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Process Jokes

Hiring Process

HR staff: " Sir, we found 3 candidates that meet our general requirements, now how do you want their placements sir?"

HR Director : "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room & close the door, leave them alone & come back after a few hours and analy...

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

Divorce is a psychological process

One is psycho, the other is logical

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A woman sees a funeral procession

The hearse is driving slowly, followed by a dog, and then behind the dog is a woman dressed in black, and then line of several dozen women.

The woman watches silently as the procession goes on and on. Finally she asks the last woman in line, "Who is it that passed?"

"Well," the woman ...

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

What currency do processes use to bribe the processor?

They use cache

I just learned this morning of the whale oil harvesting process…

In the 1800s when sailors were hunting whales for oils, it would take days while one is harpooned to get it into the boat while it passes and fights and the oils would even seep out making it very slippery and challenging to get into the boat so they had to use these beef hooks like butcher beef hoo...

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The funeral procession.

I used to go fishing with a feller. Wesley, his name was. Miserable bastard, but he loved to fish. He and I would go out all the time. But one day, we were river fishing... when we see a funeral procession going over a bridge and, out of the blue, Wesley stands up, takes off his hat, bows his head. ...

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Two Monkeys were in the process of getting into a bath, and one said to the other "ooo aa oo eee ooo ee oo"

And the other one said "put some fucking cold in then!"

With all the increases in computer processing and storage...

You would think Microsoft would have released ExExcel by now.

"How to break up with your girlfriend" A two-step process:

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

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The Aging Process

The aging Process

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
...

A healing priest is in the process of a miracle

Priest: Stand up!

(The man slowly stands up)

Priest: Now walk my child walk!!!

(The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked)

The priest then gave the microphone to the man.

Priest: Now what can you say upon this miracle of God!!??

Man: I still c...

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Funeral procession

A man is jogging in the park one day and witnesses the strangest funeral procession he had ever seen. There was another man walking immediately behind a hearse and in front of it was a second hearse. Behind the man was a line of about 50 men walking single file. Curious, the jogger walked up to the ...

A forest was in the process of being cut down

The forest animals were concerned that their habitat was being destroyed so they consulted the oldest wisest tree in the forest on what they could do to save the forest.

The wise tree thought about it and said
perhaps the bears can scare the loggers away. The bears snarled and charged the...

Marriage is the process of ...

finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

As part of the break up process,I decided to burn all my ex wife's clothes.

It gave me great satisfaction.....

She was wearing them at the time.

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

"I'll close all other applications and only keep my internet browser up to save processing power,"

Said the Google Chrome user.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

Hey girl, are you an obelisk?

Because I'm trying to find out what an obelisk is through process of elimination.

Why is the SBA so slow at processing EIDL loans?

You try working in the dark and see how much you get accomplished.

r/Jokes is a great place to learn English

Not just because of the vocabulary and fun, but also because reading the same thing over and over again is crucial in the learning process.

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"The only time I relax is when I'm processing all the horrible shit everybody pressures me into dealing with," I told my therapist.

"AITA?"

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

A Natural Process

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

...

Ikea failed miserably at processed meat products business

Someone ordered meatballs and Ikea sends them a cow with DIY instructions

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession comes by.

One of the men removes his hat and holds it to his chest respectfully until the procession passes. The second man tells the first, "That was really decent of you, interrupting your game to honor the dead like that.

"It's the least I could do," he replied, "We were married for 40 years."

Arthur was having a walk and he saw a procession.

First, he saw two coffins. After that, he saw a man holding a *rotweiller* dog, followed by a really long line, only with men.

When the procession stopped, Arthur went to that man and asked:

\- What happened? Who died?

\- Well, it was my wife! My dog killed her!

\- Seriou...

What do you call the process of becoming an honorary Asian?

Orientation.

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A man is processed for his first day in prison...

He's a nice man that made poor choices. Upon entering his cell, he's greeted by a massive, beast of a man with face tattoos and scars.

The beast-man looks his new cell mate up and down and finally says, "Let's play house. Do you want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"

The new inmate adjus...

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A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by

A man is walking along when he sees a funeral procession going by, the longest procession he's ever seen. It seems to consist of the hearse, followed by a man with a Doberman on a leash, followed by several hundred other men. After watching for a few minutes, he can restrain his curiosity no longe...

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What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

What did bugs bunny save his word processing as?

Whats up.doc

My friend’s house stinks because he lives downwind from a milk processing firm.

Everything smells like dairy air.

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I’m so thankful to McDonald’s for this opportunity.

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

Scientists have developed a new, more efficient process for smelting aluminum.

They were thinking outside the bauxite.

Two men are playing golf. One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in respect.

