An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

If APPLE ever designed a car...

...would it have WINDOWS?

I have a fear of over designed buildings

It's a complex complex complex

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Everyone knew that the man who designed the titanic had a lisp

They just misunderstood his answer when they asked him about the possibility of an accident at sea.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

I designed a car, it is good, but it can not go backwards.

I guess i am not that good at reverse engineering

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

TIL that after recording for Mulan, Eddie Murphy designed a line of sneakers for cows.

They were called Moo Shoes.

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

I hear Apple is designing a new car

but they are having trouble installing the windows

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

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City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day

**Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?

**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope

I hate the new design of the quarter.

Then again, I have never liked change.

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

DESIGNER DOGS

These days there are all kind of designer dogs : Yorkiepoos, Goldendoodles, Puggles. etc.
Growing up, we called them Mutts

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

Why did the game designer get moved from the writing team to the development team?

Because they had poorgrammar skills.


Please clap

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

I have a friend who's a Russian sound designer.

I have a Czech one, too.

I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

Dave and Colin had a friendly rivalry spanning many years. They played a drinking game where they would catch a mosquito each, knock it out and put it in their left ear. The first mosquito to wake up designated the winner. As I watched one night Dave jumped up, pointed at his friends glass and said

Fill Colins! I can feel it humming in my ear tonight

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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Eleventh Husband

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom? "How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales represen...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress un...

I read that the Welsh invented the condom in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep’s intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design...

It sure is a wedge issue!

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designe...

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

I'm pretty sure whoever designed humans got input from Steve Jobs.

Why else would they call the flaps of skin on your eyes "iLids"?

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

A Woman Was Redecorating Her House

But when it came time to choose her window curtains, she was torn between two different shades of blue. One set was a darker shade - which matched the sofa, and the other was a lighter shade - which matched the chair. No matter how she tried to justify one over the other, she could not come to a dec...

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

Why was Peter parker promoted in his IT job?

Because ever since the spider bit him he became the best at web designing

One way streets are really poorly designed.

I mean yes they have clearly marked "one way" signs but every sign I've ever seen has been backwards and no one seems to read it anyway I always have oncoming traffic.

Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

Did you hear about the fire at the Designer Shoe Warehouse?

Countless soles were lost.

Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Seems nice. He's a web designer

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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.


NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

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Making yachts during the coronavirus lockdown

I have a friend named Pete who makes yachts for a living. Pete was quite worried about the virus as he thought not many people would be in the market for one of his nice boats. His yachts are big, sturdy, and beautiful, but primarily they're designed for big groups of people. Who's going to want to ...

The National Council on Psychic Research has officially designated this to be true

The
experience of changing planes in New York now officially counts as a near-death experience

Engineers take a bow!

During the development of a new jet fighter aircraft the wings on the prototypes kept snapping off where they joined the fuselage. The test-pilots who only barely survived by ejecting in time were terrified. No amount of re-design seem to solve the problem, so the aircraft company in desperation off...

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car.

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. So he could keep track of the different models, he gave a different letter to each model.

The first time, he could only get the car to go 135 mph. Thinking he could do better, he redesigned the car, tried again, and made the car go 14...

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

This lockdown is not bad as it seemed

Today I had a great chat with a web designer.

Can you guys believe, the guy lived in my attic the whole time!

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A tube of toothpaste is a real asshole design.

You can get the stuff out, but you can't get it back in.

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

Thanks to the innovative and powerful cheese grater design of the new mac pro...

...People can finally become Mac Cook Pros

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First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.


Husband : What? You had three divorces before.


Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.


Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.

And the third was an engineer. He wante...

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A broke girl goes to get a tattoo

She sits down, chooses the design she wants to get tattooed.

The artist happily obliges and does an amazing job.

Upon being asked for payment the girl tells she has nothing to pay.

Shockingly, the artist says "that's not a problem, just show me a tit and consider it paid, you kn...

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

Did you hear about the ISIS graphic designer?

He was handed some selfies and asked to blow them up.

When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

Australians are geniuses.

One night, a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fu...

How many conservation officers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Change?! What do you mean, "change"?

(Credit Grand Designs)

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

I have designed a website for orphans

there isn't a home page

I got a Gucci tattoo on my ball sack

I've got a designer bag now

My neighbour used to sell Ukranian eggs.

If you don't know what those are, it's when you draw on eggs with wax and then soak them in coloured dyes to create special designs. It's an art form called Pysanky - you should look it up.


He used to sell them out of a little stall in his front garden. I never really saw many people bu...

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

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A woman visited an Amazonian tribe on a research trip...

She spent several days taking notes on the lifestyle and habits of the tribe and interviewing their ruler, King Paolo, via an interpreter. As the tribe's land was near several rich gold mines, the king and his people were extremely wealthy.

During the woman's time with him, the king fell hop...

What is the most common job amongst spiders?

web designer

How do you satisfy a graphic designer in the bedroom?

Bring out the GIMP

Why is Radon the designated driver?

Because Hydrogen and Helium are always too high

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

Tesla's new car smell.

I heard they designed a special new car smell just for Tesla's.

They call it Elons musk.

I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in graphic design

I have over 300 confirmed designs and don't have a single job...

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

A dad came to meet his son at his job and gets all emotional

Dad: I can't believe you're all grown up now. It's like just yesterday when you used to sit with that stupid computer game thingy all day

Son: Dad, I still work as a VFX designer

So every Friday night this one bar in town gets a big crowd of VERY drunk people.

So knowing that people drink and drive from this bar a cop waits across the street to catch people. So 15 minutes before last call a guy walks out from the bar stumbling and falling over on his way to his car. The cop sees this and also sees him take about 2 minutes just to get his key in the igniti...

Elon Musk has a plan to design electronic grass for Mars

He’s calling it an E-Lawn.

My friend, who's a shirt designer said he makes shirts in 45 seconds.

But I knew he was fabricating lies.

What do you call a designer horse?

Gucci mane

Wife asked me to take out a spider instead of killing it...

So I did, hit a few bars, dude is cool, wants to go into web design.

Russian spacecrafts designed in 1960s don't come around often

Soyuz them wisely.

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My weird boss has designated bathroom-break times for all his employees, and now it’s my turn.

I don’t need this shit.

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Designated driver?

Yesterday I went out with a few friends. We got into a bar and had a few drinks.

I was over my limit and we call it a night after a few shots.

Surely it wasn't a good idea.

Knowing that I was completely drunk, I've done something that I never done before: I went home by Taxi....

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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

2 women argue over who designed the human body

2 long time friends meet up at a bar and have some drinks when the conversation turns to who designed the human body.

Women 1 is a mathematician and argued as such a mathematician must have

Women 2 is a scientist and as such argued that due do science and stuff it must have been a sc...

My taxi driver asked me what I did for a living.

Me: work as a web developer and also part time as a graphic designer.

Driver: I don't like working for anyone, I like to be my own boss.

Me: that's cool, turn left ahead after the signal.

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

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What could possibly be making such a seductive sound?

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, “My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?”

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he he...

I hate being the designated driver.

My friends need to get better at golf.

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