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Sheet Jokes

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The teacher looked disappointed, as she handed back my F-marked exam sheet.

"That is possibly the worst English paper I have ever tried to read." She scolded. "Have you anything to say for yourself?"


"Just two words, miss," I replied. "Go fuck yourself."


I'm shit at maths, too.

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A mailman is delivering the mail to one of the houses on his route when he and the woman who lives there begin chatting. As the conversation continues, he notices a sheet hanging up in the middle of the living room with a small hole in it.

The mailman says, “So, may I ask what’s with the sheet hanging up?” She says, “Ahh yes. Last night we had a bunch of folks over and decided to play a game. The men got on one side of the sheet and the women got on the other. The men took turns putting their cocks in the hole and then the women would...

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BREAKING NEWS! Viagra as treatment for sunburns...

It doesn't cure it but it sure keeps the sheets off of your legs at night...

I let go a silent fart in bed last night and gently lifted the sheet to let it escape, my wife shrieked 'Oh my god, that's disgusting! My eyes are watering'...

Must have been bad, she was downstairs at the time

..............a wizard beneath the sheets!’

A Southern Baptist minister was addressing his congregation.
‘Today I am a sad man. And I’m gonna tell you why I am a sad
man. I am a sad man because a member of this church has
been spreading the word that I am a member of the Ku Klux
Klan. That person has not had the courage to speak t...

A guy driving a Kia.

A guy driving a Kia pulls up at a stoplight next to a Rolls-Royce...

The driver of the Kia rolls down his window and shouts to the driver of the Rolls, "Hey, buddy, that’s a nice car. You got Wi-Fi in your Rolls? I’ve got Wi-Fi in my Kia!"

The driver of the Rolls looks over and says s...

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There's no formal training for prostitutes.

They pick it up in the sheets.

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A man dies in a car accident

A man named Burt is killed in a car accident, and his face
is mangled beyond recognition.

Because he has no family, his two drinking buddies are
summoned to the hospital to identify his body.

The nurse removes the sheet from his body, and upon
seeing his disfigured face, the t...

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[NSFW] [Long]A newly wed couple movies in with each other for the first time...

A newly wed couple moves in with each other for the first time and are going through the normal aches and pains of learning to live with someone new.

For the most part, everything is going well. No big disagreements, a couple of small annoying habits, but nothing major. Though, after several ...

Why did the trick or treater lose his ghost costume?

Someone scared the sheet out of him

The police are saying I "assaulted" some guy with a sheet of sandpaper.

But I only roughed him up a bit.

Horrible lie

The preacher rose with a red face. “Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the K.K.K. This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this. Now I want the party who did this to stand and ask forgiv...

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A cook gets married and the bride is a virgin.

On the wedding night, she cowers under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in bed and tries to gently reassure her.

“Darling,” he says, “I know this is your first time and you are very frightened but I promise you, I'll give you anyting you want, I'll do anyting you want. What ...

A young college student had stayed up all night studying for his zoology test the next day. As he entered the classroom, he saw ten stands with ten sheets over each bird and only the legs showing...

... He sat right in the front row because he wanted to do the best job possible. The professor announced that the test would be to look at each set of bird legs and give the common name, habitat, genus, species, and identifying characteristic.

The student looked at each set of bird legs. They...

A man gets up early Sunday morning

He goes downstairs, puts on his bike gear, takes his bike in the garage but when he opens the door he notices it is pouring. Bummed out, he puts his bike back, undresses, goes back upstairs and crawls back under the sheets, spoons his wife and whispers: "Awful weather outside" And his wife goes: "Ha...

Police pulls over a car driving 15 mph in a 70 mph speed zone

It was an older woman driving. He asks her why she was driving slow.

She says - "I saw a sign that said I-15, so I thought the speed limit was 15 mph"

Officer - "That is the sign for the Interstate 15. The speed limit is 70 mph on this road"

Then he notices 3 other older ladies ...

I just shot my protein all over my desk, pants, floor and my sheets nearby even though my hand was covering the tip.

