During a business meeting yesterday, a very nice guy asked me about my background. So I told him about my family, education, career, dreams and goals.

Turns out he was asking what's behind me on our Zoom call.

I brought my girlfriend to watch one of my soccer matches. When an opponent was about to score a goal, she stormed the field and prevented it with her bare hands.

She's a keeper.

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What's the point in thinking every hole is a goal?

Fuck nose.

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I'm so close to my goal weight I can taste it....

.... cause it's the only fucking thing I'm allowed to taste these days.

I'm pleased to announce Reddit has achieved its goal in becoming one of the top 10 green companies in the world!

The front page is now made up of over 90% recycled content

I have achieved my life's goal of writing an entire theatrical performance made up entirely of puns.

It's a play on words.

I achieved my goal of personal growth...

verified by the scale this morning.

My girlfriend is so sweet and loving, plus she plays in goal for the local football team

She's a keeper

Jogging goals

2016 - didn’t jog
2017 - didn’t jog
2018 - didn’t jog
2019 - didn’t jog
2020 - didn’t jog
2021 - still didn’t jog

Dammit. This is becoming a running joke now.

For 2020 my goal is to be less condescending to people.

Condescending means to talk down to someone.

The accident-prone wood cutter

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John accidentally cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to the hospital.

When they get to the hospital, a surgeon is able to see them right away. He says he's an expert at reattaching severed limbs, but that the surg...

What do you call a woman who stands between two goal posts?

Annette.

I did it! I followed my goal to save $20 from each paycheck in 2020.

I have $60.

For 2021, I’m setting a goal for myself to find a girlfriend. One that is faithful and actually wants to be with me.

I just can’t let the wife find out.

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Some breaking English football news.

Arsenal are to allow their goal keepers, to train without a mask,

club doctors confirm.

There's no way they can catch anything..

The main goal of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union...

was to make sure the line for Lenin's Mausoleum was longer than the line for bread.

Jeff Bezos' Advice

An Amazon employee greets Bezos shortly after his successful spaceflight and gives him a hearty congratulations. Jeff responds, "Well, if you work hard, set yourself goals and work with determination, I should be able to squeeze in 2 more flights before Christmas."

TIL of a reality show where the goal is to do as much drugs as possible without dying or getting caught.

It's called the Tour de France.

What's the worst thing that can happen to a football player?

To have no goal in life.

What does my dad and my moms hopes, goals and dreams and have in common?

They both disappeared after i was born.

My wife asked me if I was going to buy new pants now that my diet was done and I've finally reached my goal weight.

I told her I could never abandon them, they'd been with me through thick and thin.

I had a goal to lose 20 Pounds by the end of the year.

30 pounds to go

My goal is to be a scarecrow.

Outstanding in my field.

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As an Asian man, I have always wanted to know how it felt to be black. Today I finally accomplished that goal.

I sneezed and watched every one walk to the other side of the street.

TeamTrees reached their goal of 20,000,000 trees planted on the same day Trump got impeached.

Now millions of people can breathe easier.

You know what's the difference between 2020s Eurocup and a bucket list from a suicidal person?

The bucket list has more goals.

The Catholic church released a fun PC game which takes place in the garden of Eden. You play as Eve and Adam is hiding from you. Your goal is to hunt him down with a slingshot.

It's a first person shooter.

My friend’s life goal was to try cocaine from all the different countries in the world.

He finally stopped at the Finnish line.

A Chinese-owned social media platform has been poisoning breath mints to accomplish their goals.

It's the TikTok tic tac tactic.

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There once was a mathematician.

He made it his life’s goal to tackle one of the greatest unsolved calculus problems in history. For months he worked, filling blackboards with numbers and lines, to no avail.

After a year of struggling, he was ready to give up. He pulled out the bottle of wine that was *meant* to toast his s...

Why do politicians always finish a football match with golden goal?

They believe in first past the post

I only had one goal in life: to become a better dad than my dad was.

My dad beat me

Breznev and Nixon make a bet:

Breznev says: "In 2000 the entire world will be communist." Richard say he'd match that bet and predicts that the world would be entirely capitalist by 2000. They deep-freeze themselves.

In 2000 they are unfrozen. They go to a short wave and tune into "Voice of America": "... The central com...

My ultimate goal is to become a retractable tape measure.

You don't understand the lengths I'd go to.

