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The owner of a sex shop, hires a new clerk.

After the owner taught him the basics of running the store, he has to run an errand.

'Could you run the store on your own for a couple of hours, Jeremy?' he asks.

'Sure thing boss!' Jeremy replied, 'don't you worry, I've got this.'

So the boss leaves for his errands, leaving you...

The owner of the local strip club has a lisp.

I tried to go last night, but they were clothed.

For sale by owner

For sale by owner :

A complete set of Encyclopedia Brittanica, 45 volumes. Pristine condition.

Got married last month, wife knows everything. No longer need them.

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NE Patriots owner Robert Kraft was given a plea deal to avoid jail sentencing for a massage parlor prostitution sting

I guess having a good lawyer cums in handy.

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A man goes into a pet shop to buy a dog, the owner asks him, "Would you like a male or a female dog?"

"Bitch please."

A dog is talking to his owner. Dog: Tell me a joke

Dog: Tell me a joke

Man: Don’t be silly, you’re a dog

Dog: Oh, go on

Man: You’re a dog, you won’t understand

Dog: Do it anyway, pleeeeese

Man: OK. Knock Knock

Dog: Woof Woof Woof Woof Woof……….

What happened to the pet owner who lost his lizard?

He had a reptile dysfunction

Three restaurant owners were arguing about their food

The first one said, "My spicy sauce is super hot! I put a bottle of pepper spray in every batch, and after just one spoon, people can't take anymore and shout for water."

The second one replied, "My spicy sauce is even hotter! I put three bottles of pepper spray in every batch, and the smell ...

John, the owner of a small company, just moved into a new office.

After settling in, he decides to message his friend. "Jim," he wrote,"I finally moved out of that dingy old office and just moved into a new one."
Happy to hear this news, Jim orders a bouquet of flowers to send to John's new location. The next day, a bouquet of flowers shows up at the office wit...

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A bar owner decides to make his place a piano bar.

He hires a pianist, buys a baby grand, shuts down the bar and has it redecorated. He talks to one of his friends and says,”Man, I hope this place goes over, I’m kind of worried no one will come.” The friend says, “Well, have a grand opening. Advertise and get the word out.” The bar owner takes his a...

A guy walks into the bar of a restaurant and goes to the bartender and asks "How much for a beer?"

The bartender replies "Free".

The customer, completely amazed, orders a beer then asks the bartender "Well then how much for a NY sirloin, with side of mashed potatoes and salad, and an entire cheesecake for desert?"

The Bartender replies "Free".

The guy, still amazed, then orde...

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A parrot swallowed a viagra pill. The owners put him in a freezer to "cool off."

When the owner opened the freezer he noticed the parrot was sweating profusely.

Owner: Why are you sweating so much?

Parrot: You know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?!

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Patriots owner was picked up for soliciting a prostitute.

He told the cops he didn’t think getting his balls deflated was a big deal.

A lottery winner decides to fulfill his lifelong dream of owning a horse and goes to a high end stable.

"I'm not really sure which kind I want," he tells the owner.

"Well, it depends on what you want them to do," the owner says. "Over here, we have a Type A horse - good workers, but temperamental. Back there eating hay you have a Type B horse - mostly good for companionship."

"That soun...

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A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50.

A Man walks into a pet shop and sees a parrot for only $50. Standing next to the cage the man asks, "I wonder why he is so cheap?" "Because I am defective," came the reply. "I've got no legs." A little surprised the man asked, "Well how do you stay on your perch?" The parrot draws him closer and whi...

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant

A bakery owner hired a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the location of the raisin bread, he has a brillia...

Two lawyers went into a diner and decided to order drinks

They felt hungry after a long day so they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat them.

The owner frustratedly marched over and told them, “listen, you're not allowed to eat your own sandwiches in here!”

The lawyers looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders a...

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A man is walking his prized pitbull down the street.

He comes across another man, walking a chihuahua in his direction. He tells the man:

“Hey sir, you should probably cross the street. My pitbull was trained to fight and will rip your tiny dog to shreds!”

