An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

What would Jesus say after the wise men gave him gifts, if he was a redditor?

Edit: Thanks for the gold

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday

Then he said "Don't spend it in one place."

Why do psychics give the best gifts?

Because it's the thought that counts.

What does getting a Christmas gift and having a kid have in common?

It's usually way more fun to play with the box it came in.

Him: Dude, what gift should i give to a girl that has a meaning?

Me: A dictionary.

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My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

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Three women are talking about their Christmas gifts.

'My husband gave me these beautiful earrings, I love them and I wear them everyday!', says the first woman.

'Oh, that's wonderful!', replies the second one.

'Well, my husband is going to take me on a trip to the Caribbean! I'm so looking forward to it.', then says the third woman.
<...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a brand new bag...

The girl, excited, replied, "Thanks for the Baghdad!"


I'll show myself out now

Birthday gift mother in law

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

My Kids are buying me gifts for Father's day,

Hope I can afford it.

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for 9 months.

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Mailman is making his rounds on his very last day of work. After 25 years on the same route the day had finally come. He was a good mailman and well liked. Therefor many of his regulars had little cookies and parting gifts for him. All was going well until he got to the Smith residence.

When he came to the door and was about to deliver the letters, Mrs. Smith opened the door in a sexy lingerie holding a plate of cookies and invited him in. The mailman, not wanting to be rude took a few cookies, stepped inside and said thank you. As he was about to leave, she said " oh no, we're...

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

- Trojan wall guards, probably.

Three Gifts from God

God is so kind, and he gives Americans three gifts honesty, intelligence, and Donald Trump.

He doesn't want to see Americans become too greedy, so each person can only choose two gifts.

If a person chooses honesty and Trump, then he will not be an intelligent person.

If a person...

The ultimate gift

Three sons left home and everyone went their own way ...

When they returned home together, they boasted about the gifts they gave to their aging mother.

The first said: "I built a big luxury house for my mother."
The second said: "I sent my mom the latest Mercedes with the driver."<...

I just recieved the worst gift of all time...

.. A Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps on telling me to “turn around”

And every now and then it falls apart.

Still, not as bad as the U2 one, where the streets have no names, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

A dying wife gave her husband a gift before she passed

She knew he loved to go fishing so she got him a new fishing pole, some new hooks, and one absurdly long fishing line. One day he went out to the lake to do some fishing, however he never came back and nobody has seen him since. Rumor has it he's still reeling from the loss.

What do Canadians say when exchanging gifts?

Just giver

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A man goes on a business trip

Eager to keep his wife out of trouble while he was away on a long business trip, a businessman went to a store that sold sex toys and started looking around. After browsing through the dildos for something special, he decided to ask the old guy behind the counter.

The old man said "We have vi...

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An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

I am gifting you a Microsoft office license for your birthday

I give you my word.

I got funny looks when I gifted a fir tree as a housewarming gift.

I thought it would spruce the place up a bit.

This is my 27th wedding anniversary, does anyone know the gift for that year?

Is it concrete or lead?

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

A young man and a young woman met at a party, fell in love and moved in together.

Soon, some say too soon after that, they got married. As the newlyweds didn’t have a car, the mother of the bride decided to gift them the family heirloom, a 1965 Mustang GT350 that the brides grandfather had been racing back in the day.

For a while all was well and the bride and the groom sp...

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

Not being vaccinated is a gift that keeps on giving

you things you otherwise wouldn't get.

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary.

His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work.

When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enoug...

A wife asks her husband for a special birthday gift

"It needs to be silver, go zero to 100 in a second and be parked outside the garage"


One bruised eye later I still can't see the problem

The scale was what she asked for

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

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A man who had three beautiful girlfriends

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn't know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you cause I...

There's this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift

And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll. He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.

"Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5."

The dad doesn't ...

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Three kids are talking about the gift they’re going to give their mom for Mother’s Day.

The first one say: I bought her a necklace and a scarf. So if she doesn’t like the necklace she can put on the scarf.

The second kid say: I’m going to give her a ring and gloves. So if she doesn’t like the ring she can always put on the gloves.

The third one say: I’m giving her earring...

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My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two.

Because no one slaps my girls ass but me.

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A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

The man was impressed.
...

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

An Irish Painter

An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar,
was a gifted portrait artist.

Over a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all
over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown in County Clare, to
get him to paint their likenesses.

One ...

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The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?"

The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange them."


The poor man nods. Then the rich man asks him, "So what are yo...

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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The Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor fe...

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A seamen, an airmen, and a green beret, are stranded on an island...

and captured by a tribe of cannibals. The tribe ties them up and brings them in front of the chief. The chief explains to them, “We are going to eat you and skin you and use you to make our new canoes. We thank you for this gift and as a thank you we will allow you to choose the way you die.”
...

