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A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

Programmers don't change light bulbs. Broken light bulbs are a hardware issue.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

I used to work as a programmer for autocorrect...

But they fried me for no raisin.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I hate C programmers

They just don't have a class...

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

a programmer and astronaut walk into a bar

Astronaut: we are just tiny dots in this vast universe. What we do is insignificant. Why should we even do anything ? What's the point ?

Programmer: I should stop making these simulations so real.

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

What's a programmer's favourite underwear ?

The string

What do you get when you cross a programmer, a physicist, and a cat?

A very good grasp on strings.

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Did you hear what the dyslexic man said when the police shot an unarmed programmer?

"They should have just compiled!!!"

If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN

that's double trouble.

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:


640 x 480.

A programmer walks into a bar,

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “I’ll have three beers please.”

Why did the programmer drown when he fell into the lake at the park?

There was a sign that said "No swimming".

My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...

I think it's because they're non-binary

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

The programmer detective

After weeks of hard work, the programmer detective had narrowed the criminal down to two suspects.

He just needed a bit more information.

What kind of spell does a programmer cast?

Hex.

How do you seduce a female programmer?

1: Be proficient in Python

2: Have a big python

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

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How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

I need to get a new friend

I’ve been trying to develop a website on my laptop but needed help as I only know basic coding. I asked my friend, a computer programmer, for advice and he told me to get Python

After about a week, the snake arrived. It then proceeded to wrap itself around the computer now it doesn’t work at ...

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What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

?
Bug's Bunny.

A programmer walked into a bar.

He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

The politician, 1913

He was a young man - a candidate for an agricultural constituency - and he was sketching in glowing color to the audience of rural voters the happy life the laborers would lead under an administration for the propagation of sweetness and light.

"We have not yet three acres and a cow, but it w...

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

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A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

I get annoyed when people say that us programmers have a superiority complex.

It's not a complex, you idiots

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk"

He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

Why do exterminators make for good programmers?

They're experts in debugging!

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

What do you call a nonbinary programmer?

A contradiction in terms

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Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

Beaver joke

Today I watched a programme about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

Which is harder? Trying to read a doctor's handwriting or trying to read a programmer's code?

Trying to read a doctor's code.

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?

No comment.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

I designed a weight loss programme for the homeless to help them bounce back...

...It’s called Tramp-o-lean

What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life?

He writes byebyeworld.c

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

Where do programmers get their water?

a 'well, actually...'

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

How does a programmer confuse a mathematician?

x = x + 1

My programmer friend said I have a high IQ

He said it's 404

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

Why do Assembly programmers have so much free time at school?

They can't have any classes.

Why do programmers never go to sleep?

Because goto is evil.

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

Why do programmers hang out together?

Because they are codependent

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