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Achieve Jokes

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How does Vision achieve orgasm?

Wanda Jaximoff

What was the greatest achievement of the Spanish royal family?

They managed to turn their family tree into a circle

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I’m planning a charity event for people who struggle to achieve an orgasm

If you can’t come, let me know

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

To all the people who call me too lazy to achieve anything in life...

Proving you wrong is what gets me up from bed.... in the afternoon.

have faith in what you can achieve..

Take Beethoven as an example, he was deaf and everyone just told him that he won't be a great musician...


But he just didn't listen

What is someone who helps women achieve higher education called?

Goinacollegist

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No matter what this husband did in bed, his wife never achieved an orgasm.

Since by Jewish law a wife is entitled to sexual pleasure, they decide to consult their Rabbi.

The Rabbi listens to their story, strokes his beard, and makes thefollowing suggestion: 'Hire a strapping young man. While the two of you are making love, have the young man wave a towel over you. T...

Did you hear about the scarecrow that won a lifetime achievement award?

He was outstanding in his field...

My friend had an affair with a patient. Worked so hard to achieve his degree and one mistake means he lost everything.

A great loss to the veterinary profession.

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Success is like pregnancy...

Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

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It's amazing what modern medicine can achieve

A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy..


Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and of course the surgeon agreed.
<...

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

What do you call cancer when it achieves sentience?

A reddit mod.

(doubt this will prevent it form being deleted and myself banned, but this 'attack' is quite impersonal)

Old man Cohen had immigrated to America and achieved the dream.

He started his own successful nail company. There are two kinds of people he felt, those who built the world and those who just benefitted from it. So he was worried about his son as he handed over the business on retiring.

Within a year his son had completely automated the company, upgraded ...

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What is Austria’s greatest achievement?

Convincing everyone Hitler was German

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I have achieved immortality

I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.

I wished that I won't die a virgin.

I finally managed to achieve my new years resolution

My 4K monitor turned up this morning, I'm so happy!!

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement

He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections. 

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, ...

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What do you call a man who uses Greek flatbread to achieve sexual gratification?

In general he's a pitaphile but if there is hummus involved, he's also hummus-sexual.

I wish everyone would lay off Lance Armstrong. What an amazing achievement to recover from testicular cancer and win the tour de France 7 consecutive times. I don't care he used drugs....

when I was on drugs I couldn't even find my bike.

Women only need 3.5 inches to achieve maximum pleasure...

...it's called a "credit card"

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon 'em

Even if it's from behind

I achieved my personal best in the 100 metres yesterday...

74 metres.

I achieved my goal of personal growth...

verified by the scale this morning.

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I’ve been training for months to achieve the world record title of ‘Furthest Ejaculation’.

I can’t believe how far I’ve come.

What is an American school kid's biggest achievement?

Walking out of school alive.

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How did Hitler achieve 99 firemaking?

He burned yews.

Two over achievers walk into a bar..

Clearly it wasn't set high enough.

My Kids are such over achievers

They even get the extra chromosome

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Did you hear about the woman who finally achieved her life long dream of working as a dildo tester?

People said she didn't have it in her, but she does.

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I started a support group for those who can't achieve an orgasm

If you can't come,let us know ..

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

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My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start...

So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already

A large study shows that educational achievement and earned income strongly correlated with height.

A study carried out among hundreds of elementary school classes showed the tallest person in the room almost always had the highest income and education level.

If your ever feeling like you can't achieve something, just remember...

Today, Amy Winehouse is six years clean.

Angela Merkel, Vladimir Putin and Donald Trump are shot during a conference and die...

Up in the sky, they are greeted by Saint Peter who says: ‚You have died. As you are politicians, surely you have sinned. Therefore you must wade through the Swamp of Lies before you can go to Heaven and join Him in eternal happiness.‘

As in her former life, Merkel wants to tackle every challe...

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Me: I have this inner image of a better me, I just can't achieve it.

Craig: Oh yes you can, just exercise, diet, and live a clean life and you can do anything.
.
.
Me: That doesn't double my penis size, Craig!

I have achieved the peak ramen-to-income ratio.

If I make more money, I'll eat less ramen.

And if I make any less money, I'll also eat less ramen.

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A joke about an old Jew.

For context, the Western Wall, found on the Temple Mount is the holiest site in Judaism.

Here is the joke:

An old Jew prays briefly at the Western Wall every morning.

A reporter says to the old Jew:

"What have you been praying for?"

The old Jew says: "I have been p...

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Blind members of Reddit, what is your greatest life achievement?

Fuck, nevermind

What do they tell Soviet children who want to achieve their dreams?

Shoot for the Tsars.

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Prostitutes are really over achievers...

