Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

What's it called when you try to appear PC by conspicuously including little people in your company's ad material

Tolkienism

What's Mario's favourite material?

Denim denim denim!

Do you have a favorite material? Mines Limestone...

But a lot of people take it for granite

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

My cow saves every scap of usable material.

He's recyclebull

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

Three contractors bid to fix a fence at 10 Downing Street...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at 10 Downing Street. One is from up North another is from Poland, and the third is a Tory Party Donor. All three go with a Tory Party official to examine the fence.

The contractor from up north takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

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One day a teacher was reading the story of the three little pigs to her class

She came to the part of the story where the first pig was trying to accumulate the building material for his home.

She read, “. . . And so the pig went up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said, ‘Pardon me sir, but may i have some of that straw to build a house?’”

The t...

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What material did Mario use to make his Halloween costume?

Denim denim denim

I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped

It seems like there will never be a half life 3

An Arab guy walks into a bra store

owned by a Jewish guy on a Sunday afternoon. The Arab guy finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure I'll buy 100." T...

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

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A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

A man was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask

Man - Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?

Doctor- If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best.

Man- What would be the worst things to use?

Doctor- Obviously anything that would smother you for example, ...

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For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

r/jokes is the most environment-friendly sub on Reddit

It is made of 97% recycled material.

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment.

Their front page is made of 100% recycled material.

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

What material makes up 12 eggs?

Dozen matter.

What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of?

Yawn

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are asked by an official for quotes to paint the fences of Buckingham Palace.

The Englishman takes out a measuring tape and calculator, makes some notes and reports back to the man, “I’ll do it for £800. £200 for materials, £400 for the team and £200 profit for me.”

The Irishman looks at the house, looks at the Englishman, and says, “I can do it for £700...£200 for mat...

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

A navy officer on a submarine was doing his rounds and noticed something odd...

There was what looked like a frying pan handle sticking out of the floor of the sub! The officer did some more looking around, and saw more strange things sticking out of the floor: golf clubs, clothes irons, car bumpers, and even half a bicycle!

Alarmed by this, he went up to the sub command...

Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”

Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!”

Teacher : “Okay what else?”

Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away?

He was viewing graphic material

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The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

NSFW While I was sitting in the bar one night drinking alone

A stunner of a woman walked up to the bar sat down right next to me. A booty to die for and rack that hadn’t fallen yet, I couldn’t help taking a glance at her. She smiled back at me, and not in an unkindly way.

I asked if I could buy her the next drink. She accepted. We started talking. She ...

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

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"Oh, no!" he gasped as he surveyed the disaster before him.

Never in his 40 years of life had he seen anything like it. How anyone could have survived he did not know. He could only hope that somewhere amid the overwhelming destruction he would find his 12-year-old son. Only the slim hope of finding Danny kept him from turning and fleeing the scene.

...

Using recycled material, I've made the kids a stuffed dog for Christmas.

It used to be their real dog.

Recycled joke material is more harmful than cigarettes

I've seen the laughter of an entire audience die out from second-hand joke.

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

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A school teacher, a police officer, and a hedge fund founder are trapped on a deserted island.

After scavenging for days with little success, they come across a magical lamp. The officer decides to give it a quick rub and out pops a genie.

"Hello, I am here to grant each of you an imperishable supply of food and water as you await your rescue. Be warned, it can only be consumed only ...

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

Why should stone masons not be given a lot of money/materials to work with?

They take too much for granite

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A lady walks into a luxury car dealership

A lady walks into a luxury car dealership. She browses around, spots the Top-of-the-line BMW and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to feel the fine leather upholstery, she inadvertently breaks Wind. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her little accide...

You probably haven’t heard this one before. Translated from another language.

A man had a damaged main door and needed it to be replaced. When he called the carpenter, he said that he would be there in the evening. On arriving in the evening, the carpenter judged the size of the door, material, etc. and told the man that it would take two to three days. Unable to keep his tho...

My professor just told me that rereading other peoples material is the key to success

I guess thats why there are 17.1M people on /r/Jokes

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

Donald Trump's COVID test was the first thing he got a positive score on

And even then, he didn't understand the material

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

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Looking for some jokes to cheer up my Grandmother

My grandfather recently passed away and I’ve became my grandmothers carer. She loves a good joke here and there however I’m quickly running out of material. Some examples of what she likes are..

‘A man walks into the doctors and says doctor doctor I have 5 penises. Blimey says the doctor, how...

How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

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A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

Hey, do you know where the best place in d&d 5e to hear stand-up comedy would be?

The Prime Material plane

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

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I looked through my son's internet history and found out that we masturbate to the same material.

His girlfriend's Facebook photos.

We are proud to announce that r/Jokes is now completely environmentally friendly sub

It's wholly made of recycled materials.

What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

A rabbi, a Hindu priest, and a politician went on a hike

Night fell and they were exhausted. The hotel on the map was nowhere to be seen.

