A kid threw a lump of cheddar at me.

I thought "that's not very mature".

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My friend decided to have a testicle removed after he found a lump.

He is really hardcore about his mashed potatoes.

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The US Military had too many commanding officers so it offered a significant lump sum to those who retired...

They would measure whoever retired from one point on their body to another and pay $5,000 per inch. The first general asked to be measured from the top of his head to his tip toes and was paid $360,000. The second general was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched...

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I was checking my testicles for lumps

When I heard a little voice say "the empire state building is 20 ft tall," it turns out they were talking bollocks.

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A man goes into the doctor's office with a strange little lump on his forehead

The doctor does some tests, and then sits the man down.

"I have some bad news for you", the doctor says, "you have a penis growing out of your forehead".

The man is shocked, he yells: "that's horrible! I will look like a freak!"

"No, no, don't worry about that. You won't be ab...

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I was checking for lumps and found a perfectly formed pair of testicles.

God knows what they were doing in my mash potatoes though.

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My doctor was checking my balls for lumps the other day.

It got quite awkward when I ran my fingers through his hair

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My grandmother told me the doctor found lumps in her breasts...

Then we realized it was just her knee caps.

Two lumps of concrete walk into a busy bar...

They see some chairs next to a lump of tarmac, and the one goes over to sit when the other grabs him saying:

"Dude, don't sit next to him.. he's a cycle-path"

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A woman flashed her tits at me today....

I just sat there and giggled like a school boy.



Then she said to me " will you stop mucking around and check this lump, doctor."

Why did Eve eating the forbidden fruit cause a lump in Adams throat?

Because she was eating Adam's apple.

[NSFW] So I'm getting a testicular exam, and he notices a lump.

I ask if it's something serious and he says to me "It seems like it, but you might want to have it checked by a professional."

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Why is having sex with a lump of bronze considered incestuous?

Because you're still fucking a CuSn

When I was young, Dad found a lump and Mum had to have her breast removed.

That man took his mashed potatoes very seriously, let me tell you.

So I was driving down the road one day, and somebody threw a lump of cheese at me...

and I thought to myself, that's not very mature...

Grandma went to the hospital saying she felt a lump on her breast...

Turns out it was her belt buckle.

Three people are on a plane...

...and it's about to crash. The first man throws a hundred dollar bill out the window and prays. The second man throws a brick out of the window and prays. The third man pulls the pin on a grenade, throws it out the window, and prays.

Later, when people are on the scene, they spot a person ye...

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A turkey was chatting with a bull “I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree,” sighed the turkey, but I haven’t got the energy.”

“Well, why don’t you nibble on my droppings?” replied the bull. “They’re packed with nutrients.” The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Fina...

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Five Minute Management Lesson

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob ...

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A kindergarten teacher is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely".

To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said, "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's grey and cloudy". Another student says, "Gras...

Meat

Guy in a pub sees two lumps of meat nailed to the ceiling. “What’s that about?” he asks the barman.
“Pub tradition. Jump and touch the meat, you get a free beer.”
The guy thinks a moment, then shakes his head. “I’m not taking that bet. The steaks are too high.”

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

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My wife found a lump in both breasts..

Its ok.. it turns out to be her knees..

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Doctor’s checkup

A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office and the doctor is awestruck. All his professionalism goes out the window.

He tells her to take off her pants and he starts rubbing her thighs. He says, "Do you know what I am doing?" he replies "Yes, checking for abnormalities."

He tells h...

My wife wanted an element of surprise for our anniversary

I bought her a lump of Molybdenum

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Teacher asks Little Billy to use the word 'definitely' in a sentence.

Little Billy replies, "Teacher, do farts have lumps in them?" The Teacher says, "Of course not Billy," To which Billy replies, "Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants then..."

A sad man who's just fired from his job walks into a bar looking very down.

Now he's a sad man with a lump on his head.

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Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence?