Note to self, don't mix whey protein with sparkling water, it will explode.

Ever seen a blacksmith join two metal sheets?

It's riveting

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First-year students at Med School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor started the class by telling them,

"In medicine, it is necessary to have 2 important qualities as a doctor: The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body." As an example, the Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck his finger in his mouth.
...

Fitted sheets were originally invented in 1682 in Salem, MA.

Unfortunately, they didn't catch on at that time since anyone who could actually fold them was accused of witchcraft and subsequently burned at the stake.

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Little Johnnie Strikes Again

A new grade school teacher was trying to get acquainted with her class, by asking them what their parents did. She started with Billy, who said that his mother was a doctor.

"Very good, Billy," the teacher said. "Mary, I believe you're next."

Mary stood and said, "My daddy's a lawyer...

What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet.

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Another guy comes home from work to find his wife very upset....

"Honey, what's the matter?" he asks.

"This!" she says, pulling out a stack of heavy duty S&M porn magazines, you know, the really hardcore German stuff with whips, chains, leather suits & ball gags. "I found these in our son's room when I was changing the sheets. What are we going to ...

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

What's the best way to move 300 sheets of dry wall.

Just a little dumb funny thing my boss told me one day. When I first started construction I had to move 300 sheets of dry wall. After about 50 I asked him

"What's the best way to move all this dry wall?"

He said "hire someone else to do it for way less then what it's worth."

I s...

A hospital administrator is showing a new nurse the layout of the ward.

They walk through a room with six beds separated by dividers. As they pass by the first two rows, the nurse sees four sleeping patients, but on passing the third row the nurse sees a lizard in one of the beds and gives out a startled yelp.

Noticing that none of the patients woke up and that t...

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like sheet

What happens when you put a drier sheet in the washing machine?

It becomes a wetter sheet.

(original joke. Can't find it anywhere)

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Misinterpretation in the sheets

Her: I thought you said you were gonna go pornstar on me

Me: no I said pawn star

Her: what does that even mean

Me: best I can do is 4 inches

Today my math teacher showed us how a lazy dog is the same as a sheet of paper.

A lazy dog is a slow pup.

A slope up is an inclined plane.

An ink lined plane is a sheet of paper.

The consultant dies and goes to heaven

When he meets Peter at the Gate, he protests:

'I am only 53, why did you take me so early?'

'You're 83, Peter replied, it was time.'

'How did you get that number, I know I am 53 and I have my birth certificate to prove it,' the consultant replied.

'We added up your time s...

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

Watched this TV show called "How To Get Out Of Bed"

Exciting stuff...I was on the edge of my sheet

Why do French ghosts smell so bad?

Zay are, ow you say, "covered in sheet".

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If you shit the bed one more time - I'm throwing your sheets out the window!

An elderly man in an old folks home has had a problem going number 2 in bed. The nurse has to change he sheets every morning so she finally breaks down and yells at him, "If you shit the bed one more time I'm throwing your sheets out the window!"

Well, sure enough, the next morning she finds...

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Little Girl And Construction Workers

Here's a heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little girl and some construction workers. This will make you believe that we CAN make a difference when we give a child the gift of your time...

A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot. One day, a construction cr...

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I am going to start a business selling toilet paper by the sheet,

I am trying to decide whether to call it "SheetLoad" or "ButtCoin."

Do you really enjoy joining pieces of sheet metal together all day long?

Yes, it's riveting.

How do frogs fasten sheet metal?

Ribbets

What do you call a iceberg in a ghost sheet?

A polargeist

I like to write PUN on a sheet of paper and then rip it in half because...

My puns are tearable.

How do you know when a drummer is knocking on your door? (What are your favorite musician jokes?)

The knocking gets faster as it goes on.



You hear a knock on your door, you open it to find a bass player standing there. What do you do?

Pay him for the pizza!



Two drummers walk past a bar...



How do you get a guitar player to play softer?
Put ...

What is a Balance Sheet?

