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Goal Jokes

I achieved my goal of personal growth...

verified by the scale this morning.

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

What do you call a 60 year old striker who averages 3 goals a game?

Jerry-hat-trick

When I was young, I set a life goal for myself: I will buy a Lamborghini at the age of 40. This year, I’ve finally achieved half of the goal.

I turned 40.

What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

I’m pleased to announce reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world.

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content.

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

Jogging goals

2016 - didn’t jog
2017 - didn’t jog
2018 - didn’t jog
2019 - didn’t jog
2020 - didn’t jog
2021 - still didn’t jog

Dammit. This is becoming a running joke now.

My goal for 2022 is to stay positive

That way I can just quarantine at home instead of going to work.

Wrote my 2022 New Years Day Goals

My top goal this year. Stay negative everyday.

If I don't, 5-10 day isolation for being positive.

It's kinda harsh but it will be very contagious and catchy.

You might say, It'll go viral.

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My life goal is to own a pub called The Nearest Blowjob.

And situate it in someplace that nonlocals struggle to find.

Drinking goals

So during the Corona virus ive decided to work on not drinking,

So far, i'm not able to drink a whole 18pack in one night.

I did it! I followed my goal to save $20 from each paycheck in 2020.

I have $60.

My goal is to be a scarecrow.

Outstanding in my field.

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

Relationship Goals

I want my relationship to be as long as a CVS receipt

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

If you’re interviewing for a fast food job and they ask about your short and long term goals

Short term : I want to work at McDonalds

Long term : I don’t want to work at McDonalds

My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

A lot of people say John F. Kennedy was goal-focused and determined...

But, by the end of his presidency, his mind was all over the place.

My goal is to own a major sports franchise in Oklahoma

The team will take its name from Oklahoma's history as a "boom" state during the early years of settlement when people were rushing to get in. Our jerseys will say "OK Boomers".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sex is like golf,

Playing every hole is the goal.

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

My only goal in life is to be immortal

So far, so good

My friend’s life goal was to try cocaine from all the different countries in the world.

He finally stopped at the Finnish line.

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

My stretch goal for 2018 is

to be able to touch my groin with my mouth.

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

Bill Gates said "the goal is the to be rich not look rich"

But I'm not going to take fashion advice from a nerd.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So I heard about this gym where your trainer will have sex with you if you hit your fitness goals...

...but to me that just sounds like prostitution with extra reps.

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

I asked a cannibalistic philantropist what his life goals were.

He replied: "To serve mankind."

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

What does my dad and my moms hopes, goals and dreams and have in common?

They both disappeared after i was born.

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

My goal in life is always turn the negative into the positive...

which is why I lost my job at the HIV clinic

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

For 2021, I’m setting a goal for myself to find a girlfriend. One that is faithful and actually wants to be with me.

I just can’t let the wife find out.

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

Why did the necromancer fail to meet his quarterly sales goal?

He ran his business on a skeleton crew.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A general inspects his troops

A rough old general has heard about a unit with the reputation of being filled with the toughest soldiers around and decides to see for himself.

After reviewing the troops he decides to go to the medical tent to meet the soldiers who weren't at the parade.

The general gets to the first...

A guy walks into a bar wearing a Browns jersey and carrying a cat that also has a Browns jersey on with a little Browns helmet on his head, too.

The guy says to the bartender, "Can my cat and I watch the Browns game here?
My TV at home is broke, and my cat and I always watch the game together."

The bartender replies, "Normally, cats wouldn't be allowed in the bar, but
it's not very busy in here right now, so you and the cat can ...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

My boss pulled up to work in his sweet new car this morning and I complimented him on it. He replied:

"Well, if you work hard, set goals, stay determined and put in long hours, I can get an even better one next year."

How do you keep the Detroit Lions out of your front yard.

Put up goal posts.

And I'm a lions fan. For some damn reason.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I've always wanted to marry a girl who's confident, hard working, and helps me achieve my goals....

So I married a stripper. Confident enough to be on stage naked, works long shifts in the middle of the night, helps me achieve my goals..that is until the song ends. That will be another 40 bucks.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

A $50 Lesson

A $50 Lesson

I recently asked my friend's little girl what she wanted to be when she grows up. She said she wanted to be President some day. Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, 'If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?' ...

A Jets fan walks into a bar with his dog.

The bartender says, "Hey bud, no pets allowed in here."

The man says, "But wait! This is a special dog, you have to turn on the game to see. When the Jets score, my dog does flips!"

Sure enough, when the bartender turns on the game, the Jets make a few field goals and the dog starts fl...

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the scientist who attempted to clone himself for his own sexual pleasure?

He had done great strides towards his goal over the years. But after the most recent attempt, he finally topped himself.

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