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Programme Jokes

A computer programmer goes to buy some bread.

On his way out, his wife says, "and while you're there, get a carton of eggs".

He never returned.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Cause light attracts bugs.

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

How do you tell the difference between an English major, a Math major, and a programmer?

Ask them what "!" is

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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

A programmer

goes to do groceries. His wife tell him:

-- Buy a loaf of bread, and if they have eggs, buy a dozen.

He comes back with thirteen loaves of bread.

-- But why?, she asks.

-- They had eggs.

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

None. We don't address hardware issues.

A programmer walks into a bar,

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “I’ll have three beers please.”

Why do Java Programmers wear glasses?

Because they don't C#.

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

Programmers make bad dating partners

A JavaScript developer will make empty promises and not call you back.

A Java developer will act classy but he’ll treat you as an object.

And a Python developer will take up all the space and everything will move too slow anyway.

A programmer went to a store to pick up some groceries

As he was leaving the house his wife said: "While you are there, buy some milk". He never came back.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

What did the programmer name his son?

JSON.

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

I used to work as a programmer at auto correct.

They fried me for no reason

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

Why is it safest to hire female sheep as computer programmers?

They always have multiple baaa-cups.



This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of women are computer programmers attracted to?

BASIC bitches, obviously..

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?

No comment.

Why did the programmer quit his job?

Because he didn't get arrays.

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

Why was the programmer’s dog so aggressive?

Because it’s name was Megabyte!

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

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A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

What's a programmer's favourite underwear ?

The string

The programmer detective

After weeks of hard work, the programmer detective had narrowed the criminal down to two suspects.

He just needed a bit more information.

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

Why are Communists bad Java programmers?

They don't like classes.

a programmer and astronaut walk into a bar

Astronaut: we are just tiny dots in this vast universe. What we do is insignificant. Why should we even do anything ? What's the point ?

Programmer: I should stop making these simulations so real.

You ever hear the one about how many programmers it takes to change a lightbulb?

Zero, because they don't deal with hardware issues.

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

Jesus and Satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.


They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for ...

What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.

A programmer walked into a bar.

He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

How do you seduce a female programmer?

1: Be proficient in Python

2: Have a big python

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:


640 x 480.

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

A programmer went to go grocery shopping.

A programmer went to go grocery shopping. He called his wife and asked what was needed.

His wife said: "You need to get 2 loaves of bread. Oh, and also, if there's eggs, buy a dozen."

So he came home with a dozen loaves of bread.

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

What do you get when you cross a programmer, a physicist, and a cat?

A very good grasp on strings.

Problem about being a Programmer

Wife said, "Honey, please go to super market and get 1 bottle of milk. If they have bananas, bring 6".

He came back with 6 bottles of milk.

She said " Why the hell did you buy 6 bottles of milk?"

He said "BECAUSE THEY HAD BANANAS".

He still does not understand why his wif...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a programmer have during sex?

An ||gasm.

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN

that's double trouble.

What's a programmer's favorite drug?

Codeine.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

?
Bug's Bunny.

Why did the programmer drown when he fell into the lake at the park?

There was a sign that said "No swimming".

Did you hear what the dyslexic man said when the police shot an unarmed programmer?

"They should have just compiled!!!"

Why do programmers confuse Halloween with Christmas?

Because 31 OCT = 25 DEC.

Programmer joke.

!false

It's funny because it's true.

A computer programmer was sitting at home with his wife.

He takes a cigarette out of his pocket, lights it, and takes a puff.
His wife looks at him angrily and says,
"You really need to stop doing that. Can't you see the warning on the box? It says 'hazardous to health!'"
The programmer takes another puff of his cigarette and says,
"I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

A doctor and a programmer both like the same woman

Every day, the doctor brings her a flower, while the programmer brings her an apple.

Eventually, she chooses to go out with the programmer.

Outraged, the doctor asks the programmer why he brought her apples.

The programmer responded “An Apple a day keeps the doctor away”

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

Where do programmers get their water?

a 'well, actually...'

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

Why are all programmers drug addicts?

Cause they do a lot of codeine.

My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...

I think it's because they're non-binary

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

Why do programmers hang out together?

Because they are codependent

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

How does a programmer confuse a mathematician?

x = x + 1

Why aren’t programmer jokes funny?

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Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why

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