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I hate C programmers

They just don't have a class...

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A wife asks her programmer husband to go to the store

'Can you go down to the store, and get a gallon of milk, and if they have eggs, get 6.'

Later on he returns home and she looks at his
purchases and says 'Why the fuck do you have 6 gallons of milk?'

He responded 'They had eggs.'

a programmer and astronaut walk into a bar

Astronaut: we are just tiny dots in this vast universe. What we do is insignificant. Why should we even do anything ? What's the point ?

Programmer: I should stop making these simulations so real.

What's the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by lack of RAM.

A programmer got stuck in the shower...

because the bottle said rinse and repeat.

A programmer and his project manager board a train headed through the mountains. They can find no other place to sit, except for two seats right across the aisle from a young woman and her grandmother.

After a while, it becomes quite clear that the woman and the programmer are interested in each other, as they keep looking at each other.

Soon, the train passes into a tunnel and it is pitch black. There is the sound of a kiss followed by the sound of a slap.

When the train finally e...

A programmer had a problem. He thought to himself, “I know, I’ll solve it with threads!”

has Now problems. two he

What do you get when you cross a programmer, a physicist, and a cat?

A very good grasp on strings.

What's a programmer's favourite underwear ?

The string

Why does a programmer prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs

Did you hear what the dyslexic man said when the police shot an unarmed programmer?

"They should have just compiled!!!"

Why do Java programmers have to wear glasses?

Because they don't C#

If an Indian programmer has no bread and his computations don't even give #NAN

that's double trouble.

Jesus and satan bet on who is a better programmer

Jesus and Satan have a discussion as to who is the better programmer. This goes on for a few hours until they come to an agreement to hold a contest, with God as the judge.

They sit themselves at their computers and begin. They type furiously, lines of code streaming up the screen, for severa...

What do you call an optimistic programmer?

A glass half full stack developer.

A computer programmer is back from paternity leave after his wife has a baby. When he shows up, a coworker says to him "Welcome back! Was it a boy or a girl?"

To which he replies, "yes".

Today I made my first money as a Programmer.

I sold my laptop.

I asked a programmer what his New Year's resolution will be.

He answered:


640 x 480.

Nasa kicked me out of their astronaut training programme...

They said I was a waste of space!

Why did the programmer drown when he fell into the lake at the park?

There was a sign that said "No swimming".

My LGBTQ+ programmer friend told me they were having trouble with some data inputs the other day...

I think it's because they're non-binary

What code does a depressed programmer write?

"Goodbye world!"

A programmer walks into a bar,

A programmer walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says “I’ll have three beers please.”

How many computer programmers does it take to change a light bulb?

None, that's a hardware issue.

The programmer detective

After weeks of hard work, the programmer detective had narrowed the criminal down to two suspects.

He just needed a bit more information.

What do computer programmers do after work?

They go out and grab a byte.

What kind of spell does a programmer cast?

Hex.

How do you seduce a female programmer?

1: Be proficient in Python

2: Have a big python

There are 2.00000001 types of programmers in the world

Those who experience off-by-one errors, and those who experience rounding errors.

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How can you tell the difference between a porn star and a programmer?

The way they pronounce 'analyze'

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What do you call the sexy girlfriend of a bad programmer?

?
Bug's Bunny.

Now that I’m making decent money as a programmer, my mom keeps asking me if I’m getting all the ladies.

const getLadies = (someLadies) => {

let ladies = await fetch(someLadies);
let allTheLadies = await ladies.json()

return allTheLadies
}

Yes I am.

I grew worried when my programmer wife hadn't come out of her office all day.

I entered found her hunched over her laptop. "Honey, everything okay?"

"I'm working on a production defect!" she replied, not looking away from her screen.

"I know how those are!" I sympathized, and left her to concentrate.

An hour later she came downstairs in tears, flushed. Sh...

(Programmer) What did 0 say to 1?

You're a bit too much.

A programmer walked into a bar.

He raised his middle finger and his thumb to the bartender and said "5 beers please".

How programmers and cats are alike?

They both can sit in the same position for long time and get excited when they find a bug

Went on a site claiming to offer the best diet programme...

The first thing it asked me is if I accept cookies!

