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Owned Jokes

A guy walks into a bar owned by Eminem

He tells the bartender,"Give me 2 shots of..."

The bartender cuts him off saying,"You only get 1 shot."

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A young guy goes into a drug store owned by two spinster sisters.

He awkwardly says to the one lady at the pharmacy counter, "Um, this is embarrassing but I have this condition where about once a day I become incredibly aroused and overcome by the desire to have sex with any woman at all. It's overwhelming! What can you give me for it?"

"Hmm," replied the l...

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I once dated a girl that owned a parrot. That thing would never shut the fuck up.

The parrot was cool, though.




^Originally ^an ^Anthony ^Jeselnik ^joke

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A man owned a small ranch in Montana,

One day the labor department got a tip he wasn’t paying proper wages to his employees so they sent an investigator to find out what’s going on.

“Please tell me how many employees you have and how much you pay them”, the investigator asked the rancher.

The rancher replied, “my ranch ...

I own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot

Now I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B

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A man walks into a restaurant that's owned by a friend of his.

He says to his friend, "How's it going? How's the restaurant business?"

His friend says, "It's going pretty good but I got a chef that won't stop jerking off."

He tells him, "Just fire him."

"I can't. He's an amazing cook. You should try his wings. They are amazing."

"The...

As a person who has owned over 50 dogs in their life there are 2 thing I’ve learnt...

1.) Your time with them Is brief so treasure it.

2.) They LOVE chocolate.

When I was young, I thought rich people owned Bose music systems and the rest of us had Sony products.

Turns out those were just stereotypes.

A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.

'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did...

100 years ago everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars.

Today everyone has a car and only the rich have horses.

Oh how the stables have turned.

Do you know the oldest computer was owned by Adam and Eve?

It was an apple, with very limited memory, one byte and everything crashed!

A man owned a sentient calculator

He would show it to people all the time, and tell them about the sentient calculator. He'd ask a question, and the calculator would give the answer, and every time it was the correct one. At first, people were excited, and they would demand to know what the trick was. A lot of theories, ranging from...

if chuck norris owned and operator an oyster bar...

it would be called shuck norris

What do you call a car dealership owned by a former coroner?

Rigor Motors

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.

A farmer owned a nice car which would get ruined because his chickens kept pecking the hood.
After several weeks of fuming at his chickens for making scratches and small dents in the hood of his car he decided to find a solution.
Coincidentally a salesperson came by his house and offered a s...

Elon Musk has only owned Twitter for one day...

and it's already ran over 2 pedestrians.

Did you hear about the dog who owned a leaky three-masted sailing ship?

His barque was worse than his bite.

Henry Ford owned a brothel

He packed the brothel with the most beautiful women in Detroit. Any man could come in and take one out on a date. They were known as the Ford Escorts.

Did you hear the one about the guy who owned 40 cats and a pet boa constrictor?

Sorry... 39 cats and a pet boa constrictor...

I adopted a dog that used to be owned by a blacksmith...

As soon as I got him inside, he made a bolt for the door.

Two sisters, a blonde and a brunette, owned a cattle ranch,

Unfortunately, their bull died. They needed to purchase a new one, but they only had $500. The brunette said she'd go to the nearest town to see if she could buy a bull for less than $500. She told her sister that if she could find one, she'd send a telegram to tell her to come in the truck to pick ...

If I Owned Texas

"If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell" - General Philip H. Sheridan

An Arab walks into a bra store owned by Jewish guy.

The Arab finds a bra he likes and asks for the price. The Jewish guy being the business man that he is says "This is a great bra, it's really starting to get popular. I can sell you each for 50 bucks." The Arab guy nods and says "Sure, I'll buy 100." The next day the Arab comes back to the bra shop ...

I recently bought a car on ebay that used to be owned by Bonnie Tyler.

It's terrible.

Every now and then it falls apart.

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for the check.

Duck billed platypus.

One morning the Viceroy of India went to visit his old army pal Major Barrington, who owned an orchard.

Walking through the orchard, the Viceroy marveled at all the different varieties of fruit: oranges, apples, bananas, pineapples, mangoes, guavas. "Why, you must have twenty different types of apples I've never heard of!" he remarked.

"Oh, that's nothing," replied the Major. "I'll bet you ther...

An elderly man in Louisiana had owned a large farm for several years....

He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a fi...

If RuPaul owned a horse, what would it eat?

Hey girl heyyyy

I've never owned a telescope...

But it's something I'm thinking of looking into

If I owned a DeLorean...

...I'd probably only drive it from time to time.

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When I was 13, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend with big tits..

