What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

What's made up of 100% recyclable material?

Front page of Reddit

What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of?

Yawn

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Translucent: When some light passes through a material

Transparent: When your dad identifies more as your mom

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

Recycled joke material is more harmful than cigarettes

I've seen the laughter of an entire audience die out from second-hand joke.

Using recycled material, I've made the kids a stuffed dog for Christmas.

It used to be their real dog.

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

What material makes up 12 eggs?

Dozen matter.

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

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Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

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After a lifetime of work a Mohel (ritual circumcisioner) finally decided to hang up his knife.

Over the years he had kept all the “trimmings” of his work and decided to have them made into something to celebrate his retirement so he took them to a leather worker and asked him to make something special.

He went back a week later and was presented with - a wallet. “Beautiful” he tells th...

What kind of material is the floor of a mosque?

Islaminate

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A lady walks into a fancy jewellery store.

She browses around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely she inadvertently breaks wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accident and prays that a sales person doesn't pop up right ...

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A scientist was put in charge of developing new methods of assassination for the CIA.

He came up with several ideas, and the director of the CIA came down to see them demonstrated.

He showed off ballpoint pen dart-guns and poisoned bubble gum, but nothing seemed to impress the director. Finally, he stood up to leave.

"I'm going to go take a piss, and then I'm headed bac...

Why should stone masons not be given a lot of money/materials to work with?

They take too much for granite

Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”

Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!”

Teacher : “Okay what else?”

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

What material are the Mario Brothers overalls made of?

Denim, denim, denim

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A guy goes to a tailor to buy a suit.

The tailor offers a couple of suits but they are too expensive for his taste.
He was going to leave when the tailor remembered that one custom suit he had made for a guy with one arm and one leg that were shorter than his other arm and leg and he never came in to pick it up.
The suit being a c...

Two Interpol officers were taking a Chinese criminal back to China when they got stranded on an island

Officer 1, being the senior, came up with a plan for their survival.

Officer 1: Ok, so here's what we'll do. Officer 2, you'll go around the island and collect material for us to build a shelter. I will keep trying my phone to try and contact HQ to pick us up. Chinese guy you go into the wood...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

A man died and was waiting in line to get into Heaven.

He was third in line, and overheard St. Peter talking to the other souls.

"What were you in life?" St. Peter asked of one man.

"I was a personal injury lawyer," came the reply.

"Well, come with me," said St. Peter. "I will show you to your quarters." And St. Peter led the man ...

How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

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A girl walks into a department store

Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"

"Only one kiss per yard," replied the smirking male clerk.

"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."

With expectation and a...

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

Reddit has just released it's 2020 green initiative report:

Up to 97% of the front page is now recycled material with a goal of 99% by end of year.

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Two rednecks are at work, digging a trench

Two rednecks, Billy and Bob, are at work digging a trench. The sun is beating down on them, sweat is dripping off their faces, and their hands are blistered from the shovels.

After slogging away at this for days, they start to grumble at the misery of their lot. Eventually Billy says to Bob,...

How would the Church of England deal with the statement that "the cat sat on the mat" if it appeared in the Bible?

The liberal theologians would point out that such a passage did not of course mean that the cat literally sat on the mat. Also, cat and mat had different meanings in those days from today, and anyway, the text should be interpreted according to the customs and practices of the period.

This ...

One day a man decided to retire... He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How...

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

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A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

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A mom was cleaning her twelve-year-old son's bedroom.

Under the bed she found some serious bondage gear and other fetish material. Horrified, she asks the dad what should they do with him.

Dad:"Well I'm no expert but I wouldn't fucking spank him."

What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

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I looked through my son's internet history and found out that we masturbate to the same material.

His girlfriend's Facebook photos.

Larry, the Chemical Engineer

Larry was a chemical engineer who worked for DuPont Chemicals and who was brilliant at his job. He’d been the main guy responsible for developing Kevlar and a host of other really great plastics and polymers.

However, it had been quite a while between new developments and so the VP of Researc...

Why is this sub-reddit the most environmentally-friendly service online?

Because the content is made up of 95% recycled materials.

Where does Trump get his materials for the wall?

WallMart

What is a rare material in the bee community?

Hiveory

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

What does the blacksmith say when his materials are on sale?

"What a steel!"

What material do they use to make tools in China?

Thaitanium

The animal kingdom had become overpopulated.

The lion, being the head of the animal kingdom, made a decree: a joke telling contest would be held at the end of the week. The tortoise, unanimously agreed upon as being the fairest of all the animals, was appointed as the official judge. The rules were simple: tell your joke to the tortoise, and i...

My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada. He's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, stunningly beautiful alley he's ever come across...

It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love and he's a lover of old streets.


The ground of the alley is a light orange in hue, with a soft almost nutty sheen and texture.

His feet feel refreshed!

