Section Jokes - 76 Hilarious Section Jokes

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A man in New York walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage.

The boy working in that department told him that they only sell whole heads of cabbage.

The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old b\*\*\*\*\* outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."...

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy class gets up, and moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

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A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first class section of an airplane..

The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten to fifteen seconds.
The man went back to his reading.
A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, and then shuddered violently once more.
The man assumed that the w...

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

It’s tough finding journalists qualified to report on rhythm sections

They need to cover all the basses and can’t miss a beat.

I'm reposting this joke until somebody finds it funny beside me.

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

This year, Home Depot is selling Christmas decorations in the second aisle of the housewares section.

Aisle B, Home for Christmas.

I went into the bookstore and asked the clerk, can you tell me where the self-help section is?

And she said, why don’t you try to find that yourself?

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A woman was driving through a remote section of desert at night and was thoroughly lost.

Suddenly, a coyote ran into the road ahead of her. Slamming on the brakes, the woman was astounded to see a man come running from out of the darkness toward the coyote. In one smooth motion, the strange man took his pants down, grabbed the coyote by it's back legs and began furiously sodomizing the ...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept...

A lady walks into a store and asks where the XL condoms are kept.

The manager sends her off to the family planning section.

After ten minutes, the manager takes routine a walk around the store, to check on things. He finds the lady still in the family planning section, humming to herse...

My GF says she was born by Cesarean section.

I always wondered why she left my car through the sunroof.

I divided two types of the LGBTQ into two sections...

There was the trans-section, and the bi-section.

My wife always weeps when we go to the herbs and spices section of our grocery store...

...Seasonal depression is no joke, guys.

Why is a convent's percussion section so confusing?

It's a co-nun-drum

I went to visit a friend at the hospital and the only parking spot was at the C section.

I had to climb out of the car through the sunroof.

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Home Depot said they had bags of manure on the floor of the garden section.

Lying sacks of shit.

My music snob friend told me that The Doors had a lacklustre rhythm section. I asked him why he would say that, and he just shrugged his shoulders.

I told him I’m sick of hearing these bassless accusations.

A Southern Sheriff is driving down a secluded section of highway

when he sees what looks like a naked man peeing on a tree. He pulls over and walks up to the man and realizes he is tied to the tree.

The man smiles broadly and says,. "Oh thank God you showed up. You wouldn't believe the day I'm having. First my alarm clock didn't go off so I woke up late...

While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section.

One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The...

I was born by c-section and I turned out fine.

Of course, whenever I park my car I have to climb out through the sun roof.

Yesterday I found myself next to a Hollywood celebrity at a grocery store. Both of us were staring at the cream cheese section.

I was …..watching Philadelphia with Tom Hanks.

A joke I found on the comments section of a youtube video.

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to...

The Mandalorian fell on hard times and had to take a job in a body building and health food shop. Turns out he was unexpectedly great at it and smashed the commission targets. He'd just direct people to the protein powder section, and say...

..."This is the whey"

(Sorry)

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An exotically dressed prostitute is perusing the meat section of the supermarket, looking perplexed.

The butcher walks over to her and asks, “Can I help you find something?”

The prostitute explains that she while she was selecting some chicken to grill, she realized she wasn’t sure if the meat was from a hen or rooster.

Surprised, the butcher replies, “You know, I’d never considered...

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A man badly damaged his dick in an accident

The surgeon says “we’ve developed a new technique that can rebuild your penis, using a section of an elephant’s trunk”; so the guy decides to go ahead.

The operation is a great success. A couple of weeks later, he’s having dinner at a restaurant with his wife. Suddenly his dick bursts out of ...

Which section of the house wins at staring contests 100% of the time?

The stairs.

A gem from the YouTube comment section

"This watch has tremendous sentimental value to me. My father sold it to me on his deathbed." -Woody Allen

A man went into a bookshop and asked 'Where's the self-help section please?

'If I told you, it would defeat the purpose' replied the shop assistant.

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

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All these reviews people are leaving in the comment section of pornhub

I just hope there’s a pretentious ratatouille style porn critic who sees that one video that sends him back to his childhood when he developed his very first kink

A retail worker was talking to a customer when they noticed some long, high pitched noises coming from the electronic section

‘Your Macbooks aren’t breaking are they?’ mused the slightly concerned customer.

The worker listened to the noise for a moment before motioning offhandedly to the speaker section.

‘Don’t worry, it’s just a Dell.’

My brother was born by C-section.

You can't really tell except when he leaves the house he goes out the window.

How do you call the supermarket section for young people?

The juvenile

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A Pastor's wife goes to the grocery store and is in the meat section.