I mean all they do is succeed.

My wife just accused me of having never achieved anything in life because of my addiction to board games.

I think she must have forgotten that time I won second prize in a beauty contest. . .

Erect your ears for this one

A woman asks her husband to start taking those pills that will help him achieve an erection. He agrees. The next day, she asks if he got the pills. "Picked 'em up today. Here you go honey," and tosses her a bottle of diet pills

Me after death with god in the heaven:- what's your greatest achievement?

I managed the people to forget about the 4/20 month and also made the extroverts to sit at their home.

I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

There were 2 blondes...

So I was sat on my porch one day and I saw 2 blondes working hard at the end of the street. One was digging a hole and the other would fill it in immediately after the first was done. This went on for about 2 hours until I walked over and said "Hey, you two are working pretty hard there, but I don't...

The USA’s greatest achievement wasn’t putting a man on the moon

It was putting a man on the moon and doing all the calculations in imperial units

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I finally achieved my dream of staring in a porn film

I was the man leaving early for work

I didn’t think it was any big achievement, but...

This doctors note says I haven’t used my muscles in so long, I’m getting a trophy!

Why couldn't the effective vitamin supplement achieve true happiness?

He was too super fish oil.

Did you hear about the scientist that achieved absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

During a radio interview the host brings up his Swedish guest's past achievements as an air force commander...

"So Commander, I understand you were an ace fighter pilot during World War II"

The Commander replies, "Ya sure, dis is true, I shot down nine of those Fokkers"

The host says, "at this point I think we should inform our listening audience that a "Fokker" is a type of German airplane use...

A woman who had no degree, achievements, or useful skills, except for being good looking, used to be known only as a trophy wife

today they're mostly known as social media influencers

Hear the one about the Buddhist monk who *almost* achieved total spiritual enlightenment?

He only made it to Nearvana.

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Interviewer: So Japan, I hear that you're the least obese country in the world. How did you achieve this?

Japan: Ah. So did I ever tell you what happened the last time we had a Fat Man in Japan?

Today my mentor told me if I want to achieve great things I'd have to make sacrifices.

Anyone know where to buy live chickens for cheap?

Donald Trump is the only person in the world who achieved this and made a history.

He won an argument against a woman

New deep learning system achieves state of the art in solving calculus problems

Hopefully it can show me how to integrate my natural log into someone else's vector space

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The space race shows that there's no limit to what human ingenuity can achieve

When they really want to prove they're better than some other bastard.

I hate people who think discovering Nirvana is some kind of an achievement.

Dumbass Buddhists...

I managed to achieve my personal best yesterday of holding my breath underwater for an incredible 8 minutes and 42 seconds!

It all started at my local swimming pool when a woman shouted out to her husband, "That's him, over there!"

Me and my friends have achieved the level of Led Zeppelin's members in musicianship.

The drummer plays the drums like Jimmy Page, the guitarist plays the guitar like John Bonham, the bassist plays the bass like Robert Plant and I sing like John Paul Jones.

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Two kids talking about their dads achievements

Kid1: have you heard of panama canal?


Kid2: yes.


Kid1: you know my dad dug it.


Kid2: ok, thats it. Have you heard about the dead sea?


Kid1: yes


Kid2: My dad killed it.

Man achieves legendary status in composing music while being DEAF. But who is he?

ClickBeethoven

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I've always wanted to marry a girl who's confident, hard working, and helps me achieve my goals....

So I married a stripper. Confident enough to be on stage naked, works long shifts in the middle of the night, helps me achieve my goals..that is until the song ends. That will be another 40 bucks.

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A group of highly skilled doctors meet at an international medical conference to boast of their greatest achievements

The Israeli doctor says: "In Israel, our medicine is so advanced that we are able to chop off a man's testicles, put them on another man and in only 6 weeks he is up and looking for work!"

The German doctor snorts and says: "That's nothing. In Germany, we can take out a bit of man's brain, pu...

The Gynecologist had become

fed up with his job and decided to change professions. One day after seeing an advertisment for an auto mechanic school on TV, he decided to sign up. The Dr studied very hard and gave it the same level of excelence as he did when practicing medicine.

The day of the final exam came. The Dr had...

Today I finally managed a feat coveted by many but achieved by few

I got the USB in by flipping it just twice.

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A medical school graduate starts her residency in a hospital for unusual cases

On her first day, she’s getting a tour of the facility by her supervisor while she takes notes.

They make their way to a room with a man who is masturbating ferociously. The med school grad asks her supervisor, “What disease does this man have?”

“Oh, it’s a very rare disease in whi...

Mick Jagger was awarded for his lifetime achievement in music industry for over 55 years.

