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Direct Jokes

Chuck Norris looked directly at the sun today...

And the sun got so scared it hid behind the moon.

 
 
 
 

My boyfriend is upset that I have no sense of direction.

So I packed up my stuff and right.

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What do you call breasts that have both magnitude and direction?

Vector quantitties

"Yoda, are you sure we are heading in the right direction?"

Yoda replies: "off course we are"

A woman entered the pharmacy, approached the pharmacist, made direct eye contact, and began to speak.

"I would like to buy some cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady: "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed: "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband! That's...

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

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Who’s the worse singer to give you directions?

John Denver. He thinks the Blue Ridge Mountains and the Shenandoah Valley are in West Virginia.

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A man has problems with urinating in one direction

This gentlemen was in a frightful state, bursting into the public lavatory sweating and groaning. Desperate to have a pee, he stands in the middle cubicle between two guys and let’s rip. The pee flies everywhere, up the walls, onto his shoes and all over the other guys who are disgusted and run out ...

My parents told me to leave the house because I didn’t know my directions

So I packed my things and right

A driver stops to ask a man for directions

"What's the fastest route to the city," she asks.

"I don't know," the man replies, "but last week I took road 42."

"And that went well?" asks the driver.

"I'd say so, yes."

The driver, happy with the answer, thanks the man and drives on.

A little while later, howev...

A guy with a “Baby on Board” sticker just backed out of a parking spot and directly hit my car.

This guy has serious issues with pulling out.

My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.

So I packed my bags and right left away!

Wife: I don't understand why, but you have no sense of direction whatsoever.

Husband : Where did that come from?

I have the worst sense of direction...

... not really sure where I'm going with this.

I hate One Direction fans...

Oscillating ones cool down a room much better.

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A recruit's father has died and the drill sergeant is asked to tell him in a considerate and non-direct way

So the next day, the sergeant gets the whole squad lined up.



"Everyone whose father is alive, one step forward! Johnson, and where the fuck are you going?!"

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I was sick of my wife always making fun of my crappy sense of directions...

... so I packed my things and right!

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Apparently it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethic minority, so...

An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Gurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, two Kiwis, a German, an American, a South African, a Cypriot, an Egyptian, a Japanese, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Swede, a Finn, a Dane, a Romani, a Bulgarian, a Swiss, a Greek, a Bulgaria...

What do you call a dolphin with no direction in life?

Lacking porpoise.

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You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it...

Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Get your drunk ass off the merry-go-round.

What do you call a canine with no sense of direction?

A Where-wolf

George Clooney, Leonardo Dicaprio and Matthew Mcconaughey got together to make a movie...

George Clooney said, "I'll direct."

Dicaprio said, "I'll produce."

And Matthew McConaughey said, "I'll write, I'll write, I'll write."

I asked where I could find the Professor of Directions.

His assistant said he was busy writing a book.

I said, "What is the book about?"

He said, "It's a book about the opposite of left."

I said, "That sounds about right."

What does the Mandalorian say when you ask him for directions?

"This is the way"

What about when you're uncertain if he's right?

"I have spoken"

Who was asked to direct a gothic horror about a tree falling down?

Tiiiiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmbbbbbbbbbuuuuuurrrrrrrton.

Called my wife on her cell to warn her about this crazy driver on the news who’s speeding down the highway in the wrong direction.

She replied: “I know! There’s like hundreds of them!”

Which direction do you head if you want to find a bakery?

Yeast.

My wife hated that I didn’t have a sense of direction

So I packed my stuff up and right

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

What happens to Nitrogen when you put it in direct sunlight?

It becomes DAYTROGEN!

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions.....

An Englishman stops Paddy for directions... "Excuse me pal, what's the quickest way to Dublin?"

Paddy says "Are you on foot or in the car?"

The Englishman says "In the car."

Paddy replies "That's the quickest!"

A Hollywood janitor decided to try his hand at directing

He's billing himself as "the director who swept the Oscars"

Two Men on a Camping Trip See a Bear Heading In Their Direction.