They knocked on the door of a farm and asked if they could spend the night.

The farmer said, “Of course, but I only have a small room with two beds. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”

The H...

Candles

"So, what's special about this candle?"

"Sir, this candle is made of a very enriched burning material, it will therefore, once lit, last several days before it is burned out. Do you understand?"

"Yeah, makes sense. And what about this one?"

"This candle is special because there ...

Where does Trump get his materials for the wall?

WallMart

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does Greta Thunberg like r/jokes so much?

We recycle our material every fucking day.

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

A different game of thrones

Long ago a then famous reporter of the times traveled to a little known kingdom deep in the heart of Africa, accompanied by translators and bearers of course. It was not very technologically advanced, with no plumbing and clay and stray being the primary building materials.

Upon arrival he w...

LPT: The key to job security is not just cultivating a strong relationship with your boss, but your boss' boss as well. Having constant open dialogue, strengthening trust, and exhibiting vulnerability is key especially during periods of layoffs...

That way over time you'll hopefully build up enough black mail material to against them in case they ever want to fire you.

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

British scientists have created a new high-tech material that reaches peak performance around 5pm

They called it Tea-timeum.

What is a rare material in the bee community?

Hiveory

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is sitting alone at home, when suddenly there’s a knock at his door ...

Standing at the door is a door to door salesman.

Man: Whatever you’re selling, I’m not interested.

Salesman: But what I’m selling is very interesting. I’m a purveyor of luxury prosthetics. Allow me to demonstrate.

And he raises the right leg of his pants. His leg is solid gold!...

What does the blacksmith say when his materials are on sale?

"What a steel!"

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

I bought a book about materialism.

It wasn't worth it.

Here is the one from the book about the doctor and the trump (not the president)

It happened that the doctor and the tramp (not all tramps are poor) bought a piece of land opposite to each other. They started to build their houses and the tramp liked the brick that the doctor used so he bought the same. After the tramp put in the windows and the doors, the doctor liked those too...

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

When hiking near bears...

...you should always wear a bell around your neck and carry a can of extra strength pepper spray.

To figure out what type of bears are near your trail, you can examine their droppings.

Black bear droppings are a dark colour and may contain plant material.

Grizzly bear droppings...

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

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Trump Just Announced: Free Materials Sourced for the Border Wall

"It was all a part of my plan, you see," he began. "I knew if I were to win, which I knew I would, it would be yuuuuge.

"When I won, half the population shit a brick.

"The bricks are already starting to dry. We're ahead of schedule. Way ahead. Bigly ahead.

"And, with all thes...

Truly management material

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

The Ivory Throne of the King of Timbuktu

Hundreds of years ago, when glorious Timbuktu was nothing more than a large collection of grass huts, the King of that great city declared his wish for a throne fit for such a mighty ruler. Of ivory it was to be, exquisitely carved, inlaid with gold leaf, decorated with diamonds and emeralds and sap...

A man walking in the Beach sees a lamp and out of curiosity, starts wiping it.

After wiping it and cleaning it. A gene comes comes. He looks at the sky and greets the person who was cleaning the lamp.

Hello there. I may grant you one wish.
The man says, what happens to three.
The gene says, one is all you get.

The man thinks hard Says.
My family...

So, this dude was walking down a beach and kicked a lamp, and a magic genie pops out.

The genie gives him the old "you freed me, so I will grant you a wish" thing that genies do. So the guy says "I love riding my motorcycle. I would love to ride it around the world. Can you build a highway that connects the entire world together?" The genie pauses for a moment, and with a look of...

NASA says they've found organic material on Mars...

...but they're probably just putting 'organic ' on the label so they can mark up the prices by 200%

What's a pirates favorite material?

~~Arrrgyle~~*YARRRN!*^Thanks ^Bravesurf

From the Confessions page of MIT-Boston (ROFL Material)

#8132
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my b.f seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat an...

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Three women who were friends in high school have returned to their hometown to attend their 45th reunion and have lunch together. Their talk turns to their position in life, and there's a lot of one-upmanship going on.

The first woman says, "My husband is taking me to the French Riviera for two weeks," and then looks at the others with a superior demeanour.

The second woman says, "Well, my husband just bought me a new Mercedes." and looks about with considerable pride.

The third woman says, "Well, to...

Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

A Doctor was addressing a large audience in Tampa .

'The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Soft drinks corrode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG.

High fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in...

Englishman, Irishman and a Scotsman go for a interview to join the Royal marines. As a test, the interviewer says to the Englishman "Here's a gun, your wife is in the next room, I want you to go in and shoot her."

The Englishman is obviously disgusted at the thought, so he gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Next up is the Scotsman. He's told the same and he reacts the same, gets up, gets his wife and leaves.

Finally its the irishmans turn. He's offered the gun, to shoot his wife to prove he's ...

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