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Gift Jokes

On his 74th birthday, an old man received a gift certificate from his wife...

The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded to go, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man and wondered what he was in for.

Th...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

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Gift for sweetheart

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for her
birthday. As they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration
he decided a pair of gloves would strike just the right note: romantic, but
not too personal.

Accompanied by the sweetheart's sister, he w...

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

Wife: "You always get the worst anniversary gifts."

Husband: "You didn't say over. Over."

Gifts for the Teacher

It was the end of the school year, and a teacher was receiving gifts from her pupils.

The florists son handed her a wrapped gift. She gently shook it, held it overhead and said, "I bet I know what it is. Flowers." "Thats right!", the boy said, "But, how did you know?" "Oh, just a wild guess" ...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

My girlfriend told me that if I bought her one more stupid gift then she would burn it

So I bought her a candle

What gift did the armless child receive for christmass?

I don't know, he didn't unwrap it.

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A husband’s gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned.

The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.

So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag. The girl replied,

"Thanks for the Baghdad"

This Halloween I went as a 'former gifted student.'

I just wore normal clothes, and when people asked me what I was supposed to be, I sighed and said "I was supposed to be a lot of things."

My boyfriend doesn't know me at all, he keeps giving me birds as gifts, and I don't understand it. Should we break up?

Edit: He actually just gave me five golden rings! Maybe he really does know me (:

Edit2: More birds again

A lottery ticket is a weird gift to give someone

it’s like “Here. This has a 99% chance of being disappointing. I saw it and thought of you”

When my three-year-old son opened the birthday gift from hisgrandmother,

he discovered a water pistol. He squealed with delight andheaded for the nearest sink.

I was not so pleased. I turned to Mom and said, "I'm surprised at you. Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with waterguns?"

Mom smiled and then replied....."I remember."

What did the disappointed mozart-fan infant say when he opened his gift?

Baby got Bach

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For a wedding gift a guy decides to tattoo his wife's name on his penis.

When erect it proudly reads "Wendy" on the side of his shaft, but when soft it only shows "Wy". While on his honeymoon in the Caribbean, he is using the bathroom and notices the guy in the urinal next to him also has a "Wy" on his penis. He then asks the guy if his wife is named Wendy. The guy re...

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Classic gift

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, as they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note... romantic, but not too personal.


Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went...

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Granma always shit on our gifts…

My whole family went in to buy Gran one of those chair lifts to get up to the second floor “her bedroom is on the 2nd and she has been struggling over the last few years”. We had a professional install it and finally got everyone together to see her. We asked her “Hey Granma, how do you like the lif...

I met a fortune teller and he gave me a calendar as a little gift.

What a lovely thought, it's just a shame there's five months missing at the end of the year.

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The morning of my wife's birthday, I handed her her first gift.

As she unwrapped it she said, "It's a fucking wand! What do I want with a fucking wand?"

"It's not just any wand," I replied, "It's a magic wand!"

"Really?" she said. "What does it do?"

"Why don't you give it shake," I told her, "and don't forget to say the magic words."

...

I gave my Marine buddy a gag gift.

I thought it would be funny to give him a 30 piece wooden jigsaw puzzle, intended for toddlers, as a birthday gift, but it backfired on me. Now, every time I see him, I have to listen to him brag about his puzzle skills.

"The box says 2-4 years, but I finished it in only a week and a half!"

I got an wedding invite that said, “We are not accepting any gifts. Your presence on our special day is a gift in itself.”

Reading it, I realized that I wasn’t invited.

"Dad, are you planning on getting me a gift for my birthday?"

"Of course, but your mother and I would like to get you something you will enjoy, what is it you want?"


"Well, crypto is hot - how about a Bitcoin."


"A Bitcoin? Sheesh, those things cost $45,237! Do you know how long it takes me to earn $31,479? Some day you'll have a job y...

Mom's birthday gifts

3 guys, who were brothers, were all discussing what gifts they were getting for their elderly mother for her birthday.