His golfing buddy says "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very compassionate and kind man."

The man, recovering himself, replies, "Yeah, well we were married 25 years."

Vladimir Putin suffers a heart attack amidst the Ukraine crisis, and falls into a coma...

... A few years later, he wakes up, gets back on his feet and walks out of his room, right past the sleeping guard.

He walks out of the hospital onto the streets of Moscow, and finds that most people don't recognize him. Several years of vegetative coma seem to have taken its toll on his appe...

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

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A man worked at a pickle processing plant and came home one day...

A man worked at a pickle processing plant and came home one day and told his wife, "I have this really strong urge to put my penis in the pickle slicer."

His wife was aghast and told him, "Honey, that would be horrible, just resist the temptation."

This goes on for some time, with the ...

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A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

A funeral procession pulled into a cemetery

Several carloads of family members followed a black truck towing a boat with a coffin in it.

A passer-by remarked, "That guy must have been a very avid fisherman."

“Oh, he still is", remarked one of the mourners.

“As a matter of fact, he's headed off to the lake as soon as we b...

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A WW2 joke I heard recently

So, it’s 1941 and a young German boy is listening to the radio. On the radio Hitler announces that Germany is declaring war on the United States.

The boy asks, “Father, where is the United States?”

“Here, let me show you,” His father responds and points at a map of North America.
...

People who process expired passports are so lazy

they’re always cutting corners.

(Joel Dommett)

What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?

Binomial gnomenlature

What is the science or process of classifying living things?

Tax Bracketing.

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.

An Inspector goes to a Processing Plant

So an inspector goes to a processing plant. He walks up to the manager and says: ‘I hear you keep your animals in horrible conditions. I’m here to write a report.’

The manager gives a cold smile and says: ‘Where would you like to start?’

‘Let’s start with your pigs,’ says the insp...

In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase “Father, I have sinned.” will be replaced with “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.”

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A Republican and a Democrat end up as neighbors

Every single day they have fights for their political beliefs in which they spiral out of control. As the years goes by they hate each other more and more.

One day the Republican(John) has a terrible car accident right in front of the Democrats(Mike) house.

Mike!! he yells. Come qui...

Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a funeral procession go by.

He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."

1st guy replies, "W...

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Guy has a tapeworm in his intestine and tries many doctors but everybody fails to remove.Finally he tries an alternative doctor whom everybody recommended heavily and visits him.

The doctor says: Come back tomorrow with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The patient is confused but does as he’s told.

The next day he shows up with two bananas and a Snickers bar. The doctor proceeds to insert both bananas and the Snickers bar up the man’s ass.

The doctor then says ...

What do you call it when the floor staff at a chicken processing facility take over the business without the owner's permission?

A coup de coop.

What do you call the process of removing communism from seawater?

Destalination.

The thought process of a wounded animal and a second grader on picture day is pretty similar,

Show your teeth and maybe they’ll go away

If you can't become a citizen of Scandinavia through the naturalization process, what could you do?

You use artificial Sweden-er!

A man trying to emigrate to Scandinavia found the process too daunting to complete.

He was never Finnished.

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

A Vampire died and was in the process of being reincarnated...

They asked him, "What would you like to have in your next lifetime?"

"Drinking blood is good but I don't like hunting, ideally I'd like to have a easy supply of fresh blood."
"Alright."

"I also like turning into a bat and flying, so let me retain wings.", he said.
"Noted."
...

How do you process a queue of table delete requests for an asynchronous database?

Pop, Lock & Drop It

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

While we still don't know the motivations or the thought process behind the Boston Bombings

I think it's safe to say that the perpetrators are racists.

What do you call the process of a robot clearing its artificial nose?

An olfactory reset.

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

Three engineers were discussing who created the human body.

The mechanical engineer said “Clearly it was a mechanical engineer. Look at all the joints, levers and moving parts.”

“No” said the electrical engineer, “Look at the wired central nervous system and brain to process everything.”

The civil engineer said “You are both wrong. It was a civ...

I decided not to invest in that seafood processing plant...

...something smelled fishy.

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What was the name of the process that supporters of Johnny Appleseed went through to rename West Virginia after him?

The Appalachian Apple Nation Appellation.

My dad sprained his wrist and had to go to the hospital. During the discharge process he spoke with the doctor....

Dad: ”Doctor, when will I be able to play the piano?”

Doctor: ”You'll be able to play in about 2-3 weeks.”

Dad: "Great, thanks! I've always to know how to play an instrument!"

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A wife was in bed, naked with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”

The husband lurched into the bed, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw six feet sticking out at the end of the bed.

He turned to his wife: “Hey, there are six feet in this bed. There should only be four. What’s going on?”

