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I recently read an article in a scientific journal about a little boy who was born without eyelids so they used his foreskin to make him some.

Now he’s cockeyed.

Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree.

That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.

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A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

I just read an article on the bikini...

it's two parts and pretty revealing.

Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all.

And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on

My friends keep sending me articles that Bill Withers died... I keep telling them

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know



(R.I.P.)

I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

What’s an automobiles favorite article of clothing?

A CARdigan

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I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

My dad just read an article entitled "Mars is humming. Scientists aren't sure why."

His response? "Maybe it doesn't know the words."

So I was reading the Wikipedia article about Occam’s Razor...

...and the entire concept went completely over my head. I read the article over and over trying to get my head around it but I was totally lost. It got to the point that I started thinking that someone had made the article confusing as a joke. Maybe Occam’s Razor isn’t even a real thing? Maybe its j...

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

I read an article today about a raisin cheating on its date

I like to keep up with currant affairs

just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

A journalist is doing an article on the life in a small rural town in the Balkans. NSFW

He arrives in the town and starts interviewing a local:

Journalist: "So can you tell me about the happiest day in your town's history?"

Local: "Well it was about 3 years ago, a goat got lost and all the men were looking for it. We finally found it after 2 days and we were all so happy ...

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's, she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe s...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

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A local journalist goes to a hillbilly to interview him about his day-to-day life

After a long chat, the journalist asks the hillbilly: "You certainly must have experienced a lot of interesting ventures. Tell our readers a good, wholesome story that has happened to you.



"Well" the hillbilly ponders "Two years ago, one of our most beautiful goats got lost in the woo...

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

I just read an article comparing the different versions of the Bible.

Turns out there’s a lot of cross referencing.

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

Saw an article about a zebra breaking into someone’s house today

This black on white crime really needs to be stopped

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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

Everytime you think you've mentioned a book or article that nobody on this website have heard about...

It turns out that they've already Reddit.

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

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Told to me by a miner, so you know it's bad.

A reporter is doing an article about West Virginia, as he is compiling and editing he realizes that he has no human interest story. So he heads out to a local bar and sees an old timer sitting by himself. He explains the situation and asks him what he's like.

The old timer responds, "what do ...

What do you call a Greek philosopher who publishes his findings?

Articles

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

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A horse is sitting at home bored on a Saturday afternoon... (long)

He decides its about time he gets into a new hobby, so he looks up the nearest guitar instructor, and gives him a call.

"Hey, can you teach me how to play guitar?"

The instructor replies, "well of course, its what they pay me for,"

"Well... there's just one problem," says the ...

New article about an asteroid colliding with Earth

I couldn't read it... Hits too close to home.

There’s a recent article with the headline “Why Exercise Won’t Help You Lose Weight”...

...looks like something a fat person would write.

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

I saw a news article about how a dwarf got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer may shock you.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

Just found this very promising article of procrastination

I think I'll read it tomorrow

As a child, I used to have two sets of summer vacation homework.

One that the school gave us, to be finished in the last few days of the vacation, and the other, that my father, ever so graciously, asked me to do every day of the vacation before he left for work. He used to ask me to memorise all the possible uses of articles, hundreds of idioms, similes, commonl...

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

How did the dyslexic logician get invited into the KKK?

In an article about argumentation he wrote that "you're either white or you're wrong."

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.



Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”



“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

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Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

CNN Made a Joke Article for April Fools

Just another day in the office.

Clickbait articles are a thing of the past

Except for this one.

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

Exercise for seniors

Just came across this exercise suggested for seniors, to build muscle strength in the arms and shoulders. It seems so easy, so I thought I'd pass it on to some of my younger friends. The article suggested doing it three days a week.

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have p...

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

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I was reading an article about top porn searches around the world

It’s titled “what has this world come to”

I just read an article titled, "100 Things To Do Before You Die"

I was quite surprised that, "Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

I got caught with a copy of the Constitution

I swear I read it for the articles.

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

If you are old enough to write articles on anti-vaccination

Your parents probably made the right choice, unfortunately it was on you.

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

I'll never forget my grandpa's last words.

Find yourself a woman who holds you as tight as Nancy Pelosi holds her impeachment articles

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

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One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across t...

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I read a news article about a woman with 12 boobs

Seems pretty interesting, dozen tit?

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What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

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I just read that article about Robot Sex Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

I just got fired from newspaper.

I forgot an article.

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

Have you heard of the Dunning-Kruger effect?

I read this online article about it, so I'm basically an expert.

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

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[NSFW] I read an article about a British mam who masturbated until his penis bled...

What a bloody wanker

I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

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A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

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I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

I want to get better at grammar so I was reading about the indefinite article.

It went on forever.

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So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

Husabnd and wife

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”


The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

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A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took...

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What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!

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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

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I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter...

Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after ...

Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. H...

Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage

I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.

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I just read an article about the damage cigarettes can do to young children.

The first thought that occurred to me was "What the fuck happened to using ashtrays?!"

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