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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address.

He thought he should open it to see what it was about.

The letter read: “Dear God, I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was a...

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A funeral procession, making its way alongside a river, fell in. With a great splash, the vehicle carrying the coffin disappeared, then reemerged.

You know what they say: you can lead a hearse to water, but you can't make it sink.

A healing priest is in the process of a miracle

Priest: Stand up!

(The man slowly stands up)

Priest: Now walk my child walk!!!

(The man slowly started walking and the crowd was shocked)

The priest then gave the microphone to the man.

Priest: Now what can you say upon this miracle of God!!??

Man: I still c...

I wanted to say something informative and knowledgeable about the electoral process,

but then realized that 48% of the people that view it might not understand and then demand I repeat it.

Processing

Do you know what happened to the woman who constantly backed up at the meat processing plant?



Disaster!



(EDIT: Because I like this answer as well...)
She got a little behind in her work!

Bill’s had a tough week, so he decides to have a little fun

It was Friday evening, it had been payday and Bill had really had a tough week.

So on leaving the office, he decided that instead of going home, he would stay out for the entire weekend partying with his buddies and in the process blow his entire weeks salary.

When he finally arrived h...

Two guys out playing golf. One is about to take his shot when he sees a funeral procession go by.

He stops, takes his hat off and bows his head until the procession passes. He puts his hat back on and gets ready to take his shot when his partner stops him and says, "Hang on. I just gotta say I've never seen anyone do that on the links before, that was really touching."

1st guy replies, "W...

As I write this I'm trying to assemble bicycle wheels using quite a complex process.

Damn, I spoke too soon.

Some bozo tried to tell me processed meat was bad for me.

I said, "Pfft, that's baloney."

Do you ever wonder if your house is haunted? Follow this easy step by step process to find out for sure!

Step 1: it isn’t.

Capitalism vs communism tought process

Capitalism:

"Two heads are better than one"

Communism:

"One head is better than none"

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A large procession of cruise ships heads out to sea.

A massive storm suddenly appeared soon after the boats departed. A ship's hull began to display large cracks, and water flooded the interior. Most of the passengers made it to the deck in time, and climbed frantically aboard the lifeboats as another cruise ship started to capsize, its panicked passe...

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All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge...

‟I should be in charge,” said the brain , ‟Because I run all the body‘s systems, so without me nothing would happen.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the blood , ‟Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you‘d waste away.”


‟I should be in charge,” said the stomach,‟ Bec...

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A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors...

A guy lost his penis in an accident and there were no suitable donors, so the only available option to the surgeon was to attach a baby elephant's trunk. After the surgery and healing process, the guy is ready to start dating again. He's out on his 1st date since the accident and while at the dinn...

I have this friend who had cancer. In the process of cure and after he got released, he said his life was completely changed.

You know what they say about tumors. They really grow on you.

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

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After a long a tiring interview process that turned into a pissing contest....

I got the offer and the hiring manger said, “Urine!”

A packing plant received a load of lettuce to process. The workers grabbed the boxes quickly from the top and the bottoms fell out spilling the produce.

The boss yells, grab the boxes by the bottom, or heads are going to roll!

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How to give your cat a pill

1) Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat's mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.
<...

My friend’s house stinks because he lives downwind from a milk processing firm.

Everything smells like dairy air.

I just got a job processing transactions for a global multi-billion dollar company!

I’m so thankful to McDonald’s for this opportunity.

A duck gets in trouble for blowing bubbles in the pond.

A flock of ducks are in a pond.
One day, a particular duck, whom we’ll call Quack, found himself upset over seeing another duck blowing bubbles in the pond.
So upset, in fact, he decides to take the duck (whose name was Waddle) to court.

Once in court, the duck is is called to the duck...

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

Why is the SBA so slow at processing EIDL loans?

You try working in the dark and see how much you get accomplished.

On their way to get married, a young Catholic couple is involved in a fatal car accident.

The couple found themselves sitting outside the Pearly Gates waiting for St. Peter to process them into Heaven. While waiting, they began to wonder: Could they possibly get married in Heaven? When St. Peter showed up, they asked him. St. Peter said, "I don't know. This is the first time anyone has a...

After a grueling process, a tree walks into a bank and says with loud excitement "Excuse me...

I've been to a lot of branches, and this one sticks out the best to meet my needs!!!"

