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Package Jokes

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A blonde sees a guy walking down the street with a package labeled "The Dildo Store"

"What's in the bag?" asks the blonde.

"Dildos"

"I'm horny. If I can guess how many are in the bag, may I have one right now?

"If you guess correctly, you can have both of them."

The blonde smiles and says, "Five?"

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

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*The Viagra package*

The man was just prescribed Viagra to help his love life.


Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

...

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources officer asked a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, “and what starting salary are you looking for?” The engineer replies, “In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

The interviewer inquires, “Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, fourteen paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years? Say, a red Corvette?” The engineer sits up straight and says, “Wow!! ...

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

A woman said to her husband: "I just dreamt that you gave me a necklace of pearls. What do you think it means?"

The man smiled and said: "You'll know tonight." That evening, the man came home with a small package which he gave to his wife. She embraced him, and then slowly and unwrapped the package. It contained a book entitled, The Meaning of Dreams.

Always read the package insert

"Doc, the suppository you prescribed... they really stuck to my gum and teeth".

"What? You didn't swallow them, did you?"

"Of course I did, what else was I supposed to do with them, shove 'em up my ass?"

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What is a package that is smuggled in rectum called?

An arcel.

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Are you a package?

Cause I’d like to fedex your box to bangcock.

What did the toilet say to the guy who ate a whole package of sausages?

Doo your wurst!

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I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

The hardest part of measuring Trump's package..

Is sneaking a ruler into Chris Christie's mouth

Yo mama so dumb

that she spent 5 hours staring at a glass of orange juice because it said ‘concentrate’ on the package.

My ex is going thru a hard time so I decided to send her a food package care package...

Fed Ex.

The UPS guy accidentally dropped my package

Ups

Whats the same about a package of gum and a gun?

If you take it out in class, everyone will want to be your friend

How does a deaf person accept a package?

They sign for it

What do you call a package of documents sent via boat?

Pier to pier file transfer!

What do packages taste like?

Parsley.

Did you hear the joke about the FedEx package?

I didn't get it.

I got an empty package from Acuvue.

It was a contactless delivery.

What did the Senate have to say about the new stimulus package?

Let them eat cake!

Why is the stimulus package not helping stop covid-19?

Because it's still up in the air.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

Olympic Condoms. (NSFW)

A man was shopping in a nearby supermarket when he noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms". He bought it, and told his wife about it.



" - Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"



" - They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."



" - And what ...

The postman said he'd hold my package till I got home...

it was an uncomfortable walk.

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A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction.

The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

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The other day a mysterious package appeared on my doorstep.

Upon further inspection, I realized it was a large bowl-shaped object with two knobs that controlled the outflow of a liquid. I stood on the doorstep and yelled to my wife to come and look. She told me she had ordered it for the bathroom.

Let that sink in.

Gilligan eats the last package of cookies on the island.

Ginger snaps.

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They DoD realized they have too many Generals.

So they offer a retirement package where they have a doctor measure the distance between any two points on their body and they get $10,000 for every inch.

An Air Force General is the first two take the offer and has the doctor measure him from the top of this head to the bottom of this feet. ...

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Why Condoms comes in 3,6 and 12 Pack?

A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks, “What are these, Dad?”

To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son. Men use them to have safe $ex.”

“Oh, I see,” replied the boy pensively. ...

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A man had a [Long] penis

He had a 25 inch long package.

It created difficulties in his life as it was not easy to move around with it and women were afraid of him too.

One day he was wondering to himself how he could change his penis and his life into a normal one while walking down a road, there, he came ac...

I bought a package of camouflage condoms last night

She never saw me coming

How do they package bread at the bakery?

They baguette.

What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?

His Parceltongue.

Hus: I got a package with bullets and arabic note today

Wife: Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from doctor.

Why did the UPS driver give the package to the deaf person?

Because they signed for it

I think the Stimulus Package is a sick April Fools joke.

It’s a Stimu-LIE!!!

What did the Redditor say when he received a package from the Unabomber?

Wow! I didn’t expect this post to blow up!

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answ...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

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I told a prostitute to give me the full EA package

And then she started sucking.

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

A man’s wife is missing…

Man: Officer, my wife is missing. She went out yesterday and she hasn’t come home.

Officer: Okay, what’s her height?

Man: Not sure…. Maybe around 5’6?

Officer: Okay, weight?

Man: I dunno… not slim not big.

Officer: Okay… colour of her eyes?

Man: Sort of blue...

Jokes are like packages.

While the content is important you mustn't forget about the delivery.

Did you know ISIS has really good retirement package?

I've heard it's the bomb.

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

You've exceeded your original content quota. Please upgrade your internet package.

As a service to our valued customers, this subreddit will be filled with reposts.

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People are praising the Germans right now for having an aid package for artists during quarantine..

But they’re definitely doing it because the last pissed off artist started World War 2.

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

I think a lot of linux package handling systems are not good enough for the task.

But the one with Ubuntu is apt.

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

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A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back...

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year?

It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas.

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What do a joke and Amazon package have in common.

No matter how good the thing is, a bad package can mess it up.

I mean a bad delivery can mess up a good delivery.

Crap! A bad delivery can mess up a good joke.

Whatever, I give up.

What do you call it when you get your package after 2 business days instead of the promised 3-5?

mail privilege

Great things come in small packages

Is what i say everytime before i whip it out.

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

Why can't the pregnant women in Alabama ask for a refund on their package?

Because there will always be a delivery.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

I had a dream that I ordered a package and it never came...

...It was a logistical nightmare.

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad..

Says the agent: "Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."

The lady: "Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"

The agent: "Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Aus...

How did the mailman know the package was meant for the gelatin enthusiast?

The package was signed, congealed and delivered.

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

Pepsi had a new idea about how to package their cola

But then they canned it.

Why should you keep the package that M&M's are put in when you buy them?

Because M&M is the best wrapper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-Care.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves and while the Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain that everyone w...

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

How do you package a 21st century classical jazz singer?

Buble wrap

Sorry 😜

I just got a notification from Amazon about the package of spices that I ordered

The thyme has come.

Ordered some spices online a while back to enhance my roast chicken recipe, unfortunately due to the pandemic I was told the package would be delayed.

But today is the day, the thyme has finally come.

A rich businessman is dying and his friend comes for a last visit.

"Fred...", whispers the businessman, "I have to tell you something..."

"What is it, John? You can tell me everything.", says Fred.

"You know, that trade we were making with the Italians, the package we were delivering; Fred, I didn't deliver it, I kept it for myself... I kept 500 dolla...

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”

Why do blonde change her baby's diapers once in a week?

Because the package says "up to 10 kilos".

Why are mailmen better in bed?

Because they know how to deliver the package.

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

The beverage factory

Steve just got a job at the beverage factory and is getting a tour from the manager on his first day. The manager spends this time explaining the different assembly lines.

"Over here," the manager says, "is the lemonade assembly line. we take the product, package it up and prepare it to ship....

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