The first brother, named Michael, said, "I bought mom her very own Lexus and chauffeur. She was always complaining about not being able to drive well."

Jeremy, the se...

Gift That Keeps Giving

A guys wife tells him she really wants to learn to Ocean Kayak. He tries to tell her that she must take lessons and will have to buy expensive equipment.  She explains it is her life long dream, so he supports her fully.

A few months later,  she is ready for her first Ocean Kayak experience...

This is my 27th wedding anniversary, does anyone know the gift for that year?

Is it concrete or lead?

What gift do you get a dad with five kids?

A vasectomy

The best housewarming gift...

is a furnace

My wife said that if I got her any more stupid gifts she'd burn it.

I hope she likes her candle

What’s the best present you can gift?

A broken drum.

Nobody can beat that.

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Santa's gifts

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket f...

A gift from Kanye

A gal walks into a bar and orders a beer. "I got an anonymous gift for Valentine's Day, but I'm pretty sure it's actually from Kanye West," she tells the bartender. "What makes you think that?" the bartender asks. "The bad wrapping," she replies.

If you give someone a Mahler Symphony record as a gift

Would it be considered a “Gustav Christmas Present?”

This mothers day send the gift of Microsoft Office

Word to your mother

The only gift I got for my birthday was a deck of sticky playing cards.

I find that very hard to deal with.

What do you call a politician with half a brain?

Gifted.

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

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My husband brought a penis pump for a gift.

He thought long and hard about this one!

On his way home from work, a man realizes he has forgotten a birthday gift for his daughter...

He stops at Toys R Us and heads straight to the Barbies. Overwhelmed by all of his choices, he approaches a nearby sales associate. She then proceeds to show him their most popular Barbie dolls.

"Well, here we have Astronaut Barbie, Surfer Barbie, and Veterinarian Barbie... but our most popu...

I was gifted a resistor by an old monk

So far, I haven't been able to use it in any circuits due to it's abnormally high resistance. Too mamy ohms.

What's the worst christmas gift you could give to Steven Hawking?

A Walkie-Talkie.

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God's Gifts

God is with Eve and Adam in the garden, He's about to leave, but has one last gift for each of them. "Which of you my children would like to pee standing up?" Adam jumps forward..."Me... Me!" God makes it so and Adam, looking pleased, goes to try it out. When Adam returns, God has left, and Eve is...

I just finished the book my friend gifted me on herd mentality.

But I haven't read the reviews yet so I don't know if I like it.

An old woman and her birthday gifts

An old woman had three sons. Two were rich and the other was poor. This woman's 90th birthday was coming up and this depressed the poorer son as he knew he could never match his brothers gifts in terms of expense or splendour.

However, he didn't give up and thought of gift she would really l...

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Anniversary Gifts

A rich man and a poor man are talking about what they gave their wives for their respective anniversaries. The rich man says, "I got my wife a Mercedes and a three karat diamond ring." The poor man says, "Why did you get her both?" "Because if she doesn't like one she always has the other. What did ...

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

My insurance company sent me a gift for my Reddit anniversary.

It was cake from State Farm.

My parents always told me I'm a gift from the Lord

They just have to figure out how to return it.

My wife is never gonna believe why her valentine gifts aren’t here today.

I ordered her balloons from Temu but they keep getting shot down.

Son asks his father for a gift

Son: - Dad I need a gift for my birthday

Dad: - What do you want Son

Son: - I need a Bitcoin

Dad: - What?? Why do you need $ 35K for?? You know how difficult it is to earn $ 25K dollars?? You will learn difficulty of earning $ 40K when you get a job

A gift in the driveway

Bob was in big trouble. **He forgot his wedding anniversary...**
His wife was really angry. She told him “**Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!**”
The next morning he got up early and left for work. When hi...

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A Birthday Gift For My Dad

This conversation has to have come up before with these devices. I generally don't have much wit, but my Dad pitched me such a lob, I couldn't resist to nail him with the "obvious."

