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My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

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I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.

God knows what they were doing in my mash potatoes though.

When I was young, Dad found a lump and Mum had to have her breast removed.

That man took his mashed potatoes very seriously, let me tell you.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

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My doctor was checking my balls for lumps the other day.

It got quite awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair

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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

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A woman flashed her tits at me today....

I just sat there and giggled like a school boy.



Then she said to me " will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor."

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

[NSFW] So I'm getting a testicular exam, and he notices a lump.

I ask if it's something serious and he says to me "It seems like it, but you might want to have it checked by a professional."

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Why is having sex with a lump of bronze considered incestuous?

Because you're still fucking a CuSn

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Do farts have lumps in them?

The preschool teacher says, "We're going to do vocabulary today. Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

Mary raises her hand and exclaims, "Me me me!"

The teacher says, "Go ahead, what's the sentence?

Mary replies, "The sky is definitely blue."

"That's good, Ma...

So I was driving down the road one day, and somebody threw a lump of cheese at me...

and I thought to myself, that's not very mature...

Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...

Turns out it was her belt buckle.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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A turkey was chatting with a bull "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."

"Well, why don't you nibble on my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next say, after eating more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally, ...

Every president has a secret service codename.

The current president is “Mogul”. I looked it up.
Mogul: a member of the Muslim dynasty of Mongol origin
Nope, that can’t be it, unless he’s a total self-hater. Try alternate definition:
Mogul: In downhill skiing, an ice-cold lump; an extremely dense obstacle to human progress, a destabil...

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Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence?

Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence...
Students:...

**Student A:** The Grass is DEFINITELY green!
**Teacher:** Well, not exactly. There’s blue grass, and when the grass gets burnt it turns brown. So, try again.


**Student B:** The Sky is DEFINITELY ...

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father.

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father. One day, he says to his mother:

Son: Mom, did my father have a genetic disorder that causes him to have a lump on his back

Mother: Why would you think that?

Son: I just have a hunch.

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

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Little Johnny went to school one day...

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.

The first little girl raised her hand and said, "The trees are definitely green."

The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in t...

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any ab...

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

A mother walks into her son's room

Upon opening the door she sees her son eating some of his toys. Freaking out she scoops him up and rushes to the emergency room and demands them run all sorts of tests on him. Finally after receiving dozens of tests they finally get to sit down with a doctor.

"Is my son going to be okay?" The...

A pirate goes into a doctor's office.

He asks the doctor to inspect his back because he happened to find some lumps there. After careful examination, the doctor tells the pirate, "Don't worry. They're benign," to which the pirate replied, "Aargh, check them again. I reckon there at least be ten."

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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

What’s the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

Quasimodo finally retired from his job today...

He left with a lump sum and 30 years back pay.

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching spelling and grammar to her class. She notices one boy is playing a video game and not paying attention.

​

She asks him why he is not paying attention.

​

He replies that he already knows everything she is teachi...

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A hobo wakes up and finds a crisp $20

...on his back

He heads over to the local pub and buys a bottle of cheap tequila.

Walks around town, drink in hand, having a good time.

Later, he passed out drunk in the middle of a park.

A homo finds him, and smirks. He drags the hobo to the alley and rapes him. After, ...

A camel Goes into the coffee shop

The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"

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Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

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A teacher asks her 1st grade class to make a sentence with the word "definitely" in it...

Little Suzy stands up and says "the sky is definitely blue!"
"No," the teacher replies. "It depends on the weather, the sky can be gray and at night its black."
Another student stands up and says "trees are definitely green!"
The teacher replies "no, during autumn the leaves change color."...

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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching her English class and calls on her students to use the word of the day in a correct sentence.


"Today's word is *definitely*. Suzy, can you use the word *definitely in a sentence?"


"The sky is definitely blue" responds Suzy.


"Actuall...

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Two bums are walking down the train tracks...

So two bums are walking alongside the train tracks when after a couple of miles one bum says to the other, " *sniff sniff * Damnit, Ed, did you shit your pants?"

