headaches

A man strides into a bar, grinning from ear to ear. He sets down at the bar and orders a beer. "In fact, make that a round on me."

The bar cheers, and the bartender brings him his drink, he asks, "So, why the celebration?"

"I am reinventing myself! A new man! Just a month ago, I was mi...

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Three boys go into a haunted house. One brought a knife, one brought a gun, and one brought nothing but a few cough drops.

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobweb...

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"If you could push a button and would receive $100 million, but you would whipe out 50% of the earth's human population (without anyone knowing it was you), would you push that button?"

A friend of ours: "I vould push it three times".

There was this guy on the road

There was this guy on the road who was found painted grey with a white push bike symbol painted on. He said he lays down on roads to camouflage himself waiting for people to ride their bikes over him because he enjoyed the feeling.

This guy was a real cycle path.

Little Timmy wants to take the dog for a walk and ask his mom if he can take her around the block.

The mom knows the dog is in heat but doesn't want to tell Timmy he can't take the dog for a walk and open that can of worms with little Timmy on what it means and tread down the 'birds and the bees', so instead she tells little Timmy to go ask his dad instead.

So little Timmy goes out to the...

I used to own a wheelbarrow full of four-leaf clovers...

But then I realized I really shouldn't push my luck.

I went to visit my grandad in the nursing home

He was sitting with a gorgeous nurse on either side of him. While we were talking he started leaning to the right and it looked like he'd fall, but the nurse on that side pushed him upright. A little later he leaned to the other side like he was going to fall, but the nurse on that side pushed him u...

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A man and woman get on an elevator. He pushes a button and says, “I’m on the second floor—where are you going?” She replies,

“to two too.”

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A guy is driving through Nevada and sees a sign along the road with a large cross and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, 5 miles ahead."

He shakes his head and thinks "I must have read that wrong."

He continues on and a few minutes later see another sign, this one with a praying nun on it and the words "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution, Next Exit. So Good It's Miraculous!"

He decides he has to see this so he pull...

A kindergarten student was having trouble putting on his boots, and asked his teacher for help.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the boots still didn't want to go on. Finally they got both boots on. She grimaced when the little boy said, "They're on the wrong feet."
Sure enough, they were. The teacher kept her cool as together they worked to get the boots back on - this time on the co...

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A millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 60th birthday.

During this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

“I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.”

The guests shakes their heads in disbelie...

Bar Joke

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something.

Our bartender is blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to ...

TIL: if you push one pizza delivery man over, all the pizza delivery men fall over.

It's known as the domino's effect.

I figured I could never quit smoking, so I decided to at least stay healthy in other ways. Every time I had a smoke I would do 10 push-ups.

I’m still out of shape, but I haven’t touched a cigarette in months...

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A bouncer is working on a Saturday night at a popular nightclub for household utensils...

... One of the regulars, a mirror, comes outside for a smoke and greets him.

As they make small talk, a toilet approaches flaunting a pristine gold plated lid. The bouncer immediately lets him in.

The mirror rolls his eyes as the toilet pushes through.

Next, a limo pulls up and ...

Horseback riding gone wrong

Last weekend my daughters and I were going to the grocery store but on the way I spotted a chance to go horseback riding and couldn't pass it up. So I got on the horse and immediately it started trying to buck me off. I'm desperately yelling for help and flailing around but all the people passing b...

Vegetarians are such nice people

I once went into a supermarket and a vegetarian person pushed himself in front of me and left a rose on top of a nice bit of beef.

Thanks to him not only did I get a great quality piece of beef, but I got a rose too.

Was a great day all around !

Just found out one of the ladies who sang "Push It" has Parkinson's

She's a Salt-N-Pepa shaker now

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So, theres a manliest of the men competition where hundreds of men compete to find out who is the strongest.

The competition consists of three stages first being a pit that leads into a sea where hungry sharks are everywhere. After that there is a mossy swamp filled with alligators. Finally a jungle where tons upon tons of lions are. After a day goes by and no one is able to complete this competition the a...