The first guy starts to panic, while the second guy calmly begins to lace up his sneakers.

First guy: "Are you crazy? You can't outrun that bear."

Second guy: "No, but I can outrun you."

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Me: Doctor, I am afraid of directions

Therapist: right

Me: *screaming*

Therapist: *What’s up?*

Me: *screaming intensifies*

One time a standup comedian started telling direction puns.

They were downright disgraceful; the audience up and left.

Bad With Directions

My last girlfriend broke up with me because I was horrible with directions...


So I packed up my belongings and right.

I’m banned for life from acting in our production of Romeo and Juliet, just because I misunderstood the stage directions.

It said, [Enter Juliet from the rear]

What did the skunk say when the wind changed direction?

*"It’s all coming back to me now."*

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A Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.

"You come to the front door of the apartment. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I will buzz you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in and with your elbow, push 3. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my...

There are 11 types of errors when programming directly in binary...

Syntax errors,

Memory management errors,

Math errors, and

Off-by-one errors.

.
.

Who directed 2020?

Quentin Quarantino

The secret to good communication is to keep your language simple and direct.

So, never use sesquipedalian words.

My wife never listens when I give directions

She left because I was right.

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A young couple traveling on wild west, decided to ask a cowboy for directions.

The cowboy was sitting in his horse and rolling a cigarette. The man approaches him and says:

"Excuse me, could you tell us how far from here is the closest town?"

The cowboy ignores him and continues rolling his cigarette, and the man pissed off, said:

"Who the fuck do you th...

It doesn't matter how fast I'm going. What matters is that I'm moving forward in the right direction.

police officer: That's very inspiring, but you're still getting a ticket.

If I had a dollar for every time someone said not to look directly at the eclipse...

I'd have enough money to pay for the eye surgery I need now!

If you were to write a direct, very short introduction for Microsoft Office's word processor, it might be a...

...forward four-word foreword for Word.

My wife's terrible with directions

And I always make fun of her. But tonight I went too far. She got so mad, she packed all her things and right.

Why is that guy directing the orchestra so electrifying?

Because he is the conductor.

A Swiss man, looking for directions, pulls up at a bus stop where two Americans are waiting.

“Entschuldigung, koennen Sie Deutsch sprechen?” he asks. The two Americans just stare at him.

“Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?” he tries. The two continue to stare. “Parlare Italiano?” No response.

“Hablan ustedes Espanol?” Still nothing. The Swiss guy drives off, extremely disgus...

Apple wanted to launch a new product directed at children.

In retrospect, it was probably not the best idea to call it "iTouch Kids".

Zayn leaving one direction is just like putting a fork into a sausage..

It leaves four little pricks.

I am the man who is open, honest, and direct, especially when dealing with unpalatable matters

But you can call me Frank

Why does listening to One Direction make people age more quickly?

It makes you go see Niall.

What do you call a large reptile who's great with directions?

A good navi-gator.

I directed a movie about my broken leg.

It had a stellar supporting cast.

Wrong direction

A guy gets home and his wife tells him "Be careful, there is an insane person in the neighborhood who is driving in the wrong direction".

The guy replies "Only one? There are many!"

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What do call an alligator that's really good with directions?

~~A navigator.~~ Fucking terrifying

A North American arrives in the UK on vacation and needs directions.

Two plus size women with accents are walking by. The Foreigner says “excuse me. Do you two gals happen to be from England”. One of the women replies “ No idiot. Wales!!!!”

The Foreigner is taken aback. “ I’m sorry, let me start over” he says. “ Excuse me. Do you two whales ha...

How do you say ‘direction’ in pig Latin?

Hope you had a good one!

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If you’ve never seen a weathervane on the roof of a barn, it’s a device designed to tell the farmer the wind direction.

And very often, the top of it is a metal rooster (or a cock, if you prefer).

And do you know why they put a cock on a weathervane?

Because if they put a cunt up there, the wind would blow right through it.

*thanks to George Carlin*

Why did Miss Muffet need directions?

She lost her Whey.

