UPJOKE
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Peace Jokes

A retired man purchased a home near a high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace, then the new school year began...

...One afternoon early into the first semester, three loud young boys came down his street, beating merrily on every bin they came across. They then did so the following day and the day after that, until finally the retiree decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walke...

Aliens visit Earth. They come in peace and surprisingly , they speak English.

Obviously, all of the heads of government and religious leaders want to speak to the aliens so they set up a meeting with our new visitors. When it's the Pope's turn, he asks: "Do you know about our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ?"

"You mean JC?", responds the alien. "Yeah, we know him! He's th...

My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she cooked dinner.

So I took the battery out of the smoke detector.

A calligrapher died peacefully in his sleep.

He soon woke up in a land of paradise. He spent the next few days exploring. Heaven was exactly as he imagined—pristine rolling hills, golden castles upon cloud tops, reunions with lost loved ones, and endless opportunities to explore one's hobbies. He had access to the finest selection of inks and ...

A 90-year-old man goes for a physical and all of his tests come back normal. The doctor says, “Larry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Larry replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on. When I’m done, poof! The light goes off.”

“Wow, that’s incredible,” the doctor says.

A little later in the da...

Rest in peace, boiling water.

You will be mist.

I saw that our local zoo has an interesting attraction : A lion and a sheep living peacefully in the same cage.



I asked the zookeeper whether they ever fight. He said, "Rarely."

I asked what happens when they do.

"We get another sheep."

Inner Peace

If you can start the day without caffeine,

If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,

If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,

If you can understand when your loved one...

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World Peace

My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. 


"World peace" I said. 

"Something more realistic!" she laughed 

"Ok how about a blowjob once a week?" 

She reached for the phone. 

"Who are you calling?" I asked. 

"The United Nations" she replied.

Inner peace can be found, eventually

Some doctor on television this morning said that the way to achieve Inner Peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So, I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of ...

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My wife asked me what my favourite part of a blow job is.

I should not have said the 5 minutes of peace and quiet.

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Therapist tells his patient to write individual letters to everyone who wronged him and then burn them to gain some peace

Patient comes back the next week and says he's done what the therapist recommended. Then asks what he should do with the letters

A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink. "Is everything okay, pal?" the bartender asks. "My wife and I got into a fight and she said she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know... a little peace and quiet?"

"Yeah. But today is the last day...”

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather, peacefully and in my sleep

Not screaming and wailing like his passengers.

My dad asked me, “Do you know what I love about the book War and Peace?”

Me: Not really.

Dad: Well, it’s a long story.

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Old Mr. Rutledge died peacefully in his sleep and was taken to the morgue.

While fixing him up for the funeral, the mortician naturally got a look at the old dead man naked. He was so awestruck at the size of Rutledge's penis that he called his assistant in. Wow, good on you, Mr. Rutledge! That thing's gotta be the size of a baseball bat!" the assistant commented.

L...

Rest in Peace

A well known Hollywood actress died in an accident and her numerous friends got together to hire the country's highest paid poet to compose an epitaph for her.

When the stone was laid across the top, it read:

"At last, she sleeps alone."

Doctor: "You'll be at peace soon!"

Me : "Am I dying?"

Doctor: "No!! Your wife is."

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A joke about an old Jew.

For context, the Western Wall, found on the Temple Mount is the holiest site in Judaism.

Here is the joke:

An old Jew prays briefly at the Western Wall every morning.

A reporter says to the old Jew:

"What have you been praying for?"

The old Jew says: "I have been p...

A old man passes away peacefully in his sleep after a long illness

His wife calls the county to come pick up his body.

The county operator answers "Yes, ma'am, I'm very sorry for your loss. Can you tell me your address?"

"Yes, we live at 148 Eucalyptus Street."

"Can you spell that for me?"

"Y-U...no, wait, that's not right...E-Y-C...no,...

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I feel the most at peace when I sleep in the nude

The rest of the passengers on the plane felt different

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Two aliens landed in the desert near a petrol station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the pumps assuming it was an earthling and the younger alien addressed it saying, 'Greetings, we come in peace. Take us to your leader.'

The pump, of course, didn't respond.

The younger alien was stumped. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' But the younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Shocked and insulted by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attit...

The path to inner peace begins with just 3 words

Not my problem

A Canadian man loses his wife.

He goes to the stonemason and asks for a tombstone that says "rest in peace." A couple days before the funeral, he comes to check on the stone and sees that it says "Rest in Piece."

"Sorry," he says to the mason, "but I meant 'peace', with an 'a'."

On the eve of the funeral, the maso...

Zelensky and Putin both die during peace talk bombings

As they regain their senses, they find themselves in front of the gates of Heaven. Shortly after that Saint Peter approaches them and says: „Welcome to the gates of Heaven. While I guess we all know where you two belong to respectively, I‘m sorry to inform you we have some formalities to go through ...

