My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

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Ultimate Weight Loss Program

Weight Loss Program.
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..
<...

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

Did you hear about the new computer Operating System called "Than" that selectively terminates half of all running programs?

We really needed "ThanOS" and it probably did nothing wrong.

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

Did you know it’s a requirement for MIT doctorates program to know how to make Ecstasy?

They need it so they can get their MD in MA.

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

I applied for one of them online "get rich quick" programs once

they sent me a gun and a list of the closest banks.

I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Why did the imam start a weight loss program?

He wanted people to be “more slim”.

What's Jesus's favorite exercise program?

CrossFit

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

There was a heart association that wanted to come up with a name for their children's program

They sifted through many names through the years. They began with Hoops for Hearts, because kids like basketball, right? They took the idea to the bishop of the area (It was a Catholic program). The bishop wanted to change the name because he couldn't do that. They changed it to Jump ropes for Heart...

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Did you hear that the Soviets are updating their sex ed programs?

I hear that it is planned to be implemented by the nomenclitoris.

What do you call a 12 Step program for people who talk too much?

On and On Anon.

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

The University of Kansas football program just traded in all their company vehicles for new ones...

They wanted Les Miles

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

What program do Jedi use for viewing files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi...

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

My company has a 401k program.

I was gunna join, but I figured there's no way I can run that far.

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

You guys hear about the cow space program?

They want to travel a bovine beyond

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

Why doesn't England have a great space program?

Because all their rockets landed in Iraq.

I’m going to start a rehab program called the Hokey Pokey

Because you do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, and that’s what it’s all about

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

Every program I write is completely error-free

No exceptions!

What do Jedi do when a program stops responding?

They force close it.

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A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road...

The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.

Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the...

How do you program global warming?

using an Al-Gore-ithm

Something to consider if you have a program that keeps crashing.

Maybe it has a drunk Driver?

Have you heard about that new TV program about origami?

It’s paper view...

TIL: The Polish Space Program planned to be the first country to send a man to the sun.

When asked how they would prevent their astronauts from burning up, space program officials stated "We'll go at night."

Guaranteed weight loss program.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

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Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and...

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo Program

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What ar...

A man in a coma is like a non-responsive Windows program

You can either wait for it to respond or terminate it.

Prisons nationwide have integrated the Hokey-Pokey into their physical education program.

They think it will help the inmates turn their lives around.

I made a java program to tell me my purpose.

It keeps saying "Null point exception", so it works great.

I have a self-driving car, yesterday I added Microsoft word to its AI program.

Today it wrote it's autobiography.

Give a man a program, and frustrate him for a day.

Teach a man to program, and frustrate him for a lifetime.

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Has anyone else heard of the Fecal Donation Program?

Or am I the only one who gives a shit?

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What file controls the settings in a Nazi computer program?

Mein.conf

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.

What is The Pope's favorite workout program?

Cross-fit

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New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.


"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

What do Hutts use to program computers?

JabbaScript

I used to date computer programs but that's over now

My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

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Australia has a new space program!

It's called the Australian Research & Space Exploration, or ARSE for short.

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[Long] Anger management

Ok, this is really long but when you finished reading, you'll have a great Lige Protip.

When you occasionally have a really bad day, and you just need to take it out on someone, don't take it out on someone you know, take it out on someone you don't know.I was sitting at my desk when I remem...

I run a rehabilitation program where we get prison inmates to write poetry to help them cope with their emotions.

I call it:
Prose and Cons

What's a programmer's favorite drug?

Codeine.

A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.

After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.

Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jo...

A buddy of mine is working on a program to fit large birds with new clothes, but he only gives them to birds with black feathers.

I said "Wow, that's some ostracizing ostrich-sizing!"

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program?

If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.

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Did you hear about the Nazi bovine insemination program?

It was called Dachau Farm.

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Israel has started it's own space program.

The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae... They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. 'Let's l...

Donald Trump has just announced a massive jobs program involving tax credits for shredded cheese factories.

He says he wants to "make America grate again."

The Malaysian Space Program

One day, the Malaysians decided to launch their first space program and to send a man in a rocket out into space. Since they recognised that this was a dangerous journey, they decided to ask their final three candidates, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese man, how much of a bonus would they need to gi...

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

Did you hear the UN has started a program of forgiving the crimes of former soviets who have died?

Yeah, it's called the red dead redemption.

I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs

I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"

I'm in a 12 step program for musical theatre addicts.

I'm on step 5, 6, 7, and!

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#.

Did you hear that Google has tied every single one of their programs to their browser?

I guess you could say that *all codes lead to Chrome*.

What college tuition assistance system program did Simba put in place once he became the Lion King?

The MUFAFSA.

Life before the computer:

Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show.

A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider's home. A virus was the flu.

A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad wa...

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They had to shut down the T-Rex cloning program at the Oedipus Complex.

It was on the news this morning. Apparently, the entire staff was eaten by mother-fucking dinosaurs.

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A man signs up for an experimental weight loss program......

......and he is told that they expect him to five pounds on the first day, ten pounds on the second day, and twenty pounds on the third day.

Naturally, the man agrees. He is brought to a room with a bed and a beautiful woman wearing nothing but a t shirt that says "If you catch me, you can f...

What does a spanish programmer program in?

Si++

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