To which the man with the chihuahua replies:

“Oh no, sir, it is you who sh...

The prayer uttered most often by pet owners and parents of small children:

"Please, God, let that be chocolate."

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A parrot accidentally takes some of his owners viagra

To help the parrot cool it off some, he decides to thrown the parrot into the fridge for a while.

After about 10 minutes the owner opens the fridge and sees his parrot sweating like crazy and asks the parrot “it’s cold in there how in the world are you sweating?” to which the parrot says “y...

A restaurant owner wouldn't serve Mel Brooks, Whoopi Goldberg, or Andrew Lloyd Webber.

I never expected to see such EGOT-ism in this day and age.

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A dick has a sad life.

His hair's a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbor's an asshole, his best friend's a pussy, and his owner beats him.

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Patriots owner Robert Kraft charged with solicitation of prostitution

‪Robert Kraft ought to open his own chain of rub-n-tug parlors called Kraft’s Singles. “Your balls deflated or your money back!”‬

If the owner of Tesla were to make a cologne, what would he call it?

Elon’s Musk

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Bill, a small business owner is at work one day and hears God speak to him.

"Bill, this is God," says a booming voice, "You need to sell your business and go to Las Vegas with all of your proceeds."

Bill is understandably shocked and when he asks God why he should do that, the instructions are repeated, only louder. So Bill, having been raised a God- fearing person, ...

What did the slaves owners use to purchase their slaves?

A MasterCard.

My friend advised me to date a cat owner..

..because they can love someone who doesn't even like them back

Once a man goes to a shop to buy a parrot. He asks the shop owner price of the Parrot.

Shop owner: $500

Customer: Why so costly?

Shop owner: He knows Word, Excel and Power Point

Customer: What's the price of this second Parrot?

Shop owner: $1000 as it knows Word, Excel, Power Point and also Programming

Customer: how nice, and what's the price of th...

What is in common between a comedian, a chocolate factory owner and a criminal?

They are all running for Ukraine Presidency in 2019.

The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

An Irishman and an Englishman walk into a bakery.

The Englishman steals 3 buns and puts them into his pockets and leaves. He says to the Irishman, "That took great skill and guile to steal those buns. The owner didn't even see me."

The Irishman replied, "That's just simple thievery, I'll show you how to do it the honest way and get the same...

A man walks into a Large & popular Pet Shop and says to the owner......

"All right, I want to buy a pet, but something special,something different."
The pet shop owner informs him that he has a talking centipede. "Really?" says the man "How much?"
The owner informs him that the talking centipede is 75 dollars.
Happy with the unusual offering the man pays the mo...

I'm thinking about holding a surprise party for the owner of Versace

Donatella

I asked the store owner if they had any protein powder...

He said, "No Whey"

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A man sees a sign outside a house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'....

He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Black Labrador Retriever sitting there.
"Do you really talk?" He asks the dog.
"Yes!" The Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog tal...

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What do you call a business owner that has a small dick?

Short-staffed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is leaving for a business trip and is worried his wife might be unfaithful, so he stops by a sex shop.

He explains his situation to the owner of the store and the owner smiles widely, "I have just the thing for you." From behind the counter she pulls out an old wooden box with strange writing scratched all over it. "I will let you rent this," she says. She opens the box and inside is a large, smooth ...

I said to the pet shop owner "I want a taller stand for my parrot but I haven't much money. Can I get one and pay it off monthly?"

"We don't do higher perches", he replied.

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Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try...

...my fucking goldfish died.

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A gas station owner was trying to increase his sales

So, he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with every full tank gas.'

I saw it; filled my tank and asked for my free sex.

The owner asked me to pick a number from 1 to 10. If i guessed correctly, I would get my free sex.

I guessed 8, and the owner said, 'You were close. The numbe...

A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"

He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

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A Jew and an Arab walk into a bakery. Once inside the Arab grabs three pastries and swiftly stashes them in his pocket.

