Material Jokes - 94 Hilarious Material Jokes

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

A guy tried to tell me about a tool that makes holes in hard materials, but I stopped him.

I know the drill.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

I made this awesome new material that is immune to chicken attacks.

It’s impeckable.

Apparently they couldn’t prove the construction company used poor quality materials when building the bridge that fell down.

They had no concrete evidence.

A Science Teacher stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world, what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is worth a lot of money and I could buy a Corvette." The teacher nodded, and then she called on little Susie.

Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." ...

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

What materials do fruits use for walkways?

Pomegranate

My new venture in Russia for renting heavy machinery used to lift materials was not very successful.

U-Crane

A doctor was addressing a large audience in Oxford "The materials we put into our stomach should have killed most of us sitting here, years ago.

. Red meat is full of steroids and dye. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High transfat diets can be disastrous and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water. But... There is one thing that is the more dangerous to all us...

These Cthulu memes I've seen now and again, need to get some new material

All I ever see are Old Ones.

Material Guy

A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying “Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!”

The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.

The guy looks down where his arm used to be ...

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

They just discovered the cause of the implosion

OceanGate was purchasing materials for the vessel and misunderstood the term "substandard".

What do you call a joke with only two upvotes?

Original material.

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

What's Mario's favourite material?

Denim denim denim!

What do you call the Dr. Scholls conveyor belt used for cutting materials to various foot sizes?

*insert punchline*

Do you have a favorite material? Mines Limestone...

But a lot of people take it for granite

What material makes up 12 eggs?

Dozen matter.

Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”

Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!”

Teacher : “Okay what else?”

A comedian was telling jokes about Putin. The material was not very good but

the execution was great.

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Greta thunberg began screaming,

“I will not fly private!” She said to her manager as they pulled into the parking lot.

“The conference is two days away and across the ocean, would you like to fly coach?” He replied.

“On a commercial airline produced by slave labor? I don’t think so!” She screamed.

Her manag...

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

What material did Mario use to make his Halloween costume?

Denim denim denim

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

My cow saves every scap of usable material.

He's recyclebull

What's a pirate's least favourite letter?

Dear Sir/Madam,

We are writing this letter to inform you that your account has been suspended for illegal downloading of copyrighted material

After a grueling 12 hour shift I felt my mood lift as I walked in on my girlfriend wearing nothing but her skimpiest undies and a smile.

My smile soon faded as she yelled at me, saying I'd "stretch the material" and that I should "buy my own".

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

Apple should be commended for using recycled materials in their products. Recycled plastics, recycled aluminum...

...even their phone designs are recycled

Recycled joke material is more harmful than cigarettes

I've seen the laughter of an entire audience die out from second-hand joke.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Truly management material

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

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Herbert the Pervert Has a Favorite Construction Material, What is it?

Sement.

Made with 100% recycled material

/r/jokes

P.s. recycled from frontpage.

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

What's it called when you try to appear PC by conspicuously including little people in your company's ad material

Tolkienism

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

What's a pirates favorite material?

~~Arrrgyle~~*YARRRN!*^Thanks ^Bravesurf

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

Using recycled material, I've made the kids a stuffed dog for Christmas.

It used to be their real dog.

I bought a book about materialism.

It wasn't worth it.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

So this dude rubs a lamp and a genie pops out

The genie tells the man he will grant him a wish for setting him free. The man says "Ya know Gene, I love riding motorcycles. Love it more than life itself. I would love to travel across the entire world on my motorcycle, but I'm terrified of boats. Can you make a massive highway, that connects ...

Where does Trump get his materials for the wall?

WallMart

NASA says they've found organic material on Mars...

...but they're probably just putting 'organic ' on the label so they can mark up the prices by 200%

My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

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Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

My professor just told me that rereading other peoples material is the key to success

I guess thats why there are 17.1M people on /r/Jokes

Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.

From the Confessions page of MIT-Boston (ROFL Material)

#8132
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my b.f seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat an...

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they say penis size is related to shoe size...

that makes the fear of clowns even worse.

**Edit** Ten hours in, this is my highest rated post ever! happy I found a place where im appreciated. ill come back with more material! :D

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

Why should stone masons not be given a lot of money/materials to work with?

They take too much for granite

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I looked through my son's internet history and found out that we masturbate to the same material.

His girlfriend's Facebook photos.

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

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Trump Just Announced: Free Materials Sourced for the Border Wall

"It was all a part of my plan, you see," he began. "I knew if I were to win, which I knew I would, it would be yuuuuge.

"When I won, half the population shit a brick.

"The bricks are already starting to dry. We're ahead of schedule. Way ahead. Bigly ahead.

"And, with all thes...

What does the blacksmith say when his materials are on sale?

"What a steel!"

What material should you never use to create or build with?

Tin that was mined by moles. Anything you make with it melts immediately.

British scientists have created a new high-tech material that reaches peak performance around 5pm

They called it Tea-timeum.

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A different view of Three Little Pigs

A teacher was reading the story of the Three Little Pigs to her class. She came to the part of the story where first pig was trying to gather the building materials for his home.

She read "and so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:
'Pardon me s...

I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped

It seems like there will never be a half life 3

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A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

What do you say to the tailor who’s had the same suit hanging in his window for 25 years?

You need new material

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

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Lindsey Graham gets new suit

On a Senate trip to Japan, Lindsey Graham picked up some silk to have a custom suit made. At a top notch tailor shop in South Carolina, the tailor said with the material, he could make a single breasted suit.

Graham decided to wait, took the material to a tailor in New York who told him he c...

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

They say the sea is a harsh mistress.

But I show up for boot camp in assless chaps and suddenly I'm "not US Navy material?"

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

I heard in the news that thay've found harmful materials in cosmetics and childrens crayons, but in the defense of the big corporations...

They're doing asbestos they can.

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

Stats joke..

Three professors (a physicist, a chemist, and a statistician) are called in to see their dean. Just as they arrive the dean is called out of his office, leaving the three professors there. The professors see with alarm that there is a fire in the wastebasket.

The physicist says, "I know what ...

The successful entrepreneur was constantly in demand for after-dinner speeches and could never find the time to prepare his own material.

His assistant always wrote the speech. It was at the annual conference that he was called upon to give encouragement to small businesses.
After the meal, the entrepreneur stood up to address the audience. "Ladies and gentleman. There are three main areas of tension in today's small businesses. T...

When a guy describes himself as an alpha, I often think that's a pretty accurate description...

Because after all, alpha is slow, heavy and really bad at penetrating biological material.

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