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Male or Female non-living objects... You might not know this, but a lot of non-living things are remarkably similar to men and women.

**FREEZER BAGS**: These are male because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.

**PHOTOCOPIERS:** These are female, because once turned off, it takes

**TIRES**: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often over inflated

**HOT AIR BALLOONS**: Al...

Why did Karen push CTRL + ALT + DELETE?

She wanted the Task Manager.

At a crocodile farm

When a group of tourists visited a crocodile farm, the owner of the place launched a bold proposal. "Whoever dares to jump, swim to the coast and survive, I'll give you $ 1 million."

No one dared to move, suddenly, a man jumped into the water and desperately swam to the shore while being cha...

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So why are you in prison? [long]

Well, after a long and hard 12 hour shift at work and an hour long commute I make it home. Obviously I’m not in the mood to cook and most everywhere is closed, so I decide to order a pizza.

I call up the local pizza place, put in an order for a large with everything on it, and I wait. I wait ...

Little old man on the bus

A little old man gets on a crowded city bus, every seat filled. A tough looking bloke with a lot of prison tattoos is kicking his feet onto the seat opposite him, keeping it from being used.

The little old waddles over says 'scuze me' and pushes the tough bloke's legs off the seat.
...

A guy had to ask his neighbor for help getting his new sofa inside the flat because it got stuck in the door.

After about twenty minutes of vigorous pushing and maneuvering, the guy pants, “I think we’ll have to call it a day. There’s no way we’re getting it inside.”

The neighbor looks at him slowly, “**Wait, inside?!**”

I bought a new phone, the first thing I did was push redial...

The phone started having a nervous breakdown.

(The legendary Steven Wright)

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear. He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper. He called his wife for assistance, and aft...

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

I recently learnt the Welsh word for 'push' is 'lluq'.

I saw it written on a Glass Door.

At a party, Bob was flirting with a girl

The girl's boyfriend walked over to Bob and pushed him. "What the hell do you think you're doing?"

Bob said, "I didn't know she was taken. I'm sorry." The boyfriend raised his fist and threatened, "If you touch my girl again, you're fiction."

Bob was confused, and asked, "Uh, don't yo...

A librarian is at work at a pubic library and sees a chicken walk in.

The chicken walks up to the counter and says "book, book, book, book."

This continues until the librarian passes a book to the chicken who takes it and pushes it out the door.

A few minutes later the chicken comes right back on, pushes the book up to the counter and says "book, book, b...

A drunk rings the doorbell at dawn

The owner of the house gets up and through the window asks:

- What do you want? Where are you?
- Hello, I know it's late - shouts the drunk - but I need someone to push me, and your house is the only one in this region. You need to push me!

Crazy as hell, the newly awake replies: ...

A bartender's slow afternoon is interrupted by the sudden clatter of the door being pushed open by a man in a big hurry.

The man is clearly distraught. In between deep breaths, he manages to say, "Quick, barkeep... I need four shots of... (*gasp gasp*)... your best whiskey... (*gasp gasp*)... Hurry, please!"

The bartender spring into action, and within two shakes of a lamb's tail, he has four shots of his top-s...

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A man met a beautiful girl and he decided he wanted to marry her right away. She protested, “But we don’t know anything about each other.” He replied, “That’s all right; we’ll learn about each other as we go along.”

So she consented and they were married, and they went on honeymoon to a very nice resort.

One morning, they were lying by the pool when he got up off his towel, climbed up to the 30-foot high board and did a two-and-a-half-tuck gainer, entering the water perfectly, almost without a ripple. Th...

What remains stationary no matter how hard you push?

The envelope.

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My one Irish joke

A Frenchman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting at a bar drinking. A fly comes and lands in the Frenchman’s glass. He says “I can’t drink this” and pushes the glass away. A fly comes and lands in the Englishman’s drink. He picks out the fly and keeps drinking. A fly lands in the Irishma...

"Tell me about the day you died."

It got crowded in heaven, so, for one day it was decided only to accept people who had really had a bad day on the day they died. St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man, "Tell me about the day you died."

