I just reached my diet goal and burned 2000 calories!

But I'm never taking a nap with my brownies in the oven again

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

My friend’s life goal was to try cocaine from all the different countries in the world.

He finally stopped at the Finnish line.

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

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A man with a 25 inch penis could not get any girl to sleep with him because his penis was too large...

so he decided to go to the most famous doctor in the world to get some help.

The man asked “Doctor, is there anything you can give me to make my penis smaller?” The doctor said “No, but I think a surgeon might be able to help you with your problem.”

So the man decided to go to the mo...

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

I recently asked my neighbors little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President someday.

Both of her parents, Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President what would be the first thing you would do?' She replied, 'I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.' Her parents beamed.

'Wow...what a worthy goal.' I told her, 'But you don't have to wait ...

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

Molly had one goal, to become a Saint.

She wanted to be holy Moly.

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

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The comparisons between Trump and Hitler are a bit unfair...

...Hitler actually achieved his goals.

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

Many years ago, there was a sculptor.

He was a true master at his craft, and he worked hard every day to provide the finest replicas, busts, and statues to the rich and noble. He was held in very high regard, and his name spread across land and oceans and many sought to acquire one of his rare sculptures.

However, even with the ...

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

I asked a cannibalistic philantropist what his life goals were.

He replied: "To serve mankind."

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A preschooler is asked to write the first sentence every member of his family said.

When he got home he saw his mom on the phone. He asked her to say a sentence. But she yelled "Shut up, I'm on the phone!" So he wrote that down.

He then came into the living room and saw his dad watching a soccer game. The team he was rooting for just scored the winning goal, so he shouted "...

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

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Since Hitler missed his goals

shouldn't he be called Flopler?

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A skilled, anonymous criminal was infamously wanted for multiple cases of robbery and theft.

...and it was rumored that he was planning to steal the riches of the wealthy mayor of the city. Since this criminal was known to have pulled off such fantastic heists before, it was no doubt that he would eventually successfully achieve this goal, which meant that the police station was on high ale...

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

Old Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, ‘Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'
The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says ‘Touchdown, tie score...' ...

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

“What are your career goals?”

Me: I’d like a job in agriculture.

“Why?”

Me: It’s a growing field.

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

Graduate degree fishing

So there’s a guy who wants a graduate degree, but he’s not sure what he wants to study. He remembers a time in his youth where he learned about all different types of fish and things used to catch fish. That memory intrigued him. So he started looking into marine biology, but thought, nah that’s not...

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal,

then she's a keeper.

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

My goal in life is always to turn a negative into a positive.

Which is why I lost my job at the blood bank.

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

My only goal in life is to be immortal

So far, so good

You hear about the Anthrax scare at the Dallas Cowboys practice facility?

A white powder was found on the Dallas Cowboys practice field. The team offense had never seen anything like it.

Upon further inspection, it turned out to be the goal line.

A bespectacled man heads in for a job interview

The interview is going very well, as he is nailing all the questions.

The interviewer eventually asks him "Where do you see yourself in 5 years?"

The man, very prepared for this common question says: "Well, I see myself still working at this company having received a number of promoti...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

Why is Barcelona's football always untidy?

Because the goals are all Messi

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My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] The Vatican is about to select 5 archbishops from a group of 30 religious and pious priests. Due to previous scandals and accusations the Pope has decided to make the appointment procedure different and complicated so that only the best remains.

All the priests were stripped naked and a bell was tied to their penis. After that right in front of them, a group of 30 gorgeous nude women were brought. The goal was to find out how much resistance the priests have and how strong their devotion to God was. The ladies started to dance, twerk, even ...

My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

Bengals Anthrax Scare

Cincinnati, OH Monday, November 11, 2019 – Anthrax Scare At Paul Brown Stadium

Cincinnati Bengals football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Zac Taylor immediately suspended practi...

When you don't have a lot of work experience, but you have a lot of ex-girlfriends

"Progressive problem solving skills in an increasingly difficult work environment, with ever increasing productivity goals, only for the company to downsize and lay you off because 'it wasn't you, it was me' reasons."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've always wanted to marry a girl who's confident, hard working, and helps me achieve my goals....

So I married a stripper. Confident enough to be on stage naked, works long shifts in the middle of the night, helps me achieve my goals..that is until the song ends. That will be another 40 bucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another joke

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

Squad goals:

To have a squad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

What do you call it when a seagull wants to do something by the end of the day in the water?

Sea goal

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife...

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 underage guys walk into a bar

They order 3 beers but the bartender turns them down. They look sad so he feels sorry for them and makes a deal. If they have a combined penis length of 50 inches, they can buy their beer. They accept the deal and start measuring. The first guys has a 25” penis, the second 24 and the last one has 1”...

Chernobyl was a great success.

It achieved the Five Year Plan goal of energy generation... in 0.001 nanoseconds.

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