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Nibble Jokes

I nibbled on my 3 year olds ear and said "I'm going to eat your ears". She said "Papa! No! Don't eat my ears!"

"My mask will fall off!"

(True story from yesterday, happy end of 2021!)

I read in an article that women should kiss and nibble on a man's earlobe in bed to turn him on.

Personally, I think it's nuts.

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Six Lessons

**Lesson 1:**

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says, “I’ll give y...

Keep ‘em warm

Bob is sitting on the ice all day fishing with no luck, not even a nibble. Cold and tired he is about to leave, when a guy walks up cuts a hole in the ice beside him, and starts pulling out fish as fast a he can drop his hook in the water.

Bob can't believe it, he yells over " whats your se...

Long:Two old timers go ice fishing…

Two old timers, Lou and Mel, go ice fishing. They each compete against each other and so they dril ltheir holes in the ice exactly 50ft apart. Set up their chairs, drop their lines in, pour some coffee from their thermoses and wait for a bite. A young man comes along and sets up exactly between the...

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A turkey was chatting with a bull.

"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough st...

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Vladimir Putin is hosting a summit with Donald Trump, Kim Jong-Un, and Justin Trudeau.

As a part of the summit, Putin takes the three leaders to a wilderness area outside of Moscow and dismisses the press corps, and a large wolf in a cage is brought out.


"Friends, this savage wolf was trapped and brought from the wilds of Siberia just yesterday. I want to show you what ki...

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A fly is seven inches above a river bank...

...And on that river bank, there is a frog. In the river, an salmon. And a bear on the other side of the river. A hunter in the woods with a sandwich in his pocket. A mouse next to the hunter, eyeing the sandwich, and finally, a cat about to pounce.

The frog thinks to himself, "If that fly d...

My brother, my sister, and myself pooled our money together

We treated our dad with this fish therapy where little fish nibble on the dead skin until it is gone.

It was money well spent, because it was much cheaper than a regular funeral.

Hole in a Wall

While doing a wee, I once saw /
a mole that was quite the oddball /
it didn't live underground /
but rather, I found /
that it lived in the hole in the wall

So I peered in the home of the mole /
What I saw 'twas a sight to behol' /
inside was a place /
full ...

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A man was going ice fishing.

He goes out onto the ice, cuts open a hold, and lowers his bait into the hole. 45 minutes pass, and the man has not gotten a nibble. A younger man walks out onto the ice, drills a hole right next to him, lowers his bait, and within a few minutes has hooked a largemouth bass.

The first man is...

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Ice Fishing

It was a cold winter day. An old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line, and waited patiently for a bite.


He was there for almost an hour, without even a nibble, when a young boy walked out onto the ice and cut a hole in the ice next to him...

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Two Minute Management Course

Lesson One ...

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?"

The eagle answered: "Sure, why not."

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a...

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A redneck, an Italian, and a Frenchman walk into a bar the other day... NSFW

Conversation quickly becomes a pissing contest and the topic of sex is immediately discussed. While sipping on his Lambrusco, the Italian man says "when I'm through pleasing a beautiful woman, I nibble on her ear... and she rises half a foot off the bed!"

The Frenchman scoffs, takes a sip of ...

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A shark is teaching his son how to hunt humans

Alright son, you start with circling your pray. Every once in a while you take a nibble out of them. And then after a few rounds you finally attack and eat them.

The son confused asks his father; why can't I just attack and eat them from the start? Its definitely quicker!

The father re...

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So this panda is driving down a road,

And he sees a prostitute standing on the corner, he thinks ' cor im gonna have some of that' and he stops to pick her up. 'Fancy a good time hun?'
'well i would, but im a panda and i dont have a house'
'i know a place' so he lets her in and they drive off. They get back to hers and make their ...

My only good joke... my preacher mother told it to me

There was a birch tree and a beech tree in a meadow, and they hated each other. They were always trying one-up each other saying things like "My leaves are greener!" "My bark is tougher!" "I'm taller!" etc.

Well one day, a fine young sapling sprouted up in the meadow right between the birch t...

After dancing for awhile at the prom, a boy asks his date if she wants something to drink...

Feeling thirsty, she says yes, so he walks over to the refreshments table.

A chaperone is serving snacks to the kids: Cheese, crackers, veggies, french fries, pizza bites, and other yummy nibbles. The boy looks around for the cups and the punch bowl but cannot find either. In fact, there wer...

An old couple are sitting in their living room.

The old woman leans over and says to the old man, “Remember when we were younger and you used to hold my hand?” The old man grabs the old woman’s hand.



Then she says, “Remember when we were younger and you used to put your arm around me?” The old man puts his arm around the old woman....

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HOW TO SATISFY A WOMAN:

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to,...

2 drunk old men walk into a brothel

One of them says to the Madame, "How do you do? We'd like the 2 nicest dolls in the place!" The Madame says to the bartender, "give these men a couple of drinks then put a doll in room 6 and a doll in room 7". The old drunk men go into their rooms and when they appear soon after, the Madame asks th...

The ice fishing contest

An ice fishing contest is held between Norway and Sweden. The teams from each country get up early and set up their gear at opposite sides of a lake.

