My favorite childhood memory was building sand castles with my grandpa.

Then my mom hid the urn from me.

I have a phobia of over-engineered buildings.

It's a complex complex complex.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her

I said no. I can't deal with high maintenance women

Donald Trump and Michael Pence are having a race from the roof of a very tall building. They both decide to jump down, as it’s the fastest way down. Who wins?

Society

A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building...

He yells ‟Do not do it! You’ve so much potential!”

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an Indian man, an English man, and a American are forced to jump of a building by a wizard

the wizard says you have to jump off, but while you fall whatever you say will appear below you.

the English man jumps off and says "pillows" and lands on a pile of pillows

the Indian jumps off and says "hay" and lands on a pile of hay

the American jumps off and yells "oh crap!"

Larry, a local football star, is jogging down the street when he sees a building on fire. A lady is standing on a third story ledge holding her cat in her arms.

"Hey, lady", yells Larry, "Throw me the cat!"
"No," she cries, "It's too far!"
"I play football. I can catch him!"

The smoke is pouring from the windows. The woman kisses her cat goodbye and tosses it down to the street.
Larry keeps his eye on the cat as it comes hurtling down toward...

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A construction worker on the fifth floor of a building realizes he needs a saw

He looks around him, none. He looks 5 floors down, sees a man looking up at him. He's screaming but the guy can't hear him cause of all the noise around. So he decides to use sign language.

He points to his eye meaning 'I', then he points to his knee, meaning 'need', then he makes a saw moti...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

It's a girl and weighs 7lbs 12 oz

Did you hear about that politician who objected to building another reservoir in California?

His argument didn't hold water.

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scot are working on the building site for the 2012 Olympic Games. They’ve been told that, as a perk, they’ll be given tickets, but come the day, they’re told that there are no free places left, and only athletes will be let into the ground.

Thinking quickly, the Englishman casts about amongst the debris of the build (what workman has ever ‘made good’, cleaning up after himself?)
Grabbing a length of scaffolding, he announces ‘Johnny Smith, England, pole vault,’ He is admitted.
The Scot follows his lead, scrabbles about and finds ...

What's the difference between falling in the 10th and 1st floor of a building?

In the 10th floor you go:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH \*thud\*

In the 1st floor you go:

\*thud\* AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH

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Certain japanse buildings had creaking floorboards which would alarm the guards if there were intruders.

That seems like a sound strategy to me.

I'be always been afraid of over engineered buildings

Is a complex-complex complex

I have a fear of overly intricate buildings.

I have a complex complex complex.

A man is suicidal and is about to jump off a building

“Don’t do it!” shouts another man from behind him. “God loves you and has given you life for a purpose.”

“Really?” says the suicidal man.

“Yes. Do you believe in God?”

“Yes.”

“Me too! Christian or non-Christian?”

“Christian.”

“Me too! Which denomination?”...

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

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A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich...

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The barman looks at him and says… “Hang on! You're a duck!”

"I see your eyes are working.” replies the duck.

"And you can talk!!” exclaims the barman.

"I see your ears are working, too.” says the duck. "Now if...

A building inspector for an old European town found that all buildings built between 1584 and 1750 had significant structural flaws.

Otherwise, if it ain't Baroque, don't fix it.

What is the worst you can say when you are a physics teacher and see a student about to jump from a building?

"You have so much potential, use it"

Building contractor

This building contractor dies in a tragic accident on his 40th birthday.

He ends up heaven where he's greeted at the Pearly Gates by a brass band and Saint Peter.

Saint Peter shakes the guys hand and says congratulations!

The contractor is a little confused and says congratulati...

I suck at building fences. Anyone have any tips?

Oh. I put this post in the wrong place, didn’t I?

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Bloke goes for a job on a building site

Foreman says ‘important things first, can you make a cup of tea?’
‘Yeah’ he replies
‘Good’ says the foreman, ‘can you drive a forklift?’
He says ‘Why? How bigs the fucking tea pot?’

What breed of dog can jump higher than buildings?

Any dog, buildings can't jump

Two woman riding in an elevator in a very lavish and posh building..,,

when a young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator, smelling of expensive perfume.She turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, “Romance” by Ralph Lauren, at $180.Then another young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator, and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman saying, “Chanel No. 5...

In a four story building, there live four residents, one for each floor.

