Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

Whats at the end of every programmers suicide note?

“Goodbye World”

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life?

He writes byebyeworld.c

A programmer went to the grocery store. His wife said "while you are out, go get some milk."

He never came back.

Which is harder? Trying to read a doctor's handwriting or trying to read a programmer's code?

Trying to read a doctor's code.

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

Where do programmers get their water?

a 'well, actually...'

Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Why did the programmer need glasses?

He couldn’t C#.

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

Why do programmers never go to sleep?

Because goto is evil.

A programmer is driving through the country

While on his drive he sees a horse drawn carriage without any supervision.

He stops the carriage and ask the man sleeping inside what if the horses just stop.

The man replies he has tied a bell around the horses neck and if they stop the bell would stop ringing.

The programmer g...

Why do Assembly programmers have so much free time at school?

They can't have any classes.

My programmer friend said I have a high IQ

He said it's 404

Why do programmers hang out together?

Because they are codependent

What do programmers wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

What do you call a programmer that doesn't use Stack Overflow?

A liar.

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

I used to work as a programmer for auto correct.

Then they fried me for no raisin.

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

As a programmer you know what really annoys me about plumbers?

They promised me async but they didn't callback.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

How do you know if a programmer is really busy?

They’ve got a lot of issues.

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

Q: What's the best IDE for a blind programmer?

A: Visual Studio

Q: And what's the best programming language for a blind programmer?
A: Not sure, maybe Visual Basic, but definitely not C#, C++ or even C

(Sorry for stealing from r/learnprograming)

***Attention please***: The train to hell is leaving in 10 minutes, for t...

What is it called when a programmer goes to hell?

Syntax.

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost.

He reduces his height and spots a man below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts:

"Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago but I don't know where I am"

The man below says "Yes, you are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet ...

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

How many Boolean programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Yes.

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

What is a programmer’s favorite game?

Finding out what they broke this time

A programmer makes a robot girlfriend.

He tries interacting by text, putting in "i <3 u". But the robot unfortunately responds: "i not defined in this scope. u not defined in this scope."

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

A programmer walks into a bar.

He gets a seat, and starts to whine about his day. He does it in a civil manner, so the bartender doesn't mind, but he whines.

First his girlfriend ditched him.

"I think the reason was I wasn't putting out enough. Still hurt." Said the programmer.

"That can be tough." Said the b...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

Please don’t condemn me to hell for this one .....

What kind of tune does a programmer vibe to?

An ALGO-RHYTHM

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why

Why do programmers need glasses?

So they can see sharp.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

If all the parallel universes ever contacted each other, they’d all have names like “Universe 1, Universe A, Universe ⍺, etc”.

There’ll definitely be a programmers’ universe, which’ll annoy everyone else by calling themselves “Universe 0”.

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

How can you tell the difference between an introvert and an extrovert programmer?

An introvert programmer stares at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert programmer stares at yours.

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

A programmer walks into a bar...

He orders 1.000000119 root beers.

The bartender says, “ I’m gonna have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

The programmer says, “Well in that case make it a double.”

Programmer joke.

!false

It's funny because it's true.

What does a programmer say after reading the fortune they get from a fortune cookie?

Embed

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

How do programmers arrange their crayons?

They use color coding.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

Why are there so many ‘parental advisory’ notices on tv programmes lately?

My mum’s getting really sick of me phoning.

Q: How did the programmer escape from prison?

A: from%20prison

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

What do programmers say when they rob you

01001000 01100001 01101110 01100100 00100000 01101111 01110110 01100101 01110010 00100000 01110100 01101000 01100101 00100000 01101101 01101111 01101110 01100101 01111001 00100000 01101111 01110010 00100000 01001001 11100010 10000000 10011001 01101100 01101100 00100000 01110011 01101000 01101111 011...

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do nazi programmers greet one another?

Zip! File!

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?

"Help! I can't C#"

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

What do ghosts, rappers, and programmers have in common?

Boolean

Why do cats love programmers?

Because one of their hand always smells like mouse.

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

Why couldn't the system programmer breathe?

He refused to open windows.

Why did the programmer buy a Jack O' Lantern on Christmas Day?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

-----

^Can't ^remember ^where ^I ^heard ^it ^before

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