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I read an article that said over half of the paintings in the National Gallery are counterfeit.

It was fake news.

I saw an article that said annoying people have a great sense of humor.

I found that really funny because- oh.

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I Just read an article about the dangers of alcohol and it scared the shit out of me

Thats it no more reading

I just read an article that Texas is number one in the nation for both depression and infidelity in relationships.

It's a sad state of affairs.

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I once read an article...

I once read an article that said that regular masturbation helped reduce the risk of prostate cancer.

But I have a friend who told me that drinking alcohol can *increase* the risk of prostate cancer.

That's why now every time I drink a beer, I rub one off.

I just wish the barten...

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I read an article that says " Masturbation causes memory loss"

That's like saying masturbation causes memory loss.

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I've just read a science article that claims semen can actually reduce wrinkles, but I'm calling bullshit on that one.

If it was true, my bed would probably make itself.

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a light bulb?

The answer will shock you!

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Bud...... he didn't like it - I had it.
Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn't like it so I had it.
It was the same with Guinness and Cider.
By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the bloody pram.

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Life in the countryside.

A tv reporter was tasked to go to the countryside and make an article about how people live in there. once he arrives, he sees an old man sitting by house in the entrance with a bottle of some alcoholic beverage, he introduces himself to the old man and asks him how is life in that place, the old ma...

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I read an article about a new revolutionary car that uses cow dung as fuel

But I think it's bullshit

A guy got very upset with me because I was looking over his shoulder reading the article he was reading on his phone.

I said "Relax... there's plenty of room in this handicapped stall for the both of us."

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I just read an article about premature ejaculation during masturbation.

It might come in handy.

I read in an article that women should kiss and nibble on a man's earlobe in bed to turn him on.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

A man was riding on the bus and reading and article about life and death statistics. Fascinated he turns to the fellow sitting next to him and says "did you know that everytime I breathe somebody's dies?"

The fellow turns to him and says "have you tried mouthwash?"

I tried to write an article about a recent bedding scandal.

But all the other news agencies had it covered.

My mom sent me an article about procrastination.

I think I'll read it later...

What is a fart fetishist's favorite article of clothing?





Windbreaker

Hitman kills cheating wife

I heard this one a long time ago.

A man tired of his cheating wife and wants to have her killed. He asked some of his friends and his and as soon referred to a local hitman named Artie.

The man meets Artie in a local bar and tells him that his wife is cheating on him and he wants her w...

Three nuns passed away and went up to Heaven. They were pleasantly surprised when Saint Peter informed them that in exchange for their many years of servitude and chastity, God Himself was going to bestow upon them each one wish...

The first nun said with a blush, "This is slightly embarrassing, but I have to admit, while I did love serving the Lord, the vow of chastity was really tough on me. May I return to Earth for a weekend of unbridled lust, with the face and body of Angelina Jolie?"

Saint Peter said, "Your wish i...

I recently read an article about the history of spices used in curry...

It was a cumin interest story.

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I just read an article on a woman with 12 breasts

Seems fake, dozen tit?

What type of online articles do bees read?

BuzzFeed

What's a mass murderer's favorite article of clothing?

Casual T's.

Was reading a "People Who Passed Away In 2020" article and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the co-developers of the basic copy and paste function for computers, died in February.

Was reading one of those "People Who Passed Away In 2020" articles and saw that Larry Tesler, one of the...

Was cleaning out our attic today when I found a dusty old Rolling Stone Magazine. One of the articles was about the late great singer Sam Cooke and had a photo of his report card from school.

History ~ Incomplete

Biology ~ Incomplete

Science ~ Incomplete

French ~ Incomplete

I read an article which said that I could become an optimist in 7 weeks.

I doubt it.

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

Why are Wikipedia articles so tasty?

Because of all the sources

I was just reading an article of ten facts about diarrhoea.

Number 2 will really surprise you!

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A man is sitting with his friend reading the newspaper.

He reads an article that the sex offender living in their city died in his bathtub. He reads this article out loud to his friend. Then he asks "I wonder what his last words were?"

His friend says "Hey, put down that toaster."

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I saw an article about a woman who tried to sell her kid on eBay. You shouldn’t sell your child on eBay. That’s something YOU made.

That shit goes on Etsy

Fact: Xi Jinping once slept in a house in Iowa

After many many year later...

The husband was watching the news and saw an article about Xi Jinping.

He was very very shocked and said to his wife: 'Hey, do you remember that Chinese guy who used to be at our house?'

The wife said: 'Of course I remember, why are you asking?'
...

Due to COVID I’ve been reading article after article forwards and backwards trying to make sense of it all.

And I have to say, I still don’t know what DIVOC is going on

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

So I was reading the Wikipedia article about Occam’s Razor...

...and the entire concept went completely over my head. I read the article over and over trying to get my head around it but I was totally lost. It got to the point that I started thinking that someone had made the article confusing as a joke. Maybe Occam’s Razor isn’t even a real thing? Maybe its j...

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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Barry's job was to write articles for a massive online news site run by the mafia...

He absolutely hated his job, but he had to stay because they would kill his family if he left. He had to write articles about the mafia’s crimes, and because the company had all the lawmakers bribed, they were untouchable even though they openly admitted to their crimes.





The ...

Read an article where a girl plans on marrying a tree.

That's so crazy but what if he leaves you.

Zelensky and Putin meet in Belarus to discuss a possible armistice when a suddenly a bomb goes off

There is a lot of confusion and when security finally manages to get to the presidents, both of them are in a horrible shape and need to be put in an artificial coma.

