Pieces Jokes - 58 Hilarious Pieces Jokes

A man walks into a bar and sees two pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling...

Confused, he asks the bartender "why do you have meat hanging from your ceiling?" The bartender says "I'm glad you asked, currently we have a challenge going on where if you can jump up and slap both pieces of meat with your hands I'll cover your tab for the whole rest of the night. However, if you ...

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A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar

A black piece of asphalt walks into a bar and slams his fist down on the bar loudly proclaiming, "I demand a free drink because I'm the toughest motherfucker in here!" The barman, not wanting any trouble, hands the piece of asphalt a beer.

About 20 minutes pass when another piece of asphalt w...

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It was Friday night. Frank, Jim and Ed were at the game ready to watch 26 infected zombie girls tear each other to pieces.

Tied around the inside of the arena, the infected girls are labelled A-Z, with fresh meat tied to their backs to entice them to fight. The winner is the last one standing.

Over 50,000 spectators watch from the stands behind a wire fence, betting slips in hand and eager for the fight to begin....

Three pieces of string walk into a bar.

String 1 asks for a drink for himself and one for each of his friends.

The barman says, ‘We don’t serve pieces of string here.’

So, string 1 goes back to his friends and says, ‘They don’t serve strings here’.

Then string 2 tries but gets the same result.

So string 3 gets...

Two pieces of vomit were walking down the street

One starts crying.

You OK mate says the other?

Yeah I'm good, just a bit emotional, I was brought up around here.

I just bought a knife that can cut 8 pieces of bread at once.

It's a four loaf cleaver.

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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

I treat women like pieces of meat

I'm a vegan - I haven't touched one in years

Two pieces of Road walk into a bar

They order two large beers and talk loudly, they are the toughest pieces of road in the building.

15 minutes later, a small piece of pavement walks through and asks for a small orange juice. When the roads see him, they move into the corner and stay quiet.

The bartender notices this ...

In meat isle, two pieces of meat are talking.

One says...
Man, I really hate those sausages.

The other replies...
Yeah, they're the wurst!

A hen laid eyes on some pieces of lettuce.

The chicken caesar salad.

Why do you never see pieces of paper at bodybuilding competitions?

Because they would have to get shredded.

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

My nan was doing a jigsaw puzzle of a chicken but she said the pieces weren't right.

I said, "Nan, it's a box of Cornflakes!"

My friend is losing his mind over missing a piece of his 5000 piece puzzle

If he thinks thats bad, I'm missing 4999 pieces

A Blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table. He st...

I used to have a job assembling tiny pieces of cheese.

It was degrating.

I've got 2 pieces of advice for yall

1: don't tell people everything

I finally realize why authoritarian governments banned blank pieces of A4 paper in protests

It’s not Legal

When I make a pizza for a bar customer I always ask them if I should cut it into six pieces or eight

Because some people aren't hungry enough to eat eight pieces. That joke isn't very funny. I guess pizza jokes are all about the delivery.

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Carl is in the 10th year of a life sentence when he gets a new cellmate, Jim.

...after taking some time to size Jim up and decide that he can trust him, Carl tells Jim about his plan to escape.

"You see, " Carl says "for the first 5 years I was inside, I trained my digestive system to follow my command. Now I can eat something and it comes out broken down into it's com...

A piece of toast walks into a bar.

The bartender starts chatting with him.
"Where are you from? I haven't met many pieces of toast."

The piece of toast takes a long sip of beer, and says "Well, I was born and bread in New York."

While my roommate was sleeping, I dumped chess pieces on his head.

You should have seen the rook on his face.

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar

3 pieces of string walk up to a bar. The first piece of string says I am going to get a drink. He walks up to the bartender and says " Bartender give me a drink!" The bartender replies, "Are you a piece of string?" and the string replies, "Yes I am!" The bartender says "Get outta here, we don't ser...

You do some gardening once, you do not become a gardener. You nail two pieces of wood together, you do not become a woodworker.

So I do not see how I could be a murderer, your honour.

My brother was murdered today

cop: do you mind identifying the body \[puts hand on my shoulder\] I have to warn you the body was hacked up.

me: \[tearing up\] yes that's my brother Reese.

cop: you're sure?

me: \[nodding\] those are Reese's Pieces.