He says to the Jew, “See how good I am? The owner didn’t see a thing.” The Jew says to the Arab, “That’s typical of you Arabs. I am going to show you an honest way to get the same result.”

He goes to the owner of the bakery and says, “Give me a pastry and I will show you a magic trick.” Intri...

There was a lighthouse owner that noticed the tide was coming way too high and might wash away his home. So he called 911

It was an emerging sea.

The owner of a new business comes to work one day to see that their "Grand Opening" banner had come undone overnight and fell to the ground.

"This is a bad sign" they remark.

A woman went into small town hardware store and told the owner that she needed a new door handle.

He fetched one and asked: "You wanna screw for that?"

She looked around the store and said: "No, but I'll blow ya for that toaster over there."

Old MacDonald has became the owner of a bunch of new farms......

He has now became the CEIEIO

The Ikea owner died, and his funeral was delayed..

They couldn't figure out how to put together his casket.

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A man walks into a bread store and asks the store owner if he has a thousand pieces of bread

The owner looked at the man likes he’s crazy and said “sorry we don’t stock that much bread at once”

The man comes in the next day and asks the owner “do you have a thousand pieces of bread”

The owner replies “I told you already, we don’t stock that much bread at once!”

The sam...

Why did the bar owner flash the band after their last set?

To pay them with exposure.

What did the pizzeria owner say while having withdrawals?

Give me the dough, I KNEAD IT

Saw a guy come racing out of our local flower shop, arms full of random product. Then the shop owner rushed out after him. I couldn't help, so I just yelled encouragement to her:

"Run, florist! Run!"

What does the car say to its new owner as they drive off the lot?

Thank you. I depreciate it.

How does an Apple Watch owner know that it's midday?

It's already run out of battery.

A store owner is depressed when he noticed a sign on his neighbors business saying "Best Deals"

He feels even worse when the business on the other side of him puts up a sign saying
"Lowest Prices"

But then an idea struck him!

The next day he bought an even bigger sign reading "Main Entrance"

Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder finally removes team's controversial and offensive name.

He announced yesterday they will be removing the "Washington" from their name.

Why couldn’t the restaurant owners open a new data center

They didn’t have enough servers

People are always so confused when I say Mark Zuckerberg is a small business owner.

I just don't understand it. I mean, look at the guy; he's 5'7!

A mall owner was speaking to the manager about the Santa Claus hiring for the Christmas holidays.

Owner: So how have the interviews been going? Any good candidates?

Manager: Well there was this one guy today. He was a fat guy, with rosy red cheeks and sporting a large sac. He had the furry cuffs, and a leather belt.

Owner: He sounds like the real deal!

Manager: Actually he h...

Why do convertible owners drive with the top down in rainstorms?

So they can use the car pool lane.

Why did the Pet Store owner call the dentist ?

Because his canine's were loose

A datingsite for mac owners

Finder

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Englishman and welshman

Englishman: "That your dog?"
Welshman: "Yep."
Englishman: "Mind if I speak to him?"
Welshman: "Dog dont talk But."
Englishman: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' all right."
Welshman: (Look of shock!)
Englishman: "Is this Welshman your owner?" (Pointing at the Welshman)
D...

I stopped by my childhood home and asked the owners politely whether I can have a look around. They immediately said no and slammed the door on my face.

My parents can be so rude sometimes.

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A marksman walks into a weapons store, looking to buy a new scope for his sniper riffle

The marksman tells the owner he wants the best one available

The owner shows him a piece and says "this one has a reach of over 1 km. That's so far, you can see crystal clear my house on the hill from here."

The marksman grabs the scope and looks in the direction the shop owner was poi...

How do dogs know that their owner is calling them?

Collar ID

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A store owner gets in an car accident and is at the hospital

His whole family is there to see him as he wakes up. He looks at them and he says,"Joshua, my son, are you here?" "Yes father" says the son. "Mary, my beautiful wife, are you here?" "Yes darling I am!" Says the wife. "Well I only have one question" says the man, "what is it" says the wife. "Who... W...

