How does an old rich man propose to a young beautiful woman?

Will you bury me?

How do you propose to a pothead?

Juanamari?

The best time to propose is on April 1st...

If they say no you can yell April fools!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said yes!

I proposed to my Russian girlfriend and she said Yes!

For the wedding, my whole family and friends flew over to her home town of Moscow.

It was a beautiful ceremony, however I did find some things strange. For instance, the priest never said, "You may now kiss the bride", but I just as...

What did the rabbit use to propose to his girlfriend?

A 24-carrot ring

I propose that we rename salmonella in honour of DMX.

Because eggs gon’ give it to ya.

A couple years ago, I was about to propose to my girlfriend when this guy Joseph, that had just started rooming with me, barged in out of nowhere.

He tripped and fell face first into this glass table I had. The table shattered and he was hurt. I didn’t know Joseph all that well, he was a random that moved to help me pay bills. I don’t even remember where he was from. Anyway, I put my plans on hold to help this guy out.

Joseph had gotten...

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[nsfw] A man proposes to his girlfriend and to his delight she says yes.

To show her how deep his love is, he decides to get her name, Wendy, tattooed on his penis. Penises being as they are, the name ‘Wendy’ is only visible when he has an erection. When it is flaccid, all that can be seen is ‘Wy’. ‘No bother’, he thinks. ‘This will just make the surprise even better on ...

A husband took his wife to a disco on the weekend. There was a guy on the dance floor busting tile. He was breakdancing, moonwalking, doing back flips - the works. The wife turned to husband and said: "See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

Her husband says: "Looks like he's still celebrating!"

A headline from the Dallas Morning News

Dallas Morning News - A 15 year old boy was at the center of a Dallas County courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with chil...

How did Charles Darwin propose to his wife?

He said that she was his natural selection.

Milk that cow..

Three handsome crop farmers (brunette, redhead, and blonde) liked the same farm-girl. The farm-girl had a big dairy farm.

One day the three farmer friends decided to ask her, who she would like to go out with. Since they were all very handsome, the farm-girl had a hard time deciding, so she ...

A family of potatoes sat down to dinner...

...There was a mom potato, dad potato, and three daughter potatoes. The oldest daughter potato said "I have exciting news! I'm getting married!"

The family bustled with excitement. "We're so happy for you!" said dad potato, "who is the lucky fellow?"

"He's an Idaho potato," said the el...

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Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

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You know why a man gets on one knee to propose

Cause hes talking to the vagina not you

I proposed to my ex-wife today

She said no, she thinks I'm just after my money

Why is it traditionally the man that proposes?

Because when women get on their knees it means something different

A young man was about to propose marriage to his girlfriend...

Naturally, he was really nervous and couldn’t think of how to pop the question. One day they were sitting on the couch and suddenly he just blurted out, “I think we should get married!”

“Wait,” his girlfriend said, taken aback, “are you serious?”

“I think I am,” he said.

“You’re...

I was going to propose to my girlfriend

I was going to propose to my girlfriend, when my roommate joseph walked into the room, tripped and put his head through the glass coffee table. He had glass in his eye.

I didn't really know my roommate. I didn't even know where he was from, but I postponed the proposal, to deal with this medi...

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Neil the trucker

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes:

"I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel."

And he sings this every five minutes.



At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the h...

How did the stoner propose to his wife?

Marriage, Juana?

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In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy...

In 1946, Sean Connery joined the Royal Navy. During his time there, he was in charge of a covert operation to spy on a Russian military installation which was directly next to a small lake.

He was in charge of a small team of highly trained soldiers, a few locals recruited to help with the op...

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

Got rejected by long term girlfriend,after I took her to dinner at a fancy restaurant,mustered up the courage,got down on my knee and finally proposed

A threesome with my wife.

Tom lost a foot in a traffic accident.

Years later, he fell in love with Mary. Tom didn't tell Mary his disability, worrying that she might leave him.

Tom loved Mary so much that he proposed to her and she said yes.

The next day after the wedding, Mary called her mother angrily : " My husband has only one foot "

...

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A married couple had fallen on hard times. The wife proposed that she work the corner giving blowjobs for money.

The husband doesn't like the sound of it, but reluctantly agreed because he has no other option. He couldn't sleep the first night she worked, and was awake when she finally came back in the morning. He asked how it went, and she says it was actually pretty fun.

"How much did you end up maki...

I proposed to my wife while in Florence...

... I can't say either of them were particularly impressed.

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon

A watermelon proposes to a honeydew melon and says

“honey, I love you and I just can’t wait to get married. Let’s just run off to the farmers market and get it done.”

And the melon says, “baby I love you too, but I just cantaloupe”

Four years ago to this day I asked out the most beautiful girl that I had a crush on. Fitting, today was the day I decided to propose to her...

...and she still said no both times.

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To propose to his girlfriend Wendy, Bill tattooed her name on his...

Penis. Unfortunately, when he was soft, only the 'W' and 'Y' were visible. Nonetheless, the proposal went well when he whipped it out for her, and Wendy accepted happily.

Not long after the proposal, they married and went on a Jamaican honeymoon. At the airport, Bill had to stop and take ...

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Jim decided to propose to Sandy, but prior to her acceptance.

Sandy had to confess to her man about her childhood illness.

She informed Jim that she suffered a disease that left her breasts at maturity of a 12 years old.

He stated that it was OK because he loved her so much.

“I too have a problem. My penis is the same size as an infant and...

What did the watermelon say to the honeydew when it proposed?

Sorry, I cantaloupe

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Someone proposed a support group for people who can’t orgasm

Sadly I don’t think it’s coming

How did Trump propose to Putin?

