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Yesterday I read an article about the dangers of drinking too much...

It scared the shit out of me.
So today I decided I'm never reading again.

Have you read the article about broken pencils?

I hope not, the reviewers said it’s pointless and lead on for too long.

Just found this very promising article of procrastination

I think I'll read it tomorrow

A writer from the New York Times submits an article about Bernie Sanders but it is denied.

(First post here. Sorry if it sucks)

Writer: What??? I put my heart and soul into this article? What was wrong with it?

His boss: Oh, the paper’s fine, it’s just full of grammatical errors.

Writer: Like what?

His boss: Well, for example, you didn’t capitalize “Bernie Sand...

I saw a news article about how a dwarf got pickpocketed.

How could anyone stoop so low?

Just saw an article about brain eating amoebas becoming a potential problem in Texas (true). I remember this happened about 10 years ago in Alabama and the outcome was terrible.

Poor amoebas nearly starved to death!

I keep reading nothing but black hole articles...

They just keep pulling me in!

I read an article called "7 signs you might be an overachiever"

I related to 8 of them

I read an article stating that 25% of all woman are now on psychotropic medications.

This is a very scary thought that has unnerved me. "That means that 75% are still running around untreated."

My neighbor tricked me into buying his dog by claiming it could sew any article of clothing,

But all it does is pants.

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While reading an article about fathers and sons drinking together, I remembered the time I took my daughter out for her first drink.

Off we went to our local bar only two blocks from the house.
I got her a Guinness. She didn't like it, so I drank it.
Then I got her a Killian's she didn't like that either, so I drank it.
Finally, I thought she might like some Harp Lager? She didn't. I drank it.

I thought maybe she'...

A British tabloid receives an order for a smear article about an activist...

After two weeks of digging, the assigned reporters go to the editor and shake their heads.


"It's impossible, boss," they say. "There's nothing about the bloke, not even gossip. He doesn't even have a parking ticket. In fact, he's pretty much a saint: the only time his name appears in poli...

I recently read an article that claimed 77% of redditors don't understand the concept of percentages.

That's absurd, there isn't even that many of us.

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After years of speculation, researchers have finally published a journal article documenting how long people tend to spend engaging in sexual activity.

It’s about fucking time.

I read a newspaper article about a woman who stole a bunch of toilet paper from wal mart

They said she got away with it scott free

How many clickbait articles does it take to change a lightbulb?

The answer may shock you.

A lady on a commuter train is reading a newspaper article about life and death statistics.



Fascinated, she turns to the man next to her and asks, “Did you know that every time I breathe somebody dies?”



“Really?” he said. “Have you tried a good mouthwash?”

CNN Made a Joke Article for April Fools

Just another day in the office.

How many Forbes writers does it take to make a good, solid tech article?

You’re in for a nasty surprise -
No one knows yet. But we’re keeping count.

I’d make a joke about Article 13, but...

*This post has been removed under breach of the EU Copyright Legislation.*

Just read an article on how JFK died.

Mind. Blown.

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Why do articles by the Washington Post always elicit shock and surprise?

Well, they wanted to be called “Town Gasp: No Shit!” Until management rearranged the spelling to be less offensive.

Clickbait articles are a thing of the past

Except for this one.

I read an article saying that you might be an alcoholic if you drink everyday

Thank god I only drink every night

If you are old enough to write articles on anti-vaccination

Your parents probably made the right choice, unfortunately it was on you.

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I was reading an article about top porn searches around the world

It’s titled “what has this world come to”

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What do you call an article full of mean dead girls

Ab o-bitch-uary

A questionable article on marine biology goes viral.

"**New study reveals migrating Crows' droppings may be responsible for great barrier barrier reef bleaching**"

The article receives widespread criticism from the scientific community. Marine biologists across the globe insist that coralation does not imply Cawsality.

A husband read an article to his wife

about how many words women use a day...30,000 to a man's 15,000.

The wife replied, "The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men!"

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, "What?"

I saw a clickbait article: "Watch Eminem attack Trump like no President has ever been attacked."

I mean... Kennedy was shot in the head... But ok.

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

Article on the future of L.A. rapper "Post Malone" was withdrawn from print by local mail service.

Or;

Post on post-Post Malone's career and goals was postponed from posting by postal service.

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One night while the husbands at the pub a wife gets to reading an article “is your vagina getting saggy”

After some thought she starts to worry so gets the idea to examine her nethers. After trying with a mirror from all angles she decides to put the mirror on the floor and squat over it to get a real good look.

To her surprise her husband comes into the room. All of a sudden he dashed across t...

I just read an article titled, "100 Things To Do Before You Die"

I was quite surprised that, "Yell for help!" wasn't one of them.

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I read a news article about a woman with 12 boobs

Seems pretty interesting, dozen tit?

I just read an article in the news that Kim Jong Un reads more than 1,000 books a year...

I guess that’s why they call him the Supreme Reader.

I read an article on the hibernation of animals.

It's winter resting.

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I just read that article about Robot Sex Workers, and all I could think was, "Man, automation really is taking over all the jobs...

Even your mom's.

So I Submitted an Article to the School Newspaper

The article was written on the dangers of dihydrogen monoxide. The article ended up being brought to the attention of the administrators. After about a month, the administration closed down the school due to "chemical risks." When the school reopened, it was disconnected from all water lines.

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I was reading an article on how men could be the victims of domestic abuse

I was starting to believe this crap, but thankfully, my wife came in and slapped me back to my senses. That's the last time I'm reading men's rights propaganda.

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A recent article in the San Francisco Examiner reported that Nancy Pelosi has sued Stanford Hospital...

