A professor is sent to darkest Africa to live with a primitive tribe. He spends years with them, teaching them reading, writing, math and science.

One day the wife of the tribe's chief gives birth to a white child. The tribe is shocked, and the chief pulls the professor aside and says, "Look here! You're the only white man we've ever seen and this woman gives birth to a white child. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what happened!"
...

A shark is teaching his kid how to attack swimmers.

"Make sure your dorsal fin is above the water and swim toward them *really fast*, then veer away at the last moment. Do that a few times, and then go back and eat them."

"But why not just come up from below and eat them right away?"

"Well, they taste a lot better if you *empty* 'em fir...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why didn't the saxophone get fired from his teaching job after multiple accusations of sexual assault?

he was a tenure sax

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics.

At school, a teacher is teaching little kids Mathematics. She says: "Does anybody of you already know how to count? For example you, what's your name?"
"My name is George Lucas. Yes, I know how to count."
"Please show me."
"Four, five, six, one two, three."

A teacher is teaching english to foreign exchange students

"so class, today we will name the senses. these are the senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling. so, you hear with your ears."

a student buts in "see"

"what?"

"see"

"no, you hear with your ears"

"see"

another student speaks up in his native l...

While teaching a class a teacher trying to teach good manners asked her students the following question.

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"

Michael said: "Just a minute I have to go pee."

The teacher responded by saying: "That would be rude and impolite. What about you Sherman, how would you sa...

Little Johnny is in class and his teacher is teaching about description. She reaches into a bag and feels around. She says "Sally, what I'm feeling something round and firm, what is it?"

Sally says "a ball" and teacher says "nope it's an orange". The teacher then reaches in and goes " what I'm feeling is smooth and flat and flexible, David, what is it?"David says"a piece of paper?" "No" goes the teacher "a piece of aluminum foil" Johnny stands up, reaches into his pocket and goes" t...

I was teaching my son to cook spaghetti bolognese, he asked "How do I know when the spaghetti is ready?"

"Ah, that's the magic bit! You throw it at the wall and if it sticks, it's ready!" I smiled.

From over my shoulder I heard the clatter of a pan hitting the wall, then a voice said "Some of it stuck..."

A terrorist is teaching a class

He carefully puts on a jacket loaded with explosives and, turning to his pupils, says:

"Now watch carefully, because I'm only going to do this once!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class wank him off.

I said “ son, that’s 3 schools this year... maybe teaching isn’t for you.”

There is a term used to describe Mongolians who follow Buddha's teachings.

They are referred to as "nomads."

A teacher is teaching a class...

...and she sees that Johnny isn't paying attention, so she asks him, "If there are three ducks sitting on a fence, and you shoot one, how many are left?"

Johnny says, "None."

The teacher asks, "Why?"

Johnny says, "Because the shot scared them all off."

The teacher say...

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy.

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

A father was teaching his son math.

"Okay, son, we already went through this. What is 2+2?"

"Three", said the son.

"Okay. Let's try again", said dad, and pointed two fingers of his left hand, and then two more, of his right hand, "How many fingers do I hold?"

"Five!", said the boy, enthusiastically.

"Oh God...

A professor in South Africa is teaching her students how to form Emglish sentences.

“Attention class I have two words: Cheetah, and dandelion. Can anybody use these together in a sentence?”

One student raises their hand,

“The cheetah is faster dandelion.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark is teaching his kid how to eat humans

and he says "look son, first you swim full force at the human but at the last second, you turn away. Then you swim at him full force again, but again at the last second you swim away. Then you can go back and eat the human."


The son looks confused and asks, "But dad, why can't we just go ...

Schools in America should start teaching students that the alphabet starts with 'O'

OBCD is a growing issue in America

So I was teaching my son how to walk the other day.

Then he put his foot down and told me he could do it on his own.


Sorry if this has been posted before, popped into my head during class

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A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government

A teacher was teaching her second grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask his what the government was.

His dad thought for a whil...

A Vampire is teaching his sons how to hunt

He sends the first one to hunt and he returns in 2 hours with blood in his mouth.

The father goes: 2 hours?! Good job, what did you bite?

The son goes: Do you see that tiger over there?

Father: Well done, Well done.

​

He then sends his second son and he ...

A suicide bomber is teaching a bombing class.

“Pay attention. I’m only going to do this once!”

