The first female president

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.

She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"

"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive,...

Have you guys heard about the deaf fashion designer?

Whenever he watched anything, he needed clothed captions!

Why do fashion designers never have any good ideas?

They're too clothes minded.

An engineer dies and goes to hell.

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor is jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to t...

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

If APPLE ever designed a car...

...would it have WINDOWS?

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

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I designed an inflatable dildo.

But it was a flop.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

Everyone knew that the man who designed the titanic had a lisp

They just misunderstood his answer when they asked him about the possibility of an accident at sea.

I have a fear of over designed buildings

It's a complex complex complex

Poor planning?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The l...

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

Dam I wish I'd thought of it first

A rabbit and a beaver is sitting staring at the Hoover Dam.
The rabbit says, "Did you really build it?"
The beaver responds, "I didn't actually build it, but it is based on my design."

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

I hear Apple is designing a new car

but they are having trouble installing the windows

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

I designed a car, it is good, but it can not go backwards.

I guess i am not that good at reverse engineering

Jesus and Satan are having a contest

They want to see who is the best programmer.

So the first challenge is screens. It's a tie.

Then Assembly. Tie again.

Web Design. Tie again.

Challenge after challenge nobody is winning. So after like five days the power fails. So they wait for it to come back on. Th...

What kind of career would a spider excel in?

Web design
Hehehe

Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

Arthur Davidson, of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, died and went to heaven.

At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."


Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."


St. Pete...

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

It was closing time at the bar

It was closing time at the bar and across the street sat a police officer in his cruiser hoping to pick up someone for a DUI. As people were starting to leave the officer saw one man absolutely hammered with his car keys in hand stumbling towards his vehicle, as everyone got in their cars and were l...

Money cant buy you happiness.

But I'd rather have my tears hit designer Bugatti leather than the composite foam in my car.

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

TIL that after recording for Mulan, Eddie Murphy designed a line of sneakers for cows.

They were called Moo Shoes.

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

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City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day

**Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?

**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope

I hate the new design of the quarter.

Then again, I have never liked change.

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

Wind Turbines

We all know wind turbines are good for the environment, but what if we designed a bine that could be used all four seasons?

DESIGNER DOGS

These days there are all kind of designer dogs : Yorkiepoos, Goldendoodles, Puggles. etc.
Growing up, we called them Mutts

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3 Guys in hell

This is the story of an engineer from intel, a guy from the pentagon, and a small skateboarder all three ended up in hell after signing a contract with the devil himself

so he says to them

\- I will give each of you a chance to go to paradise, but beware, no second chance, it's eith...

Yoda is piloting a 747...

Radio tower: Flight 90 you seem to be veering away from your designated flight path. Stay on course. Over.

Yoda: Instrument panels, working not.

Radio tower: Flight 90, stay on course. Is everything okay? Over.

Yoda: Too many clouds, there are.

Radio tower: Flight 90. Ma...

I found some dusty old boxes in my closet and in them were old family relics. My great-great grandfather's World War One helmet was the first thing I saw...

There was also my grandmother's surgical gear when she was a nurse in the local hospital and countless heirlooms I can't possibly list all of which.

Then, I got to the one that sparked the most memories: My grandfather's most prized collection!!

Every day since January 1st, 1949, he co...

I'm worried that my designer girlfriend might be pregnant...

...false alarm, she was just fashionably late again

Why did the game designer get moved from the writing team to the development team?

Because they had poorgrammar skills.


Please clap

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His First Time

“Now listen very carefully,” said the millionaire to the architect designing his new house. “Whatever you do, I don’t want that tree disturbed over there. It brings back fond memories.”

“Why’s that?” asked the architect.

“That’s where I had sex for the first time. And don’t touch that ...

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

What do you call a fly designed by Bethesda?

A T-pose.

Chunks

My friend was just promoted at his job, so he wanted to go celebrate at the bar. Being the good friend, I said: "Sure, I'll be the designated driver and you can drink as much as you want!" He drank and drank and drank all night long! When he was barely able to stand up and walk, I decided it's t...

A German police car is stopping a slow driving car on the Autobahn.

The police officer gets out and asks the motorist why he is driving that slow.

"Well, I drive the speed as of the Autobahn's designation number.", replies the motorist.

P: "So, on the A25 you're doing..."

M: "25, yes. My speedometer gives out the exact number, so I try to maint...

I have a friend who's a Russian sound designer.

I have a Czech one, too.

A lady walked into a tattoo parlor and said, "Can you do a tattoo of a turkey on my right inner thigh and one of a Christmas tree on my left inner thigh?"

"Sure,* the tattoo artist said. "But if you
don't mind me asking, why did you choose
those two designs?"
The lady smiled. "My husband' she explained. "He says there's never anything to eat
between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

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A man suffered from a chronic hellish headache

He went to see a doctor who, after the usual exams, said:

- My friend, I have good and bad news. The good thing is that I can cure you of this headache forever. The bad news is that to do that I'll have to castrate you! Your testicles are pressing on your spine, and that pressure causes a he...

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

I've been stuck in Rome for a few weeks now...

I'm trying to leave, but all the roads have this weird design flaw...

It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design...

It sure is a wedge issue!

What kind of doctor also specializes in interior design?

A roomatologist.

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out. Had a few drinks. Nice guy. He’s a web designer.