He went to Jared.

My girlfriend got covid

This is the perfect time to propose to her. She might just say yes because of the lack of taste.

The real reason women will never be the ones to propose

As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.

Everyone knows of Cassandra, the Greek woman cursed to see the future but to never be believed. I would like to propose a new figure as her opposite: a man who pretends to know to future and have everyone believe him.

Or as I call him, Trump.

How did Barack propose to Michelle?

He got down on one knee and said, "I don't wanna be Obama self."

Gym

A guy in the gym just proposed to his girl and she said no.

I guess that didn't work out.

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I propose a toast! To rattlesnakes and condoms...

Two thing I prefer not to fuck with

I wrote “Will you marry me?” on a balloon to propose to my girlfriend.

Then I chickened out at the last moment, and had to pop the question.

A young lady came home from a date, rather sad. She told her mother, "Jeff proposed to me an hour ago."

"Then why are you so sad?" her mother asked.

"Because he also told me he was an atheist. Mom, he doesn't even believe there's a hell."

Her mother replied, "Marry him anyway. Between the two of us, we'll show him how wrong he is."

I recently proposed to my mute girlfriend

She was speechless.

I propose we divide the music of 2010s into two distinct eras, centered around the release of "White Iverson" in 2015.

We could call it Pre- and Post Malone

How do electrical engineers propose their partners?

j love you.

My friend decided to use balloons to propose to his online girlfriend, but then he met her face to face for the first time.

He immediately popped the question.

What do you call a machine used to predict the answer of a mathematical question before it has been proposed?

A calcuearlier

Want to propose but don't quite know how to make it special?

Give that someone special a ring they'll never lose: Tinnitus.

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office

A old man gets called to Income Tax Office.
He goes there with his lawyer.
Income Tax Officer (ITO) : You are so old, and live such a lavish life. We doubt your sources of income and hence have been called here

Old Man: I gamble
ITO: I think you are lying, prove it.

Old Man: ...

A man proposes.

A man goes down on his knees and proposes to her:

*Marry Me... and Make me the Happiest Man in the World*

Looking bewildered she replied:

**You want Both !!!??**

One night, after a romantic meal, I was walking home with my girlfriend, and I decided it would be the right time to propose to her.

So I turned to her, looked her in the eye and got down on one knee. But, as I was grabbing the ring, the old local drunk named Joseph came by. He'd injured his eye and was wearing a cotton patch to cover it. No one knew where he'd once lived and he never told. But, he stumbled over, grabbed my girlf...

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A guy walks into a bar and tells the bartender he's short on cash. He proposes that he plays the piano in exchange for some drinks.

The bartender agrees and the guy walks over to the piano and starts playing. The bartender and patrons are amazed at the beautiful sounds that are produced from this old piano. He plays several songs in a row. After about 20 minutes he walks up to the bartender and asks if that was worthy of a drink...

I can’t believe it’s been more than 100 years since Einstein proposed The Theory of Relativity.

Feels like only yesterday.

How does an octopus propose?

"I'd like to ask for your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand."

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

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Arizona bill proposes charging porn consumers $20 to fund Trump's border wall. [OC]

In other words: If you cum, they will build it.

(Resubmitting due to rule violation the first time)

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A lawyer is hunting ducks in the woods.

Much to his dismay, after hours and hours he hasn't spotted a single one. Finally, he spots a duck past the treeline, and gets ready to shoot. The duck is sitting on a fence post, nice and open; an easy shot. The lawyer takes aim and fires - it's a perfect shot, and the duck falls over onto the othe...

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She had to go to the bathroom when I proposed her.

It was a real shitty thing to do.

My Girl Proposed to me

She proposed the idea that it’s better for us not to see each other anymore...

A hunting joke ( read full it's totally worth it)

A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural North Alberta. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a fence.  As the lawyer climbed over the fence, an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing. The litigator responded, "I shot a...

I was just proposed to with a Magnesium Oxide crystal.

... OMgOMgOMgOMgOMgOMg...

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The year is 1944. The Americans are advancing fast. Adolf Hitler is furious and starts to listen to defensive tactics proposed by his commanders...

The first commander suggests they pull out the tanks from the Eastern front and deploy them in the Western front, so that the defenses there would be hard to go past.

"Are you crazy? That's a horrible idea!" Hitler exclaimed.

The second commander steps in and suggests a horrible idea f...

What did the stoner say when he proposed to his girlfriend?

Marriageyouwanna?

So a guy is about to propose to his girlfriend and has already spoken to his father-in-law-to be.

The only problem is that his girlfriend's gorgeous little sister is always flirting with him and he finds it hard to ignore.

One night he gets a text from the younger sister telling him to stop over at her place for a talk. When he arrives, she invites him in and confesses that she is despera...

I proposed to the girl I've been seeing for a while. She was freaking out and apparently she wanted to make things official.

I'm now signing some papers with the police.

Reddit should rename 'share' to 'spreddit', 'delete' to 'shreddit' and 'karma' to 'creddit'. Yet they haven't.

I don’t geddit.

Eddits:

Courtesy to The_maxi : I propose to add a function to remove awards and name it “regreddit“

Ernie's roommate asks him if he wants to go out for ice cream. Ernie refuses and proposes an alternative, but his roommate does not understand the response:

Sherbert!

What did Ryu say when Ken proposed?

I-DO-KEN

Bob in trouble

Bob’s wife and Bob started dieting a week ago.

His wife proposed that they should have a cheat day today.

She brought home McDonald’s, Burger King and Bob brought home his secretary.

From his hospital bed, Bob is wondering when men will ever begin to understand women.

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