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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"



(Sorry)

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All these reviews people are leaving in the comment section of pornhub

I just hope there’s a pretentious ratatouille style porn critic who sees that one video that sends him back to his childhood when he developed his very first kink

I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.

A joke I found on the comments section of a youtube video.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?”

The other replied, “More than you”.

The sheer confidence he had

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves up to the first class section and sits down.

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

John was returning from work when he remembered that today was his daughter's birthday...

There was still time so he decided to quickly drive and buy a gift for her.
He went to the local supermarket and headed straight to the toys section in search of a toy his daughter would cherish.

He found employee there and asked his advise on which Barbie doll would make the best gift. ...

A gem from the YouTube comment section

"This watch has tremendous sentimental value to me. My father sold it to me on his deathbed." -Woody Allen

Just came from a bookstore where I asked the saleswoman how to find the self-help section...

she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose...

A boss calls a meeting to discuss employees taking sick days when they aren’t sick.

He had suspected that this had been happening, but he finally had his proof. He held up a copy of the newspaper, and in the sports section, there was an article about an employee, who had supposedly been sick, winning a golf tournament.

“Wow” said someone in the back. “Imagine the score he co...

I went to the shooting range for the first time and couldn’t get my gun to fire.

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual.

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There was a businessman whose wife was REALLY into sex.

He was a hardworking guy but still managed to satisfy his wife's needs.

One time he had to leave for another country for a business meet. He would've been gone for a week.
He knew his wife's sex drive and didn't want to take risks so he thought he should gift her something so she can sat...

What’s it called when a not important person sneaks into the VIP section of a club?

A NIP slip

How do you call the supermarket section for young people?

The juvenile

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town, when a bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum replied, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

What method is used to give birth to baby pirate?

Sea-section.... Arrrrrgh

My friend has paranoid delusions about being a chocolate orange.

I worry he might get sectioned.

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

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My wife is pissed off at me...

She told me how unhappy she is with her c-section scar and I tried to comfort her. Apparently "honey, don't worry, your tits will cover it up" was not the right answer.

I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

The Obituaries section of my local newspaper is quite concerning-

\-everyone seems to be dying in alphabetical order.

A doctor

A British doctor says, “in Britain medicine is so advanced, we can cut the liver out of one man and put it in another man and in 6 weeks he is looking for a job”

The German doctor replies, “That is nothing! In Germany we transplanted a section of brain tissue from one man to another and in 4 ...

I met my wife while we working at the same museum

I met my wife while we were working at the same museum. Our first date was in the geology section, the second in paleontology, and the rest was history.

An old ladies dies and goes to heaven...

When she gets there, she is confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Finally, she sees so...

What have I named the Pie section of my bakery menu?

Treasure Hunter cus its full of Pie-Rates

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An Israeli soldier lands on Heathrow Airport

During filling up the immigration form after name, sex, age etc. there was a section which asked, “Occupation?”

He answered, “No, just visiting”

I was at the park today with my daughters.

And a bit later on, a woman arrived with several children. She began following the youngest, about 2, all around. Staying very close by, shouting, "Don't put your arms down like that, you'll break them." And, "OH no, that slide is much too high go down this one." And the like, a real helicopter mom...

A man goes to see a doctor about a gas problem he's been having for awhile.

The Doctor's office is in the old market section of town and the man is impressed with the old marble walls, bronze accents and the tall, paned windows with hinged transom windows above them.

The doctor asks, "what's the trouble"?

The man say, "Well, I have this frrrrt gas problem. I ...

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Apparently in the hobbies section of my job application - Golf, masturbation and rolling boogers is not suitable....

I was only joking...I hate golf.

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Engineering joke

A plane is flying from Poland to England and the plane starts to wobble. The pilot works the controls but it just keeps getting worse. The co-pilot (who happens to be an engineer) says he knows what to do. He runs to the passenger section and says "Quick, everybody move to the left side of the pl...

So I was out Christmas shopping earlier today, decided to stop in at the local garden section to pick out some succulents for my wife, tripped over a hose and ended up falling into the Aloe Vera.

Hurt like hell, but healed very quickly.

The jokes section on Reddit reminds me of the brilliant work of a perfect A+ student I went to High School with

But only in the sense that literally everything he ever wrote was plagiarized

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

What is a Pirates favourite section in retail?

Health and Booty

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

My brother was born by C-section.

You can't really tell except when he leaves the house he goes out the window.

A lady goes grocery shopping.

So, a lady goes to the grocery store to buy a few things, and she approaches the meat section on the store. She says to the butcher "how much for that pig's head??" To this the butcher replies "ma'am, that's a mirror."

A new supermarket opened near me a few weeks ago.

They’re trying a new thing: immersion! For example, when you stop by the deli you can smell fresh grass and hear cows mooing, at the fish section you smell sea salt and feel a small bit of spray on your face, and at the fruit stall you can see mist on the apples, and smell fields of oranges and pear...

My friend and I were trying to figure out the circumference of his mid section, but neither of us knew how to work a tape measure...

...we decided it was a total waist.

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Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of new space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure.

In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all ot...

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I noticed at the bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Mueller Report" are both in the erotica section

In both documents you can see someone who's totally fucked.

An oil prospector is waiting at the gates of heaven.

St. Peter had some bad news for an oil prospector who appeared at the pearly gates of heaven: “You’re qualified for admission,” said St. Peter, “but, as you can see, the section for oil prospectors is packed. There’s no way to fit you in.”