After about half an hour, the Norwegians haul up their first fish. The Swedes can hear them cheer from across the lake. Then another one bites...

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So there's a fly...

... Floating 12 inches above a lake.
There's a trout watching the fly, and he thinks to himself "If that fly falls six inches, I can jump up and catch it. "

There's a bear watching the trout watching the fly, and the bear thinks to himself "If that fly falls six inches, the trout will jum...

Little Johnny was sitting in math class when the teacher posed a problem.

The teacher stated "There are 10 crows sitting on a fence when a farmer fires his shotgun. Seven of the crows flew away. How many are left?"

Johnny replied "There are none left."

The teacher replied "Well, if there are ten and seven leave, then there would be three left."

John...

What do you call someone who likes to take tiny bites of human flesh?

A Can-nibble

A bus driver went to pick up some elder ladies

He nodded politely to all of them, then off they went in the misty morning streets. After about 10 minutes, a kindly old grandma walks up to him, fistful of peanuts, and says "You are such a careful driver and a polite young man, here is a gift from the knitters society to you!" The driver politely ...

50th wedding anniversary

To celebrate their fiftieth wedding anniversary, a couple returned to their honeymoon hotel.

After retiring to bed, the wife said, “Darling, do you remember how you stroked my hair?” and so he stroked her hair. She reminded him of the way they had cuddled, and so they did.

Then, ...

The Surrogate

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon.'

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-...

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"The proud mallard" (more a life lesson than a joke as told by my father)

There was a mallard who was so full of himself that he thought he didn't need to fly south for winter.

Winter comes and of corse, the mallards plan has gone horrible wrong.

He finds himself in a farmers field with no strength .. no will to carry on any further and just when the malla...

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A Mississippi Girl is flying on an airplane for the first time when...

...a smartly-dressed older woman sits down and arranges herself in the seat next to the girl.

"So, where y'all from?" the girl asks cheerfully.

The woman slowly takes out a handkerchief, dabs at her forehead and the corners of her mouth, and clears her throat before answering...
...

Me and my girlfriend had a party to go to last night..

My girlfriend and I had a party to go to last night, so we thought we'd nip to the shops to get some food to cook up and line our stomachs with.

So we got to the supermarket, collected all of our ingredients and what not, but then when we approached the checkouts there was a massive line, an...

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2 drunk men

Walk into a brothel, staggering and slurred they ask for 2 girls. The madam says to one of the girls “just give them blow up dolls, they will never know the difference.
When they come out the they ask how it was
“Terrible” says the guy “she was like a sack of potatoes, never even moved!”
“...

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The Moral of the Story

A fly was traveling in the mountains when he began to get tired. He realized it was about lunch time, and seeing a lake below him, he decided to land for a drink and a nibble.

Well about this time, a fish was swimming in the water, and he saw the fly coming down. He thought to himself, "As s...

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A farmer goes away on vacation...

...and while he's away, one of his troublesome donkeys manages to escape the barnyard and heads off into town.

Soon enough the donkey arrives at the nuclear power plant. It enters the facility unnoticed by the plant workers and decides to have a nibble of some of the radioactive waste.
...

A joke that works on both sides of the Atlantic.....

A young man is on his first date with his girl, they park up near a wood and start making out. He nibbles her neck.... gently bites her nipples.... licks erotically down her stomach to the top line of her panties..... “Oh yes”, she screams....”kiss me where it smells!”

So he drives her to Bir...

What did the hungry computer programmer say?

All I want is one byte. Hell, I'll even take a nibble.

Was out on the trusty steed this evening, riding through the woods...

Suddenly we came to a stop and he began to nibble on some weeds. I decided not to protest until I realized he was eating what appeared to be a pot plant. He began to wobble a little and I couldn't help but think, I probably need to get off my high horse.

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Two guys go on a Moose Hunt

They are out in the woods on the first day of the hunt and see a big mature bull moose, after attempting some moose calls for what seemed like forever they eventually went back to camp feeling a little down. So the next day they go back out and try to find this bull moose. After walking around the w...

An old couple are lying in bed one night.

The lady turns to the man and says "I remember when we were young, you used to tell me you loved me". Grudgingly the man replies "Of course I love you". The lady says "And I remember when we were young, you would hold me closely and caress me in your arms". With a sigh, the man puts his arms around ...

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How to drive the wife crazy

So these three guys are talking about their sex lives; there's a Mexican, an American, and a Pole all sitting around the bar.

The Mexican is bragging. "When I make love to my wife," he says, "I always grab her by the back of the neck and whisper in her ear. It drives her crazy."

"When ...

A little out of season but it still makes me giggle.

It's Christmas Eve and the snow is falling. Santa is in his sleigh going house to house with presents for all the good boys and girls. He stops at one house, descends down the chimney and standing there is a woman.

Santa: Ho ho ho! Merry Christmas to you my dear!
Woman: Hello Santa.
...

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I finally had an IRL date with a Redditor on Saturday night

Things went great and we were actually physically attracted to each other. She invited me back to her apartment for a drink. One thing led to another, and we ended up in bed.

She liked when I nibbled on her, and although it sounds cliched, she ended up saying, "Hurt me! Hurt me!"

...

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