When MLB starts back up, I will have successfully completed my goal...

To be banned from all 30 ballparks.

Why does Pepsi always achieve its goals?

It’s soda termined.

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I was sitting at the bar enjoying a drink to myself When next thing the door opened and in walked the most stunning woman I've ever laid eyes on.

5'11'' tall, stunning blue eyes, silky blonde hair, an hourglass figure.

Barely covered by a tiny mini skirt and a flimsy cotton top. I could see she was not wearing a bra and her incredibly firm breasts were on show.

After watching her walk in I turned back to my beer. No sooner had...

What do you call a girl who's preventing you from reaching your goal?

A keeper

I hope we are all able to achieve our new year's resolution goals.

But, I have a feeling we're going to drop the ball.

Football in Heaven

Two old men, Bert and Stan, sit on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about Football. Bert turns to Stan and asks, "Do you think there's Football in Heaven?"
Stan thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal -- if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if ther...

The USSR believed that any mistakes in its past were the results of noble men with noble goals.

Sure, noble.

My goal for next year is to save enough money to make myself a Velcro wall.

And I plan on sticking to it.

My friends asked me what are my goals for next year.

I said I don't have 2020 vision.

In a relationship, it's always important to push one another to achieve goals.

For example, my wife seems intent on helping me succeed at no-nut November, whether I like it or not.

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Problem solving

A software engineer, hardware engineer, and departmental manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes failed. The car careened out of control, bouncing off guardrails until it miraculously ground to a scraping halt along...

I asked a young chap what his life goal was.

He said, 'To curse at people from the top of a mountain.'



'Erm,' I frowned, 'really?'



He said, 'Swear down.'

MOM: "No more TV until you finish your math homework!"

KID: "Aww, Mom! When am I ever gonna use math in real life? I'm gonna grow up to be a super rich rock star...I'll pay people to do math \*for\* me."
MOM: "Well, why didn't you say so? That's a wonderful goal! And I know exactly how to help you pursue it."


THE NEXT DAY
MOM:...

My goal is to become an optimist. I have done absolutely nothing for the goal so far ...

... but that’s already a very good start!!!

Our goal was to play D&D all day today but...

No dice.

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A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

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Since Hitler missed his goals

shouldn't he be called Flopler?

Wife: I want you to score a goal in me

Husband: Blow the whistle and the game will start.

Patrick died and went to the gates of heaven

There he saw a man with a halo sitting behind a table waiting. As he approached the Saint looked up and Patrick saw two keys hanging around his neck on a chain, the keys to the pearly gates themselves. This must be St. Peter, Patrick thought.

''Hello Patrick. I just have to check through you...

Decided to set myself a goal of 25 books this year. Finished last night!

That Suess guy really makes some great reads!

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What’s the similarity between you during sex & Messi during a penalty?

Both of you miss the goal.

As a farmer, my days can be a bit lonely. I find solace in discussing my dreams and goals with my animals. Well all of my animals except for the horses, never the horses...

I wouldn’t discuss anything with that group of neigh sayers.

I figured out why they call them “step goals”

You don’t love them as much as your real goals

Attempt to set world record orgy falls short of its goal ...

"Not enough people came" - Stephen Colbert

What do you call 90 year old named Jeremy that's scored 3 goals?

Jerry Hat-Trick

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During the late thirties the Nazi party hosted a friendly soccer game versus England. The Nazi's star goalkeeper was Hans Bratvender.

Late in the game Hans, overcome with Nationalist pride, turned to face the Chancellor's private box, stood to attention and gave a Nazi salute.

At that moment, the English forward kicked from outside the goal crease, and scored what would be the winning goal.

When asked later to explai...

Rumor has it that distraught Chicago Bear's field goal kicker Cody Parker tried to end his life recently.

The bullet went wide right.

What is a cats greatest goal in life?

To have a Purrrposeful existence.

Two old men in Glasgow are talking...

"Here, did you see the Vienna Philharmonic are coming to town?"

\- "Nae bother, I reckon Rangers'll stick a couple of goals past 'em"

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Customer satisfaction

Don't think I've seen this posted here so here goes

A company executive decided to have lunch at this restaurant with rave reviews. He sat down at a table and noticed that every waiter had a spoon in their shirt pocket. He called a waiter over to ask him about this.

'I noticed somethin...