It’s what comes out after eating a balance diet.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

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As a hassid I often get asked if it's true that we only have sex through a hole in a sheet?

But I get confused - how would it work without the hole?

A lawyer dies, and somehow manages to go to heaven

When he gets there, he's greeted by St. Peter himself. The lawyer says, "What happened? I wasn't in an accident and I'm too young to die. I'm only 52!"

St. Peter says, "Nope, by our records, you are 84, and that's a pretty good life."

The lawyer yells, "84! How did you figure that?...

KGB had trouble with distinguishing Leonid Brezhnev and a spy who was about to impersonate him. Suddenly one of the officers had a great idea.

They told both of them "Say this sentence: Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people."

One of them says "Glory to USSR, our Motherland, the country of the people"

The second says "Glory to USSR, our... our... hmmm."

They asked him, why can't he repeat it.

T...

"An education doesn't mean anything!" my wife shouted. "It's just sheets of paper."

"So is a dictionary," I replied, "but that means quite a lot."

One gardener asks another for advice about putting down sod

“Can you help me with this? I’m not sure what I’m doing wrong. I keep trying to lay this sod down, but I can’t get it to lay flat,” he confessed.

The other gardener observed as he attempted to lay down the sheet of grass and came to a helpful conclusion.

The gardener explained, “Well, ...

Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

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Another toilet paper run. Hoarders fighting in the store. I’ve finally had enough. I’ve been buying dryer sheets...

My butt smells like lavender, there’s no more static electricity,...

And my old ass, for the first time in many years is wrinkle free!



(Credit Gail Thomas, Grandma’s Funnies)

Clown Statue

A couple with children were trying out a new babysitter. About an hour after they left for a night on the town, they realized they had forgotten to give her their cell phone number, so one of them called her.

After she wrote down the number, the babysitter asked if she could watch satellite...

I was really embarrassed when my wife walked in on me playing with my son’s train set by myself, so in a moment of panic, I threw a bed sheet over it...

I think I managed to cover my tracks...

My 7year old just asked me... Have you heard the joke about the sheet of paper ?

Nevermind, it's tearable.

Every night I go to bed with three sheets

One sheet for my wife, one for me and a backup sheet for me for when my wife takes my sheet. Which is why I wake up every morning all groggy and three sheets to the wife.

My music teacher taught me how to steal sheet music...

He told me to take notes.

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I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

Came home with marksheet

During my school days, I came home with a mark sheet showing 90 marks scored by me in an exam hoping to get compliments from my Dad.

However, once my dad took a glance of it, he said I added the 0 on the Mark Sheet to make it 90 and whacked me to kingdom heaven.

I told him honestly t...

A man goes to a music store and starts copying down some sheet music

Clerk: "Sir, are you plagiarising that music?"
Man: "No, I'm just taking some notes"

What do you do with your sheets after a wet dream?

Another load.

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

My pet viper swallowed a sheet of window glass causing the snake severe physical discomfort.

It was a real pane in the asp.

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I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

I was writing an exam. The invigilator came beside me. He was surprised to see my answer sheet blank.

Invigilator:Why is your answer sheet blank?

Me:Sometimes silence is the best answer.

What did the abbot say when a monk showed up for an audition with no sheet music?

You've got no chants

is this funny?

****THE TOILET SEAT****

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came home and undressed to t...

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

I thought I saw a sheet of metal working out

It was just a curling iron

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Molly gets Paddy to stop drinking

Paddy was a terrible drunkard, and Molly had just about had her fill. One day when Paddy was passed out, Molly asked the doctor if he could say something to make him stop drinking. So when Paddy woke up, the doctor said "now Paddy, if you keep drinking like this, your guts are going to fall out an...

Fitted sheets were the original USB plug

You put it on and it’s wrong. You turn it once and it’s still wrong. You turn it back and then it’s right.

What do Wilt Chamberlain and David Duke have in common?

They were both wizards under the sheets

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An Englishman, an American and a Japanese guy are on a boat, moments away from plunging over a waterfall to their doom...

