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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

I've recently been teaching myself to juggle clocks and watches.

I guess I just have too much time on my hands

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A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.

“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.

“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside ...

Thanks for teaching me the definition of plethora..

It means a lot.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

A Kamikaze pilot is teaching a bunch of students and he says...

“Look carefully I’m only going to do this once”

A college professor is teaching a retirement class

He says “If you want to retire at 65, you are going to have to succeed early”
A Blonde woman stands up and says “Who’s Ceed”

The doctor was teaching a caveman about human anatomy

Doctor: Do you know where the lungs are?

Caveman: I know this by heart

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A music teacher is teaching a class when his principal walks in

He sees a kid playing with scissors and tells the teacher.

“Hey, that kid is playing with scissors”, the principal says.

“I know. I’ve already told him that it’s dangerous but he cries every time I take it away. He insists it’s a pet”, says the music teacher.

“Let me try”, says ...

I’ve been working at a charity, teaching college education to reformed Mexican gangsters.

It’s not going very well because for some reason they refuse to turn in their essays.

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Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

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A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

-First you circle them 3 times, let them see your fin, let them get away, circle them 2 more times and let them get away, them after waiting a little you can eat them.

-But dad, that sounds way too tedious, I'll just swim right next to them and eat them.

- oh no son, trust me, you don'...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a lamp.

After rubbing on it, a genie pops out!

The genie says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported int...

A math teacher is teaching his class in a green costume

Halloween was soon, so he and most of the school was dressed up.

He decided to dress up as The Flash, as he was a popular character among the students, but not knowing the character well, he ended up with a green version of the costume.

After a bit of mocking by the students, he began ...

Teaching babies to walk is hard

But you just gotta take in one step at a time

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Daddy shark was teaching his son how to hunt...

"You see those humans over there son..."
"Yes Dad, shall we attack them by surprise?"
"No son, first we circle round them for about ten minutes..."
"But dad... why? I'm hungry!"
"Well son, they taste better without any shit in them..."

I just heard Matthew McConaughey is teaching a class at the University of Texas this fall. His lucky students are excited because he's promised to reveal all the secrets of how he made it big in the movies. Which sounds awesome, but...

I hear the class is *just* "Alright, alright, alright."

A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

What did the father say whilst teaching his kid to tie his shoelaces?

Knot bad

After double doors had to be installed in the castle to allow for Henry VIII's massive frame, he was no longer the same man who enjoyed playing his horn or teaching his kids.

He was a two-door tooter Tudor too dour to tutor

Thank you for teaching me about bargaining

It means a great deal

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention,

so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking." Johnny asks the teacher, "If you see t...

My friend wasn't accepted for a teaching job because he was cross-eyed

They thought he wouldn't be able to control his pupils.

A Sunday School teacher is teaching kids about Heaven and asked the class their thoughts on which part of them would get to Heaven first.

Little Suzy says it's her heart, because she's so caring and loving. Angie says it's her brain, because she's smart and uses it to help people.

Tommy looks around and say "No, no, no. It's not your brain or heart. I know the answer to this one. It's your feet."

"Why your feet?" asked t...

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you sa...

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I was teaching my 2 year old son how to drink through a straw.

His mom walks in just to hear me say to him: "You *suck*, just like mommy's boobies".

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A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

##

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrop...

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

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The teacher was teaching the kids about starvation.

Being a good teacher,she decided to call on selected students to draw a picture of starvation on the board.


Sue went first, she drew a round circle with three little lines in the middle of the circle.


The teacher said, "That's very good Sue. What is it?"


Sue sa...

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Miss Wilson is teaching her class of 1st graders basic human anatomy...

The teacher aimed her pointer at the female anatomy chart.

“Now class, does anyone know what these are called?” the teacher asked.

“I know! I know!” exclaimed the teacher's pet, Janie, sitting in the first row. “Those are breasts! My mommy has two of those, and she says some day I will...

While teaching in a junior high school class, the teacher questions a girl.

Teacher: name the thing in human body that can increase upto 4 times in excitement.

Girl: *infuriated * do you really thing this is the right question to ask a girl, I know what you're talking about and you should be ashamed.

Teacher: not only you're wrong, your expectations gonna disa...

What do you call a bone of the body that defies church teaching?

A blasFEMUR

I was trying to teach my class a lesson on clocks today

But I just felt like I was teaching in circles.

(Based on actual events)

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

I've been teaching my kids a bit of German

I've been teaching my kids a bit of German, done simple words and phrases, today we were doing numbers, he did alright for 1 to 8, but every time I asked if he could tell me what was next, he'd say nine, I replied with no in German, he shouts at me nine, after a while, I gave up and decided to try F...

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My son got sent home from school today. It's serious.

Apparently he was letting a girl in his class jerk him off. That's going to mean he has to go to another school, which makes three times this year.

I don't think teaching's for him tbqh.

An Indian tracker is teaching his son the family trade

After a day of analyzing prints and tracks, the old man laid his head down on the plain. After a moment, he said “Buffalo come.”

The son excitedly asked “How can you tell? Can you hear the hoof beats?”

“No” he replied. “Ear sticky.”

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."


The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

I was supposed to be teaching origami to kids but I had to leave halfway through

I guess you could say that I folded

I fell in love in fifth grade

We laughed together.

We cried together.

We hugged.

We kissed.

I lost my teaching license and now face criminal charges.

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

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A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

Do you all want to know what my music teacher has been teaching me?

How to Finger A Minor!

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Teaching children the word "CONTAGIOUS" in class...

In English class the teacher wrote the word "CONTAGIOUS" on the blackboard and turned to her students.

"I'd like to you tell us all a sentence containing the word "contagious". Several students raised their hands and the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class their sentence.
...

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

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Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault?

he was a tenure sax

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

An english schoolteacher was in Switzerland...

An English schoolteacher, was in Switzerland and looking for a room to rent for when she would begin her teaching there the following fall. She asked the schoolmaster if he would recommed any. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled she returned home to make final preparati...

I was teaching my son to cook spaghetti bolognese, he asked "How do I know when the spaghetti is ready?"

"Ah, that's the magic bit! You throw it at the wall and if it sticks, it's ready!" I smiled.

From over my shoulder I heard the clatter of a pan hitting the wall, then a voice said "Some of it stuck..."

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

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A suicide bomber is teaching a bombing class.

“Pay attention. I’m only going to do this once!”

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

Schools in America should start teaching students that the alphabet starts with 'O'

OBCD is a growing issue in America

A teacher is teaching their class about animals.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out...

...he's got 2 left feet.

A Vampire is teaching his sons how to hunt

He sends the first one to hunt and he returns in 2 hours with blood in his mouth.

The father goes: 2 hours?! Good job, what did you bite?

The son goes: Do you see that tiger over there?

Father: Well done, Well done.



He then sends his second son and he returns in 3...

A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.

Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"

The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault...

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