If two pieces of toast are making love...

When one of them is close to finishing, do they scream "I’m gonna crumb!"?

Why is it generally a bad idea to marry chess pieces?

Well many would think of it as a Rook-ie mistake

When the cheese factory exploded, people found pieces of it miles away

There was de Brie everywhere

Losing game pieces sucks...

Especially when it's hide and seek...

I'll never forget you, Brian..

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I swallowed a bunch of scrabble pieces today.

My next shit could spell disaster.

What do you call a local store that sells costume pieces and theater pieces?

A Mom and Prop Shop

Did you know the inventor of Reese's Pieces has a master's in biology specializing in monkeys?

He did a Rhesus thesis.

Where do you get more chess pieces?

at the pawn shop!

Some people were swordfighting with long pieces of bread. Then, pretty soon, everyone was swordfighting with long pieces of bread

because violence baguettes violence.

What do you get when you cut an avocado into 6.022x10^23 pieces?

Guacamole.

There's never any good jokes about pieces of paper.

They're all tearable.

Three dinosaurs are running across the desert when they stumble upon a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

I got hungry while playing scrabble, so I ate all of the pieces

Tomorrows bowel movement could spell trouble

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What do you call chess pieces that have sex together?

Pawn stars.

I caught my girlfriend cheating with my best friend.

She was tired of getting beaten all the time, and he was jealous of all my money and property. I was so upset when I found out, that I flipped the game board over and left them to pick up all the pieces.

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I swallowed two pieces of string

A few hours later they were tied together

I shit you knot

Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together

Totally nailed it

What do you call 52 pieces of bread?

A deck of carbs.

What do you get if you eat 3.14 pieces of cake?

Diabetes! We’re you expecting a Pi joke?

I heard they exhumed the remains of a legendary French leader, and disassembled his skeleton into 206 separate pieces...

Napoleon bone-apart

Have been putting 3.14 on pieces of jewellery.

Pioneering work, I think you'll agree.

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A cucumber, a pickle, and a penis were talking about how horrible their lives are...

The cucumber says, "my life sucks. I get left in the garden until I'm huge. Then cut into pieces and put in a salad." The pickle says, "That's nothing! I get to sit in a jar with vinegar till I get swollen. Then I get eaten." The penis laughs and says, " When I get huge, they throw a bag over my hea...

The executioner decapitated the man in a single stroke, and then hacked him into pieces.

Almost a flawless execution, but then he butchered it.

What is it called when the pieces in the corner of a chessboard move diagonally

A rookie mistake

Three pieces of string enter a bar...

The first string approaches the counter and says, "Beer, please." The bartender says, "We don't serve strings here, get out." The second string goes up to the bartender and says, "Bloody Mary, please." The bartender says, "Didn't you hear what I told your friend? We don't serve strings here. Get out...

Three pieces of strings walk into a bar

One string walks toward the bartender and asks for three drinks, for himself & his friends. The bartender says they don’t serve strings and refuses their order. The second string does the same thing, and also get turned down similarly.

The third string thinks for a while, and ties himsel...

Two pieces or tarmac are in a bar arguing about who's the hardest

A red piece of tarmac then enters the bar and the two other pieces shut right up and start minding their own business. After the bartender serves the red piece of tarmac a drink and it takes a seat he turns to the other two and asks "what was up with you two? I thought you were supposed to be dead h...

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I ate some scrabble pieces

I shit you not

Two pieces of tarmac are sitting at a bar having a drink...

Suddenly, a red piece of tarmac storms into the bar and one of the pieces of tarmac having a drink jumps under the table to hide, his friend says to him, “what are you doing?”, he replies, “hiding, you don’t want to mess with him, he’s a cyclepath.”

Two women buy three pieces of cake for two Euros each

The bakery clerk says: "That makes five Euros."

One woman to the other: "You can say anything against the school system, but it is consumer-friendly."

Finally got a job making chess pieces

I start on nights next week

A Piece Of String Walks Into A Bar...

He quickly notices a sign that says, "No String Allowed, We do not serve pieces of String."

Before anyone notices, he rushes to the bathroom and hides in a stall.

He messes himself up, makes himself look rough and tattered. Then he contorts his body into a twisted and uncomfortable pos...

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