What do you get when you cross a mountain range with 40 elephants?

A strategic military advantage against the Romans in the Second Punic War.

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My sister is taking my nephews to the gun range to teach them about gun safety.

They’re not looking forward to sex ed.

[Long] I was at the fair and I saw this drunk guy at the shooting range.

He was completely wasted but somehow managed to shoot all the targets. The guy at the stand gave him the first prize :a turtle. I watched the guy leave happily with his prize while bumping into sober people.

Later on, the guy came back swaying to the shooting range, even more drunk. The guy a...

What's the difference between an american school and a firing range?

The school has moving targets.

My wife told me she wanted to widen her range of action.

So I expanded the kitchen.

Humans exist in a tight range of 7.35-7.45 pH which means...

Y'all basic!

What do you call a pizzeria on a golf range?

Pizza Putt.

It would suck to be named Will at a shooting range.

"Fire at will"

My buddy told me nothing rhymes with orange.

I told him no it doesn't.

[OC] How do americans get to the shooting range?

With the school bus

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A range of alcoholic drinks is being produced named after famous authors

.... Dickens Cider is proving very popular

A mathematician, physicist, and a statistician go to a shooting range.

The three want to find out who is the best shot, so they decide to have a contest. Each competitor gets two shots, and the most accurate shooter wins.

They take their targets down range, and the mathematician goes first. He calculates how long it would take for the bullet to reach the target ...

I went to a gun range. I saw a man shooting a gun every 15 minutes.

I go over to the man shooting and see he has shot the same precise hole every time.

I see it's Todd Howard, I ask him how he does it.
He says, "It's easy, just do the same thing every time."

What happens when you put a bar at a golf range? (OC)

A lot of drunk driving.

Officer at the shooting range: Get ready, aim, fire at will.

Soldier: Which one is Will?

Mountain ranges are not funny.

They are hill areas

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a range rover

The hedgehog has pricks on the outside.

I took my kids to the shooting range today.

But they said I had to use the paper targets.

A major detergent manufacturer is to release a new range of fruit scents, including apple, tomato, orange, banana and mango

They're going to call it "Tide Pods - Natural Selection"

What's the difference between a shooting range and a school in the US?

You'll find a Safety Officer in the former.

TIL people with tiny hands can't use an oven or a range...

They can only microwave.

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During WW2, three generals were arguing who had the bravest soldiers.

The British general called one of his men over.

“Private! See that nazi tank in the minefield there? Go destroy it.”

“Yes, Sir!” The soldier replied and started running.

He ran across the unmarked minefield until within range of the tank with his anti-tank weapon, took aim and f...

I heard that Chicago had a world renowned shooting range. So I went to go check it out. When I got there I couldn’t seem to find it, so I asked for directions...

The guy I asked gave me a funny look and said, “The city of Chicago is the shooting range.”

I asked my friend in Texas if he wanted to go to the shooting range with me.

He says, "Nah fam, High School was a long time ago"

What's the difference between a shooting range and an American college?

About thirty thousand dollars a year.

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I got told off for masturbating at the gun range.

We had very different interpretations of shooting from the hip.

What rhymes with Orange...

No it doesn't

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A sniper and his spotter are practicing on the range...

The sniper shoulders the spotter and says "Buddy I hate to be the one to tell you but I just scoped back over towards the barracks and your wife is cheating on you with the XO." The spotter gets a grim look in his eyes and mutters "Shoot the bitch in the head and the bastard in the balls." The snipe...

My 10 y.o. son cracked this joke on the driving range today.

I sliced the hell out of the ball. My son watched it land, turned to me and said, "that ball was like Star Trek Voyager ... way off course."

A man walked into an archery range

He noticed a guy standing alone at the end of the row. This person would draw an arrow from his quiver, stab it into his leg, then ready and loose at the target.

Confused as hell, he asked, "Why are you jabbing yourself in the leg with your arrows before you use them?!"

The man smiled...

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Two cowboys are out on the range talking about their favorite sex position.

One says, I think I enjoy the rodeo position the best. I don't think I have ever heard of that one, says the other cowboy. What is it? Well, it's where you get your girl down on all four, and you mount her from behind. Then you reach around, cup her t*ts, and whisper in her ear, 'boy these feel almo...

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A cowboy takes a break from the range and heads out to LA for a cowboy convention . . .

When he gets to LA, he decides to stop at a local watering hole and grab a beer. He's sitting there in his hat, jeans, and boots, when a woman walks up and sits down beside him.


Woman: Are you a cowboy?

Cowboy: Well yes ma'am, I am.

Woman: Like a real deal cowboy?

