A comedian was telling jokes about Putin. The material was not very good but

the execution was great.

When You Realize You are Material for a Jeff Foxworthy Special

If you spend your entire Christmas gift budget at a Tractor Supply...

You might be a redneck.

Material Guy

A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying “Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!”

The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.

The guy looks down where his arm used to be ...

Apple should be commended for using recycled materials in their products. Recycled plastics, recycled aluminum...

...even their phone designs are recycled

A mathematician is asked to build a fence around a flock of sheep using the least amount of materials possible.

So he builds a fence around himself and then defines himself as outside.

Students at M.I.T. recently developed a new contender for the blackest material known to man...

Scientists attempted to demonstrate it in public, but it was immediately shot by the police.

I just came up with this, this community can always use fresh/not reposted material.

I accidentally knocked over a headstone while walking through a cemetery.

I’ve made a grave mistake.

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

Globally over 99% of asphalt is recycled. It is the second most recycled material in the world, after jokes on reddit

One good thing of the whole war...

...Russia will continue being James Bond story material.

Reddit has gone fully green to help the environment

Their front page is made up of fully recycled material.

"Hey, that's a cool looking Olympic medal. How did you win it? Where did you win it? What material is it made from?"

"Iran."

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.

An amish man, a hippie and jesus walk into a bar.
An old man at the bar turns to them and surprised, he asks: “Why is it that three men that are so different from each other travelling together?”
The Hippie says “I want to learn the ways of the amish to be freed from materialism.”
The...

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What kind of Bees produce milk?

There is no creature for which this is more true than the honey bee. Amazingly, queen bees are genetically exactly identical to worker bees. But they’re fed a different diet from worker bees their whole lives, from the time they are tiny larvae, until the day they die. This different meal plan cause...

The European Union is proposing to build a public toilet in Brussels.

They put the job out to tender. They get in 3 responses.


First in is Hans from Germany. He gets straight to the point. "I'll build it for €30,000."
The Eurocrat behind the desk looks up from his note pad. "Can you give us some more detail, Hans?"
"Ja! €10,000 labour, €10,000 m...

What's it called when you try to appear PC by conspicuously including little people in your company's ad material

Tolkienism

I started worrying that my jokes are painfully outdated..

I felt discouraged and despondent when I realized my material doesn't resonate with young people today. I'm in a topical depression.

Do you have a favorite material? Mines Limestone...

But a lot of people take it for granite

An engineer, a physicist and a mathematicians have to build a fence around a flock of sheep, using as little material as possible.

The engineer forms the flock into a circular shape and constructs a fence around it.

The physicist builds a fence with an infinite diameter and pulls it together until it fits around the flock.

The mathematicians thinks for a while, then builds a fence around himself and defines hims...

Kurdish cunieform tablets

In ancient Kurdistan, they didn’t have the material to make the cuneiform tablets they did down by the rivers in the Fertile Crescent, so they had to carve important documents into stone tablets.

That included contracts and treaties. There could be multiple “signatories.” For an invoice, for ...

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Julia was organizing a cat show

Julia was organizing a cat show and needed a trophy for the first prize. So she contacted a sculptor to create a trophy that resembled a beautiful persian cat.

Julia and the sculptor got together to discuss the plans for this trophy. She wanted the base to be made of the finest white marble w...

A lesson from my life as a monk

I learned a lot during my years at the monastery. One thing I still remember is that our vow of poverty meant that we were expected to go to great lengths to look after our one robe, including mending and from time to time dying them to their regulation dark hue.

One thing that surprised me ...

Scientists are working on new solar energy panels.

They want a material that absorbs and releases the most radiating heat. The consensus is car seats.

3 scientists a boat driver and a crocodile are in a dingy

A material scientist, a biologist, a physicist, and a boat driver are in dingy in the middle of a river with a crocodile in a cage.

The boat driver is nervous and is worried the crocodile might brake out of the cage and eat them all.

The material scientist says he doesn’t need to worry...

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TIL that McDonald's and police use the same training material.