I called my Dad to ask him if he might like a set of Tile Stickers. These are cool little devices you can stick...

Saved some money on the gift, though!

I recently received an invitation to a wedding that would have been difficult to attend.

In hindsight, "Maybe next time" probably wasn't the best RSVP.

Gifted child!

My parents always said I was a gifted child. Turns out they meant someone left me on their doorstep in a box.

Best gift for your Valentine.

An upright organ. . .

Think about it.

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school.......

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she...

Wedding gift

Wife: are you serious? This is your wedding gift for our 30 year marrige?
Me over walkie tolkie: you didnt say over.over.

What’s the one gift zoophiles can’t give their significant other of Valentines Day?

Chocolate

Why was the anti-vaxxer’s 3 year old crying?

They were having a mid-life crisis.

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

GIFT

**I gave my blind friend a cheese-grater for his birthday.**

He said it was the most violent book he'd ever read

I was on my way to the Christmas event when I realized I had no gift to bring.

Pa rum pum pum pum

I gave an assassin a gift for Christmas

It was a hit

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say ofcourse he was Jewish

+ 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
+ Working in his father's business
+ His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

****
_by Robin Williams_

Happy Birthday Robin!

A Father's Gift

A proud new father sits down with his dad to have a drink.

"Well son, now that you have a son of your own its time I gave
you something."

"Dad you dont mea-"

"Yes I do. You've earned it." Says the father as he passes a copy of '1001 Dad Jokes 5th Edition' to the son.

...

They say every day is a gift.

That’s why I’m always living in the present!

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

What's the best gift to get a "woke" person...?



Sleeping pills...

I'm working on a show that focuses on the life of a gifted airplane captain.

Producers said that if I wanted to be successful, I'd need an excellent pilot.

My wife told me she was going to London and asked if I wanted a gift.

I replied: I would like a British girl.

She returned a month later and I asked her where my gift was.

She told me to wait nine months.

Why is everyone so mad at me? I was told to bring a “Hostess” gift to the party…

…I brought a DOZEN Twinkies.

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Birthday Gift for old man

So this old man is sitting in his condo in Boca and his doorbell rings and he goes to the door to see a gorgeous young woman and she says, “your friends all chipped in and sent me as a gift for you for an evening of super sex!”

So he thinks for a second and asks, “So what’s the soup?”

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A group of aging Rockstars are hanging out and comparing who has received the most impressive gift…

They are in Roger Daltrey’s house and he is showing off an exquisite pinball machine.
“This Custom Tommy Pinball Machine was given to me by the Prime Minister of Sweden. He loved Tommy so much he had it specially made. The balls and all the metal fixtures are made of real Sterling Silver!”
<...

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My wife said she wants a small gift this year for Valentine's day

So I'm making her a dildo cast from my own penis.

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A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. As a test, he decided to give each woman $5,000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself
a complete makeover, She told him,
"I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad and an 80-inch flatscreen television. She said,"I bought th...

Buying yourself an Uber gift card is ironic.

Cause it's a free ride when you've already paid.

Anniversary gifts

A friend of mine was explaining to me that she wasn't sure what to get her boyfriend for their upcoming anniversary but that he was dropping hints about matador equipment and communist paraphernalia. I told her those are big red flags.

Alcohol is a gift

That’s why it’s called depressant

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There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail with illegible addresses…

One day, a letter came addressed in shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

“Dear God,

I am an 83-year-old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which...

The ultimate gift

Three sons left home and everyone went their own way ...

When they returned home together, they boasted about the gifts they gave to their aging mother.

The first said: "I built a big luxury house for my mother."
The second said: "I sent my mom the latest Mercedes with the driver."<...

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Christmas Gifts

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

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What did your husband get YOU?

Three southern belles stood together gossiping. The topic of discussion were gifts from their husbands. Here's how it went.

Pointing at a house on top of a hill, the first southern belle boasts, "Y'all ain't never seen a house like that. My husband built me that there house!" The second south...