Beaver joke

Today I watched a programme about beavers.

It was the best dam program I've ever seen

Why did the the programmer have glasses

So that he could c#
(C sharp)

Why can't a programmer digest his food?

Because he has a semi colon.

I get annoyed when people say that us programmers have a superiority complex.

It's not a complex, you idiots

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A politician, drug dealer, beekeeper, priest, doctor, lawyer, accountant, engineer, prostitute, programmer, nurse, chef, forensic analyst, biologist, truck driver and a writer walk into a bar

It is a big bar. Very big one. And empty, or at least it was empty until this large group of people entered it.

They all form a queue in front of the bar and order drinks one by one. The politician gets a Heineken, the drug dealer orders a Budweiser, the beekeeper gets a mead, the priest buy...

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A programmer and an engineer

A Programmer and an Engineer are sitting next to each other on a very long flight from LA to NY. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he would like to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to take a nap, so he politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks....

How does a programmer ghost scare people?

It yells “BOOLEAN”

What does a programmer wear?

Whatever is in the dress code.

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

[credit: my gf's shower thoughts]

A programmer dies and meets St Peter outside the pearly gates.

As St Peter goes through his list, he discovers the programmer's name on the list.

"ah, it seems you have too many sins to be permitted into heaven. I'm sorry, but I'm going to have ...

Why do exterminators make for good programmers?

They're experts in debugging!

A programmer was arrested for writing unreadable code

He refused to comment

A programmer was leaving the house and his wife said "While you're out, get some milk"

He never returned and the world ran out of milk.

Programming logic

The programmer's spouse asks the programmer to go to the store

The spouse says, "Get a loaf of bread, if they have eggs, get a dozen."

The programmer comes home with a dozen loaves of bread and says, "They had eggs."

Why do good programmers never put circles into their games?

Because no one likes pointless features.

What do you call a nonbinary programmer?

A contradiction in terms

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Wow why did my programmer wife grow big boobs?

Because She is a Full-stack Developer

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

If you're a programmer, you would know:

// the real joke is always in the comments

Why did the Programmer quit his job?

[“Because”, “he”, “didnt”, “get”, “Arrays”]

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Wife sends her programmer husband grocery shopping

She tells him:

“I need butter, sugar and cooking oil.
Also, get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs, get 6.”

The husband returns with the butter, sugar and cooking oil, as well as 6 loaves of bread.

The wife asks:
“Why the hell did you get 6 loaves of bread?”

To ...

Only programmers will get this one:

Why did the functions stop calling each other?

Ans: Because they had too many arguments.

At a university exchange programme, an American student met a Syrian student.

“How are the things going on in your country right now?”

“Not good. We still don’t have proper medical facilities, there are plenty of homeless people, lots of religious fanatics and mass murders keep happening everyday.”

“The things aren’t that great here as well,” replied the Syrian ...

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

Why do Python programmers have low self esteem?

They're constantly comparing their self to other.

A programmer's husband asks her to go to the grocery store...

On the way home from work. Later that day he sees her struggling to carry 12 gallons of milk in from the car and asks "Honey, why did you get 12 gallons of milk? We'll never use that much milk before it goes bad."

She responds "I was just following your directions. You asked me 'Can you stop ...

Which is harder? Trying to read a doctor's handwriting or trying to read a programmer's code?

Trying to read a doctor's code.

A programmer and his colleagues attempt to enter a restaurant

Amidst their chatting, one of them approaches the receptionist:

"Table for 8, please"

"Are you sure, Mister?" she replied. "I can see there are actually 9 of you here"

"What? No, you're mistaken. We're 8 people, look"

He turns around, and begins doing a head count:
...

What do you call a group of programmers?

An argument.

Did you hear about the half-assed programmer?

Apparently he had a missing semi-colon.

A programmer rubs a lamp and a genie appears

Genie: "Alright I'm gonna make this short. You can't ask for more wishes, you can't change free will, and you only get one wish. Choose wisely."

Programmer: "I wish to use a wish."

Genie: "Granted, you now have 4,294,967,295 wishes."

A programmer and his wife are reviewing their grocery list.

She says, “We’re out of bread. Please go the grocery store and buy one. And if they’ve got eggs, get six.”