Teacher: Class, who can use the word “definitely” in a sentence...
Students:...

**Student A:** The Grass is DEFINITELY green!
**Teacher:** Well, not exactly. There’s blue grass, and when the grass gets burnt it turns brown. So, try again.


**Student B:** The Sky is DEFINITELY ...

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The Choking Boy

While eating at an expensive restaurant all the diners are disturbed when a woman starts screaming "My son's choking!, he has swallowed a large chunk of steak and can't breath!, please anyone help." Without speaking, a man stands up at a nearby table, and walks over nonchalantly. Smiling pleasantly...

Every president has a secret service codename.

The current president is “Mogul”. I looked it up.
Mogul: a member of the Muslim dynasty of Mongol origin
Nope, that can’t be it, unless he’s a total self-hater. Try alternate definition:
Mogul: In downhill skiing, an ice-cold lump; an extremely dense obstacle to human progress, a destabil...

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My daughter

I owe my life to my daughter.

I dread to think about what could have happened if she hadn't found that lump on my testicles

One of my 9th graders told me this joke. A guy was being investigated by the IRS...

A guy was being investigated by the IRS. After dodging the agent for weeks, his family convinced him to go get a lawyer and go talk to the irs agent.

The guy goes to see the lawyer and they ride together to the IRS office to see what the problem is.

The IRS agent meets the guy and te...

A guy is out jogging when he sees a tennis ball in the gutter

He picks it up and puts it in his pocket, and keeps on going.

A while later comes across a friend also out jogging, and they carry on together. After a while his friend says "What's that lump in your shorts?

”"That's a tennis ball" he replies.

"Wow!" says his friend, "I've had t...

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A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to a gynecologist

The doctor took one look at this woman and all his professionalism went out the window. He immediately told her to undress.

After she had disrobed the doctor began to stroke her thigh. Doing so, he asked her, "Do you know what I'm doing?"

"Yes," she replied, "you're checking for any ab...

It turns out North Korea has been naughty on purpose.

They’re hoping Santa will bring them all lumps of coal for Christmas.

Two couples were playing poker one evening.

Dave accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Frank's wife, Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress! Shocked by this, Dave upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, Dave...

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An attractive blonde walks into a gynaecologist’s clinic.

The doctor takes one look at her, and all his professionalism goes out the window. He quickly invites the blonde to undress and lay back on the examination table.

He starts by placing his hands on her ample tits and begins vigorously squeezing them. He then asks, “Do you know what I’m doing?”...

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Little Johnny went to school one day...

Little Johnny was at school one day when the teacher asked the kids if they could use the word definitely in a sentence.

The first little girl raised her hand and said, "The trees are definitely green."

The teacher said "No not really because the trees turn yellow red and brown in t...

A mother walks into her son's room

Upon opening the door she sees her son eating some of his toys. Freaking out she scoops him up and rushes to the emergency room and demands them run all sorts of tests on him. Finally after receiving dozens of tests they finally get to sit down with a doctor.

"Is my son going to be okay?" The...

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father.

In medieval times, there is a young boy who lives with his mother and has never met his father. One day, he says to his mother:

Son: Mom, did my father have a genetic disorder that causes him to have a lump on his back

Mother: Why would you think that?

Son: I just have a hunch.

A pirate goes into a doctor's office.

He asks the doctor to inspect his back because he happened to find some lumps there. After careful examination, the doctor tells the pirate, "Don't worry. They're benign," to which the pirate replied, "Aargh, check them again. I reckon there at least be ten."

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Jesus meets Judas after the Resurrection: A Bible Story

After returning from the dead following his betrayal and crucifixion the first thing Jesus did was seek out Judas. Upon finding the distraught Judas contemplating how he'd use the fifty pieces of silver he received for his treachery Jesus said,

"Look man no hard feelings I know this disciple ...

Quasimodo finally retired from his job today...

He left with a lump sum and 30 years back pay.

