UPJOKE
pistolweaponriflegunshotgunprojectilesmoothborehandgunrevolvergatling gungunpowdercartridgebulletartillerymusket

Firearm Jokes

Alcohol, tobacco and firearms

That shouldn't be the name for a government agency, that should be the theme of a store.

Did you hear about the update to firearm ownership laws in Ukraine?

You can have anything you want, as long as it points at Moscow

What's the opposite of a firearm?

A waterleg

I was going through airport security and I got asked "Do you have any firearms?"

Apparently, "What do you need?" wasn't the right answer.

A woman walks into a firearms store

Shop Keeper: How can I help you?

Woman: Sir, I need a gun so I can shoot my husband

Shop Keeper: there is no way in hell I am selling you a gun for that. That is just so wrong. I’m gonna go to jail if I do! Now get out!

The woman shows him a picture of her husband in bed with th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an angry firearm?

A pissed-tol.

What do you call a firearm made out of salt?

A salt rifle.

Rifling changed firearms forever.

It was revolutionary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I decided to sell some of my guns today

Times are rough, inflation is a bitch, and I need the cash so I decided to sell some of my guns.

I met the buyer at a public location, and being a responsible gun owner I decided to run a background check.

Within 5 minutes I discovered the buyer has a history of extortion, kidnapping, ...

Spiderman began using firearms a few days ago

Everyone told him that it's not a good idea but he is sticking to his guns

My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

People tell me I'm stupid for cleaning my firearms with honey.

But I'm sticking to my guns.

Why should you always keep a loaded firearm in the small room by your front door?

Foyer protection.

Colt joined with ArmaLite to create a new firearm called The Congressional.

But it never works properly and you can't fire it.

Crossing the border the customs officer asked me I had any drugs or firearms, to which I responded...

...what do you need?

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

The Band ACDC was Arrested For Firearm Possession...

They told the officer they only Shoot to Thrill

What do you call the job title of a firearms enthusiast and speechwriter?

A glockenspiel.

What happens when you work as a firearms provider and you don't do your job so well at all?

You get fired

I found a very lucrative deal on the firearms section on Craigslist.

A French MAS36 rifle. Never fired, dropped once.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What is a pornstar’s favorite firearm?

Glock glock glock glock glock

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

John gets pulled over for speeding

John: Howdy officer, is there a problem?

Officer: You were speeding, sir. License and registration

John: Dude, I got no license

Officer: You're driving without a license?

John: hell yeah!

Officer: And registration?

John: I jacked this car!

Officer: Ar...

I suspect my wife has put superglue on all my firearms.

She denies it of course but I’m sticking to my guns!

My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

A man on fire

A man is filling up his car tank with gasoline and accidentally gets some on his hand. He doesn't notice it, so when he gets into his car he lights a cigarette. His arm instantly catches on fire. The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around attempting to blow out the flames cra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little old lady gets pulled over for speeding...

The officer walks up to the car and after a quick greeting takes the documentation she has ready for him.
He notices a license to conceal carry a pistol and he asks, “Ma’am do you have a firearm in the vehicle?”
She replies, “Well yes sir, I do.” The officer smiles a little as this lady was no...

This lady was at the gas station pumping gas and smoking a cigarette when her arm caught fire...

When the police arrived they shot her for waving a firearm.

When I asked the tattoo artist to cover my arms with flames, they refused.

I don't have a firearms permit.

A cop pulls someone over for doing 130 in a 50 zone

"Your drivers licence please" he asks. The man he just pulled over replies "Sorry I can't, it's in the glove box together with an unregistered firearm". "Really? You know that I have to search the vehicle now?"
"Oh please don't, I just shot my coworker and put his corpse in the boot"
The polic...

I saw a woman at the gas station pumping gas and trying to light a cigarette

I went inside to pay and saw two policemen in the store. I said "Did you guys see that woman out there?" They looked outside and suddenly darted out the door. I turn and see she caught her arm on fire

The policemen threw a blanket around her and wrestled her to the ground and put out the fire...

A woman was pumping her gas on an extremely hot day.

As she pulled the nozzle from her car, some splashed on her arm and a random spark ignited the gas. As her arm was burning, she called for help to have someone try to quell the flame before it grew too high. To her luck, a couple police officers walked out from inside the gas station and immediately...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Needing a license to drive a car is fine.

