UPJOKE
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Sad news....I lost my job as a stage designer,

I wasn't very happy but left without making a scene.

a graphic designer, an astrophysicist, a dentist and an electrician walk into a bar

it was queen and they were playing their first gig

Designated

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular bar, hoping for a bust. At closing time everyone come out and he spotted his potential quarry. The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for his car.

After trying hi...

I just finished designing a website for an orphanage

There isn't a home page

Software architects should never design high security fences.

They’re likely to make them highly scalable.

Completed in 1856, Big Ben was designed by architects Charles Barry and Augustus Welby Pugin and took 13 years to build.

Which is crazy long considering they were working around the clock.

I have a fear of overly designed buildings.

A complex complex complex

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Apple woke up their lead designer in the middle of the night

To ask him about ideas for the new iPhone.
The disgruntled designer told them "Jack off".
The marketing department found the idea fantastic.

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A sailor who just finished his training boarding his designated ship

The captain awaits on the boat and tells him


"let me show you around"

they starts walking around the ship and the captain says:

"this here is your cabin, you will be sleeping here with another 4 crew mates"

They kept walking and the captain kept explaining everyt...

People get impressed when I tell them my home is designed by a famous Italian.

Until I invite them home and they realize I live in a Fiat.

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A tube of toothpaste is a real asshole design.

You can get the stuff out, but you can't get it back in.

What do you call a gigachad UX designer?

Figma male

I want to design a pencil with an eraser on both ends.

People say it’s pointless though.

The band Static X just designed a lawn mower

Yeah... you push it.

Starbucks and Victoria's Secret are collaborating on a new line of designer lingerie.

Coffee cups.

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Did you see the toilet Picasso designed?

It was a masterpiss.

Do you know what happens when your designer jeans get tangled in the dryer?

Guess knot

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

Human Design

Three engineers went out for drinks after work. An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a civil engineer. They rehashed their respective jobs, complained about the hours and all agreed about insane expectations and demands of clients. After a couple drinks they started loosening up, discus...

Three engineering students were discussing how God designed the human body.

The first one says, "God must be a mechanical engineer. Just look at the muscles and joints."

The second one says, "No, God is an electrical engineer. See all those neurons."

The third one said, "Actually, God is a civil engineer. Who else runs a toxic waste pipeline through a recreati...

Amber Heard had an argument with her interior designer.

They could not decide on where to place the stool in the bedroom.

Who designed King Arthur’s Round Table?

Sir Cumference.

Guys I designed my own knife

It uses cutting edge technology





(Also blue cheese)

Seven wise men, with knowledge so fine, made something special of their design.

The first was a butcher, all full of wit. With some meat and a knife, he made a small slit.

The second, a blacksmith, quite strong and quite bold, hit the slit with a hammer and made a hole.

The third was a tailor, quite tall and quite thin. With a piece of red ribbon, he lined it with...

I patented a design that would till the earth as it cut the grass

But no one wanted to buy my Hoe-Mow

As part of an urban planning experiment, a group of stoners are tasked with designing a small American city...

They decide that there should be both a Denny's and a good Denny's.

You know, there was this IQ test designer suffering from the worst writer's block

He'd make decent progress, working out patterns like 'circle-3, triangle-2...' but no matter what, he always found himself going back to 'square-1'.

An engineer, a physicist, and a mathematician are asked to design a fence.

The fence is required to contain as much land as possible for the least amount of fence material.

The engineer says "easy, just make a circular fence"

The physicist says, "wait a second! If you build the fence across the equator you'll have an even higher area/fence ratio!"

The ...

Why did the architect get fired for his library design?

Because It only had one Story.

Putin is so desperate that he's now sending interior designers to the battlefield

They are planning a carpet bombing.

Sad News: The founder of /r/jokes has passed away

RIP Larry Tesler, the UI designer that created Cut, Copy and Paste, died age 74

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how do we know God was a civil engineer when he designed the human body?

who else would put a sewage plant next to the amusement park?

Applied for a job designing paralax layers...

...Failed the background test.

I've been stuck in Rome for the past 3 weeks

All their roads have this weird design flaw.

What do cheap hotels and designer jeans have in common?

No ballroom

A famous car designer...

A famous car designer was about to retire at the age of 64 due to health concerns. For all his life, he had strived for perfection in his craft of designing cars, specifically for Kia. In each of his 32 models, he was instrumental in some innovation or vastly improved function.

He called for ...

What do you call a pirate who designs houses?

An arrrgchetect

Dolly Parton no longer speaks to her bra designer.

Not since the two fell out.

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Designer dog breeds

So they have all sorts of new designer dog breeds out there now. Things like the Labradoodle, Goldendoodle, and a Puggle. I have a dog that's a mix between a dachshund and a Shih Tzu, they call it Dachshit.

