A woman pregnant with twins went into labor suddenly, and fell unconscious during the delivery. The hospital contacted the father and he arrived quickly, just in time to witness the birth of his children.

His wife had not woken up yet, when the hospital staff asked the father what to name his new son and daughter. They had tried for months to decide on the perfect names, but couldn’t reach an agreement, so he did the best he could. When the mother regained consciousness, the father let her know what ...

I called the doctor "My wife is going into labor! What should I do?" "Is this her first child?" he asked.

"No, this is her husband."

It was late at night and Heidi, who was expecting her second child, was home alone with her 3 year old daughter, Katelyn. When Heidi started to go into labor she called 911.

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. ...

Once I told a joke to my wife as she was in labor.

I thought I did a good job telling the joke but she told me to focus on the delivery.

I'm thinking I'm going into labor. I can't, I won't, I shouldn't've.

My contractions are getting closer together.

A woman in labor suddenly shouted, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Couldn’t! Didn’t! Can’t!”

“Don’t worry,” said the doc. “Those are just contractions.”

While my wife was in labor, I read her the front page from /r/Jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn’t seem amused...

It must have been the delivery...

In Labor

I remember when my wife was in labor and the nurse came in and said “How about Epidural Anesthesia?” I said “That’s a great idea but no thanks...We already picked out a name!”

A mans wife was in labor when the doctor said...

“You know, there is an experimental technology that can transfer your pain to the father, but he will feel the pain 10 times as much”

The husband, seeing his wife in pain hurt him too much and said, “Do it. I’m strong enough”

The doctor then did it, and the man didn’t feel a thing, whi...

Three men were waiting outside the labor ward...

A nurse came out to tell the first man: "Congratulations. You are the father of twins." "Twins!"he exclaimed "How about that? I work for the Doublemint Chewing Gum Co!"

Five minutes later, a nurse came out to tell the second man: "Congratulations. You are the father of triplets." "Triplets!" ...

"Push harder", I shouted at my wife while she was in labor.

"Screw you" she screamed back at me.

Bit harsh I thought...... it wasn't my fault the car broke down on the way to the hospital!

A CEO, a laborer, and an immigrant are at a table

the table has 20 cookies. The CEO takes 19 cookies and says to the laborer, “look out, that immigrant is trying to take your cookie!”

Today is Labor Day

So I greeted my mom a Happy Mother's day!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English Carpenter, an Irish Plumber, and a Chinese Laborer are hired to work a construction site...

The night before they start, the foreman explains “ok, the Englishman is going to build the frame, the Irishman will be running the pipes, and the Chinese guy is responsible for bringing the supplies, got it?”

The three nod, and agree to start setting up the next morning at 8am.

The fo...

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor

Johnny’s girlfriend was in labor with their first child. She was shouting out, “Get this out of me? Give me the drugs.”

She looked at him and said, “You did this to me you *******!”

He casually replied, “If you would care to remember, I wanted to stick it up your *** but you said, ‘it’...

My wife screamed in pain during labor so I asked, “What’s wrong?”. She screamed. “These contractions are going to kill me!”

“I am sorry, honey,” I replied. “What is wrong?”

A woman goes into labor...

A woman goes into labor and is taken to the hospital by her husband. They meet the doctor and the doctor says he has a new invention that will give a percentage of the labor pain from the mother to the biological father.

The woman is very excited and her husband reluctantly agrees. The woman...

My wife left me after she found out how much I’d been paying for manual labor.

Or hand jobs as she calls them.

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

Why don't local government prioritize the concerns of laborers who collect minerals in caves?

They're only miner issues.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

A couple go to a hospital to deliver their baby

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He was asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, exp...

A man is on the phone to the hospital and says that his wife in in labor

The responder asks, "Is this her first child?"

He says, "No, this is her husband"

My wife just went into labor and our doula cancelled on us.

I’m having a midwife crisis.

Why are men always happy when their wife are in labor?

It's the most painful experience of her life and she can't make him do it.

Dad joke while in labor and delivery

Wife is getting induced so we are currently at the hospital and while talking to the nurse she asked how many kids she had. To which she replied 3 as any seasoned Dad would do I decided to introduce a joke that had me cracking up in my head so I turn and look and say 3 kids with a frown that’s an od...

