Hey Girl! Are you a software program?

Because I want to execute you

What do you call a summer program that aims to assist the Jewish community by helping their children overcome the difficulties of ADHD?

Seriously, because my first idea was a huge flop.

Did you hear about the Mexican space program?

They’re sending chickens to the moon for the first time ever, they’re calling it A-pollo 11

I started a program at the local jail to teach creative writing to inmates.

It’s called Prose and Cons

A computer program required 8 bits of memory

A computer program required 8 bits of memory but the programmer mistakenly allocated space for a 64 bit integer instead

They then tried to rectify the issue by declaring a second 64 bit integer but this didn't have the desired effect

Two longs don't make a byte

What do you call a computer program that writes a blues song about climate change?

An Al-Gore-rhythm!

My local prison started a program where inmates get together once a week to read poetry

they're calling it "Prose and Cons"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What Windows program is the most used by the Jews?

The Snipping Tool

A man and his wife were watching a Christian healing program on the television when the host says to walk up to the set, put their one hand on the television and the other on the part of their body that needs healing.

The wife slowly hobbles up, places her right hand on the Television, and places her left hand on her arthritic shoulder. The man walks up as well, placing his left hand on the television and his right hand on his crotch. The wife then says, “you just don’t get it, do you?” The husband replies, “what...

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A new weight loss program

A man was ordered by his doctor to lose 75 lbs. due to very serious Health risks. As he wondered how in the heck he would ever do it, heran across an ad in the newspaper for a GUARANTEED WEIGHT LOSS PROGRAM. "Guaranteed. Yeah right!" he thought to himself.
But desperate, he calls them up and subs...

In Star Wars, what language is used to program droids?

JawaScript

Did you know that Al Gore founded an educational program that uses music to teach math?

It's called "Al Gore Rythms"

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A bear started a cleaning program after a season

He gathered all the animals and gave each of them a task.
But 1 animal was missimg, a rabbit.
The bear was searching for him for couple of hours without finding him.
But then he noticed some movement in nearby bush.
He said: "Rabbit is that you ?"
He responded with: "Yes"
Then bear...

I just disconnected my home alarm and left the neighborhood watch program.

I raised 2 Pakistani flags at each corner of the house and a black ISIS flag in the middle of the yard.
I have the FBI, NSA, MI6, MI5, RCMP, CSIS and a few other agencies watching the house 24/7.
I’ve never felt safer.

I applied for one of them online "get rich quick" programs once

they sent me a gun and a list of the closest banks.

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Weight loss program

Joe wanted to loose weight but he lacked the motivation to work out. One day he sees and ad in the paper, “3 step weight loss program, guaranteed to get you motivated to workout”

Joe thinks he has nothing to loose and calls the number. later that evening he hears the door bell, he opens the...

I made a program to generate puns, but I stored them in the wrong type of variable

No pun int. Ended

I’m currently in a recovering alcoholics program in North Carolina.

But to keep it short, I just tell people I’m in the NCAA.

"Dress for the job you want, not the job you have." --career advancement program at my job

Then they fired me for violating the dress code at the bank. Hypocrites. How am I ever going to become a sumo wrestler now?

Did you know it’s a requirement for MIT doctorates program to know how to make Ecstasy?

They need it so they can get their MD in MA.

I accidentally installed a program that keeps showing me a picture of a Chinese politician.

I think it's maoware.

Canada's starting a space program to send a spaceship to the moon

They're calling the spaceship Apollo-G.

Humans are being tested against the new AI program

The robot beats the human in every category. It comes to one of the last ones: hunting. The robot again beats the human. However, someone working there sets the animals free again and tells them to try get them again. The robot doesn't move whilst the human wins because




ROBOTS CAN...

After our radio station's accountant died in a parachuting accident, the program director told me to play some Tom Petty in rememberance after the obituary, as the accountant liked his music. However, when I did exactly that, he ended up putting my show off air. Dunno why.

