The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her...

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 construction workers where sitting on the bridge that they where building having their lunch break.

The first guy says “If I get a Marmite sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge.”
The second guys says “If get a peanut butter sandwich again I am going to jump off this bridge”.
The third guy says if I get another strawberry jam sandwich then I am going to jump off this bridge.” ...

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

What’s the hardest thing about jumping off a building?

The ground

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building.

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

I noticed that my local convent has no security around the building, so I helped my self

No 'fence.


Nun taken.

A little girl is building a big puzzle..

She has all of the pieces out on the table when her parents walk up to her and ask what she is doing

'I'm building this puzzle! I think its a tiger, but its really hard.' says the little girl.

The parents look at the box, then at each other, then the dad picks up the little girl and t...

Two blondes were standing on the rooftop of the highest building

First one looked down and asked:
"Hey, if I jump down from here, how long do you think it would take me to reach the ground?"

Second one then also looked down and said:
"Well, it's pretty high up here. I think it would take at least 5 days!"

"Really? Ok here's another one" she co...

A recently discovered type of kangaroo can jump higher than the empire state building...

... because Empire State building cannot jump at all.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a bar at the top floor of a building...

She sits down and orders a drink, she hears a drunk man at the end of the bar talking loud about his drink. So she asks him,

“what are you drinking?”

The man proclaims.

“This is the worlds greatest drink! It gives you powers!”

The woman thinking the man is crazy, simpl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I wrote a book, and the first sentence reads, “There I sat in Central Park, staring at the base of the Empire State Building across the street.”

The title of the book is “I’ve Never Been to New York But I Love Hearing New Yorkers Get Mad At This Shit”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are trapped in a burning building...

They manage to make it to the roof, but the flames are climbing higher. The volunteer fire department arrives and sees them standing up on the roof. So they grab a huge safety blanket and stretch it out between them. "Jump!" one guy yells. "It's the only way to safety! We'll catch you!"

So th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There are three construction workers sitting on the 20th floor of a building...

As their legs hang off the side of the building, they open up their packed lunches. The first worker looks at his sandwich and says;

"Damn it! A ham sandwich again? If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm jumping off this building!"

The second worker opens his lunch and responds;

"Y...

Started working from home recently building boats in my attic...

Sails are through the roof.

I have a fear of over-designed buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

Since I started building dikes and levees for a living everyone is full of advice...

I tell them, "*Water* you talking about?

A health inspector is inspecting an office building

Inspector: And finally to check on how well this building is cleaned

10 minutes later, the inspector walks out of the building with a bloody nose.

Inspector: Well it's a nine out of ten overall. The bathrooms weren't the cleanest but all in all not too shabby at all.

And by the ...

What do you call the desire to over engineer buildings?

A complex complex complex.

A blonde woman wanted to commit suicide by jumping from the 10th floor of her building but her building only had 5 floors

So she jumped from the 5th floor twice

Three blonds walk into a building.

You would think one of them would have seen it.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

Some species of frog can jump higher than a 3-story building

It's because of their immensely powerful hind legs, and the fact that office buildings cannot jump.

A dude goes for a job on a building site. The Forman asks him...

"The two criteria for this job," he begins "can you make a pot of tea?"


"Sure. When I make tea it's the world's greatest."

"Can you drive a forklift?" Asks the Forman

"£UCKING...HELL! How big is the teapot?!"

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy walks into a seedy bar in NYC, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Did you know you can jump off the Empire State Building and survive the fall?"...

The second gentleman sitting at the bar laughs and says sarcastically, "Suuuure you can".

The first guys says, "No I'm serious. On a windy day, like today, the surrounding buildings create this strange air current near the ground which cushions your fall. You land gently on your feet, light a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Preist and a Rabbi run out of a burning building

The Preist says,"Waphat about the kids?"


The Rabbi responds with, "Fuck the kids!"


The Preist asks, "Do we have time?"

