My ex is going thru a hard time so I decided to send her a food package care package...

Fed Ex.

A postman is delivering a package as a 8 year old opens the door with a glass of whiskey in his hand and a big cigar in his mouth.

The postman is shocked : "Aren't your parents at home?"

The 8 year old : "Does it look so?"

How does a deaf person accept a package?

They sign for it

What do you call it when you get your package after 2 business days instead of the promised 3-5?

mail privilege

Hus: I got a package with bullets and arabic note today

Wife: Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from doctor.

Why did the UPS driver give the package to the deaf person?

Because they signed for it

There are so many Amazon packages in the air during any given time that...

...airspace is Prime real estate.

I think a lot of linux package handling systems are not good enough for the task.

But the one with Ubuntu is apt.

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband

A woman was taking an afternoon nap. When she woke up, she told her husband, "I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," he said. That evening, the man came home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it to find ...

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

Single, huh?

A woman went to a grocery store and did some shopping. She gave her basket to the check-out clerk, who scanned the following:

1 toothbrush
2 small packages of noodles
1 banana
1 small turkey
1/2 gallon of milk

The clerk looked at the woman and said "single, huh?'
...

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

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My First Condom

I was 14 the first time I went to the neighborhood drugstore to buy a pack of condoms. In those days it took a lot of guts to walk into the drug store and ask for condoms because everyone knew everyone else.

Mary, the girl behind the counter, was almost 20 and knew what they were for. She...

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A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almo...

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Dear Tech Support...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance - particularly in the flower and jewelry applications,which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. In addition, Husband 1.0 then uninstalled many other val...

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

Why can't the pregnant women in Alabama ask for a refund on their package?

Because there will always be a delivery.

Miss Beatrice, the church organist,

was in her eighties and had never been
married. She was admired for sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her
quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared
tea.
As he sat facing her ...

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Anniversary gift

A man comes home from work to find his wife pissed off at him for forgetting it was their anniversary.

Wife: Tomorrow morning, I expect to see something in the driveway that can go from 0 to 300 in 2 seconds when I use it

The next morning the wife woke up and her husband had already le...

How do i give my cat a pill?

Grab your cat and place it around your arm as if you were holding a baby. Place your right index finger and thumb on both sides of the cat's mouth and gently apply some pressure while holding the pill in the other hand. As soon as your cat opens the mouth, throw the pill in and give the cat the oppo...

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A man get caught by the police speeding.

The officer asked the man if he knows why he got pulled over. The man replys that he was speeding because the cars stolen and he has a big package of drugs in th boot. The officer feeling scared called for backup.

Backup arive and search the car to find nothing illegal. Then check the cars in...

At the end of a job interview, the interviewer asks a young engineer from MIT, "And what starting salary are you looking for?"

Engineer: Around $150,000 a year, depending on the benefits package

Interviewer: Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years, say, a red Cor...

Came home from work to find the cake in my fridge missing. There was a note sitting where the cake was that said...

“I broke into your house and saw the cake in your fridge, I didn’t steal anything else, only the cake in your fridge.” I was infuriated, that kind of a burglar steals cake?!?!? I’ve had thieves take my bike, I’ve had thieves take my packages, but not like this, this one takes the cake.

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He just stares

A young, fit looking Woman, is walking past a Pet Shop where she notices a Sign in the window :-

"Good home needed for Clitoris-Licking Frog."

The woman goes inside and says to the Shopkeeper,

"I noticed you have a Clitoris-Licking Frog? I'll take one."

He packages up a F...

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

Did you hear the joke about my FedEx package?

I didn't get it.

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Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"

An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.

"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.

"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I aske...

I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...

Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.

I competed in a contest to see who could throw a package the farthest.

I won and got the job as an UPS driver!

What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

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A Mailman is about to retire

He is doing his last route before he is done with this. Many people have given him gifts and things as thanks, but one house had a package that needed signed for. So he went to the door, and the hottest woman he had ever seen greeted him and dragged him inside. She took him up to her room and banged...

Why should you keep the package that M&M's are put in when you buy them?

Because M&M is the best wrapper

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer?

A wreath of franklins

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

why did the mailman get abused for delivering the package twice?

because it was a repost

Courage, Discipline, Faith. We are the total package.

Join the United States Postal Service.

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While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

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I told a prostitute to give me the full EA package

And then she started sucking.

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

The UPS guys are way better than the FedEx guys

The UPS guy takes the package all the way into our bedroom when I'm out.

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Nuns are renovating their monastery.

Sister Anne and Sister Margateth were assigned to paint the inner halls of the chapel.

Sister Anne: "Dear sister, shouldn't we take off our clothes so they won't catch any paint?"

Sister Margareth: "This is a good idea. Since we are sisters, the Lord shouldn't mind us seeing each other...

