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Possession Jokes

Who decided to call it “marijuana possession"

and not “joint custody?”

Did you hear Trump's limo driver got busted for possession of drugs?

They found over 300 pounds of dope in the back seat.

A Sunday school teacher posed a question to her class, "If I were to sell my house, car, donate my possessions to charity, and give all my money to the church, would I get into heaven?"

The children unanimously replied, "No."

The teacher then asked, "If I were to keep the church clean, mow the lawn, and keep everything neat and tidy, would I get into heaven?"

Once again, the answer was a resounding "No."

Apparently perplexed, the teacher asked, "Well, then how ...

Did you hear they arrested the devil?

Yeah, they got him on possession.

Why did they call it 'Possession of Marijuana' when they arrested people?

Wouldn't 'Joint Custody' be better!

My most treasured possession is an Epipen

The last thing my best friend ever did was give it to me. It doesn't seem like much, but he really, really wanted me to have it. *sniffle*

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A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver’s license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds that she has a .38 Special in her purse. And a .45 in her glove box. And a 9mm Glock in the center console. And a shotgun in the trunk.
...

My son’s kindergarten teacher was arrested for heroin possession…

In hindsight, the small pupils were a dead giveaway…

What did the Sheriff yell to the Deputy after Barbie payed the bail for her boyfriends drug possession charges?

>!"RELEASE THE CRACK-KEN!"!<

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A young boy's mum gives him their last possession: a duck

She tells him "Don't you dare come back til you've gotten a good price for that duck."

Off he goes to the market. On the way there, he's stopped by a prostitute. She propositions him and he's unable to resist.

"But, ma'am, I've only got a duck."

"How much it worth?"

"My m...

Where do criminals go when they're arrested for possession of 32 ounces?

The quart room

As of today, possession of mirrors will be outlawed.

This decision comes after a lot of reflection.

A cop pulls over an old lady for speeding on a highway. He asks for her driver's license and registration.

When she opens her wallet, he notices a conceal-carry permit.

He asks, “Ma’am, do you have a weapon in your possession at this time?”

She responds "I'll bet you $100 you can't guess the answer to that question" as she slaps a crisp bill on her dashboard.

The cop rubs his chin an...

my most prized possession is this epipen

my friend gave it to me as he was dying.


it seemed real important to him that I had it....

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What can humble any man in the world without it, but when in possession is always treated like crap?

A roll of toilet paper...

Newsflash: A Barber gets arrested for drug possession.

An acquaintance says, "I've known this guy for years, and I didn't know he was a barber."

Why did Louis XIV seize possession of an Italian triumph?

To absolutely claim it as, "Mon arch"

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An old man was dying, and asked his wife for a favor...

He said, “I will be dying soon, so I’d like you to put all my prized possessions in the attic, so that when I die, my spirt can grab the items as I ascend to heaven.”

The wife obliged, and when her husband passed a few days later, she ran up to the attic to see if he managed to take his belon...

A dolphin was arrested for weed possession.

Cop: Is this your Marijuana, sir?

Dolphin: No sir, it's for my cousins. Strictly for medical porpoises.

Spent some cryptocurrency to take digital possession of an image of Gandalf killing the Balrog of Morgoth...

My first non-fungible Tolkien.

Why did Alexander Hamilton get busted for possession?

'Cause he's not throwing away his pot.

How does a pirate sell his possessions?

A Yarr Sale

Possession is nine tenths of the law.

The remaining tenth is exorcism.

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Three young women are at a cocktail party. The conversation turns to their husbands.

The first woman, smiling smugly, says, "My husband is taking me on a romantic break to the French Riviera for two weeks."

The second boasts, "Well, my husband just bought me a brand new Porsche."

The third shrugs and says, "Well, to be perfectly honest with you, ladies, we don't have m...

WHY ARE THE COURT DOCUMENTS PERTAINING TO MY ILLEGAL AMPHETAMINE POSSESSION IN ALL CAPS?

It's an upper case

James Bond was charged with criminal possession of stolen property in the fourth degree.

The judge, while not surprised, did say it was Class E felony.

Today, I decided to donate all my worldly possessions and give myself up to Jesus

It's pretty hard to say no to a Mexican dude with a knife.

So a German, an Englishman and an Irishman

were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze when they were arrested by Saudi police. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so they are all sentenced to death!

However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to app...

Possessing people as a ghost in China must be hard.

Possession of government property is illegal after all.

What do you call an attractive, Jewish lemon with no worldly possessions?

An aesthetic ascetic acidic Hasidic.