...saying that “after her husband had surgery there, he has lost all interest in sex.”

A hospital spokesman replied, “Your husband was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight.”

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[NSFW] I read an article about a British mam who masturbated until his penis bled...

What a bloody wanker

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If I had a vaccine for every bullshit news article that's been spread about by stay at home moms on Facebook

I would have autism.

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I read an article that said "there have been no reported glueten allergies in the state of West Virginia"

I thought it was inbred?

Scientists have discovered the best way to cure laziness.

Unfortunately nobody has bothered to read the article.

A man had an adult daughter who he loved dearly but rarely met. He decided to send her a letter, and in it was hundreds of pieces of advice to help her succeed in life.

The advice ranged from career to cooking to basic mechanics; it was like a manual for life, and it took him a good while to rewrite, condense, and perfect.

When he went to the post office to send the letter, he met the mail deliverer Kurt. Kurt said he would deliver the letter.

The man...

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I just read a long article about Japanese sword fighters.

If you want, I can samurais it for you.

I want to get better at grammar so I was reading about the indefinite article.

It went on forever.

I was reading an article that said alligators aren't mating this summer

Scientists blamed it on reptile dysfunction

An Irishman and Donald Trump are reading an article about brain transplants

It says you can get you can a brain transplant from a Irish man for €5000 cheaper than an american.

Trump says "This proves that America is the greatest country ever and Americans are the smartest people ever"

"No it doesnt" says the Irishman "It just means an Americans Brain hasnt ...

Did anybody see the article about the leopard whose fur was bleached solid white?

It was recently spotted

I read an article that said it's good for your eyesight to look at something distant occasionally during computer use.

So I put a picture of my dad next to the monitor.

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So I was just reading an article about the Sandusky sexual abuse case, only to realize that the article was not about Jerry Sandusky but his son, Jeffery. I guess the old saying is true...

The family that preys together, stays together.

Once I was commissioned to write an article about carrying rocks around in wet paper bags

In the end it all fell through

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What is a pornstar's favorite article of clothing?

A jack it

I wrote an article about "The top 10 worst places to stick a fork"...

The 5th one will shock you!

Be careful today when searching "Giant Black Hole Pics"

All I keep getting are scientific articles.

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What do you call a magazine article about my wife's orgasms?

Fake news.

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Three nuns perish in a bus crash...

...and are whisked straight to heaven.

St. Peter greets them at the gate with a warm welcome.

“Sisters, you have all three been paragons of the Catholic faith. The good Lord would like to bestow upon you one last day on earth as anyone you would like to be. Live for a day as whomever y...

My flirtatious neighbor called me and said that she bought too many zucchinis and ended up making two cheese and zucchini pies. She said I was welcome to come over and take one, and she also had some left over herbs that I could have.

So I went over, and she told she had just finished reading a Cosmo article called "which traffic sign are you?"



"Which traffic sign would your ideal woman be?" she asked me seductively.



I said " Ain't no particular sign I'm more compatible with I just want your extra t...

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A reporter is doing an article on the russian rural life-style...

...and she ends up in a small village.

The first person she interviews is an old man.

Reporter: Can you tell me anything interesting about your village?

Old man: Well there was this one time when a dog from a neighbouring village got lost in our woods... so we found it and took...

Three social media news article writers walk into a bar

You won't believe what happens next.

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I read an article recently on Hitler's speechwriter...

Apparently he was a real grammar Nazi.

I can't wait to read the BuzzFeed article on "20 Things You Will Love about Stranger Things"

Eleven will blow your mind!!!

Letter to the IRS

## Letter to the IRS – Oh, if only paying our federal income tax were actually this easy …

Attn: IRS

Enclosed is my current tax return & payment.

Please take note of the attached article from the USA Today newspaper. In the article, you will see the Pentagon is paying $171....

A journalisy doing an article about life in prison

He asks inmates about their daily routine

Prisoner1: i wake up eat,exercice, do laundry and take a shower

Prisoner2: i wake up read a book eat and after that i do laundry

Prisoner3: i wake up take a shower, eat and take a walk.

The journalist then asks him, dont you do la...

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I just read an article about the damage cigarettes can do to young children.

The first thought that occurred to me was "What the fuck happened to using ashtrays?!"

A journalist is writing an article about a mental hospital

He asks the head doctor the following question.

'How do you establish whether a patient can leave the asylum?'

'Well, we have little exercises to establish their mental state. If they complete such exercises correctly, they're judged fit to leave.'

'Could you give me an example?...

What article of clothing is round and rubbery?

Attire.

Me and My wife wrote the best articles on how to create a successful marriage

I would have published it but she took half of it in the divorce settlement.

Where do you find an old Onion article?

In thier archives.

A friend of mine was reading an article on a newspaper talking about the dangers of drinking, after that he stopped doing what he loved...

...reading.

Did you guys read the article in the paper about what's been happening at the local supermarket?...

Well, in order to cut costs a week or so ago they bought about ten shiny new robots to go around and collect the shopping carts and trash the customers leave behind in the parking lots, basically replacing some of the jobs human employees get paid to do. The article goes on to talk about how, after ...

How do you know if Buzzfeed article is stolen?

You get the feeling that you've Reddit before.

I read an article that said to cheer up as adults, we should embrace things we loved as kids.

So, when I am sad I hide in the shower and try to watch the babysitter pee.

What do reddit and Playboy magazine have in common?

No one actually reads the articles.

What is a pirates favorite article of clothing?

His sc*aaarrrr*f

Did you hear about the article in Psychology Today about disproving the existence of Observation Bias?

The head researcher was quoted as saying "it turned out to be just as we expected".

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