What's a biologist's favorite article of clothing?

Jeans!

A journalist is doing an article on the life in a small rural town in the Balkans. NSFW

He arrives in the town and starts interviewing a local:

Journalist: "So can you tell me about the happiest day in your town's history?"

Local: "Well it was about 3 years ago, a goat got lost and all the men were looking for it. We finally found it after 2 days and we were all so happy ...

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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.

I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's, she didn't like that either, so I drank it. Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe s...

Saw an article about a zebra breaking into someone’s house today

This black on white crime really needs to be stopped

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Everytime you think you've mentioned a book or article that nobody on this website have heard about...

It turns out that they've already Reddit.

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

New article about an asteroid colliding with Earth

I couldn't read it... Hits too close to home.

There’s a recent article with the headline “Why Exercise Won’t Help You Lose Weight”...

...looks like something a fat person would write.

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

Just found this very promising article of procrastination

I think I'll read it tomorrow

I saw a news article about how a dwarf got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

I just got fired from newspaper.

I forgot an article.

I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

Just saw a news article

about someone impersonating a mime. The mime community is quite upset about this but something tells me they aren't going to speak out about it.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

My neighbor tricked me into buying his dog by claiming it could sew any article of clothing,

But all it does is pants.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer may shock you.

Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.



Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”



“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

"A" hairy fruit. "AN" especially juicy stone fruit. "THE" fuzzy fruit...

= articles of imPEACHment.

CNN Made a Joke Article for April Fools

Just another day in the office.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

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Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

Clickbait articles are a thing of the past

Except for this one.

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

Husabnd and wife

A man is reading his newspaper and says to his wife: “Michelle, look. Here is an article about how women use about twice as many words per day as men do.”


The wife responds: “That’s because we have to tell you everything twice”

If you are old enough to write articles on anti-vaccination

Your parents probably made the right choice, unfortunately it was on you.

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I was reading an article about top porn searches around the world

It’s titled “what has this world come to”

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

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What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

I just read an article titled, "100 Things To Do Before You Die"

I was quite surprised that, "Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

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One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across t...

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

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I read a news article about a woman with 12 boobs

Seems pretty interesting, dozen tit?

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

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I just read that article about Robot Sex Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

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It's amazing how Seasons work. I'm in Japan, it's mid December and I'm freezing...

But apparently back in England it's the end of May.


(Edit: an article or the two)

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A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital...

...saying that “after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.”

A hospital spokesman replied, “Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

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A few originals (hopefully) by me.

I read an article the other day that said women named Rachel are 10x more likely to get pulled over by the police...

Another terrible example of Rachel profiling.


_______


What do you call a dinosaur that is attempting to get his girlfriend to try new things in the bedr...

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

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If I had a vaccine for every bullshit news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook

I would have autism.

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[NSFW] I read an article about a British mam who masturbated until his penis bled...

What a bloody wanker

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

Three Nuns

One Friday, there were 3 nuns riding on a mountain road. They were coming around a turn when a semi rammed into them head on killing them instantly. They were coming to the gates of heaven and noticed a sign that said "Closed for Remodeling".
One nun knocked on the gates and out came St. Peter. H...

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I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

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Two old Italian men are sitting on a bench arguing about who is the most desirable woman in the world.

The first says, “For me, it must be the greatest Italian actress, Sophia Loren. Every man who ever saw her movies fantasized about her.”

The second man replies, “That’s what I used to think, but now it must be this woman from the United States, Virginia Pipalini.”

“Who is that!? I’ve n...

I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

-
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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

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So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

I tried to write an article about the world's most complicated top

But I couldn't figure out how to spin it.

I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

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What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

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A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took...

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An old farmer is known across the state for his giant pumpkins.

Every year he takes the blue ribbon at the state fair for biggest pumpkin, and every year his town throws a Pumpkin Parade for him where he drives the winner down Main Street in the back of his pickup, the local marching band plays, the mayor makes a speech--- the whole works. Makes the front page ...

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I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter...

Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

A journalisy doing an article about life in prison

He asks inmates about their daily routine

Prisoner1: i wake up eat,exercice, do laundry and take a shower

Prisoner2: i wake up read a book eat and after that i do laundry

Prisoner3: i wake up take a shower, eat and take a walk.

The journalist then asks him, dont you do la...

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I just read an article about the damage cigarettes can do to young children.

The first thought that occurred to me was "What the fuck happened to using ashtrays?!"

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In a bar in Berlin, before the war broke out, there sat Adolph Hitler at a table arguing with Rudolph Hess.

Goebbels was at another table with Bormann. Hermann Goering was up at the bar shooting shots of schnaps.

In walks an American reporter, recognizes Goering at the bar and strolls on up to him and introduces himself. He explains that he’s doing an article on the Nazi plans and goals for Germany...

I just found out that a doctor down the street has been arrested for dealing drugs...

It shows you how wrong you c an be about people. I have been a customer for many years and he is so different than the article implies. I never knew he was a doctor.

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after ...

What article of clothing is round and rubbery?

Attire.

Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage

I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.

I was listening to Uncertain Smile from The The. Man, I love that band...

...They are the genuine article.

Irish-man and Scot-man walk into a pub...

As they walk through the front door, the Scot walks in first. "A round of drinks for the whole house. I'm buying".

The next day, the lead article in the local paper read: "Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death behind local pub".

Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

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