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Item Jokes

Fishermen hate him- You won't believe the one item he uses to catch more fish than anyone else

Click bait.

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To reduce waste, our city has told food truck operators that they must donate all unsold items each night.

I applaud the effort, but given how little space the trucks have in the first place, it seems like there's really not much room for waste to begin with. So, I've gotta ask....

How much food would a food truck chuck if a food truck could chuck food?

Which Pokemon in-game item should you never give to your Trans friends?

And Ether. It restores pp...

What healthy item does Joe Biden enjoy eating?

Forbiden fruit

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small scale operation

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A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout.

A man is queuing at the five items or less checkout. The girl in front of him turns around and looks at his basket. He has a four pack of Heineken and an Indian meal for one. She smiles at him. He looks in her basket and sees a small bottle of wine and a Chinese meal for one. He says to her "You're ...

I programmed my smart fridge to tell me how much space each item is occupying.

I think it speaks volumes.

Wanna know the price of an item someone has?

Break it.

The British Museum has allegedly dismissed a member of staff over "stolen" items

Which is ironic..

A wife gives away her husband's huge collection of superhero items

She wanted their house to be Marvel-less

California is looking to eradicate a once popular item.

Apparently it was the last straw.

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What's a bisexual's favourite food item?

Chestnuts

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There were a couple of strange items at the estate sale of a eccentric collector. One was a couple of Dolly Parton's used bras, the other King Edwards used Enema...

The appraiser was surprised that they sold at all, especially the used enema, as it still had fecal matter on it. What surprised him most is that the enema actually sold for more money than the bras. The auctioneer wasn't surprised at all because he plays poker and knows that a royal flush always ...

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

UPS refused to send my item with USPS pre-paid shipping

Come on man, it’s just one letter!

What’s the queen of England favorite Minecraft item?

Totem of undying

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

The bloke who scanned my items at the supermarket was rude, unhelpful and smelled like he'd been drinking.

That's the last time I use the self checkout..

If you were stranded on an island and could bring three items what would you bring?

Michael Phelps, a saddle, and stick with a gold medal on the end.

What’s the number one item shipped by amazon?

Cardboard boxes

Whats a Spiders Favorite Fast Food Item

French Flys

Where does Satan shop for luxury items?

Demon Marcus.

I am so terribly sorry.

A man enters a cafetaria and is welcomed by a pretty girl behind the counter. While browsing through the menu, he notices that its last item reads: 'handjob - $15'.

The girl asks: 'Can I help?

'Yes,' says the man, 'the handjob, are you the one giving them?'

The lady winks and says: 'I sure am, handsome!'

The man: 'Could you then wash your hands, I'd like to order a hamburger.'

What is a magicians favorite clothing item?

A card-again

How much do items at the Buddhist dollar store cost?

Everything is one.

I found a website where non-binary people sell used items

It’s called eThey

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A guy walks into a bar and says. "Give me 10 shots of tequila, line 'em up!"

The bartender does and the guy proceeds to slam the 10 shots down at machine gun pace. The bartender says, "Damn man, what's all this for?"

The guys says, "My first blowjob." The bartender says, "Well shit dude, that's something to celebrate, have another on the house!" The guy says, "No than...

What common item from a hardware store can be used to fasten a duck to a fence?

Duct ta......nope, a nail gun.

A contest in South Korea awarded a small amount of money for a large item of food...

A one ton wonton won ten won.

My wife is an economist and I am an engineer.

I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load maximization principle and carry all the items you need in one trip, thereby ...

Could you imagine a game about jokes that have item drops and the rarest item in the game is known as “the punchline” which has a drop chance of 1/100000?

Friend: “hey Jordan, what you up to?”

Me: “I’ve been playing this joke game for two years and I still haven’t gotten the punchline.”

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Raincoats are the least sexy clothing item...

The whole point is to make sure you never get wet.

What's Pingu's favourite item of clothing?

A ZOOT SUIT.

Velcro is an item of horrible value

It's a rip-off!

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My wife has developed a fetish with salad items...

Earlier today she spent an hour trying to force a lettuce into my ass.

And that was just the tip of the iceburg

What’s the most expensive item at the dollar store?

The condoms.

A miser tried to shoplift for a few smaller items

She was arrested for a salt and battery

Do you know what the best item to prevent Sasquatch attacks is?

A camera.

So many items are no longer made in America..

I just bought a new tv and the box said “built in antenna”...

I don’t even know where that is!

Hired a handy man and gave him a list. When I got home, only items #1, 3, & 5 were done.

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

My friend and I are having a competition to see who can steal the most items from the pet shop.

I've just taken the lead.

What item of clothing is essential for a spy?

Sneakers

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What is a terrorists favorite culinary item?

Extra virgin olive oil

A young baker buys a shop

He is very excited as this is his first venture since qualifying. He sells ok on everyday items like bread, but runs into trouble with his 'special items'. One day he makes beautiful cakes, however his customers only want pastries that day. So the next day he makes pastries, but now they want muffin...

