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My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz.

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

What does George Lucas look for when rating a university’s sports program?

He makes sure there are two D2 teams.

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

Murphy's Laws of Computing.

1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.

2. When you get to the point when you really understand your computer, it's probably obselete.

3. The first place to look for information, is in the section of the manual where you least expect to find it....

The most liberal and forward thinking program has been announced...

Breastfeed The Homeless

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Who are the most popular married couple with their own TV fishing program?

Rod and Annette.

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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

Yo mama is so fat.

Her weight loss program was featured on: Top 10 failed megaprojects.

Where fat goes

Not a joke, but a report on the radio out of Orlando, FL some years ago as part of a program where kids wrote NASA engineers their questions.

Kid: When I lose weight, where does the fat go?

NASA Engineer: My girlfriend

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

I started a literacy program for inmates.

There's been some prose and cons.

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Don't bother with that new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion, it's fucking garbage.

I turned it off after just five seasons.

A very poor old woman with a small family called a radio station asking for help from God.

A non-believer man who was also listening to this radio program decided to make fun of the woman.
He got her address, called his secretary and ordered her to buy a large number of foodstuffs and take them to the woman.
However, he sent it with the following instruction:
“When the woman asks...

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

Been thinking about starting a program to rehabilitate felons through the power of writing

So I've been considering all the prose and cons.

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

What do you drink when you program?

A cup of java.

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

How do you program a computer to make beef stew?

You use bullion logic.

What’s the motto for the church’s spaceflight program?

The Power of Christ Propels You!

Pontius Pilate: “As a gesture of goodwill to mark the beginning of Passover, we will release one prisoner.”

Crowd:

PP: “It’s part of my new Pilate program.”

Crowd: BOOOOOOOOO

What's the hottest and coolest news program?

The weather forecast

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

They said this new programming language was so easy even a mafia enforcer can learn it in a month.

I thought mafiosi was just a random example but then I saw the way it combines the operators "or" and "else".

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

gangster humor

Did you hear about the really stupid gangster who gave testimony against a mob boss?
They had to put him in the witless protection program...

What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?

A battering R.A.M.

I got in trouble with the Super Soaker Mafia the other day

I had to be put in the Wetness Protection Program

So I took a programming elective in school

My final grade was C+

I joined the neighborhood watch program last night...

There’s 7 of us, so I get to wear it 1 day a week.

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

As a stats major I'm ashamed to say I've never done any programming

But I still excel in my field!

Did you hear about the computer nerd who was eaten alive by a giant snake?

Now he's programming in python.

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

To deal with the high price of petroleum, public transport systems are looking at alternative fuels, including grasses and herbs.

The program has had some failures, but on the bright side at least the trains run on thyme.

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A young cowboy goes off to college.

Halfway through the semester, he has foolishly squandered all his money.

He calls home.

“Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How...

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

What is the most commonly used computer programming language?

Profanity.

Netflix invites a famous r/jokes poster to their new stand-up show

As the r/jokes arrives at the show hall with the other comedians the director of the programs asks his new star "So r/jokes poster. What will your jokes be?"
to which the r/jokes poster responds:
"You'll see - Just let other comedians go first!"

Did you know that a paraplegic can't be in AA?

There's something about them having a "12 step program".

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

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Someone kept telling me I should go to an Alcoholics meeting

I said fine, I'll try it out.

We all sat down in a room. Catering was shit, the place was dry but luckily I brought my own stuff.

Everyone took turns complaining about their lives or bragging about how well they're doing.

Turned out to be a religious recruitment program so I got...

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The administration at my high school was very corrupt

Allowing disgusting school lunches, affairs between teachers and students, and faculty that would show up to school intoxicated.

But one time it went too far. My dad was the tennis coach at my high school, and he always struggled to get funding from the school for his program.

My mom w...

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

What is cat's favorite federal program?

war on dawgs

Lucky Number 5

I was walking down the street a few days ago I happened upon my good friend Tim. I waved him over and told him I had the craziest dream the other night.

Tim listened as I told him that the dream consisted of just one thing. A huge, bright, number -5-. It was made of gold and shined like the ...

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

I finally discovered why my program kept crashing: I had a pointer that walked off the end of a char array.

It entered uncharred territory.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

I was a delta force operator, former Devgru team leader, and part of an SAS exchange program

But my mom turned off my Xbox so I’m not any of those anymore

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A man is overweight

A man is overweight, so he looks on the internet for weight loss programs. He is scrolling through the internet, when he finds an ad: “We guarantee you will lose weight or your money back” It said. He clicks on it, and it purchases a 5-pound weight loss program. Two hours later, a beautiful woman sh...

Dear sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show.

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt". Kind regards Channel Four.

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

A second Cash for clunkers program for electric cars would be called ...

Cash for Clunkers 2 Electric Boogaloo

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

What do you call an older version of a python program?

SenPy.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

I've been programming too much

I can barely cout of my eyes

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

Oddly Specific Historical Humour

Below is the program for the November 7th, 1917 performance of the Bolshoi Ballet:



Dance

Dance

Revolution

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

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A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

I turned in my programming assignment

Which came out to say "Hello world!". I received a C+. I walked up to my professor and said, "Actually, this is C++".

My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.

I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

My last internship interview

Interviewer: I hope you have manners. We sacked the last guy for disrespect. He compared me to a bird

Me: Wow, I can never do that ma

Interviewer: Good. So you're here for the mentorship program?

Me: Yes ma, take me under your wing

Interviewer: Get out of my office

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

Why was the programming language afraid when it entered the arena?

It had enumerable foes.

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At the airport for a business trip, I settled down to wait for the boarding announcement at Gate 35.

Then I heard the voice on the public address system saying, "We apologize for the inconvenience, but Delta Flight 570 will board from Gate 41."
So my family picked up our luggage and carried it over to Gate 41. Not ten minutes later the public address voice told us that Flight 570 would in fact b...

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

Blind people aren't able to program.

They can't C.

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Programming is like sex.

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

Programming joke

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue

Unexpected Indent

In line 22

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The new priest decides to automatise his church

He hires a programmer to make as many systems as possible, passing most of the grunt work to computers. Donations can be done through PayPal, and credit cards are accepted for paying the tithe. Alexa buys the flowers and candles on schedule while also controlling the lights and the doors. Finally, t...

Help Wanted

There's a dog walking down the street and he sees a sign in a shop window that says:

"HELP WANTED"

"Must be able to type 60 words per minute."

"Must be computer literate."

"Must be bilingual."

"An equal opportunity employer."

So, the dog goes inside and asks...

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant traveling..."

"The animals are trained," says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55-foot motorhome equipped with a large nursery."

"How will you ed...

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

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Family Planning

In 1983, China launched an extensive 12 month program that was carefully designed to teach the fundamentals of birth control to the rural populace. Doctors and nurses were televised demonstrating the use of condoms and birth control pills.
The people were encouraged to faithfully practice thes...

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

How does the Russian space program keep things tied together?

With Cosmonauts!

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

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New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.


"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

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