I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

Goals.

My goal in life is to outlive my enemies. I'm looking at you Emma Morano, world's oldest person.

Next year my goal is to make my man nut going into the new year

So the years start coming and they don't stop coming.

Since Hitler missed his goals

shouldn't he be called Flopler?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Management goals

Dear Employees,

Due to the current financial situation caused by the slowdown of economy. Management has decided to implement a scheme to put workers of 40 years and above on early retirement. This scheme will be known as RAPE ( Retirement of Aged People Early).

Persons selected to be ...

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

“What are your career goals?”

Me: I’d like a job in agriculture.

“Why?”

Me: It’s a growing field.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal,

then she's a keeper.

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

My goal in life is always to turn a negative into a positive.

Which is why I lost my job at the blood bank.

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

Relationship Goals

Relationship is easy when spouses know each other. Here are 2 classic examples:

1) A husband comes home after attending a club meeting.

He tells his wife, "Dear, there was a drinking competition after meeting today."

His wife spontaneously, "Who got the second position?"

...

I'm halfway towards my goal of becoming filthy rich.

Now I just have to have to figure out the rich part.

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

Relationship Goals

I want my relationship to be as long as a CVS receipt

What was Jared from Subway's fitness goal?

Getting in to smaller pants

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

My only goal in life is to be immortal

So far, so good

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved ...

One of North Korea's long term goals has been to eradicate poverty.

It sounds way better than eradicating the impoverished.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Famous people answer the ubiquitous question, "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

**TEACHER**: To get to the other side.


**PLATO**: For the greater good.


**ARISTOTLE**: It is in the nature of chickens to cross roads.


**SOCRATES**: Why do you think the chicken crossed the road?


**HIPPOCRATES**: Because of an excess of phlegm in i...

My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.

In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany...

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

I've always wanted to marry a girl who's confident, hard working, and helps me achieve my goals....

So I married a stripper. Confident enough to be on stage naked, works long shifts in the middle of the night, helps me achieve my goals..that is until the song ends. That will be another 40 bucks.

Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

I've started 2016 with a goal of losing 20 pounds...

Seems like I've lost more, my ATM is empty

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"

Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts fl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two engaged bachelors were talking about their sexual goals entering marriage...

The first said "I'm going to spank my wife more often than her dad did!" The second said, "Hell, I'm hoping to fuck my wife more than her dad did."

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

Political Joke

My neighbors were just walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up. She said she wanted to be President someday. Both of her parents, Democratic Party members, were standing there so I asked her, If you were President what wo...

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old married couple...

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'
His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'its fart football.'
A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'
After abou...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 underage guys walk into a bar

They order 3 beers but the bartender turns them down. They look sad so he feels sorry for them and makes a deal. If they have a combined penis length of 50 inches, they can buy their beer. They accept the deal and start measuring. The first guys has a 25” penis, the second 24 and the last one has 1”...

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

What’s similar between Buddhism and Reddit?

Both have a goal of collecting the most karma.

There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" T...

How's the soccer game going?

Good! It's 3-1 now. The first goal was made by Ronaldo and the other two by someone named replay.

My friend had a dream of studying birds native to coastal regions before he died.

It's honestly really sad he never got to accomplish his Sea*goals*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NASA job interview

I was interviewing for a cheif of engineering position at NASA, when they asked me what my goals were

I answered: "To land my rocket on Uranus"

They didn't hire me

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

95 year old to doctor.

Man - i need viagra.

Doc - this age. Why? What are your goals?

Man - just to ensure I don't pee on my own shoes.

Spain's national soccer team were in complete disarray

The goalkeeper would always come out and try and play as a striker, the defenders would just run up and down the side lines and the strikers just stood on their own goal line chatting.

Needless to say, they lost every game.

After 5 games the manager was fired and a new one appointed. H...

How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?

Paint a goal line on your driveway.

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

My daughter keeps refreshing the latest election results.

And my only goal in life was to keep her off the polls.

Today I told my boss that I liked his new car...

He said:

If you set goals for yourself, work hard and do your job properly, I'll be able to buy an even better one next year.

Child: Dad I want to be a plumber when I grow up

Dad: That’s a very low goal. Have some ambition

Child: How about being a doctor?

Dad: That’s right!

Child: Or a teacher, a prison guard, a gym trainer....

Dad: HAVE YOU BEEN USING MY COMPUTER?

The Lion and the Elephant

Everybody knows that the lion is the king of the jungle. Always has been, and for generations it seemed like he always would be. One afternoon, however, after a particularly poorly received watering hole decision, the elephant had had enough.

“Lion,” he said, “I’ve been your major domo for a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man rides through the desert on the back of a camel

After days of travel he starts to get horny and extremely pent up. So he gets the thought: "Might as well do it with my camel".
With that goal in mind, he grabs a shovel and starts piling up sand behind the camel so he could reach it, but every time he got on top of the pile, the camel walked out...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A walk on the beach

On my first (and so far only) visit to Hawaii, I was staying at a beautiful little cottage outside Hilo. There's a neat little place called Uncle's Awa Club, where they hold a farmer's market, live music, food of all kinds... Right in the lava zone, very remote.

