If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

It looks like the boa cons tricked her!

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A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas

A mailman was delivering a package around Christmas, when the woman who owns the home invited him in. She starts to unbutton his shirt and unbuckle his belt. Things start to get heavy and she takes him to the bedroom. They have sex. After the mailman gets dressed to leave, the woman says, “oh I almo...

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

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A guy walks into a bar with an alligator. It's about 10 feet long.

The bartender flips out and says, "Hey buddy, you gotta get that son of a bitch outta here. It's going to bite one of my customers and I'm going to get sued."
The guy says, "No no no, it's a tame alligator. I'll prove it to you."
He picks up the alligator and puts it on the bar. Then he un...

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?

Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.

I punched the Mailman the other day

He had the audacity to tell me I had a small package

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A woman walks into a hotel bar.

She sits down at the bar and see's a man eyeing her from a few chairs down. Within a few minutes, the bartender places a drink in front of her and says "courtesy of the man at the end of the bar."

Impressed with his generosity she grabs the drink and heads down to sit next to him.

"Ma'...

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

Why can't the pregnant women in Alabama ask for a refund on their package?

Because there will always be a delivery.

I competed in a contest to see who could throw a package the farthest.

I won and got the job as an UPS driver!

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While making a delivery to the proctologist’s office....

I was waiting for the doctor to sign for his package. When he finally came out of the back, he reached for his coat pocket for a pen, but instead pulled out a rectal thermometer. He just stared at it for a moment with a puzzled look on his face and said:

“Well....I guess some asshole has my ...

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I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16. I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the counter, and she could see that I was new at it. She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered, "No, this ...

Did you hear the joke about my FedEx package?

I didn't get it.

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Christmas time. A mailman knocks at the door to deliver a package.

A voluptuous blonde answers it: "Hey honey, I'll give you your gift upstairs!"

An up they go, where she proceeds to fuck him senseless. After the deed is done, she brings him coffee and 5 bucks.

"What are the 5 bucks for?" asks the mailman.

"Oh, that was my husbands idea. I aske...

If shoe size really is directly related to the size of a man's package...

Then clowns are way scarier than we all thought.

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

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Nuns are renovating their monastery.

Sister Anne and Sister Margateth were assigned to paint the inner halls of the chapel.

Sister Anne: "Dear sister, shouldn't we take off our clothes so they won't catch any paint?"

Sister Margareth: "This is a good idea. Since we are sisters, the Lord shouldn't mind us seeing each other...

Why should you keep the package that M&M's are put in when you buy them?

Because M&M is the best wrapper

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke when it started to rain.

One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady Two asked, "What's that?"

Lady One replied, "A condom."

Lady Two asked, "Where'd you get it?"

Lady One replied, "You can get them at any drugstore."

The n...

A bald man with a wooden leg gets invited to a Halloween party.

He doesn't know what costume to wear in order to not draw attention to his head or his leg, and he has a month to prepare so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a package with the following letter:

"Dear Sir:

Please find enclosed a compli...

UPS delivery girl

About 15 minutes ago, a UPS delivery girl came up to the door, saying that my dad has a huge package.

I told my mom, and she's upset.

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

Frank went to the gym

As he wants to loose weight to get a girlfriend.

The receptionist gave him some promotion pack options of “lose 1kg guaranteed”, “lose 3 kg guaranteed”, “lose 5kg guaranteed” and “lose 10kg guaranteed”. However you must do 1 then 3 then 5 then 10.

He accepted the offer and the receptio...

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A farmer is tired of milking his cows,

So one day, when he sees an advertisement for an automatic cow milker, he immediately orders it.

Two weeks later, when his wife is out buying groceries, the package arrives. The farmer, feeling very horny, opens it up, immediately sticks his dick into it, and turns it on.

The orgasm he...

A Local delicacy

Two Italian nuns were visiting New York for a conference. They were walking down the street when they saw a vendor with a big sign that said 'The best hot dogs of New York'.

-Sister, look what that man is selling.

-Ah yes, I have heard about those. Very popular here.

-Is it real...

why did the mailman get abused for delivering the package twice?

because it was a repost

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I told a prostitute to give me the full EA package

And then she started sucking.

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

Why were the Adjacent and Hypotenuse unable to accept a package without each other?

Because they could only.... cosine

A sailor is stationed on an exotic island for months...

He writes to his wife and tells her "I miss you so much, and I'm surrounded by gorgeous island woman every day. I need something to keep my mind off of them so I don't cheat."

The wife responds with a package and a letter that says "I miss you, too, and I have a solution to your predicament. ...

I just got a notification from Amazon about the package of spices that I ordered

The thyme has come.

How do they package bread at the bakery?

They baguette.

What’s the difference between fedex, and a woman from Pennsylvania?

One costs $14.95 and delivers overnight, and the other delivers packages.

Did you know ISIS has really good retirement package?

I've heard it's the bomb.

Satan's Jacket

Belive it or not, back in his day, Satan got around. On one particular crazy night, he woke up next to an angelic chick. Unfortunately, over the course of the night the temperature had dropped drastically, and she hadn't thought to bring a jacket. Now, Satan might be the devil, but he wasn't a douch...

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In 1859, there was this German Chemist living in London, England.

One day he received a new batch of experimental powder from Columbia. Curious to find out what the substance was, he opened the package and it erupted in a puff of powder. After inhaling half the cloud the Chemist felt vibrant, energised and happy.

“I hast not seen ziss beefore”, thought t...

job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her 80s

Though never married, she was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. Miss Beatrice invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young...

On Valentine's Day

On Valentine's Day , a man and his wife got up from bed
The wife told the man that she dreamt of him giving her a diamond ring on Valentine's Day. She asked him what it meant. He said, " You'll see tonight."
That night he came home with a small package.
Excited, his wife opened the pack...

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Presents are like penises

The size of the package matters less than the size of the smile on the recipient’s face.

Can't catch a break

As a child: 'You are grounded.'

As an adult: 'Your package will be delivered between 8 am and 6 pm.'

I would say that the Canadian immigration website will crash again...

But it’s blocked, unless you upgrade to the Tourism Package™ for just $4.99 a month!

The verdict on Net Neutrality

[Please pay $49.98 for the ‘News’ Package Bundle to see the verdict]

Failure is not an option

It comes bundled with your Microsoft package

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