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A man and a woman are sitting beside each other in the first class section of the plane. The woman sneezes, takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose, and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man isn’t sure why she is shuddering and goes back to reading.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue, gently wipes her nose and shudders quite violently in her seat.

The man is becoming more and more curious about the shuddering.

A few more minutes ...

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A man in Melbourne walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of cabbage. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of cabbage. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter...

Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard outside wants to buy half a head of cabbage."

As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man had followed and was standing right behind him, so the boy quickly added, "...and this gentleman kindly o...

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I noticed at the bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Mueller Report" are both in the erotica section

In both documents you can see someone who's totally fucked.

My brother was born by C-section.

You can't really tell except when he leaves the house he goes out the window.

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In a bookshop today, I asked a busy female assistant where the section on clitoral stimulation was.

Despite her best efforts, I couldn't find it.

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A beautiful young blonde boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section.

She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her tickets and tells the woman that her seat is i...

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A man was walking through a rather seedy section of town.

A bum walked up to him and asked the man for two dollars.

The man asked, "Will you buy booze?"

The bum replied, "No."

Then the man asked, "Will you gamble it away?"

The bum said, "No."

Then the man asked the bum, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see ...

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What section on Pornhub do people from Alabama go to the most?

Related

A high quality post on a website with active comment section

*Top Comment *
Thank you for the gold stranger

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A flight is on its way to Sydney when a blonde in economy gets up, moves to the first class section and sits down

The flight attendant watches her do this, and asks to see her ticket.

She then tells the blonde that she paid for economy class, and that she will have to sit in the back.

The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m beautiful, I’m going to Sydney and I’m staying right here”.

The flight...

I noticed at my bookstore that the "Kama Sutra" and "The Art of the Deal" are both in the erotica section

According to the bookstore, "The Art of the Deal" has people getting screwed in a lot more positions.

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Newspaper personal advertisement section:

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of y...

What do you call a section of a circle that ascends to heaven?

An arcangle.

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A man is working in the produce section of a grocery store when an elderly woman approaches him...

“Excuse me, young man. Where is the broccoli?” The man says, “Sorry ma’am, but we just ran out. Please come back tomorrow and we should have some more.”
A bit confused, the old woman walks away.

A few minutes later, the same woman approaches the man again.
“Pardon me, I don’t see the ...

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A grocer is arranging vegetables in the produce section of his store..

When a woman taps him on the shoulder to say "Excuse me, sir, but where would I find some broccoli?" The man replies "Ma'am, I'm sorry but we just ran out of broccoli. The woman nods and leaves the man to arrange the vegetables.

A few minutes later, the same woman taps the grocer on the shou...

Whattaya call someone who seems to have an almost fetishistic obsession with stomping into a comments section, saying something absolutely horrible, and spending the rest of the day slapfighting with whole threads of people calling them an idiot?

A compulsive mass debater.

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Brass Section

I've been told different instruments are played better if you have more control over certain parts of your body.

Tubas are played better by those who have more lung control and breathing practice.

Baritones are played better by those with quick and precise tongues.

French Ho...

I was browsing through a section in the bookshop titled "Advertising for Idiots."

It said "Buy one and get a second one for the price of two."

A guy walks into a bookstore and says to a clerk: “excuse me could you tell me how to find the self-help section?”

The clerk says: “well I could, but wouldn’t that defeat the purpose?’

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool... (/r/AskReddit comments section liked it and I was told that you might like it, too)

*It's a joke I know in french. So I tried to translate it and did some improvments since my first comment, too:*

A 3rd grade class goes to the swimming pool.

The lifeguard asks to the class: "Does any one of you already know how to swim?"

Then the little Dimitri, all excited, an...

A young girl wanders into a section of beach designated for nudists only...

A man sees the young girl approaching him and quickly covers up his privates with a small towel. She asks the man what’s under his towel and he says that it’s his little birdie. She asks if she can play with his little bird but the man insists that it is sleeping. The girl keeps pleading with the ma...

What is a ninjas favorite section at the book store?

Stealth Help

What was the snowman doing in the carrot section of the grocery store?

Picking his nose

A fellow at the library asked me where the self help section is...

but I told him that would defeat the purpose.

Walmart has an “Outdoor Living” section.

Where I’m from, it’s called being homeless.

Why do people keep answering Amazon's Customer Question section with the response of "I don't know?". Why take the time to write it if you don't know?

Answer: I don't know

What do you call tuba section with only one tuba?

A oneba

What did John Lennon say when he first arrived at the Door section of Home Depot.

Imagine all the peep holes.

What do Baptist churches and YouTube comment sections have in common?

They both claim that they're first.

Went to my local bookstore today and took a look at the classics section...

It was lit

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Dicks Sporting Goods stores have all have a summer sports section in their parking lot that is packed up in the winter months, making the stores a bit smaller.

Meaning Dicks shrink when it's cold.

Recently I was at a store walking down the flash drives and hard drives section.

I have to say, it was quite a walk down the memory lane.

