I'll have you know I graduated top of my class in graphic design

I have over 300 confirmed designs and don't have a single job...

Why didn't Spider-Man design a costume with pockets for his wallet?

Because his Spidey Cents was always tingling

Elon Musk has a plan to design electronic grass for Mars

He’s calling it an E-Lawn.

My wife screamed when she saw a spider in the house and wanted me to kill him for her. Instead of killing him I took him out...

We went to my favorite bar, had a few drinks. I got to know him pretty well. He was a really awesome guy. I also learned he is a web designer.

An engineer dies and is sent to hell

He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. The A/C has been busted for a long time, so he fixes it. Things cool down quickly. The moving walkway motor jammed, so he un-jams it. People can get from place to place more easily. The TV was grainy and unclear, so he fixes the connection to the...

Why does the Trump administration like the new iPhone design?

Because Apple de-ported their phones.

What do you call a person who designs dog houses

A barkitecht

The Hardest Day of my Life Was When Our Interior Design Class Went Camping.

It was pretty in tents.

I have a degree in the design and mechanics of television controllers

I don't know what I'm going to do with this remote knowledge.

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

Civil engineer fired after forgetting how to design electricity-generating water barriers.

He lost his dam mind.

I was trying to find out where my local pelt-merchant was hosting a “Lupine Designs” fashion gala for his fellow lycanthropes this year

So I asked “Where is the werewolf’s wolf-wares warehouse where werewolves wear wolves’ wares?”

I've gotten a Graphic Design job at a nuclear plant

The pay is not great, but they told me I'd be getting some exposure.

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced 10 husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom. "How can that be if you've been married 10 times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative. He kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 ...

I want to start an interior design company, I'm going to call it 9/11

because it's an inside job.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In the early days of aircraft, China was copying some American designs.

They bought one of the earliest gliders from the States and carefully took it apart. Measured dimensions of the wings and body, weighed every single part and even did some careful studies to determine the exact materials.

They put some of their best engineers on it to ensure all the maths che...

What do you call people who design icons in League of Legends?

Lolicons.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving down the road and his car breaks down near a monastery.

He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a beautiful sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. Th...

I tried to design a piece of paper and my teacher was impressed.

He gave me an A4 effort.

Someone should design cargo shorts for the ghost in the Super Mario games...

Y'know, Boo-Khakis.

What is the design philosophy of the iPhone 7?

Jack off

Guys, we should start respecting spiders at least a little

I mean they are great at web design

Meanwhile in the reptile design office in the planet construction halls of Magrethea...

>Credit to John Fennimore of BBC Radio 4

Down the corridor from Slartibartfarst and his fjord design office, in the planet construction halls, another magrethean is called in to see his supervisor.

“You wanted to see me sir”

“Ah, Zebon sit down,” The supervisor said pointing ...

How's the iPhone X design?

Top notch!

I was asked to help design the first Monopoly board...

I thought, I'll give it a Go.

What do you call someone who designs playgrounds?

A Park-itect

I had to stop catering to fat people in the video games I design

They consume the content *way* too fast.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I finally understand the design behind Penn Station

It gives native New Yorkers the chance to feel like a tourist. You won’t have any idea where you’re going, you’ll be in somebody’s way, and you’ll think everybody there is an asshole.

An architect

An architect storms into the CEOs office holding a towel to his bloody nose. "Good God, man, what happened to you!?" the CEO exclaimed.

"Sir, the lead architect on the Legend project just punched me in the face for questioning his designs, which frankly are impossible. Take a look." The ar...

I started up a poster design company called "Original Poster"

We don't deliver.

...I wanted to design defensive structures for the city....

as it turns out, not my Forte.

Damn, my hemorrhoids are really painful...

​

"Intelligent Design" my ass.

I design castles. AMA!

For this AMA, I'd like to focus on rampart.

God's Flawed Design

The inventor of the Harley Davidson Motorcycle Corporation, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward is you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur th...

I heard that Bruno Mars helped design the Apple Watch

Dont believe me? Just watch

TIL The New Jersey Devils have never changed their logo or uniform design/colours.

No new New Jersey jersey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My (American) grandfather's joke which I just shared with my (French) husband

There once was a snail named Sam who lived in a forest which had an interesting reputation; All the forest creatures would design elaborate vehicles and then race against each other every month. The snail loved to watch the races, and dreamed of participating one day.

However, everyone told t...

What do you get when BMW, Volkswagen, and Callaway design a car together?

A Mini Golf.

Why did they hire the police department to design a new superconductor?

"STOP RESISTING!!!"

The President of the U.S. receives a call from the Treasury Department.

-Madam President, we are upgrading the vaults where we keep the gold reserve. Three designs are finalists, but you need to select the one we will use.

-What are the options?

-The first one is a made of reinforced concrete surrounding a steel cage with a nickel content of 8%. The second...

Last year I took a visual design class...

...and our final exam was to design a fireworks display.

I passed with flying colors.

A graphic designer is working on a website...

...and his client says, "Could you make this banner a little more green?"

So he makes the color a little bit more green.

But his client says, "No, that's too green. Make it a little less so."

So he makes it a little less green.

The client says, "No, it's still a b...