On the first floor lives a Boxer. On the second, a professional football player. On the third, a blind man, and on the fourth, a beautiful woman.

One beautiful day, the woman is in the shower. She hears the doorbell ring, and she yells, “Who is it?” The person behind the door yells back, “Car...

A physicist is walking along a road when she looks up at a tall building...

She sees a man on the roof getting ready to jump and shouts out to him, "Don't do it, you have so much potential!"

An Irish, a Mexican and an American were having lunch on a scaffold on the 15th floor of a building construction.

Irish opened his lunch box and exclaimed "Colcannon again! If I have colcannon for lunch tomorrow I will jump off this scaffold"

The Mexican opened his lunch box and cried "Burritos as usual! If I have burritos one more time I will jump off too."

The American opened his lunch box and s...

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

What did the optimist say as he jumped off a building ?

So far so good

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A drunk woman was singing loudly on the street below an apartment building

A man shouts out the window, "There are American Idol auditions down the street."

The drunk woman heard this and was intrigued, "Which street?"

"Any of 'em ya cunt!"

My mum laughed at me when I told her I was building a car out of spaghetti....

You should have seen her face when I drove straight pasta!

There was a guy that jumped off a building, and lived

Then he hit the pavement

A teddy bear applies for a job at a building site...

... The foreman is a bit surprised, but the teddy bear is quite insistent, so Monday rolls around and the teddy bear is put on the payroll, and issued with a hard hat, a safety jacket, a pick and shovel.

The teddy bear works hard all day, and the foreman is pleasantly surprised. In the evenin...

What’s the difference between science and religion?

Science flies you to the moon while religion flies you into buildings.

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A communist spy and an American spy are camping out in opposite buildings on Moscow.

Each one knows the other is there but thinks the other does not know that they are there. After hours of spying each one decides they need to go out for some fresh air. However, since both would be easily recognized they decide to put on disguises. The Communist, a female, puts on an elaborate mal...

A man jumped off a ten story building ...

As he passed the fifth floor, he said, 'So far, so good.'

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like...

As a Canadian, the Presidential Debate feels like overhearing your downstairs neighbours debating about whether or not to set the building on fire.

If someone pushes you off a 100 story building, how long does it take you to get to the bottom?

The rest of your life.

A hotel business owner tried to buy a building from another company.

But they wouldn't give inn.

What is the tallest building in the world?

The library, because it has so many stories.

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"Did you hear about that firefighter who got in trouble for trying to put out burning buildings with semen?"

"Yeah, he came under fire."

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A chicken walks into a library...

The librarian lifts their gaze with a mixture of curiosity and surprise as the bird hops onto the counter. It tilts its head and, with an air of demand, clucks:

"Book!"

The librarian is taken aback at this odd display. The chicken impatiently taps one foot on the counter.

"Book,...

I was introducing a client to a new building

We were walking past a certain room, named the “Sunshine Room.”

My client asked what happens in said room, and I simply said, “I’m not sure, but I’ve seen shadowy figures in there.”

Building a tree house is the biggest insult to a tree!

"I killed one of your friends...here hold him!"

Gee I sure hope the rioters in DC don’t do anything to the IRS building

at 1111 Constitution Ave. NW, Washington, DC 20224.

My dentist has the inside of his whole building covered in posters of teeth, gums, toothbrushes etc.

God was i relieved to see that its not industry standard when I took my wife to the gynaecologist...

A reporter goes to a distant town in Alaska.

First he goes by train and then he has to ride a dog sled for several hours to get there. Upon arriving, he asks the town mayor:

"Have you considered building a train station closer to the town?"

"We have," answers the mayor, "but we eventually decided that the train station should be ...

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A building supplies company placed an ad for an experienced warehouse person for their warehouse operation...

Bright (not that he could see it) and early the next morning in walks a guy wearing dark glasses and using a white cane.

"I've come about the timber sorting position", he tells the lady at reception.

A bit taken aback, she goes to get her husband, the boss.

He takes one look at...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment building. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvio...

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So a British SAS squadron and an American Marine squadron are arguing together who are the bravest soldiers...

A British SAS squad and an American Marines squad are together in the middle of a city. The commanding officers of each group are discussing the merits of SAS vs Marines: these officers have reputations for being the strongest, toughest and most feared men in the whole of the armed forces. The Ameri...

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Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.


One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare....

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A dying mothers final wish

The mother specifically requested pictures of her right foot be sent to an address in Rhode Island.

