What do you call a pirate who designs houses?

An arrrgchetect

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

How does a person with Phd in graphic designing save the dying person on the plane

As PDF

In a conversation with my beautiful red haired graphic designer of a girlfriend if she could help me with some creative ideas for a novel I am working on...

...and as she always does, with a gentle smile and her head rested on my lap as we sit and watch parks and recreation box set on Netflix for the 3rd time. Her voice gently breaks in her soft Irish accent as she simply says "my darling boyfriend, your imagination is so vast and so great, you do not n...

What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime?

Editable.

Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size?

The mosque

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During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

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I’ve designed a bathroom stall door that will open for everyone except British detectives.

It’s called a No Shit, Sure-Lock.

An engineer dies

An engineer dies and reports to the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter checks his dossier and, not seeing his name there, accidentally sends him to Hell.

It doesn’t take long before the engineer becomes rather dissatisfied with the level of comfort in Hell. He soon begins to design and build improvem...

Who designed the human body?

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body.

One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints!"

Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connectio...

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

I’m designing a coffee maker that tells you a joke as it’s percolating.

I call it the Brew-HaHa.

A new set designer was hired at the filming company.

He was fired shortly after for making a scene.

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LEGO bricks are like boobs...

...They're designed for kids, but it's the grown-ups who have more fun with them. Oh, and it hurts when someone steps on them.

I know a man who says he designed a labyrinth, got imprisoned in it, and then escaped using wings made of wax.

But I wonder whether he really Daedalus things he claims to have done.

Why hasn't Apple finished designing their car?

They realized they had to install windows.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

The year is 2020 and the United States has just elected the first woman, from Alabama , as president.

A few days after the election the president-elect calls her father and says,

'So, Daddy, I assume you will be coming to my inauguration?'

'I don't think so. It's a 16 hour driv...

What do you call designer pasta?

J.C Penne

My wife told me to take the spider out instead of killing him.

Went out, had a few drinks. Nice guy. He's a web designer.

Who designed the round table of King Arthur?

Sir Cumference

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

Tech company mission statements be like

We're a customer centric organization and we deliver the value of IOT, cloud, big data, blockchain, machine learning, and artificial intelligence by using design thinking to drive digital transformation for the connected enterprise.

Did you know that Eiffel Tower was named after the engineer who designed and built the tower?

Mr. Gustave Tower.

I tried to design a facial recognition system.



But it just wasn't me.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?" ...

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

A new guy starts work at a bakery.

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

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The young woman who submitted the tech support message presumably did it as a joke. Then she got a reply that was way too good to keep to herself.

The query:
Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications and intimacy, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 unin...

Mikhail Kalashnikov visits the United States (based on true story)

For the first time, the legendary father of the AK-47 visits the United States. On his first day there he goes to a shooting range and meets up with Eugene Stoner, the father of America's M16. They discuss the advantages and disadvantages of each of their creations to which Eugene Says:

"My ...

A woman decides to surprise her husband with a brand new luxury wardrobe...

While he's at work she goes to IKEA and finds a beautiful wardrobe, buys it, and returns home. Reading the instructions, she easily assembles the marvelous piece of furniture

Then, as she stood satisfied about her work, a bus passed by the window and the whole wardrobe fell apart. Stunned, ...

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He’s hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from plce to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the ...

Announcing the new Built-in Orderly Organized Knowledge device, otherwise known as the BOOK.

It's a revolutionary breakthrough in technology: no wires, no electric circuits, no batteries, nothing to be connected or switched on. It's so easy to use even a child can operate it. Just lift its cover. Compact and portable, it can be used anywhere -- even sitting in an armchair by the fire -- yet...

Three Engineers are eating lunch together and arguing.

The mechanical engineer is adamant that God must be a mechanical engineer because the human body is so well designed. The software engineer is just as sure that God must be a software engineer as the human mind is the most sophisticated software in the known universe. Suddenly they stop arguing and ...

Why do fashion designers never have any good ideas?