What did the owner say about their 7 bit dog

Don’t worry, he doesn’t byte

Faithful dog for sale

Faithful dog for sale read the add, as such John called up the owner for details.

- Hey, I saw your offer for a faithful dog, I have a couple of questions.

- Shoot.

- He good with kids?

- Very. He’s kind and gentle and has endless patience.

- yard dog or house do...

A group of three successful bowlers traveled to every bowling alley in their county, talking trash at every alley and winning every game. Finally, the owner of an old ma and pa bowling alley had enough and invited them to a secret underground alley.

The old owner explained the rules to a new type of bowling.


"You place the ball at your feet, and then control the ball with your voice"


"That preposterous" said one of the bowlers.


"No, said the old owner, the acoustics in this room are so finely att...

What did the owner of the Italian restaurant say to the bald man that was trying to dine-and-dash?

You need a toupee!

A pig with a wooden leg and his owner walk into a bar.

His owner orders a beer and begins bragging to the bartender about his pig. "See that scar on his head? He got that rescuing me from a fire," says the guy. "And see that he's only got one eye? He lost the other one saving 17 people from dying in a bus crash." "So what heroic act was he doing when he...

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall...

The owner asks the clerk, "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" The clerk says, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative." 

"You idiot! You can't treat a cough with laxatives!" 
...

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A Rottweiler, Pit Bull, and Great Dane are in kennels at the vet.

The Rott says "my owner's kid got close to my bowl while I was eating so I bit her face. I'm here to be put down."

The Pit says "I keep getting nervous and pissing all over the carpet. My owner's sick of it and I'm here to be put down."

The Dane says "My owner is a beautiful 22 year ol...

A man told his friend he won an iPhone in a race.

The friend says "Oh, wow! How many people were in the race?"

and the man says "Just the policeman, the phone's owner and I."

You walk into a store. The owner holds a gun to you and says buy this or I'll put you in a cage.

Welcome to the government

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You know how dogs take on the personality of their owners?

Your dog is a dick.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar owner has a contest...

The contest is if you can make his horse laugh AND cry within 15 minutes, you can have any and all drinks for free. He knows the contest is quite impossible but, he does it for his own amusement while he’s there. Many have come and all have failed. Very few have actually made the horse laugh or cry ...

Your DUCK IS DEAD

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distres...

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up

One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Wh...

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A man bought a horse whose previous owner had Tourette's [a campfire story--profanity warning]

Bear with me while I provide you with some more relevant details--the man first. His name was George. He was in the market for a fine horse, a quick horse, and one with stamina and perseverance. A horse to explore with.

The horse--The horse was absolutely ideal--he was young, he was fast, ...

An owner of a box manufacturer company goes to his son's school one day...

"Hey kids, I make boxes! Have any questions?"

One kid raised his hand...

"Yea, why does my dad keep talking about filling my mom's box, shouldn't he get his own?"

"Shut up son."

How many Mac owners does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One. He or she just stands there holding the bulb out waiting for the world to revolve around them..... or goes out and buys an adapter first to make the bulb compatible!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Another lady goes to a pet shop...

And lands her eyes on a beautiful parrot. Lovely plumage and everything. She goes to the store owner and says, "I want this parrot. How much is it for?"

The shop owner says, "2000 dollars"

The lady says, "I understand the parrot is beautiful, but isn't the price a bit too high?"
...

What did the owner of a strip club say when he found his girls slacking off?

C’mon ladies, are you twerking hard or hardly twerking?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden.

A Southern plantation owner once saw his slave peeing in the garden. He was amazed looking at the size of the penis he had.

He called him and asked "How come you black men have such big dongs?"

Slave :Its an ancient secret passed on from our tribe through generations,when you have sex,...

A drunk calls a tavern owner early in the morning

The tavern owner picks up, and the drunk says "When are you opening your tavern?" The tavern owner replies and says that he will open at 11 am.

An hour later, the same drunk calls. The tavern owner says "I can't serve you beer until 11 am, I'll be there then." And he hangs up.

At 10:...

A circus owner was in need of a lion tamer.

