UPJOKE
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I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

Hannibal Lecter is a total freak in the sheets

He'll eat your ass

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The Little Girl & The Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...


A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construct...

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgin" "WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy'...

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

Grandma

Grandma's getting a little hard to understand in her old age. "Ma", we said, "you may be getting dyslexia."

"Lysdexia?", she said, "Don't be diriculous."

We had to put our foot down when she got on the phone to order fitted sheets.

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp.

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.

It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in f...

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An Englishman, an American, and a Japanese are doing white water rafting...

...when all of a sudden, they spot a huge drop to a waterfall they never knew was there. They are moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom... Suddenly a genie appears.

The genie explains that he is the spirit of the waterfall, and he is of limited power. He cannot prevent th...

KGB had trouble with distinguishing Leonid Brezhnev and a spy who was about to impersonate him. Suddenly one of the officers had a great idea.

They told both of them "Say this sentence: Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people."

One of them says "Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people"

The second says "Glory to USSR, our... our... hmmm."

They asked him, why can't he repeat it.

T...

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

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Man goes into a pharmacy

and asks the woman at the counter for a pack of condoms. She asks him what size he needed, and when he answered that he did not know, she directed him go into a room at the side of the counter and try his penis in the three holes in the plywood wall to see which fit the best.

As he made his ...

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New shoes

A young sexy woman went to the mall with her husband and spotted a pair of designer pumps in the window of an upscale shoe store and began staring, imagining how sexy she'd look wearing them…
The husband looked over and saw her and interrupted, "No fucking chance love, they're way too expensive! ...

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Misinterpretation in the sheets

Her: I thought you said you were gonna go pornstar on me

Me: no I said pawn star

Her: what does that even mean

Me: best I can do is 4 inches

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

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Dave walks into a bar...

He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him... and a cat walks in and sits on the other side.

He ushers the barkeep over and asks for a pint, handing over a £5 note.

The Barman has seen some shit in his time, so he is unfazed, and pours a nice cold pint.

Then the s...

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

A woman is in bed with her lover, when they hear her husband get home.

\- Your husband's here! quick, where do I hide? asks the lover.

\- Relax, -says the woman- he's been with his buddies all evening. He's likely so drunk, he won't even notice you're in bed. Just cover yourself with the sheets and wait until he falls asleep.

The husband then opens the...

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I've been taking Viagra for my sunburn at night...

It certainly doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs at night.

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If you shit the bed one more time - I'm throwing your sheets out the window!

An elderly man in an old folks home has had a problem going number 2 in bed. The nurse has to change he sheets every morning so she finally breaks down and yells at him, "If you shit the bed one more time I'm throwing your sheets out the window!"

Well, sure enough, the next morning she finds...

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

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New Treatment For Sunburn!

A guy visiting over here in Puerto Rico fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got a horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs. He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns. With his skin already starting to blister, and the sever...

A boss gives an office worker a job to cut a stack of paper in half and leaves...

Half an hour passes and he returns. He wasn't pleased at what he saw.

"I gave you an order to cut the paper in half!"

"That's what I did but you didn't tell me which way," said the office worker, handing his boss sheets of paper twice as numerous but half as thick.

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

What do you call a iceberg in a ghost sheet?

A polargeist

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

Church service

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

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My Ex-wife Wanted a b00b Job.

In an effort to save money, I told her that taking a few sheets of toilet tissue and rubbing it between her boobs twice a day would make her boobs grow. So my ex did this diligently for 3 months. Finally, after seeing no improvement, she came to me with a look of disappointment on her face. She aske...

Jan goes to the doctor for a diet plan.

Jan is terribly overweight, so the doctor hands over a sheet of paper with a diet on it.

"I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When Jan returns, The doctor's a...

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nurses

Three nurses were working the night shift in a hospital, when they were asked to take a body to the mortuary, they take the body down in the lift and wheeled it into the mortuary, one says “I wonder who it was who died,” they carefully take the sheet off, to find the body of a man in his 20s, with a...

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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

What is a Balance Sheet?

It’s what comes out after eating a balance diet.

A redditor was conducting a scientific experiment...

...on a grasshopper. He placed the grasshopper on a white sheet of paper and with a magnifying glass observed as he gave the command to jump. Hearing the command, the grasshopper jumped. He writes down his observations: "1.When given the command to jump, the grasshopper jumps." Then he cuts the wing...