They're too clothes minded.

Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

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A cop waits for a bar to close and watches for drunks to drive off...

The first man out the door stumbles, wanders around looking for his car, then drops the keys under his car and starts crawling around looking for them. The cop, knowing if he waits until the guy finds his keys and pulls out he'll have a DUI arrest, sits and watches him for a while. Eventually the ma...

How Drunk Are You?

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb and try his keys on five different cars before he found his. The man sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for seve...

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Old joke my uncle likes to tell: There’s a policeman hanging around outside a bar near closing time to catch any drunk drivers…

As the bar closes for the night, he sees a man come out who looks extremely wasted. The man stumbles all over the place, drops his keys, and has trouble finding his car. As the cop is watching him stumble around, all of the other patrons get in their vehicles and leave. The man finally gets in his c...

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

Have you guys heard about the deaf fashion designer?

Whenever he watched anything, he needed clothed captions!

Thomas Edison stole the design for a film-playing box from Tesla. Tesla confronted Edison about it, but instead of apologizing he accused Tesla of trying to steal his idea.

Classic case of projection

If spiders went to college what would be their favorite class?

Web design

A Chemist, an Engineer, an Electrician and an IT guy get stranded on the side of the road after their car break down...

It’s the dead of winter and the wind chill is below freezing. One of them gets off the phone with the towing company, “they said it’s going to be at least two hours.” They all stay in the car.


After a few minutes the Chemist tells the other three, “I’m pretty sure I know what happened......

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10 Husbands, Still a Virgin.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, ‟Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin.”

‟What?” said the puzzled groom.

‟How can that be if you've been married ten times?”

‟Well, Husband #1 was a sal...

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I designed an inflatable dildo.

But it was a flop.

I have a fear of over designed buildings

It's a complex complex complex

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

I designed a car, it is good, but it can not go backwards.

I guess i am not that good at reverse engineering

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

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So I was in a wood carving class the other day.

I was making a piece, but I just couldn't seem to be able to find the right kind of knife, so I decided to make my own. After about 2 weeks of working, I had the perfect knife, and I brought it to the instructor of the woodworking class. "Wow." He said, "That's quite a cutting edge design."

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

What's Spiderman's favorite hobby?

Web designer

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

Steve is in his car driving on the highway by the ocean in California...

...when he stops and asks God for just 1 wish for being a super faithful and good human being. God instantly appears and tells Steve that he has earned the right for one wish.

Steve: I wish for a bridge from here to Hawaii so that I can drive there and have a great time

God: Ehhhh! You...

It is early January of 1793. The commotion outside of the Castle of Versailles is growing louder by the minute. Louis XVI, however, is not bothered, as he is getting his new suit matched, pleated and frilled in his chambers by his favorite tailor.

"Ah yes, Poilon, superb work with the gold thread on my boot leather as per usual. And now: the silk pants with Morocco pearls."

"Y-your Majesty... I think they're breaking down the front wall."

"Nonsense! Clothe me or I shall have you beheaded!"

"Absolutely, your majesty! There...

The British are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats

and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Brits have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome"...

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

I hate the new design of the quarter.

Then again, I have never liked change.

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A guy changing at the gym...

A guy changing at the gym answers the phone, as he’s getting dressed, naturally he just puts it on speaker, the female voice is heard
“Hey Honey, I’ve just found this beautiful designer coat and it’s on sale for £2,000 do you mind if I get it”
The guy says “well if you love it so much then yea...

How do you describe a guy who loves knitting but only does the manliest designs?

Male pattern boldness.

"Social Distancing" is a strategy designed to protect you from someone coughing close to you.

So make sure you let everyone know to far cough.

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A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens t...

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City Planner: this intersection design would result in multiple, severe collisions every day

**Hot Wheels Creator:** dope, right?

**City Planner:** *[nodding]* super fuckin dope

What do you call the sniper in a squad of Antifa supersoldiers?

The designated Marxman!

Did you hear about the architect who had an unhealthy obsession with designing intricate shopping malls?