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Voodoo Dick [NSFW]

A young Marine was preparing for his first deployment when he overheard some of the senior enlisted in his company talking about their wives cheating on them while they were away.

"My wife screwed the mailman"

"My wife screwed my best friend"

"My wife screwed Ssgt Jones's wife"...

A man was sitting

on the edge of the bed, watching his wife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off, he asked what she’d like as a gift. “I’d like to be eight again,” she replied, still looking in the mirror.
On the morning of her birthday, he rose early, made her a nice big b...

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4 Former Classmates, who were great friends and who haven't seen each other in years meet at a restaurant

After a while of talking one asks: “So guys, how are your eldest sons doing?“ Another one excuses himself to the restroom.

So the first one starts to talk about his eldest son: “I couldn't complain. He is the Ceo of a big car manifacturer and makes good money. He even gifted his lover a Lambo...

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Robin Hood goes out on another mission

Same old same old, steal from the rich, give to the poor.

On this particular run he decides to go to a new town and find the wealthiest man to rob.

Being that he didn’t know anybody, he asked a bum he met on the road who the richest man in town was.

After learning this, Robin Ho...

Not to brag, but I have this weird talent in guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say...it’s a gift.

A woman confronts her husband.

"Before we got married, you used to buy me gifts and expensive jewelry... how come you don't do that anymore?"

The husband pondered this question for a moment.

"Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to a fish that he already caught?"

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10 ISIS suicide bombers decided to blow up a building

"We must pick a building that will have a mass effect on western culture" the leader says. So they research all the popular websites they can find and have decided on the reddit headquarters.

"YES!!" Another exclaimed! "We can not only dismantle their social construct but we can all attack ...

The Meaning Of Life

A young man goes to search for the meaning of life. He decides to ask around.


The first person he meets is a wealthy man. "That's easy," he says. "The meaning of life is to accumulate wealth. Then you can transform and inspire your community." The young man takes this advice to heart. He ...

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A billionaire is throwing a lavish party for an elite crowd of party goers.

Raging well past the midnight hour, the host heads outside and attempts to get everyone's attention by tapping his champagne glass as he walks towards the pool.

"If you could all please direct your attention to the pool, we shall begin tonight's true entertainment!"

A truck backs into ...

Clergy with terrible, terrible habits.

A Catholic priest, a Methodist pastor, a Baptist minister, and an Episcopalian rector were attending an ecumenical conference. After the conferences were done and they had supper, they were relaxing in the hotel restaurant, talking.

The Catholic priest said, "You know, it's great to get to k...

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Back in the middle ages, there was a boy named Eddie, who was born as just a head.

His mother, concerned for his well-being, visited a witch in the woods near their house, seeking a remedy for the poor boy's affliction. The witch felt charitable, looking upon the poor body-less infant, and told Eddie's mother that not only would the boy be fine, she would also make him a body! How...

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

What would be a bad gift for an epileptic teenage boy?

Clap on lights

A 50 year old postman is finally retiring

As he goes down his route one less time everyone showers him with gifts. A watch, a new wallet, money, a farewell card from one of children. All is well, until he comes upon his last house. When he knocks a beautiful woman, scantily clad is at the door. She pulls him in and they make love in her bed...

In a random chat a woman I never met messaged me "You are rather gifted at analingus." I was shocked, I never met her, and I didn't think she communicated with any of my former partners.

Then she messaged correction analogies.

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bo...

What is a very moving gift that you can give to a scientist?

Joules

I asked my girlfriend for a gift that would last the whole year...

She gave me a calendar.

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I gave my Japanese friend a Lacoste top as a gift.

He smiled and said 'Arigato'

I'm fairly certain their logo a crocodile...

The only gift I got for my birthday is a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very difficult to deal with.

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

- Happy birthday Jimmy !!

\-Thank you a lot Emily, I can't wait to see what's my gift.

\-Well, since you're 18 now, I wanted to give you something special, it starts with an "F" and ends with "uck"!

\-OMG!! I'm getting a firetruck!

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

The three wise men came to the manger with gifts for baby Jesus. They brought gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

Looking for a gift that will leave her speechless?

Gorilla glue lip balm.

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

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A woman visits a florist to get some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and inquires about it.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. You see, I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"...

George's Last Day

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.
<...

The Rabbi and the Sheikh

A wealthy Sheikh who was travelling in the US met a terrible accident and would need to undergo blood transfusion. The Sheikh had a rare type of blood that the doctor's had never encountered before.
They made tests from several donors but found no match, days passed and the Sheikh's health was g...

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Your body is like a shitty gift.

You didn’t want it and it breaks before you’re done with it.

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Tough pill to swallow...

