UPJOKE

### A math teacher welcomed a new French exchange student into her class and then started teaching a lesson on fractions.

The French exchange student raised his hand and said, "Excuse me Madam, but I don't know how to say fractions. How do you say those?"

"Easy," said the teacher, "you just say the top number and then the bottom number is read as an ordinal number. For example, 2/3 is 'two-thirds', 3/4 is 'three...

### While teaching a class,

A teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The te...

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### A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."

The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

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### A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

### I try to teach my mom something new everyday.

Because you're supposed to learn from your mistakes.

### A mother was teaching his child about the side-effects of alcohol.

She gets two short glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

She says "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made ...

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### A Canadian, an American and a Mexican were tasked by a billionaire with teaching his stubborn pet parrot how to speak within 2 weeks.

They were given everything they needed to succeed and a large sum of money was offered to the one who made the parrot talk first.

The Canadian played documentaries for the parrot through the whole duration, he spent all his time citing the alphabet and reading stories for the parrot.

T...

### The nun teaching Sunday School was speaking to her class one morning and she asked the question: "When you die and go to Heaven... which part of your body goes first?"

Suzy raised her hand and said "I think it's your hands.” "Why do you think it's your hands, Suzy?" Suzy replied "Because when you pray, you hold your hands together in front of you and God just takes your hands first.” “What a wonderful answer!" the nun said.

Little Johnny raised his hand and...

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### A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, th...

### Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

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### A man was teaching his wife golf...

The wife struck the golf ball so hard that it went to the neighbours house and they heard a crash like it broke something.

Embarrassed and apologetic, they go over to the neighbours house and let themselves in.

They see a broken vase on the ground and a man standing near it.

...

It means a lot

### A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

### A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

### The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class

"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"

Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."

Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."

Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."

The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.

"Well," says Little Davey, "every day m...

### I just got a new job teaching English at a maximum security prison. It's going to be tough but like any other job out there.....

It'll have its prose and cons.

### I was teaching my wife to play golf

I was teaching my wife to play golf when I popped into the clubhouse for a drink. She came back early and said she'd been stung by a bee. I said "Where?". She said "Between the first and second hole". I said "Sounds to me like your stance is too wide."

### Imagine mario teaching music

Student: keeps making the same mistake at the same spot*

Mario: “Mama mia, for the hundredth time it’s a mi”

### I was teaching my science class about Pavlov.

The students were laughing at the stupidity of the dogs.

Then the bell rang and they all got up and rushed to the canteen for lunch.

### I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

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### So this supermodel is teaching math class

All the boys would be entranced by her amazing figure, and they have a hard time paying attention. Meanwhile all the girls are jealous because she’s stealing all of their men.

One day, she was giving a lecture on graphing, so she told everyone to pull out their calculators. One boy’s calcula...

### I’m fine with substitute teaching math, science.. even music.

But art class is where I draw the line.

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### A pathologist is teaching her class how to do autopsies

The students are taken to the morgue and once in there they are shown the corpse of a dead man. The cadaver is bloated and old, several traumatic wounds are visible, its skin is pale and dried and the faint smell of chemicals and rot emanates from him. "To become a good pathologist you need to lear...

### A teacher is teaching a class

A teacher is teaching a class and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?" Johnny says, "None." The teacher asks, "Why?" Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off." The teacher says, "N...

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In Mississippi, Maw and Paw are going to learn their son Bubba sex.

So Paw tells Maw to get naked and lay on the bed. He asks Bubba if he sees that hole on Maw? Bubba says yea Paw. So Paw says watch Paw, and goes over to Maw and starts going to town.

Sister walks in and asks what’s goi...

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### A shark was teaching his kid how to eat a human

So the shark told his kid, when you see a human make sure to turn around him one or two times and then you can attack him.
The kid asked: Why should I turn around him and not attacking directly?
The shark dad said: well, they taste better if you scare the absolute crap out of them first.

### A teacher was teaching her class about whales.

She said that it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human being as even though it was a gigantic animal, its stomach was very small. A little girl put up her hand and said that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. Irritated, the teacher insisted that a whale couldn’t possibly swallow a hu...

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### A college professor gets offered a chance to teach sex education which is not what he usually teaches.

He’s a little embarrassed to tell his wife what he’s teaching so he tells her he’s teaching a class on sailing. A few months go by and his wife runs into a friend’s daughter who says, “I’m really enjoying your husbands class!”

The professor’s wife says, “Oh?…I’m surprised, he’s only done it o...

### So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

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### Gordon Ramsey is teaching his kids Egyptian history.

