I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...

They're doing asbestos they can.

Teacher: Who can tell me what are the best flammable materials?

Jewish kid: Me Me Me

Teacher: ok, what else?

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

What material does Mario use for his pants?

Denim denim denim

Made with 100% recycled material

/r/jokes

P.s. recycled from frontpage.

British scientists have created a new high-tech material that reaches peak performance around 5pm

They called it Tea-timeum.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

What is a rare material in the bee community?

Hiveory

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

What does the blacksmith say when his materials are on sale?

"What a steel!"

What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

What material do they use to make tools in China?

Thaitanium

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

Where does Trump get his materials for the wall?

WallMart

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

What's a Trump supporter's favorite reading material?

MAGAzines

Truly management material

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I looked through my son's internet history and found out that we masturbate to the same material.

His girlfriend's Facebook photos.

NASA says they've found organic material on Mars...

...but they're probably just putting 'organic ' on the label so they can mark up the prices by 200%

What material do african blacksmiths use the most?

Steel.

An American contractor puts out a tender for a bridge to be constructed.

Several engineers apply for the job.

The German engineer comes with mechanics and techniques and proposes a bridge to be built for the sum of 20 million dollars.

The Chinese engineer comes, plagiarizes and copies the Germans stuff and after a lot of cost cutting and cheap materials, pr...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Trump Just Announced: Free Materials Sourced for the Border Wall

"It was all a part of my plan, you see," he began. "I knew if I were to win, which I knew I would, it would be yuuuuge.

"When I won, half the population shit a brick.

"The bricks are already starting to dry. We're ahead of schedule. Way ahead. Bigly ahead.

"And, with all thes...

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

I was working at a transportation company that specializes in construction material

I'm a screwdriver

Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

What is a pirates favourite material?

Yarrrn

What's a pirates favorite material?

~~Arrrgyle~~*YARRRN!*^Thanks ^Bravesurf

There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

From the Confessions page of MIT-Boston (ROFL Material)

#8132
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my b.f seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat an...

The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.

His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. T...

You can lead a horse to water

...and you can now make him drink thanks to modern science!


Hi Billy Mays here to tell you about a joke that's front page material!
I'm not asking for 30,000 upvotes, I'm asking for $19.99 + shipping and handling.
BUT WAIT THERE'S MORE!
CLICK NOW AND WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR KAR...

Rich, Dave, and Johnny are contractors.

Rich, Dave and Johnny are three contractors who are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.

Rich first takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. “Well,” he says, “I figure t...

The Blonde Nun

One night a blonde nun was praying in her room when God appeared before her.


"My daughter, you have pleased me greatly. Your heart is full of love for your fellow creatures and your actions and prayers are always for the benefit of others. I have come to you, not only to thank and commend...

One day co-workers Alice and Bob were talking over the water cooler. Soon the conversation turned to Alice's husband Walter and his plans for the future.

"He's up for a promotion, but he's kinda screwed. He'd be moving up from the mail room to a position with some management responsibilities, but he never actually graduated college and that's usually a requirement. They like him though, so there's just one course he has to take and get a good grade i...

If I had a dollar for every time I heard "If I had a dollar" jokes...

I could pay someone to write better material

Doing a 2-minute standup performance of some sort in a tech press conference in a few hours and am in desperate need for some material.

Jokes about computers, programming, cellphones, or what have you. So long as it's brief, appropriate to the theme (technology), and in good taste. I'll be very grateful for all the input. Please, I have no skill in joke-writing, but am decent at public speaking, I just need to borrow good some mater...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As a former standup comic, a few words about all of the "comic thief" posts lately... It's more common than you think. (XPost on request)

For a couple years I was a professional stand-up comic. This was back in the 90s, so who wasn't one back then?. And by professional I mean "full-time job," not the "I do drunk open-mic nights" type.

There was an understanding in the industry. If your shit is funny, it will be stolen. It was p...

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman each placed a bid for a big government construction job.

"I'll do it for 30 million," said the Englishman. "How is that figure broken down?" asked the civil servant in charge of the scheme. "10 million for the labour, 10 million for the materials and 10 million for me," said the Englishman.


The Irishman was called in next and said, "I'll do ...

Most Precious Element

In school one day, the teacher decided that for science class she would teach about raw materials. She stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"


Little Stevie raised his hand and said, "I would want gold, becau...

Jokes on Reddit are like a paper bag

They're 100% recycled material.

A man runs out of money in a foreign Asian country

A man runs out of money while traveling a foreign country in Asia. Desperate for food he hears the locals discussing the Monks and their great kindness. Hearing this, the man decides to seek out the temple and beg the monks for food.

After finding the temple, the man is taken in and well fed....

