Three sons left home, went out into the business world and all prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.

The first said, "I built a big house for our mother." The second said, "I sent her a Lexus with a driver." The third smiled and said, "I've got you both beat. You know how much Mom enjoys reading the Bible? And you know she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the enti...

An angel appears in a puff of smoke to a man and says to him, "Because you have lived a good and virtuous life, I can offer you a gift: you can be the most handsome man in the world, or you can have infinite wisdom, or you can have limitless wealth." Reflecting, the man says, "I'll take the wisdom"

"Wisdom is yours," says the angel, disappearing in another puff.
The smoke is barely clear before the man thinks, "I should have taken the money."

A sales representative stops at a small manufacturing plant. He presents a box of cigars to the manager as a gift.

“No, thanks" says the plant manager. "I tried smoking a cigar once, but I didn't like it".

The sales rep shows his display case and then, hoping to clinch a sale, offers to take the manager out for a round of drinks.

"No, thanks" the plant manager replies. "You know, I tried alcohol on...

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My sister got a fucking Cadillac on her birthday and all I got was an Amazon gift card.

It's fucking unfair, now I have to wait until my own birthday to get a good present.

My parents' Christmas gift for me.

When Christmas day arrived, I was so excited to open my gifts that I woke up before my alarm. I went down stairs and opened a thin, rectangular box. It was a book! The title read, Anti-gravity. I read that book the whole day as I couldn't put it down.

What's the best gift a parent can give their child?

Presence

I sent my ex-girlfriend a gift basket of food

Via FedEx.

Rich people start their meals by saying "Bless us oh Lord for these thine gifts..."

Poor people say "Ramen."

I dressed up as a gifted kid for Halloween.

When my neighbors asked what I was supposed to be, I sadly replied, "I was supposed to be a lot of things..."

Here’s a classic jewish joke.

A mother brings her son two new ties as a birthday gift for her adult son. Later, in the evening the two meet for dinner and the son is wearing one of the ties. His mother takes one look at him and says, “You didn’t like the other tie?”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want a chicken as my cake day gift

but a cock will do will do

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In a city park stood two naked statues, a male and a female. They faced each other for many years. One morning an angel appeared and said, "Since you have brought joy to so many people, I am giving you your greatest wish. I hereby give you the gift of life. You have 30 minutes to do as you desire."

And with that command the statues came to life, smiled at each other, ran toward some nearby woods and dove behind a couple of bushes.

The angel smiled to himself as he listened to the two statues giggling, bushes rustling and twigs snapping. After 15 minutes, the two statues emerged from the...

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.

"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.

"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communicate with animals....

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THE GIFT

*trust me its too long to be worth reading.*

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note romantic, but not too personal. Accompanied by...

Alcohol is a gift

That’s why it’s called depressant

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do Chinese people love IPhones and Apple products?

Because the greatest gifts are the ones your children made.

(inspired by u/lorenzomofo 's comment on a
r/nextfuckinglevel post)

Women always say they want a gift that comes from the heart...

But if you give them blood they freak out.

What did the disappointed mozart-fan infant say when he opened his gift?

Baby got Bach

My best friend Emily and her girlfriend Sarah gifted me a Rolex.

Really appreciate the present but not what I meant when I said I wanna watch

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Christmas Gifts

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well, if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange th...

A father in Iraq gifted his daughter a new bag.

The girl replied: Thanks for the Baghdad

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

Father's Day gift joke!!

What do you call a dog that can do magic tricks?

A labracadabrador!!

I wanted to give my brother a gift for his 40th birthday that says “It’s all downhill from here.”

He told me not to, he already has a picture of me.

The perfect gift for her? Let her come home to candles leading up to the bedroom, let her open the door to find you lying completely naked on a rose-petal covered bed, and let her hear those three magic words...

'welcome home grandma'

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A young woman visits a florist to buy some flowers for her mother.

As she's perusing, she notices the most gorgeous rose she's ever seen sitting next to the cashier, and asks for its price.

"Oh, sorry," the cashier replies. "That one's not for sale. I got that as a gift from a fellow florist for hooking him up with a woman I met yesterday."

"Yesterday...

Little Johnny and the teacher's gift

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store ow...

For her birthday, the only gift I got my wife is an alarm clock that swears at her instead of beeping.

She’s in for a rude awakening.

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My girlfriend and I just had an argument about posting our sextape, from start to finish online.

Is it pronounced Jif (like peanutbutter) or Gif (like gift)?

My AA sponsor said coke & hookers are not an appropriate Birthday gift..

So i took my business elsewhere!

Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention

They call it the enter prize.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

Once upon a time, in the magical fantasy kingdom, there lived a young monk named Sam.