The branch manager looks stumped, and replies "I'll leaf you to deal with my trusted staff, but you'll have to watch how you bark around here."

The tree looked embarrassed...

"But, I'm sure we'...

To kill a French vampire, you have to drive a baguette through its heart.

The process is painstaking.

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A restaurant patron drops his spoon on the floor and asks the waiter for a new one.

The waiter immediately reaches into his apron and pulls out a new spoon and gives it to the customer.

The table finishes their meal and the waiter comes to drop the check. The man who had earlier dropped his spoon says to the waiter, "Hey, that was pretty impressive that you were able to giv...

A guy carrying a backpack gets stopped by the police on suspicion of terrorism..

The police officer asks him to let him check his backpack. The guy obliges. In his backpack, the officer finds some textbooks, a calculator, a compass and a ruler.

"Aha!", shouts the policeman, "as I suspected. You are under arrest!"

"But why?" the guy protests.

"You have been c...

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

Two men are playing golf when a funeral procession comes by.

One of the men removes his hat and holds it to his chest respectfully until the procession passes. The second man tells the first, "That was really decent of you, interrupting your game to honor the dead like that.

"It's the least I could do," he replied, "We were married for 40 years."

Two men are playing a round of golf.

The third tee is close to a road, and just as one of the players is about to tee off he sees a funeral cortège driving slowly by. He breaks his shot, lays down his club, takes off his cap and bows his head as the procession passes.

‘Wow’ says his friend, ‘That was very respectful.’

...

What do you call the process of naming the various species of dwarves, faeries, trolls, etc?

Binomial gnomenlature

A married couple rushes to the hospital...

because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother‘s pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process s...

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A man went to his urologist to get himself a brand new penis...

The receptionist at the check-in desk took his name and information, and in the process, realized that the same man had been to the clinic a number of months earlier, making the same request.

Sighing, the receptionist turned around and called out, "Hey, doc, we got ourselves a re-peter!"

The year is 1921. Eastern Poland, the new border with Russia is forming after WWI.

One of the officials coordinating this process stumbles upon an old house that is located just on the path of where the border would be set. Property, with an old shed and few acres of land, is habited by one old farmer.

"This is your lucky day, old man. You can choose whether you prefer to ...

My wife said to me yesterday, “If I die, I want you to promise me, in the funeral procession, you’ll let my mother ride in the first car with you.”

I said, “ok, but it will totally ruin my day…..”

TIL that fanta was created during WWII, when Coke Germany invented a way to efficiently process juice.

You should have seen Adolf's face when he realised he had misheard his receptionist.

Remember to NEVER taste-test liquid samples on the job!

Anyways, thank you for listening for my story on how I lost my job at the hydrochloric acid processing plant.

I have decided I wanted to be healthier so one of my new years resolutions is instead of snacking on processed and sugary foods I am just going to eat nuts instead.

The other is to come out to my parents.

Two friends are walking their dogs, a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua, when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, “Let’s get something to eat.”

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, “We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us.”

So the first guy says, “Just follow my lead.” He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

“Sorry,” says the owne...

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A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

So this city blonde goes to a barn

She asks the farmer: “Excuse me, why does that cow have no horns?”.

The farmer, being quite the expert on the matter, explained to her with great detail:

“Well m’am, there’s many reasons why some cows don’t have horns. Some breeds don’t have horns. For example: Angus cows don’t have ...

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On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter.

In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed. This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.

Arriving home around noon one day, she was surpri...

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Early one morning, you pull down your favourite cup, only to find a small dragon, curled up and sleeping contentedly inside.

Confused and still half asleep you take the cup outside to empty the dragon carefully onto the grass, then return to rinse your cup and make coffee. The next morning he is back, curled snuggly inside the cup as before and you repeat the process.

After a week of repeating this process you make...

What's the process of applying for a job at Hooters?

They just give you a bra and say "Here, fill this out."

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A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso, when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one...

Behind the second hearse, was a solitary Italian man, walking a dog on a leash.

Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking in single file.

The Jewish man couldn't stand the curiosity.

He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said, "I am...

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Best pals, Frank and Paul, are out for a day of golf. On the third hole, Paul accidentally putts the ball into a field of buttercups. Determined to get the ball back onto the green, he demolishes half of the flowers in the process. As he raises his club to take another swing...POOF! Mother Nature

appears. "What have you done?!! As punishment for destroying my precious buttercups, you shall have no butter for your toast ever again. No butter for baked potatoes either. Actually, no. You shall have no butter for anything...for the rest of your life!" And then, POOF! She was gone.