What do you call spiderman after he lost his powers, but still jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour

(-my brother)

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

A man walks into a bar on the roof of a 4 story building after a long day at work

He sits down at the bar and the barkeep asks "Hi, mate. Same as usual?"

"I've had a hard day and I think I want something different this time. Let me have a browse and get back to me?" the man responded. "no worries pal, take your time, we've got plenty." replied the barkeep.

A voice s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A construction worker on the seventh floor of a building needs a handsaw

A construction worker working on the seventh floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and tries yelling that he needs a handsaw. The worker on the ground floor looks up, but because of the distance he can't make out what the worker on the seventh floor is say...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three drunks are standing on the roof of the Empire State Building.

The first one says to the other two, "You know, it's a funny thing about these wind currents. A person could jump off of this building right now and not even hit the ground; the wind would carry him right back up to the top of the building!"

The second drunk says, "You're crazy!"

The...

On the roof of a very tall building are four men-

One is asian, one is mexican, one is black, and the last one is white.

The asian walks to the ledge and says, "This is for all my people" and jumps off the roof.

Next, the mexican walks to the ledge and also says, "This is for all my people" and then he jumps off the roof.

Ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tom and Clark are standing on the roof of their building drinking a few beers on their break when Clark says,

“Hey Tom, did you know that if you jump off this building, after you get down so far, a draft will pull you back inside the building on the third floor?”

“Get outta here,” says Tom.

“I’m serious. Watch me,” Clark says. Clark hops off the building, and sure enough, he is taken in by the...

A guy lives in my building with the ability to change locks and unclog drains at will

He has super powers

My friend jumped out of a 30 story building

Luckily he was on the first floor

Why do fireman take out the people from building before they put the fire out by water?

Because bros before hose.

A blond and a brunette jumped off the roof of a 10-story building at the exact same time. Who hit the ground first?

The brunette.

The blonde had to stop and ask for directions.

My wife laughed at me when I announced I was building a car out of spaghetti

You should have seen her face when I drove pasta...

Beavers get a lot of flak for building their shelters and blocking water ways-

But they are Damed if they do, and Damned if they don't

A Chinese man fell down the stairs of his 10-story apartment building.

It was Wong on so many levels.

What building is the heaviest?

The church, because it has the most mass.

A physicist, an engineer, and a mathematician are all locked in separate burning buildings.

The physicist runs to a chalkboard, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds that amount, puts out the fire, and survives. The engineer pulls out a calculator, calculates exactly how much water he will need to put out the fire, runs and finds 10 times that a...

What did Quasimodo say when his building burnt down?

Notre Damnit

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the world coming to? I'm now under investigation just for wolf-whistling at attractive girls who walk past the building site....

Fuck knows who's going to fix that schools roof now.

At a mental institution, they decide to build a fence around the building

The workers decide to paint the fence red.

The next day, the fence is gone. All of the patients were sitting outside, on the grass with their hands patting their bellies.

After that incident, the workers build another fence, this time painting it yellow.

The next day same thing ...

What building is the tallest?

The library, because it has the most stories.

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.

Blonde 1: What are you doing?!

Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.

Blonde 1: You dumbass! Those are for the other side of the house!

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed...

What do you call an adequate industrial building?

Satisfactory

The Pope and Kim Jong Un were having a meeting in a 20 story building.

During a break the two leaders made a bet about the loyalty of their guards.

First, the Pope called his guard Dave into the room, opened the window and said, "Dave, jump down."

Dave replied in tears, "Your Holiness, how could you do this to me? I have a wife and a son."

The Pope...

What's the most manly building ever?

A Man-sion

I am a builder from Sioux Falls, and I was recently in Madrid at a local tavern, and couldn’t believe the amount of code violations in their building practices. This led me to accept that they are their own culture and....

Nobody inspects the Spanish inn condition.

How do the Mexicans feel about Trump building a wall on the boarder?

They’ll get over it

Paddy and Murphy are working on the building yard...

