Ukraine has announced plans to open Chernobyl as a theme park.

They say ”Its just like Disneyland.” Except the 6-foot mouse is real.

What do you call somebody who keeps on quitting their diet plans?

A desserter

Two high school graduates are discussing their future college plans. The first says "I'm planning on going into farming, it's what my father did and it makes good money." The second asks "What type of farming? Wheat, corn, livestock?"

"I don't know man, there are so many fields to choose from."

What do you call it when a group of crows make plans to get together?

Premeditated murder

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

They asked me what are my plans for the next year

Come on guys I don't have a 2020 vision

Donald Trump has announced that he plans to extend his wall across the oceans

This news came after he discovered that a man named Jesus managed to walk on water

In a speech two days ago, Prime Minister Theresa May has announced that she plans to delay Brexit, in the hopes that the UK leaves with her deal on 22 May

May wants to leave at the end of May.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've decided to scrap my plans for the invisible scoreboard

I just don't see the point

A couple who's been married for 25 years are discussing their anniversary plans

Wife: what do you plan to give me on our silver wedding anniversary?

Husband: Surprise! I'm taking you to Europe!

Wife: Wow! How are you going to top that on our golden anniversary?

Husband: Well, I suppose I'll pick you up!

For our 15th wedding anniversary I decided to plan a trip for me and my wife. The plan was for me to make all of the arrangements and for her to just come along for the trip and not have to worry about making plans or organizing travel, as she’s normally the one in charge of that. So...

I decided to take her to somewhere really cool: to see real boxes! She’s always been a big box enthusiast. Small boxes, big boxes, medium boxes, she loves them all; but she’s never gotten to see real boxes!! I saw an add online and was astounded at the price of the trip to Battle Creek, Michigan: ho...

Bohemia just announced its plans to secede from the Czech Republic.

Is this the real life?

Best Laid Plans

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for a few years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to have the child....

What do you call tentative Pirate plans?

Up in the Arrrr.

Dr. Jill Stein plans on marrying former senator Al Franken.

She will run for president in 2020 as Dr. Franken-Stein.

The Australian government recently unveiled their plans for a 1 dollar coin.

While some critics questioned the economic viability, the kangaroonie will start circulation next year, according to a government spokesperson.

There were plans to change the design of the 21st letter of the alphabet but Ed Sheeran stopped them

He’s in love with the shape of u

Two friends are making plans...

One says that he’s going to need to ask his girlfriend if she was ok with him going out with his buddy.

Guy 1: “what’d she say?”

Guy 2: “she said I can go if I want.”

After a moment of silence guy 1 goes:

“So... raincheck?”

Two hillbillies are discussing plans for dinner

After throwing ideas back and forth of what to cook, their eyes catch some roadkill on the side of the road. One of them eagerly suggests, "how about Himalayan Woodchuck?"

"Himalayan Woodchuck?" the other hillbilly scoffed. "What in the devil is that?"

"You know," the other says, gestu...

If you're having hesitations about your dinner plans in a Native American village...

you have reservation reservation reservations.

I asked my Hindu friend whether he plans to evacuate for Hurricane Florence.

He said, Na-ama-ste.

I couldn't decide whether to use a boat or go swimming, so i aborted my plans.

It was a case of row versus wade

The veteran’s affairs office requests several ex-soldiers to come by and hear about a new pension plan.

“Alright men,” the official begins, “we’ve tried out a lot of pension plans in the past and none of them have worked out. At this point, we’re winging it. We’re going to measure between two points of your body, and whatever the distance is in inches, that’s how many thousand dollars you’ll get. So t...

I had plans to go to the beach today, but the skies are cloudy and it is raining

It's really irrigating.

I had plans to get together with a buddy of mine who's a clock hobbyist, but he never showed up.

When I asked him where he was he said he was busy binge watching.

Man has plans to kill his wife

This guy is talking to a group of friends,

"I want my wife dead, but I don't want to do it myself, I'll pay anyone $1000 to kill her for me".

One of his friends Arty speaks up and says,

"I don't like your wife either, I'll do it for a dollar".

"Great"! He responds, "you c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a catholic girsl school the teaching Nun asks the girls about their plans for the future...

Nun:"Susan, what do you want to be when you grow up?"

Susan:"I want to be a teacher, just like you!"
N: "Good, and what do you want to be Alice?"

Alice:"I want to be a doctor!"

N:"Very good! And you Lucy, what do you want to do?"
Lucy:"I want to become a Prostitute!"...

A couple of years ago, one night,

I was about to propose to my girlfriend when my roommate Joseph barged into the room out of nowhere, tripped and fell over, breaking a glass table with his face. Totally ruined the mood.

Now, I didn't know Joseph THAT well, don't even remember where he was from, but let' just say I put my pl...

I don't like making plans for the day

Because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around the courtroom.

A man and his wife had plans to attend a costume party.

The night of the party, the wife suddenly got a headache and said she couldn't go, but encouraged her husband to attend. He reluctantly put on his mask and headed to the party.

The wife suddenly woke up from a nap feeling much better. She got an idea - she went and bought a different costume ...

Donald Trump finally revealed his plans to defeat North Korea

He's buying it and turning it into a Trump brand business

Burial Plans

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, "When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"

Neighbors feared him. The old ma...

"Mr. Trump, have you changed your plans for mass deportation?"

"No, I have not. I will deport 11 million undocumented immigrants and two dogs."

"Why the two dogs?"

"See? Nobody cares about the immigrants!"

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