Gordon Ramsey : (Holding a picture) Who is this?

Kids : It's Anubis.

Gordon Ramsey : It's fucking Ra !!!!

### Teaching as a career

A school teacher walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I'm so worn out," he complains to the bartender. "The entire American school system is horribly disorganized and poorly run." "Well, then I guess it's true," the bartender says. "School really does prepare you for real life."

### A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

3. Pee in the toilet.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father no...

### A teacher is teaching a class of kids about intelligence

She explains what intelligence is and then

Teacher: people opposite to intelligent are called stupid. Now how many of you think of yourselves as stupid, stand up.

She waits to see if someone would stand up but no one does. After a long while, finally a kid stands up.

Teacher: Do...

### Started teaching my son and his friends Karate...

I'm not qualified I just really enjoy kicking children.

### School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

### My son has recently been teaching me various technical things about IT

I guess you really do learn from your mistakes

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### Little Johnny was doing his maths homework.

He says out loud, "One plus six, that son of a bitch is seven. Four plus four, that son of a bitch is eight."
His mum overhears this and is shocked! she says to him, "What are you doing Johnny?"
Johnny replies, "I am just doing my maths homework."
" And is this is how your teacher taught yo...

### A teacher is teaching his class when he notices a student fooling around with a metre stick.

He tells the kid to stop, as it’s distracting. The kid does.

A few minutes later, the kid is tapping his desk with the same metre stick. The teacher tells him to stop, so he does.

Later in the class, the kid is poking his classmates with the metre stick. Once again, the teacher tells...

### My son was just thrown out of school

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand-job.
I said "Son, that's 3 schools this year! You'd better stop before you're banned from teaching altogether."

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### The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class...

"Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "the lamb was sure to go" to "the lamb went with her."

A few days lat...

### I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC

But all it did was make my motherboard

### I’ve been teaching my kid to fall forward…

Because his teacher said he will repeat the grade if he continues to fall behind.

### What's the difference between an atheist and an evangelical Christian?

The atheist is honest about not following the teachings of Christ.

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### Teaching Virgil

Ma and Paw are sitting on the porch when Paw says "Ma, Virgil is 18 its about time he learns about fuckin".

"Well how you reckon we teach him Paw?" Says Ma.

"You go in the bedroom and get naked on the bed and spread your legs. I'll be in in a minute."

Paw goes to his son and say...

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### A teacher is teaching a notorious class...

A teacher is teaching physics. Then he notices a boy is day dreaming. So the teacher asks that boy,
"Do you know who Albert Einstein is?"
The boy says "No, I don't".
"If you paid more attention to the lesson you should know" scolded the sir.
Then the boy asks the teacher "do you know who...

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### Guy walks into a bar with a box under his arm, sets it on the bartop and orders a beer. Curious, the bartender asks about the box and the man replies 'it's my pet octopus. He just got done teaching music lessons so I stopped in for a drink on the way home.'

Bartender doesn't believe it and asks for proof.
"Sure," the man says. "bring me any instrument, and this octopus will play it beautifully."

Bartender produces several instruments from behind the bar, and the man opens up the box, sets the octopus on the bar and it immediately begins playi...

### I am teaching my 5 year old about good eating habits.

My 5 year old son has a bit if a sweet tooth. I decided to have a discussion that eating too much junk food and snacks will make him fat...

Fast forward to this afternoon, I was with my son in the bank lining up. Behind us, a pregnant lady with the big baby bump lines up.

Remembering t...

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### Daddy shark was teaching his son how to hunt...

"You see those humans over there son..."
"Yes Dad, shall we attack them by surprise?"
"No son, first we circle round them for about ten minutes..."
"Well son, they taste better without any shit in them..."

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### My school started teaching sex ed online.

Finally! All my years of online research can be put to good use.

### A daddy hedgehog is teaching his sons how to cross a road

He explains 'if you see a car coming, go to the middle and curl up in a ball, it will pass right over you.' He then demonstrates, walking across the road and, when a car comes, curling up into a ball and letting it pass safely over the top, and then heading to the other side.

He then tells th...

### At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

### I always wear sunglasses while I'm teaching

because my students are too bright.

### A teacher is teaching her kindergarten class the alphabet.

Teacher: “Now, can you tell me the next two letters after M?”

Class: “NO”

### What do a person with celiac disease and a person teaching French have in common?

Credit to my girlfriend

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### This is just awful, but I laughed. From a member of my weekly volunteer teaching group in Japan: My friend called me up and asked, "Hey are you free tonight?"

