UPJOKE
destinationaimpurposescoreintentionendobjecttargetobjectivegoal settingintentdesignsystemnetscorer

Wrote my 2022 New Years Day Goals

My top goal this year. Stay negative everyday.

If I don't, 5-10 day isolation for being positive.

It's kinda harsh but it will be very contagious and catchy.

You might say, It'll go viral.

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke a 70 year old man I met in a bar told me

A bunch of sperm cells are sitting around in a guy's balls. All of them are normal, except for one cell named Dave. Dave is lifting weights, doing push-ups, sit-ups, and running. The other sperm cells ask him what he's doing. He gives an answer:

"Listen guys, there are millions of us here. On...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

If you’re interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long term goals

Short term : I want to work at McDonalds

Long term : I don’t want to work at McDonalds

I achieved my goal of personal growth...

verified by the scale this morning.

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do you think we are here?

John, Paul, and Bill sit around a campfire.

John turns to Paul, and asks him "Why do you think we are here?"

Paul says "Man, I wonder that all the time. Some people think we exist on Earth in purgatory. We suffer here through the trials and tribulations of life in order to determine if...

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

Today my boss arrived at work with a very cool car, and I congratulated him.

He said: "Well, if you set yourself goals, are determined, work hard and do some over-time, I can get myself a better one next year."

Why does Russian football suck?

Because they're constantly moving the goal posts.....

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard about this gym where your trainer will have sex with you if you hit your fitness goals...

...but to me that just sounds like prostitution with extra reps.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like golf,

Playing every hole is the goal.

During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background. So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking what's behind me on our Zoom call.

I did it! I followed my goal to save $20 from each paycheck in 2020.

I have $60.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man and his wife go to bed...

After laying there for a few minutes, the old man farts and says, "Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"

The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says, "Touchdown, tie score!"

After abo...

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

Jogging goals

2016 - didn’t jog
2017 - didn’t jog
2018 - didn’t jog
2019 - didn’t jog
2020 - didn’t jog
2021 - still didn’t jog

Dammit. This is becoming a running joke now.

Smell

It was a particularly tough football game, and nerves were on edge. The home team had been the victim of three or four close calls, and they were now trailing the visitors by a touch-down and a field goal. When the official called yet another close one in the visitors' favor, the home quarterback bl...

I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

My lifegoal

At the age of:

3 - able to control my bladder

5 - able to self-feed

18 - able to drive

20 - have a girlfriend

30 - is rich

40 - is rich

50 - still rich

60 - still have a girlfriend

70 - still able to drive

80 - still able to self...

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

My New Years resolution was to eat 1200 calories a day. I’ve been doing so great!

I’ve surpassed my goal every day so far!

What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

For 2021, I’m setting a goal for myself to find a girlfriend. One that is faithful and actually wants to be with me.

I just can’t let the wife find out.

Texans fan

A guy goes into a Houston bar with a Dachshund under his arm. The dog is decked out in a Texans jersey and helmet and is festooned with Texans pompoms.

The bartender says, "Hey! No pets allowed in here!"
The guy begs him, "Please we're both big Texans fans and the TV at my house is broken....

My goal is to be a scarecrow.

Outstanding in my field.

Drinking goals

So during the Corona virus ive decided to work on not drinking,

So far, i'm not able to drink a whole 18pack in one night.

A boy, Billy, is born with no left eye, so the doctors surgically implant a wooden eye in the socket

All through his youth, he is shunned and bullied for his deformation. He grows hard and strong from all the fights he’s been forced to engage in throughout the years, but underneath it all he remains a good kid

High school is coming to an end and Billy’s goal remains the same: survive. Someho...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

doping olympics [translated from an old Russian anecdote, 2007]

Good day! We are reporting live from our special Olympics. At our Olympics there's no doping control at all. Yes, you heard it right, sportsmen are NOT tested for doping. Absolutely. So...


- Finnish sportsman has jumped 27 meters. A very good result indeed for a chess player.

- 13 ...

My friend’s life goal was to try cocaine from all the different countries in the world.

He finally stopped at the Finnish line.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A software engineer.

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

Politics...

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food ...

What does my dad and my moms hopes, goals and dreams and have in common?

They both disappeared after i was born.

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

One day at the bar, the warden of a prison and the manager of a football club get into a argument about football.

The warden mocks the manager’s players. Saying they are pathetic, over-payed babies who collapse whenever there’s a slight breeze. He claims that his inmates, could beat them easily as they are made of sterner stuff.

The manager laughs. The inmates are all criminals, they would cheat or even ...

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An very old professor decided to undertake a research project...

He wanted to determine if a group of poorly treated, anti-social rats could develop friendly relationships with one another if they used team work to complete a complicated task.

At first, he set the rats a goal of stealing his colleagues stationary, without the colleague catching them in the...

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

My friends asked me what are my goals for next year.

I said I don't have 2020 vision.

My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist is making hs rounds in a mental hospital

He comes to the first room and sees the patient standing on his bed and swinging an imaginary bat. He asks the patient what he’s doing. The patient says “I’m not going to be here forever, so when I get better I want to be a baseball player” The doctor says that’s good to have a goal, and moves to th...

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

I asked a cannibalistic philantropist what his life goals were.

He replied: "To serve mankind."

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some breaking English football news.

Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,

club doctors confirm.

There's no way they can catch anything..

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.