On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife.

The certificate paid for a visit to a herbalist living nearby, who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After some discussion with his wife, the man made a visit to the herbalist and handed his voucher over wondering what he was in for. The elderly herbalist handed ...

I got funny looks when I gifted a fir tree as a housewarming gift.

I thought it would spruce the place up a bit.

Not being vaccinated is a gift that keeps on giving

you things you otherwise wouldn't get.

There's this dad who is trying to get his daughter a birthday gift

And he knows that she is really starting to like Barbie, so he goes to the mall in hopes of finding a Barbie doll. He finally finds a store that sells Barbies and asks the cashier what Barbies are available.

"Well we have four Barbies: the Regular Barbie, which is $5."

The dad doesn't ...

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical.

After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Many years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to ...

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Three kids are talking about the gift they’re going to give their mom for Mother’s Day.

The first one say: I bought her a necklace and a scarf. So if she doesn’t like the necklace she can put on the scarf.

The second kid say: I’m going to give her a ring and gloves. So if she doesn’t like the ring she can always put on the gloves.

The third one say: I’m giving her earring...

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My sister and I went home to Alabama for mothers day to visit and we were out shopping for a gift for mom when a guy walks by and slaps my sister in the ass. I reacted quick and gave him the ol' one two.

Because no one slaps my girls ass but me.

I was devastated when my wife left me, but she gave me a gift that I'll always carry with me...

Herpes.

What would you call an addendum to burglary laws that would state that it's legal to break and enter into someone's house, provided you leave them with a gift?

The Santa clause

If everyday was a gift

I’d like to know where I could return Mondays

After traveling on business, Tim thinks it would be nice to bring his girlfriend a little gift.

“How about some perfume?” he asks the cosmetics clerk. She shows him a fifty-dollar bottle.



“That’s a bit much,” says Tim, so she returns with a smaller bottle for thirty dollars.



“That’s still quite a bit,” Tim complains. Growing annoyed, the clerk brings out a tiny fi...

A son is visiting his mother the week after Hanukkah wearing one of the two sweaters she’d given him as a gift for the holiday.

As he walks into her house, instead of saying hello, the mother says, “What’s wrong? You didn’t like the other sweater I got you?”

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Husband and his wife were celebrating 50 years together. Their three kids, all very successful, agreed to a Sunday dinner in their honor.

“Happy anniversary Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one, a surgeon, “Sorry I'm late. I had an emergency at the hospital with a patient, you know how it is, and didn't have time to get you a gift.”

“Not to worry,” said the father, “the important thing is that we're all together today.”

...

Matt’s wife has been dropping hints about her birthday gift for weeks.

Now, on the day before, Matt asks, “So what do you think you’re getting for your birthday?”



His wife responds, “All I know is that it better be in the driveway and it better go from zero to 200 in under six seconds.”



“Oh, it will,” Matt responds, “and it does.”

<...

My wife said to me that if i got another stupid gift this Christmas , she would burn it

So, i bought her a candle

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The Gift

A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny, so the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor fe...

What is a very moving gift that you can give to a scientist?

Joules

Some employees bought their boss a gift for his birthday.

Before opening the gift, the boss shook it slightly, and noticed that it was wet in the corner.

Touching his finger to the wet spot and tasting it, he asked, "A bottle of wine?"

His employees replied, "No."

Again, he touched his finger to the box and tasted the liquid. "A bo...

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I can't believe that there is a sex offender registry.

Who would buy gifts for these people?

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I gave my Japanese friend a Lacoste top as a gift.

He smiled and said 'Arigato'

I'm fairly certain their logo a crocodile...

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A poor man and a rich man are talking to each about Christmas.

The poor man asks the rich man, "What are you getting your wife this Christmas?" The rich man replies, "Diamond earrings and a Mercedes." The poor man asks, "Why are you getting her two gifts?" The rich man says, "Well if she doesn't like the earrings then she can drive to the store and exchange the...

What would be a bad gift for an epileptic teenage boy?

Clap on lights

My friend handed me a gift right before he passed away.

What the hell am I supposed to do with an EpiPen?

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

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Your body is like a shitty gift.

You didn’t want it and it breaks before you’re done with it.

I asked my girlfriend for a gift that would last the whole year...

She gave me a calendar.

The three wise men came to the manger with gifts for baby Jesus. They brought gold and frankincense...

But wait, there's myrrh!

And so the Lord said unto John, “come forth, and you shall receive the gift of eternal life.”

But John came fifth, and received a $10 subway gift card

What gift card does santa get for naughty children?

Kohl’s

Looking for a gift that will leave her speechless?

Gorilla glue lip balm.

Trying to make up for bad behavior, I went to the shopping mall to buy my wife a gift.

