A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells "Don't do it! You have so much potential!"

A female janitor at my building asked me if i wanted to smoke some weed with her.

I politely declined- I can't deal with high maintenance women.

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

I have a complex complex complex

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

A man and a woman meet in the elevator of a high rise office building.

The woman asks for the 10th floor and tells the man she is going to donate blood. She says that she’s able to donate once a month and that she earns $10 each time.

The man laughs and says that he’s going to the 20th floor to donate his sperm. He tells her that he is able to donate every day ...

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

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When im rich im building comedy clubs in all my bathrooms

Just for shits and giggles

A biologist, a physicist, and a mathematician watch two people enter a building. A little later, three people walk out.

Biologist: “They procreated in the building.”

Physicist: “The first measurement was off.”

Mathematician: “If one more person walks into the building, it will be empty.”

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

I got a new job as a labourer for a well known building company.

The first day on the job we went to a site to put up a fence, it took us about half a day but we did an awesome job.

The next day we went back to the same job, ripped the fence down and built a new one using the same posts as the first day.

This went on for another three days, ripping ...

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My therapist says I have an irrational fear of large buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

I have a friend who is gifted at building enclosures for horses...

He's known as the "stable genius".

A man fell from the Empire State Building

A man fell out of a window from the Empire State Building, but luckily he survived the fall.

Even luckier is that there was a doctor on the sidewalk across the street. Naturally, the doctor ran to the man and asked what happened.

The man replied, “I don’t know, I just got here myself.”

What do you call a person who just fell head first off of a 10 story building?

A crackhead







-I think this is original content. If not, please correct me.

Kraft is planning on building a manufacturing plant in the Middle East.

They will call it "Cheeses of Nazareth".

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During an ecumenical assembly, a secretary rushed in shouting, “The building is on fire!”

The Methodists prayed in a corner.
The Baptists wondered where they could find water. The Quakers quietly praised God for the blessings that fire brings.
The Lutherans posted a notice on the door announcing the fire was evil.
The Roman Catholics passed the plate to cover the cost of the ...

Just finished watching a documentary on building ships....

It was riveting.

Three construction workers are on the seventy-fifth floor of a non-finished building.

The Italian opens his lunch box to find a pizza and says "Man, if I get pizza one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" The Chinese opens his lunch box to find rice and says "Man, if I get rice one more time I am going to jump off this building and fall to my death!" ...

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A guy walks into a building

He walks up to the woman at the front desk.

He says “how much for one of your sex dolls?”

She says “your money is no good here sir.”

He says “why not?”

She says “Because this is a morgue.”

I’ve been diagnosed with a rare condition that makes me think I’m an airport building.

Hope it’s not terminal.

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A rabbi and a priest are in a burning building with a bunch of children

Rabbi: Let's get out of here

Priest: What about the kids?

Rabbi: Fuck the kids!

Priest: Do we have time?

If you need help building an ark...

I No-ah guy...

I bought some TNT online to demolish a dilapidated building. I set it off but it never exploded.

2/10 would not bang

Once upon a time there was a very large office building in a very large city.

This building had 40 levels: level 1, level 2, level 3, level 4, level 5, level 6, level 7, level 8, level 9, level 10, level 11, level 12, level 13, level 14, level 15, level 16, level 17, level 18, level 19, level 20, level 21, level 22, level 23, level 24, level 25, level 26, level 27, level 28, ...

A chicken can jump higher than Empire state building...

It's true because buildings can't jump.

Sgt Joe Friday was staking out a building being used by a suspected bank robber

When a witness he questioned a day earlier came up and gave him a picture of the robber's accomplice and a list of 3 banks they were going to rob. Joe Friday knew he had to get this information back to the police station. The only problem was the police station was 10 miles in the other direction an...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building.

The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.

The lady says, "The former seems interesti...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

I started a successful boat-building business in the attic of my house.

Sails are going through the roof!

A man lived a normal life in a 15-story building with his wife and son

They lived on the 12th floor apartment C. One day he was late for work he kissed Mary and gave Mikey his lunch money. After he got out the elevator he’d realised he forgot his car key so called his wife and said

‘Throw down my key I’m late for work’

A man lived a normal life in a 15-st...

One day a talented engineer was inspecting some work on top of a new high rise building when he slipped and fell to his death.