The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was hav...

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The local hot shot had never lost a drag race.

He had a souped up little dragster he pieced together himself. It was an old Honda, sure, but this guy had tuned it to perfection. Not only that, he'd squeezed every ounce of horsepower out of it possible: straight pipes, turbo, the works.

There's a straightaway on a back road where all the l...

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beware the ATM!

Guy on a long distance flight on Japanese Airlines is bursting for the loo, but the gents has been occupied for over an hour. Eventually a stewardess takes pity on him and says he can use the ladies, but don't fiddle with anything (not like that... Don't be rude)
So he goes in and does his busine...

A man was driving his pregnant wife to the hospital to deliver their baby. The car got stuck in the mud.

He said, “I guess one of us is gonna need to push”

An innocent joke to cheer you up...

Lulu, a little girl asks her mum, "Mum, can I take Daisy (a dog) for a walk around the block?"

Mum replies "No, because she is in heat."

"What does that mean?" asked Lulu.

"Go and ask your father. I think he's in the garage."

Lulu goes out to the garage and says,
"Dad,...

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

A man is on a date...[NSFW]

A man is on date with a beautiful girl and he takes her to a fancy hotel with a fancy restaurant and orders the most expensive food which happens to be a traditional italian pasta. While he is eating he finds finds a strand of hair and goes ballistic with anger. He immediately calls the manager and ...

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Me: I can’t do pull-ups or push-ups

Wife: But you can do a lot of fuck-ups

A man walking sees a farming trying to push his pig up in a tree

He shakes his head at the strange sight and continues his walk to town and finishes his errands and begins his walk home.
On his way back he spots the same farmer still struggling to get that same pig up a tree.

After watching this strange behavior for a few minutes, he calls out to the fa...

Bought a deodorant stick today.

Instructions say "remove cap & push up bottom"

I can hardly walk but when I fart the room smells lovely

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.

A man finds a well in the desert...

As he can't see how deep it is or if there's any water in it, he decides to drop something down the hole and rely on the sounds it will make. But all he can find that isn't sand, is a large and quite heavy rectangular block of stone.
With great effort he pushes the big stone to the well and fin...

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A man and his monkey enter a bar..

A man and his monkey enter a bar. The man sits down and orders a beer, while the monkey begins to wander and examine his surroundings. The monkey picks up a peanut, smells it, and then swallows it whole. The bartender notices and says, "Hey, did you see what your pet monkey did?"

The man n...

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Doc, I have got this problem

Willie Weary, a middle-aged businessman, stumbles in to see Doctor Nutcase in his Hollywood surgery.

"Doc, I have got this problem," confides Willie Weary. "You see, my secretary, Millie, loves to make love. Every morning, when I get to work, instead of bringing me a cup of coffee, she throws...

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

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A elderly couple want to spice up their second life

They decide that the woman will take control for that evening.

She pushes the man to the bed and tells him to wait there while she gets changed in the bathroom.

She comes out a few minutes later wearing nothing but a cape, she stands there and yells SUPER VAGINA

The man replies ...

How long does it take a Russian tank to drive from Moscow to Kyiv?

Depends how many people are pushing.

"push push...harder.. you can do it.. little more!!" I was yelling at my pregnant wife..

But despite her best efforts,the car didn't start.

I met a man on a bridge getting ready to jump.

I said "Wait, friend. Don't jump. Don't you have faith in the Lord?"

The man paused and said "Yes. I do have faith in the Lord."

I said "I'm a Christian." He said "Me too."

I said "I'm a protestant." He said "Me too."

I said "I'm a Lutheran." He said "Me too."

I sa...

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Drinkers

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman, sit down together for a pint of beer. A fly lands in each pint.

The Englishman pushes the pint away in disgust.

The Scotsman pulls out the fly and drinks it like nothing happened.

The Irishman pulls out the fly, hold it over his gla...

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

How do you make a good egg-roll?

You push it down a hill.

Do you think at the very first KKK meeting

Anyone pushed for the correct spelling of "*Klan*"?

