A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

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A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching

because my students are too bright.

A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

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Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention

So she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "No, two, but I like how you're thinking."

Johnny asks the teacher, "If yo...

A teacher is teaching her kindergarten class the alphabet.

Teacher: “Now, can you tell me the next two letters after M?”

Class: “NO”

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An old farmer is teaching the new farmhand on where certain wastes go

The farmer says "Sometimes the milk from them old cows goes bad too quick, so we gotta dump it out over there-" He points to a high fence on the western side of the farm.

"Most of it's manure-" he continues, "-which we dump over yonder for later use in the cropfield." He points to another hig...

As I walked into the pub I overheard a woman teaching her 13 year old son about alcohol safety, after which she bought him his first ale.

I thought: "that's ale-advised"

A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a hu...

During a mass, the pastor was teaching his congregation what a tithe was.

'Now, if you have a million dollars,' he asked the crowd, 'how many of you will give out one-tenth to the church?'

All but one raised their hands. Bemused, the pastor walked down towards the one who didn't.

'Why not, my child?' he asked, 'Isn't there nothing more joyous than giving bac...

The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

"How would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

One the first day of class, the professor writes their name on the chalkboard and says "Welcome to Anthropology 101. Every student here is guaranteed to pass because of how little I care about teaching..."

"Seriously folks, I don't give an F."

Why did the cyclops stop teaching?

He only had one pupil.

My kids were asking me how democracy works, so I let them vote on dinner as a teaching exercise.They picked pizza..

.. but I made tacos, because they don't live in a swing state.

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Monkey Who Does Great Sex

A young sexy woman passing by a pet shop saw a board -

"Monkey who does great sex".

She went in, bought that monkey & walked away with the Instruction Manual.

The Manual said *'Give a good bath to the monkey, then you take a bath. Make him sit on the bed and you lie down w...

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My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

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The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class...

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

Vanilla Ice has started a new business teaching Microsoft Office to people’s parents.

Word to your mother.

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A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him.

"To become a good pathologist you need t...

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Teaching Virgil

Ma and Paw are sitting on the porch when Paw says "Ma, Virgil is 18 its about time he learns about fuckin".

"Well how you reckon we teach him Paw?" Says Ma.

"You go in the bedroom and get naked on the bed and spread your legs. I'll be in in a minute."

Paw goes to his son and say...

True story. Chicago-area preschool teacher teaching remotely today because of the storms. Her dogs started barking like crazy, interrupting the Zoom. She looked out her window and told/apologized to the class that the shovelers were there. 4 year old classmate replies,

“Wow, your shovelers sound like dogs!”

Been laughing at that one all day.

I'm teaching my white blood cells math and my red blood cells computer science

Once they become STEM cells I am hoping to regrow a finger.

For centuries the catholic church censored everything that wouldn‘t fit with their teachings.

You know what I call that?

Chancel culture!

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A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

how to eat a human

a shark teaching his son " always circle around these humans 5 times before eating them"

the son replied " why can't I just eat them directly ?"

the shark replied " well, if you wanna eat them along with their feces it's your choice"

The whole story

It was evident from the start that Joe Bob was kind but wasn’t very bright. His bumbling and stumbling often irritated people greatly, and so, they became impatient with him. Joe Bob’s mother worried endlessly for her son until one day she went to seek the advice of a wise old woman that lived in a ...

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The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards

Turns out it was just spam

This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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Dad is teaching his 2 year old son to say "Papa"

Dad: Say Papa!


Baby: Mama!


Dad: Say Papa!


Baby: Mama!


Dad: Fuck-


Baby: FUCK!


Mom: WHO THAUGHT HIM THAT WORD?!


Baby: Papa!

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A Teacher was Teaching her Class about Flavors

She holds up an Orange Lifesaver and asks them what Flavor it was.

They say Orange

She holds up a Red Lifesaver and asks them what Flavor it Was.

They say Cherry

Finally she Holds up a Honey Flavored Lifesaver and asks them what Flavor it was.

They dont know
...

The warden only allowed boys who did a good deed that day to eat supper in the hostel dining room.



During their induction she taught them what were considered good deeds - running an errand for someone, helping an old lady cross the road, teaching other students things they don't understand and the like are examples of good deeds and should be rewarded, she explained.

The young bo...

Teaching is a lot like a bad marriage.

You never get your needs met, but you stay in it for the kids.

Lawyer teaches his son!

A lawyer obviously wanted his young son to become a lawyer too, so he began training him in the right earnest, quite early. He began teaching him how to tell lies



One day to test his son, he asked, "Son, if you tell a lie without thinking for a second, then I will give you 100 bucks!"...

Just got offered a job teaching poetry in prison.