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

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As a hassid I often get asked if it's true that we only have sex through a hole in a sheet?

But I get confused - how would it work without the hole?

Every night I go to bed with three sheets

One sheet for my wife, one for me and a backup sheet for me for when my wife takes my sheet. Which is why I wake up every morning all groggy and three sheets to the wife.

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

A very rich man is having a very big party on the hottest day of the year

The party features a full big band performance and an open bar. In order to fight the extreme heat, the party is littered with large fans running full blast, inadvertantly causing the musicians to tie the sheet music down to their music stands to prevent them from blowing away. Meanwhile, the bass s...

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

My friends asked me where they could get a decent coffee table and I said I could make one for them for $500. They were delighted and agreed to it. But when I eventually got it to them, they seemed really ungrateful.

I have no idea why, it was fantastic. It rated 100 different types of coffee from 1 -10 and was one of the best spreadsheets I’ve ever made.

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

A Weird Doctor Visit

A beautiful young woman was about to undergo a minor operation.

She was lying on a hospital trolley bed with nothing on, except a sheet over her. The nurse pushed her trolley down the corridor towards the operating theater, where she left the woman on the trolley outside, while she went in t...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

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A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

...

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The Princess Royal is being shown around a military hospital.

As she approaches one of the beds the soldier blushes red and tries to hide under the sheet, but HRH is having none of it, and she asks the RSM showing her round: "What is this man's ailment, sergeant-major?".

"Haemorrhoids, ma'am!" says the RSM crisply. HRH curves a well-mannered eyebrow whi...

A man goes to a music store and starts copying down some sheet music

Clerk: "Sir, are you plagiarising that music?"
Man: "No, I'm just taking some notes"

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

My music teacher taught me how to steal sheet music...

He told me to take notes.

What do you do with your sheets after a wet dream?

Another load.

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A soldier gets his penis blown off in jungle combat and is sent to the closest field hospital

The doctor at the field hospital says sorry son your penis is completely blown off, there is nothing I can do.. well there is something but it would be completely experimental.
The next morning the soldier wakes up and slowly lifts the sheets only to see a baby elephant trunk had been sewn on whe...

Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

I was writing an exam. The invigilator came beside me. He was surprised to see my answer sheet blank.

Invigilator:Why is your answer sheet blank?

Me:Sometimes silence is the best answer.

Husband arguing with wife

This husband was complaining to a buddy that him and his wife were arguing and he hadn’t been home in a few days. His buddy told him what he does when he argued with his wife was to sneak into the house, lift the bottom of the sheets to the bed, and slide up until he was in between his wife’s legs a...

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

What did the abbot say when a monk showed up for an audition with no sheet music?

You've got no chants

Musician Pun

The bass singer accidentally got the soprano's sheet music before a concert. Boy, was he in treble!

Why don’t ghosts go out in public?

Because they look like sheet

Fishing

A young couple rents a cabin for a week on a lake for their honeymoon. As they arrive they are met by an older gentleman who shows them where the fresh sheets are and how to use the fireplace and such. He bids them well and drives off to his home on the other side of the lake.

A week later, a...

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

[NSFW] A Wealthy Surgeon Goes Golfing with His Buddies

Feeling particularly braggadocious, he starts showing off his new Ferrari.



"It cost over $200,000! The interior is amazingly luxurious, and the paint color is a limited edition. Naturally, it's incredibly fast as well."



One of his buddies, a mechanic, asks him if it can...

Once, many many years ago, there was a fad among fast food restaurants

to put historical, sometimes military or industrial items in their front yards as a kind of attraction/plaything; an old howitzer or maybe even a train caboose that kids could inspect or climb on. Sometimes these unlikely things would be decorated with the characters or dishes of the food chain. For...

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

I had a bad experience with Microsoft Excel

I guess you could say, it was a sheet experience.

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I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

Moth Inspector

A man and a woman are getting it on in bed when they hear the front door open. The woman says, "It's my husband! You'd better hide."
She throws his clothes under the bed and he hides behind the curtains. Her husband comes in, sees her all hot and sweaty, and the sheets all messed up. He looks ...

My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

Spread sheets are usually people’s first step into white supremacy

How else do you cut eye holes evenly, with out spreading it out first?