“I’d like to buy some gloves for my wife,” I say eyeing the attractive sales girl, “but I don’t know her size.”
“Will this help?” she asked sweetly, placing her hands in the gloves.
“Oh, yes,” I answered. “Her hands are just slightly smaller than yours.”
“Will there be anything else?” the ...

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My boyfriend is getting me a dildo cast from his own penis for Valentine's day...

We're only doing small gifts this year.

Two brothers open their gifts on Christmas Day...

Two brothers, Jack and Charlie, open their gifts on Christmas Day, only to find that Jack has been spoiled with everything he ever wanted. Seeing his brother so jealous, Jack is basking in his smugness.

_Jack:_ I got so many gifts, I don't even know where to keep them!

_Charlie:_ Was c...

Whats the feeling you get when you receive a bad gift?

Simple present tense.

What prehistoric animal is the fastest at wrapping gifts?

The Velociraptor.

what is something you can give out as a Christmas gift but still able to keep it at the same time?

flu

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A wife comes home with some gifts for her husband.

Wife: babe, I got you this beautiful tie.

Husband: that's very nice of you. But why?

Wife: because I love you. Also, I brought you cold beer, your favorite.

Husband: oh, thank you my love.

Wife: and I was thinking, what about... after finishing these beers, we go to bed a...

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

Why don’t psychics shake gifts from dead people?

They can only feel their presents

Why are Carpenters the easiest to get Christmas gifts for?

All they want for Christmas is Yew.

A poor, struggling couple decided on no gifts for Christmas

On Christmas morning, the woman wakes up her husband:
"Honey, I know we said no gifts but I wanted to still celebrate Christmas with what we have."

She takes out two lighters and holds them in each hand exclaiming "look, Christmas lights!"
Next, she takes out a pair of keys and rattles ...

I bought my wife a gift for Christmas and hid it in the perfect spot, a place she would never look.

I put it in her lingerie drawer.

What's the best gift for a zen master?

A house, because they like to live in the present.

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My wife always complains I buy crappy Christmas gifts. So I got her a Tourette’s Alarm clock.

She is in for a rude awakening.

Before buying Christmas gifts for your friend's children, ask them what they like because it'll make your life easier.

For example, I asked my friend's daughter what she was into and she said "anything Frozen" so I bought her a bag of peas and some Pizza Pockets. Easiest Christmas shopping ever!

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To all the wonderful delivery men and woman doing their best to make sure we all get our gifts on time this year,

Get the hell off Reddit and deliver my gifts you lazy cunts. Is this a game to you?

Whenever I procrastinate on buying a gift, I just remind myself...

There’s no time like the present.

I bought my girlfriend a fridge for our anniversary...

I know it wasn't a great gift, but I loved seeing her face light up when she opened it.

How does Snoop give Eminem a Christmas gift?

Gangsta wrapped.

A Parting Gift

An explorer, during a trek through an unknown jungle, made contact with a primitive tribe, and swapped basic language and customs. The day comes for the explorer to depart and, as a parting gift, he gives a fine silver mirror to the chief of the tribe. The chief takes the mirror in awe, and as the e...

For my birthday I wanted something that could go 0-200 in 5 seconds or less. My wife said she had the perfect gift idea

A bathroom scale wasn’t what I had in mind

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When I was a young boy, my fairy godmother gave me a choice of two gifts.

She told me I could either have a long memory, or a long penis. I can't remember which one I picked now...

Why do stores sell more gifts during Valentine’s Day compared to Mother’s Day?

Because mom we only got one.

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A secretary received an expensive pen as a gift from her boss.

She sent him a "Thank You” note the following day.

The boss's wife read the note and filed for divorce.

The note said: Your penis wonderful and I enjoyed using it last night. It has extra ordinary smooth flow and a firm stroke. I loved its perfect size and grip. Felt like I was in hea...

Kids may be a gift.....

But I like playing with the box it came in.

My grandfather died at auschwitz

He had a heart attack after he saw the gift shop prices.

I just found out that the traditional 15th wedding anniversary gift is crystal.

My wife going to be so surprised to have a threesome with my mistress!

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Mailman Gets an Interesting Christmas Gift

Joe the mailman was on his usual rounds in late December when he came upon the Jones residence, finding to his surprise that Mrs. Jones was standing in the doorway in sexy lingerie beckoning him inside. Not one to question a good thing, Joe followed her inside, where she showed him the night of his ...

Someone sent the Buddha a gift box tied with a ribbon.

Buddha opened it to find it empty. “Aha!”, he said, “Just what I wanted. Nothing!”

They say kids are gifts...

But I prefer to play with the box they come in.

I gave my friend gifts of gold and frankincense last Christmas

It’ll keep him coming back for myrrh

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One day god comes down to earth to tell Adam and Eve that he has 2 gifts for them.

He says "The first gift is the ability to pee standing."
"Yes, yes, yes! I'll take that one! Says Adam.
Adam, happy with the gift of the penis, starts running and jumping around, peeing on everything.
Eve then asks God, "If that was the first gift, what is the second?"
"Brains, Eve. Brai...