I spent all night thinking about the prose and cons.

I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

I’ll never forget the time I had to do PE in my underwear after forgetting my shorts.

It ended my teaching career there and then.

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A store owner was teaching his new assistant how to be better at selling

"ok watch now, there's a lady coming"
Lady approaches

"Hello, I need something for cleaning the curtains"

"Ok here you go. If I may ask have you thought about getting something for cleaning windows as well. Clean curtains, clean windows, you happy"

"Well sure then" said the l...

Mr. Tom was teaching his class about abstract nouns.

He explained how abstract nouns refer to something you can think of, but can't touch. He then asked a student sitting at the back of the class for an example.

*"My father's Cadillac."*

poor teacher

A teacher was teaching a class, when the students started creating chaos.

The teacher shouted "Whoever is standing will be declared as stupid"

Everyone went back to their seats except for one.

"So you admit you're stupid?" said the teacher,

"No, but i didnt want you to be...

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The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

A teacher is teaching, when a boy comes to class late.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: I was on Jasmine Hill, Miss.

*A second boy and a girl come in*

Teacher: (to boy 2) Why are you late?

Boy 2: I was on Jasmine Hill, Miss.

Teacher: (to girl) I guess you were on Jasmine Hill as well.

Girl: No, Miss. I am Jasmine...

My mother has been teaching me how to make my favourite meals, but there's one that I just can't seem to get right.

I'm great at lasagne, fantastic with casseroles but as soon as I get my hands on minced beef and beans..

It's chilli-con-carnage.

*One never knows,,, A small boy named Arthur lived in the local village . None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, especially his teacher, who was always yelling at him "You are driving me crazy Arthur!!!!!"

One day Arthur's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career!!!! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew he...

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A professor was teaching the theory of relativity...

when a late student came into class.

The student asked, "what did I miss?"

"it's about damn time." The professor replied.

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A teacher is teaching a 5th grade class on Zoom.

The teacher says to Susie, "Tell the class why you want to be a teacher."

Susie says, "Actually, I want to be a stripper."

The teacher asks, "A stripper? I thought you wanted to do my noble profession."

Susie says, "That was before I saw your tiny apartment."


(Origina...

White priest goes and lives with an African tribe. He spends his days teaching the way of the lord.

After several years, a village woman gives birth to a white baby. The Chief is not happy with this. When he confronts the priest, the priest tries to explain these things happen in nature. With the chief not understanding, the priest tries to explain further.

"Ok chief. See that flock of shee...

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Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

I’m grateful to you for teaching me the definition of ‘abundance’

It means a lot.

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

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A Native American chief was teaching his son the history of their tribe.

“Father, how do we get our names?” asked the boy.

“Well son, you see, in our culture we are named in honor of the first ‘spirited ones’ our mothers see when the child is delivered.” explained the Chief.

“My father, Soaring Eagle was named for the great bald eagle that circled outside ...

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Little Johnny is sitting in school and the teacher starts teaching the class about coronavirus.

She says “It’s important to know that coronavirus is very contagious”. One of the students puts up his hand and asks what contagious means. The teacher says ”Try to work it out from another example. Who knows a sentence with the word contagious?”

Little Johnny raises his hand, but the teac...

A Kamikaze pilot is teaching a bunch of students and he says...

“Look carefully I’m only going to do this once”

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A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

I've recently been teaching myself to juggle clocks and watches.

I guess I just have too much time on my hands

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Daddy shark was teaching his son how to hunt...

"You see those humans over there son..."
"Yes Dad, shall we attack them by surprise?"
"No son, first we circle round them for about ten minutes..."
"But dad... why? I'm hungry!"
"Well son, they taste better without any shit in them..."

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

Day one of homeschool teaching

I can’t believe my boyfriend is sleeping with his sons teacher

I’ve been teaching myself to play the piano by ear.

It really bruised the side of my head.

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Dirty Johnny

A teacher is teaching class one day and tells her students 'today I'm going to say a letter of the alphabet and I want you to give me a word that starts with that letter'

"The first letter is 'A'"

Dirty Johnny's hand flies up.

'No' the teacher thinks 'he's gonna say"ass". A mom...

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

Anti-vaxxers are like teaching a pigeon to play chess...

They don't know jack about it, they don't wanna hear you explain it, and in the end they knock down the pieces and strut around like they won the game.

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The teacher is teaching about the alphabets.

Teacher : Josh, give me a sentence beginning with the letter I.

Josh : Ok, I is...

Teacher : Stop! You never put a ‘is’ after an ‘I’ , always use ‘am’ after I.

Josh : Ok. I is the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher : ...
LISTEN HERE, YOU little SHIT.

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