In the 60s, the Russians and the Americans were competing for the best space program

They both were determined to prove they had the greatest minds, the greatest technology. In one example, the Americans spent almost a million USD just to invent a no-gravity pen. They put their best minds to work, and came up with putting a small CO2 pressure cartridge into the back of the ink tub...

My Norwegian friend sent me a program he created...

...call that Norse code.

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A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 5lbs weight loss program.

The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck..

She introduces hersel...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

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Out of a 100 CIA initiates, a woman and 2 men are the only ones still remaining after a tough initiation program.

The 3 still have to perform one ultimate test to be fully initiated into the CIA.

The first man is being called by the CIA chief.
"Sir" the chief says "It is time for your final test, a test to prove you will follow orders under any circumstances"
"Right here I have a loaded gun" he con...

Do you know why programers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

I created a fetish exercise program, but I don’t know how to end it.

We are still working out the kinks.

Why was the programming language afraid when it entered the arena?

It had enumerable foes.

A group of charity workers are sent to africa to see how their program is working.

They are walking down a street and see a crocodile with mans head in its mouth. When they get home and are asked about how their trip went one of them says "we can cut all funding, they got Lacoste sleeping bags"

Java is the most misogynistic programming language in existence

It thinks women are objects

New company sponsored exercise program

Now that we are all back at work from COVID, we have started a new exercise program. It includes such wonderful exercises as:
Running amok
Jumping to conclusions
Passing the buck
Point fingers
Climbing the walls
And my favorite exercise of all... diddly squats!

Don't anger a programming wizard.

They'll curse you, and every time you remove it, they'll just recurse.

There is a huge debate about letting NFL teams play against prison inmates as part of their rehabilitation program.

Understandable, it has a big list of pros and cons.

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Hey girl, are you an object-oriented programming language?

Because you've got class.

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Nazi Germany sponsored a program for less fortunate kids to travel to the Far East.

it was called "youth in Asia".

Trump decides he is going to reinvigorate the space program. He calls his advisors together and says, “the US will be the first nation to have astronauts land on the sun.”

His advisors go quiet. Someone says, “Mr President, nothing can come within a few million miles from the sun without getting burned up.”

Trump says, “I know that, but my vast knowledge of science has given me a solution.”

“We send them at night.”

I have read the vegan party's party-program

...... and I am sorry to say that there is not much meat on it

Ba dam tsssh

I've been programming too much

I can barely cout of my eyes

I turned in my programming assignment

Which came out to say "Hello world!". I received a C+. I walked up to my professor and said, "Actually, this is C++".

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The CIA is running a recruitment program for potential assassins...

The recruiter has selected three canidates, two men and a woman.
He hands a gun to the first man and says, "Okay, your wife is in that interrogation room. If you want in, then you have to kill her."
The man immediate refuses and is sent home.
The recruiter then hands the gun to the sec...

Did you hear about the herpes program for Linux?

It's open sores

Since MIT is giving free access to their courses online, I shall study Computer science web programming with Python and Java

as I thought it would be so cool to have a large snake round my neck as I drink coffee.

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A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it.

Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about her neck that reads, "If you can catch me, you can have me." As soon as he sees her, she takes off running. He tries to catch her, but is unable. This continues for a week, at t...

2 interviewers are interviewing a candidate for a programming job.

Interviewer 1: Well are you ready for some DP now?

Candidate: Stands up and begins to pull down pants.

Interviewer 2: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

Candidate: You asked if I was ready for Double Penetration.(DP)

Both Interviewers: We meant Dynamic Programming!!!

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

Karma works in strange ways.........

My friend invited me on the opening of a charitable organisation for cancer. I sat in the front row and listened to the impressive speeches and had Good Buffet meal at the break. When the rest of the program finished and the Donation Box was being passed around, I sheepishly pulled out an old worn o...

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A fat guy decides to lose some weight

He heard that a company is running a special weight-loss program. Curious, he decided to sign up for a session.


He is taken to a basketball court. Standing in the middle of the court is a naked woman with a sign around her neck.


"If you catch me, you can fuck me in the ass....

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

Putin calls the head of a Russian space program to his office:

*Putin* - We need to increase prestige of motherland! Send a man to the Sun!
*Head of space program* - Ummm, but Sun is a star mine president... it’s burning and they will burn to death there!
*Putin* - Do you think I’m an idiot?! Launch them at night!

A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk"

He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

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A man meets a woman at a bar and tells her he went to M.I.T

"I graduated in two years" he said as he ordered her a drink. "Now I have a good job."

She was very impressed, but slightly confused. "How did you graduate within two years? I thought most people need at least four?"

"Oh, I'm not that dumb" he said as the drinks arrived. She thought no...

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

My GPA dropped a bit today...

Apparently I got a C++ in programing class

Greatest weight loss program in history

EU will lose billions and billions of pounds when Britain leaves

A programer’s wife sends him to the market and says, “Take some sausages... And if there are any eggs, take 10”

Half an hour later the programer comes back home with 10 sausages. His wife asks him, “Why are you bringing 10 sausages?”
“They had eggs.”

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What was Hitler's favorite programming language?

Not C.

Kamala’s Hair is already more accomplished than Mike Pence.

It’s proven that straightening programs work

Blind people aren't able to program.

They can't C.

Where do you go to learn how to be a conductor?

A training program

I was blind, so my friend suggested me to learn programming.

Now I csharp.

Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

My kid’s school gave me a used bumper sticker

‘cause he got into the regifted program.

A husband and wife are doing a crossword puzzle.