Today, the items in my bathroom randomly started singing.

It was a great soap opera.

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3 men are off to prison, and they can each bring one item with them

The first mentions his carton of cigarettes. Not only can he smoke it, but he can trade it too.

The second mentions deck of cards. It has always helped him pass the time, and jail is definitely no exception.

The two guys look at the third, who is just quietly staring off into the dista...

A father finds a new item in his closet

So he asks his son, "Son, what is this thing? It's long and misshapen and pure white and I can't for the life of me think of how I'm supposed to wear it!"
The son replies "you're supposed to wrap it around your neck. It's a tie, dad."

How does the Pope purchase items from Ebay?

He uses PaPal

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A female grocery store regular customer has a secret crush on the bag boy…

As she is having her items checked out, she glances at the bag boy and thinks, “I’ve got to say something. I’ve been feeling so attracted to him for months!”

The cashier totals out her haul, the lady pays, and as the last item is being bagged, she asks the bag boy: “would you kindly help me l...

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to buy. [Long]

A blonde walks into a small store and picks an item to she wants to buy. She goes to the only cashier (who is also the manager of the place) and tells him:

"How much is this hair dryer?"

The cashier replies: "This is not for sale".

The blonde returns the item and leaves. Next da...

A philosophy professor stood before her class and had some items in front of her...

When the class began, silently she picked up a large empty mayonnaise jar and proceeded to fill it with rocks.

She then asked the students if the jar was full?

They agreed that it was.

So the professor then picked up a box of pebbles and poured them into the jar.

She ...

I took my item up to the counter.

"I'd like to return this," I said, with a tear in my eye, "It didn't work."

He said, "I'm sorry. We can't do that with condoms."

Top 10 household items you can use to get high!

1. Ladder

Wich item asks the most questions in a hardware store?

The 60 watt bulb

Why did the white lady want to talk the manager into giving her a free item?

Because Sharon is Karen.

There are so many news items about Wuhan...

It looks like China is going viral.

I lost a really valuable item after a break-in the other night.

My balaclava was blown off in the wind.

Where do you file uncategorized rocket items?

Under missile-enious.

Where do average items get manufactured?

At the satisfactory...

A dumb blonde was asked, "What item would you bring with you if went back in time?"

She said, "A calender from 2020, duh."

A new jokes store opens up in town.

A kid walks in to check out the place early the next day. Looking all around, he sees that the store has several recognizable items (such as whoopie cushions) and some unique items that he'd never seen before. There was also a wall full of candy, with weird names such as "Hoot Gummies" and "Woof Bar...

Little Johnny and classmates are asked to bring an edible item to the classroom...

"So, Mary, what did you bring today?", the teacher asks.

"An apple. We love apples at home."

"Great, what about you, Annie?"

"I brought a PB & Jelly sandwich. It's so yummy!"

"Everybody loves those... and you, what did you bring today?"

Little Johnny opens his ...

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A woman in a supermarket rushed to the checkout counter with a few items,

The clerk had his back turned to her, so she said, "Excuse me, I'm in a bit of a hurry so could you please check me out?"
The clerk swerved round, looked the woman up and down, then said "Nice tits."

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in her cart:

A woman at the grocery store went to the register with these items in
her cart:

* a carton of eggs
* a quart of orange juice
* a head of romaine lettuce
* a 2 lb. can of coffee
* a 1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, ...

A man bids on a rare antique, item 23 in the catalogue, upon which he is incorrectly named the winner of the auction; the error is fixed five seconds later

Won two three for five secs.

What item can get you thrown off of a United Airlines flight?

A Ticket

A woman is lying dead in a field. One item could have saved her life. What is it?

I'll reply with the right answer if it's not guessed tomorrow.

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My neighbour came over and complained some items of clothes were missing from her washing line....

....I was so nervous she'd find out it was me, I almost shit her pants.

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During a class on human sexuality, the professor was discussing various items in the Kinsey Report.

The students gasped audibly when the professor told them of a woman who had several hundred orgasms in a single session.

A male voice said, "Wow, who was she?"

A female voice followed with, "The hell with that... who was HE ?!!!

Just heard on the news that some supermarkets are severely restricting how many of a particular item you can buy!

Woolworths > 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - 500g pack of rice, 1 - Ppack of toilet paper;

Coles > 1- pack of toilet paper, 1 - Container of hand sanitiser, 1 - Can of beans;

Aldi > 1 - MIG welder, 1 - Ladies sports bra, 1 - 2m tall garden trellis

How does Telashi 6ix9ine pay for his items at Walmart?

He puts them on Trey-a-Way

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Three inmates on the way to prison…

Three inmates were on the way to prison. They were each allowed to take one item with them to help them occupy their time while incarcerated.

On the bus, one turned to another and said, "So, what did you bring?"

The first convict pulled out a box of paints and stated that he intended t...

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The beautiful woman next door came around complaining about items going missing from her washing line and threatened to call the police...

