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Lump Jokes

Just found two lumps on my car battery

Got them tested, one came back positive.
I hope it's not terminal.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

Did you hear the joke about the two lumps?

It was cysterical

Grandma found a lump under her left breast, but the doctor said it was OK.

>!It was just her kneecap!<

A diamond is merely a lump of coal

that did well under pressure.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

A walkie-talkie invited a lump of coal to dinner and a movie.

Classic example of radio-carbon dating.

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A man walks into the doctor because he has a lump growing out of his forehead

The doctor says I’ve got some bad news for you. The man says, “please tell me it’s not cancer!”. The doctor says, “No it’s not cancer, you have a penis growing out of your forehead. The man says, “Oh I’m glad it’s not cancer. So now I’m going to have to wake up everyday and see a penis on my forehea...

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I found a lump, so my doctor friend suggested that I have one of my testicles removed.

He really takes his mashed potatoes extremely seriously.

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At the age of 91 we discovered two lumps in grandma's breasts

We were so relieved the doctors discovered it was just her knees

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman went to a gynecologist. The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress. After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh.

He asked her, “Do you know what I’m doing?”
“Yes,” she replied, “you’re checking for any abrasions or dermatological abnormalities.”
“That is right,” said the doctor.
He then began to fondle her breasts.
“Do you know what I’m doing now?” he asked.
“Yes,” the woman said, “you’re checki...

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One year for christmas I got a lump of coal from santa..

So, the next year I decided to poison the bastard.
Unfortunately, somehow.. he must have found out my plan.. Cause when I woke up the next day, he had killed my dad with the exact same poison I had used..
Learn from my mistake people.. Don't mess with santa

My grandma had a scare when she felt a lump under her breast

Turns out it was just her knee cap

Why do i have lumps on my balls?

wait this isn’t google

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A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word “definitely.” To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence.

The first student raises his hand and says, “The sky is definitely blue.”

The teacher says, “Well, that isn’t entirely correct, because sometimes it’s gray and cloudy.”

Another student says, “Grass is definitely green.”
The teacher again replies, “If grass doesn’t get enough wate...

A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

A lion trainer had the cats under such control, they could take a lump of sugar from her lips on command.

When a man sitting in the back row yelled - I can do that, the owner came and asked him to try.

The man replied - Certainly, but first, get those lions out of there.

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A barber walking on a beach finds a golden lump and decides to give it a rub.

A genie pops out, opens its mouth as though to speak, and then sees what the barber is holding.

"You can fuck right off," it says instead. "I'm not falling for that Reddit post title shit again."

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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

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Why is having sex with a lump of bronze considered incestuous?

Because you're still fucking a CuSn

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What do you call a delicious yellow lump of shit that swears all the time?

Cuss turd

Went for walk yesterday and a bloke threw a lump of cheese at me.

I thought to myself, well that's not very mature.

I recently learned that the large lump under my chin is actually an exotic parasite.

When I first noticed it, I wanted it gone immediately. But now I have to admit, it's grown on me quite a bit.

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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

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My doctor was checking my balls for lumps the other day.

It got quite awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

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I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.

God knows what they were doing in my mash potatoes though.

I’m looking for jokes that you have to work out. My favourite is the one in the below, which was posted here by another user. Does anyone else have any similar ones that you have to think about before finding the funny?

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

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Second grade teacher asks her class to use the word "definitely" in a sentence

Little Johnny raises his hand. The teacher calls on him. He asks "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher says, "Johnny, that's not a response to the question I asked."

Johnny repeats, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?"

The teacher gives in and says, "No - fart...

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

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A $200 vagina?

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Jim accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bob's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Jim upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the ...

The City Health inspector walks into a new restaurant unannounced and takes a seat where he can see the kitchen. While he is sitting there, an order goes back for a pizza. The chef appears and the health inspector nearly chokes when he sees that he is not wearing a shirt.

As if the health inspector didn't already have enough fuel for his citation-writing pen, the chef proceeded to grab a lump of pizza dough and press it out flat on his bare chest.
Appalled, the health inspector had barely finished up when an order came back for a hamburger.
The cook proceeded t...

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

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Retiring from the British Army can be complicated. (Long)

Lt. Colonel Robert Maclaren retired from the British Army in 2001 after a long fulfilling career. On the day that he retired he received a letter from the Personnel Department of the Ministry of Defence setting out details of his pension and, in particular, the tax-free ‘lump sum’ award, (based upon...

What's the definition of a surprise?

A fart with a lump in it.

The Energy Crisis is so real…

… People want a lump of coal in their stocking.

This Christmas...

Naughty children will be given £1 coins instead of an expensive lump of coal.

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It’s been a long week in the greengrocers ….

It’s been a long week in the greengrocers but it finally gets to Friday night and three best mates - a lemon, a potato and a pea - decide to have a couple of beers after work, as so often happens, soon they’re on a full on pub crawl...

They have a great night, hitting pub after pub , knocki...

Carpet fitters

An attractive lady hires two carpet fitters to replace the carpet in her sitting room after her pet parrot had made a terrible mess of the old carpet.
The two carpet fitters were stereotypical blue collar workers but had enough respect not to make any lewd jokes or double entendre at her expense...

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A woman flashed her tits at me today....

I just sat there and giggled like a school boy.



Then she said to me " will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor."

My partner was afraid that I was cheating, which I wasn’t.

She came to me one evening, very serious. I knew something was going on. She asked, in that tone that instantly puts a lump in your throat, “I suspect you’ve been unfaithful. Do you have a sec to talk?”

I wanted her to know she has my full attention, so I replied, “I have a lot of secs!”
<...