His order was renowned for their beautiful choral singing. They trained, hours every day, refining their voices and their art. Their song floated down the mountainside, enriching the lives and souls of the townspeople below.

Sam was particularly gifted, and on his 19th birthday, in mid-song, ...

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A man going on a business trip visits a witch doctor for his wife

He explains to the witch doctor that his wife has a very high sex drive and he wants to make sure she can satisfy herself while hes gone. No ordinary item will do.

The witch doctor nods and says "I have just the right thing." And he pulls out a box. "This is a voodoo dick. It is quite easy to...

I'm selling Amazon gift codes on eBay.

If anyone's interested, they are in a mint condition and only used once.

Wedding anniversary gifts can be pricey: 5 year celebration gift is Silverware, 15 years are Rubies and Pearls are 30. Now, at 31 years there is finally one I can get behind,

we're going to Baskin-Robbins.

The Queen of England had a gift for a man who would soon be knighted. She insisted that he be given the gift at the ceremony but told her staff to keep it a secret.

She wanted it to be a Sir Prize.

Bob was in big trouble......

He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the ...

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God has two last gifts to hand out to Adam and Eve.

"The first gift I have is the ability to pee while standing up." God says

"Please Lord, let me have this gift. It will be so much easier for me to take care of the animals, and tend the fields, without having to sit down to pee. My darling Eve, please let me have this amazing gift." Adam begg...

What did the man with no hands get for his christmas gift?

Gloves. Just Joking.
He still hasn't opened the gift.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife

Very Long Read:

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.

A guy who purchased his lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversa...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Japanese ninjas were historically required to wrap any gifts in the same cloth they used to cover their faces

They had to mask their presents

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

Hillary Clinton goes to a gifted-student primary school in New York to talk about the world.

After her talk she offers to answer questions from the kids.

One little boy puts up his hand. Hillary asks him what his name is.

"Kenny," he says.

"And what is your question, Kenny?" she asks.

"I have four questions," he says.
"First -- what happened in Benghazi? Seco...

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A priest and nun are traveling through the desert when their camel suddenly dies

They are stranded there distraught and sure to die. Finally the priest looks at the nun and says,

“Sister, I have to be honest with you, being a man of God I have never looked upon the body of a naked woman and, as we are sure to die, I would like to see one before I go.”

The nun looks...

Billy's birthday gift

Little Billy just turned 8. His parents went all out for the party. They rented a bounce house. The cake was three layers. They even hired the best clown in the state. All of Billy's friends from school were there, even some of the older cool kids made it. At the end of the party, when everyone left...

A rabbi is planning on retiring.

A rabbi is planning on retiring. Over the years he's saved up all the foreskins from all the circumcisions he's taken part in and he decides to take them to the local leatherworker. The rabbi explains that he'd like to have a retirement gift made out of the foreskins and the leatherworker agrees a...

I once opened a gift shop on an ice-burg..

It went into liquidation

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man had 3 girlfriends but did not know which one to marry.

As a test, he decided to give each one 5000$ to see how they would spend it.

The first one went and got herself a complete makover and told him, i made myself pretty with the money for you because i love you so much

The second one went and bought him new golf him new golf clubs, clothe...

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They're the Tolkien white guys.









Edit: Swigity Swoo, I got a silver from you?

Edit: Golly Gee, a gold for me?

Edit: Boo hoo, a baby snoo too?

Edit: Cowabunga Grift, I got a coin gift!

Edit: Beagle pup, here comes a bless up!

A former student of a Geology professor at a major University returned one day to give the professor a gift of a unique soil sample he had collected from a river while on a trip....

To which the professor replied, "I appreciate the sediment"

A young man is finally about to leave for college

His things are all packed up and he is at the door.

"Father, i'm about to leave." He said.

"Son, im so proud of you. I wanted to give you a little gift before you go." His father said emotionally.

He reached out and hands him car keys.

"I want you to take the family car a...

Why is a broken drum the best gift?

It can’t be beat

My girlfriend said that if I bought her one more stupid gift she would burn it,

So I bought her a Candle

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Mind Reader

The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn’t bring his swimming trunks, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, he got out of the water and noticed two old ladi...

What part of a contract entitles you to free gifts?

The Santa Clause.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man needs to leave for lengthy a business trip, but his wife is saddened by this

She explains to him that if he isn’t home every night, there will be no way to satisfy herself if she feels horny. The man claims that she doesn’t need sex, because a dildo should work just fine. He quickly runs to the local gift shop and asks the cashier if the store carries anything really special...

The Lord said to John "Come forth and recieve eternal life"

But John came in fifth and won a Best Buy gift card.

Late katherine Johnson was such a gifted Mathematician

That when she died at age 101 she was in her prime.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Birthday Presents

A rich man and a poor man are talking when the poor man says to the rich man, "My wife's birthday is this week and I don't know what to get her. What did you get your wife for her birthday?"