I nearly crapped her pants!

There’s a reason why China has so many fake items

And the reason is because the Chinese have mistaken ‘Copyright’ for ‘Copy Is Right’

Beds are the most dangerous items in the world

99% of people die on them!

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3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

3 guys are on a bus going to prison. Each of them were allowed to bring 1 item from home.

They're discussing what they are bringing with them to prison. The first guy says "well, I bought a deck of cards. I figure I can play solitaire when I'm bored, I can gamble to make money in there, and l...

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A housewife was unsatisfied with her sex life and confides this to her mother who gifted her a magical item.

Wife: "A dildo?"

Mother: "A magical dildo."

Wife: "What's so magical about it."

Mother: "Just say *Magic dildo* and name the body part you want pleasured."

Skeptical but curious, the wife takes the gift and goes to her room where she laid in bed and uttered the magical wo...

Buzzfeed Top 10 least conductive items!

Number 6 won't shock you

If you wanted to stay completely anonymous, which item of clothing would be the worst to wear?

A dress.

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A drunk man was at the checkout waiting to buy more beer when...

..a young women behind him began placing her items down. She had a bottle of wine, ice cream, scented candles, a magazine, and some tampons. She notices the drunk man watching her and decides to add condoms to her pile from off the rack. The man looks the at the items, then back at her and drunkenly...

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What do you call it when a person will give you a hand job in return for any physical item?

Jack off all trades

A friend went to the CVS in Baltimore after the looting to pick up some items,

the only things left behind were sun tan lotion and father's day cards.

I asked the TSA how often they find suspicious items in luggage

they said it's case by case

A man walks into Target

He gets a cart and visits each aisle picking out various items that he's never bought before. He takes his overloaded buggie up to the checkout and calmly watches each item beginning scanned. When it's over and the cashier asks for payment, he says, "Oh I don't have any money. This was just Targe...

A man arrives with a lot of items at the cash

Cashier: Wanna box for those?

Man: Can't we settle this peacefully?

When house hunting I look for a place where the people next door are successful at selling stolen items

Good fences make for good neighbors

My mom hates when I take kitchen items that she needs and hides it in my room

But its a whisk I'm willing to take

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What was the top item on Hitler's grocery list?

Concentrated Juice.

What do you call dough-based dessert items outside of a planet's atmosphere?

Spastries

There's furniture items that allow SFW swearing.

That's sofa king nice.

The blacksmith only sold items he crafted himself. Like his father taught him...

He who smelt it, dealt it.

Calling your bug spray company "Off" is really smart because when your thrifty wife tells you to buy the "off brand" you'll still be buying the expensive name brand item.

had this thought last night and I need help turning this into a joke

A woman seated while flying in economy and holding her baby in her arms, was startled when the man sitting behind her bent forward to say "Ma'am that is one ugly baby you have there!"

The woman, wide-eyed and open-mouthed, was so shocked she could barely retort "Well I ... I never!"

The man continued: "I'm just being honest with you ma'am, I mean, I've seen some ugly babies in my time, but yours is a real showstopper".

Quite overwhelmed, the woman called a fligh...

Even though it’s a surplus store, I’m pretty proud of myself for going into Costco and purchasing only ONE item.

A single package of 160 AA batteries.

Like "please" is the magic word for humans, "mom" is the magic word for lost items.

Calling out "Mom!" will make the item appear instantly out of nowhere.

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Not Another Russian Joke!

Three poor souls are languishing in Gulag and have violated the camp curfew. The punishment for the this is 10 lashes across the back. The camp warden is a somewhat compassionate and he allows the three to choose one item to place on their backs to minimize the injury.


The first prison...

What do you call the distribution of items on a will?

It's a dead giveaway.

A software developer claims to have written a condition that detects items larger than medium size.

Big if true.

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Where can you buy nazi related items at the store?

Aisle Hitler

A blonde walks into a pharmacy and asks for bottom deodorant.

The assistant, a little bemused, explains to the woman they have never sold bottom deodorant. The blonde, unfazed, assures the lady behind the counter, that she has been buying the stuff from here on a regular basis, and would like some more.

The shop assistant thinks for a minute, knowing fu...

A sophisticated-looking lady was returning by plane from Switzerland

She talked to the Father sitting next to her, "Excuse me, Father, may I ask you a favor?"


The priest replied, "Of course, my child, what can I do for you?"


The woman explained, "Here's my problem: I bought myself a new epilator and paid quite a lot of money for it. I thin...

I went to a store that carried only three items

It was an inconvenience store

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An old man decides he wants to meet his grandson before he dies

He lives in the wilderness like a hermit so he hardly ever meets anyone. So he invites his young grandson over to mark one item off his bucket list. His grandson arrives and notices his grandfather is scarred all over and missing some of his limbs, most noticeably one of his hands.


"Ho...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

I'm opening a store that only sells vaults for storing valuable items and high fidelity audio equipment

It's called Safe and Sound.

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