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Program Jokes

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

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Programming is like sex:

one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

Just finished watching a fascinating program about beavers.

Best dam documentary I've ever seen.

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My strip club is starting a new job equity program.

We call it Diversititty.

I'm thinking of starting a reading program for inmates...

...but I'm still figuring out the prose and cons.

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

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A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

What was the pinnacle of the primate space program called?

Apex

There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m somebody else.

My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

What do you call a very brief introduction to a Microsoft program?

A 4 word forward for Word.

What does hemicolectomy surgery and a C Program have in common?

You know you've messed up, when there's an unexpected Semicolon.

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

What do you call a mediocre social program?

So-So security

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

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New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.


"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

What's the difference between Ocean and my Programming Code Repository?

They are putting some efforts for cleaning Garbage from the ocean.

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

What do you call a motivational program in a family business?

Incestives

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.

I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

The most liberal and forward thinking program has been announced...

Breastfeed The Homeless

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

What do you drink when you program?

A cup of java.

Once you stop doing functional programming...

You never return

Why did Trump take documents about classified nuclear programs to Mar-a-Lago?

He was just Putin them somewhere safe.

Programming joke

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue

Unexpected Indent

In line 22

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

What's the hottest and coolest news program?

The weather forecast

What is cat's favorite federal program?

war on dawgs

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Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

What does George Lucas look for when rating a university’s sports program?

He makes sure there are two D2 teams.

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

How do you program a computer to make beef stew?

You use bullion logic.

What’s the motto for the church’s spaceflight program?

The Power of Christ Propels You!

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

Who are the most popular married couple with their own TV fishing program?

Rod and Annette.

New company sponsored exercise program

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

What is incels favorite computer program?

AutoCHAD.

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

Guaranteed weight loss program.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

Blind people aren't able to program.

They can't C.

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

I turned in my programming assignment

Which came out to say "Hello world!". I received a C+. I walked up to my professor and said, "Actually, this is C++".

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

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Don't bother with that new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion, it's fucking garbage.

I turned it off after just five seasons.

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

What's Jesus's favorite exercise program?

CrossFit

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

What do you call a program that uses every possible combination to crack a password?

A battering R.A.M.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo Program

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What ar...

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

As a stats major I'm ashamed to say I've never done any programming

But I still excel in my field!

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

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What was Hitler's favorite programming language?

Not C.

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

I made a java program to tell me my purpose.

It keeps saying "Null point exception", so it works great.

My company has a 401k program.

I was gunna join, but I figured there's no way I can run that far.

Why the program die when it started running?

It got executed.

Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil?

Because that would be a sin-tax issue.

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

Why did Johnny fail his programming class?

His mom kept telling him to do his homework, "No ifs, ands, or buts!"

A second Cash for clunkers program for electric cars would be called ...

Cash for Clunkers 2 Electric Boogaloo

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

How does the Russian space program keep things tied together?

With Cosmonauts!

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?

Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

A programming genius named Sewter

Built a limerick-writing computer

The metre was fine

And the rhymes quite divine

But for some reason it always got the last line wrong

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I was traveling on a 10 hour flight and thought I'd have a quick chat to make time go by faster

So I turn towards the young person beside me.

Me: Hello, would you like to have a quick chat to make time go by quicker?

She: Sure. What do you want to talk about?

Me: So why don't we talk about Iran's Nuclear Program?

Then she goes "All right then" and puts down her cra...

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

How do you program global warming?

using an Al-Gore-ithm

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

Polish Space Program

The polish space program recently revealed to the UN that they were preparing to attempt the first manned space mission to the surface of the sun. When asked how they were going to accomplish this feat they answered, "We are going at night".

What’s the difference between NASA and Reddit?

NASA really wanted the Apollo program to succeed

Here's a short programming joke: !false

It's funny because it's **true**. I hope that makes you laugh a *bit*.

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What Windows program is the most used by the Jews?

The Snipping Tool

If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif

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Has anyone else heard of the Fecal Donation Program?

Or am I the only one who gives a shit?

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Israel has started it's own space program.

The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae... They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. 'Let's l...

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

A programming joke

There are three hard problems in computer concurrency. science. Cache invalidation, naming things, off-by-one errors, and

The two most difficult things in programming...

The two most difficult things in programming are memory management, naming things, and off by one errors.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

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