It's a 5 step de-escalation procedure. You know, a kind that some corporate HR would come up. Ones with corny, forced acronyms. But this one actually works pretty well:

1. Believe
2. Listen
3. Apologize
4. Satisfy
5. Thank the customer

So when a customer gets all pissy abou...

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Hillary's emails would make the perfect construction material for building the great Trump Wall...

Since no one can get the fuck over them.

I created a poll to see if people preferred pillows stuffed with bird feathers or pillows stuffed with synthetic material.

Synthetic material didn't win. Too many down votes.

What material should you avoid using because it will make clothing too light?

fiber optics

My cow saves every scap of usable material.

He's recyclebull

The Council want a new monument built in a park and put the job out to tender, they get 3 offers ...

The council officer calls in the first tender, who offers to do the job for £3k, when asked about the breakdown the council are advised 'It's 1K for me 1K for my crew and 1K for materials.

The second tender then comes in and offers to do the job for £6k, advising It's 2k for me, 2k for my cre...

An Arab walks into a bra store owned by Jewish guy.

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 100." The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop ...

We need to stop arguing over Creationism vs. Evolution...

Both sides can certainly agree that the material on r/jokes is of very ancient origin.

I work as a comedian in China, and the authorities are always vetting my material.

>!everythIng is Always Moderated wIthiN a Justified mAnner, precIse and Legitimate. !<

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A bear and a rabbit are arguing in the forest...

The genie is quite sick of hearing them so he decides to do something about it.

"Gentlemen!" He exclaims, popping up between them in a puff of sparkly blue smoke, "You are clearly not happy. So, to mitigate this, I shall grant each of you three wishes!"

"OH! OH! I shall go first!" The ...

I was doing a lab on nuclear decay and at first it worked like expected, but when 3/4 of the material had decayed it suddenly stopped

It seems like there will never be a half life 3

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My anatomy class is currently covering the skeletal system and my professor is being unreasonable with the amount of material we need to know so I made an office hour appointment to speak with him.

You can bet your ass I have a bone to pick with him.

What material did Mario use to make his Halloween costume?

Denim denim denim

A man reaches a river, and ponders how to cross.

He looks out, and sees that the river is far too wide to swim, lest he tire and drown. He would have tried making a raft, but there were no trees in sight, nor any other manner of building material. Stumped but determined, he decided to follow the river until he reached a point where the river narro...

Teacher : “Alright who can name a flammable material?”

Jewish Kid : “ME! ME! ME!”

Teacher : “Okay what else?”

A man finds some copper and zinc

A man is out walking one day when he finds some copper and zinc, knowing these are used to make coins he takes them to the government to see what he can get.

There he sits down with a representative of the US mint and says I have here half a grain of copper and 30 grains of zinc, how many ...

What do you call bags of cocaine materials?

A crackoon.

The fence builder hates getting emails about his materials.

He's tired of seeing Re: Posts

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

Anatomy lesson gone wrong

One day at an all-girl school, an elderly anatomy teacher was reviewing with his students for a test. He turns to one student and says "Karen, what part of the body can grow up to six times its size, and under what conditions does this occur?"

Karen, aghast, starts screaming "How dare you ask...

What material makes up 12 eggs?

Dozen matter.

MBBS Professor: The Sperm is made up of Glucose, the same material Sugar is made of. [nsfw]

A Girl raised her hand: "Then why doesn't it taste like Sugar?"

Whole class went silent.

Girl: “Oops”

Professor : “My dear, that might be because, the taste buds are located on the tip of your Tongue and not at the end of your throat”

I heard recently they'd made a new material out of lemons and tea leaves

They're calling it the Arnold Polymer

The wizard materialized on the hill above the outdoor festival and proclaimed, “All shall be vanquished.... except those in temporary shelters supported by a pole, and fully aquatic animals with spade-shaped teeth!”

The area was safe for all in tents and porpoises.

A man was talking with a doctor about the best material for a homemade mask

Man - Doc, what is the best material to use for a homemade mask?

Doctor- If you must make one at hone I’d recommend an old shirt. Although buying a N95 would be the best.

Man- What would be the worst things to use?

Doctor- Obviously anything that would smother you for example, ...

I feel bad for modern mattress materials.

