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Walmart recently installed a medical kiosk and for $10 it would diagnose any condition through a urine sample.

When my friend went with a sore elbow, the computer printout read "You have tennis elbow. Soak it in warm water and avoid heavy work for 2 weeks" Impressed, my friend wondered if he could fool the machine.

He mixed tap water with dog crap, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and then pl...

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The doctor gave an old patient a canister and said to bring in a semen sample tomorrow.

The next day the patient returned, but the canister was empty.

He said, "I tried with my right hand, but it didn't work."

"I tried with my left hand, but it didn't work."

"I called in my wife and she tried with her right hand, but it still didn't work. Then she tried with her le...

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Recently applied to a job as a back-end developer and they asked for some samples of my work.

For some reason, they were not pleased with the album of ass-pics from my previous clients.

Doctor asked for a urine sample, stool sample and sperm sample...

So I gave him my underwear.

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Sperm count

An 65 year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which wa...

Jesus was worried about the drug epidemic plaguing the world. In an effort to solve this dilemma, he decided that a few apostles would return to earth and fetch a sample of each drug, so they could understand what these substances did...

Two days after the operation is implemented, the disciples begin to return.

Jesus, waiting at the door, lets in each disciple.

"Who is it?"

"It's Mark."

Jesus opens the door.

"What did you bring Mark?"

"Marijuana from Colombia."

"Very well son, come i...

Samples for the doctor

An elderly man went to see the doctor, accompanied by his wife, as he was somewhat deaf.

Doctor: I'm going to need a stool sample, a urine sample and a sperm sample. Please pass them to the nurse when done.

Husband: What did the doctor say?

Wife: Give your underwear to the nurse...

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An elementary school teacher was handing out samples of deer jerky to anyone who wanted to try it.

It was part of the lesson about pioneer days and she hadn't yet told them what kind of meat it was.


She was giving clues to help the students. "I'm sure all of you have seen one as there are a lot of them around here". No response.

"The males often clash to prove who is toughest". ...

I took a urine sample at the doctor's office today.

I think my kleptomania is getting out of hand.

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A woman goes through border control on her bicycle with two panniers filled with sand.

The border guard was suspicious about it and searched through the sand, but couldn’t find anything hidden, so he had to let her through.

The next day, the same woman passes by, again riding a bike with two bags brimming with bright sand. The guard was still unable to find anything. He felt so...

An elderly gentleman goes to his..

doctor for a physical, checked his bloodwork, heart and lungs, everything looks great! The doctor said he had one more test to perform. He needed the man to go home to collect a sperm sample in this jar to see how his reproductive health is.

The old man says no problem with a smile.

Th...

The Artemis mission is a success, two astronauts land on the moon.

The astronauts are exploring the surface and collecting samples. The mission is going well, but one of the astronauts notices something strange in the distance.

"Hey, what's that thing on the ground?" the astronaut points.

They cannot make out what it is, so the two astronauts approac...

I used a sample of my DNA to create a clone, with whom I now cohabit. People often ask me whether I think it's unethical.

I tell them I can live with myself.

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Salesmanship

The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on productive salesmanship. Little Sally led off, "I sold Girl Scout cookies and I made $30." She said proudly, "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic ...

85 Year Old Man Getting His Physical

Old man is in the room with his wife and doctor says: "We're gonna need a blood sample, a stool sample, and a urine sample."

Old man says to his wife "What'd he say?"

Wife: "He wants your underwear."

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Elbow

One day Bill complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts, I guess I should see a doctor." His friend offered, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drugstore that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose you...

Remember to NEVER taste-test liquid samples on the job!

Anyways, thank you for listening for my story on how I lost my job at the hydrochloric acid processing plant.

2 masochists went to a BDSM convention

The convention was doing a special showcase of some dominatrixes who were considered the best at their job, they were all on separate booths where they would give out free samples and show off their techniques.

On the first day the more experienced masochist wanted to go to the woman with th...

A psychologist, a general, and a government official are tasked with reducing underage crime in a sample population put under their authority. Whoever drops it the most in a year, wins. After the year is done, they have a meeting to discuss their results.

The psychologist starts: "We lowered underage crime by over 20% in the last year, mostly by introducing counseling courses, and social assistance programs."

The General goes: "Crime is down by over 30%. Turns out, strict discipline and a one-strike rule can greatly affect people's habits."...

A local business was looking for office help. They put a sign in the window saying: "HELP WANTED. Must be able to type, must be good with a computer and must be bilingual. We are an Equal Opportunity Employer."

