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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store..

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for several hours straight. Seconds before the end of the competition, a bolt of lightning strikes, taking out the electricity. Moments later, the power is restored, and God announces that t...

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware issue.

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

How do you seduce a female programmer?

1: Be proficient in Python

2: Have a big python

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

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How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

A programmer walks into a bar,

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “I’ll have three beers please.”

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

I used to work as a Programmer for autocorrect...

But they fried me for no raisin!

Everyone wants to be a developer or programmer nowadays...

But the only soft wear I'm interested in is a cardigan.

A programmer walked into a bar.

He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

I get annoyed when people say that us programmers have a superiority complex.

It's not a complex, you idiots

To all the teachers who said I would be nothing but a computer programmer and an alcoholic

SyntaxError: unexpected EOF while parsing

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

Why do exterminators make for good programmers?

They're experts in debugging!

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

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A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

What do you call a nonbinary programmer?

A contradiction in terms

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Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

Why do programmers think Halloween and Christmas are the same?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk"

He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

A young Programmer and his Project Manager board a train headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita.

They can find no place to sit except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother. After a while, it is obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they are giving each other looks. Soon the train passes into a tunnel and...

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

A programer walks into a bar

He orders 0 beers and the bartender says that he must order a positive number
He then orders -10 beers and the bartender says the same
He then orders 1000000 beers and the bartender says he must order a realistic amount of beers
The programmer then orders a toilet, and the bartender says th...

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

Where do programmers get their water?

a 'well, actually...'

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

A programmer is driving through the country

While on his drive he sees a horse drawn carriage without any supervision.

He stops the carriage and ask the man sleeping inside what if the horses just stop.

The man replies he has tied a bell around the horses neck and if they stop the bell would stop ringing.

The programmer g...

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

My programmer friend said I have a high IQ

He said it's 404

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

How does a programmer confuse a mathematician?

x = x + 1

Why do programmers never go to sleep?

Because goto is evil.

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Why do Assembly programmers have so much free time at school?

They can't have any classes.

Why do programmers hang out together?

Because they are codependent

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

How many Boolean programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Yes.

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

What do you call a programmer that doesn't use Stack Overflow?

A liar.

What do you call an experienced software engineer who works in Spain?

señor programmer

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?

No comment.

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

How do you know if a programmer is really busy?

They’ve got a lot of issues.

Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

What is it called when a programmer goes to hell?

Syntax.

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

What is a programmer’s favorite game?

Finding out what they broke this time

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

A programmer makes a robot girlfriend.

He tries interacting by text, putting in "i <3 u". But the robot unfortunately responds: "i not defined in this scope. u not defined in this scope."

Why are there so many ‘parental advisory’ notices on tv programmes lately?

My mum’s getting really sick of me phoning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

Why do programmers need glasses?

So they can see sharp.

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

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