I brought gifts to an orphanage to cheer the kids up

Apparently, blow up dolls are not consider toys especially after they explode.

How did Santa feel about getting a gift from his elves?

He was presently surprised.

My favorite gift to give is uncertainty

Or is it?

Happy birthday.

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The Gift

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to...

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There was a man who had three girlfriends

There was a man who had three girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each one $5000 and see how each of them spent it. The first one went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

A blind person gets a cheese grater as a Christmas gift from a friend.

A week passes and he calls his friend and says to him : " That's one of the most violent books i've ever read".

Wife: I am going to London, What gift do you want?

Husband : One British girl ......

*Wife returns from London*

Husband : Where is my gift ?

Wife : Wait for nine months...

I got my wife the most expensive Valentine's gift...

Divorce papers.

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There are two men who each bring a gift to a woman each day.

One brings her a flower, and the other an apple. Each day, the woman gets more and more anxious about who she is more flattered by, and so asks each of them what their professions are. The first man says, "I am a doctor, and each flower I bring you costs $500. I truly love you, so may you please lov...

I ground up my ctrl key and gift wrapped it. The card reads:

This is ground ctrl.
TO: Major Tom


(Merry Christmas David Bowie!)

TIL that I was born exactly 9 months after my Dad's 32nd birthday...

and my mom gives awful birthday gifts.

A doctor and an engineer fell in love with the same girl. The doctor would bring her expensive gifts everyday, but the engineer only gave her an apple everyday, WHY?

Because an apple a day keeps the doctor away...

A broken drum is the best gift for Christmas

You just can't beat it.

On the other hand, a wife would be the worst gift because you definitely can...

There were three guys who decided they would bring gifts to the queen. The first guy brought a sack of apples, the second guy brought a sack of oranges, and the third guy brought a bomb.

On their way there, the plane started crashing down, so the first guy lands with his parachute and sees this kid crying he asked, “what’s wrong?” The kid says, “a sack of apples fell from the sky and hit my mom in the head,” the guy apologizes and walks away.

The second guy lands and sees thi...

Iraqi dad gives his daughter a gift.

An Iraqi Father gifted his daughter a new bag. His daughter replies with, "Thank you for the baghdad."

In London this Christmas one in 5 children will not get a gift from Santa

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas dinner with their parents

One in every 5 children will not have a Christmas tree in their house

This is not a message from the Salvation Army or unicef for you to donate

One in every 5 kids in London is a Muslim and they don’t...

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Bob was in trouble

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary and his wife was really pissed.

She told him, "Tomorrow morning, I want to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked ...

Why don't Germans mind when you give them a bad gift?

Because they've been bratwurst

Why did the man wrap his house in gift wrap?

He was told he'd be happy if he started living in the present.

Wife : Honey before we got married , you used to give me gifts and expensive jewelry.

Husband : Yes…so ?


Wife : How come you don’t do it anymore ?


Husband : Have you ever seen a fisherman give worms to the fish after catching it?

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What do you do with a special gift you don't want anymore?

You put the little bastard up for adoption.

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[NSFW] so, this guy is going on a business trip,

and he doesn't want his wife to get horny and not have anyone to help, so he decides to get her a little gift. he heads on down to a sex shop, and he's looking at the dildos. "too short. too think. ... WAY too big.." so he goes up to the clerk and asks "hey, you have anything really special?" the cl...

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John, Jack and Jeff visit the queen with gifts...

... John has got an orange. The queen gets mad. Tells the guards to shove the orange up John’s arse.

Next, Jack comes up to the queen with a banana. Queen gets furious. Shoves the banana up his arse.

Then Jeff comes with a mango. Queen is mad again. Up goes the mango in Jeff’s arse....

I got my kid a puppy as a gift, but it died before Christmas...

Now I'm stuck taking care of a puppy.

God’s Gift

Peter comes very drunk home late at night. He wakes his sleeping wife: “Emily wake up! You know what just happened!?”

“No”, she replies sleepily.

“I went to the toilet and the light switched on all by itself. And when I went out of there, the light switched off again without me having ...

I have this weird ability of guessing what is inside a wrapped present.

You can say ....it’s a gift.

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The Gift of Friendship

Bob and Joe, old friends who haven’t seen each other in years, meet unexpectedly.

“Joe!” says Bob.

“Bob!” says Joe, “How are ya? It’s been years!”

“It sure has!” says Bob, “But listen, I’m in a rush right now. Why don’t you come to my place tomorrow and we’ll catch up?”
<...

My Chinese roommate and I decided to give each other homemade christmas gifts this year!

I'm hoping for an iPad!

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The wife and the gift frog

A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the Pet Shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says. "$50?" the woman replies. "Th...

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