My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world. T

The front page is now over 95% recycled content.

Molly had one goal, to become a Saint.

She wanted to be holy Moly.

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

My friends asked me what are my goals for next year.

I said I don't have 2020 vision.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

I, someday, want to make an edgy football joke on this sub.

It's my goal post.

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

I started watching football (soccer) because I could see it’s very relevant to my life...

Little to no goals.

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

I asked a cannibalistic philantropist what his life goals were.

He replied: "To serve mankind."

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A self-made millionaire decided that he was lonely and needed to find a mate. So, he organized a bit of a competition for it.

As his search neared the end he narrowed the choices down to four.

One was a doctor. She was a surgeon, made incredible money. She was focused and driven. Because she was so wealthy on her own, he knew she wasn't in it only for the money.

One was a lawyer. Again, a successful professio...

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

“What are your career goals?”

Me: I’d like a job in agriculture.

“Why?”

Me: It’s a growing field.

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another joke

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

My 2019 goal

My goal in 2019 is to accomplish the goals I set in 2018 which I should have done in 2017 because I made a promise in 2016 which I planned in 2015…

If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal,

then she's a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since Hitler missed his goals

shouldn't he be called Flopler?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fart Football

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
...

My goal in life is always to turn a negative into a positive.

Which is why I lost my job at the blood bank.

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and see Adolf Hitler. Confuse, the man walks up to him and ask, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

To which Hitler replies, "I was but God has given me a second chance and this time I'll accomplish my goal of killing all the Jews and a politician."

Surprise the ma...

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife...

What do you call it when a seagull wants to do something by the end of the day in the water?

Sea goal

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

Relationship Goals

Relationship is easy when spouses know each other. Here are 2 classic examples:

1) A husband comes home after attending a club meeting.

He tells his wife, "Dear, there was a drinking competition after meeting today."

His wife spontaneously, "Who got the second position?"

...

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

Chernobyl was a great success.

It achieved the Five Year Plan goal of energy generation... in 0.001 nanoseconds.

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to st...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The little rooster

It is a beautiful summers day when Rocky the rooster is taking his son out of the house for the first time.

"Son" the rooster says, "today you will become a man!"

The young rooster jumps up and down in pure excitement. "What are we going to do dad!?"

"Well son, my buddy Jeff tol...

Spanish is a tough language

it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man is drinking in a bar, when a fireman walks in.

"The usual cocksucker" the barman calls out.

"hey cocksucker, hows it going? " another customer calls out

Then the waitress says "hey cocksucker, nice to see you"



The guy turns to the fireman and says "Hope you dont mind me asking, but why do they call you cocksucker"...

Met a girl who was into sports

She said she was in a football team and had to prevent goals at all costs.



She was a keeper.

One of North Korea's long term goals has been to eradicate poverty.

It sounds way better than eradicating the impoverished.

A suspicious white substance was found today at Arizona Cardinals practice

Police concluded that the substance in question was actually the goal line, and we shouldn’t have to worry about any further scares this season.

Three men are sitting on a hill...

They decide to have a competition. The goal is to throw your watch up in the air, run down the hill, and catch it.
The first man prepares himself and throws up his watch. He runs as fast as he can down the hill, but the watch gets there before he does.
The second man (who is much faster than...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.



Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

Relationship Goals

I want my relationship to be as long as a CVS receipt

My only goal in life is to be immortal

So far, so good

So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew are watching the Super Bowl.

Sitting directly behind one of the field goals, they've had the best seats in the house to a terrific contest.



With only one second left on the clock, a kicker runs up to potentially seal victory.



He kicks the ball hard and true, and it sails right between the posts, an...

Messi's face

when Origi scored his second goal.

I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait unti...

A boss shows one of his employees his new sports car.

“That is amazing,” the employee responds.

“Isn’t it?” replies the boss. “And if you set your goals higher and work even harder this year, I can get an even better car next year.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box?

He only scores short-handed goals

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.

In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany...

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 underage guys walk into a bar

They order 3 beers but the bartender turns them down. They look sad so he feels sorry for them and makes a deal. If they have a combined penis length of 50 inches, they can buy their beer. They accept the deal and start measuring. The first guys has a 25” penis, the second 24 and the last one has 1”...

I've always wanted to marry a girl who's confident, hard working, and helps me achieve my goals....

So I married a stripper. Confident enough to be on stage naked, works long shifts in the middle of the night, helps me achieve my goals..that is until the song ends. That will be another 40 bucks.

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

Track and field is perfect for introverts.

The goal is the be there the shortest time possible.

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

What’s similar between Buddhism and Reddit?

Both have a goal of collecting the most karma.

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" T...

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

Squad goals:

To have a squad

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NASA job interview

I was interviewing for a cheif of engineering position at NASA, when they asked me what my goals were

I answered: "To land my rocket on Uranus"

They didn't hire me

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________
**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original,...

How's the soccer game going?

Good! It's 3-1 now. The first goal was made by Ronaldo and the other two by someone named replay.

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