The rich man says, "I got her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes"

When the poor man asks why he ...

Why so many gifts on the Ellen show?

For the name of the host is Ellen the Generous

Why does Santa Claus always carry that big bag of gifts?

That’s just how he presents himself.

Today was my birthday and my parents gave me a whistle as a gift...

Oh man!!! this thing blows

P.s. : excuse my English, not my first language

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another Parrot

A society woman is given a parrot as a gift. She quickly teaches the parrot to announce the various guests who arrive at her many parties. As Mr. and Mrs. Smith arrive, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and Mrs. Smith." As Mr. and Mrs. Jones arrived, the parrot would say, "Introducing Mr. and M...

People tend to give teddy bears as gifts for Valentine's Day.

The standard teddy or panda bears seem popular this year. I've got my girlfriend a koala bear because she loves them.

Plus, I don't know a better way to tell her that I've got chlymidia.

This Valentine's Day, I'm sending telepathic gifts.

Because it's the thought that counts.

Wedding gift

Wife: are you serious? This is your wedding gift for our 30 year marrige?
Me over walkie tolkie: you didnt say over.over.

Dad, what was the best birthday gift mom ever gave you?

\- It was you, my son.

\- But dad I wasn't born on your birthday, my birthday is exactly 3 months before yours.

\- Exactly

Christmas night

One night as santa was doing his usual job of putting gifts under the Christmas tree a kid woke up and asked Santa
"Santa? Why are your sacks so big?"
"Because i come once a year"

Four dads are arguing, each dad claims to have the best son in the world.

The first dad says, "My son is the best because he is so rich, I only gave him a small loan of a million dollars and he ended up making four billion dollars from his multi-billion dollar hotel business. He has even appeared on many TV shows. He is so successful that he was elected to lead a country....

I have a friend who is gifted at building enclosures for horses...

He's known as the "stable genius".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Heard this one on the sopranos today.

A rich guy and a poor guy have their wedding anniversary on the same day. They meet each other at the shopping complex.
The poor guy asks the rich guy "what'd you get for your wife today?"
The rich guy replies " I got her a diamond ring and a mercedes"
The poor guy asks "Why did you get tw...

Brooks Brothers just filed for bankruptcy

so now I might never be able to use this $50 gift card on one sock.

Tom absolutely loves tractors

A little boy named Tom was approaching his 3rd birthday, and absolutely adored the show "Tractor Tom", partially because of his name being spoken, and partially because he loved tractors.

As the day drew nearer, his parents decided to buy him a toy tractor as a gift. The rest of his toys wer...

What does getting a Christmas gift and having a kid have in common?

It's usually way more fun to play with the box it came in.

I just recieved the worst gift of all time...

.. A Bonnie Tyler sat nav. Keeps on telling me to “turn around”

And every now and then it falls apart.

Still, not as bad as the U2 one, where the streets have no names, and I still haven't found what I'm looking for.

What do you call it when Santa doesn't bring you any gifts?

Hanukkah

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

My mom told me about how Santa’s job is to give me a gift once a year and then not come back again for another year

I was just wondering why my dad changed his name to Santa

My dad gave me a Walmart gift card for my birthday

Then he said "Don't spend it in one place."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

A dad brings his son to the top of a mountain

- Son. Here are my gifts for you.

Shall this hound protect you from any danger...

And just the sound that this staff makes against the ground will make anyone standing on you path step aside...

Also... when I die, everything you can see from here... will be yours.

- I'm b...

People say to me Jesus was not Jewish

## I say of-course he was Jewish

* 30 years old, Single, Living at home with his parents
* Working in his father's business
* His mother thought he was God's gift

## He's Jewish. Give it up

*by Robin Williams*

Happy Birthday Robin!

My friend moved to a new house recently, so I bought him a housewarming gift.

It was a radiator.

A woman walks into a local book shop

She wants to read a classic, and is excited to find a copy of Jane Eyre. When she goes to pay, the owner tells her, “I’m so sorry, that wasn’t supposed to be for sale. I mean to gift it to my daughter.”

She goes to find another book and come across a collection of Shakespeare plays. She goes ...

Why does santa give bad gifts to naughty kids?

Because he's not coal with them.

A man decides he's going to travel the world and preach the word of God...

In his travels he comes across a tribe. The chief can speak English and so they take him in, give him food, water and shelter and in the morning he asks that they gather to hear what he has to say.

"So", says the man "let me tell you the story of Jesus Christ." And he tells the story of Jesus...

My Kids are buying me gifts for Father's day,

Hope I can afford it.

Pet birds are the hot Christmas gift this year

They are flying off the shelves

Santa.