A short time afterwards, a dog trotted up to the window, saw the sign and went inside. He looked at the receptionist and wagged his tail, then walked over to the sign, looked at it and whined. Getting the idea, the receptionist got the office manager. The office manager looked at the dog and was sur...

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A man goes to get a physical

Doctor: okay sir, you seem to be in pretty good condition. I just need three things from you. A urine sample, a stool sample, and a semen sample.

Patient: Can't I just leave you my underwear?

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What time is it ?

I took my 13-year-old son with me to a large charity barbecue. A few thousand people there and several different rib joints you can sample. It was awesome, the food was fantastic.

There was also a large beer tent that had a band with many people in it. Band was pretty good the music while peo...

My stats professor told me that the larger the sample size the more trustworthy the data.

I guess the N's justify the means.

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I go to the doctor and he asks for a stool sample.

I pull out a small chair from my bag. The doctor yells at me for wasting his time and kicks me out of his office. I go home still not knowing why I'm shitting furniture. My nightmare continues.

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I went to give a sperm sample today and the nurse asked me if I'd like to masturbate in the cup..?

I said, "No thanks, I'm not ready for competition yet."

I walk to the sperm bank reception and say: "here it is" as I hand the sample to the receptionist

She responds with "thank you for coming"

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Me and another coworker were competing to see who was the best at our drug testing job. I was winning until i misplaced a felon's probation samples.

So I guess I lost that pissing contest

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My Dr wanted to run a series of tests and said he would need a blood sample, a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample.

So I left him my underwear.

Guy goes to a doctor and says I'm really sick, don't know what's wrong with me. Doctor says wow, I don't know what this is - so I will need a stool sample, a urine specimen, and and sperm sample.

Guy says, Doc I'm kind of in a hurry. Can I just leave you my shorts?

A man walked by a stand giving away free samples of fruit punch. He saw that the line was too long so he came back an hour later and guess what he saw!

There’s no punchline

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An 80-Years old man goes for a Penis Checkup...

After a brief evaluation of his penis the doctor says,

Doctor: Eveything looks fine, but for a complete analysis, we need your sperm(semen) sample too.

He gives him a small glass bottle.

Doctor: Bring this back tomorrow and then we'll proceed further.

Next day the old man...

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Got pulled over for drink driving and had to give a urine sample.

But clever me drank it before it could be analysed.

Now I'm getting charged with taking the piss:

An Old Man Goes to the Doctor

He brings his wife with him, and when the doctor asks why she's in the exam room too the wife replies that her husband is hard of hearing and she is there to help him understand.


The doctor says "Alright, sir. Please get on the scale." The man looks at his wife and she shouts "HE WANTS TO...

When my wife goes out shopping she like to sample things before purchasing.

She is buy-curious.

medina spirit was disqualified for a second failed drug test

experts described the horse's urine sample as "funky, cold"

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

Why couldn't the detective solve the Alabama murder case despite having the dna samples

It matched with everyone

I went to see my doctor, he asked for a stool sample..

So i decided to take carpentry classes.

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

I just found out sperm banks pay for your sample....

To think I've let all that money slip through my fingers.

Trying to create a decent graph of my data but some mystery guy keeps adding more samples to it.

The plot thickens.

Apparently, when you supply Human Resources with a urine sample...

... it has to be because they requested it

A guy named Jean has been out drinking

Jean has had a few drinks and is pulled over by a police officer thirty minutes into his drive home from the bar.

The police officer says to Jean: “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyser test.”

Jean replies: “I can’t.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Jean: “I’m asthmatic....

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Had to give a fecal sample today but the nurse said it wasnt enough. She asked I would be willing to give her another sample.

I told her I couldn't give two shits.

I wanted to learn more about my ancestry so I registered with a company online and sent them my DNA sample

Two weeks later I got a letter saying the sample cup was for saliva.

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I admire people who analyze stool samples

They really know their shit.

Costco is like my ex

Cheap and giving free samples to everyone

I went to the fertility doctor to get the results from my sperm sample.

Doctor - I have good news and bad news.

Me - Give me the bad news.

Doctor - Your sample was tampered with.

Me - And the good news?

Doctor - It was DELICIOUS!

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An older woman walks into a doctors office and asks the doctor if she could get a sample of viagra, but she doesn't want her husband to know about it.

The doctor agrees and tells her to slip it into his coffee and come back in a week and tell him how it goes. The old woman comes back a week later and the doctor asks her how it went. She tells him, "It was amazing! I slipped the pill in his coffee and he ripped my clothes off and made love to me ri...