He goes to Heaven and walks up to the pearly gates. Saint Peter says “sorry, we aren’t letting anyone in today, you’ll have to go somewhere else.” Dismayed at his other prospects, the man goes to limbo for a while, but finds it incredibly boring. So he leaves and goes down to Hell.

There he ...

Strong Young Man

A strong young man at a construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen.

After several minutes, the older worker had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I...

An optimist lost his footing and fell off the top of a tall building

A man on the 18th floor saw it right as it happened. As the optimist was plunging towards certain death, the man calls out “hows it going?”, to which the optimist replied “so far, so good!”

Tom, Glenn and Scott were working on a high rise building project

Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.

As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."

Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get...

A fly keeps annoying a spider, which is building his own web.

Annoyed, the spider rages: "Screw off 'ye annoying pest! Once this web is complete, I will catch you, I will tie you up and then dissolve you *while you are alive*!! Just wait until _tomorrow_ when this web is finished!"

The fly, unimpressed by the spider's threats, replies before it flies of...

Why didn't rick astley help the victims of a building on fire?

He refused to let them down

What do you call someone who turns into a building at the sight of the full moon?

A Werehouse

Igor Frankenstein entered a body building competition.

When he arrived, he realized he misunderstood the objective.

The caretaker of a generation ship was on his death bed

Many years before, Jacques had helped place all his friends and family into cryogenic sleep. He was a young man then and they all knew that he would likely be long dead by the time they reached their destination. They said their tearful goodbyes and drifted off to sleep.

In the years he spent...

What’s the most expensive part of building a roof?

The overhead cost

A group of terrorist just hijacked a building full of congressmen...

...They laid their intent and threatened everyone should they not follow that they would release one congressman every hour

My girlfriend smokes pot all day and works as a janitor in an apartment building.

She’s high maintenance.

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

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Little Trevor's father works building houses.

He wants to spend a day on the job site, his mother is reluctant but eventually yields and says yes.

The next day they come home from his day with dad and she asks what he learned.

Little Trevor says "Well first you cut the fucking boards but the motherfuckers won't fit. So you have to...

Guess how long it takes to jump off a tall building?

The rest of your life

What's the problem with building a hotel in space?

The price would be astronomical.

Did you know there is a species of spider that can jump higher then a building

This is due to its powerful 8 legs and the fact that buildings can’t jump

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A Man and a woman met on top of a building.

Man: I just discovered that my wife is having an affair.


Woman: I caught my husband in bed with another woman.


Man: How about lets have sex together to get back at them?


Woman: Nice idea


Then they made passionate love.afterwards...


Woman: lets ...

Where do you go if there is a tornado outside and a fire in your building?

Depends on your religion, I guess.

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A man walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to another guy

“What are you drinking?” he asks the guy.
“Magic beer,” he says.
“Oh, yeah? What’s so magical about it?”
Then he shows him: He swigs some beer, dives off the roof, flies around the building, then finally returns to his seat with a triumphant smile.
“Amazing!” the man says. “Lemme try som...

What do you call a Muslim person standing between two buildings?

Muhammad Alley

I'm pretty bad at building fences

Oops, wrong place for this post.

A man has been building a submarine for many years

After he is finally finished with it, he shows it to his friends, who start laughing.

"That submarine looks hideous" said the first friend

"Yeah, the interior looks even worse" says the second

The man, still feeling confident in his build, decides that he is going to redecorate...

Why did the console gamer cross the road?

To render the buildings on the other side.

Man in a helicopter

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, ci...

Just been told I can get rich quick by buying an old Egyptian building.

I think it's a pyramid scheme.

What do you call it when Spider-Man jumps from building to building?

Peter Parkour.

Three men work on top of a building.

They are taking their lunch break when the brown haired man says, “Chicken salad again! If I get chicken salad again I’m going to jump.”

Next the red haired man says, “Tuna fish again! If I get tuna fish again I’m going to jump.”

The third blonde haired man says, “PBJ again! If I get P...

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3 men meet at the top of a tall building with a wizard

The wizard said "If you jump off the building and say the name of an object, that object will appear beneath you."

The first guy, being the luckiest, jumps and yells "PILLOWS." Pillows appear beneath him and he lands on them safely.

The second guy jumps and yells "HAY." He lands safely...

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NSFW: There's a crew of builders working on a high rise building in Australia. They are working on the top; which is over 70 stories high.

