8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

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A sex addict, an alcoholic and a pot head die and arrive at the gates of heaven.

Jesus is standing there looking at them sternly he says, " I stand at these gates to judge the souls that have passed on. If you do not deserve to enter heaven then you will be cast to the fire filled depths of hell where you will spend all eternity in agony."

The three sinners knowing the l...

An American, a Pole and an Israeli arrive at the butcher's shop

There's a notice on the door:

# Shortage today, no meat, sorry

The American: What's 'shortage' ?

The Pole: What's 'meat' ?

The Israeli: What's 'sorry' ?

11:45 Arrive at the crime scene

11:45 Examine body, signs of a struggle
11:45 Found murder weapon in storm drain
11:45 Realize watch is broken

A German, an Italian and a Chinese man arrive at a logging camp up north looking for work.

The boss sees the strapping young German and says, "you look strong and fit, here's a chainsaw, go join the fellers and help cut down some trees."
Next he looks at the Italian, a bit of a belly on him and looking well fed, and says, "You look like you know your way around the kitchen, go help in ...

An employee sees his boss arrive at work one day in a brand new Lamborghini.

The employee goes out to the car park and says to his boss “Wow that’s an amazing car! I wish I had one just like it, that must have cost you a pretty penny!”

The boss stands up, looks the employee in the face and says “Yes, it did. And do you know something? Next year, if you work really har...

Three nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates at the same time.

St. Peter says "Sisters, we're so backed up that we're giving new arrivals a quiz. If you answer a question correctly, you can go on in, but if you get it wrong you'll have to wait a while." The nuns nod in agreement and St. Peter faces the first nun.

"What was the name of the first man on ...

Taxi driver picks up a hooker. They arrive at her destination & she confesses she doesn’t have any money. She says “Will this do?”

Cabbie looks in his rear view mirror & sees the hooker spreading her legs with no panties on & he says “Got anything smaller?”

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4 nuns arrive at the Pearly Gates of Heaven.

St. Peter is there to meet them with a bowl of Holy Water.
St. Peter goes up to the first nun and says, "Have you ever touched a penis?"
The first nun responds, "Yes I have. I have touched a penis with the tip of my finger."
St. Peter holds out the bowl and says, "Dip your finger in this Ho...

What time does Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon?

Ten-ish.

RIP Mr Connery.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead arrive at work and get into the lift(/elevator for my friends in the US).

The brunette spots a white puddle in the corner and exclaims "ew, that looks like cum!"

The redhead bends down closer, sniffs and announces, "it smells like cum."

The blonde gets on all fours, licks it, thinks for a moment and states: "it's no-one from this building."

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A bus full of Catholics and a coach load of Jews all arrive at the same church

There was mass confusion.

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border.

The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."

"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.

"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.

"Quattro is just ze name of zefokken automobile" the German says unb...

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates, and St. Peter decides which vehicle to give them.

“Heaven is a big place,” he says. “You’ll need something to get around. What I give you is based on how well you treated your marriage on Earth.”

The first guy says, “Marriage was difficult for me. We both had affairs and eventually got divorced after 10 years. But I still tried to live a goo...

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Three men arrive at the gates of heaven but St Peter says that heaven is kinda full and, for whatever reason, they’re only letting in the people that have died in the most traumatic way...

So the first man steps forward and says “That’s me! I was convinced my wife was cheating and left work early to catch her in the act. I burst into the bedroom and find her in bed, the sheets are a mess, the smell of sex is in the air, but she swears she was just sleeping, I search the apartment high...

Three men arrive at the pearly gates of heaven (NSFW, LONG, I don’t know how to do the tag things)

St John comes out and says to the men, “Heaven has become too full, as such we’re only taking in people who had tragic deaths.” He turns to the first man and says, “How did you die then?”
“Well I knew my wife was having an affair,” the fist man begins, “and I came home to find her lying naked on ...

09:51 Arrive at the crime scene.

09:51 Find murder victim.

09:51 Cordon off the area.

09:51 Start searching for murder weapon.

09:51 Realise watch has stopped.

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Two anti vaxxers die and arrive at thepearly gates..

St.Peter gives them two options " Get one question answered by God himself and go to hell or go to heaven blissfully" .

The first one chooses not to ask any questions but the second one decides to take a chance .

He goes inside the golden gates and asks God " what is the correlation be...

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A mathematician, a philosopher, and an idiot arrive at the pearly gates...

...St. Peter says to them" Sorry, heaven is quite full, so we can only let one of you in."
Suddenly "Poof!" Lucifer appears.
Lucifer tells them "You may each ask me one question. If you are able to ask me a question that I cannot answer, you will be allowed into heaven; if not you will be sen...

Two Texan cops arrive at a crime scene...

Cop 1, after inspecting the body of the black victim: "I've counted 28 gunshots."

Cop 2: "Wow, this might be the nastiest suicide I've ever seen!"

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A man, his wife, and their three young children arrive at a motel.

The man goes to the front desk and says, "I sure hope the porn is disabled."

The clerk looks at him funny. "It's regular porn, you sick fuck."

The Queen of England is due to arrive at a state dinner in Washington D.C.