A professor is teaching Computer Science 101...

A professor is teaching computer science 101 and gets to the topic of recursion, but after reading his prepared notes, one of his students seems particularly perplexed and questions the teacher.

"I don't understand, you said a recursive algorithm one that calls itself?" The student asks.
<...

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Teaching children the word "CONTAGIOUS" in class...

In English class the teacher wrote the word "CONTAGIOUS" on the blackboard and turned to her students.

"I'd like to you tell us all a sentence containing the word "contagious". Several students raised their hands and the teacher asked them to stand up and tell the class their sentence.
...

A teacher is teaching their class about animals.

Teacher: "Kids, what does the chicken give you?"

Student: "Eggs!"

Teacher: "Very good! Now what does the pig give you?"

Student: "Bacon!"

Teacher: "Great! And what does the fat cow give you?"

Student: "Homework!"

A man is teaching his son to drive. NSFW

They both get in the car and the son starts to back it out of the garage. Before the dad has time to stop him, his son backs directly into his moms parked car.

Mom, inside, hears the crash and comes running out. "What happened?!"

The dad points at his son and says "it was all his fault...

What do you call a learning environment that specialises in teaching nuts?

m**acadamia**

They stopped teaching decimals at the school for blind children

Nobody could see the point.

I tried teaching my dog how to dance, but it turns out...

...he's got 2 left feet.

A professor was in class teaching his students about laws, and begun a conversation about Murphy's Law.

Professor: " Have you ever heard about Murphy's law?"

Student: "No, what's that?"

Professor: "Well basically, it's the principle that anything that can go wrong, will go wrong"

Students were impressed, so one student in particular decided to respond.

Student: "Oh yeah? We...

What did Slim Shady ask the class on his first day of teaching at music school?

"Hi kids, do you like violins?"

A preschool teacher is teaching a student basic geography

Teacher: "what state do you live in?"

Student: "denial."

After a few long years of teaching, my disgruntled french teacher now finally retired

Hola Amigo

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mother shark is teaching her young how to eat humans...

"First, you go straight at them and then you circle them. You go straight at them again and circle them again. Finally, you go straight at them and then you eat them"

"But, mom, why can't I just eat them the first time around?"

"Well, I suppose you can, but why would you want to eat th...

In a catholic girsl school the teaching Nun asks the girls about their plans for the future...

Nun:"Susan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susan:"I want to be a teacher, just like you!"
N: "Good, and what do you want to be Alice?"

Alice:"I want to be a doctor!"

N:"Very good! And you Lucy, what do you want to do?"
Lucy:"I want to become a Prostitute!"...

Hi. My name is Bill Gates and today, I will be teaching you how to count to ten:

1, 2, 3, 95, 98, NT, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10

Hello class and today ill be teaching you how to procrastinate

Actually, why dont you come back tomorrow.

A father is teaching his boy how to pee in the toilet.

"OK son", he says. It's as easy as counting to 5.

1. Pull down your pants.
2. Pull back your foreskin.
3. Pee in the toilet.
4. Put your foreskin back.
5. Pull up your pants.

From then on, every time the boy goes to the toilet, he counts from 1 to 5. One day, the father no...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

Alright son, you start with circling your pray. Every once in a while you take a nibble out of them. And then after a few rounds you finally attack and eat them.

The son confused asks his father; why can't I just attack and eat them from the start? Its definitely quicker!

The father re...

A professor was teaching a languages course

"In English" he said, "A double negative makes a positive. In some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language where a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah, right"

I'd like to thank my Spanish teacher for spending so much time teaching me what mucho means

It really means a lot

School students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructions also advise that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they...

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A college professor is teaching a class on the paranormal, and for his first day, he decides to ask some questions to his class.

He stands at the front of the lecture hall and asks, "Now, by show of hands, how many of you have seen a ghost?"

Almost everyone in the class raises their hands, including a rather out-of-place old man in the back.

Having expected that, the professor smiles and asks, "How many of you ...

So I was teaching my brother English...

I told him to skip the first "H" when reading or pronouncing words (e.g. honour, hour, honest etc.) Later that day I told him to heat my lunch in the microwave... let's just say I didn't have any lunch.

I Was Teaching Some 4-Year Olds at Church Today...

I asked them,"What do you need to do to get to heaven?"

One of the kids promptly replied,"Die!"

