Mountain ranges aren't just funny

They're hill areas

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Today, I took my Golf balls and My Driver to the Range to practice my accuracy.

After hitting every single golf ball, I can successfully confirm that my Ex has no Windows left in her house.

I met Tiger Woods at a driving range, and he offered to watch a few of my shots and give me advice

He watched carefully, and told me I was standing much too close to the ball - after I hit it

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I asked my grandad for his shooting range

He said: no, you wouldn't make a good principal

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Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their favorite sex positions.


One said, "Think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."


"I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it?"


"Well, it's where you get your wife down on a...

I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work....

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual!

The Lone Ranger and Tonto were riding on the range one day.

The two came to a stop, where Tonto jumped off his horse and put his head on the ground to listen to see if anyone was coming.
After a few seconds he rose and said, "Buffalo come."
The Lone Ranger was amazed and proclaimed "Damn you’re smart, how the hell do you know?"
Tonto replied, "Face...

What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

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My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

What's the difference between an american school and a firing range?

The school has moving targets.

[Long] I was at the fair and I saw this drunk guy at the shooting range.

He was completely wasted but somehow managed to shoot all the targets. The guy at the stand gave him the first prize :a turtle. I watched the guy leave happily with his prize while bumping into sober people.

Later on, the guy came back swaying to the shooting range, even more drunk. The guy a...

Did you hear about the mountain ranges in Southern New Zealand?

They are Remarkable(s)!

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange"...

My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "No it doesn't"

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.

"Fire at will"

What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range?

Pizza Putt.

What happens when you put a bar at a golf range? (OC)

A lot of drunk driving.

[OC] How do americans get to the shooting range?

With the school bus

My buddy told me nothing rhymes with orange.

I told him no it doesn't.

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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

I asked my friend in Texas if he wanted to go to the shooting range with me.

He says, "Nah fam, High School was a long time ago"

I went to a gun range. I saw a man shooting a gun every 15 minutes.

I go over to the man shooting and see he has shot the same precise hole every time.

I see it's Todd Howard, I ask him how he does it.
He says, "It's easy, just do the same thing every time."

I took my kids to the shooting range today.

But they said I had to use the paper targets.

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a range rover

The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

What's the difference between a shooting range and a school in the US?

You'll find a Safety Officer in the former.

TIL people with tiny hands can't use an oven or a range...

They can only microwave.

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

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I got told off for masturbating at the gun range.

We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.

I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn’t seem to find it, so I asked for directions...

The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, “The city of Chicago is the shooting range.”

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today.

I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."

A man walked into an archery range

He noticed a guy standing alone at the end of the row. This person would draw an arrow from his quiver, stab it into his leg, then ready and loose at the target.

Confused as hell, he asked, "Why are you jabbing yourself in the leg with your arrows before you use them?!"

The man smiled...

Who's the bravest in the military

At a NATO conference in Washington DC one year, British, French, and US Generals were discussing who had the bravest soldiers.
The French General told one of his soldiers to run out into the path of on coming traffic.....the soldier did, and was killed. The General said, "Now that is bravery" ...

What word is used to describe a plant's range of emotions?

Chlorofeels

In which mountain range do fruit trees primarily grow?

The Apple-achian mountains.

What rhymes with Orange...

No it doesn't

A long-range trucker was returning home for the holidays

He was looking forward to seeing his family. However, the snows of December were coming in, and eventually it was a full blizzard. He decided to pull over and stay overnight in a little town. The next morning, he went to a diner to get breakfast. He saw eggs benidict on the menu. The waiter said it ...

Never been to the blindfold shooting range?

You don't know what you're missing.

The Cincinnati zoo is putting in a new shooting range for it's employees.

Ooh, sorry I misread that. They are just getting a new gorilla.

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A priest and his buddy are having a shooting competition down at the range...

The priest went first. He aimed his rifle and shot at the target, hitting a perfect bullseye. His friend went next, aimed, and fired way off course, missing the target completely. He angrily exclaims, "Shit, I missed!"

The priest, upon hearing this, warns his friend, telling him "You better w...

Never criticize a gun owner until you've walked a mile in his shoes

That way he'll be barefoot and you'll be out of range

Americans have a strange dialect.

It's all "sneakers" instead of "trainers"...

... and "sweater" instead of "jumper"...

... and "shooting range" instead of "high school"...

What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range?

Router Limits!

Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range...

But it wasn't his strong suit

Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils.

They're a massage in a bottle

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A Japanese man walked into a shooting range...

And saw a Chinese man, an American man and a British man arguing over who was the better shooter. The Japanese went over to them and suggested that they get into a competition to settle the argument. They all agreed.

The Japanese man took out an apple from his bag, and put it on his head. H...

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Two Cowboy are riding the range,one gets off his horse,lifts it's tail and kisses it right on the ass....

Cowboy 1: Hoe Lee Shit! Why did you do that!?

Cowboy 2: I have chap lips..

Cowboy 1: And that cures it?

Cowboy 2: No, it keeps me from licking them!

A new mountain range

Have you heard of the mountain range predicted to be just outside the Appalachians? It's called the Extrapolations.

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

If you want to open a store, I recommend selling stoves

You'll immediately offer a range of hot products

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It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine.

The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."

The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of th...

The secret to success in the corporate world

A young professional parks his battered old car outside his office one morning. Stepping out, he sees the CEO sweeping into the car park in his brand new, sparkling, top of the range Mercedes S Class.