“You’re so drunk you miscounted,” said the wi...

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I'm Still A Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had divorced eight husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle with me, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be, you have been married eight times?"

"Well, husband #1 was a Politician, he kep...

Kim jong il takes Kim jong un on a visit to a food processing company.

Il points at a machine and says: “This one, you put a pig into it and sausages will come out on the other side. The power of science is amazing!” To which Un replied: “ Is there a device then, where you put in a sausage, and pig comes out?”
•

Kim jong il: YOURMOM

I was in the process of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam.

I was in the proccess of making a cucumber salad for an important culinary exam. I went and grabbed the last cucumber from the refrigerator, but on my way back I tripped. The cucumber fell into some brine, and by the time I'd fished it out it was to late. Now I've got a real pickle in my hands.

Playing golf, when a funeral procession goes by

A couple of guys are out playing golf one fine day. One guy is about to take a swing, when a funeral procession turns onto the street next to the golf course. The guy stops in the middle of his swing, takes off his hat, and bows his head until the procession is out of sight.
"Wow!" says the seco...

A shepherd is tending his flock in a remote pasture…

…when suddenly a shiny red BMW appears. The driver is a young man in an Armani suit, Ferragamo shoes and Polarized sunglasses.

He sticks his head out the window and asks the shepherd, "Hey! If I can tell you how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd l...

A man walks into a bar and notices a jar filled with $10 bills. He asks the bartender what it's for, and the bartender explains,

"We have a challenge here. If you can complete three tasks, you get all the money in the jar."
Intrigued, the man asks what the tasks are.
The bartender says, "First, you have to drink an entire gallon of hot sauce without crying. Second, there's a pit bull out back with a bad tooth, and you h...

A young couple dies on their way to their wedding....

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple were involved in a fatal car accident. The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven.
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St...

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

What do you call the electronic process of making a sandwich?

A sub routine.

A panda walks into a bar.

The bartender asks, "Would you like anything to drink?"

The panda replies, "No thanks, I'm only here to eat."

"So what would you like to eat?"

"I'll just take the fries."

The bartender serves the panda, who enjoys the meal. He asks, "Now, will your payment be cash or card...

Two old men playing golf

Two old men are out on the golf course one morning playing their usual round of golf when a funeral procession comes down the street next to the green on which they are putting. One of the old men notices the procession and immediately stops in the middle of his putt. He calmly steps away from his b...

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

Many years ago I went to my High School prom

It was a very involved process.

Leading up to the prom I had to stand in line to get fitted for my tuxedo.

I had to stand in line to reserve the limo for my date.

Then I had to stand in line again to pick my tux up once it was ready.

The day of the prom finally arrived, b...

I tried buying tickets to a rap concert to see if the bank had processed the loan I requested on my account

They did not Post Malone.

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Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

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A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

I just finished writing my book on penguins. It was very difficult and tiresome, but I managed to finish it.

I probably should have taken some advice from friends and family which would have made this process much easier and write it on paper.

What do we call the process which usually happens after a company deliberately sells a misleading product to its customers?

DLC.

One Last Humiliation: The CIA Just Bungled An Attempt To Drop A Piano On Fidel Castro’s Funeral Procession

Luckily, It only cost them a grand.

A man has his mother-in-law move in with him when she lost her job.

About a week later, he returns home from his job and finds her laying on the floor, unconscious. He calls 911, the ambulance comes and takes her off to the hospital.

He calls his wife and tells her she may have to cut her business trip short, but he'll keep her posted.

He gets to the ...

A new pastor was visiting in the homes of his parishioners.

At one house it seemed obvious that someone was at home, but no answer came to his repeated knocks at the door.

He took out a business card, wrote 'Revelation 3:20' on the back of it and stuck it in the door.

When the offering was processed the following Sunday, he found that his card ...

A man was away on a business trip, and decided to call his wife and to let her know he had arrived safely

A little girl picks up the phone. "Hello?"

"Hi, Honey. This is Daddy, is mommy near the phone?" Daddy asks

"No, Daddy. She's upstairs in the bedroom with uncle Paul."

After a brief pause, Daddy says "But, honey, you haven't got an uncle Paul."

"Oh, yes I do, and he's upst...

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Most important body part..

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who is in charge.

Brain said "I should be incharge because I run all the body's systems. So without me, nothing would happen"

Blood said "I should be incharge because I circulate oxygen all over the body. Without me y...

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A woman walks into a bank to deposit $100,000 in cash

The bank manager decides to handle this himself, as it’s such a large deposit. As he is processing her request, he asks, “Do you mind if I ask what it is you do for a living?”.

She says, “I make bets with people…For example, I bet you $50,000 that your testicles are cube shaped, like dice”....

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