Ed stops, and says "No Tom, No I did not." And both bums kept walking. After another mile or two Tom stops again and says "God da...

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

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A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him: "Listen, I felt a weird lump on one of my balls and all of a sudden it began tingling. Next day I wake up and I got a freakishly huge testicle and a regular one and I have no idea how it got like that."

Doctor: "Well, let's see it."

Guy: "No way,...

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Going to the Doctor

A man has been feeling a terrible aching feeling in his gut, and recently upon checking it in the shower, he thought he felt a lump! So the man immediately schedules an appointment to go to the doctor's. The following week, at the doctor's office, the doctor inspects the area, and asks the man sever...

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A Vietnam veteran come back home after his tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. His dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck that...

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I took my son to see a doctor.

He sat there, embarrassed, so I spoke out for him.

"My boy has a lump on his penis," I said. "He's rather worried."

"How big is it?" asked the doctor.

I said, "About three inches erect. But we're here for the lump."

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[long]A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely"...

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Gras...

A man laying carpet in an old lady's home.

When he's finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. "Damn it," he says to himself. "I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, I'll whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out." So he ...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

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Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal.

As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.

''Oh yes please!" the armless man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir."

But as Bob unzips the man, and pulls...

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A teacher walks into a classroom...

She gets up to the chalkboard and tells the kids to shut up and they will be learning a new word today. "The word is definitely, now may I hear it used correctly in a sentence?"
A little boy raises his hand. "Yes bobby?"
"The sky is definitely blue!" The boy says.
"No, that is wrong, the s...

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When I was a young boy, I saved my parish priest's life…

I spotted a lump on his testicle.

Doctor's Discussion

Two surgeons are conferring in the hospital corridor outside a patient's room...

"We found a large lump in his wallet but I think we got it all."

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Bruce is driving over a bridge.

Bruce is driving over a bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “Good-bye, Bruce. You got me pregnant and now I...

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A man wants to join the Big Dick Club...

... And heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame.

On the way out, he runs into the janitor, wh...

A man Is wandering in the desert

He is lost with no food or water, and is starving. He assumes quite rightly that he is going to die.
However just then he sees a church off in the distance. He sprints for it and inside he gets down on his knees and prays for food. *PLOP* A lump of meat appears before him.
He wolfs the food ...

I asked Santa for a new energy policy...

...but all I got in my stocking was a lump of coal. :-(

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Penis Problem

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute.

A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until...

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breas...

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[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

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Little Johnny joke

Teacher was going over words in class, and asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny was squirming, so he called out, "Teacher, I need to go take a shit!" She told him to sit down. "You can't go to the bathroom until you have used definitely in a sentence."

He thought...

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Bob goes to the doctor with a bump on his forehead.

He says to the doctor, "I got this red lump. What do you think?"
The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted.
"Bob this is incredible..."
"What is it?! Am I going to be okay?"
"It's like a ufo. I've only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazin...

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Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

BLOND DOG

Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
A: He's been chasing parked cars.

This construction worker was laying a full room carpet in this house...

... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.

He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and in...

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A Hot blonde walks into a doctor's office, and the doctor decided to have a little fun.

"I'm going to have to give you a full examination." He says to the hot blonde.

He instructs her to take off her shirt and bra and he begins to grope her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks her. "Yes," she replies, "You're checking for lumps."

He instructs her to remove her u...

A devout peasant in the dark ages...

Has a starving family, so goes to the church to pray. "Oh, please lord, oh great one, in your benevolence provide my family with sustenance".A lump of meat falls from the heavens and lands at his feet. The next week they are starving again, so the peasant goes back to the church, kneels and bows his...

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Fresh prince of Bel air UK version.

South-east England born and raised

On reality TV spending most of my days

Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool

And being disgusting, Fuck the gene pool

When a couple of cells

Who were up to no good

Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood

I ...