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As a vampire I cannot bear direct sunlight, which is why I moved to Scotland

But now I can't find any virgins!

-- Frankie Boyle

The Secretary of Defense directed members of different services to secure a building.

The Navy personnel turned off the lights and locked the door.

The Army personnel occupied the building and ensured no one could enter.

The Marines attacked it, captured it, and set up defenses.

The Air Force secured a two-year lease with an option to buy.

One day, Tarzan is swinging through the jungle on his favourite vine when he crashes into a monkey swinging in the other direction.

They both land safely on a tree limb below, but when Tarzan looks up, there is only one vine hanging above them. Next to it, there is only a very thin branch.

"Were you swinging on that thing?" asks Tarzan.

"Yes," replies the monkey.

Tarzan is amazed. "How do you do that?"
...

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I'm terrible with directions.

Fuck me, left?

How one direction ended.

The gone 5 directions

Who should direct the eventual Coronavirus movie where people are barefoot inside their homes?

Quentin Quarantino

I've tried to blow air in many directions but failed

Gotta say, I'm not a fan.

Thank you for calling ELVIS Direct

Press 1 for the money
2 for the show

George W. Bush, Barack Obama and Donald Trump were all leaving Washington D.C. and going the same direction, so they decided to take Air Force 1.

Unfortunately, due to a mechanical malfunction, Air Force 1 crashed, killing all aboard.

So Bush, Obama, and Trump approached the pearly gates, where God sat on his throne.

“Tell me, what do you believe in?” God asked Mr. Bush.

“I believe in education and free trade,” was the re...

So I heard Jessica Jones is directed by only Females

Well thats one way of saving 20% on production costs

What do you call a cable that connects you directly to the heavens?

An aethernet cable

What direction did Mr. Bread go?

Yeast.

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I started my new job as a bingo caller last night and halfway through calling the numbers I farted loudly. My boss immediately came over and whispered in my ear, "Don't do that again."

"Sorry," I said, "It must be the nerves."

"Fair enough," he replied, "But there was no need to hold the microphone directly on your asshole."

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How does Hitler give directions?

He says "take the Third Reich".

I’m dyslexic and have no sense of direction.

I don’t know my ears from my below

I asked the librarian if she would direct me to the "self help" books.

She said "that sort of defeats the purpose doesn't it"

This post is directed to the person who hacked my reddit account.

I swear I'm going to find out who you are!

I was on a road trip with my wife, who insisted on staring at large map, and barking out directions...

...So I took it off her, and scrunched it up into a little ball.

She was not impressed to say the least, and whined "how are we going to find our way now" as she un-crumpled the paper, "we're lost now".

I said "well you're not going to get anywhere with that latitude".

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A trucker who has been out on the road for two months stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks directly up to the Madam, drops down $500, and says, "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my prettiest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies, "Listen darlin’,...

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I had to ask my phone directions to the hospital.

It’s reply was, “Keep texting and driving, asshole.”

How did the band One Direction get it's name?

Because when they're running the trainbang they're all facing... one direction.

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Not saying there is a direct correlation between Trump's election...

But the Chinese did say this would be the year of the Cock ages ago!

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I am thinking of buying a Honda directly from Japan and pay all the necessary tariffs.

It’ll be my Civic duty.

What's a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander Woman.

I got jumped by five black guys in Baltimore...

They were real nice. Car started right up, and they even helped me with directions back to the interstate.

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If you ever hear these four words directed at you, you will be forced to realize how really fucking stupid you are.

"Hi. I'm Chris Hansen."

A blind man ask me for directions to get to the bar.

I don't really know where I'm going with this, but neither does the blind man.

The movie Speed didn't have a director...

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

Yo mama so fat, you can see directly behind her

Gravitational lensing

What's the difference between one direction and futurama

There's only one bender in futurama

What were four members of One Direction doing in the wig shop?

They were looking for hairy styles.

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I'm directing a film...

... And starring in it, as a shaggy groundskeeper from Northern New England who leads midnight raids on the estate's garden.

I'm the main character, mane caretaker, Maine carrot-taker.

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