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Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

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A little old lady calls a carpet installation company to redo her living room carpeting...

Mitch arrives, takes measurements and begins work. He pulls out the old carpeting, sands the floor down and lays in the new carpet. It takes all day.

When he's finally done he notices a small lump under the carpet in one corner of the floor. "Ah, fuck. What the hell is this now?" he says. He...

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor

A man was installing a wall-to-wall carpet for his neighbor who was out of town. He had been working on it for a couple hours, when he noticed a lump in the middle of the carpet. He let out a short huff, walking outside for a cigarette while he thought about what he should do since he'd have to take...

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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching spelling and grammar to her class. She notices one boy is playing a video game and not paying attention.



She asks him why he is not paying attention.



He replies that he already knows everything she is teaching.



She a...

A camel Goes into the coffee shop

The barista, about to add the sugar asks, "one lump or two?"

Teacher offers middle school students a monday absence. If....

...Anyone can use the term 'definitely' properly in a phrase.

So Sarah raises her hand, and says "The sky is definitely blue."

Teacher tells her: "That's a very good response! But, sometimes the sky turns rather pink, or it gets dark out, and the sky gets black. Anyone else?"

A...

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Definitely

A third grade teacher is teaching her English class and calls on her students to use the word of the day in a correct sentence.


"Today's word is *definitely*. Suzy, can you use the word *definitely in a sentence?"


"The sky is definitely blue" responds Suzy.


"Actuall...

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A hot blonde goes to the gynaecologist for a check up...

When she enters his office, the doctor is overcome by his primal urges, and immediately tells her to take off her clothes.

"Do you know why I asked you to do that?" He asks, hesitantly.
"Sure, you want to check everything to make sure I'm fine."
"That's right!" He says.

After ...

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Going to the Doctor

A man has been feeling a terrible aching feeling in his gut, and recently upon checking it in the shower, he thought he felt a lump! So the man immediately schedules an appointment to go to the doctor's. The following week, at the doctor's office, the doctor inspects the area, and asks the man sever...

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I took my son to see a doctor.

He sat there, embarrassed, so I spoke out for him.

"My boy has a lump on his penis," I said. "He's rather worried."

"How big is it?" asked the doctor.

I said, "About three inches erect. But we're here for the lump."

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A man meets a beautiful woman in a bar . .

Without too much small talk, she practically begs him to come sleep with her. They go back to her place and he has the most mind blowing sex he's ever experienced. She's insatiable. In awe of her, he asks how she is so voracious. "Well," she explains, "I have an abnormal amount of estrogen and it ju...

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The other day, I died and went to hell...

(Note: replace the name 'Jim' with the name of someone in the group that you're telling this joke to)

The other day Jim and I were walking around town when, out of nowhere, we get run over by a truck and die, and we both go straight to hell.

In hell, I'm greeted by the devil, who tells...

A man laying carpet in an old lady's home.

When he's finished he looks around for his pack of cigarettes but as he does so he notices a lump in the middle of the carpet. "Damn it," he says to himself. "I must have dropped my cigarettes on the floor and carpeted over them. I know, I'll whack the pack with my hammer and flatten it out." So he ...

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A man wants to join the Big Dick Club...

... And heads down to the club to apply. The receptionist looks at him skeptically and asks him how large his dick is. "18 inches," he replies, proudly. To his surprise, the receptionist begins laughing uncontrollably, and the man leaves in shame.

On the way out, he runs into the janitor, wh...

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A guy goes to the doctor

A guy goes to the doctor and tells him: "Listen, I felt a weird lump on one of my balls and all of a sudden it began tingling. Next day I wake up and I got a freakishly huge testicle and a regular one and I have no idea how it got like that."

Doctor: "Well, let's see it."

Guy: "No way,...

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Bob walks into a public bathroom and notices a guy with no arms standing next to a urinal.

