The 131+ Best Program Jokes

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because

ROBOTS CAN...

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

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Programming is like sex:

one mistake and you’re providing support for a lifetime.

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.

EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

I'm thinking of starting a reading program for inmates...

...but I'm still figuring out the prose and cons.

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An unpublished manuscript of Hemingway’s last novel has been discovered. It’s about a man in his seventies trying to learn programming.

The Old Man and the C.

I created a computer program to calculate how the speed of light appears to vary depending on the observer’s point of view.

It’s written in Subjective-c.

\[Maybe not the greatest, but this joke does enjoy the distinction of being the first joke I thought of in a dream that was still funny (or at least, still made sense) after I woke up. Even so, probably only huge nerds will get it. Thanks for coming to my T...

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A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

What was the pinnacle of the primate space program called?

Apex

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

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A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

What do you call a very brief introduction to a Microsoft program?

A 4 word forward for Word.

There’s a 12-step program for pun users.

But it dozen work.

I’m in the Jehovah’s Witness Protection Program.

I have to go door-to-door and tell people I’m somebody else.

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

What does hemicolectomy surgery and a C Program have in common?

You know you've messed up, when there's an unexpected Semicolon.

If the Simpsons entered a witness protection program, what would Homer's alias be?

John D'oh!

My computer program won’t run

Did I need to install legs or something?

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

What do you call a mediocre social program?

So-So security

What do you call a motivational program in a family business?

Incestives

What's the difference between Ocean and my Programming Code Repository?

They are putting some efforts for cleaning Garbage from the ocean.

My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.

I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.

I can’t be in the national organ donor program.

I just don’t have the guts.

Why did Trump take documents about classified nuclear programs to Mar-a-Lago?

He was just Putin them somewhere safe.

What do Hutts use to program computers?

Jabbascript

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

Which program do Jedi use to open PDF-files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

The most liberal and forward thinking program has been announced...

Breastfeed The Homeless

My new diet and exercise program requires me to not eat for 24 hrs and maintain an erection

It’s a hard and fast rule

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New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.

"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

What does George Lucas look for when rating a university’s sports program?

He makes sure there are two D2 teams.

What's a pirate's favourite programming language?

R

What's an optometrist's favourite programming language?

C#

What's IKEA's favourite programming language?

Assembly

What's a herpetologist's favourite programming language?

Python

After replacing their old C++ code with Google's new programming language, Tinder can now automatically detect its users' age

This is because it's a Carbon dating app.

Who are the most popular married couple with their own TV fishing program?

Rod and Annette.

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

Where do Italians watch food programs?

On the tagliatelle!

What do you drink when you program?

A cup of java.

They developed a computer program to write the musical version of "An Inconvenient Truth"

It's running a new Al Gore rhythm.

I once appeared in a theatre production about a very popular web programming language

JavaScript?

No, it was entirely improvised.

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Don't bother with that new program on netflix about subliminal persuasion, it's fucking garbage.

I turned it off after just five seasons.

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

How do you program a computer to make beef stew?

You use bullion logic.

Just joined Weight Watchers online program

They asked me to accept cookies as a test. I did and never I receive it. I guess that's part of the program...

What’s the motto for the church’s spaceflight program?

The Power of Christ Propels You!

I wrote a computer program to draw pictures of flowers

But now it's just drawing the same flower over and over and over and over...

It must be a lupin.

What's the hottest and coolest news program?

The weather forecast

So when I was a kid, I was in the Duke TIP program for gifted children. Later on, I applied to Duke University, but was unfortunately denied...

A friend asked me if I made it into Duke, and I said "Just the TIP."

The Russians just canceled their undercover Penguin program

they found out we have NAVY Seals

What language was used to program Marvin the Paranoid Android (from Hitchhiker's Guide...)?

Morose Code.

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

An intern recently started working for an IT programming firm.

Everyday he went into work he was always harassed by his peers, they kept saying he was never being true always being false.
#
So I had to step in, I couldn’t let them
keep Boolean him.

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

Did you hear about China's new space program?

I hear it's going to be a Long March.

Once you stop doing functional programming...

You never return

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

What is cat's favorite federal program?

war on dawgs

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

As a stats major I'm ashamed to say I've never done any programming

But I still excel in my field!

I finally discovered why my program kept crashing: I had a pointer that walked off the end of a char array.

It entered uncharred territory.

They said this new programming language was so easy even a mafia enforcer can learn it in a month.

I thought mafiosi was just a random example but then I saw the way it combines the operators "or" and "else".

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

Wrote a free file compression program.

I made zip.

What's a Pirate's favorite programming language?

Python.

It's really readable and flexible, and has great scientific packages, so most people are pretty fond of it.

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

A second Cash for clunkers program for electric cars would be called ...

Cash for Clunkers 2 Electric Boogaloo

TIL Reddit has one of the most effective carbon offset programs of any website

Which is unsurprising considering /r/jokes consistently achieves a 100% recycle rate.

The Pentagon just released a program releasing all the favorite music of the Vice Presidents ever.

They call it the Al Gore Rhythm

Journalist: What makes a program bad?

Programmer: No comments!

Got a B in my computer programming class

Call that a C++

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

If we really do live in a simulation, I think I know how they programmed global warming.

They most likely used an "Al-Gore-Ithm"

What is incels favorite computer program?

AutoCHAD.

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

Why are blind people bad at programming?

Because they can't C

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

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Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and...

I made a java program to tell me my purpose.

It keeps saying "Null point exception", so it works great.

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

At a programming job interview, I was surprised to see the interviewing manager was a snake...

Nevertheless, I decided to roll with it, presenting myself as any other interviewee would. However, at the end, I couldn't help but ask:

"So, how did a snake end up working here?"

The snake smirked and replied "Ith really quith thimple. I goth my thart in the IT department and worked m...

How does the Russian space program keep things tied together?

With Cosmonauts!

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

Kung Fu Panda finally agreed to an exercise-driven weight loss program

So he took up running. But he quickly found out that his jogging shirt irritated his nipples, which sometimes happens due to abrasion. The exercise guide suggested using bandaids as a cushion, but he couldn't find any of those, but he discovered a great substitute:

Post-its.

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

I turned in my programming assignment

Which came out to say "Hello world!". I received a C+. I walked up to my professor and said, "Actually, this is C++".

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

What programming languages would we use if C didn't exist?

Ans: PASAL, OBOL and BASI

Programming joke

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue

Unexpected Indent

In line 22

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

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What Windows program is the most used by the Jews?

The Snipping Tool

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

Why was the programming language afraid when it entered the arena?

It had enumerable foes.

Give a man a program, and frustrate him for a day.

Teach a man to program, and frustrate him for a lifetime.

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

Why the program die when it started running?

It got executed.

Guaranteed weight loss program.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

2 interviewers are interviewing a candidate for a programming job.

Interviewer 1: Well are you ready for some DP now?

Candidate: Stands up and begins to pull down pants.

Interviewer 2: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Candidate: You asked if I was ready for Double Penetration.(DP)

Both Interviewers: We meant Dynamic Programming!!!

NASA was preparing for the Apollo Program

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What ar...

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."

The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

Why don't programers pay tax to the Devil?

Because that would be a sin-tax issue.

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