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Article Jokes

I just finished a long article about the different myths behind Jesus’ death and resurrection.

There was a lot of ….. cross referencing.

It seems like everyday I come across a new article about a cure for Alzheimer's

Turns out it's actually the same article.

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I just saw a news article about an unidentified person found beaten, robbed, and naked in the park...

The unknown victim was described as being out-of-shape, small penis, and slight neck beard.

Anyway, just wanted to check in, worried about you guys. Let me know you're okay.

So I read an article today that blew my mind from a math nerd/science person perspective.

Apparently factories are not making the 12 inch ruler any longer.

I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

I saw an article that said annoying people have a great sense of humor.

I found that really funny because- oh.

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I've just read a science article that claims semen can actually reduce wrinkles, but I'm calling bullshit on that one.

If it was true, my bed would probably make itself.

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer will shock you!

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I Just read an article about the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me

Thats it no more reading

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

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I once read an article...

I once read an article that said that regular masturbation helped reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

But I have a friend who told me that drinking alcohol can *increase* the risk of prostate cancer.

That's why now every time I drink a beer, I rub one off.

I just wish the barten...

I read an article that says "Smoking causes memory loss"

That's like saying smoking causes memory loss.

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.

Due to the cost of living crisis, a paramedic has had to take a second job as a Buzzfeed writer.

Their first article was on the 2 best forms of resuscitation.

Number 1 was CPR,



Number 2... WILL SHOCK YOU

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I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

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I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation.

It might come in handy.

I read in an article that women should kiss and nibble on a man's earlobe in bed to turn him on.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

What is a fart fetishist's favorite article of clothing?





Windbreaker

A husband and wife are sitting together at breakfast...

The husband is reading a paper and says "Look honey, according to this article, it's impossible to be happy and sad about the same thing." She thinks for a second and says "Oh yeah? Between you and all your brothers, you're "the biggest.""

A guy got very upset with me because I was looking over his shoulder reading the article he was reading on his phone.

I said "Relax... there's plenty of room in this handicapped stall for the both of us."

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

I tried to write an article about a recent bedding scandal.

But all the other news agencies had it covered.

My mom sent me an article about procrastination.

I think I'll read it later...

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I just read an article on a woman with 12 breasts

Seems fake, dozen tit?

I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

I read an article which said that I could become an optimist in 7 weeks.

I doubt it.

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all.

And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on

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Life in the countryside.

A tv reporter was tasked to go to the countryside and make an article about how people live in there. once he arrives, he sees an old man sitting by house in the entrance with a bottle of some alcoholic beverage, he introduces himself to the old man and asks him how is life in that place, the old ma...

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

I was just reading an article of ten facts about diarrhoea.

Number 2 will really surprise you!

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

Why are Wikipedia articles so tasty?

Because of all the sources

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree.

That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.

My dad just read an article entitled "Mars is humming. Scientists aren't sure why."

His response? "Maybe it doesn't know the words."

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or


Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

My friends keep sending me articles that Bill Withers died... I keep telling them

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know



(R.I.P.)

I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you

I read an article on internet....

and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are-


diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.

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A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

I read an article about doctors taking almost a week to remove food lodged in a man’s throat.

“Dad chokes for days”

I just read an article titled, "100 Things To Do Before You Die"

I was quite surprised that, "Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

I just read an article on the bikini...

it's two parts and pretty revealing.

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

There was an article in the paper today about Apple and Reddit doing a collaboration.

iReddit

A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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I just read that article about Robot Sex Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

It's a bit ironic a website filled with people that don't read the articles

is called "Reddit"

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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

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A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

You know why the Russian language doesn't have any articles?

They killed all the journalists.

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

What article of clothing helps you when your sick?

Pant-ibodies.

I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

Hitman kills cheating wife

I heard this one a long time ago.

A man tired of his cheating wife and wants to have her killed. He asked some of his friends and his and as soon referred to a local hitman named Artie.

The man meets Artie in a local bar and tells him that his wife is cheating on him and he wants her w...

I saw a news article about how a dwarf got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

I just read an article comparing the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out there’s a lot of cross referencing.

New article about an asteroid colliding with Earth

I couldn't read it... Hits too close to home.

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One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across t...

Clickbait articles are a thing of the past

Except for this one.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

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Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

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A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took...

CNN Made a Joke Article for April Fools

Just another day in the office.

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after ...

Just saw a news article

about someone impersonating a mime. The mime community is quite upset about this but something tells me they aren't going to speak out about it.

Fact: Xi Jinping once slept in a house in Iowa

After many many year later...

The husband was watching the news and saw an article about Xi Jinping.

He was very very shocked and said to his wife: 'Hey, do you remember that Chinese guy who used to be at our house?'

The wife said: 'Of course I remember, why are you asking?'
...

I read a newspaper article about a woman who stole a bunch of toilet paper from wal mart

They said she got away with it scott free

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What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

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A man is sitting with his friend reading the newspaper.

He reads an article that the sex offender living in their city died in his bathtub. He reads this article out loud to his friend. Then he asks "I wonder what his last words were?"

His friend says "Hey, put down that toaster."

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

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So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

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I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

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What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage

I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

Check out this article:

The

I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!

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I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter...

Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

What is a pirates favorite article of clothing?

His sc*aaarrrr*f

Once I was commissioned to write an article about carrying rocks around in wet paper bags

In the end it all fell through

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