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A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop and asks the clerk to show him a scope.

The clerk takes out a scope and says to the man, “This scope is so good, you can see my house up on that hill.”

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing.
“What’s so funny?” asks the clerk.

“I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house,” the ma...

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So there was an assassin who charged $10,000 a bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says,

"Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?"

"Yup."

"What if you miss?"

He looks at the man, deadly serious. "I don't miss..."

"Okay, well I've got $20,000. I just found out my wife is having an affair with my b...

Bank Robber 1: Did you scope out the place?

Robber 2: Yes. The place has two armed guards.

Robber 1: So we are evenly matched, limb wise.

I missed my ex-wife the other day....

So I'm going shopping for a better scope

How do monsters tell their fortune?

They read their horror-scopes.

My friend was testing his mic for Discord, I told him to get a Scope

So he wont have Troubleshooting

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A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

A man goed bear hunting for the first time in a long while...

Hiding in the woods he spots a bear through the scope of his hunting rifle. He aims... shoots... and hits the bear!

Excited to hit the bear in one shot he grabs his gear and runs over to where te bear was hit. But to his disappointed, the bear is not there and not a single trace of blood can ...

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season, the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.

As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk driver, so now all he had to do was wait for him to start his engine ...

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So this guy comes into a gunstore and wants to buy a rifle scope.

The Owner hands him one saying "This is a very good one. Look out the window: Right up on top of that hill you can see my house."
The man looks through and starts laughing.
"What is it?" the Owner.
"It really is a good scope, I can see two people making love through one of the windows!"
...

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Hearing Aid Missing

An old man was sitting on the examining table in the doctor’s office having his hearing checked. The doctor poked his light scope in the old man’s ear and said, “Hey, you have a suppository in your ear!”

“Crap!,” said the old man. “Now I know where my hearing aid went.”

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This guy's out hunting with his buddy.

He's got his scope up and says, "Oh my God, I can see your house from here and your wife's cheating on you with another guy!"

His buddy says, "I've had it with her. Shoot her in the head and shoot him in the private parts."

And his buddy replies, "I can get that with one shot!"

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A hunter gets a new scope

Bob gets a new scope for his rifle and goes out to test it with his buddy Jim.

"I can see for miles with this thing," Bob says, looking around the forest for something to shoot. He stops and focuses on something.

"You see that Jim? It's your wife. She's screwing around on you."
...

The Top 10 Reasons a Gun is better than a woman....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new 22

#9. You can keep one Gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's Gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary Gun doesn't mind if you keep another Gun ...

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The hitman on the golf course (Slightly NSFW)

Three friends (whom we'll call Bill, Fred and Joe) are playing a round of golf when a stranger walks up to them and asks if he can join them.

They agree and discover that the man is a friendly type and they all get chatting. Eventually they all get talking about their jobs and the man reveals...

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A millionaire makes friend with a hitman

They get alone pretty well so the hitman offers the millionaire his sniper rifle to mess around. The rich guy looks out through the scope and finds out that his wife is fucking another man in his house 2 miles away.
The millionaire gets pretty mad and asks the hitman to shoot them. The hitman sa...

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Bet on a bullet (slightly NSFW)

A man walks into a gun shop.

‟I wanna buy a new scope and bullets for my rifle”

‟sure” said the owner handing over a scope ‟if you look out the window,this scope is so powerful you can see into my house”

The man looks,then turns to the shopkeeper and says ‟sorry mate there is a ...

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A hunter went to the gun shop to buy a scope...

A hunter went into a gun store to buy a new scope for his rifle. He walks up to the counter and asks for the best scope available. The clerk reaches underneath the shelf and takes one out.

"This is the best scope money can buy. If you don't believe me, take it and look out the window. You can...

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A man decided to go hunting...

He drove up to the wilds and stopped at a hunting supply shop. The owner sold the man a precision hunting rifle and then the man went out to hunt. He’d read lots of information about hunting, picked his spot downwind of the watering hole and he waited... and waited.

He was surprised by a ta...

A village is being terrorized by a man eating tiger.

All the villagers' efforts to catch this tiger have been in vain. They call an acclaimed hunter "One shot Bob" who is so named because rumor has it that he can disable or kill any animal with just one shot.

So the hunter arrives, all smug and self assured. He prepares for the hunt and perch...

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Poor old Jim finds out his wife is cheating with his best friend.

He wants to hire a hitman to put an end to their affair. The private investigator Jim hired recommends a guy who's supposedly the top in the field. Jim only has a few thousand dollars in savings, though, after the lengthy surveillance campaign, and he worries it won't be enough.

"That's okay,...

Guy walks into a store in the US

He says, "I want a high-powered sniper rifle, a scope, a laser sight, and 2000 rounds of ammunition. And I need my anti-psychotics refilled."

The clerks says, "Whoa! Hold on there, buddy! You can't just buy drugs without a prescription!"

A hitman has a high profile Indian Businessman as a target

He receives intel that the Indian Businessman will have a quick exchange with another associate in a crowded marketplace at 1200 the next day. He is also given a description of the target and warned that the target will only stay for a few minutes at most. That night, the hitman sets up on the rooft...

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A man walks into a bar...

...with a little monkey on his shoulder. Man orders a beer and the little monkey is excitedly looking around at all the sights. Man sips on his beer and the monkey spies a bowl of peanuts at one end of the bar so he scampers over and proceeds to scarf down all the peanuts. Bartender sees all this, l...

There are 11 types of people in this world...

