UPJOKE
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Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

Why did they call it 'Possession of Marijuana' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

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What can humble any man in the world without it, but when in possession is always treated like crap?

A roll of toilet paper...

My most treasured possession is an Epipen

The last thing my best friend ever did was give it to me. It doesn't seem like much, but he really, really wanted me to have it. *sniffle*

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

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An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...

He said, “I will be dying soon, so I’d like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.”

The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belon...

Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth...

My first non-fungible Tolkien.

An American, a Frenchman, and a Vietnamese are arguing where Adam and Eve were from.

The American says, "Adam and Eve must be American. Look at how much they love freedom - they have everything they could ever want in the Garden of Eden, yet they still pursue the one single thing that they're forbidden from by God. To love absolute freedom so much, they must be American!"

The...

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Nate and the chicken

Nate had just gotten out of prison, after serving a 5 year sentence for drug possession. He wanted to get laid, so he went to a brothel. The rates were well out of his price range, as he only had $20, but the madam of the brothel said, "Ok. I'll cut you a deal. We have a chicken you can fuck. Now, I...

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

As of today, possession of mirrors will be outlawed.

This decision comes after a lot of reflection.

Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

One fine day, brave Captain Smith and his crew of sailors were sailing the ocean blue.

Suddenly, on the horizon, there loomed a ship with a skull and crossbones raised on the mast.

The crew was frantic, seeking refuge and asking the captain what to do.

Brave Captain Smith looked at the approaching ship for a moment and said: “Bring me my red shirt”.

The call was t...

my most prized possession is this epipen

my friend gave it to me as he was dying.


it seemed real important to him that I had it....

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

Why do ghosts make the best lawyers?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

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A penis has a happy life

He has curly hair, he never goes bald, his family is always behind him,his neighbours are connected to him, he likes warm places, his owner strokes him often and is his most protected possession.

How does a pirate sell his possessions?

A Yarr Sale

Larry, Moe and Joe die and go to heaven

At the pearly Gates, St Peter tell them well since you were overall good people I’ll let you into Heaven however all your Heavenly possessions will be based on how faithful you were to your spouses. Let’s start with you Larry: in 20 years of marriage you cheated on your wife Jennifer 5 times, that m...

Why did Alexander Hamilton get busted for possession?

'Cause he's not throwing away his pot.

Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus

It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.

Possessing people as a ghost in China must be hard.

Possession of government property is illegal after all.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

Jamie's house was ransacked and burglarized.

Returning home from work, Jamie was shocked to find that the house had been ransacked and burglarized.

After telephoning the police, the dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with ...

Soviet era joke from my friend

A man walked into the Kremlin and told the receptionist: "I am a spy, I want to surrender to the Soviet government". The receptionist asked "Alright, what's your nationality?" "I'm American" the man replied. The receptionist checked his booklet and said "American spy, surrendering... Go to room 107....

I was caught by police with illegal possession of drugs

I was caught by police with illegal possession of drugs

When then officer caught me I exclaimed that it wasn't my fault because whenever I would flush them down the toilet they would magically reappear into my pocket

The police officer chuckled and said he didn't believe me

So I...

As a hedge-fund manager gets out of his brand-new Audi, a truck goes racing by, taking off the door.

“My Audi! My beautiful silver Audi is ruined!” he screams.

A police officer on the scene shakes his head in disgust. “I can’t believe you,” he says. “You’re so focused on your possessions that you didn’t even realize your left arm was torn off when the truck hit you.”

The hedge fund ma...

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.

The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentences dow...

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues,

when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver's side door with him standing right there.

"NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it never would be the same. 

Finally, a cop came by, and the lawye...

The Band ACDC was Arrested For Firearm Possession...

They told the officer they only Shoot to Thrill

Breaking news

Teacher Arrested At Pearson Airport
A high school teacher was arrested today at Toronto's Pearson Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a compass, a slide-rule and a calculator.

At a press conference, Premier Kathleen Wynne said she believ...

Material Guy

A guy crashes his new sports car and when the police arrive, he is crying “Oh my god, my gorgeous Ferrari!”

The police officer tells him that material possessions are the least of his troubles, considering his left arm was severed as well.

The guy looks down where his arm used to be ...

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Katrina Hit me hard, Wrecked my house, threw all of my possessions around and flooded my basement,

But I still think those jeans made her look fat.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

Another Lawyer Joke

A very successful attorney parked his brand-new Bentley in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out, a truck came along too closely and completely tore off the driver's door.

Fortunately, a cop in a police car was close enough to see the accident and ...

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