Bruce the builder, climbs on a beam hanging from the crane and says to his friend Joe "Hey Joe, stand on the other end of the beam, as a counter weight, I need to take a whizz over the side. Joe stands with his back to him and says "Sure thing, mate." Bruce undoes his fly and starts peeing. The lunc...

Im reading about a horrific clothing fire in the china. They have the fire put out already but firemen are still searching the building.

Thankfully they have not discovered any casual Ts.

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My friend rents out his buildings— one to the neo- Nazis, and the other to the KKK.

He is a leaser of two evils.

How many maintenance guys does it take to change a light bulb??

4. 1 to hold the bulb and 3 to rotate the building.

My brother owns a bike company.

He has spent years building it from nothing and always looked down on me for wasting my life away making puns.
Out of sympathy, he offered me a job in public relations and says with the money I'd be making, I won't have to work after 40.

I told him no thanks. I know the spokesperson never...

Man in a hotel bar bets a man that the updrafts on the side of the tall building he can jump off the roof and safely land on the ground, softly...

The other guy says laughs it off, and the first guy says, "tell'em barkeep!"

Bartender sighs, "I've seen him do it."

Second man is rightly confused, but intrigued.

Five minutes later, he watches the man jump off, and last second slows and settles to the ground. He's in shock. W...

The bet

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "D...

Fall on a building site (dad joke)

I fell into the foundations of a new build as it was setting, it's always nice to make a good impression.

How do you derogate a building without making it feel bad?

You give it 'constructive criticism'. :P

Family Therapy

The guys comes home very happy, goes to his parents and announces:

\- 'Mom, dad I finally found the girl I want to marry'

Mom: - 'That's a great news, who is she?'

\- 'She is the girl from the next block. They live on the fourth floor. You know her'

Mom: "Yes, she's a pe...

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The 3 Construction Workers

3 construction workers are sitting on the edge of a high rise they're helping to build, having lunch.

The first one, Alfredo, opens his lunchbox to find spaghetti.
"Mama Mia! Itsa spaghetti again! Ifa I see more spaghetti tomorrow, I'ma gonna jump off anda die!"

The next one, Jua...

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3 men are standing in front of Heaven's Door waiting to be let in when St. Peter says, "Sorry, boys, but Heaven has met their quota for the day

; however, if you tell me how you died and it is interesting enough, I will let you in."

The first man says, " I am a respectable businessman who lives with my wife in a condo on the 12th floor of The Rains Building. I suspected that my wife has been cheating on me, so I left work two hours e...

What's the best thing about building a time machine for a school project?

You can take as long as you want and still get it in by the due date.

Lucky #7

A guy wakes up on July 7th at 7am and hops on the #7 train get to his first day of work. He realizes that his office is located on 7th avenue and that the building number is 77. He counts all the money he has in his pocket and turns out that he has exactly 777$. It must be a sign. He heads to the ra...

What’s the hardest thing about jumping off a building?

The ground

At work today we got a call saying there was a bomb in the building

So me being a security guard and my friend went to go check it out. They said it was a grey bag and when we found it we saw it was full of sandwiches.

Friend: “do you see any wires?”

Me: “no”

Friend: “is it ticking?”

Me: “no it’s cheese and ham”

Irish man stuck atop a blazing building

Fireman shout “jump in the blanket Paddy, just jump in the blanket”

Irish man “not likely, you English hate the sight of us Irish, if I jump you’ll pull the blanket away”

Irish man “put the blanket on the floor then I’ll ducking jump”

The PM of Canada issued the building of a dam

The dam was finished and started working, giving the people much needed electricity. Years passed, and the PM eventually got a pet deer which he named Frenklie. When a privatisation wave had recently hit his country, the deer asked him why he wasn't giving the dam for privatisation as well. The deer...

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3 kids climb to the roof of a building when they see a genie who says: when you jump off this building, whatever you say will appear below you

The kids are skeptical, until one of the boys jumps off one side of the roof and screams “1000 PILLOWS”.

Sure enough when the kid falls, 1000 pillows appear below him to cushion his fall

The second kid excited to try it jumps off another side of the roof and screams “1000 pounds of fe...

Just watched a really interesting documentary about ship building.

Riveting.

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There are three construction workers sitting on the 20th floor of a building...

As their legs hang off the side of the building, they open up their packed lunches. The first worker looks at his sandwich and says;

"Damn it! A ham sandwich again? If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm jumping off this building!"

The second worker opens his lunch and responds;

"Y...

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