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and is almost inclined to leave again, since the place appears to be way beyond his budget. The in design is spot on and as fancy as can be, in the corner there is a little person playing the piano perfectly and every liquor, beer or other beverage you could name are all on offer. Also there are...

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

I'm pretty sure whoever designed humans got input from Steve Jobs.

Why else would they call the flaps of skin on your eyes "iLids"?

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

A cop was sitting outside the local bar because he needed to meet his quota...

A man stumbles out of the bar toward the parking lot so the cop starts to move in.

The man fumbles with his keys and tries to push them into the lock then drops them onto the ground. He blindly reaches down and grabs them. Tries the lock again and opens the car door.

He slumps down in...

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

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A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

If lawyers are disbarred and priests are defrocked, then...

Electricians are delighted

Corpses are decrypted

Cowboys are deranged

Models are deposed

Underwear models are debriefed

Dry cleaners are depressed, decreased and depleted

Jilted women are debrided

HVAC technicians are deducted

Tennis linemen ar...

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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.


NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

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So a Volkswagen Beetle meets a tank.

Tank: "What moron designed you? Your heart is in your ass!"

Beetle: "Look who's talking, dickhead!"

Did you hear about the fire at the Designer Shoe Warehouse?

Countless soles were lost.

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

One way streets are really poorly designed.

I mean yes they have clearly marked "one way" signs but every sign I've ever seen has been backwards and no one seems to read it anyway I always have oncoming traffic.

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A man walks into a hardware store...

you know the type, the independent store that barely survives and sells EVERYTHING, but rarely has a customer, how they are still trading is a miracle. Anyway, the man approaches the counter and asks the shopkeeper "I need a budgie file".

"A budgie file?" The shopkeeper muses out-loud, "not h...

I have designed a website for orphans

there isn't a home page

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car.

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. So he could keep track of the different models, he gave a different letter to each model.

The first time, he could only get the car to go 135 mph. Thinking he could do better, he redesigned the car, tried again, and made the car go 14...

Engineer in Hell

An engineer dies and goes to hell. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements.. After a while, they've got air conditioning, flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy. One day God calls Sa...

I read that the Welsh invented the condom in the Middle Ages by using a piece of sheep’s intestine.

The English later improved the design by taking it out of the sheep first.

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

Thanks to the innovative and powerful cheese grater design of the new mac pro...

...People can finally become Mac Cook Pros

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First time

Wife : Be gentle, it is my first time in bed.


Husband : What? You had three divorces before.


Wife : My first husband was a philosopher. He only talked about it.


Second was a gynaecologist. He just kept looking at it.

And the third was an engineer. He wante...

Did you hear about the ISIS graphic designer?

He was handed some selfies and asked to blow them up.

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

When I realized that the play sucks, I quietly resigned from my job as a stage designer.

I didn’t want to make a scene.

I asked a tattoo artist to tattoo a picture of a pigeon into my pubic region.

He took a look at the picture and agreed to do it for $120.

It looked amazing. So, a couple weeks later, I went back and asked him to give me a matching tattoo on my palm. He looked again at the picture and said, “That will be $240.”

I said, “Why the price jump? You did the exact same...

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Coronavirus alerts across the world

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent virus threat and have therefore raised their threat level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, level may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross."

The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when t...

An American tourist is traveling in Thailand and stops over in a small border village for a meal. While the inside of the restaurant is rather small and modest, it does have a beautifully designed ant farm covering most of one wall. Curious, he asks the old man running the restaurant about it.

“Ah,” says the old man. “I use the ant eggs to make a dish called maengman chom. The Cambodians who visit here especially love it; they spend so many riel on it that I had that display made to show off the ants. It’s a specialty of mine; would you like to try some?”

“Ant eggs are a little exo...

I once sold my toucan to a power plant.

I once sold my toucan (ya know, the type of tropical bird), whose name was Drea, to a power plant. I was told he'd simply be entertainment for the workers, sort of like a pet. Eventually, however, our local PETA caught wind of this and intervened. Drea was sent to a nearby bird shelter, where my ...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

One for the classical music fans [OC]

For those who aren't, Herbert von Karajan was an acclaimed symphony conductor in the 20th century. You need to know that his name is pronounced approximately "KAHRY-on."

Not many people know it, but the maestro actually had a second career outside of music, he was a successful luggage designe...

A Woman Was Redecorating Her House

But when it came time to choose her window curtains, she was torn between two different shades of blue. One set was a darker shade - which matched the sofa, and the other was a lighter shade - which matched the chair. No matter how she tried to justify one over the other, she could not come to a dec...

How do you satisfy a graphic designer in the bedroom?

Bring out the GIMP

Did you hear that Heaven’s web designer quit his job?

He felt it was wrong to tamper in God’s domain.

Why was Peter parker promoted in his IT job?

Because ever since the spider bit him he became the best at web designing

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The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

Why is Radon the designated driver?

Because Hydrogen and Helium are always too high

I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in graphic design

I have over 300 confirmed designs and don't have a single job...

Quarantine going good so far

I met a spider last night. Pretty cool guy. Talked to him a bit, he said he works as web designer.

I got a Gucci tattoo on my ball sack

I've got a designer bag now

Struck up a conversation with a spider today at home while dusting.

Seems nice. He's a web designer

While visiting a friend in the hospital, a young man notices several gorgeous nurses, each one of them wearing a pin designed to look like an apple. “What does the pin signify?” he asks one of them.

“Oh, nothing,” she says with a chuckle. “We just use it to keep the doctors away.”

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