After a moment, the prospector asked to say just four...

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What section on Pornhub do people from Alabama go to the most?

Related

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In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

The big questions

VLADIMIR Putin, wanting to get on the good side of voters, goes to visit a school in Moscow to have a chat with the kids. He talks to them about how Russia is a powerful nation and how he wants the best for the people.

At the end of the talk, there is a section for questions, so Little Sasha ...

Solid Old-Time Joke

Priest is walking through his parish, one of the hard-bitten sections of town. Pretty woman on the corner calls out to him, "Head, 10 bucks." He smiles politely, walks on, ruminates.

When he gets back to the cathedral he's still thinking it over. Walking through the garden, he comes upon one ...

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What’s the difference between the comment sections and a man eating a chili dog?

I dunno. All I know is after an hour they both go to shit.

A man goes shopping with his wife

As they pass by the alcohol section, the man sees a few bottles of his favourite whiskey on the shelves. He then sees a sign above that says "2 bottles for $50". Ecstatic, he asks his wife if he can get it and she says, "No, it's just a waste of money" and with that they continue.

Later they ...

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Having some areas in pandemic lock down and others not in lock down is like...

trying to organize the pissing section in a swimming pool.

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
Thank you for the gold stranger

I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

A solider had recently found out that he had cancer, and the diagnosis was making him feel miserable and struggle to carry out his duties. After failing to polish his boots properly, the drill sergeant called him forwards.

“Why haven’t you polished your boots properly?” He yelled. “What’s wrong with you? Can you make your kit presentable or not?”

“Cancer”, the soldier replied sadly.

“Good!”, the sergeant shouted, much to the soldiers surprise, before marching off.

The next day, the soldier was cal...

What did 0 say to 8?

Nice belt, m8

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(NSFW) Did you hear about the baby in Iraq who was born with 3 penises?

I bet his pants fit like a glove..


-Credit to u/no_hidden_talent who made the joke in the comment section of a news article.

I have to give a talk in college next week, on the history and manufacture of petroleum-based lubricants, so I've spent all day in the local library.

They have an excellent non-friction section.

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

A collection of math jokes

A big, muscly man enters the bar, slams the counter and says in a deep voice: I want 10 times more beer than everyone here is having.

The bartender says: Now thats an order of magnitude


---------------/


An infinite number of mathematicians enter a bar. The first asks for...

An arsonist lights an economist's house on fire.

When the economist arrives home, he turns on the garden hose in his front yard and sprays a huge blast of water on the fire. This completely puts out the fire, but now a section of the house is covered in water.

The next day, the arsonist lights a chemist's house on fire.

When the chem...

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Newspaper personal advertisement section:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of y...

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Two Irishmen on Connor's Pass...

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'


The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.


'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.


The owne...

Went to my local bookstore today and took a look at the classics section...

It was lit

Recently a new supermarket opened nearby

It has an automatic water mist generator to keep the produce fresh.

Just before it starts the mist, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

When you pass the milk section, you hear cows mooing and you get the scent of freshly cut hay.

In the meat depar...

A little British boy raises his hand to ask his teacher a question

"Miss, My mother says freedom is the most beautiful thing in the world. What does freedom mean?"

The teacher seeing the importance of this question for the sweet, innocent child, thinks quickly about how best to respond.

She smiles sweetly and says "Why don't you come up and tell the c...

What do you call a group of Spanish yes men?

A si section!

I was browsing through a section in the bookshop titled "Advertising for Idiots."

It said "Buy one and get a second one for the price of two."

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Life Without E-Mail

An unemployed man goes to apply for a job with Microsoft as a janitor. The manager there arranges for him to take an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).

After the test, the manager says, "You will be employed at minimum wage, $5.15 an hour. Let me have your e-mail address...

What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

A construction contractor buys a 10 foot Italian submarine sandwich to feed his crew

It gets delivered a little early, so he sets it out on a table and goes back to finish up the morning's work. By the time him and his crew get back to it, though, there's something wrong. Most of the middle sections are missing, and the two ends have been pushed together, making it only a 4 foot san...

I managed to shoot my very first turkey today, pretty proud of myself actually..

..though everyone else in the freezer section seemed a bit unhappy.

Why do people keep answering Amazon's Customer Question section with the response of "I don't know?". Why take the time to write it if you don't know?

Answer: I don't know

What do you call tuba section with only one tuba?

A oneba

Walmart has an “Outdoor Living” section.

Where I’m from, it’s called being homeless.

What did John Lennon say when he first arrived at the Door section of Home Depot.

Imagine all the peep holes.

My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane.

The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class until we reach Jamaica.”

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess...

Fish 1: So I heard you had kids. Where are they from?

Fish 2: The sea section

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Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

An American politician attends a football game...

This was last season so the stadium was packed with fans, completely sold out. He's minding his own business, enjoying the game when, during the 2nd Quarter, he hears someone in a nearby section shouting, "Steve! Hey, Steve!"

The politician stands up, looks around, but doesn't see anyone he ...

Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.

I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.

I found a very lucrative deal on the firearms section on Craigslist.

A French MAS36 rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

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A man walks into the produce section of a grocery store

He stares longingly at the apples for several minutes before letting out a long sigh, grabbing a pear, and trudging to the checkout. He sits in the parking lot, takes out a paring knife, and unenthusiastically slices up and eats the fruit. He carefully wipes the knife clean with his handkerchief, di...

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