The lion’s birthday is coming up and he wants entertainment.

So he tells the zebra to find the funniest animal in the whole kingdom. In order to do this the zebra decides to hold a competition in which animals will have to compete in front of a judge. Whoever the first one to makemake the judge laugh wins and will perform for the lion.

So the first thi...

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Old married couple play fart football .

An old married couple no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas and says, 'Seven Points.' His wife rolls over and says, 'What in the world was that?' The old man replied, 'It's fart football.'

A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says, ‘Touchdown, tie score…’

After ...

How many Polish soccer players does it take to score a goal?

2: One polish player to score the goal, and one polish goal keeper to try to stop him.

Did you guys see the goal from half field today in the World Cup?

It was a great U.S. attack from Midway

My goal in life is always to turn a negative into a positive.

Which is why I lost my job at the blood bank.

My only goal in life is to be immortal

So far, so good

Relationship Goals

I want my relationship to be as long as a CVS receipt

How do schools of fish meet their annual goals?

They call in a-fish-in-sea experts.

What does Thanos, Nike, and Darth Sidious have in common?

Just Do It

(would also accept uses young children to complete goals.

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My friend told me one of her life goals is to have sex in every state...

I can help her with "unconscious"

What did the hockey puck say to the goal post?

Pyeonchanngggg

My goal for 2017....

....is to accomplish the goals of 2016 which I should have done in 2015 because I made a promise in 2014 and planned in 2013

Putin scored eight goals in that exhibition hockey game. Apparently he has an incredible slap shot...

... if you don't let him score, he slaps you and then shoots you.

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The Britain had just colonized Malaysia, three local criminals were caught and brought to the British Commander...

"They committed such deadly crimes, they should be beheaded!" The Lieutenant suggested the Commander.

Hearing that, the three criminals pleaded for their lives to the Commander.

The Commander agreed to let them live under one condition, which was to collect 10 fruits of same type.
<...

The MI5, the CIA and the KGB are having a competition

Three small parties of all three Agencies meet on neutral ground, on the edge of a big german forest.

For the goal of the competition, they decided that each of their parties should catch a rabbit, using their espionage skills. The party that manages to catch the rabbit the quickest, wins....

The Olympics of who has more children.

A battle between an American, a Brit, and a Filipino.

It's a competition of who has the most number of children the story of how the Filipino beat the American and a Brit.


It's the Olympics and a lot of audience gathered in a dome, a massive 80,000-seater oval dome. All seats are...

Which country have scored the most world cup goals?

The mongoals.

Quincy inherited a large sum of money at a young age from his father, but he wasted it all on illicit drugs and became destitute and homeless.

It's a cold December night in New York City, with temperatures well below freezing point. Quincy shivers in his one and only winter coat, the same one he's had for the past ten years, lying on a park bench sheltered by nothing but tree canopies. Quincy, in a rare moment of soberness and self-reflect...

My dog does back-flips when the Raiders kick a field goal.......

my buddy asked me what he does when they score a touch-down and I told him I didn't know, I've only had him for 6 years.

Goals:

0) Start indexing at zero

A hen lays a shockingly huge egg.

News reporters visit the hen for an interview. “This is amazing,” they tell the hen, “a two pound egg, that’s unheard of!

Do you have any goals for the future?”

“Yes, I’m really aiming for a four pounder!” says the hen proudly.

“And you, sir, congratulations,” the reporters app...

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I've always wanted to marry a girl who's confident, hard working, and helps me achieve my goals....

So I married a stripper. Confident enough to be on stage naked, works long shifts in the middle of the night, helps me achieve my goals..that is until the song ends. That will be another 40 bucks.

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

My goal in life is to get my face on a coin.

That way I can be the change I wish to see in the world.

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Oldie but goodie

At Bob’s regular therapy session, the discussion move towards his dreams.

Bob mentions he keeps having a recurring dream that he is a tepee touring the Pow Wow circuit.

He is not of indigenous origin so his therapist is intrigued and wonders how this could be.

He asks Bob to ...

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A fat businessman joins a gym... [NSFW]

As he emerges from the shower in the locker room one of the trainers notices him toweling off.

"You must be a new member here", the trainer says. "What caused you to join our gym?"

"Well," says the businessman, "I've been getting out of shape for so long, I realized one day that it's b...

Squad goals:

To have a squad

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