A tale of two camels

Buddy of mine works at the local zoo. He's usually taking care of the camel they have there they call Sir Hump. They had been noticing that he was looking mopey and depressed so they brought in a companion. This female camel was named Lady Lumps. Anyways, Hump was finally acting normal again and soo...

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Another golf joke

This guy meets his friend at a bar, and notices that his friend has a huge goose egg lump on his forehead. The guy asks what happened.

"Well," says the friend, "I took my wife golfing, and she was terrible. She kept hitting the ball way too hard. At one point she hit her ball into a nearby co...

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"Medical" examination

"Take off your clothes and lie down on the table" Said the Doctor. The young lady did as she was told reluctantly.
"I am just going to feel your breasts for lumps". He duly did and she let him.
"Now I am going to put on these gloves and just check your downstairs. I'll warn you, the gel is a ...

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Hoping to get lucky

I reached my hands round my wife in bed last night and started groping at her breasts.

"Ooh," she giggled. "Trying to get lucky, are you?"

"Sure am," I replied. "But I haven't found a lump yet."

A young bloke working in the mines...

A young bloke working in the mines in the Pilbara goes to see the onsite doctor with a little problem.

The doctor asks, "What's the trouble, son?"

The young bloke says, "Doc, I've got this weird lump under my foreskin."

"Right," says the doctor, "whip it out and let's have a loo...

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a 98 year old Jewish guy...

....wins a $250,000,000 lottery. He has to take the lump some, and knows he'll never spend it all, so he throws a huge party. Everyone from his Temple and everyone else he knows is there. He hands out scholarships that will last generations. He pays for great Grand children's weddings in advance. He...

A man saves up to buy a Ferrari

He's been saving every dime, every nickel, every dollar he can, and now he finally has enough to buy a brand new Ferrari in one lump sum. For fun, he decides to withdraw the full amount and pay for the car in cash.

He goes to the dealership, goes through all the paperwork, and gives them the ...

From the Peddy File...

JoAnne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs. Frantic, she asks the doctor what's going on.

"And I'm getting these lumps on my chest too," she cries.

"Now dear," smiles the old doctor, "there's nothing to worry about. You're entering puberty. Everyone gets hair down t...

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One fine lady

A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. he looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes your checking for any broken or ...

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When a beautiful woman...

walks into a gynecologists office, all of his expertise goes out the window. After she undresses and sits in the chair he begins to rub her thighs. "Do you know why I am doing this?" He asks her. "Yes, you are checking for any abrasions." She replies. He then begins to feel her breasts. "Do you know...

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Today's Word is "Definitely"

One day in a grade 3 classroom, the teacher was explaining the meaning of the word "definitely".

T: Alright class, let's use definitely in a sentence.
Jimmy raises his hand.
J: The sky is definitely blue.
T: Well Jimmy, sometimes the sky is orange, or black, or yellow...someone else?...

The apprentice lion tamer

The old lion tamer is retiring, and is training a replacement. He and the apprentice stand outside the lion cage.

Apprentice: "So, what if I'm in the cage and the lion starts getting aggressive?"

Lion tamer: "Well, you have to assert dominance. Stare him in the eyes to show him you're ...

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Vocabulary lesson

Every Tuesday Mrs. Smith teaches her third grade class a new vocabulary word. This weeks word is "definitely."

"Can any of you use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

A small hand goes up in the front of the class, and little Susie says, "The sky is definitely blue!"

"Close" r...

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Definitely

A kindergarten teacher was instructing her class on the meaning of the word "definitely". She began by asking the class to use it in a sentence, and she called out a boy in front first. "Dogs are definitely bigger than cats," he said. The teacher shook her head. "Lions and Tigers are cats too, a...

Is that dog poo?

A guy is walking down the street and sees a brown lump ahead. "Is that dog poo?" He thinks to himself.

He approaches it to examine if it is dog poo. "Well it looks like dog poo." He bends down and sniffs it. "Smells like dog poo." He grazes the substance with his finger. "Feels like dog poo."...