Cow...

The Cincinnati zoo is putting in a new shooting range for it's employees.

Ooh, sorry I misread that. They are just getting a new gorilla.

What word is used to describe a plant's range of emotions?

Chlorofeels

Did you hear that if you put Free Range animals in a pen, they murder each other?

They become deranged.

A long-range trucker was returning home for the holidays

He was looking forward to seeing his family. However, the snows of December were coming in, and eventually it was a full blizzard. He decided to pull over and stay overnight in a little town. The next morning, he went to a diner to get breakfast. He saw eggs benidict on the menu. The waiter said it ...

Disney have brought out a range of George Lucas dolls, complete with realistic features.

They keep selling out.

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A man enters a sexy lingerie store to purchase a transparent negligee for his wife.

The salesgirl shows him several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the sheerest item, pays the $500, and takes it home.

He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him. Ups...

Never been to the blindfold shooting range?

You don't know what you're missing.

What is it called when you are on the edge of WiFi signal range?

Router Limits!

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A priest and his buddy are having a shooting competition down at the range...

The priest went first. He aimed his rifle and shot at the target, hitting a perfect bullseye. His friend went next, aimed, and fired way off course, missing the target completely. He angrily exclaims, "Shit, I missed!"

The priest, upon hearing this, warns his friend, telling him "You better w...

In which mountain range do fruit trees primarily grow?

The Apple-achian mountains.

The bible is 100% accurate

When thrown at a close range...

Apparently Iron Man also did a tuxedo range...

But it wasn't his strong suit

A rancher is riding the range checking his fences...

This guy is a very devout Christian and has his Bible in his saddle bag. He gets back to the ranch house, unsaddles his horse, unpacks his gear, and is devastated to find somewhere along the way he has dropped his Bible.

A few weeks later he's sitting on the porch at sundown digesting his din...

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The year: 2029. A brilliant scientist is constructing the first sentient artificial intelligence.

He's working out of his garage in San Francisco, living on charitable donations from his worried friends. He dropped out of college when he realized he could change the world — there's no going back; his life is dedicated to this project. At first, he is met with failure upon failure. But then, he r...

Sting has launched his own range of aromatherapy oils.

They're a massage in a bottle

Eldarion, son of Aragorn, High King of the Reunited Kingdom, was bored.

In a time of peace, there was not much to do, and he was long tired of his jesters. So he called for all of his subordinates, and announced a new prestigious title to which all are given candidacy; the title of “Duke of the Best Joke”.

 

Not wanting to disappoint, Finance Mini...

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Two Cowboy are riding the range,one gets off his horse,lifts it's tail and kisses it right on the ass....

Cowboy 1: Hoe Lee Shit! Why did you do that!?

Cowboy 2: I have chap lips..

Cowboy 1: And that cures it?

Cowboy 2: No, it keeps me from licking them!

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A Japanese man walked into a shooting range...

And saw a Chinese man, an American man and a British man arguing over who was the better shooter. The Japanese went over to them and suggested that they get into a competition to settle the argument. They all agreed.

The Japanese man took out an apple from his bag, and put it on his head. H...

I find it amusing Americans call it “soccer” and the English call it “football”

Just like how I find it amusing the English call it “shooting range” and the Americans call it “school”

A guy is out bow hunting...

... and while he's peeking out from behind a bush, he feels a giant paw on his shoulder.

It's a bear who says, "I won't kill you if you get on your knees and blow me right now."

The hunter is terrified so what could he do? He gives the bear head.

He feels humiliated and very an...

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[Long] This wealthy couple from New York made a trip down south...

To visit some relatives that retired down in Florida. They were big foodies and decided to make a stop in Tennessee because they had never had good southern food but had heard how good it was. They find a hole in the wall southern food joint and pulled their new Range Rover in between two old beat u...

A new mountain range

Have you heard of the mountain range predicted to be just outside the Appalachians? It's called the Extrapolations.

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Three guys travel to Saudi Arabia and got lost. They walk into a tent that they think was the one they rented but actually belongs to a prince with 3 hot wives.

The prince comes home and thinks his wives are cheating on him. As a punishment, he tells them that their penises will have to be cut off in some way relating to their occupation.
He asks the first guy what his job was.
"I'm an employee at the shooting range," he replies.
"Then we'...

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Two cowboys

Riding across the range, they come upon a heifer with her head caught in the fence. Cowboy#1 says "you know I'm getting kind of tired of beating off in the bushes, I think ill take advantage of this situation"

He hops off his horse and goes to the heifer and has sloppy intersperses sexual in...

