What did the blanket say when it fell off the bed?

Oh sheet

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My wife thought it would be kinky if she put a whole sheet of glass in my butt.

I told her, "No way, that would be a massive pane in the ass."

A huge thank you to my neighbour, who lent me her large sheet of plastic covering.

Ta Pauline!

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I found my best friend hiding under the bed sheets with my wife when I got home from work.

"What are you doing?" I asked.

He said, "Oh, I was just trying to get some sleep."

"You live next door," I replied. "How many fucking times do I have to remind you?"

I woke up with a really stiff neck. I got out of bed, went to the bathroom and looked in the mirror, my face was white as a sheet! i had a big red nose, bright red fuzzy hair and a really tiny bowler hat on top. I turned on the tap and glitter poured out. Then i realised what had happened..

I slept funny.

A close-knit bunch of guys wearing white sheets just invited me to one of their get-togethers.

Risky clique of the day.

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An man was in the hospital for a series of tests...

... the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and paced frantically trying to think of a plan. Knowing his cute young ...

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I've started using Viagra to treat my sunburn.

It doesn't do anything for the burns, but it does a good job of keeping the sheets off my legs.

Did you hear the joke about the ghost?

It was a piece of sheet.

I'm giving up spreadsheets for forty days

Excellent.

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After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft...

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I'm taking Viagra for my sunburn

It doesn't cure it, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

My wife complains I use too much toilet paper and I should only use three sheets.

Now she complains that the bed linen stinks.

How do you make a gingerbread man’s bed?

With a cookie sheet.

Direct from the lips of my 4yo daughter. I almost died laughing. I was expecting something ridiculous.

Someone tried to steal my silk sheets and replace them with a cheaper fabric.

Not today, satin.

Not today.

Yesterday I lost 100 sheets of sandpaper...

But I have a rough idea where they are

If there's one thing I've learned from sheet music over the years

It's that a long rest just can't be beat

Hey girl are you proficient in Excel?

Cause I need your help spreadin’ some sheets.

What size sheets does someone with a gambling addiction use?

Double or nothing

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

A new recruit in the military was looking for a sheet of paper

He would look for a particular sheet of paper no matter the day and weather. He refused to tell anyone what the sheet of paper was about, so after a week of this recruit searching high and low for the sheet of paper, the psychiatrist declared him mentally challenged and discharged him from the milit...

I hear Harvey Weinstein's call sheet has been blowing up lately.

Apparently the Republican Party wants him to run for President.

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constru...

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I decided to conduct a study on how to use as few sheets of toilet paper as possible when wiping your ass

Yesterday I had a breakthrough

A man dies and goes to hell. Once there, he finds that there is a different hell for each country, so he tries to seek out the least painful one.

At the door to German Hell, he is told: "First they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for another hour. Then the German devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day."

He does not like the sound of that, so he checks out American Hell, Russia...

My band director wanted to throw a "taping" party to organize our sheets of music.

I told him that I'll bring the Scotch.

Climate change is such a joke...

Even the Antarctic ice sheets are cracking up.

Three americans are competing to paint a foreign flag on a white sheet of canvas ...

The three are given only 30 minutes to complete their assignment.

The first student decides to paint Germany's flag, the second will paint the United Kingdom's, and the third Hungary's.

The first and second are already making good progress. The third's about to take his first brush str...

How can you tell if a ghost has had too much to drink?

They look all sheet-faced.

What's Aaron Hernandez's favorite part of a bed sheet?

The tight end.

My girlfriend is a perfect lady in the streets, but an ANIMAL in the sheet!

I wish she'd told me before we started dating. I'm not into lycanthropy.

A man throws a dollar coin into a wishing well...

and a genie pops out. The genie tells him "You have thrown the largest money value into this well since it has been built. You may have one wish."

"I want a dragon."

"Are you sure? That's... pretty big, and would probably give me away. Anything else?"

"I want to learn how to fol...

What do a tuna, a piano, and a sheet of adhesive paper have in common?

You can tuna piano, but you can't piano a tuna!

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Catharine Zeta Jones gets naked, ties a red sheet around around her neck

runs into the bedroom, jumps up on the bed and yells "super pussy". Michael rolls over and says "Think I'll take the soup."

How do you put on a fitted bed sheet correctly the first time?