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

Give a man a plane ticket and he'll fly for a day

Push a man out of a plane and he'll fly for the rest of his life.

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Sysiphus is rolling his stone up a hill when Oedipus passes him by teasing him: "Pushing it, I see?"

Sysiphus replies: "You motherfucker".

A mathematician, a physicist, and an engineer are asked to measure the volume of a basketball

The mathematician grabs a cord to measure its circumference and from there works out its volume.

The physicist pushes the basketball into a bucket of water and measures the water displacement.

The engineer looks it up on the catalog.

Why did Humpty Dumpty push Ms. Humpty Dumpty off the wall?

To see her crack.

A Bri'ish joke

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman all walk into a bar and each order a pint. After some time, the barkeeper brings them their booze and they all look down to find a fly in each of their pints. The Englishman turns his nose up at the drink and pushes it away. The Scotsman starts guzzling it w...

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar

… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.

Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.

A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: “...

Newton pushed against our understanding of science and math

But science and math pushed back

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

Superman challenges The Flash to a race

"You will never beat me" said the flash, "but I guess I can let you try" they agree to run from the east coast of the U.S to the west.

The race begins and Superman runs as fast as he can, he puts absolutely everything he's got into it but when he gets to the west coast he see's the flash sit...

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Dad approaches Timmy, "Son, did you push the outhouse over?".

Timmy: "No dad! It wasn't me!".

Dad: "Let me tell you a story. Years ago George Washington's dad asked him if he cut down the cherry tree. George Washington said, 'I cannot tell a lie', and admitted to cutting down the tree. His father was proud of him and didn't punish him."

Timmy: "O...

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What do you call someone that likes getting high and having their buttons pushed?

...an elevator.

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I held an elevator door for an elderly patient...

I don't know if this belongs in jokes but I had to post it somewhere.

I am in the main hospital. I am going up to the 3rd floor and I call the elevator. I see an elderly patient coming and hold the door for him.

Patient: "Thank you"
Me: "Absolutely, where are we going?" wondering wh...

"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

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What is green and quickly turns red if you push a button?

A frog in a blender

Why did the Mexican push his wife off a cliff?

Tequila

Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted...

### Jim, who was late to everything, was drafted. Sure enough, in boot camp, he was last in line to get a rifle.

When it was his turn, the quartermaster said, “I’m sorry but we’re all out of rifles.” Jim said, “How can I do the drills then?” The quartermaster replied, “Take this stick and ...

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An old lady was in bed with her young lover when she suddenly hears her husband pull into the driveway..

"Quick!" she tells her lover. "Hide in this cupboard!"

So saying she pushes the naked guy in the cupboard and hastily puts on her clothes. But the cupboard is a tight fit so the guy's balls are left out hanging between the cupboard doors.

The old husband enters the house and walks into...

A Man was walking when he saw a hole, in an open field.

A man was walking when he saw a big hole, in an open field. The man walked over to the hole and look down into the hole. He couldn’t see the bottom and he wanted to see how deep it was so he found a pebble and tossed it down the hole.He could hear it bounce off the sides but he couldn’t hear it hit ...

How do you make an amazing egg roll?

...you push it

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

My parents allways warned me to never ho through the cellar door and one day when i was fifteen i pushed it open and saw some incredible things i never saw before...

Like trees, and birds, green grass and the sun, my god it was beautiful.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jewish Mom buys a new apartment

She calls her son once she is moved in and is gushing about what a nice place she has and invites him to come see it.

Of course he agrees so she starts giving him directions on how to get there.

"Once you park, head straight through the courtyard and you'll see a buzzer for the apartm...

If there was a bipartisan push in Congress to legalize medical marijuana for arthritis treatment...

there would be joint support for joint support for joint support.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a faraway kingdom, a King is looking for a brave person....

This person is to be assigned as the protector of his newborn daughter. He sets up a Royal Tournament, with a cash prize of 10,000 gold coins. The contest becomes famous globally. Dave hearing about the contest, also attends to watch.

On the day of the tournament, he gathers everyone on a riv...

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