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize

Credit Steven Wright

A Serb, a Croat and a Bosniak are arrested in Iran for drinking alcohol.

The court sentences them to 10 whip lashes each, but everyone is allowed to make a special request beforehand.

First up is the Serb. "I request a pillow strapped on my back!" he says. After 2 lashes it rips apart and his back gets completely torn open.

Second up is the Croat. "I reques...

Peaceful Place

Picture yourself near a stream. Birds are softly chirping in the crisp, cool mountain air. Nothing can bother you here. No one knows this secret place. You are in total seclusion from that place called "the world." The soothing sound of a gentle waterfall fills the air with a cascade of serenit...

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?

Why couldn't Johnny fart in peace?


Amber Heard.

India is a very peaceful country.

Because nobody has any beef over there.

Wife-Husband Peaceful Relationship

They asked him why your relationship with your wife is always peaceful and no fight ever?! He replied that is because we agreed since the beginning that she takes decisions in small issues leaving me the big ones. For example, she takes decisions in: What house or car to buy; what school we choose f...

Why is Gaston the most peaceful Disney villain?

Because he won the No-Belle Prize

if the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of love?

The swallow

After my joke last week about the Holy Qur'an...

...I had tons of private messages from Muslims on this site. As an apology to them I would like to say this:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bom...

I met a rabbit chanting a mantra of peace and consciousness.

"*Hare* Krishna"

A parishioner compliments the minister after a sermon, saying, "Reverend, your words today were akin to the peace and love of God."

"Thank you," responds the minister, "Why do you say that?"

The parishioner explains, " Because the peace of God passes all understanding, and the love of God endures forever."

World peace or all of Bill Gates' money?

If you had a choice between world peace or Bill Gates' money, what color would your Lamborghini be?

Tea is an evil substance. It is much more dangerous than beer.

I discovered this last night. I drank 15 beers up until 3 am in the pub while my wife was just at home drinking tea.

You should have seen how mad and violent she was when I got home. She threw the chair at me and kept screaming at the top of her lungs. On the other hand, I was quiet and peac...

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

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Inner Peace

Heard a Dr. on TV saying in this time of Coronavirus while staying at home we should focus on inner peace.  We all could use more calm in our lives and to achieve this we should always finish things we start. We looked through our house to find things we’d started and hadn’t finished, so finished of...

In a competition to express luck, peace and quiet in a single sentence, the winning sentence was...

My wife is asleep.

Peace after death..

Husband: My dear, what ll you do after my death?

Wife: I can't live without you. I would die as well and come with you.

Husband: huh.. I didn't believe what that psychic said. But now I do.

Wife: what did he say?

Husband: He said, you won't live a peaceful life even aft...

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An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph

An older man was driving his new Mercedes at 100 mph when he noticed a police car chasing him in the rearview mirror. He accelerated to 125 and then 155 mph. Suddenly, he thought to himself, "I've outgrown this bullshit." He slowed down, pulled over to the side of the road, and waited for the police...

Winston Churchill, Harry Truman and Josif Stalin were discussing the terms of peace in Potsdam, Germany.

After a hard day of work they decided to take the rest of the night off. They went into a bar, had lots of drinks and got completely wasted. They started heading towards the hotel but were suddenly stopped by a massive hole blocking the road. Nobody could deduce whether or not falling into the hole ...

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In USSR we had this joke

An old Jew is on his deathbed. With weak voice he asks to call for a partorg because before his death he wants to join the Communist Party. A happy partorg rushes to him with filled out membership form to sign and a ready Party membership card. As the Jew signs the form he carefully takes the member...

Knock knock...

Who’s there?

Hike.

Hike who?


Warm midnight falling.
Stars shining, dancing brightly.
Peaceful all at once

Pilot Bob Johnson, age 85, died peacefully in his sleep last Tuesday.

The rest of his passengers weren't so lucky.

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Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

screwing for virginity.

In an effort to provide a calmer and more peaceful experience, Mark Zuckerberg is renaming and reformatting Facebook...

He's going to call it: Metastasis.

Rest In Peace, Larry Tesler

r/jokes would be nowhere without you.

The world's richest man is dying...

The world's richest man is dying. He has made peace with that.

But what is bothering him so much is that no one in the afterlife will even know that he has amassed such a colossal personal fortune. On Earth, everyone knows he's a self-made man who built this huge fortune from scratch, but he...

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible.

He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it’s total peace and quiet. After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there. “Name’s Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up the road. Hav...

So, I hear Islam is the religion of peace.

Piece of you here, piece of you there.

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I'm hoping for a peaceful transition of power if Trump looses.

Just like Germany did in April 30, 1945.

Jane and Erica are talking in heaven

"How did you die?" Jane asks Erica.
She replies, "I froze to death."
"Oh, that's terrible!" says Jane.
"It wasn't too bad, after a while you start to get a sort of peaceful feeling, just before you black out. How did you die?"
"Well," she says, "I suspected my husband was cheat...