Liberal people support human rights and the idea that people with disabilities should have equal labor market opportunities.

Now there is a disabled guy in the White House and all they do is compalain about it.

Back in the woods, a redneck's wife went into labor in the middle of the night

And the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery. Since there was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said "Here, you hold this high so i can see what I'm doing" Soon a baby boy was brought into the world. "Whoa there," said the doctor "Don't be in a rush to put t...

When my wife was in labor with our first child I read her jokes to pass the time, but she didn’t laugh at any of them. Nevertheless I’ve persisted with telling the same lame Dad jokes during the births of each of our kids. Today she’s in labor with our fourth and I’ve finally got her laughing...

...I think I’ve really improved the delivery!

(True Story: Today is baby number four, and this is basically the same lame joke I told/posted when our last child was born. Dad jokes 4TW!)

Four Men are Waiting in the Hospital

Four men are waiting in the lobby of a hospital due to Covid while their wife’s are in labor.

A nurse walks out and tells the first man his wife just had twins. He says, “That’s funny, I work for the Minnesota Twins!”

A little later the nurse walks out and tells the second man his wi...

Americans: Happy Labor Day

Canadians: Lay bored, eh

While my wife was in labor I read her jokes to distract her from the pain, but she didn't seem amused...

**It must have been the delivery.**



edit:

* I meant to note that I originally posted this as a comment in another joke, but thought I'd try it as a stand-alone joke

* This is literally a true story. She gave birth to an amazing little girl on Tuesday evening.

A man calls 911 in a hurry. "911, what's your emergency?" the operator asks. "My wife has just gone into labor," the man tells her.

"Is this her first-born child?" asks the operator.
"No," the man replies. "This is her husband."

A musician goes into labor

To help keep her mind away from the pain and maintain her breathing, she begins counting her sheet music out loud. Her contractions gradually get stronger, when she calls out, “Oh god! The triplets are coming!”

“One and a two and a three and a!”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIFU by causing a massive fight at our families Labor Day BBQ

Now, a bit of background for you all.
Every year, my grandparents invite the entire family over to their place for their annual Labor Day barbecue.
Very rarely, my cousin Samuel decides to come along, and usually only if he's that desperate for a free meal.
Everyone in my family talks mad s...

A woman pregnant with twins goes into labor unexpectedly.

Her brother drove her to the hospital, since her husband was away on business. It was a very risky delivery, and the doctors had to put her under during the procedure.

The woman woke up and immediately asked, "Are my babies okay?"

The nurse on call said reassuringly, "Oh yes, your chi...

You know what? I love manual labor.

In fact, I could watch it all day.

An American comedian and a Chinese comedian are having a conversation

American: "I've been writing some new jokes lately, they're really funny."

Chinese: "Me too."

American: "The amount I've written is worth around 2 hours of stage time."

Chinese: "The amount I've written is worth around 30 years of labor camp time."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's Coronavirus strategy

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologist had sort of a gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.    Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring unde...

My mom who’s a postal worker told me this joke.

A couple arrived at the hospital in labor. The doctors the tell wife and husband about a revolutionary new device. It can give some of the labor pain to the biological father. The couple agreed and as the doctors are turning on the machine. They tell the husband, look this is the worst pain you will...

What do you call an underwater labor camp?

Glug Glug Gulag

A man's wife goes into labor

After hours in labor she finally gives birth to a boy who was born with nothing from the neck down but is otherwise healthy.

Regardless, the father still treats him like a regular boy. They play catch together and watch TV together. He teaches the boy about cars and how to treat women and he ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband

**A woman in labor is screaming profanity at her husband from her hospital bed. He says, "Hey, don't blame me! I wanted to stick it in your ass but N-O-O-O-O, you said that might hurt!"**

Four expectant fathers pace back and forth in a hospital waiting room while their wives are in labor.

The nurse enters and tells the first man, “Congratulations, you’re the father of twins!”



“What a coincidence,” the man says. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”



A little later, the nurse returns and tells the second man, “You are the father of triplets!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer and his laborer are out on the field doing some fencing.

The laborer says: "Uhm, farmer, it looks like rain."

Farmer: "I think you're right, go get my rubber boots for me!'

Laborer: "Do I have to?"