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

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First day of Med School

It is the first day of medical school, and the doctor in charge of the new class has all the new students gather in the main lecture hall for the orientation. Taking his place in front of the group, he starts his speech.

"In order to succeed in the world of medicine, you must first master two...

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet?

The tight end.

What do a tuna, a piano, and a sheet of adhesive paper have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

A Man Calls Home to His Wife...

A Man Calls home to his wife. The Maid answers, "Hello ". The husband asks for his wife. The Maid asks him to hold as she goes to her bedroom. Moments later, the maid returns crying, "Sir, your wife... Your wife is in bed with ANOTHER MAN!". The husband is shocked and doesn't speak for a minute....

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Redneck book of manners.....

1. Never take a beer to a job interview.


2. Always identify people in your yard before shooting at them.


3. It's considered poor taste to take a cooler to church.


4. If you have to vacuum the bed, it is time to change the sheets.


5. Even if you're ...

If there's one thing I've learned from sheet music over the years

It's that a long rest just can't be beat

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Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

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Paddy and Callum

"Paddy, what's the difference between a pussy and a cunt?" asks Callum.

"Look at this," says Paddy, as he lifts the sheets on his naked sleeping wife, "that's a Pussy."

"It's wonderful, can I touch it?" asks Callum

"No Callum" says Paddy. "If you touch the pussy you'll wake up t...

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Scientists claim its impossible to fold a piece of paper 8 times.

They have obviously never seen me wiping my ass when there is only one sheet of toilet paper left.

A man has died after being suffocated under his bed sheets...

The government is now calling for a blanket ban.

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

Why couldn't the redneck dress as a ghost for Halloween?

His daddy had already taken all the white sheets.

Two guys are in a helicopter.

During their flight the helicopter encounters some dense fog and quickly becomes lost. After a few minutes of careful maneuvering, the two find themselves hovering next to a large building where they can see a guy in his office, sitting at his desk. Thinking quickly, the copilot grabs a piece of pap...

My girlfriend is a perfect lady in the streets, but an ANIMAL in the sheet!

I wish she'd told me before we started dating. I'm not into lycanthropy.

Exam By Chance

A young student reported for a final examination that consisted of only true false questions.

The student took a seat in the hall, stared at the test for five minutes, removed a coin from his pocket and started tossing the coin and marking the answer sheet. Heads meant true, tails meant false...

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

A good case for shoes

What's the difference between a linen store, and a nudist with diarrhea?
One has fitted sheets...

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Once I got so sunburned

Once I got so sunburned I went to the ER and they gave me aspirin and Viagra. The aspirin to reduce my fever and the Viagra to help keep the sheets off my legs.

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Sheets

A man and his wife go in to visit their rabbi because she is having trouble achieving an orgasm. After relating this problem to him, the rabbi responds by saying to simply allow a priest to wave a sheet over them while they are having sex.

That night, they try again with the priest waving the...

Imagine you're a millionaire. Write down your activities in a sheet of paper.

Teacher: Why are you not writing anything?

Me: I'm waiting for my secretary.

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Jesus and Moses go Fishing

Jesus and Moses are sitting by a riverbank, fishing, and shooting the shit about the good ol' days.

Moses says, "I had a few great days, but I have to say, that day I parted the Red Sea was the best of them. Man, that was spectacular! You should have seen the look on everyone's faces." ...

How do you entertain a blind kid?

Give them a sheet of sandpaper and tell them it’s a find a word game

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A hippie enters a bus

(long)
A hippie enters a bus and sees a beautiful nun sitting. He sits next to her and says
- I would like to have sex with you
She shouts at him that she is a servant of God and she could not do that and runs out from the bus.
The bus driver who hear the conversation says to the hippie<...

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

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A couple goes to therapy

A couple goes to therapy to discuss their issues.

The therapist asks. So, why are we here today?

The husband quickly try to explain.

So what happened was, that I was cleaning up in the kitchen, while putting something away I spilled a bunch of dried herbs all over the place. My...

My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music.

I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.

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Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Darryl and Gary.

The three men had always done everything together!!!!!

Darryl arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Darryl said, “Yup, his face is burned up pretty bad. You better roll him over.”

The mortician rolled him over, and Darryl said, “Nope, ain’t Bubba.”

The morti...

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