A couple of days later, her daughter realizes that reversed pictures of her mother's *left* foot were sent instead. Unsure of the importance, but determined to fulfill her wishes, the woman tra...

Bank robber walks into the wrong building

So my friend was a bank robber before getting traumatised, he shouted "drop it" in a strip club. Longest 9 inches he's seen

I've started my own buisness building model yachts in my attic during lockdown.

Sales are going through the roof.



(I'll take my things and leave now..)

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3 window cleaners are working up a 20 story tall building

While working halfway the building 1 of them fell, obviously causing him to instantly die.

"Well fuck, that man had a wife. We need to tell him." One of the men said.

While the other man backed up and said he wasn't gonna tell her, the first man took the courage and went over to the w...

What the difference between a government building and a children’s hospital?

Don’t ask me, I just fly the drones.

Putin and Obama meet in Moscow

They're debating the merits fo their respective societies. They argue about moral values and which country is doing better.

Obama: I've heard that all Russian are alcoholics.

Putin: That's a Russophobic myth. I bet there's not a single drunk out in Moscow tonight.

Obama: I don'...

A man lost at sea is found on an island 20 years later.

The sailors that find him are surprised to see three large buildings on the island. They ask the man why he built the buildings. "This first building is my house" he says. "I was able to set up a crude aqueduct to create some form of indoor plumbing". The sailors are impressed and ask about the ...

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A guy walks into a rooftop bar and takes a seat next to a very muscular man.

He asks the man, "Wow. I didn't realize you could look that great and drink! What are you drinking?" The man responds, "Why, this is magic beer." The guy, feeling a little insulted responds, "Oh yeah? What's so magical about it?" The man stands up, walk over to the edge of the building, jumps off, a...

These dudes are building a pub on the top of these apartments.

I don’t know why they set the bar so high.

One day a physicist saw a young boy standing on the top of a high building, preparing to jump off.

So he yelled at the boy: “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a "paranoid little weirdo"

In morse code

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A man walks into a bar with a shoebox

He walks up to the bartender, sets the shoebox on the bar, and orders a beer and an empty shot glass. The bartender brings him his beer and watches as he then fills the shot glass with the beer and takes the lid off of the shoebox.

Out of the box he removes a small piano and a little bench, ...

I opened the fire exit door for a girl to run out with me out of the burning building. I kept it open for her to come.

"I have a boyfriend!"

What do you call a Pakistani man who likes standing between buildings?

Ali.

Christian, muslim and buddhist are goingto jump from a 100 story building to see which religion is the best.

The muslim jumps first and while falling he starts repeating: "praised be Allah", gets to the 30th floor while still repeating the same and then he proceeds to splat on the ground.

The buddhist goes second and jumps and starts repeating:"Buddha, Buddha, Buddha" he gets to the 60th floor and h...

Every day, I find a staircase in some building, disassemble one of the stairs, and leave with it.

I just like to take things, one step at a time.

I've spent my life savings building the world's first Apathy Bomb and it just blew up in my face.

And here I am posting OC on r/jokes. Stupid thing didn't even work.

Two cops are called to a building.

-Central, we have a homicide here, a man was killed by his wife after he walked on the recently mopped floor

-Have you made an arrest?

-No! the floor's still wet!

Did any of you hear about that deaf guy who saved a family from a burning building?

Yeah neither did he.

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What does a pig on top of the empire state building and a couple having sex next to the statue of liberty have in common?

They're both New Porkers

I take my wife goes to Hooters.

I found out my wife had never been to Hooters before so I thought I would take her there and let her see that it wasn’t all that it was made up to be. So one early afternoon we headed over to the Hooters restaurant to get a few wings. It was crowded like it always is and we were ushered to a table i...

Late one night in the USSR there is a knock at the door.

Everyone leaps out of bed. Papa goes shakily to the door.



‘It’s all right,’ he says, coming back. ‘The building’s on fire.’

Some monks came down to a small village in need of carpentry. They offered to replace all the wooden pillars and support beams in all the buildings by themselves. When the villagers asked why they were being so generous, the head monk simply replied

"Isn't it obvious? We're reposting for karma."

Do you know why there are not windows in Jehovas Witnesses' buildings?

It's so God can't see what they're doing in there.