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

There was a line drawing competition going on in Las Vegas...

The goal of the competition was to make the straightest line (7 ft long) with the weirdest material. Bobby Jay, a contestant, wanted to wow the judges so he could win the competition. So he decided to do something different.

Bobby wanted to make his line out of fruit punch, never seen before....

Trump asks for quotes...

... for building the wall. First he goes to a Mexican company. They do the calculations of material and labour and answer him that they will do it for 10 billion dollars. Second he goes to an American company which answers him they will build it for 20 billion dollars. Ofcourse it will be much bigge...

I wasn't going to make a joke about Zion's shoe exploding...

Between stitches, an asian kid told me "You don't have quality material" insisting "[I] put myself in his shoes. Just for a minute. Just do it!"

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi...

A priest, a swami, and a rabbi were arguing as to who were the best at their job. So they decided to go into the woods, find a bear, and attempt to convert it to their respective religion. After several hours, they met up again at a local disco to share the result of their venture.

The priest...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

A mohel (guy who does circumcisions) is retiring after a long 50 year career...

For shits and giggles, every time he did a circumcision he saved the foreskin and put in a giant jar he kept in the back of his office. After 50 years he has a full jar of foreskins, and he figures he can use them...

One day a man decided to retire...

He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and
proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon finds himself on an island with no other
people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one ...

Every time he told a joke, someone would immediately shout out the punchline....

Dad sighed, "I guess I need to go out and buy a loom."

The kids replied, "Why is that?"

Dad responded, "Because I need to make some new material!"

If I had a dollar for every repost I see on Reddit, I’d be just like Carlos Mencia...

Making money off of used material.

So there was a police officer and his police dog...

The officer called the dog Joke, as it made him laugh always. Regardless, he loved the dog. However, one day the dog was demoted and reassigned to another Buddhist officer who wanted a dog to help him abstain from material things. The first officer was, of course upset. One of his friends he worked ...

What are your favourite jokes that when you say then people sigh from frustration?

My favourite type of jokes are the ones with a stupid answers or just ones that are so bad they are good. Recently I have run out of material so I have turned to reddit to stock up. So tell me your worst and most annoying jokes

Two old college buddies bump into each other

Two old college buddies bump into each other at the reunion after 10 years apart. Jack and Hadid used to be thick as thieves back in college, chasing girls, getting into trouble and all sorts of mischief.

Jack was surprised to find out that Hadid also took up a career in stand up comedy and b...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Bobby goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been reposting to /r/jokes."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Bobby?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And what joke was it that you reposted?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to spoil the joke for you."

"Well, Bobby, ...

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

One night in Baghdad, an American, an Englishman and an Iraqi were sitting, chilling with cold beer in a night bar.

The American took his glass, drank the beer, threw the glass into the air, pulled his pistol, shot the glass, commenting that they have such cheap glasses in America that they do not have to drink from the same one twice.

The Englishman, impressed, grabs his glass and does the same thing as ...

What's the difference between r/jokes and a recycling depot?

Occasionally new material passes through the recycling depot.

Men with piercings are ideal...

Men with piercings are ideal marriage material. They are not new to pain and they have experience with buying jewelry.

The seamstress tried her hand at making jokes.

But this time she was all out of material.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Japanese Catholic boy is asking his mom why he has to pay tithing

His mom replies, "Well, the Precepts of the Church maintain that each member has an obligation to support the material needs of the Church. Tithing is a voluntary donation that they rely on to have the materials needed for the Church."


Visibly processing this information, the boy asks, ...

Doctor describes bad food

A doctor tells a group of patients, "The material we put into our stomachs is terrible. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water....

To his great surprise, Bob won the largest lottery in history.

Unsure what to do with his newfound fortune, he decided to build the world's biggest ship. It was 10 miles long and 3 miles wide; a floating city. Once the ship was complete, Bob had to hire thousands of people to work on it and make it run properly. He held mass interviews and hired sailors, police...

There would be less pollution in the world if everyone joined reddit.

We've been teaching people how to recycle the same material for years.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was TAing an electrostatics lab.

The experiment was to see what happens when you rub wool on a bunch of rods of different materials and then bring the rods near scraps of paper. One student’s lab report had this observation on what happens when you try to electrostatically charge up a metal rod and bring it near paper: “paper remai...

The heads of state of the US and China sit down to a meeting.

Donald Trump says to Xi Jinping, "I'm gonna build a wall, it's going to be the best wall, Jinping, you've got a wall, I'm going to build it better than yours."

Xi replies, "It took thousands of Chinese workers a very long time to build the Great Wall. Are you sure your country is ready for th...

Walking down the beech, a guy kicks a lamp, and a geenie pops out.

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects the ...