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Hilarious, subversive memo sent to 20,000 federal employees early in computer mass-messaging age

This memo was sent out to 20,000 federal employees in my agency in the early 1990s, when federal computer systems first got mass messaging. The first incarnation of this system allowed *any employee* to mass message. Some low-level employee sent this to all. Needless to say, the agency immediatel...

My doctor just thanked me for submitting the minimum amount of feces for my stool sample.

I told him it was the least I could doo.

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I had to provide a stool sample to my doctor the other day to check why I haven’t been feeling good.

The nurse just called me and said they can’t find it. I’m so mad that I totally lost my shit!!

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The pathology lab was robbed last night. The stool samples were gone!

The supervisor couldn't believe it. He lost his shit.

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The hospital asked me if I would be OK giving them a stool sample...

I told them I don’t give a shit

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You ladies who only use tampons should really give pads a try. I'll even send you a sample for free.

No strings attached

Where did the librarian keep all his fecal samples?

In the scatalogue.

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It’s been a really long time since I had sex

I put a semen sample under a microscope and my little guys looked like frogs.

A man went to the doctor.

He told the doctor that he was having trouble getting his wife pregnant. The doctor gave him a bottle and told him to go home and provide a sperm sample. He went home and tried with his right hand. But his right hand couldn’t do it. So he tried with his left hand and he still couldn’t do it. So he c...

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Place urine sample here for diagnosis. [Long Joke]

A man walks into a doctor's surgery with a sore elbow. The receptionist tells him there is a one hour wait, so he sits down in the waiting area and starts looking around sheepishly and wondering whether his minor problem is worth such a wait for a diagnosis.

In the corner of the room he notic...

I went to a store and there was a sample table on display with depleted batteries:

Needless to say, they were free of charge.

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One of my patients forgot their stool sample today

I guess some people just don’t give a shit

A physicist, a chemist, and a statistician walk into an office to discover the trash can is on fire.



The physicist announces "We must put the garbage can in the fridge so that the temperature will be below the ignition temperature and therefore put itself out!"

The chemist replies "No, we must cover the garbage can so that the fire consumes all of the oxygen and, in the absence of re...

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Tennis elbow

Johns tennis elbow was hurting one morning so he decided to go see the doctor.
When he gets to the office he is asked to take a urine test. He complains about it but finally does it anyway.
About 15 minutes later the doctor called him into the examination room.
"Hey John, that tennis elbow...

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A Kindergarten teacher brings her class varies samples of meat...

She passes the first sample out, the students eat it, and asks, "Does anyone know what that was?"
She chooses a student and he says that it's steak.
"Good!" She passes out the second sample and asks if they know what it was.
A student yells, "It's chicken!" "Good, very good."
Sh...

Little Jimmy is in first grade...

All his art work he has been bringing home from school is in black and brown. Fearing this may indicate a mental health problem, his parents take him to a psychologist for evaluation.

The psychologist says "First I would like to see a sample of your art work" and hands him a sheet of paper...

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Wrong bank

A man walks into a sperm bank with a ski mask and a .45 pointed at the woman behind the counter."Open the safe " .The woman pleads "Sir is not that kind of Bank". "Open the safe and remove the contents" . She removed a test tube tray full of sperm samples. The man puts the gun in the woman's face an...

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A guy comes in to his doctor's offices having symptoms of tennis elbow. The doctor tells him to go home & pee in a cup & return it for analysis.

The patient thinks this is ridiculous so decides he'd mess with the doctor by taking a pee sample a from his wife. Gets some out of the unflushed toilet after his teenage daughter pee'd. Added some changed oil from his car. Even going so far as to put his sperm in it. The guy returns it for analysis...

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

Matthew McConaughey walked into a deli to order a sandwich

“What can I get for you?” the shopkeep asked.

Matthew replied, “well my good man, you see I’ve had the good fortune of becoming a world renown celebrity, an academy award winning actor, I’ve played some of the most iconic roles in television history, and I’m even known for my whimsical yet c...

Are you a Carbon sample?

Because I want to *date* you.

An old guy was supposed to submit samples for his sperm count...

...but returned the jar empty. When asked why, he said: "I tried one hand, then two, then I asked my maid to help. She used her hands, her mouth, even her thighs, but nothing! I even asked the gardener. Even the neighbor! Even the neighbor's gardener! But no one could open the damn jar!"

(Fou...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens...

Once upon a time there was a poor Indian farmer who was trying to grow chickens. The fellow planted eggs and watered them day after day but all to no avail. So the farmer went to the government office to complain. After meeting with one Indian bureaucrat and telling his story he was advised that not...