Farmer: "Listen, as you are more standing around than working, you have to."

The laborer goes to the farm house and enters the kitc...

Plan for Unlimited Free labor

1. Create online profile of 16 year old girl.
2. Chat with men and tell them my dad will not be home.
3. When 2 guys show up, answer the door as 'dad' with print outs of chat logs.
4. Point to piles of dirt and shovels in the yard.
5. It isn't false advertising to say that I need 2 big m...

Do me a favor, stay far from labor.

Remember, thou shalt not COVID thy neighbor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Irishman Without A Job

My uncle is an old Irishman and retired sheriff for the county. To pass the time during retirement, Uncle Bob has been working with a staffing organization for years. It’s an Irish organization that helps people of Irish descent find work.

One day, Bob gets a call from a young man named Geral...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was a man named Ray Berkowitz who, unfortunately for him, was not blessed in the looks department.

For a long time he thought he would never meet a woman. But one day he met a nice woman who was also far from pretty and they ended up getting married... and she got pregnant.

They decided that if it was a boy they were gonna name him Charles.

One day while Ray was out of town for work...

They say you should steer clear of a hippopotamus in labor...

A wide berth for a wide birth.

A man’s wife is in labor and they rush to the hospital around midday.

When they get there, the doctors inform the Man that they have experimental machines to wirelessly transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father of the child.

Then man, being a tough guy, agrees to bear some of the burden for his wife.

They start at the lowest setting of 1% b...

A goat goes into labor.

She screams "I'm dying!" Her husband asks "really?" She replies "no I'm kidding"

My wife was in labor for so long...

It felt like a maternity

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is going through labor on April 1st

Her husband is driving her to the hospital and when they get to their room, he tells the doctor that he can’t watch up close but he asks if he can stand and watch outside the window. The doctor agrees.

As the baby comes out, the husband gets excited as he sees his new child. The doctor grabs ...

What do you call a group of laboring women being interviewed?

A press conference

A woman was about to go into labor...

when the doctor revealed a revolutionary new device that could transfer some of the pain of childbirth to the father.

The woman's husband, being the nice, loyal guy he is, decided to man up and take some of the pain for his wife. The doctor started at 20%.
20% of the pain was transferred...

A husband and wife are in a hospital while the wife is starting to go into labor

Doctor: I have a new invention that will the pain from the wife to the husband, would you want to try it?

Wife: Quickly shakes her head yes.

Husband: If it’s okay with her it is okay with me.

Doctor *as he attaches some cables to the wife* : We will turn the dial to 15 percent ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy becomes a monk...

A guy goes to join an order of monks at an isolated monastery.

The head monk says to him, “This is a very strict order, we live simple lives devoted to silent prayer and physical labor. One of our requirements is a vow of silence.”

The guy nods.

The Monk continues, “You may spe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A North-Korean officer pulls out a megaphone at the North and South Korean border and yells "Kim Jong-Un is an idiot!" and gets sent to 31 years in a labor camp.

1 year for insulting the Dear Leader and 30 years for revealing a state secret.

A woman goes into labor at the hospital

The husband asks if there is anything he can do to help ease the process for his wife.

The doctor says "there is an experimental process that allows the father to endure various levels of the pain of childbirth. It's new and untested, but it's all you can do."

"I'll do it. Anything t...

One evening, after attending the theater, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well-dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them.

One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250.00 to spend the night with that woman." Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard the remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."


She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after biddin...

A mathematician and his wife in labor go into the hospital...

The wife dies while giving birth and the doctor says, "I'm so sorry, there was nothing we could have done. But now how are you going to feed your baby?" To which the mathematician replies, "don't worry, I've got the perfect formula."

Abdul and his friend Mohammed are trying to migrate to australia as skilled workers.

They go to the Australian embassy in Lahore and start filling out the application.

Mohammed goes into an interview room with an embassy officer and they start discussing his work
Experience and whether he qualifies as skilled labor. ‘So what do you do, Mohammed?’ says the embassy worker. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm.

A lone traveler needed to stop and wait out a storm. She came across a church settled near the top of a mountain far away from civilization, and decided to ask for them to lend hospitality to her. A nun greeted her at the entrance when she approached the church, and lead her inside. There, she was g...