I'm sure there are things that even memory foam would like to forget.

Scientists discovered a revolutionary material with infinite length and zero depth

... but then they realized No Man's Sky was invented already.

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Shopping at Tiffany’s

A lady walks into Tiffany’s, looks around, spots a beautiful diamond necklace and walks over to inspect it. As she bends over to look more closely at it, she unexpectedly farts.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little whoops and prays that a salesman wasn’...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

What's the most useful material?

Scratch. You can make anything from scratch.

What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of?

Yawn

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I went to the library to see if they had any informational materials on how to masterbate.

The female librarian said no.

This gave me no JOI.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For my first cake day I want to share a joke my dad told me when I was probably too young to really understand it. How does an elephant hide in the jungle?

Climbs to the top of a cherry tree and paints his balls red.

What’s the loudest sound in the jungle?

Giraffes eating cherries!

(Apologies if you’ve heard it before fellow Redditors! Maybe by next cake day I’ll get better material)

A small town in Ireland solicits bids to build a fountain in the town square. Three builders respond.

The town clerk schedules all three interviews for the same day. The builders arrive and are escorted into the clerk's office. There's a builder from Galway, a builder from Mayo, and finally Casey, a master builder from County Cork.

The first to be interviewed is the builder from Galway. "How ...

How many grams of material are needed to summon satan?

5, all you need is a pentagram

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

The Robot Family.

It's a big night for XR-573, the patriarch of the robot family. Not only are all three of his sons going to be over for dinner for the first time in years, but all three of them have brand new fiancées! XR-573 and his wife Z7-271 are both very excited to see their children and learn all about their ...

Recycled joke material is more harmful than cigarettes

I've seen the laughter of an entire audience die out from second-hand joke.

Why should stone masons not be given a lot of money/materials to work with?

They take too much for granite

I was trying to expose the cement company for using cheap materials

But I couldn't find any concrete evidence

One day a man decided to retire. He booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank...

He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.

After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.

In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How d...

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One of the Saddest Stories I’ve Ever Heard

The HighSchool Girls National diving team’s plane crashed into the ocean, and they washed up on a deserted island.

Physically, the few survivors were unharmed, but as the days past, their minds began to crack as they realized that they had not the tools, knowledge, or materials to build a wor...

The government is asking for bids for a new stretch of highway....

Company from Kentucky proposes a bid for $1M. Says $600K for labor, $300K for material and $100K profit.

Company from Ohio proposes a bid for $2M. Says $1.2M for labor, $600K for material and $200K profit.

Company from Chicago proposes a bid for $5M with no explanation or breakdown o...

Materialism

A Wall Street broker parked his brand new Lamborghini on the street at the front of his office so that all of his coworkers could see it and envy him. As he was opening the door, a cab flew by, clipped the door, and then kept going. The broker sat there for a moment in shock, staring through his w...

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A research scientist today held a press conference to reveal a revolutionary new bra material that eliminates breast jiggling and nipple protrusion

At the conclusion of his press conference the assembled newsmen dragged him outside and kicked the shit out of him

I thought my wife was going on a Belgium holiday to buy chocolates. When she got back, I found out she’d actually been on holiday in Paris buying curtain materials.

It was a fabrication.

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Governor Abbot wants to build a border wall with Mexico...

So, after a period of bidding, his team shortlists a few contractors and bring them for an interview with the Governor...


First, a Mexican contractor shows up:

\- Hi, I'm going to charge 1 million dollars for each mile of wall.
\- And how come it's going to be so cheap? ...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

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A well-renown, high-powered lawyer was just in a horrific car accident.

He was side-swiped, ripping the driver's side door completely off.

A police officer, who happened to be there, ran straight to the man. He found the him sitting on the ground against the wreck angrily swearing and yelling.

Officer: (Relieved the man is well enough to be yelling): "You...

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

How do you handle hazardous materials?

Asbestos you can

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[NSFW] Little Johnny

The first grade teacher was reading the story of “The Three Little Pigs” to her class and came to the part of the story where the first little pig was trying to get building materials for his house.
She read: “And so the little pig when up to the man with the wheelbarrow full of straw and said:<...