As Bob takes care of his business, he wonders how the poor soul is going to take a leak. Bob finishes and heads for the door, but figures he should ask the man if he needs help.

''Oh yes please!" the armless man cries. "You have a kind heart, sir."

But as Bob unzips the man, and pulls...

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When I was a young boy, I saved my parish priest's life…

I spotted a lump on his testicle.

Doctor's Discussion

Two surgeons are conferring in the hospital corridor outside a patient's room...

"We found a large lump in his wallet but I think we got it all."

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Bob was a carpet installer

and one day he installed this beautiful wall to wall carpet for Mrs. Smith. He spent all day and did a great job. As he finished he was thinking "I'm ready for a cigarette now!". They weren't in his shirt pocket, and they weren't in his vest pocket. They weren't in his pants.

As Bob was goin...

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Bruce is driving over a bridge.

Bruce is driving over a bridge one day when he sees his girlfriend, Sheila, about to throw herself off. Bruce slams on the brakes and yells, “Sheila, what the hell do you think you’re doing?”

Sheila turns around with a tear in her eye and says, “Good-bye, Bruce. You got me pregnant and now I...

A man Is wandering in the desert

He is lost with no food or water, and is starving. He assumes quite rightly that he is going to die.
However just then he sees a church off in the distance. He sprints for it and inside he gets down on his knees and prays for food. *PLOP* A lump of meat appears before him.
He wolfs the food ...

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Penis Problem

A man went out with his buddies for a night on the town, ending up in a house of ill repute.

A week later, he was at his doctor's office, complaining about the large green lump on the end of his penis.

After a thorough exam, the doctor consulted a large book, flicking through it until...

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Vietnam veteran comes back from a tour of duty...

only to find out he has some kind of exotic STD. his dick burns when he pisses and has lumps and bumps on it that are red, green, blue and purple. He goes to the V.A. hospital and the doctor says he's never seen anything like it, but he's pretty sure he's going to have to amputate.

"Fuck tha...

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A teacher walks into a classroom...

She gets up to the chalkboard and tells the kids to shut up and they will be learning a new word today. "The word is definitely, now may I hear it used correctly in a sentence?"
A little boy raises his hand. "Yes bobby?"
"The sky is definitely blue!" The boy says.
"No, that is wrong, the s...

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A beautiful young woman goes to the doctor's office

The nurse puts her in an exam room, and asks her to remove her clothes. When the doctor arrives, he is dumbstruck by how pretty she is, and he can't maintain his professionalism.

He starts to feel her breasts, and says to her, "Do you know what I'm doing?" She replies, "Checking for breas...

I asked Santa for a new energy policy...

...but all I got in my stocking was a lump of coal. :-(

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[long] A woman was starting to feel very self conscious about her drooping jaw line...

She decided to have a face lift done.
A few years pass and she begins to notice her skin sagging again. She gets another facelift.
The woman becomes addicted to having taut, young looking skin.
The plastic surgeon eventually gets fed up of seeing this woman and performing unnecessary fac...

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Little Johnny joke

Teacher was going over words in class, and asked her students to use definitely in a sentence. Little Johnny was squirming, so he called out, "Teacher, I need to go take a shit!" She told him to sit down. "You can't go to the bathroom until you have used definitely in a sentence."

He thought...

This construction worker was laying a full room carpet in this house...

... and upon ending his work he realised his backpack was missing. Checking the area he could notice a lump in the carpet, the size of his backpack.

He couldn't belive how unlucky he was and he decided to take a desperate measure. He was not going to destroy the recently placed carpet and in...

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Bob goes to the doctor with a bump on his forehead.

He says to the doctor, "I got this red lump. What do you think?"
The doc runs a few tests and comes back looking flabbergasted.
"Bob this is incredible..."
"What is it?! Am I going to be okay?"
"It's like a ufo. I've only ever read about it but you never actually see one, this is amazin...