Though maybe I shouldn't have played *Free Fallin'*...

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

What is a furries favorite computer program?

Winrawr

I just watched a program about beavers

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

Why did the imam start a weight loss program?

He wanted people to be “more slim”.

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Tumblr is using a special program just to remove any images of anal sex

It's a debugger

What's Jesus's favorite exercise program?

CrossFit

I coded a program to detect Al Gore’s speech by his cadences.

I used an algorithm.

What do you call a 12 Step program for people who talk too much?

On and On Anon.

There was a heart association that wanted to come up with a name for their children's program

They sifted through many names through the years. They began with Hoops for Hearts, because kids like basketball, right? They took the idea to the bishop of the area (It was a Catholic program). The bishop wanted to change the name because he couldn't do that. They changed it to Jump ropes for Heart...

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Did you hear that the Soviets are updating their sex ed programs?

I hear that it is planned to be implemented by the nomenclitoris.

Back in the DOS days, I wrote a single file program that was a hit.

baseball.bat

I had to shut down my human centipede program

I couldn’t make ends meet.

The University of Kansas football program just traded in all their company vehicles for new ones...

They wanted Les Miles

What do you call a Russian that enjoys programming?

Computin.

What program do Jedi use for viewing files?

Adobe Wan Kenobi...

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A Computer Programmer finds a frog by the side of the road...

The frog says, "I am actually a Princess! If you kiss me, I'll revert back to my human form and be forever grateful?", the programmer smiles and puts the frog back in his pocket.

Again, the frog says, "But I really am! I would even marry you if you kiss me and turn me back into a human!", the...

Have you tried the communist weight loss program?

Ive lost tons of weight on this five-year plan!

I heard about the One Laptop Per Child program and I have questions.

1) Where do I get the laptop?
2) Where do I turn in the child?

My company has a 401k program.

I was gunna join, but I figured there's no way I can run that far.

You guys hear about the cow space program?

They want to travel a bovine beyond

How do you know God didn't program the human digestive tract in C#?

It ends with a whole colon instead of a semicolon.

What language is most commonly used in programming?

Profanity.

Every program I write is completely error-free

No exceptions!

I’m going to start a rehab program called the Hokey Pokey

Because you do the Hokey Pokey and you turn yourself around, and that’s what it’s all about

Why doesn't England have a great space program?

Because all their rockets landed in Iraq.

What do Jedi do when a program stops responding?

They force close it.

Something to consider if you have a program that keeps crashing.

Maybe it has a drunk Driver?

Have you heard about that new TV program about origami?

It’s paper view...

How do you program global warming?

using an Al-Gore-ithm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Weight loss program

This fat man was disappointed in his body. We was watching TV and saw this weight loss program and decided to join. There was 2 programs, average and advanced, and decided to start average.

The next day, the doorbell rang. When he opened the door, there was a beautiful lady. She was nude, and...

TIL: The Polish Space Program planned to be the first country to send a man to the sun.

When asked how they would prevent their astronauts from burning up, space program officials stated "We'll go at night."

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Trump's policies are the same as his sex Ed program..

Just pull out.

NASA was preparing for the Apollo Program

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.
One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What ar...

I wrote a program that figures out if soup is made from scratch or from a cube

It returns a bouillon Boolean.

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So Satan asks God to let him back into Heaven...

God says "Satan, you've betrayed me before, but I am a just and forgiving god. You may get back into Heaven, if you can beat my only son in a programming contest."

Satan and Jesus meet to agree to the terms. The contest is a simple one. God will set a timer for six hours, and both Jesus and S...

Guaranteed weight loss program.

There is an overweight guy who is watching TV. A commercial comes on for a guaranteed weight loss of 10 pounds in a week. So the guy, thinking what the hell, signs up for it. Next morning an incredibly beautiful woman is standing at his door in nothing but a pair of running shoes and a sign about he...

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

Prisons nationwide have integrated the Hokey-Pokey into their physical education program.