She sees some meat she's never seen before and asks what it is called. "Damn ham" replies the butcher. The wife replies "Excuse me I don't appreciate that type of language." The butcher apologizes and says he didn't name it. She buys some. She takes her groceries home and begins to cook dinner....

What is a Pirates favourite section in retail?

Health and Booty

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

What happened to the conductor when half the cello section called in sick before a concert?

He had to resort to excessive violins.

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

C sections.

They really take it out of you.

What have I named the Pie section of my bakery menu?

Treasure Hunter cus its full of Pie-Rates

So a village boy and a modern girl fall in love and want to try 69

The boy doesn’t know about 69 so the girl takes the lead.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts out uncontrollably directly in his face. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises.

She squats down for another go but farts again, thi...

Walmart has an “Outdoor Living” section.

Where I’m from, it’s called being homeless.

So I once saw an argument in a comment section, a man said, “How many chromosomes do you have?”

The other replied, “More than you”.

The sheer confidence he had

A man walks into a supermarket and goes to the produce section...

He asks the man working the counter for three pounds of potatoes. The worker says, "Mate, we use kilos nowadays."
The man shrugs and says, "Fine, three pounds of kilos, then."

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What section on Pornhub do people from Alabama go to the most?

My job is sectioning and dehydrating organic materials.

It may sound complicated, but it's actually cut and dry.

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town.

A bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replied, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see ...

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
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What section would a defective cabinet look for in a library?

Shelf help

What’s it called when a not important person sneaks into the VIP section of a club?

A NIP slip

What do you call tuba section with only one tuba?

A oneba

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

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A guy walks into a fancy club and right past the bouncer.

When the bouncer tries to stop him, the guy says "let me through, I'm fucking rich."

The bouncer, eager for a tip, lets him through. The guy proceeds right to the VIP section, past the ropes, and sits down at the best table.

The bouncer tries to stop him again, but the guy says "I can...

Went to my local bookstore today and took a look at the classics section...

It was lit

I was in the garden section of the hardware store and some guy asked me if I wanted decking.

Luckily I got the first punch in.

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In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet?

Because thimbles aren't very loud.

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What’s the difference between the comment sections and a man eating a chili dog?

I dunno. All I know is after an hour they both go to shit.

Why didn't the school orchestra add me to their woodwind section?

It was reed only

I was browsing through a section in the bookshop titled "Advertising for Idiots."

It said "Buy one and get a second one for the price of two."

What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

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Apparently in the hobbies section of my job application - Golf, masturbation and rolling boogers is not suitable....

I was only joking...I hate golf.

Why do fish always have c-sections?

Because they can't have land sections

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A man walks into the produce section of a grocery store

He stares longingly at the apples for several minutes before letting out a long sigh, grabbing a pear, and trudging to the checkout. He sits in the parking lot, takes out a paring knife, and unenthusiastically slices up and eats the fruit. He carefully wipes the knife clean with his handkerchief, di...

John was at the grocery store buying beer for poker night with his buddies

When he is in the frozen food section a voluptuous redhead approaches him and says:

“Excuse me, I think you are the father of one of my kids”

John replied: “ohhh, we’re you that redhead that I banged in the bathroom at Shannon’s a couple of years back?, you certainly look good”

...

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

What do you call tension in the percussion section?

Druma

I found a very lucrative deal on the firearms section on Craigslist.

A French MAS36 rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

The jokes section on Reddit reminds me of the brilliant work of a perfect A+ student I went to High School with

But only in the sense that literally everything he ever wrote was plagiarized

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A Koala is sitting in a bar...

A Koala is sitting in a bar enjoying his drink when a beautiful woman approaches him. She starts flirting and they chat for a few minutes before the woman looks at the Koala and says

"hey, you wanna get outta here?"

"Sure!" the Koala replied as he jumped off the stool and took her ha...

Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.

I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.

An exam was taking place in Oxford's oldest and most traditional college...

The ancient hall was packed with students in deep concentration.

Halfway through, a student stood up, banged his desk and loudly demanded a pint of beer.

The head examiner, furious at the disruption, asked him to 'explain yourself at once'.

The student cited section 7.b of a lon...

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So a woman is looking lost in the produce section of a grocery store...

So a man that works there approaches her and asks “Can I help you find something?” “Yes, can you please tell me where I can find the broccoli?” she asks. “Oh I’m sorry ma’am, we’re all out of broccoli right now but we will be receiving a new shipment tomorrow”. A few minutes go by, but the woman con...

The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate.

It's non-existent.

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In the book I'm currently reading, there's a section that talks about the vagina.

It's my favourite passage.

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