After 10 years, they both wake up in the hospital and are visibly confused. No doctor or nurse was around, so they decide to p...

I asked my friend, “Hey, did you read that article about a social media platform that has some very toxic people, very questionable virtual communities, and people that come together to do amazing things?”

He replies: “Yeah, I Reddit.”

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:

"My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offense committed by his limb."

"Well put," the judge replied. "Using your logic, I sentence the defendant's arm to ...

While reading an article last night about fathers and sons, memories came flooding back to the time I took my son out for his first beer.

Off we went to our local pub only two blocks from home.

I got him a Guinness. He didn't like it, so I drank it. Possibly too strong a taste, so I bought him a Worthington's, he didn't like that either, so I drank it.

Possibly something lighter? I thought he might like a local lager...

My dad just read an article entitled "Mars is humming. Scientists aren't sure why."

His response? "Maybe it doesn't know the words."

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

I've compiled a list of the top 10 click bait articles on the internet

Number 7 will shock you

According to a recent article, someone has been kicking dirt on Mark Twain's burial site.

*The plot thickens.*

I read an article on internet....

and it said that 3 of the most common hereditary diseases in the world are-


diabetes, hemophilia and infertility.

My friends keep sending me articles that Bill Withers died... I keep telling them

I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know I know



(R.I.P.)

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A journalist wants to write an article about the life of Welsh farmers...

When he finds one, amidst the questions he asks: "What was the best day of your life?"

The farmer answers:" One day we lost a sheep. We looked everywhere, and when we finally found her, we wanted to celebrate, so we fucked her!".

The journalist is taken aback, he can't really...

I read an article about doctors taking almost a week to remove food lodged in a man’s throat.

“Dad chokes for days”

Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

There was an article in the paper today about Apple and Reddit doing a collaboration.

iReddit

I just read an article on the bikini...

it's two parts and pretty revealing.

I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

I read a news article saying that there's a backlog of bodies piling up at the morgue.

Must be that God damn Coronervirus.

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

It's a bit ironic a website filled with people that don't read the articles

is called "Reddit"

I just read an article titled, "100 Things To Do Before You Die"

I was quite surprised that, "Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

A friend told me that they read an article from a major health organization that Coronavirus is going to be worse than earlier reported.

“WHO said that?”

“Yes.”

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A junior journalist is given his first article

For this, she was asked to make the best-possible artivle abut a little town near the city where the newspaper is located.

She went to the town decided to make her best with this, and even create a great article, but no one is on the streets.

She kept walking on and on, and finally mee...

What article of clothing helps you when your sick?

Pant-ibodies.

A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

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I just read that article about Robot Sex Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

just finished editing an article on freedom of speech

can't choose between comic sans and liberation serif

Alan Dershowitz privately counselled Senate Republicans on how to handle the articles of impeachment for Donald Trump

He said “If you’re not Mitt, you must acquit.”

What's the difference between AN editor and THE editor?

A definite vs indefinite article.

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

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A recent article in the Daily Post reported that a man, Dave Harper, sued St Pauls Hospital, saying that after his wife had surgery there, she lost all interest in sex.

A Hospital spokesman replied:
Mrs Harper was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct her eyesight.

I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

I saw a news article about how a dwarf got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

Read an article last week that said women aren’t getting married because there’s less “economically attractive” men...

...so we’ve finally reached equal pay.

New article about an asteroid colliding with Earth

I couldn't read it... Hits too close to home.

An English lady, while vacationing in Switzerland, fell in love with a small town and the surrounding countryside.

She asked the pastor of a local church if he knew of any houses with rooms to rent that were close to town, but out in the country. The pastor kindly drove her out to see a house with a room to rent. She loved the house and decided to rent the room. Then, the lady returned to her home in England to ...

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

A recent survey of women on Tinder revealed that a majority of women would rather hook up with an amateur pilot than an experienced military jet pilot.

"DAMNIT!" a young airman yells as he slams his phone onto the bar.

"Tom, calm down! What's got you so riled up?" his buddy says to him.

"I just read an article that says women wanna hook up with amateur pilots over good looking pilots like us that keep the skies safe" Tom says.
...

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival's restaurant

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival's famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn't turn out the same. The owner sends him back.

The second ...

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

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One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across t...

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There's a man who hates his wife

He is reading the newspaper and sees an ad for a hitman named Arti who only costs a dollar! The man calls Arti and tells him that his wife goes to Walmart every Saturday at 10:00 AM. Arti goes to Walmart and waits. Then he sees the man's wife so Arti jumps over and choked her to death. But somebody ...

Clickbait articles are a thing of the past

Except for this one.

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Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

CNN Made a Joke Article for April Fools

Just another day in the office.

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

Just saw a news article

about someone impersonating a mime. The mime community is quite upset about this but something tells me they aren't going to speak out about it.

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

A joke my dad has been telling for 45 years

My dad played high school baseball, and the second baseman, John, eventually grew up to be a very successful accountant and married his high school sweetheart. Over the next 25 years, John also collected rare and antique baseball cards, eventually accumulating the world's most expensive collection…<...

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

I read a newspaper article about a woman who stole a bunch of toilet paper from wal mart

They said she got away with it scott free

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

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What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

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A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took...

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after ...

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[NSFW] I read an article about a British mam who masturbated until his penis bled...

What a bloody wanker

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

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So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

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I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

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What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage

I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.

I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

Once I was commissioned to write an article about carrying rocks around in wet paper bags

In the end it all fell through

Check out this article:

The

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

How is Reddit like Playboy?

No one reads the articles.

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I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter...

Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.

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