Starstruck, and knowing this company has an ethos of openness which means everyone is appro...

One of my Irish buddies tried to develop an electric car...

It didn't have great range as he couldn't get a long enough extension cord!

I'm a Brit and I hate it when I have to correct Americans' choice of words.

It's colour not color.

It's football, not soccer.

It's lift, not elevator.

It's school, not shooting range.

In 2020 Ford is re-releasing the Bronco

There will be a special edition OJ trim level:

Standard White paint with dark tinted windows, governed to 30 mph, extended range gas tank, and has an undersized glove box.

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During World War 2, three generals were arguing over who had the best soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.


“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”


“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.


He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, to...

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The Russian President:

At a KHL game: Vladimir Rutin

At a gun range: Vladimir Shutin

Imitating an owl: Vladimir Hutin

With a wheat harvest: Vladimir Gultin

Looking Amphibious: Vladimir Newtin

Rioting and stealing shit: Vladimir Lutin

Bungling a ground ball: Vladimir Butin
...

I went to a fan convention

It was very interesting with a large range of fans, including metal, plastic and even wooden. Quite Frankly, I was blown away

The bible is 100% accurate

When thrown at a close range...

My first joke - don't crucify me please

Mac decided to go to the shooting range with his friend. Having never shot a gun before, he is a little nervous that he'll embarrass himself by performing poorly at the range but his friend reassures him that he'll do alright. Once they arrive they make their way to the back where the instructor is ...

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Golf is such a discriminatory sport

I grew up in the glory days of Tiger vs. Phil and I always admired what that man had overcome to get to the heights of the sport's mountaintops. He was just like me, except for my whole life, I'd never felt accepted on the golf course. People would give me weird looks when I'd try to play and the pe...

Religious Cowboy

A devout cowboy lost his favorite Bible while he was mending fences out on the range. Three weeks later, a duck walked up to him carrying the Bible in its mouth. The cowboy couldn't believe his eyes. He took the precious book out of the duck's mouth, raised his eyes heavenward and exclaimed, "It's a...

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At the peak of the cold war the Russians started a project to mass produce war robots.

The plan was divided into 4 stages, in the first stage the scientists were tasked to perfect the technology of remotely controlling the robots.

The second stage was giving the robots a perfectly humanoid stucture and give them the ability to perfectly copy human actions.

T...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

I find it amusing Americans call it “soccer” and the English call it “football”

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it “shooting range” and the Americans call it “school”

A rancher turned weed farmer lost half a million dollar worth of his Marijuana crop to cattle.

The rancher had tried a novel idea of planting Marijuana in the grazing range as cows normally don't eat Marijuana. Unfortunately for him the cows developed a special predilection for the supposedly weed plant. The rancher is devastated but he was well aware that the steaks were high.

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[Long] This wealthy couple from New York made a trip down south...

To visit some relatives that retired down in Florida. They were big foodies and decided to make a stop in Tennessee because they had never had good southern food but had heard how good it was. They find a hole in the wall southern food joint and pulled their new Range Rover in between two old beat u...

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

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Bill The Hunter

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul yo...

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Two cowboys

Riding across the range, they come upon a heifer with her head caught in the fence. Cowboy#1 says "you know I'm getting kind of tired of beating off in the bushes, I think ill take advantage of this situation"

He hops off his horse and goes to the heifer and has sloppy intersperses sexual in...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea’s long-range missiles don’t go that far

FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS...

It's Mum not Mom

It's crisps not chips

It's chips not fries

It's football not soccer

It's rugby not football

It's school not shooting range

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This really isn't a good joke but...

In an alternate universe, Hitler gains power of the whole world (somehow) and he is so full of himself, he changes the official title of a man from mister to the first 3 letters of his name.

In this alternate universe, Hitler doesn't believe in Aryan supremacy but supports LGBT (bear with me)...

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

Support Bacteria

Now I don't do that, though. Now I merely go about my day. I hike to the Gardens, where the dogplants sprout up in bizarre shapes from the floor of the dogscape, and reach up to pluck the fetal puppyfruits right off the wagging, energetic branches. I bite into the succulent flesh, the juices dribbli...

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A Hunter goes Hunting

A hunter heads to the woods to hunt bears. After 2 long weeks, he did not see any. So when a cubs appear in is sight, he says "fuck it"

BAMN!

Cub drops dead.

"tap tap tap" somethings taps on his shoulder.

He turns around and see a big black bear. The bear says :

"T...

A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife.

He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Upstairs the wife th...

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My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.

We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"

My wife ...

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships c...

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So two guys need a car

Two guys head to the car dealership to see if they can get a car, the salesmen shows them a few cars and even the cheapest one is out of their price range, the car salesmen says “well follow me I have something that might work” and shows them a camel. The two guys after thinking about it decide to t...

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

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NSFW She's Probably Right

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do y...

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. ...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.

The youngest cowboy says, “Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.”

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, “That’s nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught i...

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Dave and his wife were checking out of a hotel...

"Double bed, that will be £300" says the receptionist.


"£300?" Says Dave, "But we only stayed for one night!"


"Yes, but you have to understand, the Royal Hotel is the most illustrious hotel in Ireland, we have a top of the range spar and a 18 hole golf course"


"But I...

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

At a joint NATO training excercise,

An American officer is overseeing a firing range. There a soldiers of all nationalities present. However, the officer takes particular interest in a young Australian soldier. Whilst his peers are firing at targets, he struggles to load his gun and then it jams. The officer whispers to his fellow Ame...

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