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Newlyweds are going at it in their apartment building

That is to say they are fucking hard. But the lady was very loud.
So the next morning neighbour Jon tells the man:
"Look Mike, I'm fine with the youngs having sex, but do you mind putting some tape over her mouth so the rest of us can get some sleep?"
So Mike does. That night the young coup...

If Darth Vader lived in America, where would he live?

The Empire State Building

When building stairs

You have to take one step at a time

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I was building an impenetrable fortress and as I laid the last brick I thought to myself,

"oh shit, how am I supposed to get inside"

A man returns to his home town after a long journey to find all the floors and buildings have become human abdomens...

'this place has become a waist land' he thought to himself.

A pilot's flying a small, single-engined charter plane with a couple of really important execs on board.

He's coming into Seattle airport, only there is thick fog, less than 10ft of visibility, and his instruments are out. So he circles around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he's pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. At last, in a small opening in the fog, he ...

I have a fear of over designed buildings

It's a complex complex complex

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The Singing Blowjob

One day coming home Johnny saw a sign for Singing Blowjob.

Curious, he enters the building. Inside there is a plain desk with a glass of water on it. Nervously, he asks the good-looking woman there about the Singing Blowjob.

She immediately gets him to sit down and relax. She says yes,...

There once was a beautiful, snowy kingdom.

It was ruled by a fair king who joyfully ruled his land. Unfortunately, the kingdom was also home to a wicked thief who loved nothing more than causing mayhem for all the inhabitants of the land.

However, the thief was not your ordinary thief. He only stole bells. Any kind of bell, whether a...

A brunette, a redhead, and a blonde are in an elevator

On the floor is a puddle of white liquid.

The brunette takes a close look at the puddle. "Looks like cum" she says.

The redhead leans down and smells the puddle. "Smells like cum" she says.

The blonde puts her finger in the puddle, then licks her finger. "Not anyone in this buil...

What do arsonists and electricity have in common?

They both light up buildings

I've heard that after last night's riots in the city centre, 8 of my mum's sisters are going to be standing by some damaged buildings all night holding candles.

You can't beat vigil aunties....

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Superman was flying over metropolis and thought "Man, I am horny af."

Just then he saw Wonder Woman on top of a building getting a tan. Asshole naked with her legs spread wide open. Superman thought, " I can fly down there, get some of that Wonder pussy and fly away before she even knows." So he flies down, gets it in, gets off, and flies away. All in under a second. ...

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A guy moves into a new apartment building...

He decides to host a party to get to know his neighbours. Being the sort of person who liked to do things a little differently he throws a costume party but with a unique theme. Every guest must turn up dressed up as an emotion.

The big night finally arrives and our host is feeling nervous. W...

3 men are on a hot air balloon

3 men are on a hot air balloon but it’s losing altitude. They need to get rid of things quickly.

The first man grabs some planks of wood and throws them off the side of the balloon.

The second man throws 3 heavy rocks off of the balloon.

The last man drops a bomb off the side....

Due to COVID-19, truck dealerships have moved sales of their vehicles out of their buildings and onto the streets.

They’re calling the new service:

Curbside pickup.

What is the building opposite the Sistine Chapel?

The Fifteen Chapel.

Code PANDA!

A rookie Secret Service agent is starting his first day at the White House.

"You picked a hell of a first day!" says his boss. "The President is moving out today, and we don't know how he's going to take it. If he starts munching down cheeseburgers, killing members of staff, and then walks ou...

One day Doofenschmirtz kept delaying building his invention

He was a bit of a ProcrastINATOR

Found this on my computer science teacher's webpage

A helicopter with a pilot and a single passenger was flying
around above Seattle when a malfunction disabled all of the
aircraft's navigation and communications equipment.

Due to the darkness and haze, the pilot couldn't determine the
helicopter's position and course to get back to t...

So this guy asks the girl of his dreams to be his date for the prom and she says “Yes.”

So the guy is very ecstatic and wants to make a great impression...

So he goes to the flower shop to buy a beautiful bouquet of flowers and a corsage but the line is very long and he has to wait over an hour to buy the flowers. But he wants to make a good impression so he waits and gets the f...

Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy, “I’m gonna get the day off. I’m gonna pretend I’ve gone mad!” He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts “I’m a lightbulb, I’m a lightbulb!”

Murphy watches in amazement.

The foreman shouts: “Paddy, go home. You’ve gone mad.”

So Paddy leaves the ...

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