I'm an anaesthetist that moonlights as a meal designer for French Celiacs

I love to leave people pain free

My kid's doing his masters' thesis on ancient Egypt plumbing design

He's a Pharaoh faucet major

What is the controlling design factor for the ceiling of a study room?

The attention span.

I'm Designing a New Strategic Weapons System

It flies over enemy territory expelling thousands of tonnes of excrement.

I call it the Incontinent Ballistic Missile...

I spent a lot of time designing a belt buckle with a clock on it.

What a waist of time.

How many trainers will it take to teach Tommy fashion design?

None. Hilfiger it out.

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If you only sucked average sized penises...

You could accurately say that you suck a mean dick.

Edit: The amount of upvotes on this post has exceeded the final recorded megawatt output from Chernobyl’s reactor number 4 on the morning of the Chernobyl disaster. (33,000)

The reactor was designed to operate at 3,200 megawatts.

God's Flawed Design

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur th...

DESIGNER DOGS

These days there are all kind of designer dogs : Yorkiepoos, Goldendoodles, Puggles. etc.
Growing up, we called them Mutts

My font designer girlfriend broke up with me last night.

I guess I just wasn't her type.

The Queen created a beautiful design that I decided to put on a shirt

One day, the Queen of The United Kingdoms designed a beautiful new crest for the royal family and seeing it, I saw an opportunity for profit and began selling t-shirts with the design printed on them thinking that the royal family wouldn't mind.

After several very angry calls from the royal f...

A business owner posted an ad on classifieds looking for logo designers...

The ad said: "Looking for a talented youth that can design an attractive logo. As I am a small business owner, the work is unpaid. You will be working for exposure."

A recently graduated graphic designer reads this ad. As he was unemployed and struggling to find a job, he thought that he woul...

Which Hogwarts House do graphic designers belong to?

Glyphindor

Which designer fashion brand would never print their name on panties?

The Gap

What kind of dog designs its own dog house?

A barkitect.

What do you call designer pasta?

J.C Penne

My girlfriend and I were shopping today. We saw that Trojan had designed Olympic sponsored Condoms? I told here we had to buy some...

What's so special about them?

They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze.

And what color are you going to wear tonight?

Gold, obviously!

Why not Silver? It'd be great if you could come second for a change.

I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board...

I thought, I'll give it a Go.

Apple just finished designing a smart car.

They are having trouble installing Windows

God calls Satan.

"Hey, I think we misplaced an engineer and he ended up in Hell."

"Yeah, Carl. Been doing a wonderful job. We finally got an AC system up and running and the heaters are fixed. He even designed an auto-poker for the pitchfork teams."

"Send him back here, he belongs in Heaven."

"Y...

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I designed an inflatable dildo.

But it was a flop.

What do you call a table whose design can be changed at anytime?

Editable.

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I've designed the perfect toilet, but I'm struggling to find testers.

No one gives a shit.

Gotta love the graphic designer for the PA license plate

...cuz the colors I associate the state with are blue, white, and yellow like the gorgeous beaches it has.

An Engineer accidentally goes to Hell instead of Heaven

An Engineer dies and goes to hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly.

The moving walkway motor jammed, so he unjams it. People can get from place to place more easily.

The TV was grain...

My friend can’t decide which designer brand to wear to dinner.

I’m sure Hilfiger it out.

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Do all black people have a problem with slavery?

Or just mine?

Edit: wow, front page of reddit! For those commenting on the distasteful nature of these joke, remind yourself.. It's a joke. The joke is based on wordplay, quick delivery, and is in no way designed to be racist. Slavery was never something to laugh about.

Edit 2: Holy g...

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Designated driver?

Yesterday I went out with a few friends. We got into a bar and had a few drinks.

I was over my limit and we call it a night after a few shots.

Surely it wasn't a good idea.

Knowing that I was completely drunk, I've done something that I never done before: I went home by Taxi....

I want to start an interior design company, I'm going to call it 9/11

because it's an inside job.

How many graphic designers does it take to change a light bulb?

Does it have to be a light bulb? 'Cause I had this other idea...

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

All new hospitals will be designed to look as embarrassing as possible

You won't be seen dead inside one

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During school lockdown drills there's always a designated area to defecate.

Since in emergencies it's always important to keep your shit together.

I knew a man whose work focused specifically on designing draw bridges...

of course, this was before his suspension.

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Putin and Biden are wrapping up their discussion...

Putin says: "You know, Joe. I had this dream few days ago"

Biden: "Oh, what kind of dream?"

Putin: "I saw America, in flames. Nuclear warhead crater where Capitol used to be. New York leveled. Los Angeles covered in human ash. It was Glorious, Joe. I nearly teared up..."