I'm a judge. I strive to bring justice and make things fair.

I realised recently that Santa always gives others gifts but he gets nothing in return.

So next Christmas I gave him a couple years in jail for mutliple cases of breaking and entering.

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth.”

- Trojan wall guards, probably.

I am gifting you a Microsoft office license for your birthday

I give you my word.

Every day is a gift!

By the way, did you keep the receipt for this one? I'd like an exchange.

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

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Ladies night out...

So, two ladies ditch their husbands for a ladies night out on a Friday night and they go do whatever middle-aged women think is cool to do on a Friday night. One thing leads to another and these two ladies have drunk a little bit too much and decide to head home and sleep it off. So they're driving ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about George Clooney?

George Clooney called 14 of his closest friends and said “Hey, mark Sept 27th, 2013, on your calendar. Everyone’s going to come to my house for dinner.”

The 14 friends belonged to varying economic backgrounds. One of them was married to Cindy Crawford while another was riding his bicycle on h...

A man was invited to a wedding...

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them:

1. Bride's relatives
2. Groom's relatives

He entered the groom's door and found two doors again:

1. Ladies
2. Men

He entered the men's door and found two doors again:<...

Birthday gift mother in law

My mother in law asked for her birthday ' something for in bath'. Too bad she didn't like my toaster...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend and his girlfriend loved sexting, so I bought him a gift so they could always stay in contact.

In hindsight her funeral probably wasn’t the best time to give him the Ouija Board.

Him: Dude, what gift should i give to a girl that has a meaning?

Me: A dictionary.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Statues

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park until one day, an angel came down from heaven. "You've been such exemplary statues," the angel said, "that I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, during wh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My mom told me this joke

Donald and Tommy walk into a wedding.

Everyone brings amazing gifts for the couple.

Donald brings a peanut as his gift.

The couple finds this offensive and decides to shove the peanut up Donald's ass.

But then Donald starts laughing.

The couple asks him why he is d...

Three Gifts from God

God is so kind, and he gives Americans three gifts honesty, intelligence, and Donald Trump.

He doesn't want to see Americans become too greedy, so each person can only choose two gifts.

If a person chooses honesty and Trump, then he will not be an intelligent person.

If a person...

Two nuns were walking home one night down a very dark street.

One nun was called Sister Mathematical because of her gift for numbers and the other nun was called Sister Logical because of her gift for reasoning. They soon noticed that a man was following them. They would speed up, and he would speed up. They would stop, and he would stop. Sister Mathematical s...

Wife: I am going to London, what gift do you want?

Husband: One British girl.

*wife returns from London*

Husband: Where is my gift?

Wife: Wait for 9 months.

What do you call gift-wrapped marijuana?

Pretty dope.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor fe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An elderly religious woman receives an 80 year old parrot as a gift but it has the worst language.

It goes through every possible cuss word every day and night. She talks to a friend that tells her about a bird whisperer. She meets with him and he tells her to leave the parrot with him for one week.
When he brings the bird back she notices a string tied to each leg and asks about them. The ma...

What do you say when someone who's Double Jointed uses their gift to win a boxing match?

Weird flex but K.O.

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

A zoo just had several break-ins and many animals are now running around loose in the park. In today's meeting however, management was only concerned about discussing changes to the gift shop.

I'm not sure why we're not addressing the elephant in the room.

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

The lion decided to invite everyone to his birthday party. But, him being the king, he ordered everybody to bring him meat as a present, or else he will hit them with his massive dong. And soon, the day came and all the animals lined up infront of the lion's cave with their presents.

The Wolf wanted to gift the King lamb, the fox had a chicken, the leopard an antilope, and so on...The lion greeted all of his guests and welcomed them to the party. Suddenly, the rabbit stood infront of him with a carrot. All guests went silent. The lion looked him in the eyes and said: " You know...

Why did Mary turn down more gifts from the three wise men, after the first three?

Because it was myrrh, then enough.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bovine Economics

Basic Economics, brought up to date...



\*\*SOCIALISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



You give one to your neighbor.



The government charges a gift tax.







\*\*COMMUNISM\*\*



You have 2 cows.



The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My cousin is a super hairy dude,

We used to nickname him Cousin "It" affectionately.

I remember chatting to him in our freshmen year trying to figure out what our dreams and aspirations were. Cousin It was a weird dude, he didn't really fit in most circles! He was always super quiet and didn't stand out much.
He was hell...

Thinking outside the box

Fresh out of gift ideas, a man buys his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetery. On her next birthday, he buys her nothing, so she phones him, furious.
"What are you complaining about?" he fires back. "You still haven't used the present I gave you last year."

What do Canadians say when exchanging gifts?

Just giver

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