My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway

Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

Why do they call it marijuana possession

And not joint custody

My wife told me she keeps forgetting the word for taking possession of something without authority...

I told her, "It's common, dear".

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

A police officer caught a man in possession of drugs.

The man, named Steve, claimed to be innocent.

Steve: "I have never bought cocaine in my life, they just appear in my pockets at random."

The police officer is suspicious and tells Steve to prove it.

Steve leads the officer to a public bathroom and then proceeds to flush the crac...

An Englishman, a Frenchman and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve The Englishman admires it and says, "Look at them, calm, reserved and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head, "My friends, they are definitely Russian. No clothes, no house, no possessions, they have only an apple to eat and they are told this is paradise."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

Why do demons always win in court?

Because possession is nine-tenths of the law.

who got arrested for weed possession during the black death?

the executioner, he was always stoning people.

Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus

It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.

A dolphin was arrested for weed possession.

Cop: Is this your Marijuana, sir?

Dolphin: No sir, it's for my cousins. Strictly for medical porpoises.

What's a Teddy Bear's most prized possession?

Cotton balls.

What was the demon arrested for?

Possession

A lawyer bought a brand new Porsche

He parked it in front of his office to show it off to his colleagues. As he was getting out of the car, a truck came speeding along too close to the kerb and took off the door before zooming off.

Furious, the lawyer grabbed his phone and called the police. Five minutes later the police arrive...

Took me a month but I finally got to pull off this joke in real life

*Me and my friend had just finished watching a ton of conspiracy theory videos.*

Friend: It's crazy if some of that stuff is true. But the government is just hiding it from us.

Me: Yeah like monsters and aliens and stuff.

Friend: Yeah! And not to mention all the cool technology ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Girlfriend got pulled over by the police today...

My Girlfriend got pulled over today when she was trying to flick her cigarette butt out the window. As she flicked it, it went up the side of her arm and actually lit her arm hair on fire.

Police charged her with possession of an unlicensed firearm.

A garbage man wakes up from a coma.

The nurse says to him
"I’m afraid to tell you that you’ve been in a coma for almost 25 years. Both of your parents have passed away in that time and the rest of your friends and lovers have moved on, believing you would never recover. You no longer have a home or any possessions. The only reason ...

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

Why did Alexander Hamilton get busted for possession?

'Cause he's not throwing away his pot.

Why was the poltergeist arrested?

Possession.


I hope this hasn’t been posted before.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My most prized possession is a genuine traditional coffee pot hand crafted in an artisanal workshop on the slopes of a Mexican volcano.

It’s a proper Popocatepetl kettle.

The Princess and the Frog [long]

A beautiful princess had a shiny gold ball that was her prize possession. She would take it with her wherever she would go, gently throwing it in the air while she sang. One day she dropped the ball and it rolled down a hill and into a large pond. The princess ran to the pond and started to cry w...

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A man walks into the doctor's with an awful rash on his penis

The doctor asks if the man had been overseas recently, to which the answer was yes (he had just returned from a holiday in Asia).

The Doctor says "I'm sorry to tell you that you have Hong Kong Dong and your penis needs to be removed."

The man was shocked and extremely upset.
He left...

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She frantically telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcasts the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.
As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of th...

Never eat the slaw at a demonic lawyer's picnic.

Possession is 9/10 of the slaw.

When Solomon the Wise received the Queen of Sheba at his palace, he needed grand new thrones for him and for her.

So by the power of the Seal of Solomon he summoned *djinn* and he said to them: Craft me a pair of thrones that shall be the wonder of all the ages, exquisite in both materials and workmanship and of a value surpassing all the treasures of the earth. And the *djinn*, bound under the Seal, bowed low ...

Possession is nine tenths of the law.

The remaining tenth is exorcism.

Sally was trying to sell sea shells by the sea shore, but the cops put her in jail.

She was charged with possession of conchtraband.

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