Biden: ...

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A taxi driver, new on the job, picks up his first customer.

The driver then started to head to the location designated by the passenger. A few minutes had passed and the whole trip had been quiet ever since. The radio wasn't even turned on.

The passenger is very interpersonal so he started to strike a conversation to break the silence.

"Hey, ma...

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What's the difference between old age and someone that designs cannabis bracelets?

With one you'll find the doobie bangles.

With the other you'll find the booby dangles.

You heard about the new Jewish designed car?

It stops on a dime... & picks it up.

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

President Trump should be an interior designer

He's really good at switching cabinets.

There’s a new razor designed for dyslexics.

It’s the best thing since sliced beard.

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

I heard there was a new soundproof room design that was award-winning

It got a no bel prize.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course child. What may I do for you?"


"Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhap...

I designed a car, it is good, but it can not go backwards.

I guess i am not that good at reverse engineering

Where can you find a free pair of designer shoes in any size?

The mosque

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If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

What Engineer Designed The Human Body?

Four engineers are arguing over who designed the human body.

The mechanical engineer points to the ways the bones, the muscles, and the tendons are joined together and move so smoothly and efficiently, and claims it must have been a mechanical engineer.

The electrical engineer diagrams...

I wonder if Spider-Man has done any web design

He would be good at it

I handed my wife a picture of a $50,000 Birkin designer handbag. "This is what I'm getting you for our anniversary!" She was so happy she started crying.

Who knew a simple photograph would mean so much to her?

The human body is designed to be mobile.

I guess it's because it's cellular

What is a video game art designer's favorite soft drink?

Sprite.

I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster"

We don't deliver.

The Designated D

The Designated D

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After...

The human body was probably designed by a civil engineer

Who the hell builds a toxic sewage pipeline through a recreational area ?

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

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What did the Apple Phone designer do when he got home?

Jack off

How's the iPhone X design?

Top notch!

What's a designers job?

Erasing signatures from documents.

I design castles. AMA!

For this AMA, I'd like to focus on rampart.

One way streets are really poorly designed.

I mean yes they have clearly marked "one way" signs but every sign I've ever seen has been backwards and no one seems to read it anyway I always have oncoming traffic.

Did you hear about the pirate themed phone Apple have been designing?

They’re gonna call it the ayePhone

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car.

An engineer was trying to design the world's fastest car. So he could keep track of the different models, he gave a different letter to each model.

The first time, he could only get the car to go 135 mph. Thinking he could do better, he redesigned the car, tried again, and made the car go 14...

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

Headstone Designer: I'm going to use Comic Sans on your headstone.

Client: Over my dead body!

Headstone Designer: Yes

I was chatting to a graphic designer about invitations for the baby’s christening.

“How about comic sans?” I said “Oh no” she scoffed, “for this occasion we’re gonna need a baptismal font”.

Jewish mothers, right?

The year is 2028 and the United States has elected the first woman as well as the first Jewish president, Sarah Goldstein.
She calls up her mother a few weeks after Election Day and says, "So, Mom, I assume you'll be coming to my inauguration?"
"I don't think so. It's a ten-hour drive, your fa...

Who designed the female body - an engineer or a biologist?

An engineer, only an engineer would place a waste disposal site so close to a recreation area.

I have a friend who's a Russian sound designer.

I have a Czech one, too.

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In the early days of aircraft, China was copying some American designs.

They bought one of the earliest gliders from the States and carefully took it apart. Measured dimensions of the wings and body, weighed every single part and even did some careful studies to determine the exact materials.

They put some of their best engineers on it to ensure all the maths che...

Did you hear about the ISIS graphic designer?

He was handed some selfies and asked to blow them up.

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What do you call a designer dildo?

Gucci in the Coochie

Napoleon may not have been the sole designer of his jacket...

but, I believe he had a hand in it.

What’s the difference between a spider and a web designer?

The spider likes bugs on their web

A Web Designer decided to use right aligned text

His boss yelled at him for it, because it wasn't justified.

I'm not a great interior designer.

There's room for improvement.

It seems like people either love or hate the new Tesla truck design...

It sure is a wedge issue!

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Fat fashion designer has found a time machine [OC]

Thinking about how many opportunities of discovery await him, he went inside and clicked a button.

He soon found himself in ancient rome. He noticed all the plebs wearing cool ancient clothes so he quickly went to the nearest shopping centre.

Being fat himself, he asked the shopkeepe...

[Unashamed Dad Joke] What do you call an android that was designed specifically to move a small wooden boat around?

A row-bot.

I helped my wife design her marijuana costume for the fancy dress party.

It was a joint effort.

Just learned that French fashion designers are trying to develop a clothing line made from frozen water.

I SWEAR!!

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