A Priest Teaching Anatomy at an All Boy's School

The priest is handing out graded homework papers. He says, "I don't understand why you boys can't understand the male anatomy. I've been pounding it into you all semester."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology...

An anatomy teacher was teaching the basics of male biology to her class. She explained what the urethra and testicles are to her class, when a student raised his hand and said,

"I thought that the urethra and testicles were just two different terms describing the same thing?"

The teach...

A man was teaching his son about about the dangers of drinking at the traffic lights.

The man said, “See those two cars over there, son? A drunk man would see four.”

The son replied, “But Dad, there is only one car.”

Kenny Rogers was a video game purist who insisted on teaching his kids the correct way to play.

He said, "if you're gonna play the Gameboy, you gotta learn to play it right."

The Pope is teaching a Sunday school class

"Children" begins the Pope. "Where's Jesus today?"

Little Tommy says: "He's in my heart."

Little Barry says: "He's in Heaven."

Little Davey says: "He's in our bathroom."

The surprised Pope asks Little Davey how he knows this.

"Well," says Little Davey, "every day m...

A Sunday school teacher was teaching her first-grade class.

"Class," she said, "what were the first words Jesus said when he walked out of the tomb on Easter morning?"

A little girl waved her hand excitedly. "Ooh! Ooh! I know!" she said. "Pick me! Pick me!"

The teach smiled and said, "All right, Susie. What did Jesus say when he walked out...

In 1860, a man was given the job of teaching English to Indians (as they were called at the time).

He takes one of the Indian tribesmen out to the woods and is pointing things out and saying the word for it. "Tree. Stream. Rocks."

They go around a bend and right there in the trail there's another Indian humping a squaw's brains out. The English speaking man turns red and says "uhhhh......

I was teaching my dyslexic friend how a mistletoe works.

I don't think he stoodunder it.

I tried teaching my mom how to build a PC

But all it did was make my motherboard

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dad was teaching his baby how to talk...

Dad: Say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!

Dad: Come on, say daddy!

Baby: Mommy!


Dad: Fuck , just say daddy!

Baby: Fuck, Mommy!

Mom: Honey, I’m home!

Baby: Fuck!

Mom: Who taught you that?

Baby: Daddy!

Dad: Son of a bitch.

Be careful about teaching lab retrievers to play fetch.

He almost blew us both up with a meth bomb.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The third grade teacher was teaching English

The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class: "Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow/And everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go." She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from "th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I asked my science teacher why he loves teaching about birds so much

He said it was the only class where he can say tit, booby, and cock without getting fired

Special High Intensity Teaching

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from students, it will be our policy to keep all students well taught through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TEACHING (S.H.I.T.).
We are trying to give our students more S.H.I.T. than any other schools. If you feel that...

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Please don't bother teaching a giraffe to perform fellatio.

It's just not going to go down well.

We need to start teaching people the difference between losing and loosing...

I'm loosing my god damn mind over it.

A 1st grade teacher is teaching her students proper sentence structure.

The teacher is asking her students to use the following words in a sentence; deduct, defeat, defense, and detail.
One student raises his hand and says "defeat of deduct went over defense before detail."

Why is teaching calculus so difficult in the South?

They hate integration

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Priest was about to finish his tour of duty in the jungle where he has spent years teaching the natives to be civilized and kind to each other when he realizes that the one thing he never taught them was how to speak English.

So he takes the chief for a walk in the forest. He points to a tree and says to the chief, "This is a tree."

The chief looks at the tree and grunts, "Tree."

The Priest is pleased with the response. They walk a little further and he points to a rock and says, "This is a rock."

He...

A nun is teaching class in a Catholic children's home.

She asks the students what they want to be when they grow up. One says a teacher, the other says doctor, the other says engineer and so on. Finally the question lands on quiet little girl in the back.

Nun: What would you like to be when you grow up?
Girl: I'm afraid to say it out loud....

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Papa shark is teaching baby shark how to eat humans

"First you sneak up underneath, slowly make your way closer, you want to circle around the human about 3 or 4 times... and then BAAAAAAMMM"

Baby shark replies " but papa, why do I have to swim around him that many times, why can't I just swim right at him?"

Papa shark says "first you n...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was teaching my science class about the female anatomy:

"This is the vagina. This is the clitoris, and this is the anus. Any questions?"

