This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Englishman: "That your dog?"

Welshman: "Aye"

Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?'

Welshman: "Dog don't talk.”

Englishman: Hey dog, how's it going?"

Dog: "Doing all right."

Welshman: (look of shock)

Englishman: Is this your owner?" (Pointing at the We...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Nazi walks into a bar..

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table. Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a na...

A blind man walks into the restaurant..

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dis...

A new business is opening and one of the owner’s friends wants to send him flowers for the occasion.

They arrive at the new business site and the owner reads the card: “Rest in Peace.” Understandably the owner is angry and calls the florist to complain.

After he tells the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he is, the florist replies, “Sir, I’m really sorry for the mistake, but rath...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

A man walks into a resort and the first sign he saw reads, “LOOL AREA!!”

He was confused and asks one of the employees about it.

“Yes, we have this tradition here, we replace the first ‘P’ of any word that starts with P with an ‘L’ because the owner hates the words that starts with letter ‘P’."

The man thought this was strange, but as long as there were no ...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

Two dogs, a Doberman and a German Shepherd, are in the vet's waiting room, and the German Shepherd says to the other "What are you in for?"

"Oh," says the Doberman, "I went for the postman. He said I ought to be put down, but my owner pleaded with him until he said that if she got me castrated instead then he wouldn't take it any further. So that's what I'm in for. How about you?"

"Oh," says the German Shepherd, "my owner was c...

A business owner is interviewing an attractive young lady...

A business owner is interviewing to hire a bookkeeper, and in walks an attractive young lady. To make sure that she understands money and math, he asks her "If I were to give you ten thousand dollars, minus 15%, how much would you take off?"

​

She thinks a moment and answer...

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke

Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog

Dog: Oh, go on

Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand

Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese

Man: OK. Knock Knock

Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I told my mate I was thinking of buying a Labrador for my son's birthday present.

"Don't be so fucking stupid," he said. "Have you seen how many of their owners go blind?

Why are dogs better than their owners?

When I whistle at both of them, only the dog gets excited.

An Iditerod racer took a sled dog to the vet. "He's acting very strange," said the dog owner. "He encourages the other dogs to hump him. Other than that, he's perfectly normal and a great musher. Should I be worried?"

"Not at all," said the vet. "He just identifies as female. What you have here is a Trans Siberian Husky."

A middle eastern restaurant owner bought a new waffle iron.

He wasn't sure how to use it, so he chopped up some chickpeas, rolled them in flour and pressed them between the grates.

The mayor of the town stopped by that day, excited to try the new dish.

But when he took his first bite, the mayor declared it was so bad he would ban it from being ...

Why did the owner of the liquor store love thieves?

They always lifted his spirits

The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.

I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog, the owner asks him, "Would you like a male or a female dog?"

"Bitch please."

Two women, who are dog owners, are arguing which dog is smarter.

First woman: "My dog is so smart. Every morning he waits for the paperboy to come around and then he takes a newspaper and brings it to me."


Second woman: "I know."


First one: "How?"


Second one: "My dog told me."

What is the resemblance between Harley-Davidsons and their owners?

They both can't get it up.

For sale by owner

For sale by owner :

A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.

Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

How did the circus owner get so rich?

He spent years paying his employees peanuts.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What are the simularities in between a sexist man and a slave owner

Somebody is making the sandwich, and it isn't gonna be them

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then orde...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell ...

A new Vietnamese restaurant opened across from another, and the owners have been throwing competitive deals all week.

It was a Nguyen-Nguyen situation.

My local French boulangerie owner was accused of bestiality, but I'm not surprised.

He was such a pain in the ass.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

John, the owner of a small company, just moved into a new office.

After settling in, he decides to message his friend. "Jim," he wrote,"I finally moved out of that dingy old office and just moved into a new one."
Happy to hear this news, Jim orders a bouquet of flowers to send to John's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office wit...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his a...

What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?

He had a reptile dysfunction

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Patriots owner was picked up for soliciting a prostitute.

He told the cops he didn’t think getting his balls deflated was a big deal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

A restaurant owner wouldn't serve Mel Brooks, Whoopi Goldberg, or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I never expected to see such EGOT-ism in this day and age.

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

What did the slaves owners use to purchase their slaves?

A MasterCard.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A parrot accidentally takes some of his owners viagra

To help the parrot cool it off some, he decides to thrown the parrot into the fridge for a while.

After about 10 minutes the owner opens the fridge and sees his parrot sweating like crazy and asks the parrot “it’s cold in there how in the world are you sweating?” to which the parrot says “y...

If the owner of Tesla were to make a cologne, what would he call it?

Elon’s Musk

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with solicitation of prostitution

‪Robert Kraft ought to open his own chain of rub-n-tug parlors called Kraft’s Singles. “Your balls deflated or your money back!”‬

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

My friend advised me to date a cat owner..

