UPJOKE
packetbundleparcelboxprogramencasepackcaseupgradecratebudgetplanbailoutofferproposal

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*The Viagra package*

The man was just prescribed Viagra to help his love life.


Eager to try it out, he takes one as soon as he gets home, and waits for his wife to come home from work, but in his excitement he forgets and leaves the package open on the table and his cockatiel eats all of them.

...

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A blonde woman strode angrily into the large store, slapped a package on the counter, and loudly expressed her dissatisfaction. The clerk asked, "What's the problem? Wouldn't your cat eat them?"

The woman's eyes got very large, and she whispered, "Do you mean to tell me that 'Pussy Treats' are for cats?"

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I found out a package thief is in my apartment complex so I ordered a butt-plug off Amazon

That way if it gets stolen, then the thief can go fuck themself

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Tickle Me Elmo

There is a factory in Northern Minnesota which makes the Tickle Me Elmo toys. The toy laughs when you tickle it under the arms. Well, Lena is hired at The Tickle Me Elmo factory and she reports for her first day promptly at 8:00 am.
The next day at 8:45 am there is a knock at the Personnel Manage...

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So Land O’Lakes got rid of the Native American on their package...

...But kept the land. Sounds oddly familiar.

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The...

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A blonde sees a guy walking down the street with a package labeled "The Dildo Store"

"What's in the bag?" asks the blonde.

"Dildos"

"I'm horny. If I can guess how many are in the bag, may I have one right now?

"If you guess correctly, you can have both of them."

The blonde smiles and says, "Five?"

Nursing home

Two old ladies were sitting on the porch of their nursing home rocking in their rocking chairs smoking cigarettes. As it starts to rain old lady 1 reaches in her purse and gets a condom package out, she slides it Over her cigarette to keep it dry so she can smoke it later. Amazed and curious, old l...

Why do blonde change her baby's diapers once in a week?

Because the package says "up to 10 kilos".

A job interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Officer asks a young engineer fresh out of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, "And what starting salary are you looking for?" The engineer replies, "In the region of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer ...

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Bad doctor

This doctor was horrible.

Sense of hygiene was DISGUSTING.

He would keep all the thermometers and pens in his same from pocket.

A package arrived for him to sign for reached up for a pen to use and has only thermometers in his pocket.

Doctor say "damn that bum took my p...

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Daniel Running Deer walked up to the customer service counter at the supermarket

He told the agent that he wanted to return a package of John Wayne brand toilet paper. She asked him what was wrong with it and Daniel said “Well it’s rough, and it’s tough, and it doesn’t take any shit off of Indians.”

Ricardo was a young Italian man.

He lived in Milan. On his 16th birthday his father Antonio, in a rite of passage, gave him a hunting rifle that was a family heirloom. The rifle had been handmade by Antonio’s father who founded the Rolle Carabiner Company after World War II.

Ricardo cherished the rifle and he practiced with...

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Are you a package?

Cause I’d like to fedex your box to bangcock.

Covid prevention

Mrs Smith was in her eighties and very much admired for her sweet disposition and kindly ways to all. The carpet cleaner came by to perform the annual spring cleaning one afternoon and she welcomed him in for tea and cookies. After she excused herself to make preparations, the young carpet cleaner c...

A spiritualist who’d recently been widowed met a colleague and reported excitedly…..

she'd just received a message from her dead husband - asking her to send him a pack of cigarettes.
"The only thing is," she mused, "that I don't know where to send them."
"Why not?" asked her friend.
"Well, he didn't actually say that he was in Heaven - but I can't imagine he'd be in Hell."...

According to the instructions, you should always play “The Golden Eye” when you are about to make a microwave dinner.

The package says , “Pierce film before cooking.”

Always read the package insert

"Doc, the suppository you prescribed... they really stuck to my gum and teeth".

"What? You didn't swallow them, did you?"

"Of course I did, what else was I supposed to do with them, shove 'em up my ass?"

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected: a half-gallon of 2% milk a carton of eggs a quart of orange juice a head of romaine lettuce a 2 lb. can of coffee a 1 lb. package of bacon

As she was unloading her items onto the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her was watching.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict'...

Bea was in her eighties, and much admired for her sweetness and kindness to all...

Well, her pastor came to call on her one afternoon early in the spring, and she welcomed him into her Victorian parlour.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared a little tea.

As he sat facing her old pump organ, the young minister noticed a cut crystal bowl sitting on top of ...

Whats the same about a package of gum and a gun?

If you take it out in class, everyone will want to be your friend

Three nuns.