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Because North Korea’s long-range missiles don’t go that far

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Bill The Hunter

Bill's all excited about his new rifle. So, he goes bear hunting in Alaska. The first bear he sees is a little brown bear, and he kills it with his first shot. There is a tap on his shoulder, and he turns around to see a big black bear. The black bear says "You've got two choices. One, I maul yo...

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This really isn't a good joke but...

In an alternate universe, Hitler gains power of the whole world (somehow) and he is so full of himself, he changes the official title of a man from mister to the first 3 letters of his name.

In this alternate universe, Hitler doesn't believe in Aryan supremacy but supports LGBT (bear with me)...

FOR ONCE AND FOR ALL MY AMERICAN FRIENDS...

It's Mum not Mom

It's crisps not chips

It's chips not fries

It's football not soccer

It's rugby not football

It's school not shooting range

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An unfortunate glass eye joke.

Two cowboys came into town after six months out on the range. They were very young and virgins and decided they would get a whore that night. But they were nervous so they had beer after beer and a couple whiskeys. They spent most of their money and only had three dollars left. They asked the barten...

The 3 main difference between the UK and the USA

In the UK it's football. In the USA it's soccer.
In the UK it's Colour. In the USA it's Color.
In the UK it's School. In the USA it's shooting range.

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A Hunter goes Hunting

A hunter heads to the woods to hunt bears. After 2 long weeks, he did not see any. So when a cubs appear in is sight, he says "fuck it"

BAMN!

Cub drops dead.

"tap tap tap" somethings taps on his shoulder.

He turns around and see a big black bear. The bear says :

"T...

A new salesman

There was a big town, with a big grocery store that anything could be bought from. Literally anything.

The manager of the storehouse put a "help wanted" flyer up, and a shy boy from the countryside applied for the job.

The manager was interviewing the boy, and asked:


"So, yo...

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So two guys need a car

Two guys head to the car dealership to see if they can get a car, the salesmen shows them a few cars and even the cheapest one is out of their price range, the car salesmen says “well follow me I have something that might work” and shows them a camel. The two guys after thinking about it decide to t...

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A graduate student in psychology

A psychology graduate student working at a local university was sent on a field assignment to evaluate the mental condition of three patients in a local mental institution and assess their possibilities for reintegration into society.

The facility was well funded and nicer than the student ex...

Jesus went into the mountains with his disciples; and he began to teach them, saying:

Blessed are the meek.

Blessed are the poor in spirit.

Blessed are those who mourn.

Blessed are the peacemakers.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness.

And Peter said: Will this be in the test?

And Philip said: Were we supposed...

Math hole told to me 20 years ago by a professor

What's the difference between a physicist and mathematician?

There's a pot of water on the table and both the physicist and mathematician are asked to boil it. The physicist picks it up, puts it on the range, and lights the burner. The mathematicians picked it up, puts it on the range, and l...

A man in rags parks a 40-year-old pickup truck next to a printing store and walks up to the counter.

He says:

- I need 20 pictures of Kim Kardashian. I'll pay later.

The store clerk agrees and makes the prints. The truck guy drives away with them. Some time later, he comes back in decent clothes and a 20-year-old truck, pays for the 20 pictures and says:

- I need 50 pictures of...

Communications Tech

A communication technician drafted by the army was at a firing range. At the range, he was given some instruction, a rifle and 50 rounds. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The technician looked at his...

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My wife and I went to take golf lessons from a pro at the golf club.

We meet the pro and headed to the driving range. I went first. I swing and hit the ball 100 yards.

The golf pro says, "Not bad, now hold your club as firmly as you hold your wife's breast." I followed his instructions and hit the ball 300 yards. The golf pro says, "Excellent!"

My wife ...

So a three masted sailing ship is leaving port...

... just a day out of port the captain is standing on the deck when the lookout calls down "Sir! There's an enemy ship on the horizon!"

The captain turns to his cabin boy and shouts "Bring me my red shirt!"

After the cabin boy brings him the red shirt and he puts it on, the two ships c...

At a joint NATO training excercise,

An American officer is overseeing a firing range. There a soldiers of all nationalities present. However, the officer takes particular interest in a young Australian soldier. Whilst his peers are firing at targets, he struggles to load his gun and then it jams. The officer whispers to his fellow Ame...

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Dave and his wife were checking out of a hotel...

"Double bed, that will be £300" says the receptionist.


"£300?" Says Dave, "But we only stayed for one night!"


"Yes, but you have to understand, the Royal Hotel is the most illustrious hotel in Ireland, we have a top of the range spar and a 18 hole golf course"


"But I...

