A music joke someone made in my composition class. How do you know you're kissing a french horn player?

You know because she has her fist up your ass.

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A mean English teacher asks his students to write a composition.

The composition has to include the following topics: religion, sex, monarchy, and mystery. You have 30 minutes.

After 20 seconds, Johnny puts his paper on the teacher's desk and leaves. The teacher picks up the paper and reads:

"My God, someone fucked the queen, who was it?"

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[Long] A man goes to a monastery in the middle of the Himalayas.

The man went to this monastery, because he wanted a break from the busy life of the city. Let's call him Dave.

Since they were in the middle of nowhere, and since he was going to be here a while, he decided to get to know some of the monks there. Apparently he hadn't been the first one to com...

Jimmy, your composition "My Dog" is the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?

No, sir. It's the same dog.

Movement

So I was on the toilet for so long my movement became a fully fledged composition

What do Beethoven's Ninth Symphony and the hitchhiker in my car have in common?

They are both in an advanced state of D composition.

So there's this musician.....

So theres this musician who is incredibly gifted. Any instrument he touches he can instantly play at a masters level. Unfortunately for the musician he lived in a country ruled by a dictator. One day the dictator learns of the musician's talent and has the musician brought before him.

The dic...

A little collection of children's unintentional quick wittyness.

TEACHER : Maria, go to the map and find North America.

MARIA : Here it is.

TEACHER : Correct. Now class, who discovered America?

CLASS : Maria.
____________________________
TEACHER : John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

JOHN : Yo...

A Mozart fanatic visits his tomb in Austria...

John is a gigantic Mozart fanatic. He's listened to every one of his many compositions, paid attention to the melodies and how they were composed, and the thought process of their creation. All that John has left to do is to visit Mozart's tomb.

John travels to Austria and visits his tomb. Wh...

The musician (long but worth it)

There was this musician in North Korea. One day he was called upon by Kim Jong-Un himself to compose a piece of music and have an orchestra play it live to him in the great auditorium.

The man, not wanting to displease the great leader did as he asked.

The big night came. With the ...

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Joe, Dave, Tommy, and Rodney start a folk rock band. Joe plays cymbals, Dave is on the 6-string, Tommy has the drums, and Rodney adds his unique twang to the vocals.

Their very first rehearsal, they come up with a great idea for an original composition. It takes heavy liberties with the cymbal part. Joe is ecstatic; cymbal players rarely ever get the recognition they deserve. This could be a revolution in the music industry!

They begin tuning and setting ...

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At university, students had to come up with a sentence in which the words "love" and "sex" both appeared

A female student's composition:

'When two people deeply and passionately love each other, and both reach a high level of mutual respect, then society morally and spiritually encourages that these two people should unite in the ecstasy of physical sex.'

A male student's composition:
...

A man goes to McDonalds and places an order.

"I'd like one hamburger and one chickenburger," he says.

The cashier looked confused and quickly asked, "Do you mean a McChicken?"

"It's basically the same as the hamburger in composition. A couple of buns, toppings, so ... it's a chickenburger." The man seemed sure of himself.
...

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American and Japanese company have an annual rowing contest

with teams of 8. Both teams trained hard and were in top shape, but in the end the Japanese company won by over a mile.

After the loss, the moods were down on the American camp. The executives of the company decided that for publicity reasons they need to win the next years contest. They sta...

I submit to you, the only joke I have ever heard my father tell.

There are two trees in the forest; one a birch, one a beech. They have grown up together from saplings to fully grown trees. They always had a healthy rivalry going, arguing about everything from the weather to the composition of the soil. In their older years a little sapling started to sprout betw...

Chemists in a pub

After a long day, two chemists, Bill and Bob, go to a pub to unwind. Bob says to the barkeeper, "I'll just have a glass of H^2 0." Bill chimes in, "I'll have a glass of water too". They take a seat as he asks Bob, "Why did you refer to water with its chemical composition?" Bob did not answer, fumin...

Student and Teacher conversations

Teacher: John, give me a sentence starting with " I ".
John: I is...
Teacher: No, John. Always say, "I am."
John: All right... "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

Teacher: John, how do you spell "crocodile"?
John: "K-R-O-K-O-D-A-I-L"
Teacher: No, that's wrong
John: Mayb...

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A talented but unemployed jazz pianist.

A talented but unemployed jazz pianist/composer was walking down Second Avenue in New York contemplating his sad life when he sees a sign in a restaurant window that says "Jazz pianist wanted, full time position." Elated at his good fortune he goes inside to apply for the job.

He meets the ma...

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The out of work Piano Player.

There's a piano player who's out of work, so he goes to a classy lounge to find a gig. He locates the manager, tells him his circumstance and the manager agrees to hear him play. The pianist sits down at the piano and begins to produce the most wonderful music the manager has ever heard. It fills hi...

An archaeologist is visiting a small town in Nevada...

And he's just ambling around, enjoying the play of the autumn light on the terracotta and adobe-colored buildings. He rounds a corner and is surprised to see the most, bar none, *stunningly* beautiful alley he's ever come across. It may sound like he's a bit nerdy, but we all have our things we love...

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Piano Player Wanted

So a guy sees a sign in a lounge window that says, "Piano Player Wanted" He goes in and secures an audition. He sits at the piano with the manager sitting nearby and proceeds to play an absolutely beautiful song.

The manager is overwhelmed and says, "Wow! That was wonderful. What song is tha...

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There are three priests at an airport...

Three priests are traveling home from a trip to the Vatican. They have yet to purchase tickets when they get to the airport, so the youngest priest volunteers to purchase them for the rest of the group.

As he walks up to the counter, he notices that the lady working there has a very large bo...

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A blonde sits next to a scientist...

On a long flight a scientist ends up sitting next to a blonde. Bored and looking for a bit of amusement the scientist starts chatting with the blonde and realizes that she is dumb as rocks. Once the plane is in the air the scientist offers to play a game with the blonde.

"The rules are very s...

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So there's this genius piano player...

...seriously, this guy is like Bill Evans combined with Prince combined with Frederic Chopin. He comes up with these beautiful compositions that just knock you off your feet every time you hear them.

One day, this guy is playing his work at a local bar, and an A&R guy from a major label ...

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