Three nuns are at the grocery store shopping. The eggplant they wanted to buy was only available in packs of four. Distressed, the first nun says , “ what do we do sister? There are three of us, but the package is for four!” “Don’t you worry about that,” says the second nun. “We’ll just cook the...

Andre 3000 went camping...

...as he finishes setting up his tent, a park ranger rolls up to warn him about bear activity nearby. Specifically, an unusually intelligent and persistent bear that has a taste for 90's musicians. Andre thanks the ranger for his concern, and assures him that he'll take all the necessary precautions...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

What did the Senate have to say about the new stimulus package?

Let them eat cake!

Teacher Gifts

It was the end of the school year, and a kindergarten teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils. The florist's son handed her a gift. She shook it, held it overhead, and said, "I bet I know what it is. Some flowers." "That's right" the boy said, "but how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess," she...

What do you call a package of documents sent via boat?

Pier to pier file transfer!

Cigarette warnings should also include how dangerous it is just going to purchase a package...

My dad left 19 years ago to buy some and he still hasn't made it back.

Making Babies

A couple went to the hospital for their baby delivery. The wife was very sickly and fragile. The deliver had to be a Caesarean section. The husband was pacing the hallways while the wife was in surgery. The nurse finally came out of the delivery room with a little package wrapped in a blue blank...

Oh No! Snape has been fired from Hogwarts!

They didn't even give him a Severus package.

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An old grandma is taking care of her grandson for the summer before he leaves for college...

One day, the boy brings a male friend home, seeming to be very secretive about their activities, but the grandmother doesn't think much of it.

She understands why they are secretive; her son and daughter-in-law are peculiarly homophobic. She doesn't agree with that and wishes to tell her gran...

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

The postman said he'd hold my package till I got home...

it was an uncomfortable walk.

Anyone else tired of how long it takes the USPS to mail a package or letter this time of year?

It’s part of DeJoy of Christmas.

A delivery man who couldn't get his wife pregnant said his package came in the mail

His package should have came in the female.

my boss thinks I'm an idiot

But he's the idiot. just the other day he told me to go into the front office and to bring him the tube oxes that had just arrived. I wasn't sure what a tube ox was, but I informed him that the plural would be "tube oxen." Worse, all I found was a couple of FedEx packages..

I had to report my stolen amazon package

The police are still looking for a prime suspect

Did you hear the joke about the FedEx package?

I didn't get it.

The UPS guy accidentally dropped my package

Ups

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Fancy Toilet paper names

A big chief of a native american tribe had heard of a new invention of the white man called toilet paper, and he wanted to try it out so he sends a runner to a general store in town to buy some. The runner gets to the store and says "Need toilet paper for big chief.", to which the clerk replied, "Wh...

Why is the stimulus package not helping stop covid-19?

Because it's still up in the air.

UPS- Your package has been delivered

Me- Ok, thanks, but why was it livered in the first place?

I recently ordered a Grandfather clock online. I was surprised how small the package was when it arrived.

I really need to learn to check my spelling.

A hooker starts a job at an Amazon warehouse, and her bosses give her bonus starting pay.

She had previous package handling experience.

How does a deaf person accept a package?

They sign for it

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The Brilliant Solution

A soap factory had a problem. They sometimes shipped empty boxes without the bar inside. This challenged their perceived quality with the buyers and distributors. Understanding how important these relationships were, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. Six months and $8 million later, t...

Johnny became a mailman after hearing how they always slept with women as part of the punchline of jokes. He figured he’d tell the jokes to mothers as he dropped of the mail and then sleep with them. He dropped off package after package and told joke after joke, but no mothers ever slept with him.

One day he asked a mother if he’s been mislead by the jokes. Maybe mother’s really never slept with the mailmen and the jokes were misleading.

The mother said, “oh honey, it’s not the jokes, it your delivery.”

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A man on the verge of pooping into his pants rushes into a busy mini beach market

The only cashier in the small canopy-style store joyfully asks him:

\- Good afternoon sir, how can I help you?

\- I need some toilet paper please.

\- Ah, no worries, we have all kinds of toilet paper. Would you like 1-ply or 2-ply?

\- Uh... 2-ply.

\- Okay! Would yo...

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The other day a mysterious package appeared on my doorstep.

Upon further inspection, I realized it was a large bowl-shaped object with two knobs that controlled the outflow of a liquid. I stood on the doorstep and yelled to my wife to come and look. She told me she had ordered it for the bathroom.

Let that sink in.

Gilligan eats the last package of cookies on the island.