I'd read about one of the boot...

So a blonde goes to a lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Browns Anthrax Scare

Cleveland, OH Monday, September 3, 2018 – Anthrax Scare At FirstEnergy Stadium

Cleveland Browns football practice was delayed nearly two hours today after a player reported finding an unknown white powdery substance on the practice field.

Coach Hue Jackson immediately suspended practic...

Where's the red light district in Edmonton?

Behind the Oilers' goal net.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Donald Trump.

I heard this was the subreddit for old jokes that aren't funny and won't die.

 

 

 

 

______________________________________________________
**Edit:** My goal (reddit bucket list type thing) was to create an organic, original,...

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematician enter a competition

The goal is to surround 10 sheeps with the minimum amount of wood to be used as fence.

The engineer goes first. Armed with the knowledge that the best perimeter to area is a circle, gathers the sheep together and build a circular fence around them.

The crowd goes crazy! That is unbeata...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

3 Homeless men are traveling far and wide until they come across a mansion.

They all stare in awe at the magificent view. Suddenly, an older woman comes through the door. She's elegant in her manner, but her looks certainly aren't flattering. Behind her however, were 20 women of age 18 and older, but still younger than 25. They were each sexy in their own manner, some flirt...

My parents told me to work until my bank balance looked like a phone number

I’m happy to say that I’ve achieved my goal, and am retiring with $911.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Me and my trans male buddy decided to form a bowling team.

We’re calling ourselves “2 Men 2 Balls 1 Goal.”

Some bloke wants to become a lawyer

The guy (lets call him John) has been dreaming about being the greatest lawyer in the state for years, and has spent the past half a decade working super hard at law school to achieve this goal.

One day, he gets an interview for a highly successful law firm called "Anderson and Nelson At Law"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Answer

My fourteen-year-old son and I were lying on our backs on the grass in the park, watching the clouds loiter overhead, when he asked me, “Dad, why are we here?”

And this is what I said:

“I’ve thought a lot about it, son, and I don’t think it’s all that complicated. I think maybe we’re h...

Neglected Little Cornflake

There's a little cornflake in the cornflake box, sitting on the table. This cornflake, like all others, wants only to be eaten, that's his goal, his purpose.
He knows that today is his day, he hears the man of the house comes down the stairs, coming for his breakfast. The man sits at the table an...

Another guy walks into a bar joke

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too. The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here? My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."
T...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Ashley was a sorority girl at a New York college.

During Spring Break, she planned a trip to Texas. She told her sorority sisters that she had three goals: to eat real Texas barbecue, to see a real rodeo, and to have sex with a real cowboy.

When she returned from her trip, she told her sisters all about it. One asked if she had eaten real...

A football manager signs his new star...

A manager for a football club signs his new star, a centipede. It’s the debut game for their new club and all the other players are out on the field when the match starts. The team starts conceding goals and is down 5-0 at half time.

During the break, the manager substitutes the centipede o...

My Uncle

My uncle is a southern farmer. One day he witnessed another man dove hunting close to his property line. The man shoots a bird that falls on my uncle’s property line, which my uncle promptly goes to pick up.

The man tries to plea with my uncle but he’s not having it. The dead bird is on his p...

An old couple was lying in bed.

The husband let out a resounding fart and said, "Touchdown. Seven points.".

Immediately his wife ripped her own and went, "Touchdown. 7-7!"

The husband responded with another colder and said, "14-7 my game."

Just then the wife came back with another fart and declared, "14-14. I'...

A priest and a rabbi walk into a bar

They are about to sit down when the bartender says: “It costs $60 to sit on the chair.” The priest and the rabbi say “That’s absurd! What’s the reason for this charge?” The bartender says “Well the goal is to provide patrons with a sense of pride and accompli—“

The priest and the rabbi throw ...

Jesus is watching you...

A man broke into a house one night, his goal was to take something small and valuable.

While he was searching through the stuff he heard a small voice "Jesus is watching you."

He stopped for a moment and said to himself "This must be a voice from my old sunday school."

So he ...

Blonde physical education teacher

A blonde gets a job as a physical education teacher for 16 - 18 year olds.

She notices a boy at the end of the field standing alone, while all the other kids are running around having fun, kicking a football.

She takes pity on him and decides to speak to him.
'Are you ok?' she asks....

Why do old people like golf?

Just like in their life, the goal is to get the least amount of strokes before you go in the hole

What's a geriatric?

A German footballer scoring three goals.

Did you know that the entire highway system was originally proposed to be an elevated 'skyway'?

The lofty goal had to be brought back to earth when it couldn't get enough support.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Joe is sitting in the break room at work looking depressed [Long]

When one of his friends sits down and asks him “Hey, Joe. Are you alright? You haven’t been yourself lately.”

Joe looks up “Oh hey Frank. Nah haven’t been feeling good at all. Things at home aren’t that great, my sex life is in the bin, my wife and I have lost our fire.”

Frank says “He...