In tota...

A man and a Dog, and the extremely unusual funeral...

A man and his wife are walking down the town main street. They are arguing, as they always do, about the efficiency of wearing masks during the pandemic.

However, they have to stop because of a funeral procession that is actively going on. The procession was extremely unusual... Everyone is w...

What currency do processes use to bribe the processor?

They use cache

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Two friends are walking their dogs--a Dalmatian and a Chihuahua--when they smell something delicious coming from a nearby restaurant.

The guy with the Dalmatian says, "Let's get something to eat."

But the guy with the Chihuahua says, "We can’t go in there, we have dogs with us."

So the first guy says, "Just follow my lead." He puts on a pair of sunglasses and walks into the restaurant.

"Sorry," says the owner,...

Dad, does the moon provide light and heat to support all life on Earth through the process of Nuclear fusion?

No sun.

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A retired gentleman went to the social security office to apply for Social Security.

The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver’s license to verify his age.

He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home. He told the woman that he was very sorry but he seemed to have left his wallet at home. “I will have to go home and come back later.”
...

Explaining a Joke is like Dissecting a Frog

Everyone understands it better, but you killed it in the Process.

Since its my cake day

I used to work at a very large balery known for making some of the most exquisite and famous cakes.

These cakes required a very intricate and delicate process to make them and involved a lot of processes and a secret recipe.

However in all my 20 years, the head baker never told me the ...

Arthur was having a walk and he saw a procession.

First, he saw two coffins. After that, he saw a man holding a *rotweiller* dog, followed by a really long line, only with men.

When the procession stopped, Arthur went to that man and asked:

\- What happened? Who died?

\- Well, it was my wife! My dog killed her!

\- Seriou...

My cat needed to take some antibiotics recently, so I wrapped it up in ham

When it couldn't run away it made the whole process much easier.

Why did the optimist lose his job at the photographic processing lab?

He couldn't focus on the negatives.

How do you copy in Linux?

You press Ctrl and C at t-

\^C Process aborted with exit 0

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A guy sees a huge funeral procession in the center of town...

He sees a huge police escort, followed by 2 hearses, a man walking a German Shepherd and 100 people waking single file behind this parade...

The procession stops for a minute and he goes up to the man and asks? What the hell is going on???

The man quietly answers...

My wife is ...

I find washing my feet to be a very religious process.

It's truly sole cleansing

The thought process of a wounded animal and a second grader on picture day is pretty similar,

Show your teeth and maybe they’ll go away

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The tale of the little red man.

One upon a time there was a little red man who lived in a little red house , on a little red street , in a little red city.

One little red morning the little red man awoke from his little red slumber , left his little red bed and went to take a little red shower - meanwhile outside the little...

A funeral

A long funeral procession, a casket drawn by a horse and a long procession of women following. Another woman standing at the side of the road asks what must be the grieving widow "What happened?" "Well", said the widow", it's my man. His horse reared up, dropped him and stepped on him. My husband di...

'How to break up with your girlfriend: a two step process'

Step 1: take off your glasses

Step 2: say: 'I'm afraid I can't see you anymore!'

Scientists say they may be able to synthesize a completely clean biofuel using the enzymes in finely shredded fungi, such as mushrooms...

Some critics have questioned the ethics of the process, but admit they are comforted by the researchers’ strong Morel fibre.

An old woman visits a lawyer to draw up a will. He completes the process and charges her $100. She hands him a crisp, brand new $100 bill and as she turns to leave the lawyer notices another $100 bill stuck to it. His moral dilemma is causing him great discomfort because...

He can't decide if he should tell his partner.

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A shipwreck, only Scarlett Johansson and some random dude survived on an deserted island...

They didnt know each other before the shipwreck, but he did know who she was...

At the beginning it was hard, but as time passed, this guy learnt how to provide food and shelter, he started taking care of her, and eventually she started caring about him... after all, there wasnt anybody else ...

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A toothpaste factory had a problem

Due to the way the production line was set up, sometimes empty boxes were shipped without the tube inside. People with experience in designing production lines will tell you how difficult it is to have everything happen with timings so precise that every single unit coming off of it is perfect 100% ...

(Morbid) As a mortician, I try to be an honest salesman...