Her plane was delayed due to weather and she was 40 minutes late.

Traffic was light and she thought she could make up the time, but the driver was the slowest she ever had.

“Could you drive a bit faster,” she asked.

“No, your highness. I cannot speed.”

“I am in a bit of ...

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

Three men arrive at a checkpoint near the gates of heaven

The first man walks up to god, who is reading the summary of his deeds before deciding which vehicle he is to use to drive to heavens gates with.

"I see you were quite unfaithful with your wife, cheating on her a total of three times." The man looks down in shame. "You are to drive up to heav...

A poor man & a man in a big black SUV arrive at the pearly gates...

Saint Peter immediately opens the gates for the man in the SUV and throws him a Big Party. A couple hours later he remembers the poor man still waiting. The poor man asked why he didn't get a celebration. St. Peter said we get poor people hear every day. But it's not very often we get a politician ...

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Two aliens arrive at a gas station...

When they land one of the aliens says "Take me to your leader." To a gas pump and the other alien says "Dude I don't think you should mess with him he looks like a badass." The 1st alien persists, "I said take me to your leader!" The 2nd alien says, " Man I'm being serious you should leave him alone...

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Three men arrive at the Pearly Gates and are greeted by St. Peter.

St. Peter: "I'm sorry gentlemen, but we only have enough room in Heaven for one more person. The one who died the most tragic death may enter."

St. Peter nods to the first man.

Man 1: "I've been suspecting that ...

Two men arrive at the pearly gates.

One is an Englishman, the other a Philippino. St. Peter informs them that only one will be admitted. St. Peter asks the Englishman what his occupation was in life.

I was a poet, he responds.

Oh very good, we need more poets in heaven.

And you sir, turning to the Philippin...

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Three men arrive at heaven…

Prior to entering they must each tell their story separately on how they died as the greeter of the gates likes to hear the stories, good or bad. The first man proceeds to tell his story.

“ I arrived home from work early because I’ve had the suspicion that my wife has been cheating on me. As ...

Three guys arrive at the pearly gates...

St. Peter says "OK, we've kind of streamlined the entry process here. I'm going to ask you a single question, and if you answer it correctly you will be admitted into heaven." He turns to the first guy and says "What is Easter?" The guy says "Easter, huh? Let me see... Isn't there a tree involved? S...

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A guys arrive at a "Mood" themed party...

He has cut a hole in a pear and is wearing it on his penis. The host answers the door, his penis in a carton of custard.
"What the hell are you dressed as?" asks the host.
"I'm deep in dis-pear!" says the guest. "Well I'm fucking dis-custard" says the host, shaking his head.

Three men who have just died arrive at the Pearly Gates...

...And are greeted by Saint Peter, who tells them "Welcome to Heaven. Before I can let you in, you each must tell me how you died."

The first man approaches Saint Peter and begins to tell him his story.

"I had good reason to think that my wife was cheating with me while I was at work,...

Two women die and arrive at the pearly gates of heaven.

However, there's only room for one of them in heaven. So St. Peter tells each of them, "Whoever has the best thing to show me can enter." So the first woman pulls up her blouse, revealing her beautiful sweater puppies. St. Peter nods, and then turns to the other woman. The second woman lifts up ...

Two wise men arrive at the stable in Bethlehem.

They enter and find Joseph and Mary with their newborn son. The first wise man approaches Joseph and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of frankincense. Joseph graciously accepts it, saying how blessed they are. The second wise man approaches and, kneeling on one knee, presents his gift of myr...

A son arrives at his new school in Berlin.

He writes a letter to his dad, it reads:

Dear Dad,
Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here. But Dad, I am a bit ashamed to arrive at my own college with my pure-gold Ferrari 599GTB when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train

Your son,
A...

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4 nuns arrive at the gates of Heaven...

St. Peter is at the Pearly Gates and he says:

Peter - "Before any of you enter the Kingdom of Heaven, are there any sins you would like to confess to?"

The first nun steps up.

Nun 1 - "Yes. I have seen a man naked before."

Peter - " Did you enjoy it?" ...

Two Texas Rangers arrive at a crime scene...

Two Texas Rangers arrive at a crime scene...

There they find a black male hanging from a tree by a noose with 4 bullet holes in his back ...

The rookie asks "what do you think sir?"
The Sgt. Replies "Goddamn worst case of suicide I've ever seen"

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[Long] Three men arrive at a forest.

They have heard of a mythical lake that grants any wishes, so they went to the forest to search for it. Within 5 minutes of walking, they have miraculously found the magical lake.

The lake spirit, sensing the arrival, solidified from thin air to address the group. "Welcome to the mythical lak...

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Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates.

Two politicians die and arrive at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says "You get to choose which place you want to go to. I'll show you each place today and you can sleep on it and decide tomorrow." So he takes them to heaven and everybody's sitting on gold jeweled thrones playing harps and singing Go...

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Three mean have all died and arrive at the Pearly Gates all together.

They are greeted by a small ball of light that introduces itself as an angel, and lets them know that due to budget cuts, only one of them may be admitted. When amazingly, nobody questioned the idea of heavenly budget cuts, the angel continued. In order to decide who would ultimately get the spot, h...

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