Suddenly a genie appears. The genie explains that he is of limited power. He cannot prevent their inevitable deaths, but he can grant each man one wish before he dies.

The American steps up first. 'I love my country. Before I die I want to sing my national anthem one last time. The full versi...

What do a tuna, a piano, and a sheet of adhesive paper have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet?

The tight end.

My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

Is there anything better than sleeping on freshly washed sheets?

It might be my favourite day of the year.

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

Spread sheets are usually people’s first step into white supremacy

How else do you cut eye holes evenly, with out spreading it out first?

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Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

Little Johnny goes to school one day.

As a 3rd grader, the day is pretty uneventful. However, when he takes a break for recess, he sees all of the kids gathered in a circle around his best friend Jimmy.

Wanting to see what all of the fuss is about, he pushes his was through, and sees he friend standing there proudly with his shi...

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Cows and ideologies (long)

SOCIALISM
You have 2 cows.
You give one to your neighbour

COMMUNISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and gives you some milk

FASCISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and sells you some milk

NAZISM
You have 2 cows.
The State takes both and shoots...

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgin" "WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her daddy'...

If there's one thing I've learned from sheet music over the years

It's that a long rest just can't be beat

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A 90 year old man is getting checked by his doctor

after the checkup the doctor sais "I heard that you have a new girlfriend, and at your age"

The old man answers "yes, she's only 19 years old, and a beast in the sheets. We have Sex thrice a day and it's always great!"

The Doctor, surprised, comments "You know, Sex is hard work for the...

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

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Man goes into a pharmacy

and asks the woman at the counter for a pack of condoms. She asks him what size he needed, and when he answered that he did not know, she directed him go into a room at the side of the counter and try his penis in the three holes in the plywood wall to see which fit the best.

As he made his ...

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Dave walks into a bar...

He sits down; Then a Stork walks in, and sits next to him... and a cat walks in and sits on the other side.

He ushers the barkeep over and asks for a pint, handing over a £5 note.

The Barman has seen some shit in his time, so he is unfazed, and pours a nice cold pint.

Then the s...

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A woman was reading Cosmo next to her husband…

“Walter,” she said.

Walter grunted; she continued “Let me read you this hot sex tip I just read in Cosmo. I think we should try it.”

“Girls, you know your boy toy has fun with you in the bedroom, and that he’s never going to complain. But even the hunkiest hunk can get tired of the...

A man has died after being suffocated under his bed sheets...

The government is now calling for a blanket ban.

I decided to do some target practice. But instead of my target sheets, I accidentally used my business planner!

Now my whole week is shot.

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Osho's duck joke

A farmer was dying and told his 3 sons his estate plan: whichever son sold a duck for the highest price would inherit the farm.

The first son sold a duck at market for $15.

The second sold his duck to a neighbor for $18.

The third son wandered along a road with his duck when a l...

My girlfriend is a perfect lady in the streets, but an ANIMAL in the sheet!

I wish she'd told me before we started dating. I'm not into lycanthropy.

A man dies and goes to hell.

Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.


At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil ...

Grandma

Grandma's getting a little hard to understand in her old age. "Ma", we said, "you may be getting dyslexia."

"Lysdexia?", she said, "Don't be diriculous."

We had to put our foot down when she got on the phone to order fitted sheets.

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Sheets

A man and his wife go in to visit their rabbi because she is having trouble achieving an orgasm. After relating this problem to him, the rabbi responds by saying to simply allow a priest to wave a sheet over them while they are having sex.

That night, they try again with the priest waving the...

A woman is in bed with her lover, when they hear her husband get home.

\- Your husband's here! quick, where do I hide? asks the lover.

\- Relax, -says the woman- he's been with his buddies all evening. He's likely so drunk, he won't even notice you're in bed. Just cover yourself with the sheets and wait until he falls asleep.

The husband then opens the...

Imagine you're a millionaire. Write down your activities in a sheet of paper.

Teacher: Why are you not writing anything?

Me: I'm waiting for my secretary.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

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