So a couple came in needing a casket for their dead baby. They had already browsed through our catalog as I walked up trying my best to be my most sensitive. They whispered to me through tears that they had picked out a beautiful casket for their dear beloved son. I had a conundrum to face. Afte...

My dad sprained his wrist and had to go to the hospital. During the discharge process he spoke with the doctor....

Dad: ”Doctor, when will I be able to play the piano?”

Doctor: ”You'll be able to play in about 2-3 weeks.”

Dad: "Great, thanks! I've always to know how to play an instrument!"

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The Aging Process

The aging Process

Two guys grow up together, but after college one moves to Maryland and the other to Texas. They agree to meet every ten years in Vero Beach Florida to play golf and catch up with each other.

At age 32 they meet, finish their round of golf and head for lunch.
...

Hiring Process

HR staff: " Sir, we found 3 candidates that meet our general requirements, now how do you want their placements sir?"

HR Director : "Put about 100 bricks in a closed room. Then send the candidates into the room & close the door, leave them alone & come back after a few hours and analy...

There’s an email going around offering processed pork, gelatine and salt in a can.

If you get this email, don’t open it. It’s spam.

My wife asked me "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change ?"

I said, "The process is the same. They just have tiny clothes"

Two men in the woods

Two old friends are walking through the woods, catching up after not seeing one another in a long time. After awhile they come upon a vast deep hole in the ground. Perplexed and inquisitive, they look for something to toss down. They find a rusted old anvil and shove it in. It disappears into the da...

A guy goes into a bar and orders a beer. Bartender says, "that'll be a dollar"

The guy thinks, "man, that's cheap," but the beer was delicious. So he finishes his beer and decides to take a chance. "Bartender, I'll have your finest wine" bartender goes through a long process of showing the bottle. Opening it. Aerating the wine. Pouring it into nice a nice glass and says. "That...

I saw a bunch of geese and ducks on the lawn in front of the Tyson processing plant. Initially I thought of how horrible it was that they were there flaunting their freedom to the condemned chickens, but then I thought no.....

it's just fowl behavior.

After searching ancient tombs for decades, a man finds a magic lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears.

The genie tells the man he will grant him either unlimited money or unlimited wisdom. The man thinks for a while, then selects unlimited wisdom.

The genie snaps his fingers and the man is amazed as his mind begins processing all which he didn't know before.

Suddenly, his expression t...

Two men are playing golf.

One of them is about to take a swing when a funeral procession appears on the road next to the course. He stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, closes his eyes, and bows his head in contemplation.  

His opponent comments: "That must be the most touching thing I’ve ever seen. You are a very feel...

Marriage is the process of ...

finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

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A young couple that tragically died in a car crash before they could get married meets up in heaven.

As they are walking one day silently discussing something, God happens to be walking by and overhears their whispers.

God: My children, why do I hear two young people in love quarreling, what could be the problem?

Guy: Well we were actually just on our way to you and we were arguing ab...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

A man creates the smartest AI and presents it to the UN, boasting it can solve any problem.

“Oh yeah?” Said the president of the United States. “Ok how do we solve poverty?”
“Calculating” said the AI, moments later printing out a sheet of paper for the UN to read.
Leaders from all over ...

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A politician ends up in hell.

So a politician ends up in hell.
The devil looks at him and say “mmm never had one of your types down here before. You’re the first one God sent down here. But based on your past record on earth, you definitely belong down here”

With in a matter of weeks the politician starts to weasel hi...

Elephants never forget...

There was a boy who grew up in India with his father, a diplomat. When he was almost nine, he used to run away from his tutor and go to walk through the forests. On one such occasion, he heard a strange noise and veered off the path to investigate. He saw a young elephant, lying on the ground, appar...

How do we call a process of introducing press to society?

Oppression

A man is sitting inside his apartment, when a cop comes knocking at the door.

The man opens the door for the cop, only to find the cop staring disapprovingly at him.

"Sir" the cop starts " there have been reports about drug usage in this apartment complex. May I come in?"

"I rather you didn't" said the man.

"Listen" said the cop "I could go through the lo...

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What’s a key activity in the comedic orgasm process?

Pun-ilingus

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Who's the boss of the body?

One day, certain parts of the body got into an argument over who was in charge. The eyes said "well, we're in charge because without us, the body wouldn't be able to interact with the world."

"Are you kidding??" Said the legs. "Without us, you eyes would have nothing to see except a ceiling. ...