A Parting Gift

An explorer, during a trek through an unknown jungle, made contact with a primitive tribe, and swapped basic language and customs. The day comes for the explorer to depart and, as a parting gift, he gives a fine silver mirror to the chief of the tribe. The chief takes the mirror in awe, and as the e...

Kids may be a gift.....

But I like playing with the box it came in.

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Give a child the gift of time (NSFW)

Here's a truly heartwarming story about the bond formed between a little 4-year-old girl and some construction workers that will make you believe that we all can make a difference when we give a child the gift of our time.

A young family moved into a house, next to a vacant lot. One day, a co...

Nick Cannon one tried gifting Mariah Carey a parcel of land for the holidays but she wasn’t happy.

She told me, “ I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

The gift

"Brian, what's wrong with you? You've been sitting at your desk looking depressed for the last five minutes!"


"Oh Dan", responded Brian "I don't know what to do! I got in a big fight last night with my Suzie, she claims I never buy her gifts, so I must not care about her!"


"Br...

50 cent gave Eminem a Christmas gift

Eminem was taken aback and choked up as he unwrapped the beautiful hand-made Christmas sweater.

Holding back tears, he turns to 50 and asks...

G-g-g-gee, you knit?

I always get the worst gifts for my wife.

She said the next time I bring her a bad gift she is going to burn it. So I bought her a candle.

My wife said she wanted her birthday gift to go from 0-200 in less than ten seconds...

...so I bought her a bathroom scale.

My parents' Christmas gift for me.

When Christmas day arrived, I was so excited to open my gifts that I woke up before my alarm. I went down stairs and opened a thin, rectangular box. It was a book! The title read, Anti-gravity. I read that book the whole day as I couldn't put it down.

What's the best gift a parent can give their child?

Presence

There is a restaurant that advertises that it will serve you anything you want, but if they can't, then they will gift you $5000 as an apology.

A man passing by sees this message advertised at the entrance, and believes this to be bullshiet, but decides to try it out anyway.

He enters and a waiter takes him to a table. The waiter asks, "What would you like to eat today, sir?"

Man: "I would like an elephant's ear and a muffin ...

UNAPPRECIATED HANUKKAH GIFT

A Jewish guy's mother gives him two sweaters for Hanukkah. The next time he visits her, he makes sure to wear one.

As he walks into the house, his mother frowns and asks, "What -- you didn't like the other one?"

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A mail carrier is about to retire…

So he puts a note in all of his mailboxes letting people know that his last day would be at the end of the week.

On his last day, neighbors were showering him with gifts and praise for his many years of faithful service.

As he approaches a house in his route, he realizes that he’s ne...

Birthday gift mother in law

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

The lesser-known fourth Wise Man brought baby Jesus the gift of protein powder.

It was a whey in a manger.

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It was my birthday…

Not that long ago I had a birthday. My girlfriend had no idea what to gift me. Then, on a whim, she said, “I know. Let’s watch a porn and we can do everything they do.” I was really excited until she fucked the pizza guy.

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

- Trojan wall guards, probably.

They say kids are gifts...

But I prefer to play with the box they come in.

Gold chains sound like a Christmas gift you'd get for a really really good slave

-Someone who worked on Norm Macdonald Has a Show

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

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Buying a hoarder a birthday gift has its ups and downs...

On one hand, they already have everything. On the other, they’ll always cherish your present.

The gift.

Knowing that the minister had a very sore throat, an elderly woman presented him with a bottle of cherry brandy.

"This is quite soothing,” the woman said, "but please don’t tell anyone I gave you liquor. Everyone thinks I am teetotaler."

"I understand," replied the good man.

...

I got funny looks when I gifted a fir tree as a housewarming gift.

I thought it would spruce the place up a bit.

I was given a very expensive looking camera as a gift today.

They were foreign tourists, so I didn't understand the rest, but it was still a nice gesture.

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday

Then he said "Don't spend it in one place."

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