"Yes," said one of the pupils, "Can I put my knickers back on now?"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher is with her kindergarten class, teaching them about animals.

She asks Suzy, "What sound does a cow make?" Suzy responds, "Moo." The teacher turns to Bobby, "What sound does a horse make?" Bobby responds, "Neigh." The teacher turns to Tyrone, the only black kid in class. "What sound does a pig make?" Tyrone responds, "FREEZE MOTHERFUCKER!"

I have two different grammar teachers teaching me conflicting things.

Sometimes I just don't know whom to believe.

I tried to bond with my son by teaching him how to play the theremin.

My wife didn't think it was a hands-on activity.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So my Spanish American uncle is teaching his first Spanish to English class when...

the spanish student asks, "Sir, may I have a *piss* of paper" My uncle replies, "Don't you mean a *shitt* of paper?"

War is God's way of teaching

Americans geography.

I was teaching a bunch of black teenagers about slavery.

None of them liked the concept, but their grandparents were sold on the idea.

I'd like to thank /r/jokes for teaching me so many jokes!

I've always hated the sound of laughter...

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday

My sister-in-law was teaching Sunday school class. The topic for the day: Easter Sunday and the resurrection of Christ.

“What did Jesus do on this day?” she asked. There was no response, so she gave her students a hint: “It starts with the letter R.”

One boy blurted, “Recycle!”

Started teaching my son and his friends Karate...

I'm not qualified I just really enjoy kicking children.

Why did the cyclops quit teaching?

He had only one pupil.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady was teaching an anatomy class

And was having trouble keeping the students awake. Figuring that the whole class was female she could as some more direct questions, so she asked

"Ladies, who can tell me what happens to the asshole during an orgasm?"

And one of the older students immediately replied

"He is at ...

A priest was teaching a tribe to be civilized..

A priest/whatever was teaching a tribe to be civilized. He taught them all the manners and etiquettes. Finally, he decided to teach them English.

He took the village head and walked around the forest.

He pointed at a tree and said "tree". The Elder nodded and the priest was pleased tha...

At Sunday School they were teaching how God created everything, including human beings.

Little Johnny seemed especially intent when they told him how Eve was created out of one of Adam's ribs.

Later in the week his mother noticed him lying down as if he was sick, and said. "Johnny what is the matter?"

Little Johnny responded, "I have a pain in my side. I think I'm going...

A professor of mathematics sent this fax to his wife...

"My dearest wife, you must realize that you are 54 years old and I have certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hote...

I started teaching a rope tying class a couple hours before a depression support group

It was incredibly successful but it died out quick

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An inner city kindergarten is teaching about animal sounds.

The teacher says "ok does anyone know what sound a cow makes?
A little girl raises her hand and says "mooooo"
The teacher says "ok who knows what noise the chicken makes?"
Someone else raises there hand and says "bachbachbachbach"
The teacher says ok finally, what noise does a pig make?<...

A suicide bomber is teaching some new recruits...

He said, "Watch this demonstration carefully. I'm only going to do this once."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A student in a psych class is asking his professor about sexual fetishes.

Student: Do you know the scientific names of most of the sexual fetishes?

Prof: I believe I know just about all of them, I’ve been teaching psychology for over 40 years.

Student: well what do you call a person who is aroused by dead people.

Prof: easy, that’s a necrophiliac....

American teaching class of young foreign exchange students

"Okay class, can any of you use the word Dandelion in a sentence?"

A young boy from Ghana raises his hand and says

"The cheetah is fasta dan-de-lion!"

What did Obe Wan say to Skywalker when he was teaching him table manners?

Use the forks Luke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did Ms. Frizzle get fired from teaching Sex Ed?

She told the class to take chances, make mistakes, and get messy.

What did the resistor say to the capacitor after he beat him in a game?

I ohmed you!

(my 10 year came up with this when I was teaching him soldering)

I was teaching my dog how to play dead...

and as a reward for doing it, I gave him a chocolate bar. Now he's really good at it!

Yesterday, my computer science teacher was teaching us about for-loops...

... he said it was a *for n* concept.

A cannibal is teaching his son how to hunt ...

Hiding on top of a tree by a busy trail, the father and son are sizing up their potential meals. The son was always eager to jump whenever someone walks by, but always the patient father held him back for various reasons : too many ppl in a group. Too strong a target. Too risky etc.

Finally ...