Husband: Programs for mobile devices. 4 letters

Wife: Apps

Husband: Adolescent, 4 letters

Wife: Teen

Husband: Contraction meaning failed to perform, 5 letters

Wife: Didn't

Husband: Take a life, 4 letters

Wife: Kill

Husband: Religious songs, 5 l...

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

What do you call a summer program that aims to assist the Jewish community by helping their children overcome the difficulties of ADHD?

Seriously, because my first idea was a huge flop.

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

Programming joke

Roses are Red
Violets are Blue

Unexpected Indent

In line 22

What programming language do they use in Israel?

Jewva

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A young jackaroo from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. 'Dad,' he says, 'you won't believe what modern education is developing. They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk.'

'That's amazing!' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?'

'Just send him down here with $...

A professor gives an IT student, a law student and a medical student a phone book to memorize

The IT student creates a program that does it for him, the law student asks whether the assignment is legal and the medical student asks „When is it due?“

What do you call a missile programmed only to track and fire at Arabs?

A heat-Sheiking missile.

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

I am a member of an online community which appreciates & discusses the programming language C.

We call ourselves the 'C-Men'.

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

Still my funniest joke

A man is hosting a radio program and he wants to call a random person to ask for their favourite song in order to play it on the radio. So the random guy says " well I just want to say that I found a person's wallet on the street" and the host tells him " well do you want to share the owner's name s...

My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry

they're calling it "Prose and Cons"

Today I conquered my fear of public speaking and gave a rousing, powerful speech about how nobody likes a quitter.

...aaaand they kicked me out of the 12-step program.

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

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The Milking Machine

A farmer ordered a high-tech milking machine.

It happened that the equipment arrived when his wife was away, so he decided to test it on himself first. He inserted his penis into the equipment, turned the switch on and voila, everything else was automatic!!

He really had a good time be...

Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

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The spoon in a waiter's pocket catches the customer's attention

The customer asks "Why do you have a spoon in your pocket?" To which the waiter replies "It's part of a new program to save time the restaurant is doing. If I drop a soup spoon, I can quickly replace it with the spoon in my pocket, and then switch the dirty one out next time I'm in the kitchen." The...

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What Windows program is the most used by the Jews?

The Snipping Tool

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My teacher said people who study programming are better at "If-Then" logic

I've determined it's a bunch of booleshit.

99 programming bugs in the code

99 programming bugs in the code.

99 programming bugs.

Take one down, patch it all up.

111 programming bugs in the code.


EDIT: FRONT PAGE! HOLY COW! Thanks so much, reddit! Credit goes to my IT teacher.
EDIT 2: WE SURPASSED 1K UPVOTES!?!?! THANKS!

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

I applied for one of them online "get rich quick" programs once

they sent me a gun and a list of the closest banks.

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

I'm so good at programming I don't even need to test before I ship code.

Sent my program last week and haven't heard of any problems since!

Signed,
Richard
Junior Helicopter Auto-Pilot Software Developer

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

My girlfriend told me I care more about my programming job than about her.

I told her she is the #1 thing I care about.

I asked the librarian for level 5 programming books.

Instead he gave me some programming 101 book. I don't why.

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

Every program I write is completely error-free

No exceptions!

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A Kotaku throwback

Best Buy Customer Rep: "Good afternoon, welcome to Best Buy. What brings you in to see us today?"

Customer: "I'm pretty interested in one of those new 3D tv's but I thought I'd check it out before I buy. I'm a little concerned over the image quality."

Rep: "I understand your concern si...

Did you hear about the new computer Operating System called "Than" that selectively terminates half of all running programs?

We really needed "ThanOS" and it probably did nothing wrong.

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

If my wife thinks I'm obsessed with programming, she's crazy.

Endif

What is a furries favorite computer program?

Winrawr

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A guy and a girl are in the same programming class..

Out of nowhere, the guy reaches over and grabs the girl's breast.

Disturbed, the girl looks at the guy and says "What are you doing!? Those are private!"

He only states "How is that? We're in the same class."

Ellen has so much bad press about how entitled she is

That the network is renaming her program The Karen Show.

Did you know it’s a requirement for MIT doctorates program to know how to make Ecstasy?

They need it so they can get their MD in MA.

Here's a short programming joke: !false

It's funny because it's **true**. I hope that makes you laugh a *bit*.

Programming jokes are fun...

... but only when executed properly.

There should be a 12 step program for people who talk too much...

On-and-on anon

What's Jesus's favorite exercise program?

CrossFit

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

I have a 79.82% grade in my programming class

I have a C++

What kind of programming do trans robots have?

Non-Binary

I took a programming class in high school

I got a C++

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

I got my job at the secret government facility today.

The workplace is separated to three parts, part "C, X and V".


We were told the V section stored the most dangerous weapons on the planet, so we are not allowed to go near it.


I work at Section X, which is the robot studying section, a whole day of programming is hard, so I chat...

What program do Jedi masters use to open pdf files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

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Comeback school

One day a man offers to take his son to the circus, which is coming to town in a few weeks. The boy is so excited and feels like it takes forever for the big day to arrive. Finally, it’s time to go to the circus. They arrive early and get front row seats, sodas and peanuts.

First the juggl...

You guys hear about the cow space program?

They want to travel a bovine beyond

I watched so many programming tutorial videos in college

My inner monologue started developing an Indian accent

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Programming is like sex.

One mistake and you have to support it for the rest of your life.

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

Teacher: "How would you describe your level of programming?"

Students: "Low"

Teacher: "Ok, fine, you can write programs in assembler then"

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