A man who has just finished installing a carpet into a house decides to have a smoke.

He reaches into his pocket for his pack of cigarettes, but it isn't there. He looks at the room he has just carpeted and sees a lump under the carpet.

"I'm not tearing up the carpet I just laid out for a dumb pack of cigarettes," thinks the man. So he goes to the lump in the carpet and squish...

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Lesson 5 of 6: The Flying Turkey

A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.” “Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave hi...

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Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

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6 Life Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Landmark

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about landmarks over the PA system."Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when ...

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

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A newlywed farmer stops in at the tavern for the first time after his honeymoon.

He is greeted fondly and his friends buy him a few rounds. He gladly downs them and then orders a drink of his own.

A few drinks in he overhears three of the older farmers talking.

"You see this! Mary damn near bit my neck off yesterday! I was howling like a dog for an hour!" one says...

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I took my son to see a doctor.

He sat there, embarrassed, so I spoke out for him.

"My boy has a lump on his penis," I said. "He's rather worried."

"How big is it?" asked the doctor.

I said, "About three inches erect. But we're here for the lump."

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How did the little boy save the catholic priest's life?

He found a lump on his testicle.

How is a toilet like a workplace?

The biggest lumps rise to the top

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Two old women are talking to each other.

One says "I think I have cancer, I found 2 lumps under my breasts". The other replies "oh you old hag, it's not cancer honey, those are your kneecaps!"

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

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Cold

There were these three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest iglo...

A man Is wandering in the desert

He is lost with no food or water, and is starving. He assumes quite rightly that he is going to die.
However just then he sees a church off in the distance. He sprints for it and inside he gets down on his knees and prays for food. *PLOP* A lump of meat appears before him.
He wolfs the food ...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

A camel Goes into the coffee shop

The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"

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Good Sport...

Bruce is driving over Harbor Bridge one day listening to some music in his car and just having a really great day. Suddenly he notices his girlfriend Sheila standing on the side of the bridge.
Bruce slams on the brakes, bolts out of the car and shouts, "Sheila! What the hell are you doing, babe...

Kid: how do you know when you’re in love?

Dad: What do you mean?

K: well when I’m around Karen I get a lump in my throat, my mouth gets all dry, and my knees get all squiggly. Does that mean I’m in love?

D: either that or you’ve got a real bad case of the measles

Quasimodo finally retired from his job today...

He left with a lump sum and 30 years back pay.

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The teacher asks the class to use 'diction' in a sentance

Little Johnny stands up and says "oh, I know, I put polish down my pants and then my dick shone."

"That's inappropriate. Now, can anyone use 'fascinate' in a sentence?"

Little Johnny stands up again "my aunt Bertha has a coat with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only faste...

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breas...

This construction worker was laying a full room carpet in this house...

... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.

He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and in...

A man has just finished installing new carpet in a customer's home

When the last staple has been set he reaches into his pocket to get his pack of cigarettes but doesn't find the pack.

He looks around and sees a small lump in the middle of the room under the carpet. He doesn't want to rip up all the carpet again just for his pack of smokes so he smashes it ...

A devout peasant in the dark ages...

Has a starving family, so goes to the church to pray. "Oh, please lord, oh great one, in your benevolence provide my family with sustenance".A lump of meat falls from the heavens and lands at his feet. The next week they are starving again, so the peasant goes back to the church, kneels and bows his...

A young bloke working in the mines...

A young bloke working in the mines in the Pilbara goes to see the onsite doctor with a little problem.

The doctor asks, "What's the trouble, son?"

The young bloke says, "Doc, I've got this weird lump under my foreskin."

"Right," says the doctor, "whip it out and let's have a loo...

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A man sees an ad in the paper for a Big Dick club.

He decides he wants to join, so he goes to the next meeting.

He walks up to the secretary and says, “I’d like to join the big dick club.”

She responds, “How big is your dick?”

“Eighteen inches.”

The secretary bursts out into uncontrollable laughter. Not knowing what’s w...

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A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him: "Listen, I felt a weird lump on one of my balls and all of a sudden it began tingling. Next day I wake up and I got a freakishly huge testicle and a regular one and I have no idea how it got like that."

Doctor: "Well, let's see it."

Guy: "No way,...

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

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A man is anxiously awaiting a call from his doctor.

Finally, the phone rings. When the man picks up, the doctor says, “Well, I have bad news and I have worse news.”

The man swallows the lump in his throat and says, “Ok, doc. What’s the bad news?”

The doctor says, “Bad news is, you only have a week to live.”

“Oh, God!” The man ...

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

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Penis Problem

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute.

A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until...

A mother walks into her son's room

Upon opening the door she sees her son eating some of his toys. Freaking out she scoops him up and rushes to the emergency room and demands them run all sorts of tests on him. Finally after receiving dozens of tests they finally get to sit down with a doctor.

"Is my son going to be okay?" The...

A man is laying carpet at a woman's house and it's a long, hot job.

He finally finishes and reaches into his shirt pocket for a pack of cigarettes and they are not there.

He glances at a small lump out of the carpet I realize they slipped out of his pocket. Bam! Bam! Bam! He flattens them till it looks great, there is no way he's going to take up all that car...

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter

He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going.

A while later comes across a friend also out jogging, and they carry on together. After a while his friend says "What's that lump in your shorts?

”"That's a tennis ball" he replies.

"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had t...

Every president has a secret service codename.

The current president is “Mogul”. I looked it up.
Mogul: a member of the Muslim dynasty of Mongol origin
Nope, that can’t be it, unless he’s a total self-hater. Try alternate definition:
Mogul: In downhill skiing, an ice-cold lump; an extremely dense obstacle to human progress, a destabil...

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