Step 1: Wrong.

I'm going to open up a store that only sells two bed covers and two snorkels.

Just four sheets and goggles.

Alan Loved his tractors

Alan has been a fan of tractors since he was a young boy. He grew up on a farm and was obsessed with the giant machines. He ate, slept and drank tractors, his room was covered with posters of them, bed sheets, t-shirts, the whole works.

He met a girl, fell in love and eventually got married....

Why did the kid get in trouble for wearing a bed sheet ghost costume?

He wore a pointy hat underneath.

I knew my camping holiday was doomed when I saw the people at the next pitch struggling with a torn ground sheet and bent pegs.

It was a portent.

What did the KKK member say when asked how he keeps his sheets so white?

I scare the coloreds away

Imagine you're a millionaire. Write down your activities in a sheet of paper.

Teacher: Why are you not writing anything?

Me: I'm waiting for my secretary.

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Ever since my son got his first girlfriend, I've been changing the bed sheets much more often.

Whenever I imagine him knocking her up, I shit myself.

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3 guys are hiking through the woods when they find a lamp

One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie.
It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

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My music teacher was arrested for sticking his dick through a sheet of music

Apparently, it's illegal to have sex with A minor

Why did the zombie start ripping up sheet music?

Because he was de-composing.

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Mickey and Minnie Split the Sheets

Mickey Mouse is in court, trying to get a divorce from Minnie... "Mr. Mouse", says the judge, "I'm afraid you can't get a divorce just because your wife is a little strange."

"I didn't say she was a little strange, I said she was fucking Goofy".

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Stanley was killed in a freak explosion in his garage...

There was nothing Stanley liked better than drinking beer, smoking cigarettes, and hunting. At least twice a week, Stanley went out in the woods with his hunting buddies Cletus and Jimmy. They never shot much, but they always had a few cases handy and always had a good time. They were practically in...

I read a metalworking book on how to attach two pieces of sheet metal together.

The story was riveting.

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Dirty Sheets

A guy is in the hospital when he gets a phone call from his girlfriend telling him that she's just gotten off work and will be there to see him in about a half hour. He's excited as can be and in his excitement, the hospital meatloaf he had for lunch rears its head in his belly.

He does his b...

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Sheets

A man and his wife go in to visit their rabbi because she is having trouble achieving an orgasm. After relating this problem to him, the rabbi responds by saying to simply allow a priest to wave a sheet over them while they are having sex.

That night, they try again with the priest waving the...

What do you do after you eat gravel?

Sheetrock. For those keeping track at home, yes I repurposed a sheet metal joke from a post on another sub a couple days ago but I worked in construction and this made more sense to me.

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I found my daughters diary and read it.

So I've been trying to get my daughter to clean up her room for a long while now, all to no avail. So yesterday when she went out, I decided that I would do it.

For the most part it was just typical teenage mess, clothes everywhere, the occasional food wrapper. However when i was cleaning out...

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant

I went for lunch at an Indian restaurant and encountered a strange old man sitting at a small table near the door. The old man had at the table with him a glue stick and a few sheets of construction paper and he seemed to be engaged in some kinds of arts-and-crafts project. The waitstaff occasionall...

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A priest needs to go to the bathroom, but it's a busy day so he asks an altar boy to work the confessional for a little while...

The priest tells the boy, "don't worry, all the sins and their punishments are listed inside on the wall."

So the altar boy goes in. The first confessor, a woman enters. "Bless me father for I have sinned: I gave my boyfriend a blowjob."

The altar boy is looking on the punishment sheet...

Things you can say about your washing machine that you can't to say about your girlfriend

"She can fit four loads inside her."

"Sometimes she gets really noisy during the spin cycle."

"If I leave it inside her too long, it starts to smell funny. "

"Got her half off, she was a steal!"

"She always leaves my sheets soaked. "

"I've lost so many socks inside...

What did the Catholic Church say when they first saw the Shroud of Turin?

“Holy sheet!”

Did you hear they're going to print the Daily Mail on A1 sheets?

It's pretty big news.

THE TOILET SEAT

My wife, Judy, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet.

Finally, I got around to doing it while Judy was out.

After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned.

She came in and undressed to take a shower. Before gett...

My baby made the bed all by himself....

Unfortunately, he used a big brown sheet.