I can understand needing a permit to carry a firearm.



I guess needing a degree to practice medicine makes sense -



But having to register to be a sex offender is just too much.

Why was the department of alcohol tobacco and firearms created?

To regulate the 3 leading causes of death in rural America.

A man was filling up gas in his car when he got some on his jacket

Then he went in the car and lit a cigarette and catches his sleeve on fire. The man, freaking out, gets out of the car and sees a policeman sitting nearby. So he starts waving at him and yelling at him for help, and the cop gets up in a hurry and without a second delay shoots him. The man, now on th...

I was thinking about getting flame tattoos on my wrists, going up.

Then I realized I could never be a teacher.




No firearms allowed in school.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did anybody hear what happened to that guy on the highway?

He pulled up to a gas station to fill up his tank, i guess they were doing maintenance on the pumps and didnt put one back together right, so while he was pumping, the hose popped off the nozzle and started spraying gas all up his arm.

So he went in PISSED. He was cussing, and yelling, eventu...

While filling my car up, I noticed a woman smoking while filling her car up, silly thing to do, but I know better than to confront strangers about their stupidity. I see two cops on the other side of the street, they can see her but they aren't doing anything about it...

Tax dollars in action I guess.

As I am going to pay I hear this screaming behind me, like "I am dying!" type screaming.

I look around and see that this woman's arm is on fire!

She is literally running around the station waving her arm in the air!

The cops jump into action...

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

Why did the cops arrest the man while his hands were burning?

Because he was waving a firearm.

A woman was arrested the other day...

Apparently she was pumping gasoline when she spilled a little fuel on her hand. She was in a big hurry so she wiped it as best she could, paid and went on her way. As she was driving down the highway she lit up a cigarette and her hand ignited. A passing police officer immediately crossed the median...

I saw a woman at the fuel pump spill gasoline on her arm and then light a cigarette.

The police arrested her for waving a firearm.

A woman was at the gas station.

A woman was at the gas station putting gas in her car, while doing that, she spills gas on her arm, she gets back in her car and drives away, she lit a cigarette and her arm catches fire, a cop pulls her over and charges her with illegal firearm, she sped of, a bird hit her windshield then hits th...

Flame tattoos

Looking back at my many tattoos, I’m glad I never did the whole flames on the arms thing. . .

There’s too many places that don’t allow firearms inside.

A beautiful woman was filling her car with gas...

I noticed that she wasn’t paying much attention; she was looking at her phone as she removed the pump from her car and accidentally spilled gasoline on herself.

As she got into her car she pulled out a cigarette and lit it, but the gasoline on her arm set on fire. Luckily, there was a cop a...

This happened just this evening at the grocery store...

I was in the produce section, and happened to notice a rather striking looking woman. We smiled and went about our business, but as I was picking out my green onions, I saw a flash of light, and the woman screamed.

When I turned around, her entire right arm was engulfed in flames! Luckily the...

A cop pulls over a 90 year old woman...

He exits his car and walks up to the old woman's window.

"Do you realize how fast you were going?"

"No." She answers, looking forward, making no eye contact.

"Twice the speed limit! Ma'am, can I see your license and registration?"

"I can't give you my license," she answ...

Stopped by the police

I spilled some gas on my sleeve while gassing up one day. Got back on the highway and lit up a smoke and started my sleeve on fire. I put my arm out the window but the flames did not go away. I sped up to 70 then 80 when I noticed the flashing lights behind me. The cop says "looks like I'm going t...

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

Two gentlemen meet for a duel...

The first gentleman, who challenged the other after being humiliated, is a man of honor. "I am the one who has challenged you. As such, I shall allow you to choose our weapons." He opens a case with two swords and two guns. "Would you like to duel with swords, or guns?"

The second gentleman i...

An old lady was smoking and pumping gas...

Next thing I know, she's running around the parking lot, screaming, with her arm on fire. The cops showed up and arrested her for waving a firearm in public.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Interview joke . National Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine Corps General Reinwald.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We’re going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That’s a bit irresponsible, isn’t it?

...

Ever heard of Spontaneous Human Combustion?