He had a complex complex complex.

What does a biologist wear on a first date?

Designer Genes

Never funny

when a spider isn't hired as a web-designer

A man finds a bottle with a genie inside. *poof* “I will grant you one wish, what is thy bidding master?” “I want a freeway to Hawaii from Santa Barbara with a tollbooth that only I can enter!”

The genie scoffs. “Foolish mortal, that is not possible, even for a genie like myself. The logistics of designing and building such a thing over thousands of miles of open ocean is ludicrous, please wish for something else.”

The man thinks for a moment. “Hmmm, then I wish that I could actuall...

Dad dates a lot of Denise’s

So true story that I laugh about from time to time: as I sit here on the thrown I thought would share with the world...

My father dated three woman for various years but they just so happen to have the same name... Of course we noticed this poked fun at him about it but these are years apart...

TIL that after recording for Mulan, Eddie Murphy designed a line of sneakers for cows.

They were called Moo Shoes.

In light of the multiple recent crashes of its airplanes, Boeing announced a revolutionary new aircraft design made out of rubber.

Now, it won't crash. It'll just go, Boeing Boeing Boeing.

The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

DESIGNER DOGS

These days there are all kind of designer dogs : Yorkiepoos, Goldendoodles, Puggles. etc.
Growing up, we called them Mutts

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

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A businessman has designed a clock which moves one minute forward whenever it hears someone swear. To test it, he decided to set it up in three bars different bars.

First he went to a Japanese bar and anonymously set up the clock on one of the walls.

A day later, he returns to that bar to see that the clock is only one minute too early from the current time.

He repeats the process, but now in an American bar.

A day later he returns to see t...

I have designed a website for orphans

there isn't a home page

I have a friend who's a Russian sound designer.

I have a Czech one, too.

Why did the game designer get moved from the writing team to the development team?

Because they had poorgrammar skills.


Please clap

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

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[NSFW] A HR employee was sent an anonymous dick pic within the company network

Right away, she called the Packaging Design Manager. The man was shocked. "How did you know it was me?!"

She pointed to the caption on the picture: "Enlarged to Show Texture".

Question: “How many Apple employees does it take to change a light bulb?”

Answer: “Seven. One to change the bulb and six to design the T-shirt.”

It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design...

It sure is a wedge issue!

What kind of doctor also specializes in interior design?

A roomatologist.

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

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What does a person study to design sex toys?

Graphic design.


NB: This is the first joke I ever come up with

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

Have you heard of the new Apple Product designed to protect your eyes?

It's called iLid

A mother decides to do something about her noisy children.

A mother is raising several children. The problem is, at least one of them is always being loud and the others want things quiet.

She has two rooms at the end of the hallway of her house; one on the left side and one on the right side. She decides to designate one room for being noisy, and th...

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Mr Simpson owned a high end clothing store.

One day, just around closing up, a pretty young woman walks in, browses for a bit and ends up staring at a very expensive designer dress standing proudly in the centre of the store.
Mr Simpson notices, quietly walks up beside her and says 'it's a beauty, isn't it?'
She glances at him, sighs ...

Dave and Colin had a friendly rivalry spanning many years. They played a drinking game where they would catch a mosquito each, knock it out and put it in their left ear. The first mosquito to wake up designated the winner. As I watched one night Dave jumped up, pointed at his friends glass and said

Fill Colins! I can feel it humming in my ear tonight

I'm pretty sure whoever designed humans got input from Steve Jobs.

Why else would they call the flaps of skin on your eyes "iLids"?

The test

Students in a design school were doing the final test. The assingment was to design some piece of furniture. They started. Someone was designing a couch, someone a bed, but one student was drawing a bunch of dolls in a strait line. The proffesor was surprised and he asked the student if he knew what...

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What do you call a road vehicle designed to carry a large amount of fuck-ups?

A blunderbuss

Did you hear about the fire at the Designer Shoe Warehouse?

Countless soles were lost.

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

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