A circus owner was in need of a lion tamer.
There was 2 people for the job: an old man, with 60 years old, and an amazing looking blonde, with 25 years old.
The circus owner said to the candidates:
- I'm gonna straight to the issue. My lion is very fierce. Or you're really good, or yo...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the pet store owner feed his snakes viagra when they were stuck crawling backwards?

He thought they were suffering from a reptile dysfunction.

Whats a business owners favorite dessert ?

A Profiterole

There was a shooting at my local brothel and everyone was killed but the owner.

He's asking for Thots and Players.

A theater owner has a smudge on his sign

He climbs the ladder to clean it, but he is afraid of heights and soils himself, causing his underwear to stick to him uncomfortably. He now has two problems:

.

.

.

.

Marquee mark and the funky bunch

I'm so sorry

Why did the porcupine stab the petshop owner

He rubbed him the wrong way

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Slave owners used to get black people to pick cotton...

now they get them to pick Democrats.

An owner of a peanut package factory walks in to find a dead body and calls the cops.

The owner nervously watches as the cops arrive, they walk in, stand around the body and whisper quietly. One of the cops points out a small bracelet on the man’s wrist and the other cop nods in agreement. The cops begin to leave when the owner speaks up.

“What’s happening?”

“It’s nothi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Pet shop

A little girl walks in to a pet shop and ask the owner for a rabbit the owner heart melts and says what kind of rabbit do you want a white rabbit a brown rabbit or a grey rabbit and the little girl says "I don't think my python gives a fuck "

What does a marijuana shop owner call his clients?

Kushtomers

A Lada owner comes to Mercedes service

A few years after the collapse of USSR a poor Russian bloke brings his old Lada to a recently opened Mercedes service centre. He takes all of his savings from the pocket, around $100, and tells them that he would love to have some genuine Mercedes parts installed in his Lada. He knows he can't affor...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The owner of my favorite restaurant was arrested for beastiality..

That explains why jerk chicken and pulled pork were the only two menu items.

A vegan, an Italian and a Prius owner walk into a bar.

I know this because they told me when they walked in the door.

Poodle: “My life is a mess. My owner is mean, my girlfriend is leaving me for a German shepherd, and I’m as nervous as a cat.” Collie: “Why don’t you go see a psychiatrist?”

Poodle: “I can’t. I’m not allowed on the couch.”

A stoner walks into an appliance store and asks the owner,

"How much for that TV set in the window?"

The owner looks at the TV set, then looks at the stoner, and says, "I don't sell stuff to potheads."

So the stoner tells the owner that he'll quit smoking pot and will come back the next week to buy the TV.

A week later, the stoner come...

A restaurant owner visits a fridge repair shop...

...and asks, "do y'all do walk-ins?"

A heart surgeon took his car to his local garage for a regular service, where he usually exchanged a little friendly banter with the owner, a skilled but not especially wealthy mechanic.

"So tell me," says the mechanic, "I've been wondering about what we both do for a living, and how much more you get paid than me.."
"Yes?.." says the surgeon.
"Well look at this," says the mechanic, as he worked on a big complicated engine, "I check how it's running, open it up, fix the valves...

When do Honda owners not argue about anything?

When they're in Accords.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bar needs a new pianist, so the owner puts up a sign in the window. “Pianist wanted, apply within”.

A couple of hours later, a young man walks in, and says he is there to apply. The owner sits him down at the piano, and the man breaks out into the most beautiful song ever heard.

The owner immediately wants to hire him, and out of curiosity, asks him the name of the song.

“Well... i...

What did the owner of the brothel say to the guy who tried to come in after hours?

"We're closed. Beat it."

Why did the open source code project owner cross the road?

To git to the other side.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If people went shopping like they do in RPG games, shop owners would be rich

"I'll take 99 boxes of Tylenol, 99 tetanus shots, 99 vials of clear eyes, and what's in that little box over there? screw it -I'll take 99 of them as well."

"Very good sir, may I ask what you will be using these for?"

"Who says I'm gonna use them?"