The Lawyer's Car

A lawyer had just bought a fancy new car, and was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took off the driver's side door with him standing right there. "NOOO!" he screamed, because he knew that no matter how good a mechanic tried to fix it, it would ...

The Band ACDC was Arrested For Firearm Possession...

They told the officer they only Shoot to Thrill

I was caught by police with illegal possession of drugs

I was caught by police with illegal possession of drugs

When then officer caught me I exclaimed that it wasn't my fault because whenever I would flush them down the toilet they would magically reappear into my pocket

The police officer chuckled and said he didn't believe me

So I...

My wife told me she keeps forgetting the word for taking possession of something without authority...

I told her, "It's common, dear".

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Why didn’t the ghost get arrested for stealing?

Because possession is nine tenths of the law.

A thief breaks into the home of celebrities to steal their most prized possessions

After he's done, he always leaves a note letting them know exactly what he's stolen. One night, he breaks into Madonna's house. She finds a note the next day that says "Thanks for the Persian lamb's wool coat! This will be perfect for my wife."

The next day, he breaks into Simon Cowell's home...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

I once petted an airport security dog hoping he'll let me sneak in some weed

Got arrested for possession and bribery.

Why is it so hard to sue a poltergeist for theft?

Possession is 9/10 of the law

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Katrina Hit me hard, Wrecked my house, threw all of my possessions around and flooded my basement,

But I still think those jeans made her look fat.

Terrorist

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square and a calculator. Authorities believe he is a member of the notorious al-Gebra movement. He is being char...

After a bitter divorce, while cleaning out the attic to prepare for selling their dream home, a genie pops out of a dust covered item.

“I will grant you three wishes of anything your heart desires” says the genie, “but know that your ex will receive twice whatever you wish for”


Ok, I’m losing my dream home, I wish for the most glorious mansion complete with staff to serve my every whim.


DONE! You are the o...

Mother

Flying home from France on a recent trip I noticed a rather haggard looking mom walking into the customs area with eight children-- all under age 10. Collecting their many suitcases, the nine of them entered the cramped customs area. A young customs official watched the large entourage in disbelief,...

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A penis has a happy life

He has curly hair, he never goes bald, his family is always behind him,his neighbours are connected to him, he likes warm places, his owner strokes him often and is his most protected possession.

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An old lady walks into a bank with a million dollars.

Old lady: "I'd like to make a deposit of a million dollars"

Bank assistant:, "That's a lot of money. How did you get them?"

Old lady: "I think I should speak to the managing bank director since it's such a large cash deposit."

Bank assistant: "Well considering that it is a milli...

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.

A man and his wife were in court to get a divorce.
The problem in contention was, who should have the possession of the child?

The man or the woman?

The woman jumped up and said "My Lord, I am the mother of the child, I brought her into this world, with pain and labour. I am entitl...

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When Indiana Jones was a kid he had a collection of model trucks.

He loved those trucks and he and the neighbour's kid would spend hours playing with them on a special table that was used only for Indy's trucks. They would set up elaborate dioramas on the 'truck table', adding to the displays whenever Indy came into possession of a new truck.

Fast forward a...

Did you hear about the guy who got picked up by the police for carrying a secondary walking stick?

They arrested him for possession of co-cane.

A retired exorcist.

A while back I did some exorcist work with the Church and became pretty renowned for my efforts. I am known by all priest and demonkind. Only a few months into my early retirement, I got a rather strange phone call of someone asking for my assistance. His voice was deep and frantic.

Exorcist...

My arm is on fire, quick somebody put me out before I get arrested!

I don't want to be put in jail for illegal possession of a firearm.

A baby is born

And to the surprise of everybody, after a few minutes, he starts talking.
"I was born to live 3 days" he says
"my mother will die in 6 days and my father in 14 days"
After 3 days the baby dies. After 6 days it is the mother to pass away. The father becomes histerical. He knows he is next...

What do apostrophes and demonic behavior have in common?

They're both signs of possession.

A ghost was arrested

And placed in a holding cell with others as they await processing. The ghost turns to the man and asks "what did you get arrested for?"
"Shoplifting" he says, "how about you?"

The ghost smiles and says "possession".

Can you go to jail for this?

A demon enters a woman's body. During this time it makes her do horrible things. She commits multiple crimes.
A priest is finally able to free her of this demon, but legally she is still held accountable for all of her crimes.

She goes to prison and one of inmate says "I'm in for theft; ...

Soviet era joke from my friend

A man walked into the Kremlin and told the receptionist: "I am a spy, I want to surrender to the Soviet government". The receptionist asked "Alright, what's your nationality?" "I'm American" the man replied. The receptionist checked his booklet and said "American spy, surrendering... Go to room 107....

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