When I was 16, I got a girlfriend with big tits, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide...

Did you hear about the guy who owned the Earth's supply of herbs?

He had all the thyme in the world

An old man owned a dolphin

A few kids went to the old man and asked

"Why do you own a dolphin?"

The old man smiled and said

"When I was younger my dreams were crushed so I bought a dolphin."

He smiled.

"Buying him gave me a porpoise in life."

A man who owned a flower shop

He was very successful, had lots of business for many years. Then one day some catholic monks came into town and opened up their own flower shop across from his. It only took a few weeks for the man to lose all his business and nearly go bankrupt. Knowing it was because of the flower shop across the...

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A family owned one very horny bull...

And this bull was their only source of money. Other farmers brought their cows to the bull to get them pregnant.
Once a farmer brought two cows, black and brown. The owner of bull sat down under a tree and told his 10 year old son to watch after the bull and tell him what happens later.
After ...

What do you call a dog owned by a Mandalorian?

Boba Pett.

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A hunter goes to a forest, owned by a friendly old man, to try and hunt a bear

The old man warns him: - If you don't succeed on your task, the bear will fuck you in the ass.- He ignores him, goes up to the bear's cave, holds his breath, aims and shoots the bear, missing. The bear goes behind the terrified hunter and fucks him in the ass. The hunter runs away, humiliated, and h...

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A man walks into a Mexican-owned bookshop

He asks the owner, "Do you have any books on Donald Trump's foreign policies with Mexico?"

The owner replies, "Fuck you, get out, stay out!"

The man replies, "Yeah, that's the one!"

I've never owned a toilet brush.So when I got married my wife got me one.

Tbh i still prefer toilet paper

A strong man owned a restaurant.

The man had a challenge to anyone who came in. The strong man would squeeze all the juice out of a lemon then challenge the other person to squeeze out at least one more drop.if they win they get a free dinner. many strong people came, but not one could do it.until a small and scrawny man walks in. ...

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There was a woman who owned a parrot

The woman was gonna go to the supermarket so she told her parrot “if someone comes over, tell me who it was”
And so she left

A few minutes later someone was knocking at the door. The parrot asked “who is it?”
The person said “it’s me, the mailman.”

“...”

He knocked again ...

Rumor has it Bruce Lee once owned a pet bear

Its name was Grizz Lee!

Farmer John owned a pool.

Every night these three ducks would sneak in and splash around, keeping John up at night.

Eventually, John got sick of it and called the police on the ducks.

They were brought before the judge the next day.

"Alright," the Judge said. "What I need you to do is walk up here and st...

The house I live in used to be owned by one of the worlds most famous dentists

To commemorate this there is no Plaque

Was working a drywall gig with 3 other guys, we smoked a joint after we pulled up to the job.

Later on the older lady that owned the house comes out and tells the boss, "you should pay your guys more!" The boss looking puzzled asks where that came from. She goes on to explain, "they have been busting their asses off. Earlier they had to share one cigarette between the four of them, that's ju...

Why shouldn't you invest in muslim-owned businesses?

They never show a prophet.

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John owned a Pizzeria with his buddy Harry.

But John wasn't satisfied with only making pizza every day. He wanted to study and walk a different path in life. So he decided to get back to school.

He told his buddy Harry that he would go see a consultant to talk about which subjects he should study.

The next day he went to meet wi...

There was once a rich merchant ...

...who owned a slave named Manuel who was very good at hiding his thoughts and feelings. This merchant would often have his slave negotiate trade deals, very much to the merchants profit. This was the case because it was a well-known fact of that...

Nobody reads the owner's Manuel.

Arnold Schwarznegger owned a sporting good store.

Arnold Schwarznegger owned a sporting good store. He was never good with numbers so instead of numbering the aisles, he used a letter system.

One day a customer came in and asked Mr. Schwarznegger where they keep their firearms. Arnold is a smart business man and is concerned for safety. He d...

My new internet provider is owned by a fisherman

Terrible service, takes all day to get a byte

Having owned a few casinos,

Trump should have known that the House always wins

A shepherd owned a remarkable dog, deft at sheep herding and able to speak.

At the end of the day, after his dog had herded the flock into the pen, the shepherd asked his canine friend to confirm how many sheep were in.

"40," the dog barked.

"40? I counted 37."

"Yes," replied the dog, "I rounded them up."

If EA owned Starbucks...

They'd give you the coffee and tell you to build your own cup.

A California ranch that was once owned by Ronald Reagan was being threatened by a wildfire

Firefighters attempted to save it by pouring water on a nearby hill and hoping it would trickle down.

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