What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

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I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

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My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

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I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young ...

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I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

A close-knit bunch of guys wearing white sheets just invited me to one of their get-togethers.

Risky clique of the day.

I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

Did you hear about the architect who only had aluminum sheets for stationary?

His plans were foiled.

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

Is there anything better than sleeping on freshly washed sheets?

It might be my favourite day of the year.

How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

A man has died after being suffocated under his bed sheets...

The government is now calling for a blanket ban.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

If there's one thing I've learned from sheet music over the years

It's that a long rest just can't be beat

Hey girl are you proficient in Excel?

Cause I need your help spreadin’ some sheets.

Did you hear the joke about the ghost?

It was a piece of sheet.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

What size sheets does someone with a gambling addiction use?

Double or nothing

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constru...

Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

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I decided to conduct a study on how to use as few sheets of toilet paper as possible when wiping your ass

Yesterday I had a breakthrough

My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music.

I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

How can you tell if a ghost has had too much to drink?

They look all sheet-faced.

What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet?

The tight end.

My girlfriend is a perfect lady in the streets, but an ANIMAL in the sheet!

I wish she'd told me before we started dating. I'm not into lycanthropy.

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fol...

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

What do a tuna, a piano, and a sheet of adhesive paper have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

Another blonde joke

A blonde reports for her university final exam. The exam consists mainly of true or false questions. 

She takes her seat in the examination hall, stares at the question paper for five minutes, and then in a fit of inspiration takes her purse out, removes a coin and starts tossing the coin. Sh...

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Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

How do you put on a fitted bed sheet correctly the first time?

Step 1: Wrong.

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

What did the KKK member say when asked how he keeps his sheets so white?

I scare the coloreds away

Imagine you're a millionaire. Write down your activities in a sheet of paper.

Teacher: Why are you not writing anything?

Me: I'm waiting for my secretary.

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Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often.

Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself.

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A janitor at a church is minding his own business cleaning the floors when the priest runs to him telling him he needs help

The priest says to the janitor
“J I need your help, I have to run an errand really quick but I need you to fill in for me for confessions.” J says, “Father I cant I don’t know what to assign for punishments or pennants.
Father replies saying, “Its fine there’s a sheet in there that will tel...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:

"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

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My music teacher was arrested for sticking his dick through a sheet of music

Apparently, it's illegal to have sex with A minor

Why did the zombie start ripping up sheet music?

Because he was de-composing.

Roadside sobriety tests are getting ridiculous!

Last night I had to fold a fitted sheet!!

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

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One Monday morning the postman was walking through the neighborhood on his usual route delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway.

His wonder was cut short by Dave, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Dave, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last nig...

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Dirty Sheets

A guy is in the hospital when he gets a phone call from his girlfriend telling him that she's just gotten off work and will be there to see him in about a half hour. He's excited as can be and in his excitement, the hospital meatloaf he had for lunch rears its head in his belly.

He does his b...

I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together.

The story was riveting.

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A man decides it's time for a night of romance...

... So before his wife gets home he puts on the nice silky sheets, lights a bunch of candles and puts on his robe. When she comes home he leads her into the bedroom and they start going at it.

All of the sudden Little Timmy walks in and screams "oh my God" before running out. The husband says...

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Sheets

A man and his wife go in to visit their rabbi because she is having trouble achieving an orgasm. After relating this problem to him, the rabbi responds by saying to simply allow a priest to wave a sheet over them while they are having sex.

That night, they try again with the priest waving the...

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Mickey and Minnie Split the Sheets

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

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I found my daughters diary and read it.

So I've been trying to get my daughter to clean up her room for a long while now, all to no avail. So yesterday when she went out, I decided that I would do it.

For the most part it was just typical teenage mess, clothes everywhere, the occasional food wrapper. However when i was cleaning out...

Ladder to Success

A man falls asleep one night with depressing thoughts of his failures in life; never has he been able to provide for his family what he wants them to have. He wakes up the next morning on the floor of a room with only a white painted ceiling and floor. No walls. Just clouds as far as he can see. In ...

Laziness is the engine of progress.

The accountant printed out 50 absolutely clean sheets on the printer. To the question “Why?”, she replied that she needed 50 blank sheets, and she did not want to count them manually.

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

I handed a blind guy a sheet of sandpaper.

He said he couldn't read the fine print.

Three men go to hell

Three men go to hell and the Devil offers them all a second chance on earth as long as they can out smart him. The first man steps up and says "I'm gonna melt this block of cheese and I bet you can't put it back together." The man melts the cheese and the Devil puts his hands over it, turning it bac...

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.

"Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak this falsehood to my face, so I call upon them to stand up now before you ...

Dental Forms

At the dentist's office for oral surgery, I was handed a couple of forms to fill out. As I signed the first one, I joked with the receptionist, "Does this say that even if you pull my head completely off, I can't sue you?"

"No, that's the next sheet. This one says you still have to pay us."

A concert pianist makes mistakes during a performance

Over and over the renowned musician kept making little blunders here and there, and critics in the audience were very aware. After the recital, one commentator said, "no disrespect, but you played everything from memory and had quite a few slip-ups. Just having a bad night?"


Looking a lit...

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A french pastry chef asked his apprentice to bake a shit cake.

After the cake was done, the pastry chef came back gagging.

I said a sheet cake! A sheet cake!

Where does a vampire go to buy his sheets and towels?

Bloodbath&Beyond

What do you do after you eat gravel?

Sheetrock. For those keeping track at home, yes I repurposed a sheet metal joke from a post on another sub a couple days ago but I worked in construction and this made more sense to me.

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

What happens in the bedroom stays in the bedroom

At least until you wash the sheets

What do David Duke and Johnny Sins have in common?

They are both wizards under the sheets.

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Acute Angina

An elderly man and woman in a nursing home decide to get married. On the wedding night the man goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed. The woman quickly takes all of her clothes off and gets into bed pulling the sheet up just under her breasts. The man comes out of the bathroom and is a litt...

Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionall...

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A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

What did the Catholic Church say when they first saw the Shroud of Turin?

“Holy sheet!”

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

Normal People: "Alright, time to go to bed."

Insomniacs: "Let's yeet these sheets!"

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before gett...

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:

*Newton*

Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was hi...

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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...