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Program Jokes

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m somebody else.

I've been thinking about starting a community outreach program to teach inmates about literature...

I'm still considering all of the prose and cons.

I signed up for a singles program looking for love.

It turns out it's a tennis program.

I've never played tennis before, and I'm a bit out of shape. Wish me luck, hope I score!

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, "If you can c...

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Programming is like sex:

one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.

What's the difference between Ocean and my Programming Code Repository?

They are putting some efforts for cleaning Garbage from the ocean.

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

My girl friend was complaining that I care more about programming than her.

I told her,

"Trust me baby, in the array of my interests you are [1]."

She was satisfied.

My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?

There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.

What do you call a mediocre social program?

So-So security

What do you call a motivational program in a family business?

Incestives

Why did Trump take documents about classified nuclear programs to Mar-a-Lago?

He was just Putin them somewhere safe.

Which photoshop program does austin powers use?

Ado...oh, behave. Yeah, baby!


gotcha :)

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

A lady went to the doctor because she had been struggling to lose weight.

She had tried all kinds of diets and pills and exercise programs with no success. The doctor said, "don't worry; I have a special remedy that is sure to work. Just eat a small piece of sesame cracker with unsweetened tea three times a day for three weeks. Then check in with me on your progress."
...

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

What does George Lucas look for when rating a university’s sports program?

He makes sure there are two D2 teams.

The most liberal and forward thinking program has been announced...

Breastfeed The Homeless

Where do Italians watch food programs?

On the tagliatelle!

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

Who are the most popular married couple with their own TV fishing program?

Rod and Annette.

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An old farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It so happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away. He decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!
He really had a good time as the equipment provided him with much pleasure. When the f...

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

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A fat man wants to lose weight...

A fat man is looking for a way to lose weight. He has already tried all kinds of slimming diets and fitness programs, but they didn't work for him. One day, he comes across an ad that says: "New revolutionary method - weight loss 100% guaranteed. Satisfied or your money back!"
He thinks: "Since ...

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

What do you drink when you program?

A cup of java.

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

Mother Superior is travelling

Mother Superior was traveling by bus with a young novice nun.

They had to change buses in anothyer city.

They had packed a lunch and found a bench in the bus station to spread their lunch on a cloth between them.

As they ate the young novice noticed a large scale in a corner t...

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Don't bother with that new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion, it's fucking garbage.

I turned it off after just five seasons.

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The mayor is worried about juvenile crime in the city, so he orders various groups to do something about it. Half a year later, they meet to discuss their results.

"We reached out to local schools and started youth programs to keep children busy and educate them on better behaviour. Our studies show that crime among participants fell by 15% compared to the control group."

"We increased police presence in affected areas to deter unlawful behaviour. Our o...

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

How do you program a computer to make beef stew?

You use bullion logic.

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

What’s the motto for the church’s spaceflight program?

The Power of Christ Propels You!

A German city is the first in the world to get rid of school lunches and replace them with a bug-based alternative..

A spokesperson for the school said that they’ve had to fight an onslaught of misinformation about the program like the ridiculous theory that world is controlled by lizard people.

number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.



Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined li...

What's the hottest and coolest news program?

The weather forecast

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

Have you ever heard of Roko's Basilisk? (contains a small amount of existential dread)

It's a thought experiment provided by a user named "Roko" on a philosophy forum-based website.

Suppose a machine is invented that can simulate the whole world from the past to the future, becoming practically omniscient. The scientists who made this obviously want this to help the world, so ...

I joined the neighborhood watch program last night...

There’s 7 of us, so I get to wear it 1 day a week.

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

So I took a programming elective in school

My final grade was C+

As a stats major I'm ashamed to say I've never done any programming

But I still excel in my field!

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

They said this new programming language was so easy even a mafia enforcer can learn it in a month.

I thought mafiosi was just a random example but then I saw the way it combines the operators "or" and "else".

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

What is cat's favorite federal program?

war on dawgs

I finally discovered why my program kept crashing: I had a pointer that walked off the end of a char array.

It entered uncharred territory.

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

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A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

Beaver joke

Today I watched a programme about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

A second Cash for clunkers program for electric cars would be called ...

Cash for Clunkers 2 Electric Boogaloo

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

Yo mama is so fat.

Her weight loss program was featured on: Top 10 failed megaprojects.

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

Journalist: What makes a program bad?

Programmer: No comments!

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

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New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.


"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

I turned in my programming assignment

Which came out to say "Hello world!". I received a C+. I walked up to my professor and said, "Actually, this is C++".

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

What is incels favorite computer program?

AutoCHAD.

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

Programming joke

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue

Unexpected Indent

In line 22

New company sponsored exercise program

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

Blind people aren't able to program.

They can't C.

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

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Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and...

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

I made a java program to tell me my purpose.

It keeps saying "Null point exception", so it works great.

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

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