What is the difference between a piece of fabric with elastic around the edges, designed to go on a bed, and an unexpected bout of diarrhea when wearing sandals?

One is a fitted sheet...

Square Enix, Ubisoft, EA and Valve are all in class.

They're all taking a quiz. The teacher tells them that'll have 60 minutes to complete the quiz and that they'll be graded immediately. An hour later, the teacher collects their test sheets and begins grading.

Square Enix answered every question correctly, even the extra credit essay question...

What happens when you eat aluminum foil?

You sheet metal

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Acute Angina

An elderly man and woman in a nursing home decide to get married. On the wedding night the man goes into the bathroom to get ready for bed. The woman quickly takes all of her clothes off and gets into bed pulling the sheet up just under her breasts. The man comes out of the bathroom and is a litt...

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I got really badly sunburnt yesterday so i took some viagra...

...it didnt help the sunburn any but it kept the sheets off me.

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A redneck is on his honeymoon about to make love, when his wife says...

"Wait, honey, there's somethin' I need you to know. I'm a virgirn"
"WHAT THE FUCK?" The man shouts, and he punches her in the face, knocks her out. He wraps her in the bedsheets, drags her down the stairs and out the door, throws her into the back of his pickup truck, and drives on over to her da...

Newton [Long]

A man called Newton goes to a Chinese restaurant. He orders some fortune cookies. When they arrive, he opens one and sees what's in it. Only one word is written:

*Newton*

Newton raises his eyes in a mixture of confusion and surprise. How the hell did that coincidence happen? Why was hi...

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The Promotion (long)

“Spend $100 or more and get a free 20 pound or less frozen turkey, while supplies last.

That was the promotion our store ran every Thanksgiving for the last 17 years. Well, for as long as I’ve been here, that is.

But not this year

This year, we’re not running a promotion. I real...

A German friend told me this one. A couple went to an exotic island for a vacation.

They booked at a local hotel. Inside, there was a native waiter, who seemed very eager but had a strong accent.

Everything was fine until the couple went down for dinner. The girlfriend had dropped her fork. The waiter immediately saw this and asked them, "Do you want a f\*ck?"

The cou...

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The dead cow lecture

First-year students at the Vet School were attending their first anatomy class with a real dead cow. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor started the class by telling them, "In Veterinary medicine it is necessary to have two import...

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A mortician needed to identify a body, so he requested the help of the deceased's two good friends.

Paddy died in a fire and was burnt pretty badly. So the morgue needed someone to identify the body. His two best friends, Seamus and Sean, were sent for. Seamus went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet.

Seamus said "Yup, he's burnt pretty bad. Roll him over".

So the mortician ro...

Bach was a legendary composer with 20 kids.........

I guess that qualifies him as being a freak in the sheets and on the sheets.....

What does a gingerbread man put on his bed?

Cookie sheets.

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Bubba got drunk and died in a fire in his trailer.

He was so badly burned that the morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they called his two buddies Jim-Bob and Billy-Joe to I.D. him.

Jim-Bob went in and the mortician pulled back the sheet. "Yep, he's got burned up purdy bad. Roll 'im over," said Jim-Bob.

The mortician rolled ...

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A virile, middle-aged, Italian man

was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde. Things progressed to the point where he invited her back to his apartment.

After a while they retired to his bedroom where he 'rattled' her in spectacular fashion. After a smoke and brief interlude...

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A medical student was in the morgue one day after classes

getting a little practice in before the final exams. He went over to a table where a body was lying face down. He removed the sheet over the body and to his surprise he found a cork in the corpse's rectum. Figuring this was fairly unusual, he pulled the cork out, and to his surprise, music began pla...

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A man joins an order of Monks.

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Ok" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the he...

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No Nut November.

Guess it prepares me for Dick Devouring December, Johnson Jumping January, Fuck Frenzy February, Manic Masturbation March, All Anal April, My Magical May, Just Jizz June, Jimmy Jacking July, Arse Adventure August, Stained Sheets September and my all time favourite Oral Only October.

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A man goes to the hospital for a routine operation.

He goes under, and comes to alone in a hospital bed with an IV. Moving around, he notices the white hospital sheets are covered with shit. He literally shit the bed. Completely embarrassed and panicking about what the nurses will say, he takes them off the bed and tosses them out the window onto the...