.... when a piece of slate from the roof falls off and takes paddys ear clean off. A few days later murphy is doing some work when he finds an ear on the floor.
Picking the ear up he shouts over to Paddy
"Ey, Paddy i think ive found your ear mate"
Paddy looks over and says "no thats not mi...

Building grain processing facilities is a lucrative business

I’m hoping to make a mill by the end of the year.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two coworkers - one married, one with a girlfriend - are walking into the building together talking.

The married man asks, "How often do you get to have sex?"

The guy replies, "Oh man...my girlfriend and I have sex nine or ten times a week. How about you?"

The married guy shakes his head and laughs. "Once a week, if I'm lucky. Did you get some last night?"

"Three ti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jack and Mary work in a corporate office building together.

Their boss has a dilemma, both are hard, diligent workers but the company's not doing so well, and cannot afford to keep both. He decides he's going to watch them both from his office one day, and whoever works the hardest will keep their job.


On Friday, he watches them all through the...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Haven't seen the gorilla on a building joke. It's my favorite.

An apartment manager comes into work and his high-rise one morning and finds a gorilla five floors up hanging on the side of the building. He calls animal control and they say they'll send their best man out.

Animal control truck pulls up half hour later, and a big guy jumps out, introduces h...

A mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a building engineer are having a night out...

After a couple of drinks, they are having a chat about god,

​

The mechanical engineer starts:

"Have you noticed how brilliantly humans mechanics are designed. The joints and the drivetrain are so perfectly executed, that I think God must be a mechanical engineer."...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men are drinking in a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One turns to the other and says: "You know last week I discoveredthat if you jump from the top of this building-by the time you fall to the 10th floor, the winds around the building are so intense that they carry you around the building and back into the window." The bartender just shakes his head i...

I asked my Latino friend if Mexicans are offended by all the talk of building a wall on the southern border...

He said, "Eh... we'll get over it"

Isis sent 8 terrorists to China

A few years ago, ISIS did train eight people for many months before sending them on terrorist missions to China.

The first guy’s target was Beijing’s most complex interchange. He passed out due to motion sickness.

The second guy wanted to blow up a public bus in Shanghai during rush ho...

What do you call a fear of over-engineered buildings?

A complex complex complex

Credit to some guy named Slow Poke on YouTube

Three managers worked in the same office at the top of an 80-storey office building.

One day, they were forced to take the stairs all the way up because the elevator wasn't working. One of them suggested telling one another stories in order to take their minds of their tiredness.

As they were walking up, the first manager told the story about how he met his wife.

At th...

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

What is it called when you leave your office building well before the fire drill begins?

Premature evacuation

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An 18 year old boy was delivering papers to an apartment building.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a swe...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

Building electirc vehicles is illegal in Africa,

So i Madagascar.

In a very large commercial building there were three stores owned and run by three different businessmen.

The businessman who had his store at one end of the building put up a sign that read "Year End Clearance Sale".

At the far end of the building, not to be outdone, the other businessman put up a sign that read "Closing Out Sale".

The businessman who ran the store in the middle got nervo...

After building the wall, Trump to build an electromagnetic barrier to prevent foreign bees from entering the U.S. by sending waves that interfere with their communication.

Trump is strictly against Global Swarming

A man was out for a hike on a mountain when he's caught in a storm. Afraid of traversing the narrow roads in foul weather, he sought help in the first building he saw - a monastery...

"Of course, you can stay here until the morning. We even have spare rooms you can stay in." said the monk, who answered the door.


The man gratefully accepted the offer and followed the monk to the room. He quickly changed out of his wet clothes and lay in bed, only to notice a muffled ...

Child: Dad, how high is this building?

Building: If I’m already built, why am I called a building?

Dad: Pretty damn high.

My account said I'm crazy for investing all my money in my idea of building a business that offers a boxing gym, a dentist, and a manicurist all under one roof.