So There's this couple and one day the boyfriend finds the a little stuffed bear at a thrift shop and buys it for his girlfriend and gives it to her as a gift
" I saw that this little guy s eyes were sown pointing to each other, and I got it because I know you love imperfect things, because you...

And so the Lord said unto John, “come forth, and you shall receive the gift of eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and received a $10 subway gift card

What prehistoric animal is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

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The Saved Man and the Clairvoyant

DISCLAIMER: I'm pretty sure I had read this joke here before, but I was reminded of it today so I'm going to "pay homage" to it by doing my best recital of it. It's long.

A man walks into a pub, orders himself a pint, and sits at a small table in the corner by himself. He enjoys his beer for...

what is something you can give out as a Christmas gift but still able to keep it at the same time?

flu

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into t...

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

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A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband.

Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie.

Husband: that's very nice of you. But why?

Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite.

Husband: oh, thank you my love.

Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed a...

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

A poor, struggling couple decided on no gifts for Christmas

On Christmas morning, the woman wakes up her husband:
"Honey, I know we said no gifts but I wanted to still celebrate Christmas with what we have."

She takes out two lighters and holds them in each hand exclaiming "look, Christmas lights!"
Next, she takes out a pair of keys and rattles ...

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

Why don’t psychics shake gifts from dead people?

They can only feel their presents

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Small Anatomy Contest

This is a joke to tell in a group of guy friends:

3 guys find out about a contest to find who has the smallest body parts.

Guy 1: I've got the smallest hands in the world! I can win this one easy.

Guy 2: My ears are tiny! I can win the smallest ears contest, no problem.

G...

What's the best gift for a zen master?

A house, because they like to live in the present.

Before buying Christmas gifts for your friend's children, ask them what they like because it'll make your life easier.

For example, I asked my friend's daughter what she was into and she said "anything Frozen" so I bought her a bag of peas and some Pizza Pockets. Easiest Christmas shopping ever!

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Oh, Little Johnny.....at it again

One day, about a week prior to his birthday, Little Johnny’s dad asks, “Johnny, I know your birthday is coming up, and your mother and I really want it to be a good one, but with your mother losing her job recently, and the fact that we have a $280,000 mortgage, we may not be able to spend too much....

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

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[NSFW] so, this guy is going on a business trip,

and he doesn't want his wife to get horny and not have anyone to help, so he decides to get her a little gift. he heads on down to a sex shop, and he's looking at the dildos. "too short. too think. ... WAY too big.." so he goes up to the clerk and asks "hey, you have anything really special?" the cl...

A Parting Gift

An explorer, during a trek through an unknown jungle, made contact with a primitive tribe, and swapped basic language and customs. The day comes for the explorer to depart and, as a parting gift, he gives a fine silver mirror to the chief of the tribe. The chief takes the mirror in awe, and as the e...

Why do stores sell more gifts during Valentine’s Day compared to Mother’s Day?

Because mom we only got one.

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To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

Whenever I procrastinate on buying a gift, I just remind myself...

There’s no time like the present.

I bought a pair of shoes from a drug dealer today

Isnt it funny what you can find in pharmacies' gift/novelty shops?

They say kids are gifts...

But I prefer to play with the box they come in.

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Hitler is on a limousine on his way to the Reichstag

His chauffeur is driving his volkswagen across a rural street.

At the first farm they come across, they drive over a chicken.

Hitler goes to apologize to the farmer people and comes back with a black eye.

They drive on and Hitler is pretty unhappy about this.

The next far...

Kids may be a gift.....

But I like playing with the box it came in.

How does Snoop give Eminem a Christmas gift?

Gangsta wrapped.

For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn’t what I had in mind

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and ...

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

Blind man and cheese grater

A blind guy gets a cheese grater as a present for his birthday.

A few weeks later he met the person who gifted it to him.

He says "I loved the book you got me for my birthday,but it was really violent!"

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A man is deciding between three women, which to be with. He tests them by giving them each $5000 to see what they each do with the money.

The first woman got a complete spa treatment and makeover to make herself look good for the man. The second woman took her $5000 and bought the man gifts, gadgets and trinkets he’d like to make him happy. The third woman invested the money, made a hefty return on it, and paid back the man his $5000....

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When I was a young boy, my fairy godmother gave me a choice of two gifts.

She told me I could either have a long memory, or a long penis. I can't remember which one I picked now...

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about.
The letter read:
Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the...

A man walks into a Toy shop...

He walks up to a shop assistant and asks what Barbie dolls the store has as he needs a gift for his daughter, the assistant replies "Come with me and I'll show you". The store assistant brings the man to the Barbie aisle and says "we have a hairdresser Barbie for £20, a BMX Barbie for £35, a footba...

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