UPJOKE
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Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.

The barman says, ‘We don’t serve pieces of string here.’

So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, ‘They don’t serve strings here’.

Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.

So string 3 gets...

A man walks into a bar with two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

The man asks the bartender "why there is meat hanging from the ceiling?" , and the bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you att...

Did you know the inventor of Reese's Pieces has a master's in biology specializing in monkeys?

He did a Rhesus thesis.

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

I used to have a job assembling tiny pieces of cheese.

It was degrating.

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A man walks into a bar...

He sits down at the counter and starts getting himself really good and drunk. Like, properly pissed. After a while, he feels a certain heaviness in his colon, so he calls over the bartender.

"'Scuse me," he asks blearily. "Where's the bathroom?"

"Oh, it's right down the hall!" the bart...

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

As Governor of California, Arnold Schwarzenegger had to attend many high society functions. One such function was a fund raiser which featured a symphony orchestra playing a medley of pieces by famous composers.

Arnie, as is well known, has only one preference when it comes to classical composers, but sat patiently during the performance.

There were selections by Bach, Beethoven, Mozart, Tchaikovsky and more.

The Governor began to get quite perturbed when, after over an hour and half, his favo...

The LEGO Museum was hit by an earthquake.

Many were devastated that nearly all of the brick sculptures were destroyed,

but the staff were able to pick up the pieces and move on.

what happens to people who dies in a bomb blast

They rest in pieces

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar. The first piece of string says I am going to get a drink. He walks up to the bartender and says " Bartender give me a drink!" The bartender replies, "Are you a piece of string?" and the string replies, "Yes I am!" The bartender says "Get outta here, we don't ser...

Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake

Why did the movie studio cancel the film about menstruation?

They wanted to move away from period pieces.

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

I got hungry while playing scrabble, so I ate all of the pieces

Tomorrows bowel movement could spell trouble

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

I’m tired of my friend complaining about missing one piece of his 10k puzzle…

If he thinks that’s bad, I’m missing 9999 pieces.

I can cut a piece of wood in two pieces just by looking at it.

It may seem impossible, but I saw it with my own two eyes

If two pieces of toast are making love...

When one of them is close to finishing, do they scream "I’m gonna crumb!"?

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Super old joke I heard a million years ago

Two pieces of shit walk down the street and see a diarrhea coming towards them.

The diarrhea asks:

"Hi guys, can I hang out with you?"

The two pieces of shit look at each other, then back at the diarrhea and say:

"No, sorry buddy, we only hang out with tough guys."

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.

15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.

The bartender notices this ...

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere

When my wife came home from work, I said, "Sit down, I've got some bad news. The cat's torn your budgie to pieces."

She replied with tears in her eyes, "We don't have a cat." I said, "I know, I had to borrow one."

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George claims that his dick is the "Hardest Dick In The World!"

George will pay anyone $5000 cash to anyone who can bring him something absolutely harder than his dick.


One man brings a basketball-sized boulder. George easily smashes the boulder with his dick. The man picks up the boulder pieces and angrily walks off.


A second man brings a ...

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

What is it called when the pieces in the corner of a chessboard move diagonally

A rookie mistake

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There was once a Japanese man named Fuk

Perhaps due to his unfortunate name, and the trouble it brought, he had a great love of alcohol, particularly the rice wine Sake. Every day he would drink an entire bottle from his special stash that was rumoured to contain hundreds upon hundreds of bottles.

Tragedy struck however, upon finis...

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

TIL you need an Act of Congress to move some pieces of furniture in the White House.

Approving new Cabinet positions is such a drag.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

What did the art museum do when their LEGO exhibit was inadvertently destroyed?

They were distraught, but eventually they picked up the pieces and moved on.

There's never any good jokes about pieces of paper.

They're all tearable.

One year for my sister’s wedding anniversary, I bought my sister a jigsaw puzzle that when put together would show her wedding picture.

Little did I know that shortly after that, her marriage literally went to pieces.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 pieces of cake?

Diabetes! We’re you expecting a Pi joke?

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

An Englishman goes on a hunting tour of the Americas. He first stops in Canada, where he shoots a large male grizzly bear

In order to ease the transportion of his trophy, the Englishman cuts the bear into pieces, seperating the legs, the arms and head from the torso. He then continues his tour southward crossing the border into the USA.

At the border a customs agent checks his belongings. "Sir," says the agent "...

I ordered some Avocado Toast at a cafe, but imagine my surprise when I was given 602214076000000000000000 pieces of toasts. It was then I realized...

...I'd accidentally ordered Avogadro's Toast.

A conversation in the train compartment of a speedtrain

"What are you chewing on all the time?"

"Apple cores."

"And what's that good for?"

"It promotes intelligence."

"I see, can you give me four of those, too?"

"Gladly. Four pieces cost eight Dollars."

The passenger pays and gets the kernels.

After chewin...

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

One day 3 immigrants

One day 3 immigrants were sitting in a bar: A Syrian, an Afghan and a Turkish

The Syrian finishes his beer, throws the glass in the air and shoots it with his gun. As pieces of glass are raining on them he says "In Syria glasses were so cheap that we never drank from the same glass twice"
...

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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

Jesus and his apostles walk into a restaurant...

Matthew asks for a table for 26. The server says " But there is only 13 of you" Paul says "But we all want to sit on the same side of the table."

Then the group skips out early leaving Judas with the bill.

"Jusus Christ man, where am I going to find 30 pieces of silver

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