But I told him I'm going to fight tooth and nail for it. Now if I could just think of a clever name for it, I'd be all set.

What’s the difference between a man falling from a 40 story building and a 4 story building?

One goes: “Ahhhhhhhhh.... Splat”
And the other goes: “Splat....Ahhhhhhhhh”

If Spidey is out chasing bad guys and he runs out of webbing but is still jumping over cars and climbing buildings, what name does he go by?

Peter Parkour

(Apologies if this is a re-post, but I did come up by myself. My kids hated it too.)

A nearly dead baby is like building a new porch

To finish it off it needs a good railing

A wife comes back home to her husband only to find out that the building of her apartment has caught fire, 'NSFW'

The place is surrounded by fireman and police officers who are not letting anyone through. The wife hysterically goes forward shouting at them to let her through and that her husband was inside.

The Fireman tries to calm her down, tells her his condolences and that all the people that were i...

An Englishman, Scotsman and Irishman are working on a building site...

High above the city, they sit together, eating their lunch as they do every lunchtime.
The Englishman, Arthur, opens his lunchbox and picks out his sandwiches.

"I say! roast beef sandwiches. I'm sick of roast beef sandwiches! If I've got roast beef sandwiches tomorrow, I shall throw myse...

I just drove my truck into a building!

Good thing I opened the garage door first.

A physicist goes to the top of the empire state building and sees a man about to leap to his death

He runs up to him and says, "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

Relieved, the man climbs off the edge and follows the physicist down to the street. The physicist then looks at him again and says: "ah... Never mind".

Have you heard that Chuck Norris has started building non-sqaure homes?

He's on a round house kick.

A pub landlord is having a new sign put on the front of the building, The Fox and Hound. The handyman props up the letters against the building and asks 'How does that look?' The landlord replies 'There's too big a space between 'Fox and and and and and Hound'.

Don't know if it's really a joke but it makes my Grandad laugh so I hope you do too.

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

Dr. Frankenstein went to a body-building competition...

There was a terrible misunderstanding.

I saw some people building a new bridge near me. Every lunch break they would sit down for afternoon tea complete with tablecloth and napkins.

It was very civil engineering.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

A muslim enters a building...

With 500 passengers and a plane.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman falls off of a ten story building...

...and a man on an eighth floor balcony reaches out and catches her in his arms.

"Do you fuck?", he asks.

"No!". she replied, and the man drops her.

On the sixth floor a man catches her and asks, "Do you suck?"

Again she says no and the man drops her.

On the fourth...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A suicidal man is about to jump off a building..

when he sees an armless man happily dancing & jumping on the street and he thinks: "Here I am with a complete set of limbs & miserable while an armless man is happy with his life. I better go down to him and ask him what's his secret to his happiness.."

So, he comes down the building ...

What did the pirate’s dad say when he found out his son burned down 10 buildings?

Arrrrrgh son!!!!!

What did the optimist say when he jumped off a building?

So far so good.

I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me his laptop and said

"I want you to try to sell this to me."

So I put it under my arm, walked out of the building, and went home.

Eventually he called me and said "Bring my laptop back here right now!"

I said "$200 and it's yours."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom.

There was a little girl who really loved dolls. She had a big collection of them in her bedroom. One day, while she was browsing through a shop on her own, she spotted a really beautiful doll. It would make a perfect addition to her collection. She only hoped she had enough money to buy it.

...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A residential building with thin walls.

One morning, an old man named Carlos, living on the 6th floor of a residential building stops a young man who lives on the 1st floor of the same residential building.

Old man Carlos says, “You stupid son of a b*tch, don’t you know how thin the walls are in this building ? When your shagging ...

A fireman kicks down the door of a house and carries the family out 1 by 1, but there is no fire. A week later the building catches ablaze.

He suffers from premature evacuation.

I think Noah might be the craziest of Biblical figures; hearing God, building an ark, gathering animals

The whole thing sounds delugional.

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