I have a friend named Sally. Well... she's not really a friend, but I knew her in high school. Anyways, one day she went out shopping. As she was strolling through the aisles, her arm caught fire! Just her arm and nothing else. It was a fascinating sight to see. A young woman flailing about the cere...

I was at a gas station...

I was at a gas station filling up my car. Nearby I see a woman smoking a cigarette.

I tell her, “You should stop that it’s dangerous.”

She ignores me and continues smoking.

A few seconds later her arm catches on fire and she starts waving it around trying to put it out.

I...

A man was shot today at my local gas station by two off duty police officers...

From what I have been told, the off duty officers were standing outside the store, enjoying their morning coffee before getting started for the day, when a man, who was pumping gas got a little bit of fuel on his sleeve, and must of had a lit cigarette because all of a sudden his sleeve caught on fi...

Arnold Schwarznegger owned a sporting good store.

Arnold Schwarznegger owned a sporting good store. He was never good with numbers so instead of numbering the aisles, he used a letter system.

One day a customer came in and asked Mr. Schwarznegger where they keep their firearms. Arnold is a smart business man and is concerned for safety. He d...

I pulled into a gas station

As I walked in to buy some coffee, I passed a woman who was smoking while she filled her car with gas.

I passed two police officers, while heading in and I was shaking my head about the stupidity.

When I came out, I see the woman with her arm on fire, screaming and waving it back and f...

The CIA is recruiting three people for a top secret mission. (Long)

Their selection comes down to one final test.

The candidates are brought to a remote, undisclosed location and given a loaded firearm. They receive instructions to walk into an adjacent room and kill the person they see sitting there.

Candidate 1, a highly decorated veteran agent wit...

You will not believe what just happened...

I walked into the store to get a drink...When I walked in I noticed these 2 police officers watching some guy who was smoking while pumping gas.. I saw him & thought, "This guy didn't have any common sense & was he crazy? With the cops right there too?! But anyway, I went in and got my drink...

So the other day I went to get gas at Sheetz...

And as I pull in beside a pump I see this dumbass smoking a cigarette while filling up his tank. I wondered why no one had done anything about it. Even two cops standing outside of their squad car didn’t seem to mind.

So minding my own business I go into the Sheetz to get a coffee, and all o...

Asked my friend to make up a joke about two Canadians and a Bear

A visually impaired Canadian is notified that a bear has broken into his house and is eating all his food.

He hurries home and into the kitchen, where he finds A: his hairy housemate and B: a bear.

But he doesn't know which is which!

"Shoot us both," the housemate says, "it's th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

On safari

3 explorers are out on safari in the jungle. They are a Frenchman, an Englishman, and a New Yorker. As they are chopping through the foliage they get captured by a cannibal tribe.

The cannibal chief says to them, “we will filet your flanks to make our steaks and crush your bones to make our b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cop was patrolling his regular route

when he started to get pretty thirsty. Naturally deciding to stop at his usual convenient store. As he's pulling into the parking lot he sees a woman pumping gas into her car while smoking a cigarette. She was older and maybe a little unstable. The cop dismounts his cruiser and approaches the woman ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A British explorer sets out for an expedition into Africa...

This is a time when Europeans know very, very little about the "cannibalistic African savages," and the African tribesmen know even less about the ways of the white man. So, our explorer comes to Africa, hoping to disperse the clouds of mist, and after having to resort to employing firearms a few ti...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I just wanted a drink.

Stopped at Speedway to buy a drink. When I pulled in, I noticed these two cops watching a woman who was smoking while fueling up. I'm thinking, "Wow...what an idiot! The police are standing right there!"
I go in and get my drink. As I was paying, I hear someone scream, "Look outside!" OMG!! The w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Original Jokes.

A man is speeding down the beach road in Nags Head, NC when a seagull smashes into his windshield. He gets it stuck in the wiper blades trying to get it off, and eventually a cop comes up behind him and hits the cherries and berries. At that moment the seagull flips off the guy's car and smashes int...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Trucker is hauling a B-double with three containers full of computer parts.

It's getting on toward dark, and so he stops at a steakhouse for a bite.


The first thing he sees is a sign on the door:


NO THONGS


NO SINGLETS


NO NERDS


MANAGEMENT RESERVES THE RIGHT TO REFUSE ADMISSION


No nerds? Weird. But whatever...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.