Ginger snaps.

What do you call it when you get your package after 2 business days instead of the promised 3-5?

mail privilege

I heard they found Harry Potter licking packages in the mailroom again...

Parceltongue

I just traded four rolls of toilet paper and a package of baby wipes for a 2017 Maserati.

I am going to miss that car.

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A man was driving home from work when he remembered it was the 20th anniversary of his marriage

He still needed to get a gift for his wife, so he stopped at the department store on his way home. He quickly went to the lingerie department to pick up a gift and a sales associate was very happy to help. The sales associate asked what his budget was, to which he responded about $50. She showed him...

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance -- particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs...

My ex is going thru a hard time so I decided to send her a food package care package...

Fed Ex.

If what they say about the size of a man’s package being related to his shoe size is true...

No wonder everybody’s looking for Bigfoot.

A postman is delivering a package as a 8 year old opens the door with a glass of whiskey in his hand and a big cigar in his mouth.

The postman is shocked : "Aren't your parents at home?"

The 8 year old : "Does it look so?"

The political parties can't agree on what a second economic stimulus package should look like. Democrats want every American to receive a $1,200.00 check, while Republicans favor giving everybody 10 pounds of Parmesean cheese.

The GOP wants to "Make America Grate Again".

A mail man is delivering a package when he realises that the send to address is the same as the send back to address

This package keeps getting sent around in a circle for weeks before he finally sees a man come and get it.

“I’m sorry for snooping , but I have to ask, why do you keep sending this one package to yourself everyday. It’s just weird,”

The odd old man replies” well my fellow man, reposts ...

I bought a package of camouflage condoms last night

She never saw me coming

What did the Redditor say when he received a package from the Unabomber?

Wow! I didn’t expect this post to blow up!

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Severance Packages

The department of defense, in an effort to cut some costs decides to offer severance packages to some superfluous higher ranking officers. The offer is an honorable discharge and $1,000 for every inch between two points of their body of their choosing.

A Navy admiral takes this opportunity an...

My wife tried to order an exotic snake online, but was surprised to find that when the package arrived, it contained only feathered scarves...

Looks like the boa cons tricked her...

I got an empty package from Acuvue.

It was a contactless delivery.

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People are praising the Germans right now for having an aid package for artists during quarantine..

But they’re definitely doing it because the last pissed off artist started World War 2.

Hus: I got a package with bullets and arabic note today

Wife: Idiot! These are suppositories and the note from doctor.

Why did the UPS driver give the package to the deaf person?

Because they signed for it

It always irked my single mother that her grocery store didn’t carry eggs in packages of six—just by the dozen.

Then one day, her wish came true. She walked into the grocery and found fresh eggs in cartons of six. “I was so excited,” she told us later, “that I bought two!”

It was a few days before Valentine’s Day and a young woman was taking an afternoon nap.

After she woke up, she told her husband, “I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine’s day! What do you think it means?”
Her husband smiled. “Oh, I have a feeling you’ll know later tonight.” he said with a wink.
His wife squealed with joy. That evening, the man came home w...

I think the Stimulus Package is a sick April Fools joke.

It’s a Stimu-LIE!!!

Europeans announced they were going to increase penalties for driving with excessive speed and being late for work.

Its part of their sanctions package to target people who are Russian.

A man hands his girlfriend a small package on Christmas morning, the size of a jewelry box.

The woman gets incredibly excited and rips the package open to find a deck of playing cards.

“What the heck is this?” she yells and throws the deck of cards into the man’s lap. “What?” the man responds. “You said all you wanted for Christmas was something with diamonds in it!”

I think a lot of linux package handling systems are not good enough for the task.

But the one with Ubuntu is apt.

A mailman was trying to tell a joke while transporting a package

But he messed up the delivery

The hardest part of measuring Trump's package..

Is sneaking a ruler into Chris Christie's mouth

What do packages taste like?

Parsley.

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A congressman was seated in first class next to a little girl on an airplane.

He turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger." The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the congressma...

How do they package bread at the bakery?

They baguette.

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

A man was shopping and noticed a package that said "Olympic Condoms"

He purchased them and later that night he decides to tells his wife about them.

Wife: "Olympic Condoms? What's so special about them?"

Husband: "They have 3 colors: Gold, Silver and Bronze."

Wife:"And what color are you going to wear tonight?"

Husband: "Gold, obviously!"<...

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"12 Days Of Christmas - Bayou Style"

Day 1 Dear Boudreaux, Thanks for de bird in de Pear tree. I fix it
las' night with dirty rice. I doan tink de pear tree will grow
in the swamp, so I swap it for a Satsuma.