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A man is playing in his cricket league's final, and is just about to bowl when he notices a funeral procession walking past.

He immediately stops, takes off his cap, and bows his head until they pass.

"That was real sportsmanship you showed there." the Umpire tells him at the end of the match.

"Well it was the least I could do," replies the man. "It was my wife's funeral."

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What was the name of the process that supporters of Johnny Appleseed went through to rename West Virginia after him?

The Appalachian Apple Nation Appellation.

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A man is processed for his first day in prison...

He's a nice man that made poor choices. Upon entering his cell, he's greeted by a massive, beast of a man with face tattoos and scars.

The beast-man looks his new cell mate up and down and finally says, "Let's play house. Do you want to be the Mommy or the Daddy?"

The new inmate adjus...

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A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband's keys in the door. "Stay where you are", she said. "He would be so drunk that he would hardly notice".

The husband lurched in the bed and within a few minutes, slept.

A few minutes later the woman, (unsatisfied), asked her lover to continue.

The man was too scared so the woman said, "He is so messed up I'll pull out one of his butt hairs and he won't move a bit". So she did and He did...

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A reporter is having lunch in a park in Manchester...

She sees a child playing, when all of a sudden a large angry dog bounces towards the child, picking the child up and shaking it..

All of a sudden a teenage lad runs towards them, wresting the child from certain death and in the process kills the Savage dog.

The Reporter sensing a gre...

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A struggling rock band...

A struggling indies band from Brooklyn, The Spoonerists, was in the process of recording their debut album. The artistic sentiment of the group led them to use ambient sounds from nature in their arrangements. One of the members of the band took it upon himself to go out in to the field and make rec...

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Jack is a cowboy working on a large ranch in a remote pasture in Wyoming.

One day as he’s overseeing the livestock on the ranch a brand-new 7 Series BMW suddenly advances towards him creating an enormous cloud of dust in the process

The car stops and the driver is a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray-Ban sunglasses and YSL tie. He steps out of the car and...

A man is out golfing with a few buddies...

From across the way, the group sees a funeral going on at the church. As the procession goes by, the man takes off his hat and pauses the play for a few moments to pay his respects.

Later in the day, one of his buddies mentions how nice and respectful the man was. The man responds,

"W...

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Beware of penalty strokes

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off, and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out...

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

Life is like a Rubik's cube

If you get one side of it all smooth and organized, you usually mess up all the other sides in the process.

I recently attended a funeral where the casket was driven to the cemetery on a practice run before the ceremony and procession.

It was a rehearsal.

The Germans and Americans were reaching a stalemate in WWI.

In World War I there was trench warfare, and neither the Americans nor the Germans could get the upper hand. They were reaching a stalemate. One day, an American came up with a plan that would win them the war. This private explained his plan to his trench mates, and they figured, "Why not? It's not...

In response to current controversies, the Catholic Church is changing the confessional process.

The phrase “Father, I have sinned.” will be replaced with “Daddy, I’ve been naughty.”

If you can't become a citizen of Scandinavia through the naturalization process, what could you do?

You use artificial Sweden-er!

A friend asked me why some people don't like juice. I tell him it's probably because they're thinking of that cheap, acidic variety that's been destroyed by the concentration process

Apparently this opinion can get you banned from the local kosher supermarket

An old man is traveling to a far off land, but is arrested in a city named Runnia along the way.

The townspeople of Runnia are convinced that he was the murderer of Barth F. Bradley, the local butcher. Though there is not much evidence of the claim, a witness claims he saw the old man leave Bradley's shop on the night of the murder. The townspeople, who were always suspicious of strangers, cons...

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If you're ever in Africa and come face to face with a lion, take one step sideways and then one step back. Repeating this process lets you move obliquely away from the lion...

...and prevents you from standing in your own shit.

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Two men bumped into each other on the street

The first man says "Hey man, its 2020, you gotta keep your fucking distance"

The second man replies "What are you gonna do about it, huh?

The two men get ready to fight. The first man takes out his hand sanitizer and sanitizes his hands. The second man does the same.

The first m...

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A bus full of nuns is driving through the Italian Alps...

When all of a sudden the driver misses a turn and the bus is launched of the edge of the cliff, rolls down the side of the mountain and explodes in a spectacular ball of flames.

A few moments later, St. Peter, who was expecting an easy day, found himself faced with 50 newly deceased and quite...

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