..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back

What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?

They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

I'm thinking about holding a surprise party for the owner of Versace

Donatella

I asked the store owner if they had any protein powder...

He said, "No Whey"

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a business owner that has a small dick?

Short-staffed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

Old MacDonald has became the owner of a bunch of new farms......

He has now became the CEIEIO

The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"

But then an idea struck him!

The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

What does the car say to its new owner as they drive off the lot?

Thank you. I depreciate it.

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

I stopped by my childhood home and asked the owners politely whether I can have a look around. They immediately said no and slammed the door on my face.

My parents can be so rude sometimes.

Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms?

So they can use the car pool lane.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

People are always so confused when I say Mark Zuckerberg is a small business owner.

I just don't understand it. I mean, look at the guy; he's 5'7!

Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ?

Because his canine's were loose

A datingsite for mac owners

Finder

Why shouldn't Nissan owners keep antacids in their car?

People usually don't respond well to Altima Tums.

A pig with a wooden leg and his owner walk into a bar.

His owner orders a beer and begins bragging to the bartender about his pig. "See that scar on his head? He got that rescuing me from a fire," says the guy. "And see that he's only got one eye? He lost the other one saving 17 people from dying in a bus crash." "So what heroic act was he doing when he...

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder finally removes team's controversial and offensive name.

He announced yesterday they will be removing the "Washington" from their name.

How do dogs know that their owner is calling them?

Collar ID

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Rottweiler, Pit Bull, and Great Dane are in kennels at the vet.

The Rott says "my owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."

The Pit says "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."

The Dane says "My owner is a beautiful 22 year ol...

Faithful dog for sale

Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.

- Hey, I saw your offer for a faithful dog, I have a couple of questions.

- Shoot.

- He good with kids?

- Very. He’s kind and gentle and has endless patience.

- yard dog or house do...

What did the owner say about their 7 bit dog

Don’t worry, he doesn’t byte

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A store owner gets in an car accident and is at the hospital

His whole family is there to see him as he wakes up. He looks at them and he says,"Joshua, my son, are you here?" "Yes father" says the son. "Mary, my beautiful wife, are you here?" "Yes darling I am!" Says the wife. "Well I only have one question" says the man, "what is it" says the wife. "Who... W...

I'm the officially the main owner of Old McDonald's Farm...

I'm the CIEIO!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another lady goes to a pet shop...

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?"

The shop owner says, "2000 dollars"

The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?"
...

What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash?

You need a toupee!

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He or she just stands there holding the bulb out waiting for the world to revolve around them..... or goes out and buys an adapter first to make the bulb compatible!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar owner has a contest...

The contest is if you can make his horse laugh AND cry within 15 minutes, you can have any and all drinks for free. He knows the contest is quite impossible but, he does it for his own amusement while he’s there. Many have come and all have failed. Very few have actually made the horse laugh or cry ...

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up

One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Wh...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden. He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.

He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"

Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex,...

An owner of a box manufacturer company goes to his son's school one day...

"Hey kids, I make boxes! Have any questions?"

One kid raised his hand...

"Yea, why does my dad keep talking about filling my mom's box, shouldn't he get his own?"

"Shut up son."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man bought a horse whose previous owner had Tourette's [a campfire story--profanity warning]

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first. His name was George. He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance. A horse to explore with.

The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, ...

What did the owner of a strip club say when he found his girls slacking off?

C’mon ladies, are you twerking hard or hardly twerking?

A circus owner was in need of a lion tamer.

A circus owner was in need of a lion tamer.
There was 2 people for the job: an old man, with 60 years old, and an amazing looking blonde, with 25 years old.
The circus owner said to the candidates:
- I'm gonna straight to the issue. My lion is very fierce. Or you're really good, or yo...

A man told his friend he won an iPhone in a race.

The friend says "Oh, wow! How many people were in the race?"

and the man says "Just the policeman, the phone's owner and I."

A drunk calls a tavern owner early in the morning

The tavern owner picks up, and the drunk says "When are you opening your tavern?" The tavern owner replies and says that he will open at 11 am.

An hour later, the same drunk calls. The tavern owner says "I can't serve you beer until 11 am, I'll be there then." And he hangs up.

At 10:...

Whats a business owners favorite dessert ?

A Profiterole

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the pet store owner feed his snakes viagra when they were stuck crawling backwards?

He thought they were suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

There was a shooting at my local brothel and everyone was killed but the owner.

He's asking for Thots and Players.

Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:

.

.

.

.

Marquee mark and the funky bunch

I'm so sorry

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

After work, a man gets pulled over by a cop.

The policeman approaches the drivers' door.

"Is there a problem, Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your license please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost i...