What happens when a hospital runs out of labor and delivery nurses?

They have a mid-wife crisis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Labor

Wife during labor: i hate you so much! You did this to me! My god the pain! Ahhhhhhhh

Me: hold on now i wanted to do butt stuff, but you said it would be too painful.

A man becomes a monk..

A man becomes a monk at an abbey that requires him to work, study, and contemplate. He is allowed to speak only two words every ten years, so that they be the most consice and profound.

After the first ten years he goes through his first ceremony. He walks past the other lined disciples, knee...

There was a south pacific island village...

Far away in the south pacific, there once was an island village with the custom of electing a new chief every year. By tradition, the laborers of the village would work for months every year to create a giant, ornate bamboo throne for each new chief.

The thrones from previous chiefs began to...

A husband was with his wife who was in labor with their first child...

Things were going pretty well when she began to shout, "Shouldn't, couldn't, wouldn't, didn't, can't!"

Her husband asked, "Doctor, what's wrong with my wife?"

"She's having contractions, of course!"

My wife went into labor last night and our assigned midwife was out sick. Our 2nd choice midwife was on vacation. The only one available to assist us was a damn intern.

We were having a midwife crisis!

Woman in labor

A man is sitting with his wife in the hospital while she is in labor with his first child. While in labor, he hears her screaming, "Don't! Won't! Couldn't! Can't! Didn't!" The man then asks the doctor, "Why is she screaming those words?".
The doctor then replied, "She's having her contractions".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I think the US government developed a pregnancy fetish when they saw my paycheck

They really do fuck me hard when I've been in labor more than 40 hours in a week.

I had a terrible labor day weekend. My wife was in a horrible car crash and lost her left leg and left arm.

She's all right now.

Did you hear about the child laborers that died at the candy factory?

It was Haribo.

A heavily pregnant woman goes into labor in a retail store.

A crowd gathers around her as people struggle to help, or at least make her comfortable.

Panicked a man looks around and asks "Is anyone here a doctor?!"

From the crowd steps a man wearing skinny jeans and a plaid shirt, with short, neat hair and a scruffy beard. "I'm a vegan!"

On the day I was born, my mom went into labor, but the assistant was nowhere to be found.

She had a midwife crisis.

My wife was in labor for forty seven hours. During that time she was visited by friends, families, neighbours....

So I heard

I'm thinking of starting a business will use free child labor in exchange for temporary housing.

Although I don't know if I can compete with the Girl Scouts...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman is in labor and about to have a baby.

Her husband is pacing around the room, frantically, and becoming a nuisance for the staff. It is requested that he stay in the waiting room, until things are calmer.
So the father is in the waiting, anxiously, debating his new responsibility. Most suddenly, the doors fly open, the doctor comes ...

America is in labor now

Soon we will know if it's a boy or a girl.

A woman goes into labor with twins.

She all alone, no husband, but excited to meet her son and daughter. Unfortunately, she has a massive stroke during delivery and falls into a coma*.

She wakes up, miraculously, five years later! She has a million questions: are her babies ok? Who has them? How long has it been?! When she lea...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

Today Americans celebrate Labor Day

By not working and expecting to get paid for it.

Wife is going into labor

A couple are rushing into the hospital because the wife is going into labour.
As they walk, a doctor says to them that he has invented a machine that splits the pain between the mother and father.
They agree to it and are led into a room where they get hooked up to the machine.
The doctor s...

A Woman Goes Into Labor...

...Her husband rushes her to the hospital. The delivery is taking much longer than usual and is exceptionally painful. The normal pain killers aren't working, so the doctor approaches the husband with a revolutionary new device. The device would transfer increments of the wife's pain to the Father o...

A married couple rushes to the hospital...

because the wife is going into labor. When they arrive, the doctor tells them that the hospital is looking for couples to try out this new machine that transfers a percentage of the mother‘s pain to the father during childbirth. The couple readily agrees to use it.

When the birthing process s...

A guy gets a call his wife is in labor...

He rushes off to the hospital, but gets stuck in traffic. By the time he gets to the hospital his wife has already had the baby. So he heads down to the nursery to see his new baby. He sees his child sleeping and a nurse walks up and ask, " is this your baby?" The nurse picks up the baby and holds t...

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