The street has gorgeous slopes and embankments, li...

I bought a book about materialism.

It wasn't worth it.

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

Truly management material

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

A newly hired operations manager spends a week with the outgoing operations manager in order to learn his new duties and responsibilities.

As the outgoing manager gets ready to leave for good, he tells the new manager that he has placed three numbered envelopes in the top drawer of the desk. He tells the new manager that each time he runs into a crisis that he cannot solve to open an envelope, starting with the first one, and follow th...

A government agent is responsible for finding an architect to build a tower

So he brings 3 architects, a Chinese, an American and an Iranian. The Chinese architect says I charge 3 Millions, 1.5M for material, 1M for workers and 0.5M as my salary.

He goes to the next one. The American architect says I charge 6 Millions, 3M for material, 2M for workers and 1M as my sal...

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Trump Just Announced: Free Materials Sourced for the Border Wall

"It was all a part of my plan, you see," he began. "I knew if I were to win, which I knew I would, it would be yuuuuge.

"When I won, half the population shit a brick.

"The bricks are already starting to dry. We're ahead of schedule. Way ahead. Bigly ahead.

"And, with all thes...

A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive...

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

An old priest climbs a mountain and asks god:

"dear lord, I've given you my life and my love. I've dedicated my entire life to spreading your name. In my old day, please grand me a wish"

So God told him "fine, you are granted one wish. But don't make it to difficult on me."

The priest thinks for a while and then says "dear god, I...

3 dinosaurs walk up to a shiny lamp

One of them rubs it, and a mystical blue genie flies out of it!

"Hello! I am genie! Since there are 3 of you, you each get 1 wish!

"I wish for a large piece of meat!" The first dinosaur said.

And so a large slab of meat materialized before his eyes and plopped down in front of h...

NASA says they've found organic material on Mars...

...but they're probably just putting 'organic ' on the label so they can mark up the prices by 200%

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There was a little boy whose mother was about to have a baby. One day the little boy walked in and saw his mother naked.

He asked his mother what the hair between her legs was.

She responded,"My washcloth."

Weeks later after the mother had the baby, the young boy walked in on his mother again. While she was in the hospital, the doctor shaved her pubic hair.

The boy asked his mother, "What happen...

The genie of the lamp

A hipster goes to an antique market where he spots a cool looking brass lamp. It's only $20, so he buys and takes it home.
He spots a black mark on the side so he gets out the brass polish and rubs it to remove the mark. There's a flash and this giant Middle Eastern dude appeares in his lounge. "...

Why can't Madonna walk through walls?

Because we're living in a material world and she's a material girl.

Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.

I was working at a transportation company that specializes in construction material

I'm a screwdriver

A man is walking in a storm, alone and lost. He then comes upon a Monastery.

Having no place to go, the poor man approaches the wooden desolate door of the old Monastery and knocks upon the door. The door opens to a rather withered old Monk, who greets the man. “I am the Head Monk of this monastery. Can I help you?” The man asks for refuge overnight and is taken up into the ...

From the Confessions page of MIT-Boston (ROFL Material)

#8132
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my b.f seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat an...

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

What's a pirates favorite material?

~~Arrrgyle~~*YARRRN!*^Thanks ^Bravesurf

A group of monks are responsible for hand-making new copies of the bible...

The entire monastery is devoted to the task, each day they all wake up and say their prayers before a humble breakfast and then they begin work. On the anniversary of creating his thousandth copy of the bible since he first joined the monastery two decades ago, brother Gray asks the abbot if he coul...

Help finish a punchline...

Hey guys, I'm writing my first ever piece of comedic material (very amateur level) and I'm trying to finish a joke. I'm looking to see if anyone can help. The situation is that I have to share a prize with someone who I feel is beneath me so the line would resemble something like this...

"I'm...

What is a pirates favourite material?

Yarrrn

A man was studying to be a filmmaker...

Since he was big live music fan, he started hitting up his favorite local bands and offering to do behind-the-scenes documentary sessions as promotional materials. He got a few bites and after shooting a few small acts, his work really took off, developing a reputation for the way he seemed to disap...

Story about Kenny Loggins

Was reading this story today about Top Gun, and found another story about Kenny Loggins. Apparently he was part of a recent program to clone musicians and artists, to isolate and modify the genes responsible for creativity. There was a limit of the number of clones that could be created, and at one ...

I never understood people's fanatic attachment to their clothes..

..it's just sew material.

What material should you never use to create or build with?

Tin that was mined by moles. Anything you make with it melts immediately.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Rumor has it...

There’s a cliff you can leap off of, shout out a word, and land in whatever you said.

Three men heard of this rumor and traveled to that cliff. One man leaps off and shouts, “Hundred dollar bills!” Sure enough, he lands in enough money to last him the rest of his life.

The next man jum...

The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.

His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. T...

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