A Cherokee chief and a corporate director

A Cherokee chief, poorly dressed, and a corporate director in a fancy suit share a bench in Central Park.

The corporate guy notices that from time to time the chief is peeking at his paper bag, printed with a clever design, that rests at his feet.

“You like the bag?”

“Yes, fancy...

I work as a product designer for a condom company. This annoying frog keeps advising me on my designs.

"Rib it! Rib it!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] Lori was assistant manager at the Sex Shoppe, and had been for a long time wondering, when do I get my shot at being Manager?

One day, her boss, the owner, said, “Lori, I have to go on a business trip for the weekend. You’re in charge. Let’s see how you handle it. You know the business well enough. Just remember, the new dildo line goes on sale Saturday. That’s $25 for the white dildos, and $50 for the black dildos.”
...

Why is development in airplane engineering so slow?

Everyone is afraid to make a ground breaking design.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave.

The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

'Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send three well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress un...

I was finally able to satisfy my wife last night.

I let her choose the new kitchen design

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three Engineers Are Debating the Nature of God...

They are a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a software engineer. They each speak their opinion on God's nature in turn.

The mechanical engineer says "God is a mechanical engineer". He proceeds to detail the workings of the human skeletal system, with its intricate joints and...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The creation of a pussy

Seven wise men with knowledge so fine,

Created a pussy to their design.

First was a butcher, with smart wit,

Using a knife,he gave it a slit,

Second was a carpenter, strong and bold,

With a hammer and chisel, he gave it a hole,

Third was a tailor, tall and t...

Is it possible to have the word ‘and’ five times in a row in an English sentence, while still being grammatically correct?

A man had just bought a pub, The Fox and Hound, and wanted a big new sign for it outside, so that potential customers would know that it was under new management and come a try it out.

So, he contracted a sign-maker to make the sign for him. A week later, the sign-maker came back to him with ...

A British Gentleman visits India..

He landed in the state of West Bengal, the former seat of the East Indian Company.

Dressed in classic gentlemanly fashion he decided to start the tour by visiting the famed Victoria Memorium Hall. Taken aback by the marvellous architecture, he stopped the nearest passerby and asked, "Who mad...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[OC] I knew a guy who had a really weird ritual with his socks.

Once a month or so, he'd set aside a few hours to do this crazy thing with his socks. He'd take a pair he'd been wearing for a while, and lay them out on the bed next to each other. Then he'd take one of them, and put it on. Then he'd walk over to his dresser, open his sock door, and pull a single s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A King was going to war

A King was going to war but was worried about his beautiful Queen who was horny all the time.

Days prior to the war, he summoned the Royal Inventor and told him to design a chastity belt that will chop off any penis that got near her royal parts.

The Royal Inventor succeeded and the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

There's a bar at the top of the Empire State Building.

One night, 2 guys were drinking and one guy says, "hey did you guys know that one of the reasons this building has such interesting design is that they made it so when people jump out of windows, the wind holds them from falling too fast and they just float to the ground, unhurt?"

The 2nd guy...

I just got fired from my job at Dyson.

My design for a new hoover didn't work.

I don't know what their problem is, when they asked me to design it they told me, "just make sure it doesn't suck!"

A physicist, an engineer and a mathematician are given the task to contain the largest amount of area with a limited amount of fence.

The physicist designs a square fence, showing that a square contains the most area.

The Engineer then designs a circular fence, showing that the area to circumference ratio is better than a square.

The mathematician think for a moment, then starts building a tiny fence around himself. ...

A man’s car breaks down on a dim lot road in the middle of no where.

He calls a mechanic to come but he won’t be able to get to him till the next morning and it’s getting quite cold. He gets out his car and starts walking down the road to see if he can find anyone to help him. About 5 minutes down the road he finds a monastery with some monks in. They invite him in a...

No motivation. Why bother if people don't notice my creative work?

It just seems that lately nobody really notices all the work I do. It seems like no matter how much effort i put into my works, no matter how much I invest in improving my skills via education, books, conferences, no matter how much i try to 'get in the spotlight' and display my art, people seem to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A business man is about to leave for a week-long trip and is worried his wife will chest on him.

A business man is about to leave for a week-long business trip and is particularly concerned that his flirtatious wife may cheat on him. He decided he wanted to purchase a sex toy for her to keep her occupied while he was gone. He walks into a sex toy shop and looks around for a bit before heading t...

The Welsh were the first people to use a sheep's intestine as a condom.

The English improved the design by removing the rest of the sheep prior to use.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The creation of a pussy, improved version.

Each man was a master-of-craft at his trade,


Now by God in his wisdom a task they'd been laid.


See them gathered together, by calling divine


to fashion a vulva of peerless design.


The first man, a butcher of eminent skill


took a hold of his bla...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Horse's Ass

Does the statement "We’ve always done it that way" ring any bells?

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That’s an exceedingly odd number.

Why was that gauge used?

Because that’s the way they built them in England, and English expatri...

What was Spider Man's major in college?

Web Design.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Julia was organizing a cat show

and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted it to be made of the finest white marble base with the persian cat made enti...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've decided I'm going to major in computer science and Japanese.

I'm gonna master weeb design.