A programmer is asked by his wife to go to the store

"Go to the store to buy some eggs", she says, "If they have avocadoes get 6". The programmer returns with some eggs and 6 avocadoes because he's a programmer and not a badly written program.

How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None. It's a hardware problem.

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

What do you call a nonbinary programmer?

A contradiction in terms

Why do most programmers use dark mode?

Because the light attracts too many bugs

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

Whats at the end of every programmers suicide note?

“Goodbye World”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

A young programmer and his Project Manager board a train, headed through the mountains on its way to Wichita. They can find no place to sit except for two seats, right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it's obvious that the young woman and the young programmer are interested in each other, because they're giving each other looks. Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it's pitch black. There's a sound of a kiss, followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train emerges from t...

What do programmers do when they're hungry?

They grab a byte

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"You m...

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

A programmer went to the grocery store. His wife said "while you are out, go get some milk."

He never came back.

What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life?

He writes byebyeworld.c

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Which is harder? Trying to read a doctor's handwriting or trying to read a programmer's code?

Trying to read a doctor's code.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:

640 x 480.

Why do programmers confuse Halloween and Christmas?

Because Oct 31 = Dec 25

Why was Harry Potter such a good computer programmer?

Because he spoke python.

Haha
Haha

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

Why do Java programmers wear glasses?

Because they don’t C#

Why did the programmer need glasses?

He couldn’t C#.

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

Why do programmers never go to sleep?

Because goto is evil.

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

Why do Assembly programmers have so much free time at school?

They can't have any classes.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

My programmer friend said I have a high IQ

He said it's 404

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

How does a programmer confuse a mathematician?

x = x + 1

Why do programmers hang out together?

Because they are codependent

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

What do you call a programmer that doesn't use Stack Overflow?

A liar.

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

How do you know if a programmer is really busy?

They’ve got a lot of issues.

How many Boolean programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Yes.

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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

What is it called when a programmer goes to hell?

Syntax.

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

Job descriptions

Lawyer: who writes a 15,000 word document and calls it a "brief."

Accountant: who knows the cost of everything and the value of nothing.

Auditor: who arrives after the battle and bayonets all the wounded.

Banker: who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining and wants it ba...

The programmer's wife tells him: "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen".

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

A programmer walks into a bar.

He gets a seat, and starts to whine about his day. He does it in a civil manner, so the bartender doesn't mind, but he whines.

First his girlfriend ditched him.

"I think the reason was I wasn't putting out enough. Still hurt." Said the programmer.

"That can be tough." Said the b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

What is a programmer’s favorite game?

Finding out what they broke this time

A programmer makes a robot girlfriend.

He tries interacting by text, putting in "i <3 u". But the robot unfortunately responds: "i not defined in this scope. u not defined in this scope."

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

I designed a weight loss programme for the homeless to help them bounce back...

...It’s called Tramp-o-lean

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

What do programmers eat for breakfast?

Nothing much, just a byte.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

Bug's Bunny.

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

A lawyer, a priest, and a programmer are driving down a mountain when their brakes give out...

They all start screaming as the car goes faster and faster, and they start barreling around the curves. Somehow they make it to the bottom, safe and sound. They all pile out of the car as quickly as they can.

The lawyer angrily says "We should sue the manufacturer!"

The priest falls to...

A programmer got stuck in the shower because...

The instructions on the shampoo bottle said-
"Lather, Rinse, Repeat."

I am a programmer. A journalist asked me what makes a software code bad. I said...

No comment

Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

Why do programmers need glasses?

So they can see sharp.

A Programmer.

Why are Programmers single?

Because they treat women like an Object.

Programmers hate roman numerals.

But I can't zero in on why

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

How long does a programmer last in bed?

Just a bit

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

[OC] A programmer walks into a coffee shop

A programmer walks into a coffee shop on his lunch break with his pet, a black Labrador. He comes in with a scowl on his face and a furrowed brow, his expression showing a frustrated yet pensieve look about him. He asks for a plain, black coffee.

The barista compassionately eyed the man fo...

How can you tell the difference between an introvert and an extrovert programmer?

An introvert programmer stares at his shoes while talking to you. An extrovert programmer stares at yours.

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

A programmer walks into a bar...

He orders 1.000000119 root beers.

The bartender says, “ I’m gonna have to charge you extra, that’s a root beer float.”

The programmer says, “Well in that case make it a double.”

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

Why are there so many ‘parental advisory’ notices on tv programmes lately?

My mum’s getting really sick of me phoning.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Where does the computer programmer take a piss?

At the IP address.

Where does he poop?

Install.

Programmer joke.

!false

It's funny because it's true.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

What does a programmer say after reading the fortune they get from a fortune cookie?

Embed

A chemist, a mechanic, a electrician, and a programmer were driving in a car when it broke down.

"This must be because we've mixed the wrong fuel additive!" said the chemist.



"Bollocks!" said the mechanic. "This is clearly a mechanical problem. There must be something wrong with the engine."



"Both of you are wrong. The problem lies with the car wiring and the batte...

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend

A woman moves in with her balding programmer boyfriend and immediately gets concerned about his nighttime routine. Every night he takes a 2 hour shower and goes to bed complaining that his arms hurt. She also noticed that he has an entire closet full of shampoo. After a few weeks she can't take it a...

Q: How did the programmer escape from prison?

A: from%20prison

A physicist, an engineer and a programmer were in a car driving over a steep alpine pass when the brakes failed.

The car was getting faster and faster, they were struggling to get round the corners and once or twice only the feeble crash barrier saved them from crashing down the side of the mountain. They were sure they were all going to die, when suddenly they spotted an escape lane. They pulled into the esca...

What does a programmer say when he loses his glasses?

"Help! I can't C#"

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

A programmer calls the library

- Hello! Can I talk to Kate?
- She is in Archives.
- Could you please extract her. I need her urgently

Why can't Communists be programmers?

Because there is a hierarchy of classes, inheritance, and private properties

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do nazi programmers greet one another?

Zip! File!

A computer programmer goes fishing. When he comes home his wife asked him how it went?

As he holds up 8 fish, he says "I only got one byte"

Why do cats love programmers?

Because one of their hand always smells like mouse.

How does the computer programmer potty train his son?

Ctrl+P

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