1 those who understand binary

2 those who don't

3 those who are sick of hearing this joke





4 those who don't check for data overruns



Commit: re-scope of overflow after code review thanks @eightvo

-- 6 those who don't check for data overrun...

Two men are hunting in the woods behind the house of one of them.

One looks through the scope of his rifle and says to the other, "Your wife is in their with another man."

The husband says, "Shoot her in the head and him in the balls."

The other man says, "That'll be easy. I can do that in one shot!"

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

Today I really missed my Ex

I think I need a better scope.

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RE-RE-RE-REMIX - So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet...

*This is a parody because the original is posted almost daily*

So there was this professional assassin that charged $10,000 per bullet

A guy comes up to him in the bar one day and says, “Are you the guy who charges $10,000 a bullet?”

“Yup”

“What if you miss?”

He lo...

A psycopath goes into a store

He approaches the person at the counter and asks:

-Hello sir, may I have an assault rifle, 3,000 rounds, a scope, and a box of penicillin?

-Sorry sir, I can't sell you penicillin without a prescription.

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A guy at a golf course meets another guy with a big silver case......

..curious, he asks his new friend what’s in there.
“I’m a high end assassin, this is my rifle, I charge £5,000 per bullet”
“Wow can I see?”
So the assassin hands the guy the super powerful scope and says “see what you think”
As he looks through the scope he sees his house “wow this is g...

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The Bear and the Hunter

A man goes into a gun shop and buys a rifle to go bear hunting. Five minutes into the woods, he spots a huge grizzly, takes aim and fires… and when the smoke clears, bear is gone. As he's puzzling over this, he feels a tap on his shoulder. He turns around and there, towering over him, is the bear....

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A man goes to a gun store.

A man in a small town goes to a gun store to buy a new scope for his rifle. The store is located atop a hill that is only a short distance from his home. The clerk starts his sale pitch.

Clerk: "This is the best scope we sell. You'll be able to hit any target up to a mile away."

Man: "...

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A woman discovers her husband has been cheating on her. She immediately hires a hitman to enact revenge...

Upon meeting the hitman she explains through her rage that she wants the hitman to shoot the woman with whom her husband was cheating in the head. Wanting her husband to suffer, she tells the hitman not to kill him, but to shoot him in his groin.

That evening, knowing her husband will be meet...

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What toothpaste do ants use?

MicroScope

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Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."

At first the other men were skeptical, but then the...

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One guy wanted to go golfing..

But his partner didn't show up. So he asks a perfect stranger, who was also alone, to golf with him. The man having nothing else to do says sure why not. So while on the course the first guy asks the second guy

First Guy(guy with no partner): So what do you do?

Second Guy(Perfect Stran...

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

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So there was a mighty hunter...(long but worth it)

Who went out hunting one day. The hunter comes upon a field and spies a massive grizzly bear. So he crouches down with his rifle, lines it up just right and Ka-boom! After the shot rings out, he can't see the bear. He looks around left and right until he feel a tap on his shoulder.
It's the b...

Gyroscopes?

Why not falafel-scopes?

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Golfing assassin

So a guy was out golfing by himself when he ran into a stranger who asked if they should play together. The guy would love some company and said yes.

So they were walking along the golf course chatting when the topic of professions came up.
"What do you do for a living?", the guy says. ...

When is the only time you're smiling and winking at your mother in law?

When you're looking at her through a rifle scope.

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A Hunting Joke.

Two hunters are out in the woods, they set up a blind and after a couple of hours The first one says,"Tom, there's something you should probably see," Tom replies,"I'm too tired, what is it?" There was a long pause. The first hunter tries to break it to his friend the best he can, and says," Well it...

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

I'm gonna need some specs or an outline of the scope, before I can get you an estimate.

A man finds a lamp...

A man finds a lamp lying on the beach, and when he picks it up, he is startled when a genie comes out of it. The genie intones "For granting me my freedom, sir, I will grant you one wish." The man figures that if he only gets ONE wish, he should probably use it for the greater good, and requests "Oh...

How do you measure how funny an electrical engineer is?

You use an o-silly-scope!

How is working in I.T. like being a wizard?

You command vast powers beyond the scope of smaller minds, but to them all you do is wiggle your fingers and stuff just happens.

In the words of Kurt Cobain

Check this sweet no scope

"The Frogs in Prague Defy Catalog"

According to a research team at Charles University in Prague, the local amphibians have very peculiar migratory habits. In recent years, a new sub-species have been identified which is not native to the area around the Czech capitol. The research has been carried out with the help of many students a...

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2 guys get paired up on a golf course...

after a few holes of not talking to each other, Tom decides to break the Ice.

Tom: Probably should of introduced my self before we started golfing. I'm Tom, nice to meet you.

Michael: Michael, nice to meet you too.

Tom: So, Michael... What do you do for a living?

Michael:...

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A pirate walks into a bar with a leg, hand and eye missing...

ONe of his old friends happens to be in this same bar and immediately calls to him, "Hey, Cap'n! Long time no see! You seem rough, care to explain?"

The captain explains his leg first. "I lost a bet in a gambling, and I had to get into a cannon to be launched into the sea. One of my men got t...

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A verse of unit puns

The Units Verse
by Kevin Ahern

Two thousand pounds of Chinese soup
Will make a restaurant run

In Beijing, China order it
In units of Won ton


Religious leaders measure clout
From Nome to Amsterdam

By how much clout they have with God
The units - billi-gr...

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