He didn't have a date to the ceremony so Kate Moss, who was a huge fan of Mick, volunteered to be with him for the night. It was decided that he'll pick her up from her hotel. On the evening of the ceremony Mick didn't pick her up and went straight to the ceremony alone.


Apparently a rol...

Three people die and appear before Buddha

Stunned by the divine presence before them, they lower their heads.

-Raise your heads. You were humble in life and your deeds were praiseworthy. You have earned the right to a reincarnation of your choice. You have much to accomplish yet though.

One of the people takes a step forward a...

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An elephant is walking through the jungle

She steps over a fallen tree and gets a splinter in between her toes. She tries and tries to get it out but just ends up wedging it in deeper, driving her to tears.

She can't move much and is in a miserable state. Along comes a mouse.

"Please, Mr. Mouse, take this splinter out of my fo...

My grandfather is a Russian immigrant, so the last few years have been really hard for him. But I'm thrilled to share that he's achieved his dream of opening a bakery!

Please join me in wishing him luck with Vladimir Gluten.

The first sperm

The first sperm that reaches the egg is an ova achiever.

There are two ways to free oneself of the cycle of reincarnation.

One is to achieve enlightenment and become one with the universal energies. The other is to be reincarnated as a cheetah, which only ever reincarnate as other cheetahs, effectively removing oneself from the the cycle. >!Once a cheetah, always a cheetah.!<

Han Solo is chilling in his room when suddenly the light goes out.

He tries to fix the bulb, but after an hour of laborious effort, he gives up.

He heads over to Yoda's place to see if he can help. As Yoda opens the door, he spots a huge machine with flashing lights, beeping in the middle of the room.

"What's this?" he asks Yoda.

"A cloning m...

The Pope dies and goes to Heaven...

When he gets there, he finds he's being judged at the same time as Donald Trump. Saint Peter declares that the pope is going to hell and Trump is going to heaven. The pope is outraged and asks how someone as pious as he is going to hell, and someone like Trump could achieve heaven. "Well," says Sain...

Did you know a Kangaroo can jump higher than a house?

They can achieve this marvelous feat because houses can't jump.

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A farmer is laying in the bed with his wife

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry.


He looks up from the page and says to her, "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"


She looks at him wistfully...

The Invasion of Normandy

It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless.

Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voic...

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The rectum stretcher

Just as a car crosses over a bridge, a cop jumps out from behind a bush and signals the driver to the pull over. The cop walks over to the car window and says "Do you have any idea how fast you were going?"

The driver responds "No sir I do not, but it couldn't have been much faster than 50......

Why is it easy to come up with nicknames for a tree?

Because they stick.

I came up with this one, I hope it's good cause it's my only achievement in life.

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In an archeology class, the professor brings in a real mummy for demonstration.

In front of all the freshmen, he declares that in order to be a good scientist, one must achieve good skills and have great passion.

The professor puts his finger into the mummy’s butthole, puts the finger into his mouth, and sucks it like he does a lollipop.

“Now who has the gut to ju...

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of ...

Your momma's so fat

She achieved herd immunity by herself

My friend really wanted a swimming pool

He’s asking us for donations to help achieve his dream.

So I gave him a bottle of water.

Chairman Mao was a keen rock climber who managed to scale all the top ten peaks of China. He commemorated his achievement by getting his ears pierced and adding 10 pieces of jewellery to represent each peak.

he was....(ahem)....MaoTenEarring.

Bobby joins the military.

Recruitment sergeant: what would you like to achieve?
Bobby: I want to be a general after 2 years.
Recruitment sergeant: are you insane?
Bobby: is that required?

Greta Thunberg should really mention this sub Reddit in her next public speech

This sub has achieved almost 100% recycling rate for the jokes, perfect example of how a sustainable society should be.

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What is the difference between an erection and an election?

An erection is what a man needs to achieve first to fuck his partner.


An election is what a politician needs to achieve first to fuck his people.

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My first one here.

Once there was an old lady who lived her life without having sex ever. She was very proud of this achievement as the only one in the town where she lived.
While in her death bed she made a wish that this achievement of her be made public on her grave so she told someone to make her grave read as ...

A pregnant woman enters the delivery room with her husband

The doctor tells them that a new scientific breakthrough has been achieved : A way to transfer pain felt from one person to another. "This way, you can share the pain between the two of you, if you wish." The husband and wife agree.

"Great", says the doctor. "Considering men don't come close ...

Why was 6 afraid of 7?

Since seven was a child, he has always been a prime number. He excelled at everything he did, but he was kind of odd. Seven was very vengeful and quick to anger. Even though he was popular and well praised, he couldn't stand the sight of six, who was well rounded and has a good circle of tight frien...

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