I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

I asked a cannibalistic philantropist what his life goals were.

He replied: "To serve mankind."

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Since Hitler missed his goals

shouldn't he be called Flopler?

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

“What are your career goals?”

Me: I’d like a job in agriculture.

“Why?”

Me: It’s a growing field.

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

If a girl is preventing you from reaching your goal,

then she's a keeper.

My goal in life is always to turn a negative into a positive.

Which is why I lost my job at the blood bank.

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

By launching a Tesla to Mars Space X has accomplished the primary goal of the Boring Company.

Avoiding LA traffic!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

One of North Korea's long term goals has been to eradicate poverty.

It sounds way better than eradicating the impoverished.

A woman wakes her husband up at 2 AM, saying

"Quick, who's scored the highest number of goals in football, ever?"

"Klose", replied the groggy husband.

"And how many episodes of Breaking Bad are there in total?"

"Huh? Wait, let me...55, no, 62, there's 62 total episodes" he replied.

"Who was that girl in that 'Saved ...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

My only goal in life is to be immortal

So far, so good

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another joke

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocaine during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"

Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts fl...

What do you call it when a seagull wants to do something by the end of the day in the water?

Sea goal

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

O.C. A coupon has an existential crisis...

A coupon has an existential crisis. He's been sitting in the utility drawer when he notices his expiration date is in a few days.Feeling useless, he walks out of the house and down the road until he comes upon a synagogue. In front of the synagogue is a Rabbi. The Rabbi asks: "Little Coupon! How ma...

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

I started watching soccer because I could see it’s very relevant to my life.

Little to no goals.

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

Squad goals:

To have a squad

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A old married couple is laying in bed

The old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.'

His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?'

The old man replied, 'its fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, 'Touchdown, tie score...'

After about five minutes the old man lets a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A older married couple were laying in bed one night....

reading a book before bed. The husband lets out a huge fart and says "Touch down"! His wife was disgusted at first but suddenly lets out a fart and says "Touchdown...Tie game". Not to be out done, the husband tries to fart again but only let out a tiny little toot...."field goal! 3 points"! The wife...

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle

A man goes to the store to get a hot water bottle. The clerk tells him he has just sold his last one. But if he wants to, he can take the cat, which should also accomplish the same goal of keeping his bed warm.
The man agrees and goes home with the cat.

The next day the man goes back to st...

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The little rooster

It is a beautiful summers day when Rocky the rooster is taking his son out of the house for the first time.

"Son" the rooster says, "today you will become a man!"

The young rooster jumps up and down in pure excitement. "What are we going to do dad!?"

"Well son, my buddy Jeff tol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar

A man walks into a bar and see Adolf Hitler. Confuse, the man walks up to him and ask, "Aren't you supposed to be dead?"

To which Hitler replies, "I was but God has given me a second chance and this time I'll accomplish my goal of killing all the Jews and a politician."

Surprise the ma...

Spanish is a tough language

it takes so much time and effort to say even a simple word such as "goal".

Met a girl who was into sports

She said she was in a football team and had to prevent goals at all costs.



She was a keeper.

A suspicious white substance was found today at Arizona Cardinals practice

Police concluded that the substance in question was actually the goal line, and we shouldn’t have to worry about any further scares this season.

Three men are sitting on a hill...

They decide to have a competition. The goal is to throw your watch up in the air, run down the hill, and catch it.
The first man prepares himself and throws up his watch. He runs as fast as he can down the hill, but the watch gets there before he does.
The second man (who is much faster than...

I just started a 2 month break from technology.

I started an hour ago. It's working out nicely so far.



Edit 1, 5/15/19: Dude I've never stuck to a goal this much.

How do you keep the Kansas City Chiefs away from your house?

Paint a goal line on your driveway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

a man is drinking in a bar, when a fireman walks in.

"The usual cocksucker" the barman calls out.

"hey cocksucker, hows it going? " another customer calls out

Then the waitress says "hey cocksucker, nice to see you"



The guy turns to the fireman and says "Hope you dont mind me asking, but why do they call you cocksucker"...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

Long ago there were two men, David and Nikolay the Wise

They were laying outside on a field one day comparing their intelligence when David turned to Nikolay.

He told Nikolay that he had a higher iq so he must be smarter. Nikolay just laughed and told him there was only one way to tell who was smarter. They must go to a canyon and cross it, the fi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Christian, a Muslim and a Jew are watching the Super Bowl.

Sitting directly behind one of the field goals, they've had the best seats in the house to a terrific contest.



With only one second left on the clock, a kicker runs up to potentially seal victory.



He kicks the ball hard and true, and it sails right between the posts, an...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The story of my rugby career

I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on. 5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see s...

So a blonde is invited to a Lying competition

The goal of the competition is to tell the most convincing, outrageous lie. The blonde thinks for days and days over what lie she is going to tell but she is never able to come up with a good one.

On the day of the competition, she walks up on stage, still lacking a good lie. She reaches for ...

My boss

My boss parks his brand new Ferrari next to my car. I told him: Nice Ferrari boss!
He responded: Well, if you work hard, set goals and achieve them and give always 110%, then I probably can get a Lamborghini next year.

How do you keep bears out of your backyard?

You install goal posts.

Why does T-Rex get to play only when his teammate is in penalty box?

He only scores short-handed goals

A boss shows one of his employees his new sports car.

“That is amazing,” the employee responds.

“Isn’t it?” replies the boss. “And if you set your goals higher and work even harder this year, I can get an even better car next year.”

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.

In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany...

So my boss just pulled up in a brand new loaded out BMW

I said "Wow nice ride!"

He said "Thanks! If you put in a lot overtime, meet all your deadlines, and help me meet all our our productivity goals, I can get another one next year!"

I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait unti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 underage guys walk into a bar

They order 3 beers but the bartender turns them down. They look sad so he feels sorry for them and makes a deal. If they have a combined penis length of 50 inches, they can buy their beer. They accept the deal and start measuring. The first guys has a 25” penis, the second 24 and the last one has 1”...

What’s similar between Buddhism and Reddit?

Both have a goal of collecting the most karma.

Track and field is perfect for introverts.

The goal is the be there the shortest time possible.

There is a new football club, Reddit F.C.

They play their first game, the striker has the ball near the goal with an open net. He smashes the ball to the post, gets it back, and smashes it to the post again. The crowd goes wild, cheering him as a god. The coach is baffled: "Why the hell is everybody celebrating him missing an open goal?!" T...

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