After a while, he’s back with six loaves of bread.

The wife asks, “Why did you buy 6 loaves of bread?”

He replies, “They had eggs.”

What did the programmer’s suicide note say?

“Goodbye world”

How do you know a man is a programmer?

Send him shopping and tell him: "Get a loaf of bread and if they have eggs get 10."
If he comes back with 10 loaves of bread, he's a programmer.

As a programmer, I would make a UDP joke

But you might not get it.

A programmer

A programmer is going to the grocery store and his wife tells him, "Buy a gallon of milk, and if there are eggs, buy a dozen." So the programmer goes, buys everything, and drives back to his house. Upon arrival, his wife angrily asks him, "Why did you get 13 gallons of milk?" The programmer says, "T...

What does a programmer/coder do when he's tired of life?

He writes byebyeworld.c

Welcome to my 3 step programme on how to climb ladders

Step 1

Step 2

Step 3

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Programmer: "Honey, you're my number one..."

Wife: "Oh, really!? Well who's your number zero, you cheating bastard!?"

How do you tell a programmer from a DnD player?

Ask them to complete the list: int, char, str...

A programmer goes shopping

A room mate asked his friend who is a programmer to go shopping.

"hey, can you buy a bottle of milk? Oh and if they have eggs, buy 12"

So the programmer went shopping.

When he got back, he bought 12 bottle of milk and his room mate asked

"why the heck did you bought 12 ...

A journalist asked a programmer:- What makes code bad?

No comment.

Why do programmers get Halloween and Christmas mixed up?

Because Oct31 = Dec25

Where do programmers get their water?

a 'well, actually...'

Did you hear about the programmer who was apprehended before he could check in his code?

He was arrested for a crime; he didn’t commit.

A programmer goes on a walk

A programmer goes on a walk. Before he leaves the house his wife tells him: "While you are outside, please buy some bread."

He never returned.

What do programmers want from their bosses?

Arrays

What language is most commonly used by programmers?

Vulgar

What do passionate Indian chefs and functional programmers have in common when they are exhausted?

They curry on.

Why couldn't the programmer move his car?

He ran out of space on his drive

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me?

I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The woman below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground.
You are between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude."

"...

Did you hear about the programmer who got sent to prison for using the wrong types in his C programs?

He's going to prison for a long long time_t.

How does a programmer confuse a mathematician?

x = x + 1

A physicist, a mathematician and a computer programmer discuss what is better: a wife or a girlfriend.

The physicist: "A girlfriend. You still have freedom to experiment."
The mathematician: "A wife. You have security."
The computer programmer: "Both. When I'm not with my wife, she thinks I'm with my girlfriend. With my girlfriend it's vice versa. And I can be with my computer without anyon...

My programmer friend said I have a high IQ

He said it's 404

A programmer puts two glasses on his bedside table before going to sleep.

One full of water in case he gets thirsty and an empty one in case he doesn't.

A programmer, a doctor and an anti-vaxxer are sitting in a bar.

The programmer says: “For me a mojito!”

The doctor says: “For me a pina colada!”

The anti-vaxxer says: “For me an applejack!” because anti-vaxxers are like any normal person and not so quirky or weird.

She then dies from measles.

Why do blind programmers use Java?

Because they can't C.



(I'm so sorry.)

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What do you call it when a programmer with a small dick and erectile dysfunction jacks off but doesn't let himself cum?

Microsoft Edge

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A programmer is working on a convenience store cash register...

A programmer is working on the software for a cash register computer at a convenience store. He finally thinks he got it done and tests a few items. Scans a gallon of milk:

> $2.50

Perfect. How about this bag of beef jerky?

> $4.99

Excellent. 20 oz soda?

>...

Why do Assembly programmers have so much free time at school?

They can't have any classes.

Why do programmers never go to sleep?

Because goto is evil.

Why do programmers hang out together?

Because they are codependent

I wanted to be a better computer programmer so I decided to slowly improve my binary skills

You could say I improved bit by bit

A Programmers son asks, why is the sky blue?

Programmer: It works, don't mess with it!

What do you call it when a programmer goes to the bathroom when they have a new idea?

A memory dump.

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