BLOND DOG

Q: Why does a blond dog have lumps on his head?
A: He's been chasing parked cars.

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A Hot blonde walks into a doctor's office, and the doctor decided to have a little fun.

"I'm going to have to give you a full examination." He says to the hot blonde.

He instructs her to take off her shirt and bra and he begins to grope her breasts. "Do you know what I'm doing?" he asks her. "Yes," she replies, "You're checking for lumps."

He instructs her to remove her u...

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Hoping to get lucky

I reached my hands round my wife in bed last night and started groping at her breasts.

"Ooh," she giggled. "Trying to get lucky, are you?"

"Sure am," I replied. "But I haven't found a lump yet."

The Legend of the Man Who Went on Vacation to New Orleans

It can be assumed that the man had gone to many, many bars that night. By the time he had entered his fifth bar, he was definitely drunk.

The man decided that it was about time to use the bathroom, so he approached the bartender and asked the bartender politely, "Exchuze me... whre kn-I take...

A devout peasant in the dark ages...

Has a starving family, so goes to the church to pray. "Oh, please lord, oh great one, in your benevolence provide my family with sustenance".A lump of meat falls from the heavens and lands at his feet. The next week they are starving again, so the peasant goes back to the church, kneels and bows his...

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Another golf joke

This guy meets his friend at a bar, and notices that his friend has a huge goose egg lump on his forehead. The guy asks what happened.

"Well," says the friend, "I took my wife golfing, and she was terrible. She kept hitting the ball way too hard. At one point she hit her ball into a nearby co...

A tale of two camels

Buddy of mine works at the local zoo. He's usually taking care of the camel they have there they call Sir Hump. They had been noticing that he was looking mopey and depressed so they brought in a companion. This female camel was named Lady Lumps. Anyways, Hump was finally acting normal again and soo...

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"Medical" examination

"Take off your clothes and lie down on the table" Said the Doctor. The young lady did as she was told reluctantly.
"I am just going to feel your breasts for lumps". He duly did and she let him.
"Now I am going to put on these gloves and just check your downstairs. I'll warn you, the gel is a ...

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Fresh prince of Bel air UK version.

South-east England born and raised

On reality TV spending most of my days

Bein' racist, whoring out and relaxin' all cool

And being disgusting, Fuck the gene pool

When a couple of cells

Who were up to no good

Startin making cancer in my vaginalhood

I ...

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When a beautiful woman...

walks into a gynecologists office, all of his expertise goes out the window. After she undresses and sits in the chair he begins to rub her thighs. "Do you know why I am doing this?" He asks her. "Yes, you are checking for any abrasions." She replies. He then begins to feel her breasts. "Do you know...

Why are steam trains naughty around Christmas?

They're hoping Santa will give them a lump of coal.

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So a 98 year old Jewish guy...

....wins a $250,000,000 lottery. He has to take the lump some, and knows he'll never spend it all, so he throws a huge party. Everyone from his Temple and everyone else he knows is there. He hands out scholarships that will last generations. He pays for great Grand children's weddings in advance. He...

A man saves up to buy a Ferrari

He's been saving every dime, every nickel, every dollar he can, and now he finally has enough to buy a brand new Ferrari in one lump sum. For fun, he decides to withdraw the full amount and pay for the car in cash.

He goes to the dealership, goes through all the paperwork, and gives them the ...

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One fine lady

A woman walks in to a gynecologists office. he looks at her and all of his professionalism goes out the window cuz she is fiiiiiine. He asks her to undress and he then proceeds to touch her up on the inside of her legs. ’do you know what I'm doing?’ he asks her. ’Yes your checking for any broken or ...

From the Peddy File...

JoAnne recently noticed she had hair growing between her legs. Frantic, she asks the doctor what's going on.

"And I'm getting these lumps on my chest too," she cries.

"Now dear," smiles the old doctor, "there's nothing to worry about. You're entering puberty. Everyone gets hair down t...

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