Blonde boards a airplane

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn’t have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, “I’m blonde, I’m smart, I have a good job, and I’m staying in first class unti...

Apparently they're removing the essay section from the SAT

Now it's just going to be called the T.

Why didn't the school orchestra add me to their woodwind section?

It was reed only

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A beautiful blonde boards a plane to Vancouver...

As soon as the plane takes off, she leaves her seat in the economy section, heads to first-class, and sits in an empty seat.

A flight attendant notices, and approaches the woman. "Excuse me, ma'am, may I please see your ticket?"

The woman hands her ticket to the attendant. The attend...

A woman dies and goes to the gates of heaven.

When she gets there, she is perplexed and confused to find everyone furiously cracking eggs, dumping flour, and mixing batter.

She turns around and sees an entire section dedicated to decoration, with elaborate concoctions of strawberries, frosting, and tiering at every station.

Fina...

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In the book I'm currently reading, there's a section that talks about the vagina.

It's my favourite passage.

A man walks into the produce section of a grocery store

He stares longingly at the apples for several minutes before letting out a long sigh, grabbing a pear, and trudging to the checkout. He sits in the parking lot, takes out a paring knife, and unenthusiastically slices up and eats the fruit. He carefully wipes the knife clean with his handkerchief, di...

What did the conductor do when half of the cello section called in sick a week before a major concert?

He was forced to resort to excessive violins.

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How to describe the YouTube comment section

They're bringing drugs. They're bringing crime. They're rapists...

But some, I assume, are good people.

I found a very lucrative deal on the firearms section on Craigslist.

A French MAS36 rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

C sections.

They really take it out of you.

I got kicked out of the library today

I got kicked out of the library for putting the women's rights book in the fiction section

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So a woman is looking lost in the produce section of a grocery store...

So a man that works there approaches her and asks “Can I help you find something?” “Yes, can you please tell me where I can find the broccoli?” she asks. “Oh I’m sorry ma’am, we’re all out of broccoli right now but we will be receiving a new shipment tomorrow”. A few minutes go by, but the woman con...

Why is the all-lisp percussion section so quiet?

Because thimbles aren't very loud.

Why do fish always have c-sections?

Because they can't have land sections

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A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

An atheist dies and goes to hell.

The devil receives him and says, "Welcome to hell, my friend. I guess they have told you lots of awful things about this place, but it’s all BS. Relax, take a look around and you’ll see that this is not such a bad place."

Atheist takes a look around and finds that, indeed, hell is not so diff...

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The New York Philharmonic was conducting a rendition of Beethoven's Ninth Symphony

If you are not familiar with Beethoven's 9th Symphony it's a tremendous piece of work, but the bass line is atrocious. Not because it is complicated, but because it goes like this:

**"bbbaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh"**



And then approximately an hour an a half later it goes li...

The "Personal life" section of my Wikipedia article is actually pretty accurate.

It's non-existent.

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Various law enforcement agencies have a fugitive tracking competition. A forest is divided by high fences into 100-acre sections, a squirrel is released into each one, and the game begins.

The CIA fill their section with animal agents all wearing wires. After three months with no leads, they announce that the squirrel never really existed.

The FBI works for a month and gets no leads. They burn down the forest, positively ID the squirrel remains, and announce at a press conferen...

What do you call tension in the percussion section?

Druma

A young woman was moving into a new home in the suburbs—her first time away from family.

She decided to take residence in a house that was built by a small family several years ago. There was some construction to be done, however, so she called one of her friends who had a background in architecture to point her in the right direction.

He arrived early one morning, surveying the ...

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The only company to truly care about LGBTQ+ people after pride is PornHub...

...they have a whole section for them all year long

I took my new gun to the range to try it out, but somehow it won’t work....

Now I have to read the trouble shooting section in the manual!

A man is at a party when he sees a Buddhist monk

As he is observing the monk, the lady behind him drops her phone, and he helps her by picking it up. After that, he begins moving over to the refreshments section, on his way he spots a drunk friend, for whom he calls an Uber home. Once his friend is safely away, he continues to amble over to the re...

A blonde woman gets on a plane to Detroit and heads for a seat in first class, despite having an economy ticket...

A short while into the flight an air hostess notices she's in the wrong section of the plane and asks her to return to her allocated seat. The blond simply replied "no". Shocked and confused, the hostess insisted once more that she move, but the blond refused again.



The hostess leave...

I was born to an Asian family

But it was rough, the doctors had to perform a C section.

My dad slapped me at birth for not getting an A+ section.

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Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was “something wrong” with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

“He’s just lying there looking sick,” he told me. “I’m serious, Dad . Can you help?”

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

“Honey,” I ...

A man in the grocery store notices a woman with a three-year-old girl in her cart.

As they pass the cookie section, the little girl screams for cookies. The mother says, “Now Missy, we only have a few more aisles to go—don’t throw a fit. It won’t be long.” In the candy aisle, the little girl whines for candy. The mother says,

“There, there, Missy, don’t cry. Two more aisle...

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