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Article Jokes

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer will shock you...
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I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night
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I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.
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A journalist is writing an article about the trend for Scottish men to wear tights under their kilts

She walks up to an old man on the streets of Glasgow and asks 'excuse me, do you ever wear a kilt?'

'Aye, about once a week or so you'll catch me in a kilt.'

'Well when you wear a kilt, do you wear tights underneath?'

'Aye, every time I've worn a kilt for the past three years I ...
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I once read an article...

I once read an article that said that regular masturbation helped reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

But I have a friend who told me that drinking alcohol can *increase* the risk of prostate cancer.

That's why now every time I drink a beer, I rub one off.

I just wish the barten...

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.
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I read an article that says "Smoking causes memory loss"

That's like saying smoking causes memory loss.
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I just saw a news article about an unidentified person found beaten, robbed, and naked in the park...

The unknown victim was described as being out-of-shape, small penis, and slight neck beard.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, worried about you guys. Let me know you're okay.

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

I tried to write an article about a recent bedding scandal.

But all the other news agencies had it covered.
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Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all.

And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on
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I saw an article that said annoying people have a great sense of humor.

I found that really funny because- oh.
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I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation.

It might come in handy.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!
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My mom sent me an article about procrastination.

I think I'll read it later...
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What is a fart fetishist's favorite article of clothing?





Windbreaker
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I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.
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What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.
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A recent article in the Times reported that a woman, Anita Patel, has sued a reputed Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in her.

A hospital spokesman replied in court: Mr. Patel was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was corrected his eyesight.
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I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.
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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Why are Wikipedia articles so tasty?

Because of all the sources
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I read an article on internet....

and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are-


diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.
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I just read an article titled, "100 Things To Do Before You Die"

I was quite surprised that, "Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.
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What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed
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I just read an article on a woman with 12 breasts

Seems fake, dozen tit?

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...
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I've just read a science article that claims semen can actually reduce wrinkles, but I'm calling bullshit on that one.

If it was true, my bed would probably make itself.

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I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...
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Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.
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I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.
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I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.
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I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.
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I just read an article on the bikini...

it's two parts and pretty revealing.
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My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...
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I was just reading an article of ten facts about diarrhoea.

Number 2 will really surprise you!
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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"
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Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree.

That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.
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Just saw a news article

about someone impersonating a mime. The mime community is quite upset about this but something tells me they aren't going to speak out about it.
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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.
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I read in an article that women should kiss and nibble on a man's earlobe in bed to turn him on.

Personally, I think it's nuts.
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just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif
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New article about an asteroid colliding with Earth

I couldn't read it... Hits too close to home.
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Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.
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You know why the Russian language doesn't have any articles?

They killed all the journalists.
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A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

CNN Made a Joke Article for April Fools

Just another day in the office.
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My dad just read an article entitled "Mars is humming. Scientists aren't sure why."

His response? "Maybe it doesn't know the words."
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I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.
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A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.
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A guy got very upset with me because I was looking over his shoulder reading the article he was reading on his phone.

I said "Relax... there's plenty of room in this handicapped stall for the both of us."
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I took my daughter out for her first drink...

While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.
Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she did...

I saw a news article about how a dwarf got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?
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I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you
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Clickbait articles are a thing of the past

Except for this one.
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So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.
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I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.
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According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*
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Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.
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A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...
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My friends keep sending me articles that Bill Withers died... I keep telling them

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know



(R.I.P.)
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Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...
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There was an article in the paper today about Apple and Reddit doing a collaboration.

iReddit
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Check out this article:

The
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It's a bit ironic a website filled with people that don't read the articles

is called "Reddit"
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According to an article on r/worldnews, pilgrims to Mecca will need to be COVID-vaccinated before they arrive.

I guess this means... hijab?
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Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or


Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.
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I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them
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I read a news article saying that there's a backlog of bodies piling up at the morgue.

Must be that God damn Coronervirus.
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I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter...

Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.

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What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

I read an article about doctors taking almost a week to remove food lodged in a man’s throat.

“Dad chokes for days”
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Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction
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What article of clothing is round and rubbery?

Attire.
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I just read that article about Robot Sex Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.
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What is a pirates favorite article of clothing?

His sc*aaarrrr*f
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A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took...

Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.
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A journalisy doing an article about life in prison

He asks inmates about their daily routine

Prisoner1: i wake up eat,exercice, do laundry and take a shower

Prisoner2: i wake up read a book eat and after that i do laundry

Prisoner3: i wake up take a shower, eat and take a walk.

The journalist then asks him, dont you do la...
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An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...
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So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”
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What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"
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I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.
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A journalist is writing an article about a mental hospital

He asks the head doctor the following question.

'How do you establish whether a patient can leave the asylum?'

'Well, we have little exercises to establish their mental state. If they complete such exercises correctly, they're judged fit to leave.'

'Could you give me an example?...

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.
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Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted
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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

I want to get better at grammar so I was reading about the indefinite article.

It went on forever.
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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after ...
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I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!
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The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate.

It's non-existent.
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A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”
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Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...
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One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across t...

"Hey, did you see that article about cats invading the internet?"

"Yeah, I reddit."
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I just read an article about the damage cigarettes can do to young children.

The first thought that occurred to me was "What the fuck happened to using ashtrays?!"

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