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

Why were the Adjacent and Hypotenuse unable to accept a package without each other?

Because they could only.... cosine

How do they package bread at the bakery?

They baguette.

The hardest part of measuring Trump's package..

Is sneaking a ruler into Chris Christie's mouth

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady Two asked, "What's that?"

Lady One replied, "A condom."

Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?"

Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."

The n...

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

I just got a notification from Amazon about the package of spices that I ordered

The thyme has come.

A man was shopping and noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms"

He purchased them and later that night he decides to tells his wife about them.

Wife: "Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

Husband: "They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife:"And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, obviously!"<...

I had a dream that I ordered a package and it never came...

...It was a logistical nightmare.

You've exceeded your original content quota. Please upgrade your internet package.

As a service to our valued customers, this subreddit will be filled with reposts.

I bought a package with pre-measured ingredients to make Vietnamese soup, but the instructions were so hard to follow I gave up.

No surprise, I guess--it was called PhoKit.

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A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.

Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.

The orgasm he...

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-Care.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves and while the Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain that everyone w...

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

I was working in poultry and a women held up a package and asked me, "When does the chicken expire?"

"At the factory, when they cut its head off."

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What do a joke and Amazon package have in common.

No matter how good the thing is, a bad package can mess it up.

I mean a bad delivery can mess up a good delivery.

Crap! A bad delivery can mess up a good joke.

Whatever, I give up.

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away

He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later t...

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

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A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back...

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"Thank you for contacting Xfinity Internet, my name is Janice, with whom do I have the pleasure of speaking with today?"

*"Hello Janice my name is Daniel."*

Janice: *"Pleased to meet you Daniel, how can I help you"*

Daniel: *"Well, I'd like to increase my Internet access speed to something more suitable."*

Janice: *"Great! That should not be a problem. So what is your current plan?"*

Dani...

A sailor is stationed on an exotic island for months...

He writes to his wife and tells her "I miss you so much, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous island woman every day. I need something to keep my mind off of them so I don't cheat."

The wife responds with a package and a letter that says "I miss you, too, and I have a solution to your predicament. ...

A husband calls the Sheriff's office to report his wife missing.

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home!

Sheriff: Height?

Husband: I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sheriff: Weight?

Husband: Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sheriff: Color of eyes?

Husband: Sort ...

Three men walk into a bar...

Three men walk into a bar and order three beers. The first man has an iguana on his shoulder. The second man is holding a cat, but not wearing any pants. The third man is covered head-to-toe in bees.

The bartender sets a beer in front of the first man and asks, "What's the deal with the iguan...

Jokes are like packages.

While the content is important you mustn't forget about the delivery.

Pepsi had a new idea about how to package their cola

But then they canned it.

They say the feds track all internet activity and look out for keywords that indicate terrorism or otherwise

I wanted to test this out and Googled "how to kill President"

Few days later I received a care package containing ammo

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My Job Application for McDonalds

NAME: Kicky Pie   

SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a yea...

What did the redditor say when he opened his package from the UniBomber?

Wow, I did not expect this post to blow up

What did the people of the Lorax use for packaged air when bottled air ran out?

A bag of chips.

Child

As a child:
'You are grounded. '

As an adult:
'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm. '

A lady is bargaining for a honeymoon package abroad..

Says the agent: "Check it out maam. 3 nights and 4 days in a cruise to Bahamas, all night party and casino environment with free booze. Just $2000 per couple. Hell of a deal."

The lady: "Umm. Nice one. But do you have anything cheaper?"

The agent: "Sure maam. 4 nights and 5 days in Aus...

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NSFW - The Queen is touring a prestigious hospital...

They come to the special care wing and she is utterly disgusted when she sees a nurse giving a male patient a hand job.

"What is the meaning of this?!" she screams.

"Don't fret, your Majesty. This man has a rare condition that requires him to ejaculate once every hour or he will go int...

What’s the difference between fedex, and a woman from Pennsylvania?

One costs $14.95 and delivers overnight, and the other delivers packages.

No place like home...

Tom had lived in New York City for 30 years now. As he looked out the window of his office suite, he realized it was Christmas Eve.

He had been so absorbed with the company business and without a family of his own, had really not been paying attention to the holidays. As he stared at t...

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A mortician and a plumber

A mortician goes to work and his assistant lets him know that a body came in during the night. He and the assistant walk into the back and the assistant pulls back the sheet.

To his shock, the deceased is Steve the plumber - a popular, well-liked guy who couldn't have been older than 35.
<...

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I hate guys who don't respect women

They're more than just a vagina, they're all of your household appliances in one handy package as well

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O Dick NSFW, Long

A recently married soldier was coming up on the end of his leave. Although things between him and his new wife were wonderful, he worried about her loyalty while he was gone. Resolved to find her something that would occupy her time and satisfy her until he could return home, the man went into a nea...

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