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Went to the doctors office and described the stomach pains I’m having

He asks me to give him a stool sample

I go to the bathroom and return soon after with a beautiful mahogany wood table.

The doctor is not amused and kicks me out of his office.

I continue to shit furniture

The nightmare goes on

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Dr. Visit

An old man goes to visit his doctor about painful peeing. His wife goes with him because the old man is hard of hearing.

After an examination the Doctor says to the old man, "I need you to leave a urine, semen and feces samples for analysis."

The old man didn't quite hear the Doctor an...

What do you call it when you are studying bacteria and someone steals your sample?

Cultural appropriation.

I was recently sampled by Doctor Dre...

Should get my results next week.

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A pirate and his parrot were adrift in a lifeboat following a dramatic escape from a valiant battle.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, the pirate stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a Genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To his amazement, a Genie came forth.


This particular Genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the stand...

I just got off my shift working on a drilling rig

that is taking core samples looking for gold. My family is out of town right now, so I came home, showered and decided that I would, all by my lonesome, go trick-or-treating.

I'll be dressed up as an unaccompanied miner.

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The local furniture store sells stools

I checked out one of their samples and I was unimpressed. It looked like a piece of shit.

Scientists analysed sweat samples of 100 regular KFC visitors.

11 secrete herbs and spices

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Getting A Physical

The Doctor's office called and said there was a problem with my blood work. The Doctor wanted to see me immediately.

Doctor: We need to draw more blood. We found some disturbing problems with your first sample.

Me: It is okay Doc. I've been injecting myself with blood from a rooster an...

SAMPLES

An older man is having a tough time hearing and decides to do something about it. He makes a doctor appointment and takes his wife along. The doctor looks the man over and says, "Well, this is a common problem for a man your age. I'd like to see a urine sample, fecal sample and a sperm sample." The ...

What do Paint Samples and Michael Jackson have in common?

They both come in little white cans...

Bob is retiring

After 40 years of balancing our company's chequebooks and working his way up the corporate ladder to CFO, it was finally time for Bob to retire. Everybody loved Bob, so we wanted to make his retirement party special.

Bob was a bit of a wine connoisseur, so we needed to find him a great bottle...

A man with family problems decided to go consult a psychic.

The psychic told him to come back in two weeks, bringing along a sample of sand from his yard.

So the man went back after two weeks with the sample of sand.

The psychic performed his rituals and said to the man, "I don't know if you can handle hearing this."

"Go ahead. I want to...

Two forensic officers were reviewing their examination the stomach of a murder victim that week.

"Another case solved," concluded the chief officer.

*"Hmm-mmm" her partner agreed.*

"Quite a simple one to work out, too." She savoured a sip of coffee.

*"Oh? How so?" queried the young man, raising an eyebrow.*

"Hmmm. The contents reminded me of my husband's attempt at t...

Good news...bad news...

"I have good news and bad news," a defense attorney told his client.

"First the bad news: The blood test came back, and your DNA is an exact match with the sample found on the victim's dress."



"Oh, no - I'm ruined!" cried the client. "What's the good news?"

"Your cholest...

I used to think I could draw conclusions from small samples...

...after only a few statistics classes, I realized I couldn't.

Every statistics professor I've had has told me to disregard trends in small samples, but I haven't taken that many classes so I can't be sure.

a man is swerving all over the road so a cop pulls him over

“Step out of the car” says the cop, “I am going to need you to take a  breathalyzer test.”

“I can’t”, the man quicly responds “You see I have very bad asthma, that can set off an attack.”

“Alright,” says the cop, “then you’re going to have to take a blood test.” “

Can’t do that ...

A man once became addicted to cocaine from foreign countries. He spent all his money to travel and sample the evil drug in all parts of the world.

Thankfully, he stopped once he hit the Finnish line.

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Once again this year, I’ve had requests for my Vodka Christmas Cake recipe so here goes. Please keep in your files as I am beginning to get tired of typing this up every year!

*(Made mine this morning!!)*

1 cup sugar,
1 tsp. baking powder,
1 cup water,
1 tsp. salt ,
1 cup brown sugar,
Lemon juice,
4 large eggs,
Nuts,
1 bottle Vodka,
2 cups dried fruit.

Sample a cup of Vodka to check qual...

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So there's a new machine down at the drug store...

Kevin and Tom are talking one day at the bar when Kevin mentions his elbow has been bothering him and he needs to make a doctor's appointment.

Tom tells him, "No, don't make an appointment. There's an amazing new machine down at the drug store. All you do is put in a urine sample and $10 and...

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