The 87+ Best Sheet Jokes

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

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A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

When he told me he was like Jesus in the sheets, I thought he was going to bring me to heaven...

Turns out it was more like "Behold, I come quickly"

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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.

"That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read." She scolded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"

"Just two words, miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."

I'm shit at maths, too.

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

..............a wizard beneath the sheets!’

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad
man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has
been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak t...

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting

I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

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BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

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A guy chats with his milkman during the weekly daily delivery.

"You should've seen yesterday's party, it was great. There was me, my wife and many couples in the neighborhood. By the end we were completely hammered."

"Oh yeah? How did it go?" The milkman inquires.

"Well, we got so drunk that we got the idea for a little game. The men went into ano...

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

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Misinterpretation in the sheets

Her: I thought you said you were gonna go pornstar on me

Me: no I said pawn star

Her: what does that even mean

Me: best I can do is 4 inches

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

What do you call a iceberg in a ghost sheet?

A polargeist

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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

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I take Viagra for my sun burn...

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs when I sleep.

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

What is a Balance Sheet?

It’s what comes out after eating a balance diet.

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If you shit the bed one more time - I'm throwing your sheets out the window!

An elderly man in an old folks home has had a problem going number 2 in bed. The nurse has to change he sheets every morning so she finally breaks down and yells at him, "If you shit the bed one more time I'm throwing your sheets out the window!"

Well, sure enough, the next morning she finds...

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Three guys are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. Delighted, the genie says "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

The first guy immediately shouts out "I want a billion pounds." *POOF*, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." *POOF*, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now wel...

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As a hassid I often get asked if it's true that we only have sex through a hole in a sheet?

But I get confused - how would it work without the hole?

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!

(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

My music teacher taught me how to steal sheet music...

He told me to take notes.

A man goes to a music store and starts copying down some sheet music

Clerk: "Sir, are you plagiarising that music?"
Man: "No, I'm just taking some notes"

Every night I go to bed with three sheets

One sheet for my wife, one for me and a backup sheet for me for when my wife takes my sheet. Which is why I wake up every morning all groggy and three sheets to the wife.

What did the abbot say when a monk showed up for an audition with no sheet music?

You've got no chants

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

I was writing an exam. The invigilator came beside me. He was surprised to see my answer sheet blank.

Invigilator:Why is your answer sheet blank?

Me:Sometimes silence is the best answer.

What do you do with your sheets after a wet dream?

Another load.

Well, she didn’t lie about being a freak in the sheets.

But she sure does know how to burn a cross

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

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Stanley...

Stanley died in a fire and his body was burned badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best deer hunting friends, Cooter and Gomer. The three men had always hunted and fished together and were long time members of a hunting camp.

Cooter arrived first, a...

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the h...

Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

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I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

What do a tuna, a piano, and a sheet of adhesive paper have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

Spread sheets are usually people’s first step into white supremacy

How else do you cut eye holes evenly, with out spreading it out first?

My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet?

The tight end.

My friend Tom was breaking into a mall from the roof while Aiden was keeping watch. Aiden slipped and fell through a skylight into a large pile of sheets and pillow cases...

Now he's Aiden in bedding

I decided to do some target practice. But instead of my target sheets, I accidentally used my business planner!

Now my whole week is shot.

If there's one thing I've learned from sheet music over the years

It's that a long rest just can't be beat

Global warming is a joke.

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

A close-knit bunch of guys wearing white sheets just invited me to one of their get-togethers.

Risky clique of the day.

My girlfriend is a perfect lady in the streets, but an ANIMAL in the sheet!

I wish she'd told me before we started dating. I'm not into lycanthropy.

An Alabama pastor said to his congregation, “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan. This is a horrible lie. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now, I want the party who said this to stand and ask forgiveness from God ."

No one moved.

The preacher continued, “Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory. Now stand and confess your transgression.”

Again, all were quiet.

Then, slowly, a gorgeous blonde stood up...

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

Imagine you're a millionaire. Write down your activities in a sheet of paper.

Teacher: Why are you not writing anything?

Me: I'm waiting for my secretary.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music.

I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

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a pornstar entering a barber shop, sitting next to a nun

the nun is currently getting her hair done.. meanwhile the pornstar is talking dirty shit about how he would like to have sex with the nun

the nun tries to ignore those words, when her hair is finished, she says she cant do such unspeakable things as a nun, an leaves

the barber then te...

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Sheets

A man and his wife go in to visit their rabbi because she is having trouble achieving an orgasm. After relating this problem to him, the rabbi responds by saying to simply allow a priest to wave a sheet over them while they are having sex.

That night, they try again with the priest waving the...

I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together.

The story was riveting.

I handed a blind guy a sheet of sandpaper.

He said he couldn't read the fine print.

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Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often.

Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself.

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Dirty Sheets

A guy is in the hospital when he gets a phone call from his girlfriend telling him that she's just gotten off work and will be there to see him in about a half hour. He's excited as can be and in his excitement, the hospital meatloaf he had for lunch rears its head in his belly.

He does his b...

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Two Cows

**Edit: Just to make it clear, I am not taking credit for the joke(s). I just merely found it/them whilst browsing around and thought you guys would appreciate it/them.**

SOCIALISM

You have 2 cows.

You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM

You have 2...

Mahatma Gandhi's sass

When Gandhi was studying law at the University College of London, a white professor, whose last name was Peters, disliked him intensely and always displayed prejudice and animosity towards him. Also, because Gandhi never lowered his head when addressing him, as he expected…. there were always “argum...

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Mickey and Minnie Split the Sheets

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

How do you get a guitar player to stop playing?

Put a piece of sheet music in front of him.

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