Day 2 Dear Boudreaux, You letter say you sent two turtle doves, but
all I got was two scrawny pigeon...

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"I can't feel my legs!" (Christmas Edition)

Pt. 1

A guy wakes up in a hospital and starts screaming, "I can't feel my legs! I can't feel my legs! " A nurse rushes to his bed and says, "Of course not, you silly thing, they amputated your arms!"

Pt. 2

Do you know what the poor guy got for Christmas? No? Well, neither does...

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I told a prostitute to give me the full EA package

And then she started sucking.

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A mailman knocks on the door to deliver a package on christmas eve

and a beautiful woman opens the door wearing lingere.

The woman pulls the mailman inside and begins kissing him and removing his clothes.

Confused but enjoying the situation the mailman lets the woman continue and have sex with him.

Afterwards the mailman puts his clothes back...

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An 18-year old boy and his girlfriend are going camping for the weekend and plan to lose their virginity to each other

Bursting with excitement, the boy walks into a drug store to buy some condoms. He notices they come in packs of 3, 6, and 12.

He's a bit confused, so he calls the clerk over, and asks “Excuse me sir, but why are the condoms packaged this way?”

The kindly old clerk replies, with a sly g...

I had a dream that I ordered a package and it never came...

...It was a logistical nightmare.

What’s the difference between North Korea and the North Pole?

One of them is forever ruled by a jolly fat man who directs an entire race of short people to produce packages he can drop from the sky all over the world, and the other is the North Pole.

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So a guy and his gf are making out

and the girl tells the guy she really wants to do 69. The guy agrees but remembers his girl is on her period so he declines. The Gf begs and he finally agrees, thinking a little bit of blood can’t be too bad.

After they get going and are having a good time, the doorbell rings.

“Oh sh...

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Joe received a package in the mail with a few stamps on the front. Always the notorious scrooge, Joe peeled off the already used stamps, and then proceeded to stick them onto his own letter.

Upon being handed the mail, the mailman knew exactly what Joe had done, and proceeded to punch him in the face until Joe was rendered unconscious. He was rushed to the ER and pronounced dead the next morning.

At his funeral, many tears were shed and eulogies given. As the ceremony was comi...

I mailed myself a package the other day. I can’t remember what I put in it, though.

Oh well, it’ll come to me.

Why can't the pregnant women in Alabama ask for a refund on their package?

Because there will always be a delivery.

What kind of condolence package do you send to the family of a deceased soul singer?

A wreath of franklins

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The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump's proposed health care package to replace Obama-Care.

The Allergists were in favor of scratching it but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves and while the Gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, the Neurologists thought the Administration had a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, Obstetricians felt certain that everyone w...

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As a service to our valued customers, this subreddit will be filled with reposts.

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O'Malley was really smashed this time.

I'm talking traffic cone huggin, pavement lickin kershnickered.

He was really doing good stumblin home, though. He made it all the way up the walk and almost to the top of the stairs before he fell back on the the pavement and heard the breaking of glass.

The pint of Paddy's he had ...

I was joking with my mailman, and said I had a package to ship to Spain.... to Parcelona...

He didn't laugh though. The key to a joke like that is the delivery.

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The Mint Contest

John runs a candy shop, selling mints of all kinds. Business was good, until Covid hit.

John realized he’ll have to shut down the store and risk losing his business, unless he could figure out a way to advertise and sell his confections on the Internet. His nephew suggested running a contest ...

What did the package say to the scary 18 wheeler?

I'm not a freight.

A man asks his doctor

"Doctor, Doctor! I ate one of those 'Do not eat' packages! Am I going to die now???"

The doctor, a bit confused, responds: "...well, everyone is going to die eventually."

Man: "EVERYONE? Oh my god, what have I done..."

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What do a joke and Amazon package have in common.

No matter how good the thing is, a bad package can mess it up.

I mean a bad delivery can mess up a good delivery.

Crap! A bad delivery can mess up a good joke.

Whatever, I give up.

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me..

We all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.
Dr. Phil proclaimed the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started. So, I looked around my house to see things I started, and hadn't f...

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

Kept having my Amazon packages stolen off my porch ordered a security cam to deter/catch the culprit.

That package was stolen too.

I just got a notification from Amazon about the package of spices that I ordered

The thyme has come.

What system does Satan use to weigh packages?

Penta-grams

Did you know ISIS has really good retirement package?

I've heard it's the bomb.

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