We shouldn't be too hard on people who use toxic building materials.

They did asbestos they could.

What's a Russian's favorite clothing material?

Lenin

Dave, Einstein, and the bus driver get together to write OC for this sub and they send me the material to proof. My response is always the same though.

Already Reddit.

Where does Trump get his materials for the wall?

WallMart

Why do you need to carry radioactive materials in sealed, lead containers?

To stop it from falling out.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I looked through my son's internet history and found out that we masturbate to the same material.

His girlfriend's Facebook photos.

If I gather my material, wood you like to hear a joke?

I sure wood, but it's steel hard to come up with one.

It's 3 am. Just smoked a fatty. Just trying to make up new material with my parrot. I think i just thought of a good one but I may just be...

Too stoned with one bird.

What kind of material is Super Mario's pants made out of???

A: Denim Denim Denim.

(Said with the voice inflection of the music for when he goes underground)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man went to the doctor to inquire about options for penis enlargement...

"Doc," he said, "you've got to help me. My penis is miniscule. It always has been. The other boys used to make fun of me in the locker room, girls I dated would laugh at me as soon as we got to the bedroom... I experienced nothing but humiliation my whole life, until I met my wife, god bless her. Sh...

I bought a book about materialism.

It wasn't worth it.

no Idea why they arrested me...

I just read the sign and complied...

it said:

NO campaign materials or **clothing** allowed in polling place.

What material are the Pink Panther's jeans made out of?

Denim Deniiiiiiiimmmmmm

My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

A catholic choir is composing their own material.

“Sweet Gsus, but I think what we need here is A minor.”

Trump reportedly asked to be added to Mount Rushmore

Turns out granite isn't a dense enough material to represent him

What is a rare material in the bee community?

Hiveory

What does the blacksmith say when his materials are on sale?

"What a steel!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trump Just Announced: Free Materials Sourced for the Border Wall

"It was all a part of my plan, you see," he began. "I knew if I were to win, which I knew I would, it would be yuuuuge.

"When I won, half the population shit a brick.

"The bricks are already starting to dry. We're ahead of schedule. Way ahead. Bigly ahead.

"And, with all thes...

There was a material election, and glass, wood, and plastic were the candidates.

Glass was becoming the clear winner.

Why did the Calculus Teacher take the student's calculator away?

He was viewing graphic material

If i wrote comic books about standup comedy using my own material

I would be a comic comic comic.

NSFW While I was sitting in the bar one night drinking alone

A stunner of a woman walked up to the bar sat down right next to me. A booty to die for and rack that hadn’t fallen yet, I couldn’t help taking a glance at her. She smiled back at me, and not in an unkindly way.

I asked if I could buy her the next drink. She accepted. We started talking. She ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The worst joke in the world

WW3 breaks out and the President authorizes use of the most powerful weapon ever made, a joke so bad it causes instant death to the listener. The problem is, it was said to be developed in revolutionary times by British expats and nobody could remember where it has been stashed away.

To find...

Truly management material

To surprise her husband, an executive's wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.

Without hesitating, he dictated, "And in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just...

From the Confessions page of MIT-Boston (ROFL Material)

#8132
During lunch at work last week, I ate 3 plates of beans (which I know I shouldn't). When I got home, my b.f seemed excited to see me and exclaimed delightedly: "Darling I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded me and led me to my chair at the dinner table. I took a seat an...

What's a pirates favorite material?

~~Arrrgyle~~*YARRRN!*^Thanks ^Bravesurf

NASA says they've found organic material on Mars...

...but they're probably just putting 'organic ' on the label so they can mark up the prices by 200%

My friend is trying to convince me to replace all my skin with a plush brown material

But I won't be suede

Why did the Mechanical Engineer stop studying material science?

They just couldn't handle the stress.

A new standup comic attends his first convention

He's overwhelmed by it all and asks someone for help.

"Don't worry, kid," a veteran comic says. "This is basically a place to test out your material. Watch."

A comic gets up on stage and announces, "Number 876!" He gets a mild reaction from the crowd.

"Number 521!" the comic c...

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