They think it will help the inmates turn their lives around.

Give a man a program, and frustrate him for a day.

Teach a man to program, and frustrate him for a lifetime.

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Has anyone else heard of the Fecal Donation Program?

Or am I the only one who gives a shit?

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What file controls the settings in a Nazi computer program?

Mein.conf

I have a self-driving car, yesterday I added Microsoft word to its AI program.

Today it wrote it's autobiography.

Software development cycle.

1. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.

2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.

3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.

4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discov...

The Amish Space Program is at a stalemate

Jebediah and the boys just cannot figure out how to get the horses to go vertical.

I made a java program to tell me my purpose.

It keeps saying "Null point exception", so it works great.

How did the AI program respond to a joke?

101

Here in Michigan's Upper Peninsula we have a program for recovering Canadians.

It's called Eh Eh.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

New Weight Loss Program! [somewhat NSFW]

A very overweight and rich fellow saw an advertisement for a weight loss program. He calls the number. "Hello, would you like to lose some weight?" he hears from the other end of the phone.


"Yes!" the man replies.

"Excellent! I must warn you, our programs are very expensive, but th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology....

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology and explaining the phenomenon of "Mixed Emotions".
The husband turned to his wife and said, "Honey, that's a bunch of crap. I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time".
She said: "Out...

What is The Pope's favorite workout program?

Cross-fit

I used to date computer programs but that's over now

My girlfriend still worries that I may go back but I reply to her "they're just exes "

Lose 10lbs in a week.

A man trying to lose weight saw an add in the paper for a program to lose 10 lbs in a week. Wanting to lose weight he called and signed up. They told him his work out would start at 7 AM. So the first thing in the morning he heard a knock at his door. It was a gorgeous blonde wearing nothing but a b...

What do Hutts use to program computers?

JabbaScript

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Israel has started it's own space program.

The kosher rocket was launched with the brave astronauts onboard. With the groundbreaking tech, they flew extremely fast, passing planets, stars, occasionally some nebulae... They got so far in fact that they reached antimatter masses, but they kept flying. Then, they spotted an antiplanet. 'Let's l...

What's a programmer's favorite drug?

Codeine.

My favourite joke: Now Hiring

A dog sees a "Now hiring" poster outside of a computer store. The poster reads:

"Must be able to type. Must be able to program. And must be bilingual. We are an equal opportunity employer."



The dog takes the poster in his mouth, and walks in. The manager spots the dog, and deci...

What healthcare program is offered to the citizens of Pakistan?

OsamaCare... It's the bomb.

Why is everyone always telling me to invest in a retirement program?

If I have them rotated every 6000 miles like I'm supposed to I shouldn't have to re-tire in the first place.

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#.

A programmer is having trouble with a program.....

Stan has trying to make a program that can not only understand humour, but make original jokes.

After a year of neural network testing and months of creating the perfect algorithm, he runs the program for the first time.

Unfortunately all the program comes up with is stale, unfunny jo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the Nazi bovine insemination program?

It was called Dachau Farm.

The Malaysian Space Program

One day, the Malaysians decided to launch their first space program and to send a man in a rocket out into space. Since they recognised that this was a dangerous journey, they decided to ask their final three candidates, an Indian, a Malay and a Chinese man, how much of a bonus would they need to gi...

The wrong language

I tried to explain to a client why I couldn’t help him with a project that was written in a program code that I didn’t know.

“Let’s say you’re asking me to write something in a specific language. Now, I’m fluent in English and Spanish, but your project is in Chinese. Since I don’t understand ...

Wow, the CIA microwave camera program has really come a long way...

They've gone from photos of potato quality to quality photos of potatoes.

I'm surprised more people didn't know about the NSA spying programs

I mean most of our computers are labelled "Intel"

Did you hear the UN has started a program of forgiving the crimes of former soviets who have died?

Yeah, it's called the red dead redemption.

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