I don't get why people think "War and Peace" is a tough read.

It's only 3 words.

r/Jokes founder nominated for the Nobel peace prize

Because they’ve created world’s most dedicated recycling community.

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A Group of guys, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts.

Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where
they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet
at Wetherspoons in Uxbridge because the waitresses were attractive.
The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent.

Ten years ...

Reporter to the old guy sitting next to his wife: "what's your secret for 80 years of happy and successful marriage?"

The old man replied "i'm gonna tell you a story, 75 years ago we were on a trip, we were horseback riding just ive two of us, out of nowhere her horse went crazy and throw her off on the ground, she calmly got up, cleared herself of dust and facing ive horse said "that's one" then got back on the ho...

When you don’t qualify for a Nobel Peace Prize...

... Go for the Darwin Award!

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

My Hindu friend is very peaceful.

He has never had beef with anyone.

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A Queen and a King exist peacefully.

The King needed to travel to a far away kingdom for business, leaving the Queen alone, he put 10 guards in charge of protecting her, and as a precaution, he slid a blade in the inside of her vagina, to make anyone that sleeps with her while his out regret it, after the long travel he comes back and ...

"What would a peaceful death be like?" asks the professor

"The same way my grandfather died" The student replies

"And how died your grandfather?"

"He fell asleep"

"Nice answer. And what would be a terrible death?"

"The way that my grandfather's friends died"

"And how died your grandfather friends?

"They were in th...

God and Canadians

When God made Canadians, he made them polite, peace-loving, and nice.
But the Devil said, "you are disturbing the balance of nature".
God thought about it, and said, "you are right. But I don't want to undo my work."
Devil: "well, there is only one way to fix this."

So God created Ca...

What do you get when you cross a hippie and a ninja?

Peace and Quiet.

Peace Mr Gunther.

After a long, tough, life Mr Gunther, born on 21.06.1946 on a beautyfull suny day.
He finally found his peace, he may rest now in peace.

The funeral of his wife will be held on Thursday.

Some people say:’ why don’t they protest peacefully?’

And then here comes this guy: ‘why don’t they just do a Zoom protest? ’.

My (blonde) sister hates blonde jokes. I (redhead) told her I have a redhead joke for her. She was eager to hear it!

A redhead goes for a drive through the country, just enjoying the peaceful ride with her windows open. She has to stop as a shepherd is moving his flock across the road. The redhead gets out of her car to stretch and has an idea.

"Hey Mister! If I can guess how many sheep you have, may I keep...

What's the most peaceful musical instrument?

I don't know, but violins isn't the answer.

A lawyer sits next to a blonde on a plane, and he really wants her to notice him, but she shows no interest.

The lawyer is not used to being rejected, so he says:

"Let's play a game. We go back and forth and ask each other questions, and if you don't know the answer, you give the person $5."

The blonde isn't interested, and she declines.

After 20 minutes of silence, the lawyer says:...

I just started practicing some speed reading techniques. Last night I read "War and Peace" in about 10 seconds.

I know it's only 3 words but it's a start!

Donald Trump has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize

For real

A man wakes up hungover, with no memory of coming home.

He realizes he's fully clothed in bed. He sees one of the lamps on a bedside table is broken, and he smells like he was sick on himself. He sits up and sees muddy tracks leading to his bed.

The man groans and holds his head, knowing he's going to be in big trouble with his wife. She then e...

An American man seeking peace among the religions of the East found a new guru.

After his new teacher had spoken for an hour on the importance of following one's inner nature along the path, the man interrupted to say: "I thought the idea was to lose one's desires and attain enlightenment."

"No, no," the teacher admonished. "That was Zen. This is Tao."

Finally, i can play Golf in peace.

A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend s...

Finally peace in Korea...

And all it took was the Un and the Moon coming together.

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Why did the horny fish join the Peace Corps?

He wanted to build some schools.

I am opening a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet"

A kid meal is £250

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So this cowboy wants to make peace with Indians

The Chief says:"alright, but first I want to test if you are serious." He points to the three tents in front of them and says:"I want you to complete three tasks.
(1)In the first tent there are 10 bottles of whiskey, I want you to drink them all. (2)Then go into the second tent where you can fin...

When I successfully invade Canada and they offer me lands in a peace treaty...

I’ll take Nunavut.

This was my sisters favorite joke to tell in high school. May she Rest In Peace: What’s the difference between a cactus and a teachers lounge?

The teachers lounge has all the pricks on the inside.

An old man was attending his wife's funeral. The preacher walked up to him and said, "May she rest in peace."

The man replied, "I don't know about her, but I certainly will."

North Korea just announced it will host peace talks...

Between the United States and Canada.

Why is it called white noise?

Because if it wasn’t white, it’d be called disturbing the peace

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