[OC]A man walks into a hardware store

Man: Hello, I'm doing some work on my house exterior and need to get to the siding and onto the roof.

Employee: Well, we have a wide range of ladders that will do the trick. There's a 3-step ladder that will be perfect for the siding, and an extending ladder that will get you up on the roof. ...

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An older man and his grandson are on a plane when one of the engines starts to fail.

Realizing they are still flying over a mountain range and have nowhere safe to put down, the pilot and co-pilot devise a plan to keep the plane aloft in the sky for everyone's safety. The pilot grabs his microphone and announces to the passengers,

"Hello passengers, this is your captain speak...

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NSFW She's Probably Right

A professor at the University of Oklahoma was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students. Realizing this was not the most riveting subject, the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do y...

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The camel leg thief

Shaun is a tourist visiting a small town in the Arabian desert. He stops into a shop one day and when he's finished, he finds that his camel is missing its legs. Shocked, he approaches a bystander and asks if he saw who took his camel's legs. The bystander squints at him, looks at the camel, and say...

Buying a hinge

While installing a new door, I found that one of the hinges was missing. So, I asked my wife Mary if she would go to Home Depot and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the Manager to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom faucet. When the Manager was...

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Three cowboys are sitting around a campfire.

The youngest cowboy says, “Last week, a mammoth bull gored 10 men on the range, but I stepped in and wrestled it to the ground with nothing but my bare hands.”

Not wanting to be outdone, the second cowboy says, “That’s nothing. Two days ago, I was attacked by a 10-foot rattler, but I caught i...

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2 Congressmen, 2 rednecks, and 2 tech guys from Silicon Valley go to North Korea . . .

So these 2 Congressmen decided to make a goodwill trip to North Korea. To show the wide range of cultures in the U.S., they took a couple redneck guys from Mississippi and a couple of tech savvy guys from California. After a short tour, they were thrown in prison for not having proper credentials....

Guns – Good Question, Better Answer!

For those that don't know him, Major General Peter Cosgrove is an Australian General.
General Cosgrove was interviewed on the radio recently.
Read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns and children.
Regardless of how you feel about gun laws, you have to love this!
Thi...

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The Assassin

Two men had a tee time, and were about to get started when a man approached them, said he was alone and asked if he could join them. The two men agreed.

Making small talk, the subject of their professions came up. After the first two described their boring desk jobs, the third man said "I'm a...

A telecoms engineer joins the army...

On the shooting range the Sergeant shows him the distant target and tells him to fire six rounds, which he does. The Sarge walks all the way to the target and shouts back "You haven't hit it at all!" The telecoms guy puts his finger over the end of the barrel, pulls the trigger and blows his finger ...

A blonde walks into a store

She sees a TV within her price range and tells the salesperson "I'd like to buy this TV"

"I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

She decides to go home and dye her hair black and returns the next day to buy the TV.

Once again.. "I'm sorry, we don't serve blondes."

Desperate ...

Do cannibals refer to...

Homeless people as “Free Range”?

How to save your chickens

Farmer Jack once lived on a quiet rural highway, but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up & eventually got so heavy & so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week...

So Farmer Jack called the local police station to complain, "You'...

They said I would miss my family...

I never miss at close range.

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A man wants to join the CIA

He signs up for recruitment and a couple days later he gets accepted into the training program. The CIA begins to put him through a bunch of tests to see if he's truly qualified to be an agent. He goes to the shooting range, he swims and runs laps to show his endurance, and he trains in martial arts...

Target practice

Out on the shooting range in an area where hunting is forbidden, I encounter two chinese gentleman curious about what happens at this place.

They politely ask if this is where they can shoot some rabbits. No no, I say, shooting rabbits is not legal here. You are only allowed to practice firin...

If God were an engineer...

3 Engineers are sitting at the bar, having a conversation along the lines of "If God were an engineer, what kind of engineer would he be?"

The Mechanical Engineer: "Obviously he was mechanical. Look at the joints, the complex range of motion, the connective tissue. Mechanical Engineer for sur...

A guy decides to wander the desert for 2 weeks with only supplies and a camel.

After a week though, he starts thinking about women and gets aroused. Considering he’s a week into his solemn stroll, he tries to think of a solution to fulfill his needs. The only solution he could think of was the camel.

He pulls down his pants and begins to try to ... seduce ... the camel...

Wife has hearing problems

A old man thinks his wife is losing her hearing. He calls the doctor about it and the doctor says he can do a little experiment to determine the severity, "Ask her a question from the next room in a normal tone of voice, and keep asking while coming closer until she can hear you. That way you know t...