I replied, "Of course, I'm an American."

### I got an email the other day teaching me how to read maps backwards

Turns out it was just spam

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### The Bicycle: "A teaching moment"

A Priest was about to finish his ten-year tour of missionary duty and was leaving his Mission in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives about the Bible and Christian values, in their own language, when he realizes that the one thing he never really taught them was how to speak Engl...

### Miss Annie was teaching Sunday school to a group of first graders.

She explained that Easter would come soon, and asked if anyone knew which holiday Easter was.

Little Suzie asked, “Is that the holiday where we get a tree, and everyone gets presents?”

Miss Annie said, “No that is Christmas.”

Little Billy asked, “Is that the holiday where we hav...

### A New Yorker Was Teaching A Midwesterner How To Ski

A Midwesterner is on vacation in the Poconos. Over there, he decides to take up downhill skiing. He's done a lot of cross country skiing, but he's never skied downhill, since there are no mountains over in Fargo. Fargo's flatter than a pancake.

He decided to try downhill skiing. "How hahr...

### Day one of homeschool teaching

I can’t believe my boyfriend is sleeping with his sons teacher

### This was an actual conversation that took place between my wife and my 7 yr old son just now.

My wife has been teaching my son to fold his own laundry but he complains about it everytime. My wife, trying to convince my son, said to him "If you pick up this habit, your future wife will love you very much."

My son replied "I don't want my future wife to love me very much. I want my futu...

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### A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

Alright son, you start with circling your pray. Every once in a while you take a nibble out of them. And then after a few rounds you finally attack and eat them.

The son confused asks his father; why can't I just attack and eat them from the start? Its definitely quicker!

The father re...

### My online gf is teaching me the metric system on our first real date…

I can’t wait to metre

### Vanilla Ice has started a new business teaching Microsoft Office to people’s parents.

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### The son of a bitch

Henry was doing maths homework, saying to himself...

"2+5, the son of a bitch is 7"

"3+6, the son of a bitch is 9"

His mother heard this & asked, " Henry ! What is this nonsense you are doing?"

"Oh Mom. Don't disturb. I am doing my maths homework"

Mom: "Is t...

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### A Teacher was Teaching her Class about Flavors

She holds up an Orange Lifesaver and asks them what Flavor it was.

They say Orange

She holds up a Red Lifesaver and asks them what Flavor it Was.

They say Cherry

Finally she Holds up a Honey Flavored Lifesaver and asks them what Flavor it was.

They dont know
...

### A teacher is teaching.

Teacher: "Kids,what does the chicken give you?"
Student: "Meat!"
Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"
Student: "Bacon!"
Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"
Student: "Homework!"

(sorry for the TERRIBLE title)

### I'm teaching my Grandson the alphabet at the moment, starting with the hardest first four letters..

..the rest is just e-z

### Teaching is a lot like a bad marriage.

You never get your needs met, but you stay in it for the kids.

### I saw a man on the London Underground, teaching his dog to play the trumpet.

He went from Barking to Tooting

### A suicide bomber is teaching some new recruits...

He said, "Watch this demonstration carefully. I'm only going to do this once."

### I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out...

...he's got 2 left feet.

### A Kamikaze pilot is teaching a bunch of students and he says...

“Look carefully I’m only going to do this once”

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### I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

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### The teacher is teaching about the alphabets.

Teacher : Josh, give me a sentence beginning with the letter I.

Josh : Ok, I is...

Teacher : Stop! You never put a ‘is’ after an ‘I’ , always use ‘am’ after I.

Josh : Ok. I is the ninth letter of the alphabet.

Teacher : ...
LISTEN HERE, YOU little SHIT.

### Mr. Tom was teaching his class about abstract nouns.

He explained how abstract nouns refer to something you can think of, but can't touch. He then asked a student sitting at the back of the class for an example.

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### A professor was teaching the theory of relativity...

when a late student came into class.

The student asked, "what did I miss?"

"it's about damn time." The professor replied.

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### Dad is teaching his 2 year old son to say "Papa"

Baby: Mama!

Baby: Mama!

Baby: FUCK!

Mom: WHO THAUGHT HIM THAT WORD?!

Baby: Papa!

### A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says “I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else’s job for a day.”

The professor says “I’ll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?” so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

### A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

### Lawyer teaches his son!

A lawyer obviously wanted his young son to become a lawyer too, so he began training him in the right earnest, quite early. He began teaching him how to tell lies

One day to test his son, he asked, "Son, if you tell a lie without thinking for a second, then I will give you 100 bucks!"...